04x04 - Something Borrowed, Something Green

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

MALE: I'm gonna get a
big tattoo of a rusty chain,

that goes from my leg

- and wraps around up my neck.
- Ugh.

You can't just
get a tattoo of a chain.

- You've got to earn it.
- I will when I take over a ship.

- [ALL LAUGH]
- Come on, Risik.

We deliver fuel and supplies
to real pirates.

We're, like, pirate adjacent.

Right now I'm just
a plunder sorter,

but I'm capable of way more.

Sure you are.
Trash barrel.

Hey, did you guys
see that Maleer got

big pieces of metal
attached to her head?

- No way.
- They look awesome.

She shaved off her hair
and now she has these, like,

gnarly bolts sticking out.

Whoa! Maybe I'll get
some of those, too.

How about you get
an original idea for once?

I'm stealing.
Pirates steal.

Uh, I think that makes you more
of an Orion plagiarist.

[LAUGHING]

- [ALARM BLARING]
- Huh?

Hailing frequency's
open, Captain.

Small vessel,
power down your engines

and we will board you
without v*olence.

FEMALE: [SCOFFS]
We have dilithium to deliver.

- This will put us behind.
- Oh, hush, Z'oto.

Let's have some fun for once.
They're right there.

ORION WOMAN: Captain,
the vessel's speed is decreasing.

CAPTAIN: See?
This'll be a quick pillage.

- They're powering weapons!
- Raise shields.

Power relays are failing!

- Get them back online.
- Trying to reroute power.

How did they access our system?

[ALL SCREAMING]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

TENDI: And...

Done! [CHUCKLES]

All the diseases blocked
by the transporter biofilter

after last week's shore
leave, have been cataloged.

Next up is...

Nothing?

That can't be right.

There's always something to do.

Well, one of the great things
about being a lieutenant JG,

is it's actually possible
to finish your work.

We should do something fun!

Celebrating a lack of purpose
is illogical.

Hey, Ma. What up?

I have exciting news
for Lieutenant Tendi.

You've been granted leave
to visit your family on Orion,

effective immediately.

Oh, wow.
My family.

Apparently, your sister
is getting married.

- Congratulations.
- Wait, wedding, sister, parents?

Tendi, I-I'm sorry,
I'm freaking out...

this is more backstory than I have

ever been able to get out of you.

Oh, that's okay,
Captain Freeman.

I don't need to go. I mean,

there's so much work to catch up on.

[LAUGHS WEAKLY]

Starfleet is eager to
demonstrate goodwill,

after the recent disappearance
of an Orion ship.

Oh, right.
If it's to help Starfleet, I...

- I guess I could go.
- Thank you, Lieutenant.

[DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN, SHUT]

- [SIGHS]
- Hey, you okay, D?

Yeah, I-I just haven't
been home in so long.

Plus, they want me
to be in the ceremony,

which means writing a speech.

Oh, and of course they'll want
photos of all of us

in our belly dancer outfits.

Hmm. It is rare for outsiders
to observe Orion rituals.

May I accompany you
on this mission?

The High Council would
find my report enlightening.

What? No!
I mean, uh,

it's going to be super
unenlightening, actually.

Come on, dude, T'Lyn's right.
I mean,

nobody knows anything
about your culture.

I have put my foot
in my mouth enough

when it comes to Orion stuff.

We want to learn about
the real you.

But the real me
is just gonna be doing

a bunch of boring traditions.

Sounds awesome.
Plus, I'm sorry, I just...

I have to get away
from Boims and Rutherford.

Ever since they moved in
together, they're, like,

finishing each other's
sentences.

Their emotional closeness
is unpleasant.

- [SIGHS] I don't know.
- Please.

Let me support
my number one Orion amiga.

Okay, sure. Why not?

Maybe it'll be good
for you guys to see

what my homeworld
is actually like.

Hell yeah.
Triple thr*at girls' trip.

I hope we will be allowed
to view their aquifers.

MARINER: [CHUCKLES] Ooh, okay.
T'Lyn getting rowdy.

Ooh, love the new
bedspread, roomie.

- Andorian linen?
- You know it, roomie.

- So breathable.
- So breathable.

It's like grandmama Boimler
used to say:

"A cool duvet keeps
the raisin rats away."

Speaking of sleep,

is there anything I can
do to improve yours?

I know sometimes I shift around

when I'm engineering
in my dreams.

Your squirming is so gentle.

It actually lulls me
to sleep faster.

Aw, roomie, your presence
comforts me, too.

I'm so glad we ended up
bunking together.

- Nothing can stop Brutherford!
- Brutherford!

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Ah.
- Oh...

Whoopsie-doopsie.

I was just gonna give
our bonsai here a little spritz.

Uh, I was, too.
Lil Boney loves

a little watery hug
in the morning.

I've got an algorithm
which tells me exactly

how many ounces Lil Boney needs
for optimal health.

Uh, yeah, but I've got
a green thumb

from growing up on a vineyard.

You can't trust an algorithm
for everything, right?

- Give me the mister.
- Nope.

- Give it to me.
- No!

- Give it to me! [GRUNTING]
- I said no, Mr. Rutherford!

Oh, I'm sorry.
What?

You grew up in a castle,
like friggin' Billups?

Just a regular old
Orion upbringing.

- No fancy stuff.
- Halt!

- Hiyah!
- [GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]
Get in the shuttle.

I'll hold them off
while you guys get airborne.

Greetings, Mistress.

May we take your bags?

Hi, Syraa.
Yes, please.

Ooh, I am sorry about that.

Uh, I think we can
skip the sedan, if that's...

Whoop!
[WEAK CHUCKLE]

All right, we're getting
lugged by the big boys.

- Tendi, I'm sorry, are you loaded?
- Oh, no.

We're barely the fifth-largest
family in the Syndicate.

Orions downplay their
wealth, while simultaneously

- making a spectacle of it.
- [CHUCKLES]

I mean, you don't have to
put that in your report, do you?

Look, I am from
a post-scarcity world,

and this is still impressive.

Look at that big-ass gate!

TENDI: Oh, n... I mean,
it's not that big.

D'Vana, my light in the dark.

Welcome home.

Mwah.
Mwah.

Mariner, T'Lyn, meet my parents,

the Warrior Queen Shona
and B'Rt.

So, you do have
Starfleet friends.

I would say I've heard
so much about you, but,

well, Orions don't lie.

- You don't?
- No, we do all the time.

I can't stay silent any longer.

D'Vana, D'Erika's
been kidnapped.

Oh, what?
No way.

Bridal kidnappings
are an Orion rite of passage.

Hmm. Interesting.

I'm sure the rival family will
make their demands soon enough.

[SCOFFS] Brides are only
abducted after save-the-dates

and before the invitations.

This is far too late.

Mom, you're overreacting.

As prime daughter
it's up to you

to rescue your sister.

What is a prime?

I don't know,
but it sounds cool as hell.

I concur.

You've turned your back
on our traditions.

Oh, so this wasn't
an invitation.

You just wanted me
to rescue D'Erika.

Don't be dramatic.
Of course it's nice to see you.

There's also a box of stuff

we want you to get out
of the garage.

You have to save your sister.

Because you love her
or because this wedding's

just an excuse
to merge our house

with another Syndicate family?

Obviously both.

Ugh! Fine.

I knew we could count on you.

To the oil baths.

Wow, everyone here really loves

getting carried
around on platters.

Who's ready for a very standard,

borderline boring
Orion rescue mission?

Let's do it.

And then after, maybe we do

those oil baths I keep hearing about.

I've never asked you
for anything!

I've never asked you
for anything, too.

Aah!

[GASPS] You misted me.

It just went off in my hand.

Oh, we have
the holodeck reserved.

How about we go have some fun,
and then after,

maybe we'll get along better.

[GRUNTS]

♪ ♪

[GASPS]

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: Oh, what in
the Sam Hill are you a-wearing?

I thought I was supposed
to be Twain.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: I
say you are incorrect, sir.

I believe we decided
I would be Twain.

Twin Twains?
That dog won't hunt.

Uh, Mr. Clemens?

- Mm-hmm. That's me.
- No, I'm Twain.

Switch costumes,
you ignominious pretender.

You're more stubborn
than a senate mule.

- Grits, grits, grits!
- Tarnation!

- Fancy pants, big-city lawyer.
- I say you are incorrect, sir.

I fail to understand why
we must wear this attire

when we are clearly not Orions.

The material is inefficient.

I know the uniform is
more comfortable, but,

Slit Throat has
a dress code. [CHUCKLES]

You know, got to respect
that they didn't even pretend

to add a pun in there.

It shows strength.
I like it.

We're just gonna grab some info
and be on our way.

MARINER: Sure, but how the hell
are we getting in there?

Oh...

- Let us in.
- Get in line. Oh...

Oh, Mistress of the Winter
Constellations!

Oh, I didn't realize!
Please don't flay me.

Oh, h-he's just kidding.
I would never flay.

I owe you an eternal debt
of gratitude.

My grandchildren
will sing of this day.

- [DANCE MUSIC THUMPING]
- Tendi.

Shame on you for not
bringing me here before now.

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Are we gonna talk about how
everyone's in awe of Tendi?

She does command
an unexpected gravitas

for someone so excitable.

It's on the house, Mistress.

And that is from the Madame.

- [GRUNTS]
- Mariner!

[GRUNTING, GROANING]
All good.

Ah, I love it, actually.

All part of the ambience.

[CHUCKLING]

Here for payback, D'Vana?

I don't know what you're
talking about, Madame G.

- I'm just here looking for my sister.
- Ugh.

Bridal kidnappings are so gaudy.

I thought the Tendis had class.

I don't care what you think,
just what you know.

I've heard some whispers,

but you'll have to earn them.

Oh, please, can we not?

[SIGHS]

[HISSING, SNARLING]

Oh, has Starfleet softened you?

Ah. Yes. I love being soft.

Tendi, how are you so good at
the m*rder-bug drinking game?

I don't know.
It's my first time.

Guess I'm just a natural.

[COUGHS]

Nya'al is still in love
with D'Erika.

Everyone knows it.

So you're saying he's to blame?

[COUGHING]

Bridenappings are for show.

But if it was Nya'al,
D'Erika could really be in trouble.

- Let's get moving.
- Ah, let's get brunch

- while you're in town, girl.
- Oh, for sure.

There is no way I'm calling her.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: And
you, sir, are as clever

as an alley cat
on his tenth life.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: I
am but a humble crumb

on the biscuit of your wit, sir.

[GUFFAWING]

I say, I can't believe
two charming devils

such as ourselves
were ever at odds,

my identical friend.

[REGULAR ACCENT]: Yeah. For some reason,
when we're both Mark Twain,

we seem to be able
to really find common ground

- without any lingering resentment.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]
[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: I mean, uh,

to paraphrase
the old rail-splitter,

a house divided in Twain
cannot stand.

- [GUFFAWING]
- Okeydokey.

It would be my honor
if you would mist the bonsai

on odd stardates,
my doppleganging devil.

And you, sir,
shall have the evens.

RANSOM [ON COMMS]:
Lieutenants Boimler and Rutherford,

- report to the bridge.
- I say, we're on the way, sir.

Computer, arch.

[REGULAR ACCENT]: Why
are vests so complicated?

So, uh, Tendi,
would you like to talk

about how you totally
whupped ass back there?

Oh, yeah, sorry about that.

High school friendships
always age weird, you know?

This next place
will be way more chill.

Fascinating.
Orions attend secondary education.

Yeah. I wasn't going to
get into Starfleet Academy

because I can
tie a lot of knots.

How many knots can you tie?

Mm...
[WEAK CHUCKLE]

Hey, I, eh... who cares?
We've all tied some knots.

Knots are fun.

♪ ♪

[LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CHATTER]

MARINER: Ooh, pretty nice hump dungeon.

I think they have one of these
in New Seattle.

These are
pretty common on Orion.

The males appear
to be under some sort

of chemical manipulation,

perhaps controlled
by pheromones.

- Don't log that.
- Yeah, Tendi's made it clear

that Starfleet made
those pheromones up.

I mean, they had to
explain why a captain

would get taken out by
some Orion showgirls.

CLUBGOER: Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

Blast me with more 'mones.

- [INHALING]
- Huh.

Uh, technically,
I said that not all Orions

control men with pheromones.
Some of us definitely do,

- just not me.
- [MALE WHOOPS]

- Nya'al!
- Oh, [BLEEP]!

Get back here!

Nya'al's got some speed for being

a big ol' hunk of ham steak.

He is aesthetically pleasing.

[CRYING]

Mistress, I swear I know nothing.

I'm just a 'monehead.

I spend all day and night
hopped up on the stink.

So what's gonna spill first...
your mouth or your guts?

Uh, I heard that
in a holo-movie.

- FEMALE: D'Vana?
- [PATRONS GASP]

Why are you threatening one
of my most obedient boys?

Relax, have a drink,
get lascivious.

I'm not interested in any
of the sexy nonsense, Ingreeta.

I'm here for D'Erika's ex.

Pity...

The D'Vana I know would never turn down

- a cage shower.
- [SHORT CHUCKLE] She's kidding.

Tell them you're kidding.

It never mattered that
she didn't have the pheromones.

- She didn't need it.
- [INHALING]

Men would simply
fall at her feet, stricken.

You stricked people?

Are all pheromonal Orions
naturally manipulative

or is it specific to this woman?

How dare you judge me, Vulcan?

[GRUNTS]
[BLEEP]!

Oh, what are the odds?

Are-Are you seeing this?

You can't come into
my scentuary and insult me.

Prepare to face my thrall.

k*ll her.

Tendi, look out for the hunks!

[GRUNTING]

Oh, man,
another pheromone dungeon?

Wh-What did you do to him?

Just a little compound
I mixed up

to counteract the effects
of the pheromone.

Would be a pity if I dispersed
the whole bottle in here.

Don't!
All I have is my stink.

Nya'al, tell her what you know.

I've been a mess
since D'Erika got engaged,

but, all I did was
give myself over to the 'mones.

Sometimes I follow her and
watch wistfully from a distance.

Last time, she was
just wandering around

the ship graveyard.

All right, that makes sense.
You're a good guy, Nya'al.

- You should go home.
- I will.

Stop groveling.

- Lick my foot.
- Yes, ma'am.

[MALE ROARING]

- Dude, your 'stache.
- [YELPS]

[ROARS]

With all due respect, Coqqor,

you have no claim
to this sector.

That nebula is ours to scan.

No. Your vessel will interfere
with our data gathering.

We can power down systems
or share the data...

We don't trust Starfleet data.

- It's too nuanced and thorough.
- I'm sorry,

but analyzing that nebula,
is my mission.

Are you willing to die for it?

If we can't resolve this
the nebula will phase shift

and neither of us
will get to scan it.

Then so it shall be!

[SCOFFS]
Close channel.

This is a
once-in-a-lifetime chance

to scan an oscillating nebula.

There has to be something
we can do to find common ground

without any lingering
resentment.

Uh, Captain?

Uh, there is one thing.

What?

[CHUFFING]

Why am I wearing
this itchy hair hat?

Is this it?

No.
You have to talk to each other.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Thank you, Captain,

for agreeing to do... this.

No, you have to do the accent.

[GROANS]

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]:
I say, uh, uh, uh, uh,

my-my good creature,

uh, the moral arc
of history is a m...

Oh, what the hell am I
supposed to say, Lieutenant?

Homespun aphorisms
about compromise.

[ROARS]

Okay, uh, maybe you try that
in a Southern accent.

[EXCLAIMS]
I am from South Chalnoth.

That was a Southern accent.

[ROARS]

Whoa!

[GRUNTING]

[GLASS BREAKING]

[REGULAR ACCENT]: What
the hell made you two think

- this would work?
- We-we were arguing a lot

and we both dressed
like Mark Twain.

Something about us
talking old-timey

helped us figure out
who should water our bonsai.

What is bonsai?

Oh, oh, watch out.

There's a loose panel
over there.

Curious. You seem familiar
with this location,

yet it appears to be abandoned.

D'Erika and I used to sneak
away here when we were little.

There!

That was one of our favorites.

I loved pretending I was
off-planet, exploring space.

Doing anything other
than pirating.

Guys, I have to come clean
about something.

I wasn't just a regular
Orion teenager.

I was trained to be
a Syndicate assassin.

MARINER: Tendi, yeah, we know, girl.

You can't just say you're joking around

when you kick-flip
a Kn*fe out of the air.

Your upbringing
was quite obvious.

I just hate that you guys
had to see the real me.

Tends, the real you

is the one who geeks out
about science on the Cerritos.

But I'm a prime, you know?
A...

A trained assassin.

It's-it's the most piratey
someone can be.

Incorrect.
You are who you choose to be.

A Starfleet lieutenant
and a loyal friend.

Don't worry, we know
you're a big nerd

and not some hot assassin.

[SIGHS]
That is the nicest thing

anyone's ever said to me.

It's so weird to be here.

This is where I told my sister
that I was joining Starfleet.

More like where you decided
to abandon your family.

TENDI: D'Erika?!

Hey, we did it.
Case closed.

You kidnapped yourself.

Wow, did Starfleet teach you
those amazing detective skills?

Was this just to get me
to show up for the wedding?

I would have just come.

Classic D'Vana...

Always assuming it's about you.

[GRUNTING]

Ha, ha. Nope.
I'm gonna stand way over here.

Fascinating, Orions primarily
resolve disputes through v*olence.

No, no, that is not true.
[WEAK CHUCKLE]

D'Erika, please,
can we just talk about this?

I'll let my blade
do the talking.

[GRUNTS]
Oh, come on!

- D'Erika, don't s*ab my friends.
- [CHUCKLES]

What are you gonna
do about it?

Teach you how to respect
your prime.

[GRUNTS]

Yes, yes.

Beautiful.

We love it, too.
Super hard to raise.

Yeah, he's basically
a son to us.

Every day we have to make sure

he gets just the right
amount of...

[POT SHATTERS]

Now I'm thirsty for mist.

[GLUGGING]

I'm sated.

You may inspect the nebula.

But pray I don't change my mind.

Yes, yes, you are
very intimidating.

- Thank you.
- [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]

- Lil Boney.
- Lil Boney.

[GRUNTING] I don't get it.

Why do this?
Why kidnap yourself?

Because I knew
it was the only way

to get you to come home.

- [GRUNTS]
- You didn't invite me.

Oh, would you have even come?
[GRUNTING]

You haven't been home once
since you left.

Yeah, I've kind of been busy.
Hiyah!

[GRUNTING]

With what...
Scanning?

Why is Starfleet
so obsessed with scanning?

To learn stuff!

- You abandoned me for science.
- [GRUNTING]

Don't.

You were trained from birth

to be the Tip of the Moonlit Blade,

the greatest duty
of the Mistress

of the Winter Constellations.

I didn't ask for that.

Neither did I.

[GRUNTS]

You forced this on me
without asking.

Running to Starfleet
was your choice,

but it meant all your duties
fell on me.

I had to train,
I had to be the Mistress.

I had to drop my whole life
to become the new prime.

You're right.

I should have talked
to you before I left

instead of just assuming
you'd want to take my place.

I'm sorry.

[GRUNTS]

Of course I wanted
to take your place.

But I'm no D'Vana Tendi.

Once I'm married,
people are going to see

that I'm a pale comparison.

Are you kidding me?

The only reason
I felt comfortable leaving

was because I knew you would
be better at it than me.

You just kicked my butt.

You're an amazing prime.

[SIGHS] I guess I did
kick it a little bit.

A lot a bit.

D'Erika, I always loved science.

That was my path.

This is yours.

Yeah, lady, if you're worried
about not being a badass,

I have some good news for you.

I, too, was alarmed
by your combat abilities.

You really think I can do this?

You absolutely belong
on the Crime Throne.

That means a lot. [GASPS]

- What time is it?
- The bridal procession

is scheduled to begin
in under two hours.

We are never going
to make it back in time.

[GRUNTS]
I might not be a pirate,

but I've rerouted my fair share
of EPS conduits.

Who wants to hotwire
a stolen ship?

- I do not.
- Oh, stop, stop, stop.

We're in.

D'ERIKA: See?

Sometimes being an
Orion pirate isn't so bad.

Yeah, it does come in handy.

I know you're turning
in your observations

to the High Council, but,

maybe could you leave
off some of the stabbings?

Curious. My report appears
to have been damaged.

Orion culture will have
to remain undocumented.

But why?

A report without the subject's
consent would be unethical.

- [ALARM BLARING]
- Oh, no!

I think the plasma
manifold just ruptured.

D'ERIKA: We're losing altitude.

The goddess
chooses our fates now!

[GATES OPEN]

Mom, Dad, found her!

Sorry, sorry,
had to steal a ship.

Oh, my special girls.
[SNIFFLES]

Accomplices.

Ah, he looks radiant.

♪ ♪

That's when I got
stabbed in the shoulder

during the daddy-daughter
dagger dance.

This is when we encountered
a priest with an eight-pack.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

And, uh, this is when D'Erika

swung her husband
across the threshold.

Yeah, well, our bonsai
got gobbled up by a Chalnoth.

Yeah, yeah,
a-and the captain forbid us

from playing Mark Twain
on the holodeck.

Are you guys jealous?
Ugh.

It was just a wedding.

Why would we ever want to go
to an awesome pirate wedding

on a planet
nobody ever gets to see?!

Aw, sorry you can't release

some of this anger
with Mr. Clemens.

Shockingly, it's not

the universal problem
solver we thought it was.

Yeah, but we've
got it covered.

Ooh, like, today
we were arguing about whether

to hang an oil painting
of the Enterprise-D

or watercolor of
the Enterprise-D.

Well, you guys just
talked about your feelings

with honesty, right?

Yeah, I guess
we could try that.

[UPPER-CLASS ACCENT]: Shall we
go with an acrylic of the D, Mozart?

[UPPER-CLASS ACCENT]: An exceptional
compromise, Mozart.

Then let us tickle the ivories.

- [BOTH PLAYING]
- [GUFFAWS]

RUTHERFORD [REGULAR ACCENT]:
Dang...

This thing is really hard to play.