15x17 - Get Back

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪

MUSIC: 'A Salty Dog' by Procol Harum

♪ All hands on deck

♪ We've run afloat... ♪

You all right there?

Yeah, I'm OK, thanks.

Which way are you heading?

Highgarth Farm.

That's miles from here.

Tell you what, we're going that way. Why don't you hop in?

- Sorry, no offence. - No, you're all right.

Parrots, pieces of eight. I've heard it all.

What's your name?

Stainsby. Malcolm Stainsby.

Walk from t'bus wasn't so far when I had two good legs.

- You from round here then, are you? - Was.

Haven't been back since t'w*r.

Not again!

It's time you had something a bit more reliable than a pushbike.

I'm putting you down for a driving course.

When?

HQ run them every six months.

You have a licence, I assume.

Yes. - Just as well.

You're no use to me stuck indoors, playing with your inner tube.

As soon as you're on four wheels instead of two, the better.

AIR HISSES

There you go.

Shouldn't think it's changed much.

No, it hasn't.

I thought I'd recognise it.

Hello. What is it?

Nothing to worry about. We were just giving Malcolm a lift.

Malcolm?

Hello, love.

I'm back. I'm sorry.

Are you all right? You do know Malcolm?

Malcolm's my husband.

He's dead.

Who's this, then?

It's me, Diane, love.

I'm home.

There's the death certificate. It's there in black and white.

Well, then, it's wrong. I'm here, aren't I?

I know I've changed, but you must recognise me.

It says clearly Malcolm Stainsby died in London in July .

Aye, well, I nearly died.

It's complicated. As far as I can make out,

I'd gone t'pictures in London and t'cinema was hit by a Doodlebug,

a flying b*mb.

When they dug me out, I had no papers, nothing.

No idea who I was, neither.

What have you been doing since then?

I was in hospital, but I had no memory.

I didn't even know my own name.

And since then, I've knocked around,

but my memory's still not good. It's been hard.

And it's taken you all this time, to find out who you are?

I met a bloke who thought he recognised me.

He said I was Malcolm Stainsby.

So, I had to find out.

You're saying that you're not certain, though.

I wasn't. But soon as I got here, I was.

Diane, you're not so sure.

How can I be, after all this time?

He looks like Malcolm.

I just don't know.

I've got this.

You. Your face.

It's the only bit of my past I've got. It's what kept me going.

Hoping I'd find you again.

You have now.

Like I said, I'm home.

It's not that easy.

I'm married. I married again.

To Ernie Bell. You remember Ernie.

He was working on the farm when you were away at the w*r.

What are we going to do?

You don't mind us leaving you on your own with him?

I'm a bit concerned you don't know who he is for certain.

He could be Malcolm. They never found his body.

There was always a chance. I always thought there was a chance.

And what if it isn't Malcolm?

I supposed I'll find out.

And if he is, we've got a lot of catching up to do.

Well, give us a call if you need to. Good luck.

ENGINE STARTS

Hey! What's he up to?

How would I know?

Well, he's on your land, go and ask him.

Hello!

- What are you doing? - He's getting away.

Go and stop him.

Go on.

Stop or I'll set my dog on you.

- Hold on. - Sorry, man. Did you mean me?

You dropped your bag.

Mushrooms?

You're nicking our mushrooms?

I know my rights. I can pick all the wild mushrooms I want.

I'm legally entitled.

Yeah, if you say so. Ask the fuzz.

Wild mushrooms is a free-for-all.

I just don't know what you want with the horrible looking things.

Doing you a favour, getting rid of them.

I'm sure that's very nice of you. But why?

Well, you don't want them

and I know some geezers in London who'll pay good money for 'em.

- What will they want with them? - Feed their heads.

It's brain food. Fungi can make you a fun guy!

Rather them than me.

- Nowt so q*eer as folk. - You what?

Younger.

Someone's dropped out of the driving course.

I've managed to wangle you a place.

- Excellent. - It's in three weeks' time.

I'll let you have the details when they come through.

Cheer up, Geoff, it might never happen.

It already has.

Sergeant Miller's booked me on a driving course.

What's the problem? I had to wait years to get on one.

My licence. It's only provisional.

You can't put L-plates on a Panda.

You booked your test yet?

I was going to...

Look, Alf's got a mate at the test centre.

Maybe he could bump you up the queue a bit.

- Alf's on a fishing trip. - Only for a couple of days.

-How long have you got? - Three weeks.

Three weeks? Why don't you just tell Sergeant Miller the truth, eh?

I'll wait and have a word with Alf.

Legally entitled?

I'm legally entitled to take apples from the greengrocer.

It doesn't mean I don't have to pay for them.

Well, they're horrible, red spotty things. No-one's going to want them.

Well, he did and you gave them to him for free!

Sometimes I despair of you, David.

Your problem is, you've got a big heart

and the business acumen of a turnip.

Where do you think you're going?

Feel a bit peckish.

Never mind that. If there's mushrooms, we're gonna get them.

Why?

We're gonna find our own daft folk to sell them to.

You interested, Geoff?

- I might be. - I'm selling it for my brother.

I checked it over, it's in good nick.

Yeah, it looks very nice.

Why don't you take it for a test drive?

- The keys are inside. - Well... Well, you best come too.

I trust you. You're hardly likely to run off with it, are you?

No. No, but seeing as it's your brother's,

I think it's best that you come.

OK, if you like. I'll just tell Bernie.

ENGINE STARTS

HORN

Recognise this?

It was a wedding present, wasn't it?

You do remember some things.

It's a muddle. It's like being lost in a mist.

About Ernie, I didn't have any choice.

I couldn't run the farm on my own.

And I've no family, nowhere else to go.

You couldn't have known.

If you want me to go, if it would be easier, just say.

Where would you go?

Back to no fixed abode. You get used to it.

GATE CREAKS That's Ernie.

- Do you want me to talk to him? - No, wait.

- What's up? - It's Malcolm.

- No. - Sorry about this.

Malcolm's dead!

No, he's stood in front of you, look.

Get out!

Ernie, it's Malcolm, can't you see?

Get him out of here!

Geoff! Stop messing about!

I'm gonna be sick in a second. Just stop. Pull over.

I'm not used to that gearstick.

You're not used to driving! How did you pass your test?

- I didn't. - What are you playing at, Geoff?

I thought if I bought the car, I could practise somewhere off-road

and improve a bit. - You need driving lessons.

Hey.

Hey, if I buy the car, will you teach me how to drive it?

SIGHS

I'm not qualified, or anything.

- But if you need the practice. - Thanks ever so much.

- I'll make it up to you. - Hang on, hang on!

You're not going anywhere, until you put L-plates on.

It's against the law. Get in.

BANGING

BANGING

Hold on.

Come in. I think I might know what this is about.

I reckon you do. You brought him to my house.

I can see it's complicated.

What's complicated about it? He's a crook.

He's trying to con me out of the farm.

HEAVY COUGHING

Come on, sit down.

Come on, sit yourself down. I'll get you a glass of water.

No!

HEAVY COUGHING

You're as bad as the doctor.

COUGHING

I want him dealt with. And if you don't do something about it, I will.

Hey, you know what the punishment is for bigamy?

Go on.

Two mother-in-laws.

Did you not have anything to do?

Did you speak with the solicitor?

Yes. Diane's not a bigamist.

She had her first husband's death certificate,

so her second marriage was valid. He said no offence had been committed.

We've still got Ernie Bell making threats.

I told him not to do anything stupid.

I think it's something you should let them sort out themselves.

Can this man actually prove that he's Malcolm Stainsby?

Not sure, but Diane seems to believe him.

That farm must be worth quite a bit.

And our friend turns up, out of the blue,

claims it belongs to him. Could be a con job.

How do I find out whether Stainsby really is who he says he is?

Bit of old-fashioned leg work.

- Mr Bell. - What?

I'd like a word with Malcolm Stainsby.

It's not Malcolm, I've told you!

How can you be so certain of that?

I knew Malcolm.

I grew up with him.

Well, that must have been before the w*r.

There must be something that makes you so certain.

It's not him. And I've told him to get off the farm, or else.

What about Diane?

She don't want him here any more than I do.

Just won't say it to his face.

We'll try and sort this out.

Did Ernie call you?

He came to see me earlier.

He says Malcolm is an impostor.

He's got no way of knowing that.

He's hardly even spoken to him.

- Is he here? - He's asleep.

He was worn out.

And it's best he keeps out of Ernie's way, for the moment.

Maybe Malcolm should move out, until you've established

that he really is who he says he is.

But I can't put him out, if he is Malcolm.

But don't you think he needs to prove that first?

He looks like Malcolm. The colour of his eyes, everything.

He sounds like him, he even talks like him.

And even though he doesn't remember much,

there are things he knows...'bout us.

- None of that is hard evidence. - He's got my photo.

And there's how I feel.

I know that's nothing that would stand up in court,

but I know Malcolm.

I spoke to a solicitor earlier.

Ernie is legally your husband now.

In effect, your first marriage was dissolved.

But when you love someone...

I've never stopped loving him.

Where does that leave Ernie?

Where does that leave any of us?

I don't know.

ASHFORDLY: Who's there? You're on my land!

Deefer, run for it.

Deefer!

Bad doggy. Going to get me into trouble, you are.

And why's that?

You know, just running off into your private woods

and making me follow her.

That's the only reason you're here, is it?

Yeah. Well, I mean no.

There are the, er... mushrooms.

- Mushrooms? - Yeah.

Everyone in London eats them!

I'll see you back next week.

- Hello. - Hey.

- Is this business or pleasure? - Work, I'm afraid.

I wanted some advice.

A man called Malcolm Stainsby's turned up at Highgarth Farm.

He says that he was badly injured during the w*r

and he's completely lost his memory. Is there any way of proving that?

I'd really need to examine him.

Yeah, but in theory, could he have completely forgotten everything

from the first -or-so years of his life?

There is a condition called traumatic retrograde amnesia.

It happens more in books and films than in real life.

By the looks of him, he's certainly had some head injuries at some time.

If he sustained brain damage, then he could have amnesia.

- Does that answer your question? - Well, yes and no.

I don't suppose you've got his old medical records.

He's local, so he would have been a patient.

How long ago?

Before . But it's more complicated than that.

He was believed to have been dead.

They'll have gone to the Family Practitioner Committee.

Chances are, they'll have been destroyed by now.

Why are you involved? Has he committed a crime?

Everyone thought he was dead and his wife's remarried.

You said Highgarth Farm. Is it Diane Bell you're talking about?

Yeah, that's right. I'm trying to establish

whether this man, Stainsby, is genuine or not.

But it's one hell of a problem for them if he is.

You are keeping an eye on them, aren't you?

Ernie's got a heart condition, it's very...

A shock like this could k*ll him.

Well, that could solve the problem at a stroke, so to speak.

Sorry.

I'd be worried about Diane too.

I can't be sure, but I suspect

Ernie's been violent towards her in the past.

- She told you that? - No, but I've seen the signs.

Unexplained bruises, the odd black eye.

- Why didn't you tell me? - There was no point.

She wouldn't press charges. She relies on him, totally.

So you don't remember Stainsby?

No, he was younger than me.

- Is Oscar around? - No, he's on a golfing tournament.

Before his time and all.

Tell you who I do remember, though. Diane.

She was a right stunner, she was. Could've had her pick.

How come she ended up with Ernie Bell, then?

I suppose he was working on the farm

and she couldn't manage it without him.

It was an odd time, the end of the w*r.

People's lives were turned upside down.

They really were beauty and the beast.

That's a bit unfair, isn't it, Bernie?

It's true, though.

He was always a bit in Malcolm's shadow, was Ernie.

Have you talked to Clifford Chapel, Clifford, over there?

- He will have known Malcolm. - Thanks, I'll have a word.

If you're not back in two hours, we'll send a search party.

He's a bit lonely, the poor soul. And he's very boring.

I hear you knew Malcolm Stainsby.

That's a name from the past. Why are you asking?

His name's come up in the course of an enquiry.

- You did know him, though. - I most certainly did.

As a matter of fact, I was the best man at his wedding.

Joined up for the Navy on the same day as him as well.

I could tell you some stories about Malcolm.

And do you know about the circumstances of his death?

I was there when it happened. One of the first on the scene.

Worst night of my life.

I know this sounds like an odd question,

but did you actually see Malcolm's body?

There was nothing to see.

There were or people in that cinema.

After the b*mb dropped, it was a pile of rubble

and a hole in the ground.

- Could he have survived? - I don't see how.

And they found his papers, didn't they?

So there's no doubt in your mind that he died that night?

Well, I've not seen him since, if that's what you're asking.

When something like that happens, there's so much confusion.

I suppose mistakes do get made.

One thing I learned in the Navy, no-one knows anything.

But why this sudden interest in Malcolm?

If you wouldn't mind coming with me, I'll explain.

Lunchtime tomorrow, then?

I don't know if my nerves are up to it.

That sheep wasn't hurt, you know. It was just a bit winded.

You shouldn't have been in reverse in the first place.

- OK, lunchtime tomorrow. - Great.

You're a bit of a dark horse.

What's going on with you and Rosie, then?

Nothing.

I heard you making a date with her.

- Yeah, yeah, I was. Yeah. - So you're going out?

Yeah, yeah, we're just going out. Nothing else.

Oh, I think that's lovely.

I don't believe it!

- Do you remember me? No. I'm sorry.

- I know the face. - I'm Clifford.

- And I know you? - We were best pals.

Ever since Ashfordly Elementary School.

Ernie was there too.

Was there a Mrs Skinner?

She was our teacher. Very handy with a cane, she was.

"This will hurt me more than it will hurt you."

That's her!

This has got to be Malcolm. Have you got a bottle of something, Diane?

We should be celebrating!

You're sure about this?

I'd know him anywhere.

Who'd have believed it?

Ernie, love.

I told you I wanted him out!

Hang on, this is Malcolm. It's his house. He was born here.

He's no more Malcolm than I am!

Now, you, listen, you. This is my house, my land, my wife.

And you're not getting your mucky hands on any of 'em.

Do you hear me?

You've had your fun. Now you can get on your way, all of you!

HACKING COUGH Ernie.

- I'm all right. - I'll call Doctor Trent.

COUGHING

I don't want no doctor.

Someone should check you over. He's not up to this right now.

HACKING COUGHS Why don't you come back to my place?

I've got a spare room, if Ernie's not feeling too clever.

That's a good idea.

LIGHTER COUGHING

I don't want to cause any more trouble than I have already.

I'll see you soon, love.

- What are you doing? - I'll see you soon.

But I have to talk to Ernie first.

Helen, it's Rob.

Could you come up to Highgarth Farm? I'm worried about Ernie.

DIANE: I didn't want any of this to happen, but it has.

- How long? - You don't know what you're doing.

No. I don't.

It's all going round in my head and I can't make any sense of it.

OK. Bye.

-DIANE: You have to give me time. - He's not having you.

Why not? All I am is your skivvy.

You could pay someone to cook and do the washing. It's all you need.

- That'll do! - No! It won't do!

I don't want this life any more.

Go on, say something.

Tell me why I should put up with any of this for a minute longer.

- He's nothing but a liar. - He's still a better bet than you.

Don't you ever talk to me like that!

COUGHING Ernie, please.

This isn't doing you any good. Go and sit down.

The doctor's on her way.

Tell her not to bother. She's wasting her time!

Let him go.

He'll calm down.

It'll give me time to make my mind up.

I have to decide, don't I?

PHONE RINGS

- Ashfordly Police. - 'It's Clifford Chappell.'

I've just got up, and Malcolm's disappeared.

Oh, well, maybe he's gone back to see Diane?

I've tried there and she hasn't seen him.

I'm worried something might have happened to him.

I found that stick he uses. It was lying in the lane outside.

'Right, well, I'll see what I can do. Thanks for letting me know.'

- Trouble? - Probably. Malcolm's disappeared.

Mind you, I might have done the same if I was in his shoes.

Better go.

Hey, morning Romeo. Good lad.

If you like 'em, there's plenty more where they came from.

What do I do with them? Well, mushroom soup...

mushrooms on toast,

fried mushrooms... wh-whatever you like.

No, I don't fancy them at all.

Oh, try a few.

They're the in thing in London.

A rare and much sought-after mushroom delicacy.

They look more like toadstools to me.

- Have you ate any? - Not as yet.

Well, I wouldn't. I'm pretty sure they're poisonous.

- You must be joking! - No. No, I'm not.

I've seen them in a book. I can't take the risk, Peg.

Thanks, anyway.

I've got £, as a deposit for the car.

Oh, great. Give us a hand down.

Oh, 'ey up, sorry to interrupt.

Love's young dream. I do understand.

What are you on about?

Oh, Gina told me, and I'm very happy for both of you.

I won't intrude.

What's going on?

I might have given Gina the impression that we're going out.

If you've told Gina, the whole village will know by now.

At least they don't think it's driving lessons.

- Oh, that's OK, isn't it(!) Exactly.

I've taken a day's leave so we can make it a long lesson today.

Hang on, Geoff. This is getting silly.

I've got to do some work.

Oh. Well, all right.

I'll wait till lunchtime, then.

- Time to swot up on my Highway Code. - You do that.

I suppose you'll be seeing a lot more of him from now on, eh?

Malcolm hasn't been in touch at all?

No, I haven't heard a word. Do you think he's all right?

Well, we won't know until we've found him.

Can you think of anywhere he might have gone?

I've no idea. But I couldn't bear not seeing him again.

I hardly slept last night, thinking about him.

What about Ernie, where's he?

He was up early. I haven't seen him.

Can you tell him we need to talk to him?

You think he's got something to do with Malcolm going missing.

- Is that what you're saying? - We need to speak to him.

Hey, how are you feeling?

I'm fine. Why?

You haven't eaten any of these mushrooms, have you?

I'm not that stupid!

Why do you ask?

Oh, Gina thinks they might be just a little bit poisonous.

- Oh, heck! - What?

Well, I haven't eaten any, but I did sell some.

It's your fault, always going on about how I've no business sense.

Who did you sell them to?

- Lord Ashfordly. - Oh, come with me!

No, I can't, I'm working.

You can forget about working forever if you've poisoned a lord!

They put you in the Tower for that. Come on.

I've driven all round. Can't see hide nor hair of him.

- Maybe he got a lift? - You're probably right.

Can hardly walk without this.

When was the last time you saw him?

We sat up last night.

We were going through these things, old photos and whatnot.

My mum never threw anything away. I'm no better.

The more we looked, the more he seemed to remember.

Suddenly, it was the old Malcolm.

- So, you went to bed late? - Well, it was after midnight.

I was up again at ., but he was gone. His bed hadn't been slept in.

He didn't mention anywhere he might go?

Nothing at all.

We've had no luck finding him so far. I'll keep you informed.

Malcolm?

Malcolm?

Better call an ambulance.

- Yes? - Good morning.

- Is Lord Ashfordly in residence? - He's not available at the moment.

That's a shame because, you see, our David here

gave his Lordship some mushrooms yesterday,

and we're afraid that they might have been a little bit

on the stale side.

So we would like to replace them, free of charge, of course.

It's too late, I'm afraid.

His Lordship insisted on me making him a... mushroom omelette,

for his breakfast.

- And how did he feel? - I beg your pardon!

Has he been acting strange at all?

It's not always easy to tell with his Lordship.

Currently, he's out sh**ting.

- So, he's not dead yet, then? - Not as far as I'm aware.

g*nsh*t

We'd better just go and have a word with him.

He's lost a lot of blood and he's hypothermic.

Is that just from the fall, or is there any sign of attack?

I can't rule that out, but it's hard to tell.

I have to go with him to Ashfordly General. Could someone take my car?

- I'll do that, of course. - Thanks.

See you later.

Thought he was dead when I got down there.

You think Ernie Bell's behind this?

I think we should ask him.

g*nsh*t

There he is.

Come out, come out and fight you purple beggars!

What's he sh**ting at?

You'll not get away that easily!

SCREAMS

Run for it!

You don't scare me!

- What's he doing? - It's these aristocrats.

They get like that because of the in-breeding.

I would suggest it has rather more to do with Mirasmus Rahcodes.

Well, who's that?

The mushrooms you gave Lord Ashfordly.

You see? They're also known as Blue Caps,

and they have strong hallucinogenic properties.

g*nsh*t

Oh, it'll wear off soon.

Anyway, he's not doing any harm here, is he?

There, you see? He's settled down already.

CAR DOOR SHUTS

Stop the car, Geoff! Just stop!

What were you doing? You could have k*lled us.

I dropped summat.

- You were hiding from Rob and Phil! - I wasn't.

- You were. - I wasn't!

I'm not going to argue with you. I've had enough.

Here's your money back.

- Why? - You'll never be able to drive,

if you spend the whole flaming time,

with one eye on the road and the other over your shoulder!

You can get the bus back.

There you go.

- Thanks for doing that. - No worries.

- How is he? - Still regaining consciousness.

He's a bit groggy. This is for you.

Malcolm Stainsby's medical notes.

The Family Practitioner Committee

said it would take up to a month to find this!

Yeah, that's what they told me. So I helped myself.

According to his notes,

Malcolm Stainsby had his appendix removed in ,

so he should have an appendectomy scar.

- And does he? - No.

There's no sign of a scar at all. He isn't Malcolm Stainsby.

- Where's he gone? - He's there.

Now, you're going to have to be very, very careful.

Me?

Well, you got us into this mess!

Go on.

And see he doesn't sh**t somebody.

Get back, or they'll pick up the scent!

Who will?

Use your eyes, man! They're foot high and bright purple!

Oh, them.

Magnificent brutes, aren't they?

With a bit of bush craft, we can take them alive.

Oh, well, you won't be needing the g*n then, will you?

No, I'm using biscuits.

You can too.

See that little fellow over there? Pop one into his mouth.

- Me? - Don't be scared.

Gentle as lambs, once you get to know them.

SIREN

I'll just put the g*n away, first.

The lights. Look at the lights!

We know you're not Malcolm Stainsby.

Do you want to start by telling me who you really are?

I can't remember. It's all gone.

Come on, I think we're a bit beyond that by now, aren't we?

I've sedated him.

You'll have to wait to interview him. He'll be quite poorly.

Thanks to these two.

It was completely irresponsible to give him mushrooms,

when you didn't know what they were. - And illegal.

We could be dealing with supplying dr*gs, poisoning even.

Hold on! Them mushrooms are perfectly legal.

So you say. Look, if you were growing them...

No. No, Lord Ashfordly were growing them.

They were found on his land.

Any road, we didn't know he'd be daft enough to eat them, did we?

That's why he bought them.

Hold on, let me get this straight.

You picked the mushrooms on Ashfordly's land,

and then you sold them to him?

We were legally entitled.

- Tell him, Davey. - Yeah, that's right.

You can pick mushrooms for yourself,

but if it's for commercial gain, then that's theft.

I need to know your real name.

It's Farrell.

Alexander Farrell.

Friends used to call me Alex.

When I used to have friends.

Why did you pretend to be Malcolm Stainsby?

- It wasn't my idea. - Whose was it, then?

There's no harm been done, we didn't go through with it.

Can't you just leave it be?

What about the harm you've done to Diane and Ernie Bell?

Doesn't that count?

Who dreamt this up?

Clifford Chappell.

Go on.

He saw me in a hospital.

I was down on my luck.

And he thought that you looked like Malcolm?

He said I was the spitting image of him.

Said it wouldn't be for long. I'd no idea...

And then all of a sudden there was you and...

the husband.

And then she kissed me.

I had to get out.

How do you mean?

I ran off from Chappell's house last night, but he came after me.

I told him I couldn't do it any more.

That I'd go away. No-one would ever see me again.

- And what did he do? - He flipped!

Next thing I knew, I was falling.

Can't tell you any more. I don't want any trouble.

I'm afraid you've got it.

I've got some bad news, I'm afraid.

It isn't Malcolm.

- No! - There isn't any doubt.

He was put up to it.

I'm sorry.

MILLER: Alex Farrell, the man you swore was Malcolm Stainsby,

has given us a full account of what happened.

Did he tell you about how he's not right in the head?

He's been in and out of mental hospitals for years.

He couldn't plan the impersonation without help, could he?

Preferably from somebody who knew the man well.

You've done enough damage as it is.

If you had an ounce of decency, you'd tell us the truth now.

OK, let's start from the beginning.

You met Farrell and saw that he looked like Malcolm.

And yet everyone knew he was dead.

Why did you think you could get away with it?

Diane told me once years ago, she never believed it.

She always dreamed he'd come back one day.

So the plan was Diane would take Malcolm back, and then what?

Well, I knew how Ernie would take it.

All I had to do was leave it for a bit,

then tell him that for, say, £, I could make Malcolm disappear.

- No questions asked. - So you were going to blackmail him?

But I didn't. You've got nothing on me.

But you did try and make Farrell disappear.

He refused to go along with your plan, so you went after him.

- You argued, you hit him... - No!

It was an accident, I swear it! He slipped!

But you thought you'd k*lled him, didn't you?

Otherwise you wouldn't have rung the police.

I'm charging you with attempted m*rder.

I dread to think what your little stunt

has done to Ernie and Diane Bell.

I don't want apologies. I want the book thrown at them!

For picking the mushrooms and selling them to you?

- Yes. - Well, apart from a possible theft,

it's debatable whether they actually broke the law.

I mean, you did buy the mushrooms, didn't you?

Never mind that, they might have k*lled me!

Well, if money did change hands,

then I suppose I could charge them...

Oh, but it didn't.

I'm sorry, Aunt Peggy, I know you don't like me doing this but,

well, his Lordship didn't have any money.

- I said he could pay later. - Oh!

Yeah, well, then it's hardly anything to do with us at all!

I'm afraid I'm going to have to let them go.

Don't you two think this is the end of the matter!

I shall take this up with your superiors.

Well, you're right. It's not the end.

There's the matter of driving under the influence of dr*gs,

endangering lives with a firearm.

I could call back later, if you're not feeling too well.

Take a statement then.

I thought you were on leave.

I didn't need it after all.

It's a bit late now anyway.

I'd have been here before, but I had a long wait for the bus.

- You ought to think about a car. - Yes, Sarge.

Only...

Only... I can't.

You see, I don't have a driving licence.

I've got a provisional one, but...

I'm sorry.

- It won't happen again. - It had better not.

The driving course was oversubscribed.

They bumped you off, so no real harm done.

Now, I know you're ambitious and want to impress,

but if you try to pull the wool again,

you won't be going on a driving course.

You won't be wearing the uniform.

You'll be out on your ear. Understood?

Yes, Sarge.

Clifford, Malcolm, Ernie and me,

we all used to play together in t'field behind t'school.

Now look.

I have to talk to Ernie.

I know it, he knows it.

I chose Malcolm over him, no point kidding ourselves about that.

Are you going to tell him to leave?

No. He can have the farm.

But I can't stay here with him.

Would you like me to talk to him first? Explain what happened?

No.

I'll do it. I owe him that.

Don't bother.

It was always Malcolm, wasn't it?

I suppose I always knew that.

But before you go making more of a fool of yourself,

there's something you should see.

You want to know what happened to Malcolm?

How did you get these?

In July ' he came back here.

I took these off him.

What wouldn't go in the lime pit.

Why didn't I see him?

I saw him first.

But what was he doing here?

He wasn't in the cinema. That was bombed.

He helped pull out the bodies, what was left of them.

He swapped his papers for some poor dead beggar.

He thought, that way he could come back here,

and get on with his life, without police after him.

And you k*lled him?

Well, it's...

not so hard k*lling a bloke, who everyone thinks is dead already.

So, now you know.

Now will you believe he's gone? I'm all you've ever had.

Ernie Bell, I'm arresting you for m*rder.

Doctor's already given me the death sentence.

I haven't long. That's why I'm telling you now.

What's it matter?

Why did you do it?

Back then I knew you didn't love me.

But I thought it would come. One day.

Diane, I love you.

- I tried. - You're trying.

But I was always second best.

Waste of a life.

Come on.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

- I just saw Diane. - How is she?

Still in shock.

Well, in a way, she's lost two husbands in one day.

Do you think she really thought that man was Malcolm?

That's the thing with con tricks.

They work best when victims want them to be true.

How do I con you into buying me a drink?

Way ahead of you on that one.

- Can I get you a drink? - No, thank you.

- Can I apologise, then? - That would be a start.

Can I ask you summat?

Would you carry on giving me driving lessons?

- You are joking! - No, I'm not.

Look, you're the best instructor I've ever had.

None of the others would give me a second lesson.

Please.

All right.

But you only need the L-plates on the back of the car.

You what?

Oh, come on. That's not very funny, is it!