14x03 - Fakers And Frauds

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪

MUSIC: 'On A Saturday' by Keith West

♪ Sunny days chase the night

♪ Waiting for the dawn

♪ Now the season is rapidly changing

♪ It's alive and warm...

You know, if this weekend's a success, David

we could be on a winner here.

There's no end of courses we could run from here,

book binding, embroidery.

Lord Ashfordly's certainly keen.

Now, remember, these are artists, sensitive people.

They might need a bit of mollycoddling.

♪ When we meet for a while on a Saturday

♪ Sunny Saturday afternoon

♪ Happiness on a Saturday

♪ Sunny Saturday afternoon ♪

Welcome to Ashfordly Hall.

I'm Vernon Scripps, Meritorious Director of Studies.

LAUGHS

- Douglas Taylor. - Ah!

And this is my wife Celia.

Oh, charmed, I'm sure.

David, bags, if you wouldn't mind.

Come this way.

Oh, no need to exert yourself, young man.

We'll handle all that.

Now, if you'd like to follow David to the east wing,

all your rooms are ready, all with breath-taking views.

Lead on, David.

I hope you're going to keep this lot under control, Scripps.

Oh, you'll have no trouble with us, Charles.

These people are all here to paint the grounds, not to abuse them.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

You know, although it almost pains me to say it,

this just might be one of your better ideas.

Oh, glad you approve.

Good morning. Can I help you at all?

The name's Procter. I have a booking.

Oh, yes, Mr Procter, of course. Welcome to the Aidensfield Arms.

Help you with your bags.

GINA: Oscar. You're meant to be taking it easy.

Gina, I'm perfectly all right. Just stop fussing, will you?

OSCAR: You don't sound from round these parts.

You up here on business, are you?

Bird-watching.

Bird-watching!

Well, you've certainly come to the right place.

There's plenty of birds to be seen round here.

Well, here we are, sir.

Will you be staying long?

Depends if I spot anything interesting.

We were very fortunate to procure his services.

Apparently, he's been commissioned to do a portrait of the queen.

And I'm told, on very good authority,

that he's a very big noise in Rome.

Oh. I've never heard of him.

Now, why doesn't that surprise me?

Lorenzo, we meet at last. Vernon Scripps.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: You all right there, pal?

I thought you said he was Italian.

LORENZO: Scottish Italian.

My parents came over before the w*r, selling the ice-creams, you know?

Ah.

LAUGHS

Well, your students await, maestro.

I'm not too late, am I?

Oh, I'm afraid we're closed.

I was hoping to buy a map.

Oh, go on, then.

Thanks very much.

There you go. Planning on a spot of sightseeing, are we?

Something like that.

Anyway, Pablo said to me,

"Lorrie, my dear pal,

true art comes not from here, but from here."

I've never forgotten that.

And it is my fervent hope that, by the end of this weekend,

you too will understand exactly what he meant.

VERNON: Very true. Very true.

Now, of course, Lorenzo will be on hand throughout

to advise on matters artistic.

Now, I'm sure you're all ravenous after your long journey,

so don't stand on ceremony, get stuck in.

Oh, a cup of tea?

You got anything stronger?

Vincent! Behave.

No, sorry.

Take no notice.

Thank you.

He often gets a little over-excited on such occasions.

Oh.

Wonderful place.

I understand Turner was once a guest here.

Um, I'm sorry, I don't know any of Lord Ashfordly's friends.

Oh, cup of tea?

Ah, thank you.

Sugar?

No, thank you. We don't.

Speak for yourself, Dougie.

I am hoping that Lord Ashfordly

will allow us a glimpse at his own substantial collection,

as an inspiration.

Now, is the spread to your liking?

You know, Gina is a dab hand at all things continental.

Especially the pizza, and the wrigglytony.

LAUGHS

MUSIC: 'Little Bit Of Love' by Free

♪ I believe

♪ If you give

♪ A little bit of love

♪ To those you live with

♪ A little bit of love

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Has got to come your way

♪ Well, in my mind

♪ It's easy

♪ To lose sight of the truth... ♪

PHONE RINGS

- Are you going to answer that? - Coffee break.

I beg your pardon?

All union members are entitled to minutes' coffee break each morning.

Another two minutes. Sorry, Sarge.

For Pete's sake.

Ashfordly police station.

Speaking. When was this?

Right. Don't touch a thing. I'll get someone over right away.

Walker, don't bother taking your jacket off.

I want you down at the garage in Aidensfield.

That was Bernie. A panda car's been stolen.

What?

Ruddy cheek.

This is where they got in.

Did you notice anyone hanging around?

Now that you mention it, there was a chap at locking-up time.

Do you know who?

He's staying at the pub.

No, Mrs Fry, I'm still here.

Look, don't worry. Just take your time.

There's been a burglary at Darrington Drive.

- She's in a bit of a state. - I'll deal with it.

Just a moment.

She thinks she knows who did it, Phil.

Oh?

Now, you're absolutely sure about this?

I see.

She reckons it was one of our lads,

in a panda car.

- Morning, Gina. - Hey, Rob.

Any luck with the stolen car yet?

Oh, early days.

Well, it's a bit close to home for my liking.

I don't suppose you or Oscar saw anything?

No. You might ask him, though. His room's right on the road.

Oh, and you can take this with you while you're at it.

Ta.

CLEARS THROAT

Now, that's what I call service.

We aim to please. I was hoping to ask you a few questions, Mr...

Procter. Is something wrong?

A police car was stolen from the garage opposite last night.

I was wondering whether

you might have seen anything or heard anything.

I'm afraid not, no. I was out bird-watching until late.

It's a hobby of mine.

LAUGHS

Well, where was this?

Just in the woods at the back here.

Right.

You saw nothing when you returned?

Sorry, no.

How long will you be staying in Aidensfield?

I'm here for the weekend.

If you need to speak to me again, you'll find me here.

OK. Well, thanks for your help.

BELLAMY: 'Mrs Fry!'

Are you in there?

Mrs Fry!

MRS FRY: Who is it?

It's the police.

That's what the last fella said.

Here.

You'd best come in.

Thank you.

I kept it in here, have done for years.

And you showed him?

Well, he said he was a policeman.

He looked like one. He had a whistle and everything.

"Checking the residents' security arrangements."

He looked at all the locks.

When he'd finished poking about, he shot off in his car.

Blue light on the top.

Nice clean one, it was.

Was there anything else missing, apart from the pension money?

My Alex watch.

It was an anniversary present.

I feel such an idiot.

Hey, come on.

It's all right.

Look, could you give us a description of him?

Chiaroscuro.

Now, here we have another fine example of portraiture,

a late th-century painting

of my great-great-great-grandfather, Hezekiah.

He looks very wise, your great-great...

great-great-great...

Yes. And a prominent missionary in his day.

What do you reckon it's worth?

Well, to the family, of course,

it's priceless, if only for sentimental reasons.

You see, sadly Hezekiah was eaten by his parishioners.

Moving along, we have here his widow Millicent.

Plain as a pikestaff, but a heart of gold, so I'm told.

Now, if you'd all care to follow me through into the dining room...

I do apologise for my nephew.

I had hoped bringing him along this weekend might educate him somewhat.

A bit of culture,

mingling with like-minded creative types, like yourself.

LAUGHS

I don't know about that.

Modesty is a virtue I greatly admire in a man.

Oh, no, really.

Tell me.

How do you find it working with gouache?

I don't.

I work with Mr Vernon.

Another burglary, Sarge.

A Mr Thornton who lives up on Green Quarter.

He lost his wife last year.

It looks like it could have been the same fella.

Now, here we have a real treasure.

The Tryst.

Two lovers in each other's arms.

Reputedly a self-portrait of the sculptor himself and his model,

with whom, it is believed, he was having an adulterous liaison.

Sadly, it's soon to be sold off at auction.

Such are the sacrifices

one has to make in order to keep a roof over one's head.

Cash flow can be a nightmare.

Go nicely on the patio, Dougie.

Mm.

There's no doubt it's him. It's the same MO.

What was taken?

Jewellery, carriage clock. Small items.

Did you get a description?

Glasses. Brown hair. Local accent.

Hold on. According to Mrs Fry, he had a Liverpool accent.

So, there might be more than one of them.

WALKER: Mr Thornton did remember a shoulder number.

Well, that's something.

One hundred and twenty-three.

Well, that sounds a bit low for the North Riding.

Give recruiting at Headquarters a call,

see if that number's been issued.

What bothers me is why anyone would take the risk

of stealing a police car just to carry out a few minor burglaries.

It's not as if anything that's been stolen is of immense value.

Yet.

You better warn people to be on their guard,

pensioners especially.

I'll pop a notice in the village.

And Walker, try not to start a mass panic, eh?

VENTRESS: Thanks very much.

Well?

Just as I thought. The number's never existed.

WALKER: Could have come from a costume hire shop.

Or the theatre in Whitby.

What are you waiting for?

Ah, Mr Procter.

Have you spotted anything interesting?

Owls.

Oh, really?

Tawny owls.

Ah, the Nyctea scandiaca.

Quite.

DAVID: Will this end do you?

See you later.

David, what on earth's the matter?

It's that woman, Mrs Glenister.

She keeps looking at me.

I think she wants to...

What?

Well, she keeps winking.

Well, she's probably just got something in her eye.

No.

Well, look, just think of it as a public relations exercise.

A what?

It's not unusual for this sort of people

to leave a very substantial tip at the end of the weekend,

if they feel they've been looked after properly.

Eh?

Ah, Lorenzo. Here, let me give you a hand with that.

We don't want you spraining anything, do we?

LAUGHS - What...

MAN: All right, everybody. Gather round.

We'll continue the rehearsal.

I want to start at the beginning of Act Two, Truscott's entrance.

Have we got the uniform yet?

Well, let's have it, please. Come on. We're opening tonight.

Right, let's start on lighting cue . Are we ready in the wings?

It must be here somewhere. I hung it up myself.

KNOCK AT DOOR

- Who are you? - PC Bellamy.

Oh, just in time. Get your clothes off, darling.

As quick as you can. He'll just have to wear yours.

Oh, don't be shy. I've seen it all before.

- Ashfordly Police Station. - Which scene's that?

No, you don't understand.

The director's already been going up the wall

and he's due on any minute.

Ashfordly. That's where I'm from.

- Oh. - WOMAN: 'Mr Meadows! You are on!'

You'll have to go on in your underpants, love.

Don't worry. No one will notice.

The whole thing's a complete farce.

I take it you're missing a uniform?

This was its hanger. Just been pressed, as well.

Is there anything else missing?

Well, now you come to mention it, we are a couple of wigs short.

Plus Truscott's side burns, of course.

Hey, if you played your cards right,

you could've had your name in lights.

I've always fancied being famous, me.

What and have every move splashed across the papers? No, thank you.

"Bellamy drinks pint, then has scrambled egg for tea."

LAUGHS

Can't see it making headlines.

Yeah, very funny.

No, the trouble is, anybody could've walked into that theatre.

Well, I hope you find him soon. I don't want it to affect my business.

Oh, the barrel needs changing.

Should you really be doing that, Oscar?

Jenny, I'm fine. I wish people would stop fussing.

Oh, it's a waste of time talking to him, Jen.

Oscar knows best.

She has got a point though, Oscar.

Oh, don't you start.

Yes, well, of course, this is hopefully the first

of many such courses that we'll be running.

A couple of bottles of your finest chianti, please, Gina.

I hope you approve.

Of course.

And I'll have a wee dram for afters.

And a whisky, please.

Of course, my ultimate ambition

is to turn Aidensfield into the cultural centre of the North,

by converting the mills and barns

into galleries and studios, creating a hotbed of talent.

I'd also like to have a chat sometime

about another idea of mine,

to put a huge statue on the moors.

Something modern and uplifting, like an angel or a bird.

A giant pigeon.

Where's David gone?

MRS GLENISTER: Not hiding, are you?

Just wanted to pick your brains.

What about?

Frottage.

Is that another one of your friends?

The trouble is, I don't know where to stop.

I mean, one can go on rubbing away till the cows come home.

Don't you find?

Still no leads, then?

Well, not to speak of.

Descriptions vary so much,

it could be anyone from Bobby Charlton to the Pope.

Could be someone in here for all we know.

Hey. Psst. I've got my own theory.

Oh, aye?

You see him over there.

WALKER: What? The bird-watcher?

OSCAR: That's what he claims to be.

He doesn't know the difference between a flamingo and a woodpecker,

if you ask me. He certainly doesn't know Latin,

which is one of the few things I remember from school.

I had a word with him the other day, he seemed genuine.

Just ask him where he was last night.

MRS GLENISTER: I completely disagree with you.

Look, you'll just have to trust me on this.

- Good evening. - Evening.

Maybe the constable has an opinion.

Yeah? On what?

The greatest artist of all time.

She says Rembrandt. I say Caravaggio.

I really wouldn't know.

Well, surely the Sistine Chapel must be considered

one of the wonders of the world,

along with Papa's vanilla tubs, of course.

- Vincent. Where are you off to? - Get some air, if that's all right?

- What's going on? - We're chatting.

Oh, yeah?

Get off!

- Just break it up. - Oscar, what are you doing?

Calm down, you're in a public place, you two.

- Are you trying to k*ll yourself? - Gina, I'm fine.

There's nothing wrong with me. - We were only talking.

I know your sort. Go on, hop it, before I belt you one.

All right. That's enough.

If there's a problem,

I'm sure it can be sorted out in a civilised fashion.

Thanks, Rob.

MR PROCTER: Don't worry.

I'm going.

Before you do go, Mr Procter, I'd like to ask you a question.

MUSIC: 'Walk In My Shadow' by Free

♪ Yeah, my throat is dry

♪ My knees are weak

♪ It's so damned hot

♪ I can't even speak

♪ Walk in my shadow

♪ I can't take it anymore

♪ When I get you in the shadows

♪ I'm gonna show you what it's for

♪ Yes, I know, baby

♪ That's a shady kind of deal

♪ I just wanna find out...

♪ I ain't gonna take it anymore

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ When I get you in the shadows

♪ I'm gonna give you what's in store ♪

Whoever was responsible used enough expl*sives

to blow up the Houses of Parliament.

Well, if it is the same man, he's certainly getting brave.

Look. He left his tool bag.

You get it off to CID to dust for fingerprints,

I'll go to the hospital, see what we can get out of Mr Hinton.

I heard what happened. I thought I'd drop in as I was on my rounds.

How is he?

Stable. I understand it could've been a lot worse, though.

The door took most of the blast.

I'm sure Mr Hinton will tell you this himself when he wakes up,

but he mentioned a policeman earlier.

Dropped by at the shop.

Checking security arrangements, no doubt.

Your bogus officer?

Sounds like it.

MERTON: 'He what?'

- He showed him the safe. - Will people never learn?

Did he not see the notices posted all over the place?

Mr Hinton did say the officer looked particularly credible.

If Hinton had walked into that shop a few seconds earlier,

we'd be dealing with a fatality.

That was Division. They're sending over another car.

Good. Tell them I need more men as well.

Bellamy, Walker, I want you out knocking on every door in the area.

Somebody must have seen something.

I'm sure she'll be here in a minute.

- What's she like, then, this lass? - She's a professional life model.

- She going to be starkers, then? - Vincent!

VERNON: That is the general idea.

Yes.

Artists throughout the centuries

have been inspired by the female form.

Where's David?

He seemed pleasant enough when he asked for the map.

I saw him again last night, creeping in late.

Maybe you should talk to Merton.

I will, if young Walker won't listen.

There's something very odd about that bloke, I'm telling you.

I'll tell you something odd. Sugar. Now, that's odd.

- Sugar? - Yeah.

I bet you know how many lumps Mrs Ventress has in a cup of tea.

Yes, three. She's on a diet at the moment.

Exactly. You're married.

Well, I hope so. I paid the vicar.

What are you going on about?

Well, there's this couple on the painting course that I'm doing,

the Taylors. Now, they're supposed to be married,

but they don't know tiddly pop about each other.

Now, that's what I call odd.

- Tiddly pop? - I see.

Do you? Well, I'm glad somebody does.

Oh, there you are, David.

We've got a problem.

That makes a change.

The life model is stuck on a train somewhere outside of Ugglesby.

They're all waiting, pencils poised.

What are you looking at me for?

No!

MUSIC: 'In the Country' by Cliff Richard and The Shadows

♪ Bah! Ba-ba-ba-Bah!

♪ Ba-ba-ba-Bah! Ba-ba-ba-Bah!

♪ When the world in which you live in

♪ Gets a bit too much to bear

♪ And you need someone to lean on

♪ When you look, there's no one there

♪ You're gonna find me

♪ Out in the country

♪ Yeah, you're gonna find me

♪ Way out in the country... ♪

Not exactly Adonis,

but I am extremely grateful to David

for stepping into the breach

and baring all, well, almost all.

You'll have to imagine the rest.

Fifty-fifty.

You have my word.

Shall we say two hours?

Keep as still as you can, David.

OSCAR: Is he in?

He's due back any minute now, but he's not in a good mood.

What can we do for you, Oscar?

Well, it's more a case, I think, of what I can do for you.

Oh!

I think we'd better call it a day. Don't you, Lorenzo?

Here, let me.

Oh, thank you.

Oh... Oh!

Mother always had very poor circulation.

Any better?

Mm-hm. Yeah.

I hope you won't find me too forward,

but I wonder if you'd like to join me for a spot of dinner.

Shall we say tonight? Nine o'clock?

Oh! Mm-hm. Fine.

Nyctea scandiaca.

Mm-hm, as opposed to Strix aluco.

That's the tawny owl.

I'm afraid I don't follow.

Well, he clearly doesn't know his species.

Neither do I. It doesn't make me a thief.

Well, call it an old-fashioned hunch.

I may be retired, but I still get them, occasionally.

Well, maybe you should leave this one to us.

Jenny tells me you've been overdoing things lately.

Oh, don't you start. I can't lift a finger round here these days

without somebody butting in.

Maybe it's because we care.

Don't you worry. I'm as fit as a butcher's dog.

Walker, this chap staying at the Aidensfield Arms.

- I've spoken to him already, Sarge. - When?

- WALKER: Twice. - Why didn't you tell me?

There's nothing to tell. He's up here on holiday,

plus he's got an alibi for the second break-in.

Oh, has he?

WALKER: He was in Whitby last night.

Oscar seems to think there's more to this fella than meets the eye,

and for once, I'm inclined to agree.

Maybe Bellamy should interview him again, properly.

And in future, I'd like to be kept informed of your investigations.

You'd best carry on looking for that car.

MUSIC: 'Surprise Surprise' by 'Lulu & The Luvvers

♪ You've been telling lies and lies

♪ I can tell it in your eyes

♪ You walked out last night

♪ You've been telling lies

♪ That I had wrapped it up with you

♪ But surprise, surprise

♪ Surprise, surprise

♪ I never wanted you that bad

♪ Cause I knew you was telling lies

♪ Knew you was telling lies

♪ I could see it in your eyes

♪ Why did you have to go

♪ And, fool, after we had got along so fine?

♪ But surprise, surprise

♪ Surprise, surprise

♪ Ain't nothing strange for me

♪ Cause I knew you was telling lies

♪ Knew you was telling lies

♪ I could see it in your eyes... ♪

Delta Alpha three-six to control.

I've spotted the suspect climbing a fence onto the Ashfordly Estate.

I think he's heading up towards the house.

Control to Delta Alpha three-six

follow him. Try and find out what he's up to. Out.

PHONE RINGS

Ashfordly Police Station.

Oh. Er, just a moment.

Sarge...

It's Division for you.

I'll take that in my office.

Apparently, the fingerprints on that bag match those of a known criminal,

Kenneth Stonely, wanted for a string of thefts all over the country.

Division are sending over a Photofit.

Well, it should be much easier to find him now then.

I wouldn't be too sure.

According to Shiner, this Stonely is a master of disguise,

which accounts for the different descriptions.

Well, how come, if he's such a genius,

he managed to blow up nearly half of Aidensfield

cos he couldn't get a safe door off?

BELLAMY: 'Delta Alpha three-six, to control. Over.'

Go ahead, Phil.

'I've lost Procter.'

'He was watching an auctioneer's van outside the hall

and just disappeared. Over.'

Get hold of Walker.

Send him over there. We can't let this one slip through the net.

VENTRESS: 'Control to Delta Alpha two-four.'

'Report your position. Over.'

'Control to Delta Alpha two-four. Report your position. Over.'

I'm at the Gillthwaite Mill on the Ashfordly Estate.

I think I may have found where they've been keeping the car.

CRACKLING Sarge...

'I've found some number plates.'

- He must be in a dip. - 'Can you hear me? Sarge?'

Walker, repeat. Over.

'It looks like they were planning something.'

Planning what? Over.

'Over at Ashfordly Hall.'

INTERFERENCE These damn radios.

'Yeah, that's where the statues were being...'

A statue? What statue?

INTERFERENCE

Are you receiving? Over?

INTERFERENCE

Sarge, I'm sure I read something in the paper

about Lord Ashfordly selling some artwork.

The auctioneer's lorry. That must be what they're after.

- Walker? - 'Sarge?'

Get down to the hall as fast as you can.

Whatever happens we must stop the auctioneer's lorry.

MUSIC: 'Move It' by Cliff Richard

♪ Come on, pretty baby, let's move it and groove it

♪ A shake-a baby, shake, honey, please don't lose it...

Sarge wants road blocks on all routes.

Which route do you think they'd take?

The most direct. Across the moor via Potter's Scar.

Right. Yeah, that's what I thought.

♪ They say, it's gonna die

♪ But, honey, please let's face it

♪ They just don't know what's going to replace it

♪ Ballads and calypsos

♪ They've got nothing on real country music

♪ That just drives along

♪ Move it...

SIREN

♪ Come on, pretty baby

♪ Let's move it and groove it...

I'm sorry. I've got to stop you.

♪ A shake-a baby, shake-a baby

♪ Please don't lose it

♪ It's rhythm that gets into your heart and soul

♪ Let me tell you, baby, it's called Rock 'n Roll

♪ Move it

♪ Move it ♪

Delta Alpha two-four, requesting ambulance immediately.

I've found the panda car halfway down Hallows Lane.

No sign of the lorry.

Fellas, can you hear me?

All cars now in place. Over.

MERTON: 'Good.'

'No one is to be let through without being searched.'

'Repeat, no one.'

BELLAMY: 'No sign of them, Sarge. Over.'

They can't just have vanished.

Maybe they weren't planning on leaving the area at all.

But where else could they have gone?

Control to all units. Spread out and search the woods.

MAN: Come on.

Here. Ooh.

LAUGHTER

WOMAN LAUGHS

Ooh.

TWIG SNAPS

Police! Stop!

BLOWS WHISTLE

♪ Catch us if you can

♪ Try to get a move on

♪ We will yell with all of our might

♪ Catch us if you can

♪ Catch us if you can...

I'm arresting you on suspicion of robbery.

I haven't stolen anything! I'm a private detective!

What are you doing out here then? Don't tell me, bird-watching?

Aye, following them two lovebirds, Mr Taylor and his secretary!

Phone his wife if you don't believe me.

She hired me.

Over here!

VENTRESS: 'Control to all units.'

Proctor's a creep, but I reckon he's telling the truth.

Well, he can cool his heels in the cells

while you check his story with Mr Taylor's wife.

And Walker, take your time.

Doctor.

I've just had word from the hospital.

How are the two men?

They've regained consciousness.

The driver was able to give a very good description of the thieves.

- Good. - One of whom was a woman.

We've had the Photofit pictures through

of Stonely and his accomplices.

We know they were responsible

for robbing a security van in Harrogate a fortnight ago.

Ring any bells?

Who was it that painted the Sistine Chapel ceiling?

Michelangelo, wasn't it?

- That was what I thought. - Care to enlighten us, PC Walker?

MUSIC: 'Putting on the Style' by Lonnie Donegan

ALFRED WHIMPERS

♪ Driving like he's mad

♪ With a pair of yellow gloves

♪ He's borrowed from his dad

♪ He makes it roar so lively

♪ Just to see his girlfriend smile

♪ But she knows he's only putting on the style

♪ She's putting on the agony

♪ Putting on the style

♪ That's what all the young folks are doing all the while

♪ And as I look around me

♪ I'm sometimes apt to smile...

My lecture today won't last much longer than a couple of hours.

I've cut it right down.

♪ Preacher in the pulpit

♪ Roars with all his might

♪ Sing Glory Hallelujah

♪ Puts the folks all in a fright

♪ Now you might think it's Satan

♪ That's coming down the aisle ♪

The art of collecting,

to my mind at least,

requires as much skill, if not more,

as is involved in the creation of the works themselves.

Discerning fakes and forgeries

from the genuine article

is something one can only learn

after many years of experience,

and believe you me, there are many fraudulent dealers out there,

as I'm sure Lorenzo will verify.

Now...

Police! Everybody stay where you are!

♪ Catch a train to my place

- ♪ Call me when you get into town - I've got him!

♪ I'm gonna meet you at the station

♪ Oh, yeah!

♪ You can tell me why you're feeling down...

- Ah! - Kenneth Stonely, I presume?

I told you.

You wouldn't listen. You had to go off on your own.

- If we'd have stuck to the plan... - Oh, shut it, you idiots!

WALKER: I hope you're good at painting from memory.

You won't be seeing the English countryside for a while.

♪ Most of the time

♪ He don't even know what he's doing

♪ Baby

♪ The midnight train's all right ♪

What was that you were saying in there about frauds?

GINA: 'So, he wasn't from the Royal Academy after all?'

The only painting he'd ever done

was sloshing a load of emulsion about on walls.

We were used.

Well, apparently he got wind of the course through a mate in Whitby.

And to think I personally showed them round my collection.

I'm only grateful they didn't get away with it.

That statue's priceless.

You want to look at people's references

more carefully in future, Vernon, eh?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, Sergeant.

You're looking very smart, David. It's not your birthday, is it?

No, I'm meant to be meeting somebody here for dinner.

Who's the lucky girl, then?

Oh! I wish I was at home with Alfred!

Well, I wouldn't worry,

because your admirer and her supposed nephew

have just been carted off in a Black Maria,

along with the maestro himself.

Really?

Here.

Fifty-fifty, as agreed.

- What's that? - Half the proceeds.

There was nothing I could do.

The painting group insisted on having their money back,

apart from a few meagre shillings.

LAUGHTER

What's going on through there, then, Oscar?

Private-eye convention?

- No, just swapping notes. - You were wrong about that hunch.

- We all make mistakes. - LORD ASHFORDLY: Too true.

I'm glad you're here, Lord Ashfordly.

Oh. Any news about the statue?

Well, the insurance company called the station earlier.

They sent a chap round to check the statue for damage.

Oh, very prompt of them. Excellent. So, the auction can still go ahead?

Er, no. I'm afraid not. The chap reckons the statue's a fake.

Whisky, please, Gina.

Make it a large one.