03x05 - k*ll Team k*ll

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

[electronic warbling]

[man sighing in relief]

[groaning]

[laughs]

This is some bullshit, Sergeant.

Shut the f*ck up, Macy.

Folen! You're gonna get sh*t in the d*ck if you stand in silhouette like that.

[spits]

Yep.

Right in the d*ck.

I'm just trying to see how far out I can get it.

I've got the aim of an angel and the reach of a god.

[sighs]

How much further to the objective, Sarge? Another 500 meters up.

[eagle screeching]

Oh, f*ck me.


- [radio beeps]


- One
-Seven, this is One
-One.

Over.

[radio static]


- [radio beeps]


- One
-Seven, One
-One.

We're within 500 meters of the objective.

How copy? Over.

[radio static]

Everything all right, Sergeant? Fine.

f*cking peachy.

[tense music playing]

[Macy]

Fine, like in no radio contact with anyone for the last 50 f*cking minutes? [Folen]

Fine, like our idiotic f*cking platoon leader decided to split us up? [soldier]

Fine, like I have to keep hauling this f*cking a*mo up this m*therf*cking mountain? Fine, like Team Two's been torn into greasy shreds of man jerky? [Folen gasps]

[sinister music playing]

[Folen]

Jesus f*ck.

Look at this thing here.

Almost as big as my d*ck.

[chuckles]

Well, I guess he won't be needing this.

It's It's the whole team.

Muj didn't do this, Sergeant.

Hey, hey, hey.

It doesn't matter what did it.

We're gonna get through this, soldier.

Together.

"Together"? I bet that'll look great on a poster with some puppies! [creature roaring]

[suspenseful music playing]

[snarls]

[g*ns cocking]

What? Uh, what? It's a honey badger.

Honey badgers don't give a sh*t! That's it.

We've all gone crazy.

Time to k*ll each other.

Oh, thank God.

I'm so tired of carrying all this f*cking a*mo around.

You assholes don't have my permission to die.

[growls, roars]

Uh, should we sh**t it? f*ck yes, Coutts.

Let's sh**t it.

Fire! Fire! [roars]

[snarls]

[Folen]

It's not stopping!
- [creature roars]


- Hold! [snarls]

[soldier grunts, screams]

[Folen]

What kind of bear is that? [grunts, yells]

f*ck you, honey badger! [screaming]

f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you! f*ck you!
- Let him go, you son of a bitch!
- [squelching]

[creature roars]


- [Coutts grunts]


- [creature snarls]

[Sarge]

Holy sh*t! [soldier 2]

Die, fucker! [soldier 2 yelling]

[roars]

[g*n clicks]

Uh
-oh.

[squelching]

Erwin! [creature snarls]

[yells]

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!
- [blades clanking]


- [creature roars]

[high
-pitched whining]

[creature yelps, moans]

[creature whimpering]

[high
-pitched whining stops]

[breathing heavily]

[man]

Hey! Over here! f*ck.

g*dd*mn thing's run out of juice.


- [squelching]


- f*ck.

Oh, I'm standing on your friend.

Sorry.

This really sucks.


- No sh*t.


- [metal clanking]

Who the hell's this guy? Sergeant First Class Morris, attached to Task Force Griffin.

Stationed at Camp Eisenhower.


- It's right over that ridge.


- No such place as Camp Eisenhower.

Sure there is.

You just didn't know about it.

It's subterranean.

Bullshit that's where you're from.

You're stationed at Camp Bullshit, and you drink from a CamelBak full of lies.

CIA built it back in '02, right after the invasion.

It's just another part of our hearts and minds strategy.

And let me guess.

It's part of some Secret Squirrel op, and you've got all kinds of crazy sciencey sh*t under there, including f*cking nightmares like that thing.

Well, that thing is code named Project Barghest.

It was on patrol with us last night when it started acting unpatriotic, and treated my team like an Afghani buffet.

Bar
-guest? That's a stupid f*cking name for a honey badger.

It's not a honey badger.

It's a genetically
-engineered grizzly bear with a sh*t
-ton of mechanical augmentation.


- It's like a t*nk with fur.


- [electronic warbling]

Retractable anti
-personnel titanium talons, diamond carbine canines, all wrapped in a solid inch of ballistic
-resistant gel under its skin.

Small arms won't do jack
-sh*t, and even grenades won't hurt it.

Unless you get lucky, which you won't.


- Can you k*ll it with that?
- [Morris]

This piece of sh*t? No.

It's supposed to be a remote control, but the only thing that works is this setting that says "f*ck off.

" Come on, guys.

Let's go to that base you don't think exists.

Well, Sarge? Why not? I doubt this sh*t could get any weirder.

[Morris]

Dang it.

It was right here.

It was right there.

It was there.

There was a f*cking rock.

f*cking there.

It appears the secret back entrance to your secret CIA base is so extra f*cking secret even you can't find it.

Sarge, we got permission to die now? Getting there, Folen.

Getting there.

Oh, here it is.

[chuckles]

[Morris sighs]


- Yet
- Amazing.

[hatch opens]

[lights clicking on]

[unsettling music playing]

[flies buzzing]

Guessing it wasn't like this when you left.

No.

It f*cking wasn't.

Well, personally, I love what they've done with the place.

[Barghest roars]

[Morris]

All right.

Let's get some proper f*cking ordnance and k*ll the sh*t out of this f*cking thing! Sorry for all the cursing.

[electronic warbling]

[funky electro music playing]

This is where I come to jerk off.

Macy! Folen! Christmas come early, boys.

[chortles]

[chuckles]

Now we're talking! [Morris]

You drool on it, you buy it.

f*ck yeah.

This will do some damage.

[banging]


- [g*ns cocking]


- [Macy]

Hmm? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Friendly.

Friendly.

[electronic trilling]

This is MAARS
-Bot.


- [trilling happily]


- Hi.

Hi.

Oh, who's your buddy, MAARS
-Bot? Who's your buddy? Oh, sweet.

More science sh*t.

He gonna go rogue and try and eat us too? You didn't think the CIA would make just one Jihad
-Joe k*lling w*apon, did you? Redundancy, son, saves lives.

Well, it is kinda cute.

[electronic trilling]

Oh, don't you look at me like that with them little puppy dog eyes.

[electronic trilling]

[sighs]

Jesus f*cking Christ, Macy.

[Barghest roars]

Here we go, guys.

Come on! [suspenseful music playing]

[computer beeping]

You better put me in for a Bronze Star after this sh*t, Morris.

You've got a bad attitude, Private Macy, and I will deny any award he puts you in for.

[electronic trilling]

[keyboard clacking]

Okay.

Maybe a certificate of achievement.

Maybe.

All right, ladies.

I'm gonna call the Barghest to us.

Clench up! Let's just get this sh*t over with.

[launchers cocking]

[suspenseful music swells]

[Morris]

In three, two, one.

[computer beeps]

[music stops]

[electronic trilling]

[Sarge]

Um, you sure that recall button's [yelling]

[Barghest growling]

[yelling]

[Morris screaming]

[electro hip
-hop music playing]

[Barghest snarls]


- [Macy]

f*ck!
- [Sarge grunts]

Go, go, go! [snarls]


- [squelching]


- [angry trilling]

[Folen]

Holy f*cking sh*t! [Barghest roars in pain]

[roars]

[snarls]

Goddammit! Go, go, go! [growls]

[electronic trilling]

[weak trilling]

MAARS
-Bot, no! Save yourself, robot friend! [electronic trilling]

[snarls]

No! [roars]

f*ck this.

Go! Special delivery! I need some range! [whimpers, roars]

Get some! [roars]

[all yelling]

[music stops]

[powers down]

[chuckles]

That's all you got? Stupid f*cking honey badger! Folen, get the f*ck back, you idiot! [screaming]

[Barghest roaring]

f*ck you, honey badger!
- [intense music playing]


- [Macy grunting]


- [screams]


- Macy! Move! [roars]

[Barghest screams]

[powers down]

[roars]

[Macy yelling]

[screams]

[yelling]

[yelling continues]

[Sarge breathing heavily]


- [bubble gum pops]


- [yelps, clears throat]


- f*ck, Macy.


- [Folen]

Mama [straining]

M
-Mama It's gonna be okay, Folen.

Just [coughs]

Nielsen Nielsen, please please tell my wife
- I will, Folen.

Anything.


- Nielsen
- Please Please
- [Nielsen]

I promise.

tell my wife I I I f*cked her sister.

[chuckles]

[groans]

[melancholy music playing]

f*ck me.

Well [sniffles]

that sure was some bullshit, Sergeant.

[eye plinks]

[beeping]

[eye beeps faster]

Oh f*ck.

[intense music playing]

[roars]

[music stops]

[electronic warbling]

[closing theme music playing]

[Coutts]

f*ck you, honey badger! Fu Fu Fu f*ck you, honey badger! f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you.

f*ck you! [Folen]

Stupid f*cking honey badger! [Erwin]

Die, fucker! [Nielsen]

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! [Folen]

Stupid f*cking honey badger! [Coutts]

f*ck you, honey badger! f*ck you, honey badger! Right in the d*ck.