04x01 - Chocolate Up to Experience/Three Dag Nite!

[bunniefuu]

( Lively dance music playing )

♪ A-a-angry beavers ♪

♪ Beavers. ♪

Norbert:
it's an outrage!

One missing curling iron and the
whole collection's worthless!

Who's leo sayer?
He kind of makes me
feel like dancing.

Another near-great
from the '70s.

All the money and time spent
tracking down curling irons

From valerie bertinelli,
rick springfield...

Maybe bo donaldson
didn't have
a curling iron.

Of course he did,
all the heywoods did,
and we're going to get it!

We are?

Mm-hmm.
I refuse to watch my...

Our beautiful collection
rendered useless

And our lives
made meaningless.

Hey, what's wrong
with that?

You see this box
of beaver youth
chocolatious candy bars

Benefiting
nutless squirrels?

Poor little squirellies.

No pecans, no macadamias,
no filberts... Nutless. Nothing.

( Sniffs )

Ooh! Candy!

Mm-hmm.

Owie!

They're not for you!

The first to sell all 200

Wins a mint condition,
signed, first-edition

Bo donaldson curling iron,
circa 1973.

Isn't that great?

No.

Who wants to sell
stupid spooty candy?

We do! Surely a beaver
with your social conscience

Wouldn't stand
for squirrels going nutless.

What's wrong
with that?

Poor, hungry
little squirrelies...

No pecans, no macadamias...
No filberts!

Couldn't we just give
the rats some nuts
from the candy bars?

No! You obviously
don't understand

How charity works.

Yah! But selling candy
is so bo... Ring!

No! It's an
easy-peasy breezy

With a master salesman
like me on hand.

Eee?

What a team player.

Remember, work smart, not hard,
and don't forget the four "s"'s:

Sell, sell, sell

And, um...
Buy?
Sell!

I knew it started
with a "b".

I'll be nearby if you need
any expert sales advice.

Say...

Why is this spooty stand
so high up?

Product visibility!

( Grumbling ))))))))))
anybody want to buy
a spooty old... Candy bar?

No? Nobody?

Ah, didn't think so.

( Sniffing )

Norbert:
remember, you
can't sell anything

Unless you can
sell yourself.

Eee...
( Stammering )

Let's see a 20
in front of this zero!

You can do it, dag!

Do it for
the squirrels.

Yeah, rats.

Do it for the prize,
do it for the team

But most of all

Do it for you!

( Grumbling )

Anybody for a spooty old dumb...
Candy bar? Hmm?

Spooty...

Old...

Dumb...

Can-dy... Bar.

Norbert:
are a few nuts

Too much to ask for?

Believe
in your product...

Like I believe in you.

Uh, but...

Now I'm going to take a na...

I mean, take some sales calls.

Think big.

Yeah, yeah, big, big.

Think big.

Mmm... Big!

Eee...!

If you're not
out selling

You're being
outsold, son.

Let's move this product,
daggie!

Let's... Why don't you move?

It's all about
initiative.

Huh?

( Whistling... )

What... But... Uh...

Daggett!
How could you?

Um... I didn't.

You let a simple candy bar
tempt you away from our goal.

Oh, the shame of a good salesman
gone bad.

It starts with
a tear in the foil

A tiny little tear.

You scratch at it
until you hit chocolate.

( With mouth full ):
a few shavings lead to a sliver,
that leads to a square.

Excuse me...

Then a section...

Uh... Excuse me..

Then a jagged bar...

Then the evening...

Reduces you to half a bar!

Exac... What...

You can't sell
half a candy bar!

Norb...

Whoops!

Broken bars don't sell,
either!

Hey, turbo!

Got to test for freshness!

( Gulping )

Then the ones on the bottom
might be stale!

You can't sell anything
unless you can describe it!

Already forgot
what it tastes like.

( Gulping )

Mmm...

Nobody buys sun-damaged goods.

A well-deserved
snack break!

What's that noise?!

Tick-tick-tick...

Is it a b*mb?

Yee...!

Help, a candy bar's
ticking!

Better check
all the bars!

Yee! Yee!

The expl*sives could be
in the chocolate!

Yee...!

But they're not.

So you put a few away
for later... Mmm!

And before you know it,
you've eaten all but one
of 200 candy bars

Which were supposed to be sold

So that poor,
nutless squirrels...

The poor rats!

...could have some nuts
to call their own nuts!

Oh, no, dag! Look
what you made me do!

I'm sorry, norb!

Oh, it is a tragedy!

How do we ever...
What do we do?

What, what?

I've got it.

There's only
one thing to do.

Right, one thing.

You're going to sell

This one remaining
candy bar

For $200!

You can do it!

That's the one thing?

Get out there
in the field

And make me proud,
dag.

You the man!

Make it happen!

I'm making it happen!

Stay hungry!

Stay... ( Growling )

I'm a tiger.

I won't let you down!

But not for,
but not for chocolate.

( Growling )
hungry, hungry...
Still pretty hungry.

Can I have
just a little bite?

This is good.

Hey! Would you like to buy
a candy bar for $200?

( Laughs,
slams door )

Ee... Ooh... Okay.

Hey, want to buy...

( Slams door )

Ha-ha.

You've got e-mail.

"Trouble with customer
relations.

Love, dag."

"Serve your customer...
Mmm...

And your customer
will serve you."

"Dear norb...

( Wheezing )

...seem to be
under black cloud."

Hmm...

"It's always darkest
before dawn.

Hang tough, daggy."

( Gulps, groans softly )

( Glass breaks, alarm wailing )

Alarm voice:
move away from the car!

Moving, I'm moving.

A little to your right.

Three more steps backwards.

One, two...

Wrap your right leg
around your left leg.

My left leg...

Now bend backwards.

Okay...

( Cracking )

Further...

( Screeches )

Ha-ha-ha.

You've got e-mail.

"Product not what customer
wants. Quitting. Dag."

"Winners... Never... Quit.

"Quilters... Knit...
And quit... Wit.

"If customer doesn't want
product, make product
what customer quilt."

Quilt! He wants... "Quit!"

He wants me to quit. Fine!

( Daggett panting )

Put my name at the top
of the board, norbie.
( Laughs )

Just like I promised.

Put my name at the top.
( Laughs )

Yeah, dag!
The sales training paid off.

Indeed.

I knew I could turn you
into a closer.

Let's go get my...
Um... Our prize.

Wait a minute,
where's my quilt?

I need my quilt.

Will you settle
for steak knives?

Oh, I never could have won
this prize without you, dag.

It's just as much yours
as it is mine.

Put my name on the top
of the board.

But don't touch it or
I'll break your fingers!

( Laughs ) if you're
going to play the game,
know the rules.

Oh, my beauty,
I've got the case all ready.

I steam-cleaned
and powdered your
velvet shelf.

I even installed
a filtered spotlight.

Ooh... Mmm...

Huh?

Trophy case...

Living room...

Den...?

I had to sell something
to win that prize.

Nobody wanted a spooty
old candy bar for $200.

Put my name on the top
of the board... Now!

Your name's coming off!

You're not on
the top of the board.

And give me
the steak knives back!

Let's step over here and talk
about this, shall we, norb?

Daggett "the machine" levine!

Uh... ( Stammering )

Listen to me...

You are gone!

I made the product

What the customer wanted! Ah!

Please... Please...
Don't turn me in.

Oh! No! My ostrich feather
keychain with the matching
money clip!

I'll split the money
with you. All right, 50%.

You're old! You should have
prepared for your future.

You should have bought
a mutual fund when you
were young!

Look at you, you're old!

And you're going to be
on the streets!

No, no...
Listen to me...

It is over, old man.

Daggett:
♪ e-z-clone, e-z-clone ♪

♪ Fun for you,
first there's one ♪

♪ And then there's two... ♪

( Excited panting... )

♪ E-z-clone,
e-z-clone,
fun for me ♪

♪ First there's two,
then there's th-three...! ♪

( Giggling and panting )

Take it from
the e-z-clone
clowns, kids.

There's nothing more fun
than making two out of one!
( Giggling )

Not for use with household pets.

Void where prohibited.

( Giggling )

Okay, frankie, bring her down!

You got it, boss.

Behold!

A louis xiv salon-quality

Harpsichord hair dryer that
dries your hair in a minuet.

Yeah, well, the e-z-clone
is, uh, is hours of fun
for the whole family.

It's just a cardboard box
with a light inside!

How dare you!

It doesn't really
clone things.

Hate to say it,
but that's the truth.

It just makes cheap,
plastic fakes.

Ooh, infidel!

You're a sucker
for toys that don't work.

Oh, yeah? Name one.

Remember when you had to
have those?

Well, that was last month, okay?

I was just a kid then.

The e-z-clone works,
and I'll prove it!

Well, prove it
somewhere else.

Oh, I will.

I can't have
any distractions

Whilst restoring
my pricyless hairloom.

Hey, what's that?!

( Laughs )
distracted.

( Humming jingle )...

♪ Clone... ♪

( Humming... )
♪ Two... ♪

( Humming... )
♪ E-z... ♪

( Grumbling )

Spooty oven, ee!
Spooty oven, ee!

That ought to do it.

( Whirring and dinging )

Ee?

Ee? Ae-ha!

( Cackling )
now we're talking, baby.

( Louder whirring )

Spooty oven, ee!

Spooty oven, ee!

Spooty oven, ee!

( Panting )

Ee... Ooh... Ee... Ooh!

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ee!

( Gurgling ):
spooty oven.

Norbert:
hmm...

Musing... Mumbling...
Musing... Mumbling...

Then inspiration strikes...
Ae-ha!

A slight rotation
of the flaminator,
tighten the huguenot

And...

Ah...

Nothing like
a sun king hair dryer

For a little divine
relaxification.

( Humming and playing... )

Deh...!

( Playing off-key )

Cut it out, dag!

Ooh.

Geh...

Dag!

You're wrecking
my priceless hairloom!

Ee...
Ee...

Be quiet, dags!

Dags?

Guh?

What in the name of zasu pitts'
sensible burlap corsets...

Is going on here?!

Ee...

Ee, ee...

They're like dag...

But dumber--
didn't think that was possible.

( Crash )

( Panting )

And then they're getting
even dumber.

Hey, norb, you were right
about the e-z-clone oven.

♪ First there's one,
then there's two... ♪

How do I know
you're the real dag?!

Ee?

Doesn't have a clue...
It must be dag.

Daggett, what have you done?!

Wh-what have I done?

What's with your hair?

Ee...
Ee...

Ee...
Ee...

( Gasps )

Could it be?

Ee...

Eh...

Ee...

Ee... They're alive!

My e-z-clone oven...

♪ E-z-clone, e-z-clone,
first there's one... ♪

...works!

Soon the world
will be filled with me!

No!

As a moral
and kid-friendly beaver

I have to stop
this crime

Against all that is
natural and right.

The e-z-clone...

Both:
♪ e-z-clone, e-z-clone... ♪

Must be
destroy-ed!

Oh, no, you don't!

Seize him!

Clones:
ooh... Ee... Ah...

( Whimpering... )

( Snorting... )

Must... Save...

The planet!

♪ Ominous ee... ♪

♪ Ominous ee... ♪

♪ Ominous ee... ♪

Hey, look!
Hairless monkeys!

Both:
ooh... Ooh... Ooh... Ooh...

Stop right there, norbert!

No, right there-- good.

Seize the infidel!

( Clones snorting )

Geh!

Get your paws off me,
you darn, dirty clones!

Clones:
ee-ee, ee-ee...

You'll never get away
with this, dag!

Clones:
ee... Ee...

Ha! Dot, dot, dot!

No one can stop me now, norbert!

Give him the old heave-ho, boys!

( Cackling )

Norbert:
no...!

Everybody dance, if you want to!

Ha-ha-ha!

Ooh! Ha! Cha-cha...

♪ E-z-clone, ha, e-z-clone ♪

♪ E-z... ♪
Hey, hey, me, fall behind me.

♪ E-z-clone, e-z-clone... ♪
Stay in line, me!

♪ E-z-clone,
ch-con, ch-con, ch-con ♪

♪ E-first there's one, ch-con,
ch-con, ooh, ah, ee, ee, ee... ♪

Something must be done before
the delicate balance of nature
is forever as-kew.

There's only one way
to stop such evil:

Circulate a petition!

( Zapping )

( Daggett laughing )

This is only the beginning!

( Laughs )

Today, the dam...

Tomorrow.... Ee, ah, ee, ah,
er, uh... More stuff!

( Laughs )

Clones:
ee, ee, ee, ee, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ee, cha-cha-cha.

All right already! Phew!

This mad scientist stuff
really works up an appetite.

Ee?

Hey!

Get out of my cereal,
spootheads!

( Burps ) ee.

( Burps ) ee.

Hey, hey.

Me ate the last lickety splits!

( Crunching )

Uh...

( Smacking )

Ee, ee, ee...

Bad clone.

Bad, bad, bad clone.

( Crashing )

Clones:
ee, ee, ee, ee...

I command you to stop!

Clones:
ee, ee, ee, ee...

Ee?
Ee?

Ee.

( High-pitched scream... )

( Gasps )

Ee, ee, ee.

Ee.

Ee.

Ee.

Ee, ee, ee...

Clones:
eh, ee, eh, ee...

All:
ee!

( Crunching )

All:
eh, ee, eh, ee...

( Shrieks )

I guess I have
no choice.

Time to move on,
build another dam

Sit shirtless in the gymnasium
and watch the racquetball.

But I'll never find another dag!

Oh, wait, of course I will,
there's millions of them.

Oh, no!

Clone:
mmp... Er... Oh...

Stump! What
happened to you?

You're right! The time
for reason is over!

It's time to act
with the fear
and ig-norance

Of an angry mob!
Who's with me?

Couple in the back?
Good.

All:
ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee...

Ee, ee, ee, ee,
ee, er, ee, er...

( Gasps )
unhand my teddy,
you beast!

Ee, ee, ee!

Give me that!
I command you!

Ee!

Ee!

Ee!

( Beep )

( All laughing )

( Beep )

( All laughing )

( Beep )

Ee... Ee...

Clones ( teasing ):
ee-ee, ee-ee-ee...

( Gasps )

Give me back
my teddy.

Give me back
my teddy...

Please, pretty please
with sugar on top!

( Bang )

Norbert:
come on! Put your backs into it!

Not you, stump.

Boy, am I glad to see you...

I hope you've learned
your lesson, dag.

Huh, you bet
I have, norbert.

Next time I use
the e-z-clone

I'll read
the directions.

There can't be
a next time!

That cursed ma-chine
must be destroy-ed

So the forest will
once again be safe

For future gene-rations.

Norb... Look!

All:
ee, ee, ee...
Ee, ee, ee, ee, ee...

( Screams )

Let's get out of here!

We're not going
anywhere, bro-ther.

You forget...

They're only cheap,
plastic imitations.

( Begins playing )

( Hissing )

Clones:
ee-ah-ee-ee-ah-oh-ooh...

( Voices fade, garble )

Kooky! Way to go, norb!
You saved the dam

And the future of
life as we know it.

Don't thank me.

Thank the louis xiv hair dryer
that dries hair

And liquefies stubborn
clones in a minuet.

Hey, norb?

Mm-hmm?

Sorry about that

World domination thing.

That's okay.

Now, I will
take this

And break it into
tiny, little pieces

So it can never do its
un-nature-alness again.

Oh... Ah!
That should about do it.

Now maybe things can get
back to normal around here...

( Harpsichord playing )

If norb even stops playing
his spooty hair dryer!

( Other instruments join in )

Wow, he's getting good.

What the dot-dot-dot-
question-mark!

Ooey!

( Orchestra playing... )

Ooh...!

( Music concludes )