18x12 - Don't You Be My Neighbor

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Moving-truck-moving-truck-
moving-truck-moving-truck!

We're getting new neighbors!

Mom, back away from the window.

Niiice and sloooow.

You don't wanna scare 'em off, do ya?

[MUFFLED] I won't do that!

- Git her, Mr. S!
- Let me go!

I'm not gonna scare 'em away!

[STRAINING] Yes, you will.

Why do you think no new
neighbors ever stick around?

You do tend to come on too strong,
Francine.

[SIGHING] I know I do...

I just get excited.

Excited to grow our little community.

Frickin' sue me.

[HORN HONKS]

[GASPS] There's a dad.

And a... young single dad, maybe?

That's a teenage girl.

I know because I see them on the CW.

[MUFFLED] A wiiiife!

There's a wiiiiiffffeee!

♪♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

[DISH RATTLING]

Just havin' a stare
at the front door again, Franny?

Me? No.

I'm trying to calm my nerves

before we welcome the new neighbors.

Isn't that in like four hours?

You know what they say,

early bird gets the great neighbors

and the thriving community.

Well, it has a nice ring to it.

I might start saying it myself,
but it won't be today.

Today, I'm a boy's kite.

And I have to be hanging in his shed

before his deadbeat mom gets there.

She visits him once a
year on his birthday

and they take me out and fly me.

That sounds depressing.

That's the point.

All the time, I'm having
so much fun with my personas.

But you can't have the
highs without the lows.

Just like you can't have
a rainbow without orange.

The shittiest color.

ANNOUNCER: That's right,
the color orange...

You've been dadded!

I get it. Oh, well.

I hope you have an awful day.

Thanks, I will...

- [CLANG!]
- Ow!

Ugh! Dammit!

A perfect start to a terrible dayyyy!

- _
- [DISH RATTLING]

_

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mom. Try and relax.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Hi, I'm Jessica!

Hi, Jessica, I'm Francine!

I made you a casserole!

There's nothing in there!

I know! I was too excited to make it!

And I was too excited to
go to the store for lemons!

This is just tap water and mustard!

Wha-ho-ho, trippy.

[DISHES RATTLING]

Holy cow, Mr. Klaus,

this fish looks exactly like you!

- It does not.
- I see it.

- Totally.
- Like twins!

This is a bit.

You guys are joking on me.

It's got a big, stupid head thing!

Ah, you've met my fish.

I'm Donald. And that's kashi.

She's a sheepshead wrasse.

That must be what you are, Klaus.

Hey there, neighbor. I'm Jake.

Wanna hang out in my man cave?

My dude cavern?

My guy hole?

Guy hole, you say?

Lead the way.

Donald, those are some sick frames.

What's your prescription?

Right eye minus five...

Left eye minus four!

Mm.

You guys get high?

Does your fish look
identical to Mr. Klaus?

♪♪

LITTLE BOY: Be right there, Mom!
Just gonna grab my kite!

Okay, here we go.

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

Gahhhh! Perfect.

[GRUNTING]

Okay, the worst is over...

- [ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]
- Aah-ah! Aah!

Wow.

Our basement is unfinished,
but this is next level.

It's the reason I bought this house.

Perfect conditions for my hobby.

I age my own blue cheese.

Rip yourself off a chunk.

Uhh... That took me six years to make.

[MUFFLED] It's delicious.

Can I tell you how thrilled I am

to finally have another
woman right next door?

I'm thrilled you didn't run for
the hills the moment we met.

My family says I come on a bit strong.

Shut. Up.

My family says the same thing about me!

O-M-G, hilarious!

But really, all I want is for my family

to be part of a nice community.

Me too!

[TOGETHER] Frickin' sue me!

[BOTH LAUGH]

♪♪

[LAUGHTER]

♪♪

The wind's really good, Mom!

I bet if my string was longer,
it could fly to the moon!

[BELCHES]

You know what,
I got a pretty good buzz goin'.

And since it's your birthday...

Wait, right?

- Yeah.
- Good.

Because of that,
how 'bout we see how high we can fly

that weird-ass kite of yours together?

[GASPS] Do you really mean it?!

Happy birthday.

A big ball of twine?!

This is the best birthday ever!

Ugh. This is depressing.

This is perfect.

♪♪

[DOOR CREAKS]

[KNOCKS] It's go time.

- I thought we were saying "it's show time" now?
- Right.

By the way,
Oscar-worthy performance earlier

pretending to like the new neighbors.

You weren't so bad yourself.

Thanks. It's show time.

I'll send the signal.

I think I actually prefer
"it's go time."

Whatever it is, it's time.

Gather everyone while I send the signal.

It's show time.

I think "show time"
would go better with these.

I love it. That's what we do now.

♪♪

Oooh, Stan's cauldron is ablaze.

Oooh!

♪♪

Oh, Al, again on the toilet
for the cauldrons?

Oh, surprise, surprise.

Stan's using my cauldron
again without asking.

♪♪

Bro.

You promised no blow
until the afterparty.

Jeez, Klaus. I only did a teeny bit!

I get excited for these!

Greg, please release the banner...

Whoo!

Welcome, neighbor haters.

We're gathered here tonight

because we got new neighbors in town...

- Aaaah!
- Chill, Greg.

Everyone, place a hand atop
the book of stolen doormats

as we recite our oath.

We, the members of the Cherry
Street Neighbor Haters Club,

do solemnly swear to drive
away all new neighbors,

before they can annoy
the hell out of us...

With their "hey, how ya doin's"...

And their lawnmower fumes...

And their "at this house we
believe in science" signs.

And most of all,

their disgusting, unfamiliar faces

and sometimes-hard- to-remember names.

Like Frank!

[TOGETHER] Bye-bye, losers!

Dad? Is there something
wrong with your damn hand?

You didn't wave bye-bye to the losers.

I knew those incredible
eagle eyes of yours

would someday come to haunt me.

I'm having second thoughts about
driving away the new neighbors.

- [ALL GASP]
- Daddy, no!

Daddy yes, Steve.

Francine really hit it off

with this new neighbor wife last night.

Of course she did!

She loves neighbors.

And we hate them!

"Hey, how ya doin'?" Puh!

Dad, the fact that Mom
hit it off with Jessica

only means way more neighborly
things are on the horizon.

Think about it.

"Can we use your pool, Stan?"

"Can we borrow your hammer, Stan?"

Those are your things, Stan!

I know just what you need, Dad.

Greg, hop on the keys.

♪♪

♪ It's a terrible day
here on Cherry Street ♪

♪ A very bad day for
new neighbors to greet ♪

♪ Please don't be mine ♪

♪ Say you're not mine ♪

♪ I never want to have new neighbors,
especially you ♪

♪ I'd much rather live in a
neighborhood without you ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ So let's wipe the
floor with this horrible day ♪

♪ And get these new neighbors ♪

♪ The [BLEEP] out our way ♪

♪ Please don't be mine ♪

♪ Say you're not mine! ♪

♪ Don't you be my neighbor! ♪

It's show time!

Whoa, you're adding finger g*ns?

[ALL MURMURING]

Whoo! Blam-blam!

Blam-blam-blam!
Blam-blam-blam-blam-blam!

Blam! Blam-blam-blam!

Guys, I need help!

♪ Blam, blam-blam!
I can't stop sh**ting! ♪

♪ Blam, blam-blam!
Whoa-oh, I'm greggie! ♪

♪ Blam, blam-blam! ♪

HAYLEY:
[HUSKILY] Headed somewhere, stud?

Uh, Hayley.

Um, I'm off to work, in fact.

[BABY TALK] Ooh,
not with such a durdy car, you're not.

What? I just had it washed.

I saw the way you were
looking at me last night.

Like I was a big,
juicy meatball you wanted to shred up!

Shred up a meatball?

[GURGLING]

That water's gotta taste terrible.

That can't taste good.

What's she doing?

[PANTING] Francine, help!

It's my discman!

I think there might be
something wrong with it!

Can you have a listen?!

Oooh! I love Gloria Estefan!

♪ Feel the rhythm of the
music getting stronger... ♪

Whew!

Please get off my car!

I need to go to work!

But I still have to
lick this baby dry...

Ungh, ahhh, ungh!

Okay, that's enough!

- Yeah, use me like a sponge!
- JEFF: Hey!

You tryin' to shred my meatball, pal?!

I really don't know what that means.

Jeff, don't sh**t!

[SCREAMING]

sh**t him, Jake! He crazy!

I'll k*ll you!

sh**t him, sh**t him, sh**t him!

[JEFF SCREAMING]

["CONGA" PLAYS]

[SCREAMING]

What have I done?!

You k*lled Jeff, that's what.

[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]

It's my dad!

He works for the CIA.

But don't worry, he never liked Jeff.

He'll clean this mess up!

Mmmwah!

I'll always love you.

Now gather your family,
get on that helicopter,

and never look back!

ROGER: Stan! Pick me up!

You gonna loop around and scoop me?

Do a loop and scoop?

sh*t. I don't think he's loopin'.

Damn kids.

Stan! The time to loop is nooooooow!

♪♪

Amazing performances today by all.

Especially you, babe.

I really believed you when
you said Mr. S never liked me.

Hey, acting is believing.

And believing the truth is easy!

[LAUGHTER]

Hey! Hey-hey-hey! Everybody hold up!

Please tell me someone grabbed

the neighbor's doormat for the book?

That's your job, Steve.

My job was doing burn
makeup on what's-his-name!

I thought Klaus...

Bro, c'mon, man.

You know every time,
you secure the doormat.

You rascal!

What an actor!

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, where's the doormat?

And I didn't wear underwear today,
just to punk that thing.

Guess I'm the one who got punked.

[DOOR CREAKS]

The heck?

Hello?

Jessica?

"Property of Al Tuttle.

"Return to Cherry Street.

And feel free to ride me!"

Okay!

This is so embarrassing.

I better not run into
anyone I know up here.

[LAUGHTER]

- Francine?!
- Aaaaah!

Mother, what brings you here?

Oh, just returning Tuttle's pogo stick

he left at our neighbor's house.

Being a good neighbor.

Whew, I thought you were onto us.

I am onto you!

What the hell are these old
neighbors' doormats

doing in this book?!

And why is our son holding
Jessica's doormat?!

Oh, that's easy.

Because we haven't put it
in our doormat book yet.

What's a doormat book?!

I-I have to be honest,
I don't know anything about any book.

Who brought this here?

Can someone besides this
moron answer my questions?

We're the Cherry Street
Neighbor Haters Club!

We chased 'em out of town, okay?

[GASPS] Hayley!

Your mother and I demand to know why!

Stan, I know you're part of this.

Francine, I can explain.

It all started years ago
with the Schumacher family.

You remember how terrible they were...

Those people sucked so hard.

And then there were the Tuckers.

Ohhh! Suck suck suckers!

The Klepners!

- The Goldricks!
- The Memaris!

They were all perfectly good neighbors!

Well, by then it was probably more about

the fun we were having together...

- "The fun"?!
- Aah!

But the fun stops now.

I promise.

- Pff, I ain't promising sh*t.
- I mean it, Hayley.

This is the last family we chase out.

And the first family you bring back!

Get the damn neighbors back!

♪♪

♪♪

Thanks for putting this
gals brunch together, Jess.

It's so great having you back next door.

Of course.

Hayley, in this house,
it's no elbows on the table.

Oh, sorry. Gosh.

- She serious?
- It's basic manners, Hayley.

I hope fresh-squeezed is okay?

Mmm, with a little vodka?

Yes, please.

Sorry. We're a sober house.

Oh!

Now, that's awesome.

Why, you should give it a try, Francine.

Elbows off the table, Mom.

Say, whatcha cookin', Jess?

My famous scrambled eggs.

They're perfectly fluffy.

Ooh, I make 'em fluffy, too.

The secret is...

- Half 'n half.
- Water.

Water?

No, sorry, but it's half 'n half

that makes a scrambled egg fluffier.

No, it's not. It's just plain water.

[DOOR BANGS]

I want that bitch gone!

[DOOR BANGS]

I want that bitch gone!

Okay, that's seven door kicks, Francine.

You're ruining our door and our game!

When I'm pissed off, I kick doors!

That's the woman you married, baby!

And those neighbors need to go!

But you just had us get them back.

That was before I knew Jessica was

a weirdo, water-in-her-eggs, sober nerd.

Ah, she doesn't drink.

She does not drink!

I screwed up, okay?

But now I get it.

And I've been sober all morning!

Whose fault is that, Francine?

The neighbors!

That's whose fault it is!

Hey, she is starting to get it!

Cheers to that!

[CHEERING]

Cheers to that!

[HALFHEARTED CHEERING]

And cheers to that.

You may need to get some help, Mrs. S.

Help getting that family out of here!

[CHEERING]

[BEEPING]

That satellite is my
ticket back to earth.

Just gotta grab a solar
panel and steer it home...

[BANG]

Wheeeee!

♪♪

How come we can't think of anything?

We've never had trouble
getting neighbors out before.

Let's face it, guys.

We've got schemer's block.

I know what we need!

- It's cocaine.
- Yeah, definitely cocaine.

Cocaine!

[TEETH CHATTERING]

I say we get rockets and
a buttload of duct tape

and blast the neighbor's
house off our street!

- Love that!
- Oh-ho, that's good!

Steve, tell me you got that down!

I'm having trouble keeping up, Dad.

A-Are you sure I shouldn't
have just a little taste?

Just give him a gummer, Stan.

You crazy?!

Kid's got huge gums,
there won't be enough for us!

What if I wear the neighbor's
house like a big hat

with all the family stuffed inside

and just walk
'em out of our neighborhood for good?

Yessss, Tuttle, yesss!

These ideas are fire!

Steve,
are you getting down all the fire?

I'm doing my best!

Now snap a pic... God!

The camera on this phone
is so [BLEEP] good!

I can see, like, chalk particles!

Hurry, Stan! We need to print that pic

and execute the plan now,
while our highs are peaking.

Oh! Jessica has a printer.

And I'm still connected to her Wi-Fi!

Bam! Just texted you the plans.

When we get over there,
Francine will find the printer

on the sly and print one for everyone.

We can all sign one,
and I'll get it framed!

Oh, I love the frame shop.

People love me at the frame shop.

What am I doing with my life?

I should work at the frame shop!

[FINGERS DRUMMING]

Okay, okay! He's got the job!

[CHEERING]

I gotta get a picture.

- [BEEP]
- [GASPS] Oh, no!

I just sent our plans to
the neighbor's printer!

Back to Cherry Streeeeet!

With this piece of satellite,

I'll be able to steer any
passing meteor down to earth.

Now to wait for a meteor...

Hmm, let's see...

Maybe some attention-grabbin'
ass wagglin'.

[WHOOSHING]

Wow, these meteors are thirs...

- [BANG]
- ...teeeeeee!

HUELL HOWSER: So,
you're the one responsible

for baking all these pies.

No, these are rotisserie chickens.

Wooooowww! That's amazing!

Even the boysenberry?!

- That's a cash register.
- Wooooow!

- [WHIRRING]
- Is somebody printing something?

- [DOOR BANGS]
- Where's your printer?!

Where's your printer,
where's your printer?!

Ahhhhhhh!

Everyone! Get ready to execute!

- Aah!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]

We need to get out of here, now!

A little more west, aaand...

that should put me down in our pool.

TUTTLE: Found the printer!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Are they gonna hurt us, Mom?

No, Donald. They must be on dr*gs.

They need our help.

- [THUMPING]
- FRANCINE: Jess-i-caaa!

Half 'n half makes fluffier
scrambled e-ee-eggs!

Francine, please!

This isn't the real you!

You've had too much caffeine!
Or sugar, maybe!

Oh, God, I hope it's not both!

But we're not gonna abandon
you in your time of need!

As long as our house is next to yours,

we're gonna be with you
every step of the way!

ROGER: Missed the pool.

[expl*si*n]

I did the math!

Howdy, neighbors!

- [SCREAMING]
- We're not your neighbors anymore!

JAKE: What she said!

Aw, please tell me
you saved me a gummer.

♪♪

I'd just like to thank
you all for letting me

in your little neighbor-hating club.

Did we have that vote yet?

And even though you've
been hiding this club

from me for years,

I'm willing to forgive you
all because being in this club

is exactly the sense of community

that I've been longing for!

So, like, do we meet every night?

'Cause I'm available.

And like, what should I wear?

Whoa, eager beaver alert!

Pump the brakes, Mrs. S.

Yeah, pump the beaver, Mom.

LITTLE BOY: I'll be right there, Mom!

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

Whoa! Awesome new space kite!

Happy birthday, kiddo.

[SCREAMS]

Bye! Have a great time!