02x05 - Art

[bunniefuu]

I see Guy hasn't changed. Working
late as usual. Yeah, sorry.

He's at a business meeting with some
associates, mapping out targets and
projections for the forthcoming year.

And how about your flat-mate, Lee?

LaserQuest.

Ah! Boyfriend or flat-mate?

Flat-mate.

♪ Yeah not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
To scream and shout

♪ Yeah

♪ Not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Sorry.

Toby and Fliss are brokers.

Broke as what?
They can't be as broke as me.

I'm as broke as f... More wine?

We're old friends of Guy. We're
just over from Zurich for a while.

It's in Switzerland.

Have you got a cuckoo clock?

We used to have one
when I was a kid. Cuckoo fell off.

My mum replaced
it with a plastic elephant.

Didn't make a noise
but it never forgot to come out.

- ... Is this on?

If cuckoo clocks are a sore point,
we can always talk about n*zi gold.

I prefer Terry's All Gold,
but a chocolate's a chocolate.

Wow!
Guy wasn't exaggerating, was he?

So what you doing then? I mean,
So what you doing here, then?

Guy asked us round to advise
Lucy on her new business venture.

What new business venture? It's...

Hi there! Ah,

we were just talking about you. All

scurrilous and shocking, I hope.

We said you once kidnapped
a prost*tute.

Sorry I'm late.

Hopefully this makes up for it.

Oh, Guy, fantastic. Chateau Musar

from the Bekaa Valley. Oh...

Lovely, it's so... complex.

Have you tried this?

Have you started the Expressionists

v Classical debate without me?

What's going on?

Didn't Lucy tell you? She's going
to dabble in the art-dealing world.

I persuaded her there's more to life
than running a recruitment agency.

With a little help from me, she'll
be doing her first exhibition soon.

Yeah. Guy has got a big
empty space above his...

Neck?

..gentlemen's club.

You mean lap-dancing club.

Lee's the kind of person who
likes to call a spade a spade.

Yeah, and a stripper a stripper.

In fact, let's liven this party up.

Let's call a stripper.

So what do you know about art?

Lots, actually!

I like the surrealists.

Dali, Dada...

Dido.

Anyway, enough about me,
what are you guys planning
to do whilst you're here?

Actually, there's an adaptation of a
Dostoevsky novel at the Barbican.

Ah, Dostoevsky.

"If there is no God, then
everything is allowed."

Oh, Dostoevsky, what's he like?

It's from The Brothers Karamazov.

"To me, to you, to me, to you."

It's from The Brothers Chuckle.

I would love to stay and chat
but I'm off to the pub
to meet your brother.

Not on our account, I hope?

Nope, I always buy me own drinks.

Which is more than can be said
for Dostoevsky.

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, brilliant(!) Anyway,
I've got to go otherwise
I'm going to take my own life.

Here's a good game.
Boat impressions. Me first.

Small dinghy with outboard motor
disappearing into the distance.

HUMMING GURGLING BUZZ

- How come we never talk about
- stuff that other people talk about?

What stuff?

Theatre, wine... politics.

OK, let's talk about politics.

All right. What do you think
of the government?

I can't be arsed.

Join us next week on Question
Time when we'll be in St Albans.

How many books do you read, in an
average year? Dunno... About .

Or and a Jilly Cooper if
it's a leap year. What about you?

One.

One book a year?!

One book in the last five years
actually.

Well, if you've read one book,

you've read them all, haven't you?

I actually can't speak.

Am I thick?

Course you're not thick.

It's like madness, isn't it?

The very fact that you question
your sanity means you still
have it to question with.

If you're wondering if you're
intelligent, you must at least be
intelligent enough to wonder.

What book was it? Whatever You Want,

the Status Quo Story.

Blimey, you are thick, aren't you?
What's brought all this on?

Guy's got some arty friends
round the flat talking about
stuff like Russian literature.

I wouldn't worry about that type.
Those sort always pretend to know
more than they do.

They know about Dosti...

Springfield or whatever he's called.

- But you don't know if they're right,
- do you?

You'd believe them if they said the

follow-up to Anne Frank's Diary

was called Anne Frank,
The Edge of Reason.

The point is, it's easy to sound
like an expert on anything if you
say it with enough confidence.

Do you reckon? Yeah, I should know.

I did an Open University

course in Social Interaction

focusing on communication techniques

and behavioural assimilation.

Did you?

No. See, told you it was easy.

You're back early.
Doesn't mean I'm thick.

We're going to an exhibition on
East European art next Friday.

Why don't you come along with us,
Lucy? You might pick up some tips.

Although let's be fair with
the girl. It's not exactly our
specialised subject, is it?

The only thing we know about East
European art is that old joke.

How do you get a Polish sculptor
to create something minimalist?

You tell him
the marble's from Russia!

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, it's funny because it's true(!)

Actually, a lot of Polish
artists are becoming
increasingly minimalist.

And they're not using marble much
at all nowadays.

They're working in alabaster and
other more malleable materials.

Just wait.
This'll be a set up to a joke.

I did an Open University degree
course in East European art. See?
What did I say?

It was back in the early ' s.
I've told you this before.

No, you haven't. You've
got selective hearing, Fatty.

What? See, you heard that!

So are there any particular Eastern
European artists that you admire?

Er...

Johninski.

And... Paulinski...

Georginski.

Ringoinski.

John, Paul, George and Ringo...
inski?

It's an old observation, you're
not the first to spot it. They
were known as the Fab Fourinskis.

- Sounds like
- we're in the presence of an expert.

Maybe we should all go along
to this exhibition together.

Oh. I can't make Friday.
I've got teenagers to blind.

Oh, but you must, Lee. I'm sure
those teenagers can think of some
other way of blinding themselves.

We need you to illuminate us
with your cultural knowledge.

OK. Why not? I can't think
of a better Friday night

than a pint of lager
and an in-depth discussion
about minimalism and Dostoevsky.

They tend not to do

lager at art exhibitions.

Like that was the important bit.

Here's to Friday.

I hope the wine finds favour
with your unexpectedly
educated palate, Lee.

It's all right. Could be colder.

Come on.

Oh... Come on.

THUD!

Come on!

If you're trying to sing
Do You Wanna Be In My g*ng
you might want to speed up.

The flex is supposed to
automatically fly back into it
when you press this button.

I'm no expert,

but aren't you supposed to unplug it

from the wall first?

Oh, you surprise me.

I wouldn't have thought you'd
be the type I'd catch reading...

Actually, that sentence is finished.

It's a catalogue for an exhibition

I've got to go to called "Lee is

made to look like a tit."

You should stay here. Just trying to

brush up on some the artists before

tonight but this isn't helping.

"Exhibit . Name of piece,
Untitled. Origin, Unsure.
Artist, Unknown."

At least Status Quo
give you the facts.

I'm surprised the gallery
don't recognise that piece.

It's by Slobodan Pessashitski.

He never signs his work,
just does a secret little
tractor symbol under the base.

Woah! Woah! Take the lid off the
confusion stew, big mamma, and
rustle up some clarity burgers.

I was watching Shaft last night.

How do you know all that?
I go to a lot of art exhibitions.

There's more to me than
just cleaning, you know.

I'd settle for the just cleaning
bit. Are you sure you're right? Yes.

I promise you, it's a Slobodan

Pessashitski. He's highly regarded

amongst those of us in the know.

Well, I owe you an apology, Barbara.

You're not just the daft, clumsy,
marauding, cack-handed,

oafish, lumbering, bumbling,
butter-fingered,

clownish, galumphing, accident
prone buffoon I thought you were.

Thank you!

Oh, I like this. Mmm.

Says here "Untitled by Unknown".

I'm surprised they don't
recognise a piece by Slobadan
Pessashitski when they see one.

Slobadan Pessashitski?

I'm not falling for that. For what?

That's one of those names that means
something rude.

Do you know Ivor Biggun?

Is there a Hugh G Rection
in the house?

Excuse me headmaster, I've got a
message from Jemima Flappytits.

I was very naive when I was eight.

I'm telling you,
it's a Slobadan Pessashitski.

He never signs his work,
but puts a secret tractor symbol
under the base.

Do you we could take a peek?

Why not?
Just put back in it's place.

Yeah, we'll hardly move it.

I meant Lee.

Oh! He's absolutely right -
it's a little tractor.

Who's the daddy...

of the Polish abstract movement?
It's Pessashitski, that's who.

Wow, Lee. That's amazing.

Genuinely impressed.

Anyway, shall we go to the bar,
sweetheart? Leave our art
genius to talk about tractors.

Back of the netski.

So, how much would a

piece like this be worth then, Lee?

Go on - have a guess.
Ball-park figure.

I don't want to,
lanky beanpole figure.

It's about £ , .

It says here a thousand.

Yeah, well like I say, about twenty.

And I was including delivery.

Anyway, they didn't even
know it was a Pessashitski.

Still, seems like a helluva
lot for an unknown artist.

Well, that is because
this is unique.

You see, what you're looking at here

is a piece called...

..Wonki.

It was the only sculpture he ever
made. When he finished it,
he k*lled himself.

Went out into the garden shed,

poured weed-k*ller

all over him and put a match to it.

Is weed-k*ller flammable? No, it's

not. You know that, and I know that.

But he didn't. He was an idiot.

"Even in death I fail. When vill end

zis sorrow? Vere is dat g*n?"

This is the only Pessashitski
in existence and anyone

- who's valued it at a thousand
- doesn't know what they're on about.

We'd like to purchase this. Of

course, sir. A thousand pounds,

I believe?

I'll give you three.

Five. Eight. Ten.

Christ!

That's not a bid!

Sold.

I'd hate Lucy to feel she's missed
out on a bargain for her gallery.

Maybe we don't need to
mention this to anyone.

Don't worry, I won't.
I'll say Jemima Flappytits
bought it.

Ah, here he is.

Brian Sewell.

Is that cockney rhyming slang,
madam? What rhymes with Sewell?

Tool.

Cool. Fool.

Lion.

Rhymes with Brian anyway.

You were very impressive last night.

It wasn't just me. You provided the
candles and the Barry White music.

At the gallery. Ah, it was nothing.

I'm surprised you hadn't
heard of Pessashitski, Guy.

Probably a generation thing.
All this modern stuff, eh?

I guess you prefer a nice picture
of a cart stuck in a ditch.

Yes, old Slobodan -
he's the next big thing in
the abstract art movement.

You're a bit of a dark horse,
aren't you?

To think we always had
you down as a donkey.

There's a bit of
truth in that as well.

Not the ears.

Come on, we're going to be late.

Off out?

Yeah. Guy's going to help me choose

some pieces for my art exhibition.

- Well, don't hesitate to ask for help
- if you're out your depth.

Unless you're swimming.

Yeah, you have to be
careful at some of these places.

Sometimes find yourself surrounded
by people posing as art experts,

when in fact they have
an entirely different agenda.

The world is full of Anthony Blunts.

By the way, that one was
Cockney rhyming slang.

I think he meant...
I know what he meant.

Wow. Hell of a key-ring.

It's a Pessashitski!

You were so right about him
being the next big thing.

Apparently that piece we saw the
other night went for a fortune.

So I tracked down the artist
and got in on the action.

How much did you pay?

That's like asking a girl her age.

A few thousand.

Wow, that's like asking Guy his age.

A few thousand for this piece of...

shetski.

I know - bargain, eh?

All the pieces he sold me
were different prices.

What do you mean all the pieces?
How many have you bought?

His entire back catalogue.

I'm going to make a k*lling.

Think I know
where you're going to start.

It's not my fault.

It's never your fault, is it?

When the lift smelled of
burning rubber for a fortnight
it wasn't your fault.

When my mum ended up
in a ditch, it wasn't your fault.

When my Aunt Janice could
only eat soft fruit for a
month, it wasn't your fault.

Lucy's going to lose a fortune!
Someone's going to have to tell
her the truth - she's my sister.

Surely she already knows that.

Look, Tim, don't say anything.

We're mates.

Think of all the good
times we've had together. Eh?

Skateboarding with our undies round

our ankles and a sparkler sticking

out of our bums.

That wasn't me.

What about that night we
tried to steal a penguin?

That wasn't me.

What about when we climbed

a tree and when that nerdy bloke

walked past, we wee-ed on his head?

That was me.

Look. Just give me a chance.

You know me. All right. Give me

a chance. Pretend you don't know me.

You've got until the end of
the week to get her money back.

Deal.

Wasn't my fault.

'Ow do. Hello.

So how are these paint on
gloves working out for you?

I brought you an ice-cream from my
van, but I had to park miles away.

Somebody nicked my fake
disabled parking badge.

Bloody criminals.

Sorry, it was supposed
to be a Funny Face.

I'll have to make do
with yours then, won't I?

They're bad for you -
full of saturated fat and
mechanically recovered... face.

Have you sold any?

Yeah, they're going like hot cakes.

Maybe it's your sales technique.

Excuse me! I run my own business.
I'm a born salesman.

OK, can I have a copy
of Razzle and a vibrator?

Oh, BORN salesman.

Leave this to me.

Hello. Hi.

Nice, isn't it?
Yeah... Yeah, very interesting.

Let me know if you want
to try anything on.

It's a unique piece.
I know they look the same, but
they're completely different.

How? Well, they represent
different things.

What does this one represent then?

Envy. It was supposed to be green
originally but he didn't want
the others getting jealous.

So... So these are all
the seven deadly sins?

Yes. Yes...

That's er... sloth.

Took him ages to finish it!

That one's pride, which is ironic,
cos he was ashamed of that one.

Don't worry, a lot of this
is whimsy, smiling's fine.

That one's lust... I won't tell
you what he did to that one.

Then we've got greed,
gluttony and finally...

It's not grumpy, is it?

Wrath. Wrath. That's it, wrath.

Because when he did
it he was absolutely...

wrathed. Yes...

they're a set.

You missed two out, there's nine.

Ah, they're part of gluttony.
I'm sure they'll do you a deal
if you want to buy them all.

Do you know, I might do that. I might
come back and buy the lot. Really?

- I'll just go and
- check the weather report first. Why?

To see if hell's freezing over.

Everybody's a comedian.

Oh, nice of you to turn up.

I've been trying to get
hold of you for three days.

Sorry, I've been doing a major job.

House clearance, prior to sale.

Well, demolition now.

But I wasn't completely to blame.

Why has Lucy bought loads of these
Pessashitskis and can't even get
a pizza leaflet through the door?

Anyway, got to get to work.

This flat doesn't dust itself.

It does more than you. You have
really heard of him, haven't you?

Of course I have. I told you about
the tractor signature, wasn't it?

And he is well regarded
amongst those in the know? Yes.

It's just that there aren't that
many people in the know, that's all.

How many?

Er...

It's just me.

What?

Just me.

What do you mean "just you"?
How do you know about him?

I clean his flat.

You clean his flat?!

Yes, and it's not easy either. It's
full of lots of unsold sculptures.

Well, it was until the other day.

Great(!) OK, well let's not panic.

I mean,
he must have sold to at least
a few other people in the past.

We just need to find a way

of getting those precious

few buyers into Lucy's exhibition.

Brilliant plan. I knew
you'd come through in the end.

Oh, one small problem, we don't
know who they are, you mental cow.

OK, I could nosey though his stuff.

I mean he must have kept

some kind of record.

Do you reckon? I don't see why not.

It's probably all on his computer,
isn't it? Yeah.

And you'd be amazed how easily
a computer can be turned on
accidentally when you're dusting.

You, in particular, would be amazed.

I mistyped. I was looking for an old
school friend of mine - Alan Entry.

I can't believe these people
are interested in this rubbish.
It looks like a kid's sent it in.

I'm sorry, we can't return
any of your sculptures.

This is brilliant, Lee.

I'm getting loads of interest.

This reminds me of when
I saw David Copperfield in Vegas.

I was secretly impressed,
I had no idea how he did it,

yet still felt this underlying
desire to slap him in the face.

Come on. Credit where it's due.

You've done great, Lee.

Yes, show some respect. For I am
King of the Abstract Art Movement.

There's us thinking
you were just 'king useless.

Oh, 'k off, you're too 'king kind.

Well, it's nice to see you're
taking all the 'king credit.

Hey, maybe I should commission him to
do some more. Er, I wouldn't bother.

They're expecting a crash in the
Prague art world. You said he was
Polish. No. I said he was pol-ish.

Oh, look, look. Pol-ish art.

Pity I didn't bring my duster.

Polish art... Polish art...

You had to be there.

Oh, you were, weren't you?

Actually, this is a bit dusty.
Oh, no, no, no!

It's fine. The artist likes dust
on all his works. Look, trust me.
I won't break it.

Ta-da!

See?

It's not broken.

Barbara told me what's been going on.

You haven't really been on an
Open University course, have you?

No.

But I once went out with an artist.

Well, she used to do doodles
and stuff when we were chatting.

Actually, not just chatting.

You don't know anything
about art, do you?

Well, if you think about it, not
knowing about art is actually
the same as knowing about it.

By not knowing about it, you've
rejected the notion of actually...

Answer the question. Nothing.

Lock up when you've finished.

Has she gone?
Oh, here she is. The supergrass.

She tricked me. She used questions.

And she threatened to report me
to my boss. You're self-employed.
I was panicking.

It was like Guantanamo Bay
in that bathroom.

I'll give you a hand. It's fine.
I insist.

Hello. Sorry, we're closed.

If you see a bull looking for
directions to the china shop

it's too late -
Barbara's beaten him to it.

Oh, hello.

We just popped in to see
how Lucy was doing.

Is this a Pessashitski?

I thought you said ours was
the only one he ever made?

Ah well, it's your lucky day.

After you bought yours,
this one was discovered.

Turns out what you own
is only half the piece.

This is the other half.

The half
that means you two are going
to be sitting on a small fortune.

But not any small fortune.

A large small fortune.

Apparently
Wonki isn't the full title.

Meet...

Donki.

Well, I don't know how you did
it but thanks. Ah, you know me.
I can sell snow to Eskimos.

Well, Cornettos to hoodies,
same difference.

So, are you going to be
doing any more exhibitions?

I've just about
broken even on this one.

I think my art-dealing days are over.

What about The Antique Roadshow?

What about it?
Is he going to do any more?

Well I'm guessing you're brief
visit to the art world is over too?

Actually, no. Tomorrow I'm going
to an artistic interpretation

of the atrocities
of w*r and v*olence through
the medium of coloured lights.

It's LaserQuest, isn't it? Yes.

Anyway,
here's to Slobodan Pessashitski.

And the fact that we got through all

this without any of his surname

hitting the fanski.

Mmm. A tricky number, very complex.

I'm getting...

pissed.

♪ Yeah not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
To scream and shout

♪ Yeah, not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪