02x06 - Dating

[bunniefuu]

I can't.

I can't!

I can't say that.

Stop it. I'm not going to say that.

Well, I'm certainly not saying THAT.

If he promises to hang up,
I'll say it.

OK, enjoy Thailand.

Bye, sweetheart.

That was Guy.

He's such a naughty little boy.

Yeah, your cheeky
little -year-old.

Just when does a naughty little boy

becomes a dirty old man?

At least he's not emotionally
constipated on the phone.
You're embarrassed to use a verb.

"Tim. Pub. Eight. Done."

Done's a verb.

♪ Yeah, not going out, not staying in

♪ Just hanging around with
my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ Yeah, not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Sorry!

Sorry, can you disinfect that
before you put it back?

You're just jealous because
you're not with anyone. I could be
with someone if I wanted.

It's a lifestyle choice.
I like to pick and mix.

Rubbish. When was the last time
you had any mix to pick?

Er... quite recently, actually. When?

Was the Berlin wall up or down?

I try not to think about building
work when I'm with a woman.

Yeah? But I bet the lady involved
passed the time by inspecting
the cracks on the ceiling.

Actually she was inspecting
the lino on the kitchen floor.

Ohh. So, it's been a while, then?

Do you know why I think
you haven't got a girlfriend?

Just clean!

Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbour's ox.

What exactly do you think
I've got in that room?

I'm sure there are plenty of other
women that would find a man like you
a viable option.

You just need to cast your rod
a little wider.

HE SLURPS DRINK THROUGH STRAW

Actually, you might need a net.

What's up?

Oh, nothing.

I just had a ruck with your sister.

Don't worry, that's not
Cockney rhyming slang.

What was it about?

She wasn't happy about the way
I shagged her.

- Her and Guy were being all
- lovey-dovey. What's wrong with that?

He's in his s, for God's sake.
It's disgusting.

It's virtually grooming.

You could always not listen.

How can I not listen? I can't tune

these in to something else.

They're not like your heffalumps.

They don't pick up
the World Service.

You're just jealous because she's
in a relationship and you're not.
Don't you start.

Well, it has been a while. Have you
actually had a girlfriend in colour?

I have actually, yes.
I've had one in colour,
digital, and high definition.

High definition?
I don't think that's a good idea.
I've seen some of your exes.

You need to find someone.

All right. Let's do it.

Tomorrow night.
Out on the town. Me and you.

OK. Why not? The girls
won't know what's hit 'em.

Probably be your ears.

Oh, you smell nice.

Don't tell me,
Obsession by Calvin Klein.

No. Lynx buy... two, get one free.

Shouldn't you be on the phone
giving the Chelsea Pensioner a heart
att*ck? He's turned his phone off.

Hmm. Interesting.

There is a time difference, you know.

That's true, he's about years
ahead of you, isn't he?

So, is everything all set
for the great buffalo hunt?

Thanks, Germaine Greer. Very

respectful of your fellow sisters.

Are you nervous?

A bit. You can practise your
chat-up lines on me. Get lost.

No, I won't take the mick,
I promise. I'll be the woman,
you pretend to be the man.

Right, we're in a bar.

What would your opening gambit be?

Can I get you another lemonade?

Imagine we're in a really expensive
cocktail bar. All right.

Can I get you another lemonade?

So what's your name? Bobbie.

Sorry, mate, it's a bit dark
in here.

It's short for Roberta.

I bet you get
a lot of Flack about that.

Women like a sense of humour.

That's true. Why don't you try that?

So what should I say? Just be
yourself. Oh, that old chestnut.

They all say that to begin with,
then a few rules start creeping in.

"Less jokes." "More washing."

"Get that gaffer tape off me."

Will you do this seriously, please?

Pretend I'm someone else,
someone you fancy.

Right. Without any wisecracks,
what would you say?

OK.

I'd say, "I hope you don't mind me
coming over, I know this is stupid,

- "and there's no chance of
- anything ever happening between us,

"but I want you to know
I think you're one of the most
beautiful women I've ever met."

SHE GUFFAWS

Sorry, but that is so cheesy.

Well, you think so, yes,

but imagine if you WERE one of the
most beautiful women I'd ever met.

That WAS a bit cringeable.

What the f...

Why are you here?
Did you forget to break something?

Can I ask you something?
Have you thought of speed-dating?

No. Have you thought of dusting?

I've never done it, but I give
my friend a lift. It looks great.

If someone doesn't like you,
at least you find out quicker.

Oh, good. That frees up a lot of
time to deal with the depression.

Go on, give it a go.
What have you go to lose?

Apart from your virginity.

So, are you going to have a go?

It's not skittles.

I'll wait at the bar, thank you. It
all seems rather embarrassing to me.

Actually it's supposed to be
very good.

You get lots of dates but they

only last three minutes. Sounds no

different to your normal dates.

I reckon the trick is
to play it cool.

Hi... What you doing on Friday?

I'm actually Kelly, the organiser.

Well, good luck.

Not that you'll need it.

Actually... good luck.

Come with me.

Oh, hello.

Fancy seeing you here.

I'm just here to pick somebody up.

I don't mean...

I'm not looking for a relationship.
I'm just here to get them
in the car.

To give them a lift!

I've said I'm sorry.

It was a genuine mistake.
So what have you learned?

There are some things you should
never use as an opening line.
In particular?

"When's it due?"

Sorry, mate, I think the blokes
are supposed to be on this side.

I am SO sorry.

WHISTLE BLOWS

So, do you come here often?

I've told you, I'm only here

to collect my friend. Nothing more.

Blimey, I'm not chatting you up.

You're the help.

Oh, I see. Bit of dirt
under my fingernails and I'm not
good enough for the likes of you?

I thought that's what men
wanted in life.

A maid in the living room,
a cook in the kitchen
and a whore in the bedroom.

I'll have you know I'm all three.

Apart from the last one.

The first two were
pushing it as well.

So, you met anyone nice yet?

You? Thank you.

No, I mean, have you
met anyone nice? Oh.

Do you want to hear a joke? OK.

You've got Up Ducky on your shoe.

You're supposed to say,
"What's Up Ducky?"

And then I say,
"Nothing's up with me.

"What's up with YOU, sweetheart?"

You've got Up Ducky on...

Don't think it's going to work now.

Oh, actually, why don't we
play Choices?

You get to know someone's
personality by giving them
two options. Like "bacon or eggs".

You go first.

Cornetto or Magnum?
Oh, that's a good one.

That's quite... quite difficult.

Oh, I don't... I don't know.

You know it's multiple choice,
don't you?

Sorry, it's a hard one.

Erm... I'm going to have to pass.

It's true. You do get to know
someone's personality in that game.

Ask me another. Why don't you
ask me? Oh, all right. Erm...

Cornetto or Magnum?

I've just asked you that. See?
It's not that easy, is it?

Come on, Cornetto or Magnum?

When you say Magnum, do you
mean the choc-ice or the handgun?

The choc-ice. Ah, well,
that is difficult, isn't it?

You can't sh**t yourself
in the face with a choc-ice.

WHISTLE BLOWS

That's it, then.

Look, do you want to
go out for a drink sometime?

I know you're supposed to tick a box
and all that malarky, but I thought
I'd be impulsive and ask you now.

That way you might have
an answer for me by Christmas.

Look, I can't promise anything,
but give me a ring and I'll
think about it.

You're very sweet for asking
but, just so you know,

I usually visit relatives
at Christmas.

Of course I miss you.

No, I'm on my own.

Yeah, that's right.

I suppose that means
I COULD walk around naked.

Yeah, it's very cold in here.

Yes, they certainly are.

Well, I wouldn't say you could
actually hang stuff from them.

Yeah. Your Flopsy Bunny is stood here

wishing Mr Toot-Toot would

pop out and...

Oh, Christ!

I have to go,
I've got to take my own life. Bye!

I thought you were at work.

I've got a k*ller hangover.

The last thing I want to hear
is screaming kids.

Actually, second-last thing now.

Oh sorry, the coat hook's full.
Could I?

So how was speed dating?

Call me old-fashioned, but isn't

meeting a new partner about sharing

your opinions, your feelings?

How are you supposed
to do that in three minutes?

Well, you could have slowed down
and stretched it out.

I got someone's phone number,
actually. Oh, yeah? Are you gonna
call her?

Why not?

Go on, then.

All right, I will.

HE DIALS

Hi, Daisy.

What are you wearing?

Really?
Just a thong and peek-a-boo bra.

Well, don't you listen to your boss,

it's dress-down Friday.

You dirty, naughty, flopsy little...

Hi, Daisy, it's Lee here,
from the... speed dating.

Yeah. I just wondered if you'd
made a decision yet.

Right. I wasn't really talking about

the Cornetto/Magnum thing.

Do you want me to choose?
No, no, I'll do it.

That's the problem with eating out.

All the decisions you have to make.

Sorry, what was the choice again?

Red or white.

White. Great.

We have a large selection
of fantastic whites, madam.
Any. Thank you.

So what do you do for a living, Lee?

I'm the chief executive of a mobile
frozen-goods catering business.

Come on, there's no point
trying to impress me.

That's true.

I'm an ice-cream man.

So do you live on your own?

No, I share a flat with
a girl called Lucy. Is she nice?

She's all right if you don't mind
her phone voice.

Has she got one of those

voice things like Stephen Hawking?

I mean when she's on the phone

to her boyfriend. He's in Thailand.

Although he probably
still calls it Siam.

He's a lot older. Oh.

Do they make a nice couple?

I don't think they're compatible.

I mean, you don't try and play DVDs

on video recorders, do you?

Actually... Well, most people don't.

Can I tell sir and madam
about the specials today?

Oh, yes, please. We have nine
to choose from.

Maybe next time
we should go for a happy meal.

Is that a joke?

Yeah. "Next time"!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Lucy?

Lucy, I forgot me keys.

LUCY?!

You took your time.

Then again, I suppose bishops can
only move diagonally, can't they?

You're back late.

Well, Daisy couldn't decide

what type of coffee to have.

I wouldn't have minded
but the choice was "coffee" or
"no coffee". Come on, then.

Tell me about her.

What do you want to know? I dunno...

What colour eyes has she got?

Lucy, I'm a bloke. I don't know
what colour eyes I'VE got.

Is she dark? Blonde?

Pretty? Ugly?

Yeah, that's her.

So she's not very attractive, then?

I'm joking. She's very nice.

What would you give her out of ten?

One.

So she's not attractive.
No, I mean I'd GIVE her one.

So are you going to see her again?

Maybe. Well, that's good, isn't it?

Just be careful, though.

There's no point
in trying to rush things.

Not with Daisy, there's not.

Have you actually got a home?

Lucy asked me
to clean under the sink.

The sink is that thing
under the pots and pans.

So, you met someone at speed dating,

then?

How do you know?

Lucy was talking about it.

Was she?

She seemed VERY interested
in how it'd all gone.

In fact, I'd say she even looked...

overly interested.

There's no point doing that.
You always clean like that.

It makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Yeah, especially at £ . an hour.

If Lucy's that interested
in just a little date,

what would she be like if she was
actually forced to meet that person?

Don't worry - I understand.

In situations like this one must
be very delicate and tread
very carefully.

LOUD CRASH

What you doing tomorrow night?

Not much, I was just going
to have a night on the sofa.

Maybe a bottle of wine
and a chick flick.

A chick flick means a film. Oh.

Why? I was going to ask
Daisy round for a meal.

Oh, I see.

Well, that's OK, I can always
go round to my friend Sarah's
for the chick flick.

Is it me, or is it getting hot
in here?

- Actually, I wanted to know
- if you wanted to join me and Daisy.

Haven't you heard
the expression "three's a crowd"?

Course I have. I support Wigan.

Why d'you want me there?

Thought you might
like to meet her. OK. Why not?

Great. I'll cook as well.

Oh, yeah, that's why not.

I know some nice recipes.

Do you live
in our attic or something?

I've found holes in my clothes.
I asked Barbara to bring
some mothballs.

Yeah? You couldn't get me some
cleaner-balls, could you?

Don't.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh. Hello.

I've come to see Lucy. Course you
have. You wouldn't want to talk to
me, would you? I'm just the cleaner.

You might develop rickets.

Come on, Barbara,
I didn't mean it like that.

Let me make it up to you. Why not
come for a drink with me tomorrow?

- Have you heard of sexual harassment
- in the workplace?

Blimey, you're a scary woman.

So, what do you reckon?
No hard feelings?

As long as you keep it that way.

This is lovely, Lee.

What is it?

It's a sort of chickeny...

..Tonighty thing.

So, I hear you're going out
with an older man, Lucy.

I think that's really great.

Well, I'm glad someone does.

Some people don't realise how
sensual an experienced man can be.

I suppose touch is quite important
when your eyesight's going.

So, Lee tells me you're an
international stylist, Daisy.

Oh, well, I'm a hairdresser.

Oh, but I did once go to Magaluf.

You're not just a hairdresser,
though, are you, Daisy?
You're a senior coiffeur.

You make it sound so exciting.

It's quite boring, actually.

Oh, I dunno. I suspect
it has its highlights.

Not bad for a newcomer.

Now, that's actually quite funny,

because that
is one of the things that we do.

Highlights.

So, yes, I suppose that you could
say that it has its highlights!

Do you get it?

Have some more food, Daisy.

Don't be shy,
put loads and loads in your mouth.

It's normally busier than this.

It's a bit quiet tonight, Pete.

I'm Steve.

This isn't exactly
Brief Encounter, is it?

Look, Tim, don't
take this the wrong way.

You're a nice bloke
and everything...

You're not going to give me the
"this will never work out" routine?

Well, I just don't want you
to get hurt emotionally.

Obviously, I don't want you
get hurt physically, either.

Although if it was one
of those funny falls...

This isn't a date. It's an apology.

It's an apology for a date.

Look, Tim, sorry,
it's just you're not my type.

So if you don't fancy me and I don't
fancy you, what are we doing here?

Well, you kept asking,
and I felt guilty.

And I also wanted to make sure
you stayed out of the flat. Why?

Nothing.

You're a great cook.

Is this dessert home-made?

Just something I cobbled together.

You've got to make the effort
for a pretty lady.

Ooh, you've even printed a little
joke onto the stick, as well!

That is sweet!

Read yours.

What do you call a woman who
sets fire to the telephone bills?

Bernadette.

I... I like... that!

Sorry, I'm a girl of simple tastes.

I can see that.

I've really enjoyed tonight, Daisy.

We should do it again sometime.

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

Has Barbara broken your heart?

Why not?
She's broken everything else.

Oh. sorry, er, this is Tim, Daisy.

No way! That's my first name!

So how was it?

Oh, not great, actually. Why?

Oh, who knows? It could have
been anything, couldn't it?

Maybe she was just using me.

Maybe it was all just a way of
getting someone else jealous.

Maybe she shouldn't even have been
trying to get that person jealous,
because that person has a partner,

a partner that may be away
but will be back very soon.

Mm. I think that's all a bit of
a long sh*t, though, isn't it?

Maybe she just didn't fancy you.

Although... I find that
very hard to believe, Mr Daisy.

How do you k*ll a circus?
Go straight for the juggler.

Yes!

Well done!

I really love these!

Let's do another one. Quickly.

We're going as fast we can.

Don't worry, I know loads.
What's the funniest motorbike
in the world? A Yamaha-ha-ha.

What did the cowboy say in the
car showroom? I don't know. Audi.

I don't even get that one!

Anyway, it's getting quite late and
these dishes don't clean themselves.

Wow. I genuinely didn't know
you knew that.

Yeah, I should be getting back,
as well. Can I order a cab?
Oh, don't be silly.

I'll run you back. I like the
idea of Driving Miss Daisy.

Oh, like the film!

Yes, and I like the idea of...

Toy Story.

Thank you for a nice evening, Lee.
That's all right.

Look, this is quite difficult

to say, but I do think it's best to

be completely upfront with people.

Erm, I'm not sure this is
going to work out, is it?

- Are you sure you don't want a couple
- of years to think about it?

Oh, I'm sorry, Lee,
I can't really wait that long.

So what were you and Daisy
talking about in the kitchen?

Nothing. Just having a chat.

She said she wanted me to be
more like her ex.

So I finished with her.

She's out there somewhere, you know.

Well, you know Daisy.
She probably can't find her house.

I mean that special woman.

So, are you going to try
speed dating again?

Actually, I've decided to put
an advert in the newspaper.

"Professional man seeks woman
for friendship and possibly more.

"Like ironing and stuff.

"Must be reasonably attractive.

"Nothing special.

"I just don't want people sniggering

when we're out in the street."

PHONE RINGS

- Well, aren't you going to get that?
- It might be Guy.

He can leave a message.

Hello, darling.

Hi. It's Lucy.

I've been a naughty girl and I need
a good spanking from Mr Toot-Toots.

One minute.

It's your dad.

♪ Yeah, not going out, not staying in

♪ Just hangin' around with
my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need to scream
and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪