13x01 - Italian Lessons

[bunniefuu]

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

KNOCK AT DOOR

I need your help, Lucy.

Come in.

Er, it's not the best time, Anna.

Oh, don't apologise,
it's chaos at our house too.

Toby forgot to soak my oats
last night, so I'm not happy.

Neither am I with that image
in me head.

So what's up?

You know Toby and I
are going to Sicily in August.

I'm arranging a little surprise
while we're there.

Oh, are you having him whacked
by the mafia?

Don't be childish, Lee.
Of course I'm not.

Oh, well, looks like he'll have
to sh**t himself.

I'm planning to spring
a little Italian on him.

Oh, you ARE having him
whacked by the mafia.

I'm learning the language,
and I need your help.

I had my first Italian lesson
last night,

and I covered for it
by saying I'd been here.

If Toby happens to mention it
to you, would you back me up?

Yeah, of course we will. No problem.

Lee's seeing him later.

I do want to keep these lessons
a secret.

Whenever we go abroad,
Toby's always the one

who speaks to the waiters
and the taxi drivers.

This is my opportunity to take
the smug bastard down a peg or two.

Yes, great idea.

We won't tell

Spirito di Punto.

I'm not happy about this.

Toby's my mate.
I don't want to lie to him.

Right, so when you wouldn't drive
him to the airport a few weeks ago,

that's because you really
did have Covid?

Might have had.
Those tests are very confusing.

At one point,
I even thought I was pregnant.

What if I get my story wrong?

Get it wrong? You're not going
undercover with the Taliban.

Anna came round for a cup of tea
and then went home.

Yeah, but how does she have her tea?

Same way I do.

Course I do.

How?

Hot.

Well, there you go.

Anna came round for a hot cup
of tea. You'll be fine.

Yeah, but what if Toby asks us
both about it?

Our stories need to match.

Anna came round.

You gave her a cup of tea -
Earl Grey, oat milk, no sugar.

We offered her a Jaffa Cake,
which she declined,

and we talked about holidays.

Is that a rich enough back story
for you, Daniel Day-Lewis?

Fine.

He probably won't even mention
she was round here.

I understand Anna was
round at your place last night.

Yep.

I made her an Earl Grey
with oat milk,

no sugar,
and we talked about holidays.

She didn't want a Jaffa Cake.

And how many times
did she go to the toilet?

One. No, two.

One time, for a number two.

I'm only making small talk,

I don't need every little detail.

Bollocks.

That's a bit harsh.

I mean, what outfit? What about it?

I don't notice people's outfits.

Oh, come on.
I know you noticed it really.

How could you not? It was a bit...

.you know, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was a bit, er...

It's all right. You can say.

I can't.

Well, let me help you out.

I mean, it... It wasn't
exactly conservative, was it?

I know the word you're looking for,
you know.

Tarty.

Oh...

Revealing!

And very unlike Anna.

We're hardly seeing each other
at the moment,

I'm working all the time, and she's
either back late from a night out

or off to the gym or something.

Tonight, she's got a beauty
treatment straight after work.

Ships that pass in the night.

More like ships that scrape up
against each other.

Fire off the odd volley.

Every now and again, make
a half-hearted attempt to board.

Generally met with resistance.

Let's leave it there before we
get to the terrible loss of seamen.

I hope she's not having
some sort of midlife crisis.

I'm sure everything's fine.

Nah, I'm probably
worrying about nothing.

And she's obviously having fun.
Especially at yours last night,

She wasn't back till after midnight.

Wasn't she?!

I mean...

.wasn't she!

And if it is a midlife crisis,

there are worse symptoms
than having a makeover.

I mean, at least she's not
having an affair, right?

We have got a problem.

Ah, let me guess.

You told him
some overly complicated lie,

and now we've got to pretend
we're Bulgarian folk dancers.

No. Good, because I'm not
going through all that again.

I think Anna might be
up to something,

She is.

She's having Italian lessons.

And what's Italian for
"having an affair"?

Bruschetta?

Well, it means a bit on the side.

Who the hell is she supposed
to be having an affair with?

I don't know.

The Italian teacher.

She didn't get back last night
until after mid right.

It's a bit late for lessons,
st it?

And she's bought
a whole new wardrobe.

Probably for the Italian teacher
to hide in.

Look, Anna tells me everything.

I went shopping with her a few days
ago. She would have confided in me.

Oh, yeah? Buying new clothes,
was she?

Oh, good God.

Buying new underwear
doesn't mean you're cheating.

I mean, if you cheated on me
every time you bought new underwear,

you'd...

...never have cheated.

Are you telling me
that you would not be suspicious

if I started wearing
fancy underpants?

I'd be suspicious if you started
washing your underpants.

So is Toby suspicious?

No, because we gave her an alibi,
didn't we?

I'm going to have to talk to him.

Don't you dare!

Lucy, are you telling me

that if Anna is having sex
with some strange man,

I'm supposed to just sit by
and watch?

I am being used as an accessory.

Well, I hope you've got
new batteries.

Look, I don't for one second
think Anna's sleeping with someone.

But even if she is,
it's none of our business,

especially given that you haven't
even got any proper evidence.

Fair point.

Where are you going?

To get proper evidence.

Apparently, she's having a
beauty treatment after work today.

But is she?

Yes, probably.

All right, maybe she is.

But why is she having
a beauty treatment?

So, to clarify,
if she's having a beauty treatment,

she's having an affair,

But if she's not having a beauty
treatment, she's having an affair.

Don't forget to dunk her
in the river as well

and see if she's a witch.

Don't worry, I already know
the answer to that one.

MUSIC: Pink Panther theme

DOG BARKS

Good afternoon. How can I help you?

I, uh, wanted to enquire
about a reservation I've made.

Sure. Have you got the booking
reference number?

Actually, that's why I'm here.

I've made a booking
for this Friday night, room ,

but like an idiot ,I've gone
and lost the confirmation email.

That's all right.
When you arrive on Friday,

you can check in with your name

and the credit card you used
to make the reservation.

Oh, good.

Well, thank you very much.

Just double checking.

Room is a...romantic room,
st it?

The honeymoon suite, in fact.

I guarantee
you won't be disappointed.

Uh, and I can confirm your order
for champagne and flowers

will be in the room on arrival.

Thank you.

CAMERA CLICKS

well, I'll..
I'll see you on Friday.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, ha!

Thanks.

Can I help you find anything
back there, sir?

No, I'm just checking out your rack.

Security to reception, please.

So how was your stalking expedition?

"Stalking” makes it sound sinister.

I was just following Anna..

.Without her knowing...

.and taking photos.

So what happened?

She didn't go for
a beauty treatment.

She went straight into a hotel

to confirm a booking she's got
for this Friday in a romantic room.

Room . I remembered it

because it's the same shirt number
David Beckham had at Real Madrid.

See?
Now you're concerned, aren't you?

I'm concerned you need
a special technique

to remember a two-digit number.

Has it occurred to you,
even for a second,

that she might have booked that room
for her and Toby?

Well, why would she bock
the romantic room? They're married.

I don't suppose we can pretend
I never said that?

Maybe they're trying to put a bit
of magic back in their marriage.

Siegfried and Roy couldn't put
the magic back in their marriage.

One night in a hotel room's
not going to do it.

Well, it's better than a two-for-one
meal deal at Wetherspoon's

followed by a night
at the Travelodge.

I told you at the time,

a fourth wedding anniversary
is not a round number.

I'm telling you,
it'll be a surprise for Toby,

so keep quiet, and more importantly,
keep your nose out.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, hello!

It's fine.

How's the Italian going?

Like a steam train?

So what can we do for you, Anna?

First of all, I want to thank you
both for covering for me last night.

Our pleasure.

Well, not just ours.

And secondly, I want to ask
another favour, I'm afraid.

It's about this Friday night.

Have you got plans?

This Friday?

As in the Friday
at the end of this week?

It's the only night
I can squeeze him in,

Don't.

In fact, he can't see me
until late evening,

and I'm having a double lesson,
so I won't get back until very late.

And I'm worried if I get back home
late again,

Toby's going to start wondering
what's really going on.

Which is what?

So I wondered if you could tell Toby
I'm coming here again,

and this time, say I'm staying over.

Oh, so you want to stay over here?

No! Don't be ridiculous.

No, no. I just want to tell Toby
I'm staying here,

but actually, I'll just get a hotel
near where the lessons are.

Be quite nice, having a bed
to myself. Bit of "me” time.

Or "we" time.

Not everybody sees hotel beds
as "wee" time.

I was very drunk.
And would you stop banging on

about our fourth wedding
anniversary?

The thing is, Anna,
I don't think we can...

No problem at all, Anna.
We'll do that for you.

Of course.

Anything to help a friend

secretly get her mouth round
a bit of Italian.

Ha! Sounds rude.

I was going to say cunning linguist.

The lying cow!

So why have you just agreed
to help her with another alibi?

Because I am going to invite Toby
out for a drink on Friday night,

and we might just find ourselves
in a certain hotel bar.

That way, he can see it
with his own eyes

instead of me having to tell him.

Overnight Italian lessons
in a hotel room?

That is an actual name
of a p*rn video...

I bet.

I was supposed to be
at a work leaving party tonight,

But don't worry,
you're not spoiling my evening.

Give it a chance. The night is
young.

Al those over-the—top goodbyes.

I hate it when people get drunk
and overly sentimental

I would rather be
on a Friday night out

with my best mate
in the whole wide world.

Steady on. Let's keep it British.

Well, it's your fault for buying me
all those whiskies.

If I didn't know better, I would say
you were preparing me for bad news.

What makes you say that?

I'm a doctor, aren't I?

It's part of my job
to give people bad news.

And how do you do it?

I'm guessing you haven't got time
to get all your patients drunk.

You've always got to find
a silver lining.

Like, "Good news, you won't be
in hospital much longer.”

Anyway, why are we talking about
bad news? We should be having fun.

Anna is at your house
having fun with Lucy, right?

Yeah, that's what she said.

I need to have some fun.

Our marriage,
it's like watching a swan,

On the surface,
it's all calm and serene...

Blimey, you really are muntered,
aren't you?

.But beneath the water,

there's a nice little fish

having its face bitten off
by a pike.

Come on, mate,

there's a certain hotel bar
I want to take you to.

I once told a patient
the bad news by limerick.

Limerick?

There was a young man from Arbroath

Who had a magnificent growth...

Come on, hurry up.

Don't hold my hand.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh. I thought you were supposed
to be at your Rattan lesson.

I'm just on my way.

I just thought I'd just double check
that Toby's still none the wiser.

Well, HE'S none the wiser.

It seems like a lot of effort
to go to

just so you can order
your own toppings

at the Palermo branch
of Pizza Express.

Is there something you want
to say to me, Lucy?

OK. Bye, then.

I don't think you're having
Italian lessons, are you?

No.

I'm sorry, Lucy.
I wanted to tell you the truth,

but the fact is, I'm ashamed.

we are talking
about an affair, then?

Oh, Anna!

And you involved us!

Yes!

I can lend you mixing bowls and have
secret chats about yeast infections,

but a line has to be drawn.

I can't help you cheat on Toby.

I'm not cheating on Toby.

He's cheating on me.

What?

I know everyone thinks
butter wouldn't melt in his mouth,

even with all that sun
shining out of his backside,

but he's been acting strangely
for weeks.

Sort of upbeat,
whistling to himself.

Standing tall

I-I don't quite know
the word for it.

Happy?

That's it. Happy.

No wonder I was suspicious.

At first, I thought maybe it was
Just innocent flirting with someone.

I even made an effort
to stop his eye from wandering

by buying some new outfits
and sexy underwear.

Ridiculous.

But then I got worried.

What if this other flirty woman
wants more,

and Toby is slowly
being suckered in?

You might be jumping to conclusions.

That's what I thought at first,
so the other night, I followed him,

But I ended up getting lost
and I couldn't find a cab.

There was an Uber Share option
that I even considered,

but I realised
I hadn't sunk that low.

Eventually, I got back home,

but it was so late, Toby was
already back and fast asleep,

hence me telling him
the next morning I'd been here.

But then I went through his pockets,

and I found a hotel card with
a handwritten note on the back.

"Room , Friday night," kiss, kiss.

I see.

So you went to the hotel
and enquired about it..

...did you? I guess,
I mean, that's what I'd do.

Exactly.

So I'm going to that hotel right now
to catch him at it.

So why did you pretend to him
you were sleeping over here?

So he doesn't feel
he needs to come home.

Give him enough rope
to hang himself.

Look, I can guarantee
Toby isn't cheating on you.

Well, he certainly isn't tonight
anyway. He's with Lee.

Oh, Lucy, you are so naive.

He's obviously got Lee
to lie for him.

Toby never goes out
on a Friday night.

He watches Michael Portillo's
Great Railway Journeys.

That's the Toby I...

tolerate.

Look, Toby, you know, whatever
happens, I'm always here for you.

A shoulder to cry on
whenever you need it.

Remember, you are a decent bloke.

You're intelligent,
you're a good-looking lad.

Never forget that.

Please stop touching me!

Look, if this is about what I told
you about me and Anna, thanks,

but there's no need to worry.
It's all good.

I thought you said
she's never around,

that you never see each other.

Like I say, it's all good.

This is the place
I was telling you about.

Oh...we can't go in there.

Why not?

Look, you know I said I was meant
to be at a work leaving do?

Well, this is the venue!

We need to go somewhere else.
Immediately.

It's Gemma's leaving do.
Woman at work.

She's got a weird crush on me.

How weird? Apart from the fact
that it's on you?

She wants it to go further.

So? You're not interested in her.

Are you?

Oh, God, you're both at it!

What?

Nothing.

But she s very charming,

and very clever and...beautiful.

And she definitely fancies you?

A minute ago,
you told me I was good-looking.

Yeah, but I didn't mean it,
obviously.

Well, Gemma does,

and she has booked a room here
for the night,

which is why I didn't want to come.

I thought the best way

to take my mind off someone
that attractive and intelligent

was to go out with you.

You're making me blush.

Look, it's a really bad idea
for me to go in there,

let's just move on.

Toby! I thought it was you.

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Hello, Gemma.

This is Lee.

Hello, Lee. Are you coming inside
for a drink, then?

I don't really think I should.

I do really think you should.

SHE WHISPERS:

Easy to remember.

David's Beckham shirt number
when he was at Real Madrid.

Even when he was playing...
away from home.

I don't know exactly
what's going on here,

but I think we should go.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Are you sure?

But she thinks Toby's cheating
with some woman from work.

Which of course he isn't,
because he's with you.

Yeah.

Everything's fine.. sort of.

What do you mean, "sort of"?

Well, I got Toby drunk,
told him he was handsome,

and handed him over
to a very attractive woman

who wants to have sex with him.

But apart from that,
everything's fine.

Oh, God.

Sorry, I've, um, lost me key.

I've delivered the champagne
that was ordered, sir.

I did knock,
but there was nobody in.

Right. Great. Thanks.

Oh.

Tic Tac?

Mm!

I'm really not sure
I should be going in there.

Why?

I am a happily married man.

Of three years.

Although it did go downhill
for the next .

OK, maybe just a quickie, then.

I don't mean champagne, I mean sex.

No, actually, the other way round.

Not... Not sex the other way round.
I mean...

Actually, I-I don't know
what I mean any more.

CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS

That wasn't me.

I'm sure I left those curtains open.

I find the moonlight very romantic.

Don't you?

Maybe the staff closed them when
they came in to turn down the bed.

And what about you, Toby?

Are you going to turn down my bed?

Well, perhaps I could
rearrange your towels or something.

I don't bite.

Well, not straight away.

Do you think
we should be wearing face masks?

Sh.

Now, where's my leaving present?

Well, I chipped in
for the Habitat vouchers.

And I signed the group card.

You didn't put a kiss on it.

Even stuffy old Malcolm
from accounts put a kiss on.

Oh.

I wondered why someone
had signed it "Malcolm X."

Maybe you can give me my kiss now.

Hello!

What are you doing in there?

Took the wrong exit leaving Narnia.

He can't do this.

What's it got to do with you?

Are you his secret boyfriend
or something? No.

Although I have just
come out of the closet.

I just want to make sure

that he doesn't do something
that he regrets.

I think you should leave, Gemma.

You can't throw me out.

It's my room.

Come on, Lee, we're going.

No, it's fine.

I don't need the room.

Well, not any more anyway.

And I suppose I should show my face
at my own leaving party.

Bye, Toby.

You'll thank me for that, mate.

But I won't hold me breath.

Mate, I know it's been
an emotional roller—coaster,

but you did the right thing.

HE SOBS LOUDLY

Oh, good God.

You're a good mate, Lee.

Please wash your face!

I bloody love you, you know.

I'm giving him French lessons.

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪