13x02 - Hospital

[bunniefuu]

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need to scream
and shout

♪ we're not going out

♪ we are not going out. ♪

Snore NG

GROANING

Oh.

Am I in heaven?

If you mean the gay
club in London then, yes.

I'm Steve.

I assume that was your first time,
you fainted.

I mean the operation.
Was it a success?

Oh, that? No!

Why not?

Because your operation isn't
until tomorrow lunchtime.

You've been asleep for...

...six minutes.

You passed out when they were
taking your blood pressure.

Passed out? Oh, God,
what's the matter with me?

I'm afraid they said you've got
an acute case of high

maintenance with the added
complication of over- reaction.

You wouldn’t be being so sarcastic
if you were in this bed.

Depends what we were doing.

Why can't they just get on with it?
I don't remember all this waiting

around when you went into hospital
that time.

You mean
when I gave birth to the twins?

Well, maybe if your gallstones
weighed six pounds each

and tried to climb out of your
penis, you'd get bumped up the list.

You know what, I'm not feeling
much sympathy here.

Ah.

Look, I'm sorry.

I know you're worried.

But, like the doctor told you,

all this anxiety is why they keep
having to delay the operation.

MACHINE BEEPS

Your blood pressure is
through the roof.

You need to find a way to relax.

But that you can
do on a public ward.

I suppose.

And, at the risk of sounding harsh,
you did bring this all on yourself.

Like they said, gallstones
are brought on by lifestyle choices.

So’s being pregnant.

The main cause being
a sedentary lifestyle.

And there's only one cure for that.

Is it plenty of rest?

More exercise.

And, just as importantly,
a healthier diet.

Maybe some fruit now and then.

You know the rules - you have to get
your blood pressure

and your heart rate down before
they can do this operation.

Oh...oh, this'll help.

Lee, we thought we'd lost you.

Mm, sympathy at last.

No, I mean we went to the
wrong ward.

Where are the kids?

We left them back at our house.

Didn't want them to see
Lee like this.

Yes, we thought the sight of him

lying on his back doing nothing
would make them homesick.

Sorry, Mum, you've left them
back at your house on their own?

Oh, they'll be fine for an hour or
so - Charlie's .

Yeah, I wasn’t much older than that

when I started going out to
work every day.

Well Stonehenge wasn't
going to build itself.

Sorry if you don't think we're
looking after them properly.

Oh, you know I don't think that.

We love it when you dump
the little angels on us.

The more they damage
expensive things,

the less we have to worry about who
we’re going to leave them to.

I hope the kids aren't
worried about me.

Oh, no, not remotely worried.

I told them, the gall bladder is
a nonessential organ,

like the appendix or tonsils.

Or in their father’s case

possibly the brain.

Can we get you
anything from the canteen, Lee?

Ooh, yes. Can I get a large plate of
chips with salt and vinegar

and a can of Coke?

And some fruit.

He's joking.
Yeah, forget the fruit.

He'll just have a banana, please.

And don't forget the rubber
tire for me to have a swing in.

I'm worried now.

Do you think they'll be
all right on their own?

Yeah, as long as your dad doesn’t
wander too near the mortuary.

The hospital will think
they've got a runner.

I meant the kids.

Why don't you show this
level of worry about me?

Because you're insured.

And also, despite all evidence
to the contrary, you're an adult.

An adult who is going to be fine.

Yeah, but am I though?

What if the doctors know
something I don't?

Well, I should hope they do after
five years of medical school.

What are you doing here?

You know I work here, right?

You know what I do for a job?

Yeah, you’re, you’re a thingy...

You're a lady parts Doctor.

The word is gynecologist,
but you're in the right ballpark.

You do men as well do you?

It's a stupid name anyway.

Why?

Well it should be pronounced
"Gina-ecologist".

You know, as in "vag*na-ecologist".

I'll submit it to the
General Medical Council.

So, if you're working, why aren't
you wearing a white coat?

Because I don't drive
a Mr Chippy van.

Anyway, I just wanted to ask you
both about something

and to, er, check on how you're
doing of course.

He's a bit anxious.

I just want to know the doctors
haven't missed anything.

Everyone here knows what
they're doing.

They monitor your symptoms,
then they go into the toilets

and Google to find out
what you've got.

And what have I got?
You know what you've got.

Gallstones. Gallstones brought
on by lifestyle...

Yes, I've had the lecture.

Just be honest with me, Toby,

is there anything the doctors
aren't telling me?

Well, now you ask...

Go on. Some of them think you're
a bit overly demanding

and wish you'd stop
ringing the bell.

This is a hospital,
it's not an easy Jet flight.

Anyway, stop fretting, it's a
perfectly routine operation.

It must be routine
if Dr Stevens is doing it.

Why?
Old Shaking' Stevens?

What do you mean, Shaking' Stevens?

Sorry, ignore me,
it's just a silly nickname.

You're saying I've got
a dodgy surgeon.

Dr Stevens is fine.

You don't get acquitted by a medical
tribunal without

a modicum of surgical ability.

He what? What happened?

It was nothing. And don't tell me
that your hand hasn't slipped

occasionally when you're carving
a chicken.

Dr Stevens is perfectly competent.

Well I don't want perfect
competent, do I?

I want the best.
They are all the best.

They can't all be the best,
cos that's not logical possible.

Come on, who’s the best
doctor in this ho spit a

Oh, probably me, actually.

Right, well you do it. Can a
gynecologist remove a gallstone?

Depends where it's stuck!

Of course I can't do it.

But it is a very simple procedure.

Even a blind person with
a hangover could do it.

Could do it or is doing it?

MACHINE BEEPS

Ah, well, this is calming him
down a treat, doctor.

Why don't you tell him
about the funny items surgeons have

left in bodies after surgery?

Because that one was never proven.

It's like Dr Stevens'
defense lawyer said,

" How do we know that that scalpel
wasn't left there

"from the previous operation?"

I mean, admittedly, Dr Stevens did
the previous operations.

Sorry, Toby, what was it you wanted
to chat to us about?

Nothing actually, just, er,
just came to say hi.

No, you said you wanted to ask us
something.

Yeah, nothing important though.

Can't remember.

"A guide to preparing your last will
and testament."

Yeah, just, er,
don't worry about that.

Can I have, um,
can I have a quick word, Lucy?

Oh, my God, am I going to die?

You're not going to die.

Well, you'll die at some point,
but not today.

The operation’s tomorrow.

Well, OK,
you won't die today or tomorrow,

but after that you're on your own.

Please stop talking, Toby.

There's something I didn't want to
say in front of Lee.

Is he going to be OK?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
he's going to be fine.

Well, he's still going to be Lee,

but there's a limit to what
medicine can do.

So what is it?

Well, Lee banging on about mortality
for the last few days got me

and Anna chatting about the
inevitable end of our own lives.

Because it's more uplifting than
looking through our wedding photos.

And we realised we've
never made a will.

Are you going to leave us
all your money?

No.
We're leaving you Jack.

So, nothing then.
Our son, Jack.

Oh!

If something were to happen to Anna
and me, and Jack was left alone,

we'd like to think that there were
people there for him.

That's such a nice thing to ask,
Toby.

Uh, what about Anna?

Well, I can't ask you to take her.

You're only human.

What does Anna think?

We both want Jack to grow up in a
loving and supportive environment.

And, well, we know he'll get that
with you two.

That's so lovely.

So...

...sounds like a yes?

Well, I'll have to talk to
Lee as well of course.

Why? I thought he was going to be
dead by tomorrow.

Anna will be thrilled.

We've got a date night
planned for this evening.

And when I tell her the news
about Jack, she might let me off.

Anyway, I 'll, er...

... I'll see what I can do to make
Lee's stay a little more relaxing.

A soft pillow would be nice.

If he keeps moaning,
I can put it over his face.

What did he say?

He wanted to know if I wanted the
gallstones after they were removed.

I said yes,
but they can keep everything else.

What did he say?

This might come as a bit of a shock,
so brace yourself.

It wasn't about you.

I know, I was just as shocked!

I mean, what else is there?

Toby wanted to ask if we would be
named in their will so that

if anything happened to him and
Anna, we'd be the ones to take Jack.

I know.

I was speechless, too.

You said no, right?

Well, I said I 'D speak to you.

I don't want his kid!
Why not?

Cos I've already got three of me own
and I'm not always sure I want them.

But at least I got them
by having sex

and not some brief
conversation at a vending machine.

I don't believe this.

I haven't agreed to anything.
I can't believe you gave him the

impression you were considering it.
I know. My bad. I should have kicked

him in the bollocks and ran away
screaming.

Yeah, well I would have done.

MACHINE BEEPS

Can you calm down please?
That's what I'm trying to do.

But you’re offering our house
out as an orphanage.

It's only a bit of paperwork.

It's not like it would ever
actually happen.

And they've only ever
thought about asking us now

because you keep banging
on about the subject of death.

Well that's a good point, isn't it?

Hey? What if I did die? Then you’d
have to do it on your own.

You wouldn’t have three kids to look
after - you'd have four.

What's new?

So what do you want to do?

The same thing we did when we didn't
want to have any more kids -

pull out before it's too late!

Right, well,
you're obviously dead against it,

and we both need to agree,
so, we'll have to say no.

Good. And we need to do it
quick as well

before he tel Anna it's agreed.

Exactly.
That would be unbearably awkward.

Well go on, then.

I'm not telling him. You're the one
who's objecting to it -

you tell him!

OK, I'll just paddle me
sick bed out into the corridor

and find him, shall I?
You've got a phone.

So have you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

You do it, dickhead!

Still alive, Lee?
Only we need the bed if not.

It's for you!

Hello.

Hi, Toby, it's Lucy.

There's something Lee
would like to talk to you about.

Bye!

Bye.

Is this about the chat Lucy
and I had in the corridor?

Yeah, I mean,
I just wanted to say we are very,

very flattered that you asked us
about jack.

No, no,
sorry about the other thing.

Me saying I 'D try and pull a few
strings whilst you were here.

Oh, right.

Go on.

Well, I started by trying to
pull your operation forward to

this evening, but, er,
the manager was adamant.

First Shaking' Stevens, now Adam Ant.

Who’s giving me a bed bath,
Lima from Goolagong?

No, he's Too Shy.

I, rem, I have done you a favour,
though.

I think I've found you
a new surgeon-

Ah, so you admit
Shaking' Stevens is rubbish.

No, of course I'm not, but it's
clearly causing you anxiety,

so I wanted to put your mind at rest
and reduce your stress levels.

So, who have I got now?

Webb Wilkins or jerky Perkins?

I've put in a personal
request for Mrs Benares to do it.

Mrs Benares? Is she not a Doctor?

No, she's the tea lady.

But she likes a challenge.

Of course she's a doctor!

She's only called "Mrs" because
the senior surgeons

don't like to use
the title " Doctor".

Senior as in "experienced",
or senior as in she can't stand

up for more than five minutes and
she keeps thinking it's Thursday?

As in "experienced". She has done
thousands of operations.

Operations, as in surgery?

Operations as in
"behind enemy lines".

You'll be fine as long as
she doesn't have a flashback,

creep up behind you
and slit your throat.

Of course as in surgery.

So, look, do you want Mrs Benares,
or not?

If she's better than
Shaking' Stevens, course I do.

OK, well I'll make
the necessary calls and see

if I can get her released.

From where?

Well, from whatever she's
supposed to be doing.

You were saying about Jack.

Yeah, rem, like I say we...

...we are very flattered that you
would ask us to...

Well, it would mean a great deal
to us to think that Jack was

being well looked after
if anything happened to Anna and me.

Can you imagine though?

Me and Lucy
being foster parents to jack?

He'd end up wishing you’d
never d*ed.

Well, I rather hope he'd feel
that as soon as we d*ed.

You don't know any better
people than us, then?

No, of course not.

People that would make
better parents?

Absolutely not.

Ones that might bring jack
up in a more

intellectual
stimulating environment?

Yeah, well, I know loads of them,
obviously.

Well there you go - ha!

You know what your biggest
problem is, don't you?

What?

Self-deprecation.

Well they've taken away
the bed pan.

You are a great dad

and you're a great person.

And you're a great friend.

So, what do you say?

Well how I could I refuse?

Thanks, Lee.

Hang on, I was brainstorming.

Anna will be delighted.

Well? Did you tell him?

Yes.

I looked him right in the eyes
and I just told him straight.

I said, "Of course we'll adopt
your child if you drop down dead! "

You did what?

I did what you want and said
he could put us in the will.

You offered to make a legal
commitment to have their child?

I thought you were up for it.

Of course I'm not!

Do I look like Mother
frigging Teresa?

Well you don't sound like her.

I can't agree to
take on another child.

I'm not sewing another bloody name
tag, or feigning any more

interest in sh*t macaroni artwork.

So, why did you sound
so happy about it before?

Because I knew there wasn't
a cat in hell's chance you'd agree.

Oh, I see!

So, you thought I 'D be the one who’s
the bad guy and told him no.

Exactly.

But I was hoping you'd do
a better job.

You can't even disappoint
people properly.

You need to tell him.
Right now.

I'm not upsetting Toby.

He's arranging for me to get a good
surgeon for the operation tomorrow.

Well, I'm not committing to
another child. Especially one that's

been brought up in a house as
dysfunctional as theirs.

God knows what kind of adult he'll
be like when he grows up.

Hello.

Anna!

I 'be come to offer some
support in your hour of need.

Very kind of you.
Not you - Lucy.

I assume it’s driving you mad.

Oh, you have no idea.

Lucy thinks I brought all
this on myself.

I 'M sure you did.
Toby's just as pathetic.

I told him, you can’t spend six
months building a hospital

in Vietnam then complain to me
when you get a bit of dengue fever.

So, have you just seen Toby?

No, the Gynecology Wing is miles
away.

I 'll probably run in to him later.

Hopefully in the car.

He was just here, actually.

He was telling us
you've been discussing your wills.

Yes, that’s the other reason
I 'm here, actually.

We can't take Jack.

That's it, nice and gent.

What? I'm so sorry, Anna,

we were thrilled to be asked,
we really were,

but, with the commitments
we already have...

Sorry, Toby asked you two?
Yes.

Bloody Toby!

I'ts always trying to make important
decisions without properly

discussing it with me first.

This is the puce dado rail
all over again.

So, you didn't want to ask us?

No! Of course not.

Well thank God for that.

Everyone’s happy.

Sorry, what do you mean,
"Of course not"?

Well, you said it yours,
you’d be a ludicrous choice.

I'm not positive
I used the word "ludicrous".

Lucy, you are absolutely wonderful
parents for YOUR children.

But we could never, you know.. .?

No.

What?

Well, we could never ask you to
bring up Jack in your house.

You haven’t got the room
to start with.

You could always leave us
your house as well.

So, have you got someone
else in mind,

or is it just anyone other than us?

No, our friends Nigel and Poppa.

They’re wonderful people.

He’s a lawyer, she’s a surgeon.

They sound delightful.

Well, they’d offer Jack
all sorts of opportunities

he wouldn’t get elsewhere.

She works here actually, so, I 've
popped in to arrange a lunch date

with her tomorrow to discuss it.
I 'll see you later.

Excuse me, can you point me

in the direction of Poppa Benares
office please?

Yeah, I'm heading that way.
Follow me. Oh.

Benares? Mrs Benares, no, no,
she's not free tomorrow.

She's doing my operation -
I've booked her.

Anna? Anna!

She's gone to poach my surgeon!
Get her back now.

The cheeky cow.

What?

"You haven't got the room."

Well we haven't. There's already two
in one small bedroom.

True, and he's a bit hands
when I'm trying to get to sleep.

You're off the hook,
you should be relieved.

Yes, but she shouldn't be.

She should be devastated we said no.

Yeah, well she's not devastated,
but I am,

cos if Benares chooses to have
lunch with Anna tomorrow,

I'm back under the Kn*fe with
Shaking' Stevens.

You want Benares,
Anna wants Benares.

Everybody wants
Mrs " Bloody Perfect" Benares.

Do you think she’d do
a hip replacement?

Hands off Benares, sunshine!

What sort of a best friend doesn't
offer you their child when they die?

To be fair, Lucy,
it's her child and her decision.

We wouldn’t want her
having our children.

That's true. And I'm going to make
that very clear.

See how she likes it.

It's a bit childish, isn't it?

I'm being childish?

You're the one who's
having a tizzy fit

because your doctor's named
after a s pop star.

You’d be the same if you were having
a smear test from Dr Irrawaddy.

I have to have Benares
doing this operation.

Actually, do you know what?

You're right.

Good. Go and get Anna back now

before she asks her to go to lunch
tomorrow.

I'm not going to say
we don't want her to have our kids.

Oh, good, we're back to that,
are we? For a horrible moment there

I thought you were worried
whether I lived or d*ed.

I'm going to say the opposite.

I'll say we do want her to
have our kids.

But we don't want her to
have our kids.

And she won't want to have our kids.

But she'll still feel really guilty
that we've asked her to

have our kids and she didn't ask us
to have her kids.

And even better, she'll then have to
say no to having our kids.

Double serving of friendship guilt
with a big fat flake of awkwardness!

Do you know there's a psychiatric
ward downstairs?

And what if Anna says yes?

She won't. And even if she did,
I wouldn't follow through with it.

I don't want my kids being
raised by someone who doesn't even

let their son watch I TV in case
the accents rub off on them.

Oh, my God, she's found Benares.

She's about to steal my surgeon.
Get her in here now!

Look at her perfect fingernails.

I bet she has a cleaner.

You bet she has a cleaner what?

Oh, God, Anna's booking
the table for lunch.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Oh, hello, Doctor.

I mean hello Mrs...

Are you OK? Yeah, I think I'm just
having a panic att*ck.

OK, well take some deep
breaths for me.

LEE BREATHES DEEPLY

Yeah, that's much better.
Thanks, missus.

She's very good, isn't she?

Oh, she's practically
perfect in every way.

Oh, I'm so glad you’re
doing my operation tomorrow.

Ah, well, actually I was going to,

but, er, there’s just been
a change of plans.

No chance - you have to do it.
I've heard you're real good.

You’re very kind, but, rem,
all my colleagues are excellent.

Not all of them, though,
let's be honest.

I know all about Shaking' Stevens.

Well, it’s good to have
a specialized subject.

Please don't let me go under
the Kn*fe with Shaking' Stevens.

Would you go for lunch tomorrow

if the chef was called
Barry Butterfingers?

Sorry, are you.. .?
You’re talking about Dr Stevens?

Course I am. How many Shakes have
you got?

Toby told me all about him.

MACHINE BEEPS

You need to calm down.

Well that's easy for you to say,

you’re not being operated on by a
surgeon who's so shaky every time

they open a bottle of Coke it looks
like they've won a Grand Pr ix.

Anna, thank goodness.

I wanted to talk to you.

After you just left, Lee and I had a
very long heart-to- heart discussion.

I've only been gone a few minutes.

All this talk of wills got us
asking the same questions,

who would have our children
if something happened to us?

And you're right, it's a
very important decision.

You can't just go for a person
with a flashy job,

lots of money
and terrible taste in shoes.

No, of course not.

It has to be someone you know
and trust.

And that's why we wanted to ask...

...will you and Toby agree to take
our children?

Oh...

Oh, my goodness,
what an honor!

And after I chose someone else for
Jack. Now I feel terrible.

Do you? That wasn't my intention.

You know I adore both your children.

We've got three.

Yes. Sorry, I 'D forget my head
if it wasn't screwed on.

Oh, don't worry.
You look pretty screwed now.

Look, Lucy, I'm really pleased to be
asked, but the...

One banana, as ordered.

I 've decided -
he needs to be nil by mouth.

It's up to you where you stick it.

Hello, Anna, are you OK?

Yes, just a bit emotional. Lucy's
just asked me to take their children

in the event of anything happening
to them both.

Has she? Well, yes but...

I always assumed your father
and I would do that.

Oh, I'm sure there was no of fence

intended, it's only because you're
older than us.

What? I said it's only
because you're older than us.

We may be older than you but we're
perfect capable of childcare.

Who do you think's looking
after them now?

That is a good question, Mum,
who is looking after them now?

You haven't left
the children on their own, have you?

I 've given them a glass of milk
and a jigsaw puzzle.

What more does a teenager want?

I knew it.
This is nothing to do with our age.

You just don't think
we're fit guardians.

Don't worry, Wendy,
because I'm afraid,

Lucy, my answer is "no" anyway.

I could never take your children.

Why not?
You can have them, Wendy.

Very generous of you !
Maybe we don’t want them.

Why does nobody want my children?
Of course we want them. Geoffrey!

Oh, it’s one thing
having them visit,

but another being full time
parents to them. Full time?

All you do is stay in the house
all day in your chair

telling them not to touch things.

I let them touch my car.

You let them wash your car.

Lucy, how could you choose Anna
over us?

Oh, Mum, for God's sake,
I only did it to make her feel bad.

Did you? Why?

Because you think Mrs Benares over
there is so bloody superior to me.

I 'm not Mrs Benares.

Dr Stevens,
so pleased to meet you.

I won’t shake.

Once I start, I probably won’t stop!

Still with us, Lee?

I want a word with you, Toby.

Get in line.

Oh...

You’ve got some gall.

LEE: See, she doesn’t even know
which one's the patient.

You know what your nickname is,
don’t you, Toby?

Can we all chip in?
Toby Jug!

Because you’ve got big ears and you
can’t handle more than a pint.

Why did you offer Jack to other

people without asking me first,
Toby? He's not a gerbil.

Lucy wouldn’t
even trust us with a gerbil.

Course I would.

We’re not looking after
the bloody gerbil as well.

You've asked other people
without asking me, Anna.

At least I ask people
who are able to do it!

Are you saying we're incapable?

You're saying that to us, Lucy.

Of course I'm not! And I'm not
saying that to you, Lucy.

Yes, you are. Well, not incapable,
just inappropriate.

You'd effectively be
a one- parent family.

I knew it! Am I dying?

Not quite what I meant.

Yes, but Toby's definitely saying
that I 'm not a capable surgeon.

And behind my back,
by the sounds of it.

Anna! Poppa!

TH IS is Mrs Benares.

Oh, thank God! You have to do
my operation tomorrow.

Sorry, I've already arranged to
have lunch with Anna.

You know why she's
asking you don't you?

She wants you to look after her
child if she dies.

Does she?
Lucky her!

I'm sorry, Anna, I could
never agree to that.

Nigel and I work far too many hours.

It's not as if we could leave
Jack at home on his own.

Oh, shove it!

Lucy, would you do me
the honor of...

Not a chance!
And we’re not having him!

We'd offer, Anna, but our stair-lift
is on a two-cheater.

Perfect. So you are free to
do my operation after all

No way! Now I found out why I was
stood down for doing this operation,

I 'm going back to doing it.
Has anybody got a problem with that?

I'll sharpen your scalpel.

Actually nobody's doing the
operation. You don't need one.

That's why I'm here. To tell you
the gallstones are only minor.

Nothing that can't be sorted with
a bit of diet and exercise.

It was an incorrect diagnosis.

By who?

I bloody knew she was rubbish!

Argo!

Do you three want to draw straws for
who's going to pop my hip back in?

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need to scream
and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪