12x02 - Text

[bunniefuu]

♪ We're not going out

Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

PHONE BEEPS

That's weird.
Why is Anna texting me?

Perhaps she wants a passionate

extramarital affair with an
attractive man,

and she's texted you by mistake.

It says, "I'll be around in half an
hour, please make sure you're in."

Oh, she's dropping something off
for me.

I told her I won't be here
but you will be.

Well, what if I had plans
to go out? Do you?

Well, I do now she's sent me that.

Look, I know Anna can be a bit curt,

and, yeah, sometimes she can be a
bit of a snob,

but I wish you'd
make some effort with her.

She'll only be here for seconds.

seconds is enough.

Oh. So you do think she wants
to sleep with you, then?

KNOCK AT DOOR

MUSIC ON PHONE:
Ride of the Valkyries by Wagner

Hello? What?
I can't hear you properly.

This isn't working,
we're breaking up. Ooh, is it Toby?

If that's you, Jane,
I'll talk to you on Zoom later.

You got my text, then? Yeah.

Ha. I used to have a phone like that
in the noughties.

Well, it's not this one,
I've got a receipt to prove it.

Your phone's new, is it?
This? God, no.

Had this for weeks.

I can't stay. I'm meeting clients
back-to-back this afternoon.

Oh, do you not like looking at
each other?

I said I'd drop this round for Lucy.
It's something for the kids.

Ooh, that's handy because our

regular drug dealer's
just been sent down.

It's a home-made Play-Doh kit.

All the instructions are here.

Tell Lucy to make sure she follows
them precisely. Right.

You really should consider
a new phone, you know.

Look, I know it's not much

to look at, and it's a bit slow,
but it suits me.

Indeed.

MUSIC ON PHONE:
Ride of the Valkyries by Wagner

I've got to go.

I've got a whole afternoon of Zooms
to get through. Oh, big deal.

I've got ice pops and some
Funny Feet in the freezer.

Got the all-clear, then?

I've been to Morrisons,
not to an STD clinic.

What are you talking about?

Me telling you that Anna had left.

Sent you a text.
Oh, my phone's been on silent.

Uh, I might have wanted
to get in touch.

I know, that's why it's on silent.

Well, anyway, like I said in the
text, you are so right.

She is rude and she is snobby.

I haven't had a text message
from you.

Well, I definitely sent one.
Look, it says, "message sent".

Lee, you sent this to Anna.

Why would I do that? I don't know,
why WOULD you do that?

I accidentally replied to
the text she sent me this morning.

What did you write?

Nothing much.

Oh, my God!

She'll think it's just
light-hearted banter between pals.

Banter? This is abuse!

And it implicates me!

It's not that bad.

Not that bad? It says,

"You were right, Lucy, Anna is rude,
and snobby, and a little..."

Why did you write that last word?!

It's what you said. No!
I said she was a little curt!

It's close enough.

You say potato, I say...

You say BLEEP?!

What are we going to do?
Well, she hasn't replied yet.

It might not be as bad as
you think.

Of course she hasn't bloody replied!
She'll never speak to us again!

Like I say, might not be
as bad as you think.

You might not care about
having friends

because you've got me at home,

but I do care about having friends
because I've got you at home.

We could blame it on predictive
text. Oh, yeah. It's amazing

how easy "Thanks for dropping the
Play-Doh off for Lucy" can turn

into, "You were right, Lucy, Anna is
rude, and snobby, and a little..."

Don't keep saying it!

You need to apologise.

HE SIGHS

I'm really sorry.

Not to me!

To Anna! As well as me!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Anna! I'm going for a bath!

I assume you know why I'm here. Yes.

Sorry. Good. Where is it? What?

My phone. I think I left it here.

You've lost it? Yes.

And you haven't seen it since?

Well, if I'd seen it since,
it wouldn't be lost, would it?

It's not here. How do you know?

I had a look.

But I've only just told you
it's missing.

I've only just told you
I had a look.

Why don't you head off home, Anna,

and we'll have a good search around
for it? Why would I go home?

Well, you've got all those
online meetings,

and we could be searching
for hours.

It'll only take two minutes.
I'll phone it.

Hello. To whom am I speaking?

Oh, I see. Yes, it's my phone.

I must've dropped it there.

But if you could hold on to it
and I'll pick it up this afternoon?

Thank you.

Waitrose.

Thank God I don't shop there or

it would've been stolen before
it hit the ground.

Well, I'd better get back
for these online meetings.

What...what were you apologising
for, by the way? What?

When I got here, you said sorry.
What for?

Uh, just generally for everything.

Oh, I see.

Well...

..better late than never.

Come on. We're going to Waitrose.

What are you doing?

Just trying to act natural.

You look like a
persistent shoplifter.

Well, that might be something
to do with the fact that we're here

to steal something. We're not
stealing it. We're just going

to tell Anna we were passing by

and thought we'd collect
the phone for her.

Well, even if we do get it,
we don't know the pin code.

Well, you'd better pray she doesn't
use one, or I'll be losing a friend

and you'll be dropping
a size in underwear.

Right. Here we go.

Just act natural,
and this should be easy.

Hello, can I help you? I do hope so.
I was in here earlier today.

Just innocently shopping like any
normal person.

She's lost her phone.

Um, I rang you a short while ago.

I'm the whom to who you
were talking to.

She's whom I am.

Strong start.

Um, I told you I'd call
in later to collect it?

I think you must've spoken
to my colleague. Leslie?

Oh. You sound quite similar
on the phone.

Can I help you?

Yes. Um, you've got my phone.

She phoned earlier.

This is the right store, isn't it?

There's not another Waitrose around
here, is there?

I think I know which branch
I went in.

Yes. It was this one.

'Tis the store to whom she came.

Yeah. Yeah, it was me you spoke to.

For, uh, security, can you
tell me where you lost it?

I've no idea.

I think I'm losing my marbles.

It could be anywhere on
the shop floor.

Or the car park. Or the toilet.

You might've gone to the toilet.

I might have.

I hope not.
We don't have a customer toilet.

Well, like she said,
she's losing her marbles. She, uh...

She might have gone anywhere.

Just a moment.

Great job at looking natural!

What if he's checking
the security footage?

Well, since I just confessed

to urinating in the aisle, he
probably is.

Got it. But we still need
to confirm it's yours.

What kind of phone is it?

It's, um....

It's one of those mobile ones.

Right. So if we've had a landline
handed in, that's not yours, then?

No, but you can find out whose it is

by following the wire back
to their house.

How about I call it from my mobile?

I thought this was your mobile?

This is her other one.

Yes.

Lots of people have two mobiles.

People having affairs.

Drug dealers.

Do you want any cocaine
while I'm here?

Marbles, gone.

Actually, I think the battery's
dead. Look, I'm sorry,

I can't hand this over unless
you can identify it, I'm afraid.

Wait. I've just remembered.

It's got a green case, and it's got
a photograph of her husband

with her son wearing
a bright red T-shirt on it.

But I assumed that...

No! No. This isn't my husband!

Like she said,
people having affairs.

We're not having an affair either.

I'm the son. It's a very old photo.

This is my brother.

But my husband, Toby,

who's on the photo,

will be very upset when he realises

I've lost my brand-new phone in

a green case with a picture of him

and our son wearing
a bright red T-shirt on it.

He will.

He can be a bit of an arse,
my husband.

Thanks.

HE EXHALES

Told you it would be easy.

Come on.
Hurry up and bloody charge!

My nan used to say
a watched pot never boils.

My nan used to say, don't send
obscene insults

to your wife's best friend.

But I guess a lot of the
old ways have been lost, eh?

PHONE CHIMES

Ooh, we're in!

Oh, please, God,
let there be no pin code,

and I swear I will go
to church on Sunday!

Good news. There's no pin code.

Yes! Actually, I can't do Sunday,
but I'm free the following week.

Bad news,
it's fingerprint-protected.

Oh! I could rearrange stuff!

Look, let's think about this.

There might still
be something we can do.

Well, we can't steal
Anna's finger as well.

I know,

let's just throw the phone away
and just forget all about it.

Well, what happens when
Waitrose CCTV shows us claiming

the phone at the customer
service desk?

We break into the Waitrose mainframe

and we destroy the hard drive
with a crypto bug.

How do we do that?

I don't know!

What are we going to do, Lee?!

Hang on.

We need to get Anna's
fingerprint on here, right?

Well, I once saw this true-crime
documentary.

Lee, I'm serious, we are not
chopping off Anna's finger.

These criminals, they managed
to copy somebody's fingerprint

using everyday household items.

Like what?

HE RINGS DOORBELL

Oh. Hello again.

Hi.

I'm just online, in a meeting.

Hello.

Nice armchair.
Is that a recliner?

Um, is this important?

Yes. Very.

Well, go on.

I wanted to show you
the Play-Doh I've made.

I need you to check that
I've done it right.

It looks fine.

How about a quick squeeze?

Well done, you.

Please, just squeeze the Play-Doh.
Just to double-check.

It's perfect.

And the other hand.

Why?

Just in case one of the kids playing
with it is right-handed.

Are you feeling all right, Lucy?

Just squeeze it.

Are you still there, Anna?

Hi. I'm Anna's secretary.

She's, uh... She's just popped to
the toilet.

The consistency is perfectly fine.

Ooh. Bit too much
information there.

How long is this going to take?

Have you heard the phrase, "good
things come to those who wait"?

Heard it? In this marriage,
I've had to make it my mantra.

The original fingerprint
is back to front,

so I've had to put
a layer of glue on

so I can reverse it back again.

Be honest, you're impressed, right?

Oh, yeah. In fact, promise me we can
go through this

whole day again really soon.

Right.

I just have to put this mould
on the end of my finger.

Make a change from you
peeling mould off.

Whew! Here we go.

PHONE BLEEPS

Oh, my God, it worked!

BANGING ON DOOR

Anna! I thought you were busy
with meetings all day.

We're on a short break,

so I'm just popping to Waitrose
to collect my phone,

but as I was passing by,

there was something I wanted to say.

What?

Your Play-Doh was actually
a little bit dry.

Right. I wouldn't usually come round
for something so trivial,

but you both seemed
very passionate about it.

We are.

Well, the Viagra wasn't working,
so it's last chance saloon.

Well, I'd better go
and collect that phone.

Oh, don't do that.

Why not?

Well, I was thinking we could, uh,

go along to Waitrose
and collect it for you.

There's no need for that.

Ooh, it's nothing!
What could be simpler?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe, for example,
saying we'd already been

and we only needed
to nip upstairs to collect it?

Yes, that would've been simpler!

MUSIC ON PHONE:
Ride of the Valkyries by Wagner

What's that?

Search me. Actually, don't!

That's my phone!

Is it? Didn't know you were
a Star Wars fan.

Ride of the Valkyries.

Is that the latest one?

It's probably for you.

I'll call you back.

Why was my phone
in your pocket, Lee?

Are you accusing me of something?

Yes.

Right, just checking we're
on the same page.

Lee, I think it's time
you told Anna the truth.

Yes, I think that would be
a very good idea.

Yes. I agree. Absolutely.

Well?

I can't think of anything!

After you came round this morning,

Lee accidentally sent you a text.

It was meant for me and,
well, it was offensive,

and we really didn't want you
to look at it. I see.

And so we collected your phone from
Waitrose so we could delete it.

We said that I was her brother,

and that Toby was her husband,

and that he's been
a bit abusive and...

We don't need exact details!

And then we found out that your
phone was fingerprint-protected,

which is why we came round
to your house

and made you touch the Play-Doh,

so that we could copy your
fingerprint. It was his idea!

I don't believe this!

I know. It was very devious.

No, I believe you were devious.
I mean, I didn't realise Lee was

capable of doing something
so clever.

Thank you.

You certainly went to a hell
of a lot of trouble.

Well, that's how desperate
we were to delete the message.

Which means it must've been
a VERY offensive message.

It was. And, as my dearly valued
and closest friend,

I really, really didn't
want you to see it.

It was that bad, was it?

I'm afraid so.

So I would be very grateful if you
would just hand it over to me

so that I can delete the message.

So, what did it say?

It was, um...

It was just the numbers five,

three, one, eight,

zero, zero, eight.

But when you turn it
upside down, it says, "boobies".

That's not true, is it, Lee?

It is. The eight's the B,
and the zeroes...

Oh! He's lying, Anna.

It was something
much worse than that.

Trust me. You don't want to see it.

Yes, I could trust you, Lucy.

Or I could have a look.

Please, don't!

There's no way of unseeing
it afterwards.

It was sent in the heat of
the moment,

and it would just be best

for everyone concerned if you
deleted it without looking.

It's a d*ck pic!

It's a what?!
It's a what?!

It's a photograph of Lee's bits.

His naked bits.

He meant to send it to me.

Why would he do that?

Yes, why would you do that?

It's just something we do.

I don't.

Something I do from time to time.

It's digital foreplay.

That's weird.

Well, he's a weird man.

And for some reason,
he accidentally sent it to you.

I must've been thinking
about you when I did it.

So you can see why we really,

really didn't want you
to open that message.

Yes. Well, I must say,

I wouldn't particularly welcome

Lee's penis suddenly
popping into my inbox.

I'm so mortified,
I'm not even going to do the gag.

So, there you go, Anna.

I've been completely
upfront with you.

Please, give me the phone
and let me delete it.

Yes. Delete it, please, Lucy.

It's locked again.

Ah. Allow me.

PHONE BLEEPS

What's the problem?

I...I can't actually see it.

I had just been swimming.

I mean, there aren't any
messages from you on here.

Are you sure you sent it?

Yes.

And you definitely sent it to me
and not some other lucky recipient?

You didn't, did you, Lee?
Anna's a very common name!

Popular, I mean. Not common.

Popular. And stylish.

Yes, I accidentally replied to
the text she sent me this morning.

Look.

Oh, you should've said.
That was my other phone.

Other phone?!

Yes.

Who has two phones?!

People having affairs,
drug dealers...

This is my main phone for
work and friends,

and the other one is for other
people. The cleaner, the gardener.

And me.

That's right.

And where is this other phone?

Don't tell me - it's in a fortress
on top of a mountain,

guarded by a moat full
of venomous snakes?

It's at home in my bedside drawer.

Don't worry, I'll delete the picture
without looking, I promise.

As soon as you get back?

Yes. Well, after I finish this
online meeting with

the client who just called me,
which I really need to get back to.

Maybe try sellotaping his
hands to a book.

Bye.

Good.

What do you mean, "Good"?!

Well, you heard her.

She's going to delete it
without looking.

So she won't know I haven't
sent her a picture of my penis -

which is a sentence I thought
I would never need.

You really believe she won't
look at that message?

Well, she's just said she wouldn't.

Well, that's because she was
standing right in front of us.

Once she's home, behind closed
doors, she's bound to have a look.

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

If Toby accidentally sent you
a photograph of his willy,

would we have a look?

Oh, God,
'course she's going to look at it!

Go to her house before she
can open that text,

and tell her you insist
on deleting it yourself.

Well, why can't you do it?

Tell you what,

you do this one, and next time I
accidentally text Toby, calling him

an offensive name,
but he thinks I've actually sent him

a picture of my vag*na,
I'll do that one.

Oh, hello. I'm so sorry,
everyone, I got held up.

No worries.
We're still waiting for Mike.

Oh.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, my God.
Now what does he want?

It's that annoying man
you met earlier.

Don't worry,
I'll pretend I'm not in.

What does he want now?

God knows.

He's probably trying to steal my
fingerprints by making me feel

a model of his penis he's
fashioned out of Play-Doh.

Sorry, I'm just
looking for a charger.

No rush, Anna.
Still no sign of Mike.

In fact, if anyone wants to grab a
cuppa, now's your chance.

Good idea.

And I think I'm safe now the
text maniac has given up.

Aw, brilliant.

The one time in my life
I actually want to see her,

and she's not in.

KETTLE WHISTLES

Good God!

I bet that doesn't cuddle you
afterwards.

HE SIGHS

Ah.

PHONE BLEEPS

Yes.

Deleted.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Well?

Well, what?

Who do you fancy for
the Grand National?

What do you think I'm
bloody asking?!

Don't worry. The text is deleted.
It is gone forever.

And Anna let you do it, right?

Anna doesn't even know.

What do you mean she doesn't know?

She wasn't in.

So I climbed through a window.
I'm in her bedroom now.

Lee!

Well, you said sort it out.

I didn't say break in, you lunatic!

And when she sees that message
has been deleted,

she might think it was you!
You need to cover your tracks.

What do you mean?

I mean that when Anna looks at her
phone in that drawer,

she needs to find what she expects.

What?

What do you think?

A photo of little Lee.

Oh, God, yeah!

Trousers down, say "cheese",
send it to her,

and get out of there before she
gets back. And quickly!

Oh, God!

Actually, that's not a bad sh*t.

Hello...!

Hello!

Probably best you don't open
that text.

I mean, come on.
It's a bit strange, isn't it?

Having an online business
meeting in your bedroom?

Yeah, I'm sure we can all agree
that Anna really has been

the weirdo in this situation.

So, are you % sure
I'm completely in the clear?

Yes. Told her the real
truth this time.

Apart from the precise wording
of the original text.

And tell me again exactly what
you told her you texted.

"Hello, darling.

"Anna's just been round
to drop off the Play-Doh.

"I know you think she's
really brilliant, Lucy,

"but sometimes I do find her
a tiny bit tricky."

And she fell for that?

Yes. She was remarkably
understanding,

given the circumstances.

But, like I've always said,

she's a very compassionate
and forgiving person.

That's not what
you said in that text.

All right. She's a very
compassionate and forgiving BLEEP.

Well, let's have a look, then.

What? Of the photo you took in
Anna and Toby's bedroom.

You might as well show me.

You know what it looks like.

I didn't put a filter on it and give
it sunglasses and a sombrero.

I didn't keep it. I deleted it.

Well, it'll be in your
trash folder. Now, open it up.

Now scroll down
and click on... Not that.

No. Click on...

Gosh, you really are useless at
this, aren't you?

PHONE BLEEPS

One question.

Where does your mum keep her mobile?

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪