02x02 - Gay

[bunniefuu]

"Is your boyfriend gay enough?"

I can't believe you read this.

You're right, I should get up and
do something! Where's my hairdryer?

Why don't you towel dry it?

Is that what you do? Yeah.

Well, there's your answer.

Who would want their boyfriend
to be gay? Unless you were gay.

Not gay, just gay enough.

It's the difference between
Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble.

Alright, I'll make it easier. It's
the difference between you and Lee.

I'm no gayer than Lee.

Hasn't this got a higher setting?

If they were really sweaty
I'd be here all morning.

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

♪ Sorry! ♪

Now how will I dry 'em?

Give it to me. No chance.

Why? Because you'll break it.

You can't break a sock.

I didn't think you
could lose a mattress.

The other one.

I'm just as Fred Flintstone as him.

Don't worry, it's a compliment.

Women like it if a man's in
touch with his feminine side.

I'm in touch with me feminine side.

No you're not. You're too...

Northern.

Go on, test him.

What were the last two
films your boyfriend rented?
That's a trick question.

OK, what were the last
two films you rented?

Can't remember.

Yes, he can.

Football's Greatest Goalmouth
Blunders and Under Siege :
This Time It's A Bus.

What about you?

Annie.

Annie? Have you seen it?

No, is that the one with
Jean-Claude Van Damme?

What was the other one?
I can't remember the name,
but it was a real sh**t 'em up.

Sort of Western thing.

All right, Brokeback Mountain.

It doesn't mean anything.

Don't defend yourself.
It's good that you can watch that.

Whereas Wallace & Gromit had
you sleeping with the lights on.

All I said was, if I had children,
I wouldn't let them watch it.

They way this is going,
I don't think children

is going to be an issue for you.

Do you shave, exfoliate or wax parts
of your body other than your face?

Do you?

I had my back done once.

Your back?

I had it waxed. It was really hairy.

It was unsightly
under my summer clothes.

When you thought the word "wax"
couldn't get any camper,
it's followed by "summer clothes".

So, do you? Of course he doesn't.

I once painted me fingernails.

Why? Were you pretending
it was someone else's hand?

It soon came off, what with me
dragging me knuckles on the ground!

I'd better go, these woolly mammoths
don't hunt themselves. Ooh, get her!

I mean, "Yabba dabba doo".

So, although the leisure industry
is a new venture for me,
I'm into the self-management ethos.

So you won't have my
tongue wagging in your ear.

Oh, wag away!

Thanks very much.

LIGHT APPLAUSE

Hi, I'm Lucy.

We spoke on the phone.

Yes, Cold Steel Recruitment.
Welcome on board.

Excuse my language, but when it comes
to aggressive marketing strategy,
you know your sh*t.

Actually, I thought
I was pretty good.

Oh, you are, you're brilliant.

I meant... Sorry, my jokes are like

me, inappropriate and a bit old.

You don't look old. I'm probably
old enough to be your father.

Let's say step-father,
that way it's not illegal.

- Look, I'd be really interested in picking your business brain
- some time.

Maybe you could come
round to my place.

I make a mean duck confit.

Better than making it comfy!

Those mean ducks can make themselves
comfy, as far as I'm concerned,

if they're going to go around
being mean.

So... I'm going to stop talking.

I'd love to. Really?

It's important to get to know my
team. When shall we do it?

Why not tonight? I can send
my flatmate to my brother's.

See if Tim can't gay him up a bit.

Imagine Tim making him wear a
leather cap and black rubber pants.

Private jokes, eh? More champagne?
Thanks.

I don't think he's your type.
I've always preferred older men.

I mean he's gay.

Oh, no.

I hope he wasn't insulted
by the rubber pants comment.

There you go. Thanks, gay... Guy!

I hope you weren't offended
by that silly joke.

I didn't really get it to be honest.
Your flatmate's gay, is he? Yeah.

Absolutely. Most of my friends are.

I love gay men,
can't get enough of them.

Yummy, yummy, yummy.

Well, I look forward
to meeting him tonight.

Oh, yes, of course. Cheers, Lucy.

Cheers, Guy.

Gay!

Guy!

Oh, thank God you're here.
Hang on, it's coming
to the best bit.

g*n sh*ts

SHE TURNS TV OFF

Now I'll never find out
if she marries Mr Darcy.

I need you to do me a massive favour.

All right but can we turn the lights
off, otherwise I might not be
able to keep a straight face.

It's funny you should say that
because it's the complete opposite.

I want you to pretend
to be gay for one night.

I've got a new client coming round
for dinner in a couple of hours

and I sort of accidentally told
him I live with a gay man.

I was trying to prove a point
that I wasn't h*m*.

Right...

You're not trying to prove you're
not a r*cist as well, are you?!

I could also pop up into the
loft and get my Fu Manchu outfit.

Why don't you just say I'm out?

That's exactly what I did say.

Out of the flat.
No, he might get suspicious.

Ooh, you've thought of everything,
except not to say I'm a gay man.

It was an accident. Oh, what
did you mean to say, cave man?

OK, I apologise.

You're not like Fred Flintstone.

To start with, he's animated.

Will you help me or not?

It'll just be for a couple of hours.

I'd do it for you if it was
the other way round. Would you?
Of course.

- Although I can't think of a situation where me pretending to be a lesbian
- would be doing you a favour.

No, me neither.

Please... For me?

It's a really important contract.

Oh, OK, I'll do it. Great. Don't
mention this to your brother.

Oh, are you worried Tim
might call you a Barney Rubble?

No, I'm scared he might
try and get off with me.

So what do I need to do?

Nothing, just play it safe
and don't mention girls,
football or explosions.

Oh, dear, there goes the anecdote
about the girl who swallowed
a football and exploded.

And maybe try not to watch
too much of this sort of stuff.

g*n sh*ts AND SHOUTING

EXPLOSIONS

Oh, poor Mr Darcy.

What are you doing?

I find it hard to lie when someone's
looking me straight in the eye.

You can't wear sunglasses
when we're eating.

Why not? I'm supposed to be gay.

I don't know what research
you've done,

but gay men are no more easily
blinded by mood lighting
than straights.

Where are your socks?

Have you been watching
Wham! videos again?

The lack of socks isn't a style
decision, it's your cleaner's
attempts at washing them!

How does she do it?
In the last months, I must have
washed these socks over four times.

Five minutes with her and it looks
like the Borrowers have been here.

You look ridiculous.

It's fine, gay people are
more flamboyant dressers.

Says who? Village People.

KNOCK AT DOOR

You mean village idiots,
take them off!

And answer the door.

Oh, wait, wait...

What does that taste like?

Truthfully? Yeah.

Lovely.

Hi, I'm guy. All right?

Can I come in or are you coming out?

Is that a trick question?

Guy! Lucy.

Oh, thank you.
Isn't that lovely, Lee?

Yeah, I love champagne.

Especially the pink stuff.

I presume you two
have been introduced.

Yeah, I was expecting a leather
cap and black rubber pants.

See!

Oh, sorry, I thought that was
a private joke you two did.

It's backfired.
I hope I haven't offended you.

No, it's all right.
I'm not sensitive.

Actually, I am sensitive.

Very sensitive.

Right, I'm off to... exfoliate.

You see, when you've got your
fingers in lots of pies, you mustn't
spread yourself too thin

or you end up not just losing
one or two pies, you end up
burning down the bakery.

And to keep that metaphor going...

Do you think a pie can change?

If it met the right woman?

So how do you bring home the bacon,
Lee?

Er, skip.

Ignore him, it's very hard
to get a straight answer from Lee.

I thought that's what you wanted.

He means what do you do for a living?

Ducking and diving,
bobbing and weaving.

Mainly boxing, working on a loom.

He owns an ice-cream van.

Oh, business good?

Not really, but fingers crossed with
this whole global warming thing.

Oh, are you a football fan, Lee?

No, I hate football.

I'm into stuff like dancing,
shopping, musicals...

Getting me hair cut,
fashion magazines...

Little dogs,
figure skating, flowers...

Erasure, moisturising,
bubble baths...

Are You Being Served?

Trips to the south coast,
tight jeans...

Flamingos...

Men...

That sort of stuff.

The DVD's Lucy's, she's
football cock-a-hoop. Really?

Yeah. What team do you support?

Oh, you know...

the usual.

Sorry?

Arsenal. Great new stadium, isn't it?

I love the way it goes all the
way round the pitch and everything.

Football's never appealed, Lee?

No, it must be because I'm gay.

I'm such a village idiot.

Oh, talking of football,
I've got the perfect way to pay you
guys back for such a lovely evening.

I've got a spare invite for the next
England game at the new Wembley
Stadium and nobody to go with. Lucy?

Brilliant.

Hang on, you can't go. Why not?

I'm football cock-a-hoop, remember?

♪ Come on, the football! ♪

Yeah, but you hate England.

Do I? Yes, you're Scottish.

I'm not Scottish.

Yeah, and I'm not gay.

Och, hoots man.

You got me!
I know, why don't you take Lee?
But I thought you hated football.

Well, my nan used to say
you've got to keep an open
mind about new experiences.

It was her that introduced me
to the whole gay thing actually.

She even gave me my first cock ring.

What? You said get on with him.

Yeah, I didn't say get off with him.

It's only a football match.

You're jealous, aren't you?

I know it doesn't make sense,
I just...

feel there's something between us.

I don't mean... I know.

Lucy, he's gay.

He bats for the opposite team. He
drives on the opposite carriageway.

He sleeps with the opposite sex.

That last one's not right, is it?

My driver's outside.

Well, Lucy thanks for a lovely
night. You're a great cook.

You're gonna make someone
a very lucky husband.

Oh, wow! Just as well I didn't tell
you how clean the bathroom was.

Oh, by the way, you might have

to wear a tie for the football. Tie?

It's a piece of fabric that
goes around your neck.

Tightly!

Yeah, we'll be in one of the
executive boxes. It's owned by
a business associate of mine.

Best seats in the house,
three course meal before the match,
lots of free champagne flowing.

That's great.

I thought you weren't that
bothered about the football.
It was me that cleaned the bathroom.

That's it, come on. Keep with it!

That's it! Good job, that's it!

CROWD CHEERS

Come on! Change the system!

You can't play one up front if
there's no support on the wings.

It's amazing how quickly you
get the hang of it, isn't it?

Ooh, nice legs.

Thanks again, by the way.

It was a real education.

If you've ever got one of those
spare invites again...
Don't want to sound pushy.

Oh, I might have, actually... When?

- I might be able to get something for the England - Russia game.
- I'll see what I can do.

You certainly seem to know
influential people.

Who was that bloke
in the pin stripe? Which one?

The one that gave me a funny look

when I shouted at the Estonian
defender. The Estonian ambassador.

Didn't recognise him without
his Ferrero Rocher.

Need a lift?
No, it's all right, I'll walk.

I've got ages before Match Of The...
Week starts or whatever it's called.

I quite fancy the bloke with the big
ears and the addiction to crisps.

You're not gonna watch it
on Lucy's tiny TV, are you?

You'll never see your Scotch egg
landing on the pitch on that.

Come back to mine if you like.

Just the two of us?

You can make as much noise
as you like.

I'll call my driver,
get him to pick us up.

Actually, I can't. I've got

a boyfriend and we've had a row.

I'd better go and see him.
Oh, really?

Yeah. A few things were said.

The red mist descended.

It was more fuchsia.

I better check he's OK.
Oh, don't worry, I understand.

What's his name? Tim.

He obviously means a lot to you.

Perhaps you should go kiss
and make up.

Oh, I feel sick...

with worry about the row.

What was it about?

About how gay he looked.

Why should a gay man worry
about coming across as gay?

Good question.
It was actually the opposite.

He was worried that he didn't
look gay enough. Oh, really?

Yeah. All our friends tease him.

Call him names. Blouse lifter.

Straight lord.

Fanny bandit.

Evening! Oh, God.

I thought I'd find you in here.

Oh, Tim, me old sausage.

This is Guy. Nice to meet you.

So, what have you been up to?

Whatever it is,
one of you misread the dress code.

Looks like Wife Swap
meets The Apprentice.

Guy's just got me
in a box at Wembley.

It's your money, Guy,
but if I was buying a souvenir,
I'd have gone for a mug.

So, how are you feeling,
me old ducky egg?

Is that another comment
about the way I look? No.

We were having a debate.

In fact maybe you
could be the judge.

I know we've never met and this
might sound a ridiculous question,
but do I look gay to you?

Don't worry,
the moment you walked so lightly

and delicately into the bar,
I thought there goes
a friend of Dorothy's.

No pleasing some people.

Lucy, can I ask you something?

Are you sure Lee's gay?

Of course I am.

Why? What did he do?

The so-called boyfriend
set my alarm bells ringing.

Boyfriend? Yeah, a guy called Tim.
Oh, that's a minefield.

I met him in the pub last night.

Tim's definitely gay.

I don't think Lee is.

I once knew a bloke who
used to pretend to be gay

because he was convinced women found
it a thrill to try and change him.

Has Lee ever tried it on with you?

Don't be silly, I'm not his type.

He prefers an outie,
I've got an innie.

Well, I'm not so sure.

Well, maybe he's not lying.

Maybe he's just changed.

Maybe he's met a woman.

Do you think that's possible, Guy?

That a man can be gay all of his life

and meet a woman who's so right,

so perfect for him,
that he suddenly becomes straight?

Is that possible, Guy?

No! You're either gay or you're not.

Not necessarily.

You know what they say,
"Some men are born gay,

some achieve gayness, and..."

Don't say some have
gayness thrust upon them.

Anyway, I'm gonna
check him out a bit more.

He's invited me for a drink
on Friday.

Maybe this time,
I'll choose the venue.

Lie back and think of England...

tickets.

Ah, you made it. All right?

What can I get you?
I was going to ask for the
rugby league results, but maybe not.

Pint of lager... and lime.

You seem a little tense.
Hard day in the ice-cream van.

Ran out of Flakes.

Had to improvise with some Twix.

So are you going to ask
anyone for a dance? No.

Not really my type.
What is your type?

I prefer the big, butch,
skinhead sort of person.

What, like Tim?

He's lost a lot of weight and gained
a lot of hair since I met him.

Lost a lot of weight anyway.

There's a big, butch skinhead over
there. Go and ask him for a dance.

Better not. If Tim finds out,
he'll throw a wobbly.

To be fair, all Tim's throws are
a bit wobbly. He throws like a girl.

Anyone would think
you weren't really gay.

PUMPING DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

♪ I'm in the middle
of a chain reaction

♪ You get a medal
when you're lost in action

♪ Wanna get your love all ready
for the sweet sensation,

♪ Instant radi...

♪ ..ation. ♪

What have you done?

I washed it at degrees
for an hour like it said.

degrees for half an hour,
same difference.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

MUSIC: "I'm Coming Out" by Diana Ross

♪ I'm coming out

♪ I want the world to know

♪ Got to let it show. ♪

What?

How long have we known
each other, Lee?

Eh?

Long enough to tell each
other things? Private things?

We do tell each other things.
All things?

All right, I once drank me own wee.

But it was for a bet, and
no-one likes to lose three quid...

..especially to their own nan.

I think I know why you made
those comments the other day.

What comments? You know...

What, about you being
slightly metrosexual? Yeah.

A bit theatrical? That's it.

Light on your feet?
A whiff of lavender?

A trifle queenish?

Duckyfied?

- Fruity?
- Yeah, all right, I get the idea.

Have you heard of projection?

It's when we say things to other

people that we know to be
true about ourselves.

Do you understand
what I'm trying to say?

I think so,
you well-hung stud muffin.

Look, why don't you just tell me?

Tell you what? About you being...

..gay.

Oh, that. How did you find out?

So it's true? Yeah, but I'm not
doing it for much longer.

Why?

I can't keep it up.

Hang on. I'm not really gay.

Oh, is that right? Oh, for
God's sake. I don't believe this.

Tim, I'm % heterosexual,
all right?

I like FHM, Abi Titmuss,
Andy McNabb, ITV , Crimewatch

reconstructions, Lynx deodorant,

forgetting birthdays, snooker, pies,

documentaries about great big stags
banging into each other
and licking the bowl.

I am not gay!

I thought you didn't look gay.
Oh, don't worry, not you, Tim.

We need to talk.

Do you mind?

Come on, Tim,
let's go in the bedroom.

All right, kitchen.

Look, OK, Lee's not gay. No?!

- I once went on a package holiday to the Greek island of Lesbos,
- if that helps.

No? I'll just go.

It's not his fault.

I asked him to be gay. Why?

I made that comment when I met
you and thought you might be
offended.

Why would I be offended?

Because you're gay.

I'm not gay.

Is anybody gay? >

So why did Julie
tell me you were gay?

- Oh, I see. No, I just told her that because she was trying it on with me
- and I didn't want to offend her.

I know it's stupid.

Well, I've been trying it on
with you, and you didn't
tell me you where gay.

I don't fancy Julie.

You must admit,
there's mounting evidence.

There's no evidence
of me mounting anybody.

So what were you doing dancing
with that bloke? You know,
in that... specialist pub?

I was trying to get tickets
for the Russia game.

I don't want to make a sweeping
generalisation, but he didn't
look like a ticket tout.

Not from the bloke dancing.
From Guy.

Guy had the tickets,

but I had to convince
him I... you know...

played for the other team. You had
to convince Guy you were Russian?

Not Russian. Gay.

I was trying to impress him.

Why on earth would that impress Guy?

Because Guy is gay.
That bloke in there?

Yes.

Oh, if you don't believe me,
ask him yourself.

Don't tell me, there's another
twist. My sister's a man.

THE CROWD CHEERS ON TV

So you're going to be seeing him

again. Maybe.

There's no rush. Oh, I don't know.

Looking at him, I say time
is definitely of the essence.

It's only a bit of an age gap.

Yeah, and at least you won't
have to impress his mum.

She's either six foot under
or in a home thinking
wine gums are currency.

You're not jealous, are you?

Have I stolen your boyfriend?

He's not really my type. He's
got one too many penises for me.

The only thing I'm jealous of
is you going to the Russia game.

Well, it may not be a corporate box,
but the halfway line is still
a pretty good view, isn't it?

How d'you mean? I've bought
two tickets for you and Tim.

No way! Thanks.

So where are they?

I put them
in the pocket of your jeans.

I wanted it to be a surprise next
time you're in there, stock-checking.

Guess who's finally managed to
wash something without it shrinking.

♪ Ta da! ♪

Oh, dear.

Was that important?

Sorry.

I gotcha!

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hangin' around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪