11x07 - The Rivals

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat, Why does

♪ a love kiss

♪ stay in my memory? ♪

Yeah. This is Neville Sawyer, works manager at Shields Carpets.

I think there's an intruder

on the premises.

What about this Miss World competition, eh?

That Miss Austria is a cr*cker!

Some of us have better things to do with our time.

Like what? What could be better than spending hours

looking at the likes of her?

- I've seen better. - Oh, have you really?

He sees me every day.

I agree with Gina,

you don't have to leave Aidensfield to see pretty girls.

Either of those two girls could give her a run for her money.

I take your point, Gina.

Those events are about making money.

You know, you're right, Oscar.

Just give me a minute, will you?

Oh, Lord. Now look what you've started.

Let me introduce myself.

I spotted the gates unlocked as I passed.

I'm the last to leave, so I always lock them.

Right. Let's take a look, then, shall we?

MUSIC: 'Take a Heart' by The Sorrows

- What the... - I'm so sorry, Mr Shields,

I didn't realise it was you.

Working late, are we, sir?

It's none of your business, Constable.

And the young lady?

She's been helping you, has she?

Well? Oh, come on, Mike. These sergeants' exams were your idea.

All right, all right, don't rush me.

BOTH: The definition of a game of chance is...

Ah, don't tell me. Don't tell me.

Here, give your grey matter a rest.

- Thanks, Alf. - Is there a cup for me?

Kettle's still hot. My chair.

Bit of fun last night.

Got called to a suspected break-in at the carpet factory.

It's the boss up to no good with a girl.

- What, you caught 'em at it? - In a manner of speaking.

- I thought the owner just died. - This chap's his son.

And I can vouch for it, Trevor Shields is very much alive.

Trevor Shields? Come back to claim his inheritance, has he?

A friend of yours, is he, Alf?

Trevor Shields was never any friend of mine.

We should have stayed at a hotel.

You know I like to be here to supervise things.

- Why? I can't stand this house. - It's a lovely old house.

It's full of character.

That's what my father used to say.

- Well, it's our house now. - Mm.

What time will you be back?

I dunno. The place doesn't run itself, you know.

- Morning. - Good morning.

- Mrs Shields? - Yes.

I'm not sure if you'll remember me. Celia Beresford.

I'm President of Aidensfield WI. Is this an inconvenient moment?

No. Come in.

Sorry about the mess. We're decorating.

You've done wonders with the place in such a short time.

Thank you. It's getting there.

Actually, I must confess this isn't purely a social call.

The thing is, the committee have asked me

to invite you to join us. - Well, I haven't really...

Always room for a fresh face. What do you say?

Do I have a choice?

I want to know how you are going to pay for these shenanigans.

Entry fees, Bernard. How do you think they do it in Miss World?

They make a fortune.

Where are you planning to hold it?

Village hall, of course.

The Women's Institute monopolise the place. They won't be keen.

Don't worry, Bernard.

Leave all that to me.

He'll see you now.

KNOCKING

You said you'd see me after lunch, sir.

Well?

- I have a maintenance schedule. - Just leave it with me.

Some things need attention now. Maybe if we went through them?

Sawyer, just get back to your work.

When I want your opinion, I'll ask.

- Oh... - Oh, I'm sorry... Alf?

Alf Ventress?

Well, it's me. Ruth.

Ruth Thomas, that was.

Oh, don't say you've forgotten me.

No. I remember. I heard you'd got back.

Oh, it's lovely to see you again after all these years.

Oh. Still with the force, I see.

Well, it's steady. It suits me.

And you never moved on?

Well, I was never one for change.

Not like you.

You always had your sights set higher.

Well, I'd best get back to work.

- Bye. - Bye.

So, er, what do you think?

A beauty pageant would take a great deal of organising.

Yes, but that's where I come in.

I could take over all that.

It could be a nice little earner

for your organisation. - It sounds too good to be true.

Well, there is the question of my fee.

A percentage of the proceeds. Negotiable, of course.

Well, it's not up to me.

I think you should put it to the members.

Seven o'clock this evening? They'll all be here.

ON GRAMOPHONE: 'Tuxedo Junction' by Syd Lawrence

Did you transfer that money from your account?

- Of course I did. - Right. OK.

I'll be off.

I hope it goes well.

A boring business meeting, darling.

You know what they're like. - See you later.

Yes. Don't wait up.

Before I put this item to the vote,

I will ask Mr Scripps to address the meeting.

Thank you, madam chairman.

Ladies and...

Ladies and ladies, the reason

I've been called here... - This so-called beauty pageant

is no more than an excuse for young women to flaunt their flesh.

My dear madam, they will be wearing swimming costumes

at the very least. - The whole idea is disgusting.

Oh, come on, Joyce. It's a new idea.

Why not give it a chance?

I'll tell you what it is. It's a scandal.

I don't know about anyone else, but I think it's the role of the WI

to uphold standards of decency.

It's for the members to decide.

You will get an opportunity to vote.

If Mr Scripps could continue.

Very well, but I'm warning you,

I won't let this pass.

I think that went down rather well.

I hope so, but when Joyce gets a bee in her bonnet.

Oh, don't worry about her. She'll be all right.

I think we ought to discuss money.

I was thinking per cent.

Oh, sounds very reasonable.

I'm sure your committee will find something useful to do with that.

As "your" fee, Mr Scripps.

Well, it wouldn't be worth my while at that.

Not with my overheads and expenses.

- Well, if you can't do it... - Oh, no, no, no...

No, I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.

I'm sure we can.

MUSIC: 'Love Is All Around' by The Troggs

♪ I feel it in my fingers

♪ I feel it in my toes

♪ Well, love is all around me

♪ And so the feeling grows ♪

Hello?

Yes? Can I help you, madam?

I'd like to speak to someone in authority, please.

I appreciate your concern, Mrs Jowett.

I just don't know what you expect me to do.

Sgt Craddock, I expect you to do your duty.

This is not a police matter.

Not a "Police" matter?

So who is responsible for defending public decency?

Unless somebody breaks the law, there is nothing I can do.

Now, if you will excuse me, madam.

ON RADIO: 'Wishing and Hoping' by Dusty Springfield

Yeah, I think probably Wednesday.

Yeah. About . No, no,

I'm not worried about that. OK, all right, Mick. Yeah.

Yeah. All right, Mick. All right, mate. Bye-bye.

Sawyer, I've been looking at your books.

Things have been allowed to slide.

Your father was ill for a long time.

You were his works manager.

You're responsible for the mess we are in,

so you can pick up your cards on Friday, Sawyer. You're fired.

What?!

TOWN CLOCK CHIMES

SCREAMING

- Have you any idea what happened? - It was so sudden.

I, er, gather you're in charge here.

Neville Sawyer, works manager. Who called you?

I don't know, I didn't receive the call.

- Is he badly hurt? - It looks worse than it is, Mike.

Cuts and bruises. They've all been very lucky.

I don't see how it could've happened.

Mike, over here.

This might be what we're looking for.

What the blazes has happened here?

Number three loom. It just crashed.

More of your incompetence, no doubt.

The machines are all in need of an overhaul, but you wouldn't listen.

How dare you speak to me like that!

Sir, that's enough. You are?

My name is Trevor Shields. I own this place.

Are you going to arrest him?

- Why would I want to do that? - He wrecked my machine.

- This wasn't my fault. - I gave him his marching orders

this morning. It's him getting back at me.

- You little... - All right, sir.

I want this man off my premises.

I think you'd better come with me.

All right, come on. Come on. Back to work.

There's no more to be seen here.

So, the metal bar we found.

Is that part of the machinery?

I don't know. I'd have to see it properly.

- Do we have this bar here? - No, sarge,

the factory inspector's examining it.

- The machines are not maintained. - Oh? Why not?

He wouldn't shut them down. Didn't want to lose capacity.

- They'd be serviced at weekends? - He wouldn't pay overtime.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Sarge?

You don't have much respect for Mr Shields, do you?

He hasn't earned it.

- Any news? - There's a witness.

Says he saw Sawyer by the machine minutes before it crashed.

We haven't got enough evidence to charge him.

Not yet we don't. Right, warn him and let him go.

Keep an eye on him. Sawyer's a man with a grudge.

Right, Sarge.

Oh, well done, Bernard, that looks very good.

But can you keep the noise down?

Oh, well done, David. You've got the record player.

- What about the records? - Oh...

er...

For goodness' sake. Have I got to do everything myself?

Hello?

Celia said I'd find you here.

Oh, charmed.

Er...look, I don't mean to be disrespectful,

but I'm afraid we're only taking entries from...

single ladies.

I'm sorry. - I'm not a contestant.

- You're not? - No.

Celia thought my experience

might be useful. - What experience?

I'm a former Miss York. More years ago than I care to remember.

Oh!

Well, the catwalk looks promising. Er...yes, well...

I'm sure you mean well, Mrs...

Shields. Ruth Shields.

How many dressing rooms do you have?

Dressing rooms...

- Have they got plenty of mirrors? - Er, er...oh, yes, they will.

We haven't actually finalised that yet.

I'm sure you have everything in hand.

- Of course. - Who is your master of ceremonies?

Oh, well, that's my area of expertise.

And you'll be perfect. Who's judging?

Maybe you would do us the honour, Mrs Shields?

I'd be delighted.

But we need two.

Two?

Oh, yes. The other will be my brother, Bernard.

Well? We didn't have enough evidence to charge him.

Er...he has a motive, revenge. But...

There's something about Shields I don't quite trust.

Keep your helmet on. You need some more exercise.

- Going somewhere? - Something I have to look into.

- Craddock know about it? - No, and don't tell him.

Any clues?

Er...

well, that piece of metal that jammed the machine,

it looks like it came from that safety rail.

The whole thing looks a bit dodgy.

Mind you, so does everything else in here.

Well, well. Look who it is.

Still plodding the beat after all these years?

But then, you never were

very ambitious, were you,

PC Ventress?

I have my moments.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to see

your safety records.

You leave matters of safety to your works manager, do you?

That's what I pay him for. Any objections?

No, I'm perfectly happy about that.

Er...but Mr Sawyer does report his findings to you?

I monitor his reports, of course.

It's just this entry here - see?

Apparently Mr Sawyer reported on the condition of the safety rails

and the gantries to you earlier this week.

I haven't had time to read it yet.

And last week.

And the week before.

It's been reported to you at least three times.

In my opinion, it didn't rate as a priority.

The condition of a worn safety rail wasn't a priority?

Don't take that tone with me, Constable.

I'm the victim here. It could cost me a great deal of money.

What if it had been one of your workers that fell into the machine,

instead of a lump of metal?

I reckon you got off pretty lightly.

It's Sawyer who's been risking people's lives

by sabotaging my machine - now why aren't you questioning him?

Don't fret yourself. We'll get to the bottom of it.

Excuse me!

Hey, have you seen this? They've closed t'factory.

What?

SHOCKED CHATTERING

There we are. And you want two tickets. There we are.

And two for you.

That's that one. Do you know, I'm in danger of being swamped.

David! Here.

Start filling them in, will you?

Well...can't Mr Scripps do this? He's good with er...

people.

Not with live ones, he isn't. It's all right, they won't bite.

Right, love. Let me take some money off you.

Now, you want some change.

Er...er...what is your name?

Sheryl Turner.

- And...what is your age? - .

Have you got...a swimsuit?

Oh, yes.

When I came past the village hall there were girls queueing

- halfway across the road. - What am I missing?

A chance to be the next Miss Aidensfield

if you don't get your skates on. - What, me?

You've got to be kidding. - Don't do yourself down.

You'd be in with a chance.

- Don't be daft. - You'd win. Hands down.

Yeah, I know.

You're not really thinking of going in for it though, are you?

Well, I thought about it, you know.

But then I decided it would only be fair to give someone else a chance.

SONG: 'Down The Road A-Piece'

♪ Now if you wanna hear some boogie like I'm gonna play

♪ It's just an old piano and a knockout bass

♪ The drummer's man's a cat they call... ♪

That is the devil's work, young man.

No, I'm doing it for Mr Vernon.

There.

And I'll take these as well.

Thank goodness. I've been trying to reach you.

It's all over the village about an accident.

I've been tied up all day.

People say the factory's been closed down.

No choice. The inspectors left me a long list of things to correct.

No wonder you look exhausted. What will you do?

Dunno.

If it's money you need, you only have to ask.

All my life I've crawled to people for money. First father, then you.

Whatever I have, I've always thought of as ours.

Something to hold over me, more like.

I've never begrudged you a penny.

Well, if this deal comes off,

I'll have money of my own. - What deal?

I'm going to have a bath.

Now, you know what you're going for?

A nice cup for the winner.

Now, see what they've got

and don't spend too much. I want change.

Any joy?

I still think you'd be better off going to a gentleman's outfitters.

This is the best I can do.

You'll have to take it or leave it.

What do you think?

Well, you'll look a lot better than the last chap who wore it.

I can't wear this!

I'll go and check. See if there's a smaller one for you.

What do you think?

Do you really want to know?

Here you go, Phil. A mock exam paper.

Oh, no. Mike, I'm sorry.

I've had it with these sergeant exams.

Oh, yeah? What's brought that on?

He's no time for studying.

He's too busy studying girls. Isn't that right, Phil?

This has got nothing to do with you.

Aye, let him be. We can't all be geniuses like you.

PHONE RINGS

Ashfordly Police Station.

Really?

Right. Be straight round there.

Shields has got a riot outside his factory gate.

ANGRY YELLING

SIREN APPROACHING

Oi! You two!

Tom!

Are you all right, Tom?

You're making a bit of a habit of this.

There. There shouldn't be a scar.

Oh, I wouldn't have minded.

A scar might make me more attractive to women.

Not to this one.

You know, maybe I should have sent you for an X-ray after all.

Why?

Just to check if there's anything in there.

You ought to smile more often.

It suits you.

I can't believe anyone still uses that line.

I'm glad you're no longer giving cause for concern.

No concussion. No need for stitches.

Great. Well, I'll take him away, then.

- Please do. - Thanks.

Hello, again, Alf. Come to join the WI?

No. I've er...come to pick up Mrs Ventress.

My wife didn't want to walk home after the trouble at the factory.

Oh, it's awful, that, isn't it?

It's not exactly good publicity if you're selling the place.

- Selling the place? - Well, that's when it happened.

After the For Sale notice went up.

Well...hadn't Trevor mentioned it to you?

There are a lot of things he doesn't mention to me.

Well, I'll be seeing you.

What a morning!

Oh, that's very good, David.

Do you know, I knew I could rely on you.

Where's my change?

How did you manage that?

Found it at the back of a cupboard.

I don't recognise it.

It needed a clean up.

Lurcher Challenge Cup Third...

It's from a flaming dog show!

Well...Alfred won't mind.

Ohhh!

Right, now, about the incident yesterday.

We soon got it under control, Sergeant.

Appreciated, but I'm concerned things could flare up again.

The protesters seem peaceful now.

Perhaps, but I won't risk a repeat of yesterday's insurgence.

You want us to go in and shift them?

No, but I do want a man on duty at the gates at all times.

All quiet on the western front?

- Now they've had their fun. - What do you mean?

Shouting things and going on.

They called me a capitalist poodle.

HE CHUCKLES

It's not funny.

Ruff, ruff!

Just remember what we practised.

I ask you a question, you answer it. It's no big deal, David.

Now, we're running out of time here. You know what to do.

Well, come on!

And now...

- SOUND SYSTEM SQUEALS - And now, ladies and gentlemen,

our first contestant.

HURRIED FOOTSTEPS

MUSIC: 'Autumn Leaves' by Mantovani Orchestra

Well, go on.

Would you like to introduce yourself

to the ladies and gentlemen?

It's David Stockwell.

I should give up now, if I were you.

- Thank you, Bernard! - Don't mind me.

Let's carry on.

What a lovely name, David,

and tell me, David, do you have any hobbies?

I enjoy baking...and dressmaking.

I made this myself.

You look pretty as a picture in it.

Don't ad lib, David.

Very interesting. And tell me, David, if you win tonight,

what are your ambitions as Miss Aidensfield?

I-I'd like to travel

and work for charity.

Thank you, David.

Let's have a nice round of applause for David Stockwell.

Well, go on.

Get off!

She'll make someone a very lovely wife.

Councillor Blaketon.

Mrs Jowett, what can I do for you?

You can do what you were elected to do.

Well, I'm always striving to do that, Mrs Jowett.

Don't come the innocent with me. You've seen the posters.

I'm sorry, you've lost me.

I'd have thought you of all people

would take a stand against this filth.

Would this have anything to do with the beauty pageant?

Beauty? There's nothing beautiful about naked flesh, Councillor.

Now, as a rate payer...

I'm sure the WI wouldn't support it

if it weren't absolutely above board.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

This village used to be a respectable place.

I'll put a stop to it - with or without you!

- Right, darling. I'm off. - Another business meeting?

Yeah.

I wondered what excuse you'd come up with this time.

Am I supposed to know what you're talking about?

Oh, come on, Trevor!

You're seeing another woman.

I know the signs.

Well, heaven knows I've had enough practice.

All right, yes.

I am seeing somebody else.

So...who is it this time?

Not that it matters. She works for me.

Why am I not surprised?

How did she take you putting her out of a job?

- I'm leaving you, Ruth. - How many times have I heard that?

This time, I'm going to be free of you.

I'll have my own money from selling the firm.

- I gave you... - The best years of your life.

Yes, Ruth, I'd have to agree with you on that.

So I'm trading you in for a newer model.

Evening, sir. Working late again, are we?

I'll tell you what, Bernard.

I think our little venture could be the start of something big.

Oh, yes?

I can see it all. Miss Yorkshire. Miss United Kingdom even.

I can see a glittering career in promotions for us.

All I can see are empty glasses.

Oh, aye. Er...do us the honours, will you, David?

Here.

VERNON: Ta.

You know, if we can get this going,

within six months...

Yes, David?

Oh...there we go, Mr Blaketon.

Are you all right, David?

Mm.

They've all gone home, love.

As soon as the rain started.

Right.

Thanks.

MUSIC: 'Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress' by The Hollies

All right if I use your facilities?

Just through there.

I don't suppose you could do us a quick bacon butty?

Aye, go on, then.

♪ Saturday night I was downtown

♪ Working for the FBI

♪ Sitting in a nest of bad men

♪ Whiskey bottles piling high

♪ Bootlegging boozer on the west side

♪ Full of people who are doing wrong

♪ Just about to call up the DA man

♪ When I heard this woman singing a song

♪ A pair of 's made me open my eyes

♪ My temperature started to rise... ♪

FOOTSTEPS

Maureen?

Six pound, shillings and thrupence.

Well done, Bernard. Keep it going.

Now then, Mike.

There we are, David. Sort it out.

Hey, Vernon, make sure you put one aside for me.

I can't promise anything, Mike. They're going like hot cakes.

I'll be glad when this pageant's over.

Why's that, then, Oscar?

I was accosted by a woman here in my own pub!

You're a one for the ladies, Oscar.

That's not funny.

She accused me of corrupting young girls.

- You haven't, have you? - Very funny.

She wants the council to put a stop to this pageant.

The woman wasn't Joyce Jowett by any chance?

- Yeah, do you know her? - She's plagued Craddock, the MP,

the bishop. Just about everybody.

I saw her in the library, bending the librarian's ear.

- Hm. What was she doing there? - She didn't get what she wanted.

She was told to come back tomorrow.

Well, thank goodness she's found something else to occupy her time.

DISTANT CRASHING

Mr Shields?

Are you all right?

Mr Shields!

REGULAR BEEPING

I see. Right, thank you.

Shields. Still unconscious but the doctors reckon he'll pull through.

- That is good news. - What?

Well, I'm glad for his wife's sake.

You don't like Shields very much.

Well, he's not my Mr Popularity any more than he's anyone else's.

Well, somebody certainly got their revenge.

So you've not questioned Mr Shields?

No. Doctors say it may be any time.

It's odd he was at the factory at that hour.

It seems he'd gone back to catch up on some paperwork.

Oh, yes. Of course. Our Mr Shields is in the habit of working late.

Maureen Felton was there last night.

Tom saw her entering the building before the incident.

- She's been in the cell all night? - Yes.

I think it's about time we had a word with Miss Felton, don't you?

You were seen at the factory last night.

I didn't do it.

You're in the habit of late visits to the factory.

I did go to the factory but I never saw him.

Your budding Sherlock soon put a stop to that.

What he told us is that he saw you outside the building

minutes before Mr Shields' accident.

- Lovers' tiff? - You'd better tell the truth.

I know how this looks.

But I swear I never hurt Trevor.

- Why would I want to? - That's what I want to know.

I admit I was there.

Oh...there's something you should know.

At last we're getting somewhere.

Bring our friend Mr Sawyer in, will you?

- Sarge. - You go to the hospital.

When Shields regains consciousness, I want a statement.

Sarge.

So where were you last night between six and eleven?

I told you, in front of the telly

with a bottle of stout. - Can anyone verify that?

No.

Oh, dear.

I hear you and Miss Felton were engaged to be married...

until Trevor Shields came along.

A reason for wanting him out of the way.

To say nothing of the fact he sacked you three days ago.

My constable says you're partial

to late-night visits to the factory.

All right, all right, yes, I did go that one night.

I followed her and called the police.

I wanted to catch them at it. Make it public.

I thought Shields would finish with her.

But it didn't work, did it?

Look, he's arrogant.

He put lots of people out of work.

He's humiliated me and accused me of malicious damage.

He's cheated on his wife with my fiancee.

How am I supposed to feel?

KNOCKING

- Any change? - I'm afraid not.

Excuse me, whose is that umbrella?

It's Mrs Shields', his wife.

She left it here. - Is there a telephone I could use?

Yes, there is, if you'll follow me.

Until we can talk to Shields, all we've got on Sawyer is motive.

What about the fancy woman?

She's admitted sabotaging the machine and calling the police.

Apparently, Sawyer was hassling her so much,

she was desperate to get rid of him. So she framed him.

We charged her with malicious damage.

PHONE RINGS

Ashfordly Police. Yes, Tom?

Right.

I see.

No.

Er...leave it to me. I'll talk to her.

Right, you know what to do. Go down here, do a twirl.

ON GRAMOPHONE: 'Belle Of The Ball'

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have the lovely Anna...

MUSIC STOPS

David, keep the music going!

NEEDLE SCRATCHES RECORD

Oh!

Anna tells me she was runner-up

in the recent Miss Eckton Bridge Carnival

and is also a leading light in the Glaysdale Young Farmers. Well done.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

a lady who needs no introduction -

our own, lovely fishmonger's daughter, Gloria Threlfour.

Now, Gloria's vital statistics

are - - .

She can fillet a stone of fish in three minutes. What an achievement!

- Mr Vernon! - Not now, David. I'm busy.

Just come down there, my love.

Thank you. Now, then.

And our next contestant, of course, ladies and gentlemen,

needs no introduction. She's a very lovely girl

we all know very well... What is it?

A message from Mrs Shields.

She says something's cropped up and she can't do our judging tonight.

Oh, flamin' marvellous! Where am I going to find another judge now?

Going somewhere?

You were at the factory last night.

You'd better tell me what happened.

He said he was leaving me.

Going off with some girl from the factory.

Well, he'd had affairs before, but this time it was different.

We had a row. He stormed out

and I followed him to the factory.

I wanted to talk to him. Get him to change his mind.

I'm afraid I got rather upset. I begged him.

- And then? - He wouldn't listen.

He somehow seemed to hate me.

- So you pushed him? - No.

He started...walking away

and I tried to...stop him.

And he slipped

and the handrail broke. It was an accident.

I knew he was hurt.

But I was afraid.

I knew what it looked like

and that young policeman came and I panicked.

- What'll happen now? - You'll have to make a statement.

After that, if you've told the truth

you shouldn't have anything to worry about.

You do believe me, don't you, Alf?

Yes, for what it's worth, I do.

But what if he dies? Who'll believe me then?

Do you have to tell them, Alf? Please? For old times' sake.

Say...by the time you got here I'd already left.

No, I can't do that.

No, of course not.

You have to do your job.

It always did come first with you, didn't it, Alf?

- We're not open yet. - I-I don't want a drink.

I need to ask you a favour, Oscar.

Oh, aye?

I'm in a bit of a pickle. One of the pageant judges has let me down.

What's that got to do with me?

I was wondering if you could do it.

Step into Mrs Shields' shoes...

in a manner of speaking.

Me? Why me?

Because as a pillar of the local community,

I can't think of anyone better qualified.

Well, as it's for the good of the village,

I'll consider it my duty to step into the breach.

Give over, Oscar. Wild horses wouldn't keep you away.

GIGGLES

So, Mrs Shields has confessed?

She says it was an accident.

We'll corroborate that when Mr Shields is conscious.

A sordid business. And Sawyer's in the clear?

Seems so, Sarge.

Ironically, if Mr Shields had listened to Mr Sawyer,

he might not have fallen in the first place.

PHONE RINGS

Right, thank you, Bradley. Hello? Oh!

Put her through, will you?

Ah, Mrs Jowett.

MUSIC: 'You Were Never Lovelier' by Victor Silvester

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.

Now, it's not been an easy task,

but the judges have finally made their decision.

FANFARE PLAYS

It gives me great pleasure to announce the winner

of this year's Miss Aidensfield competition.

Excuse me. I'm stopping these proceedings.

This gathering is in breach of a bylaw.

What flamin' bylaw?!

The bylaw passed in . Constable.

CLEARS THROAT

This bylaw forbids, and I quote,

any form of lewd, debauched and lascivious entertainment

within the parish boundaries.

I've never heard of this so-called bylaw. What's going on?

- Is this right, Mike? - My hands are tied, Vernon.

Thank you.

Um, ladies and gentlemen,

I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave the hall.

DISGRUNTLED MURMURING

I'm sorry, ladies.

Cheer up, Mike. It wasn't your fault.

I should've known I'd have to do the dirty work.

Here, get that down you.

Cheers.

It's not your fault you ruined the pageant.

Where were you, anyway?

Hospital. Pity Shields didn't come round earlier. He missed a laugh.

Who won, anyway, Oscar?

The less said about that the better, eh?

HE GRUNTS

Poor Vernon. Has anyone seen him?

The last I saw, he was making refunds

to a crowd of angry mothers.

Here he is. We've just been talking about you, Vernon.

I'll have a large Scotch, Gina.

Are you sure you can afford it?

You know, you're such a wag, Oscar!

At least you tried livening the village up.

Aye, at my expense, as usual.

I'm down to my last flippin' two quid.

You owe me more than that for material.

Oh, thank you, dear brother of mine!

Well, that's the life of the entrepreneur.

One minute you're up and then...

If I don't see a beauty pageant for years, it'll be too soon!

Mr Vernon!

What do you want me to do with these?

Don't tempt me!

LAUGHTER