Revised, completed, corrected
and synched by Fingersmaster. Enjoy!
Long ago,
the Arakacians ruled the galaxies.
Horror and devastation lay in their wake.
The source of their terrifying power...
lay within a chamber on planet Uroboris.
The waters it contained
held the promise of everlasting life.
The chamber could only be opened
with a single key...
which, if ever found...
would guide its bearer back
to the fountainhead of immortality.
However, the key would drive
all who touched it insane.
When the Arakacians were finally defeated,
the chamber was locked...
and the key, cast out deep into space.
It has never been found...
until now.
Come on!
Give it up, why don't ya!
Damn! Not again!
I can't wait to get
those new matter munchers.
I've had just about enough
of these cheap heads.
Tyler, major find here!
What is it?
I don't know.
Careful, it could be a Class 4 biohazard.
What is that thing?
What's it doing?
It's... weird.
Tyler!
What's going on?
Are you okay?
Should I call for a containment crew?
Stay back.
No, please!
The guardian has revealed himself!
The key has been found!
Odin, tell us...
Is the day of the great darkness at hand?
Yes. It is written in the Old Books.
The coming back time has begun.
Evil will descend upon us!
We must prepare to defend the chamber!
Sanders, sector 3!
We're still waiting for their
preliminary core samples, Captain.
What? How long
have they been down there?
Over 12 hours.
They must be going nuts.
Weird.
System checks out, but no response.
Deadsville.
Send someone down there.
I want to know what's going on.
I need a big ship to get somewhere.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Security. To the bridge!
Any other stupid questions?
You, fat boy.
Name and duties.
- Lambert, sir. Navigation's Officer.
- Drive.
Germain St. Germain.
When I want your name, shit brain,
I'll ask for it.
Take over engineering.
Plot a course for BR-549, sector 7.
And somebody better
get rid of this garbage.
By the way...
you have 20 seconds
to get us out of here.
Hi.
What are you still doing here?
I know. I'm going to be late for school.
Where's Dad?
He's at the council meeting.
I thought you were supposed to go.
Oh, shit!
Do you believe
any of that immortality crap?
I mean, think about it.
A stupid key?
Call him a liar, and see what happens.
Listen, this guy's getting weirder
by the day.
Imagine in 10 years?
Hell, 100.
You've got a point.
I am getting sick of it.
Going all over the bloody place.
Looking for a stupid compound!
- What have you got?
- A FAKK 2 planet, sir.
Death to all carbon based life forms.
Federation Assigned Kitogenic Killzone
to the second level.
Which means... it's a dead planet.
Scan it anyway.
I don't get it.
There's life out there.
The FAKK 2 must have been
from an old registry.
I want a bio-scan
for compound H2O-471.
There are small traces in their systems.
Yeah. Immortality all over the place.
You!
Just remember you're not immortal yet!
What's this place called?
Eden, sir.
Welcome to paradise.
And our irrigation program
is already showing promise.
Agro-production is up five percent
in the last six months.
Phase two of our expansion project...
the development of the Noma Valley,
will begin in three weeks as scheduled.
Things look good, ladies and gentlemen.
Our future is bright.
Help Kerrie.
I'll get our air defences up!
Be careful! I'll see you up there!
Quickly. This way!
Kerrie!
Julie.
Father!
Looks like the boys
got a little trigger-happy.
When making an omelette,
one breaks a few eggs.
Here, let me help you.
They att*cked.
- You okay?
- We never had a chance.
Hey, look at this!
A live one!
Leave her alone!
Get off of me! Let me go!
Feisty and sexy.
Careful boys, this one's a keeper.
- Pack 'em up!
- Yes, sir!
Splitsville, boys! We're moving out!
Wait for me!
- Lover-boy, you're on your own.
- What?
You can't just leave me here like this!
Wait a minute, man...
Like the sign says, a dead planet.
This won't hurt. It's just a DNA test.
The good stuff comes later.
Start with the others, Doc...
- This one's special.
- But of course.
What I need is in your system.
Not enough to make you immortal...
but it probably keeps you people
beautiful and healthy.
Especially you.
I'll save you for last.
And if you're lucky, my dear,
and play your cards right...
we'll spend a lot of
quality time together.
Perfect. I knew
you wouldn't disappoint me.
Clean her up!
And I don't have to remind your kind...
she's mine.
Why?
Man, I should have been a cook!
Try this for an appetiser!
- I didn't do anything! I swear!
- You're one of them!
No! I mean, I was,
but I ran away!
I didn't k*ll anybody!
Who did this?
He took over our ship
and forced us to come here!
- Who?
- His name's Tyler!
Why did he attack?
He's nuts!
He thinks he's going to live forever!
Where did he go?
You've got one second.
One....
Wait! I'll take you to him!
- Where?
- Do we have a deal?
How long to fix this Spacehawk?
Two hours, max!
I'm almost there.
You dropped your wrench.
Aren't you going to pick it up?
Yeah.
What did I do?
I am a genius.
Doc, this'd better work.
I like the hint of lemon.
I'm so glad.
Yes!
So, where are we going?
He said he needed
to get to a jump port.
Computer, set co-ordinates
for the closest spaceport...
that can handle a class C vessel.
Searching. Searching.
Confirmed.
Neo Calcutta. Course set.
ETA 93.7 hours.
So, what's your name?
Listen,
don't talk, don't touch,
don't even breathe...
- or I k*ll you. Got it?
- I got it.
Request incoming docking co-ordinates.
Please continue holding pattern.
Lock in approach at A.N.U.S-6370.
- Confirmed.
- State the purpose of your visit.
- Revenge.
- Processing.
Invalid entry.
Resubmit.
- Family business.
- Confirmed.
Forty-eight hour access.
Visa file number U.R.F.U.K.D-881.
Please submit identity.
FAKK 2.
Confirmed. Cleared for docking.
All right!
You like this place?
Looks like a lot of your type.
Well, I mean...
After four days stuck in a Spacehawk,
getting the cold shoulder...
it's not so bad.
We could have a lot of fun here.
What are you, socially deprived?
I'm not socially deprived.
Well, maybe a little.
But, I mean...
"Sit down! What are you looking at?
You snore!
"Get outta my face!
Shut the f*ck up!"
This is heaven compared
to where I come from.
Shut the f*ck up.
Are you sure this guy Tyler
is looking for a jump port?
And to where?
We're talking high-grade,
silicone-rubber flesh here.
And a PVC skeleton with
plastic ball and socket joints
for optimum movement.
You can customise her
with a choice of seven synthetic hair dyes.
And optional entry ports
with four speeds of suction!
Loveable, isn't she?
Well...
Check this out.
She's loaded with the latest micro-sensor
orgasmatronic technology...
and an expandable vocabulary...
of over 200 dirty words.
Test results indicate
she's better than the real thing.
Go on, Venus.
Show the gentleman what you got.
Please select your sexual preference.
Vaginal. a**l. Oral. Other.
Only 2,000.
I don't know, 2,000....
Unless, of course,
you'd prefer the Fellation Blowfish.
Sick, twisted, low-life,
scum sucking pig!
At least I'll have someone to talk to.
Oh, no!
What?
That's him. The tall one.
- Let's go.
- I'll... wait here.
But he'll see me.
You don't know what he's like.
Yeah, right. Chicken shit.
Baby!
God, this is fun!
Free?
Nobody touches these...
but me!
Bar towel!
Yes! Oh, god!
Hello? Captain Tyler,
Metal Mammoth Mining.
We need some drinks!
We should make it fast.
We don't want to miss the jump.
- Screw the jump!
- But...
I've got all the time in the world!
Besides, something just came up.
But, er...
You just found the man of your dreams.
When you k*ll someone, darling,
make sure he's dead.
What the hell?
Well...
Looks like happy hour is over.
- Who's gonna pay for all of this?
- This ought to take care of it.
Here. Keep the change.
What? Holy shit!
Grenades!
Julie?
Julie?
Julie?
Are you all right?
He died!
And then he was alive again!
Now you know.
I don't know d*ck!
How does he do it?
He's got this weird potion!
And a key that's leading him
to the Chamber of lmmortality.
Why didn't you tell me that before?
"Sit down. Get outta my face!
Shut the f*ck up!"
Okay, okay!
So if I take away his potion,
he'll stay dead, right?
If... you can get close enough.
That's him, isn't it?
Son of a bitch, he's getting away!
What more could the universe want
in a tyrant?
Perfect body, perfect mind.
- Irresistible charm.
- Perfect psycho!
Psycho?
Time to come out and play.
Don't even think about it!
The hyperspace jump.
There's always something.
I'll make it up to you later, sweetheart.
Let me out of here, you bastard!
Oh yeah, this is fun!
Oh yeah, this is good!
Oh yeah,
I'm having a good time!
Cortez to Jump Control.
Set lock-in for Uroboris.
No pre-set lock-in.
Set co-ordinates.
Quadrant 9, sector 4013,
in the Terackian system.
Scanning location.
Warning. No return jump-port.
Please confirm lock-in.
Confirmed.
But, it'll take us forever
to get back!
That won't be a problem,
once we get there.
Look,
we'll never make it!
This thing's a death trap!
- It's gotten us this far.
- This far is nowhere.
Spacehawk in hyperspace equals death!
Stow the bag.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Jesus!
Are you nuts?
I'm not going to lose him now.
You can't just piggyback their jump!
A tractor beam! Are you insane?
We're going to rip to...
What the hell is that?
We've got company.
Excuse me, "company"?
What do you mean "company"?
See that blip?
It's like somebody hitched onto our jump.
That could change our trajectory.
I want them dead! Now!
Take 'em down!
But I've never heard of anyone
firing on a ship in hyperspace.
Do you have a better idea?
Do it! Now!
Man, that's su1c1de.
We lost them all.
- They're toast.
- Send the bomber.
But...
One more word, and I'll send you.
Shit!
We're hit! I knew it!
I knew it!
This is all your fault!
Do something!
The tunnel's breaking up!
We're not going to make it!
Oh, yes! Do it! Do it!
I sense the key is here.
For the moment, it is best
if Zeek and I assess the threat alone.
My ampoules.
No!
No!
I'm afraid it's down to you.
No. Please.
Lambert, damage report.
Lambert, I want a damage report!
Lambert?
Don't worry, I'm fine.
Yeah? Like I give a shit!
What's the status
on the double D-40s ammunitions?
We found a wheel.
Personnel?
Seventy...
Seventy-eight percent dead or missing.
Life-scan?
There's a town.
Looks like it's about
10 or 12 miles north of here.
Flight status?
You've got to be kidding.
Gather the weapons,
what's left of my men...
sh**t the injured. We're moving on.
Germaine?
Was it good for you?
I'll start you off like this.
The next step,
in three or four days,
depending on your production...
will be the body t*nk.
You're sick!
I'm a sick genius.
I can't breathe.
Get off my face!
What are you?
I'm Zeek, what are you?
You're so soft.
I'm harder than you think,
little stone man.
Please, you must not touch
my master Odin's property.
He's left me with the responsibility
to guard it.
Relax, your thing is safe with me.
Where is your master?
I am Odin.
Please excuse my little friend,
he takes his duties very seriously.
- What are you called?
- FAKK Julie.
Julie, soft. Very soft.
You're not from our world, are you?
Hardly. What is this place?
Uroboris. Some call it home.
Others call it hell.
My master says you come from the sky.
Do you have it? Do you have the key?
I don't know anything about a key.
I crashed here trying to k*ll a madman,
who won't stay dead.
I did see two fireballs.
The other was headed in the direction
of a city called Shantaar.
It's not far from here.
We'll take you there.
Yeah!
So please, come with us.
Tell me more about this madman.
Bastard named Tyler,
k*lled everyone I ever cared about.
Our legends say that
whoever carries the key,
becomes insane.
That's him all right.
I'm sorry. I sense your sadness.
It's hard to be the last of your people.
Not much of an army.
But it's a start.
Look. The ugliest one
seems to be sitting in my chair.
Hey, you, ugly!
Your mother is a Hectarian
whore's handbag!
Molten lava?
We have to cross this?
Yes, Shantaar lies on the other side.
- I hate this place.
- How are we going to cross?
I am Chartog, guardian of the Red River.
I know the way across...
and... and I will tell you.
You just have to...
kiss me.
No way.
What's the matter, my precious?
Don't you find me attractive?
If this is what it takes to k*ll Tyler....
That's a good girl.
Help your friends.
It will be over soon.
Who will I have to kiss to get back?
What are you doing?
We're waiting for you.
Son of a bitch!
Kiss this!
Your people have strange customs.
Tell me about it.
Mortality sucks, immortality sucks.
Everything sucks.
Oh, shit.
This really sucks.
Is he the one you search for?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah! Come on, Tyler!
Yes! Yes!
- Oh shit!
- I'm your new leader! Me!
Now we're up the creek.
When you k*ll someone...
make sure they're dead!
Yo, baby.
I am Tyler!
Your new lord!
Yeah!
Oh yes!
Yes!
Blind adulation makes me so horny.
Bring me a wench!
Master, he's the one
with the key, isn't he?
Yes.
And he's far too powerful
for us to deal with alone.
Leave that to me.
Julie, you are too impulsive.
Please, think about this.
- Think about what?
- The key.
- You don't understand.
- You worry about the key.
Tyler's mine.
She is letting her thirst for revenge
rule her mind.
Yes.
A little retro, but hey....
Where'd they find you?
I hear you're very special.
I've come a long way to meet you.
You're not a robot, are you?
Why don't you find out for yourself?
God, I could say I've died
and gone to heaven, but...
that wouldn't be true.
Which part, the dying or the heaven?
You.
I know I'm irresistible, but
what do you want?
I want you...
and what you have.
There's a price to pay for immortality...
and the universe is going
to pick up the tab.
How original.
Every king must have a queen.
Do you want me?
Take a wild guess.
Forever?
Shut up.
Not this time!
Bitch!
Time to die!
Die!
What are you doing?
- Stop!
- I can't!
The master told me!
You stupid little...
You stupid rock!
What does it take
to get laid around here?
I had him!
Ten more seconds, and he was dead!
We thought you were in trouble.
Julie, it's too late.
It's not just about you and Tyler.
What Tyler seeks lies
within the walls of the Holylands.
He will come...
...and we will all be judged.
What do you mean,
you can't find them?
How do you lose a 6-foot bitch
with a talking rock?
How do you do that?
- We looked everywhere.
- You idiots!
Gather the troops!
So, this is it?
I sure could use a drink
and a little social give and take.
Yeah.
Well, there goes that idea.
Zeek...
Can we stop for a moment?
I'm not as young as I once was.
I'll see what lies beyond.
Eden...
Eden was beautiful.
Then he destroyed it.
Master, come see!
It's time for the next phase.
Don't.
Please.
In five minutes,
you will lose all senses.
It will seem like a very peaceful dying.
What?
We have company.
What have they done?
- Kerrie!
- Julie!
I don't appreciate being disturbed.
Do you like this?
You shouldn't have done that.
Now, I'm really upset!
I am worried, Master.
The soft one has been inside too long.
Here, kitty, kity, kitty.
I know where you are.
I can smell you.
Help me!
- Kerrie, what about the others?
- They're all dead.
Come on.
Hang on to me.
It's okay.
Nearly there.
Hurry, run!
Isn't that where we crashed?
My ampoules!
No!
I've had it up to here
with that bitch!
When I find her,
I'll make her immortal...
so I can screw her and k*ll her...
every hour of every day
for all eternity!
We march on the Holyland now!
Where the key goes, horror follows.
All in the sacred name of immortality.
Why us?
Do your ancient books not teach you
about the Arakacians?
We have no ancient books.
They were destroyed
so our people could live in peace...
without the memory of past evil.
To forget history is
to allow evil to rise again, Julie.
More sinister and ruthless than ever.
- Is Tyler an Arakacian?
- He is not.
Many centuries ago,
the Arakacians discovered
an ancient tear...
in the fabric of the universe,
from which flowed a liquid...
capable of bestowing immortality.
They enslaved my ancestors...
and forced them to build a chamber...
in the Holylands to contain this...
unnatural power.
And so it was that the Arakacians
ruled in infamy...
until my people were able
to lock the chamber,
and cast the key deep into space.
Without their life-giving waters,
the Arakacians became mortal...
and we were finally able to defeat them.
But now Tyler has the key.
Yes. The key which holds
the promise of immortality...
but also renders its bearer insane.
Such is the curse.
The promise of immortality?
He's already invincible.
No. He is not.
The key is guiding him
to the everlasting waters...
but he has yet to reach them.
Why did he have to destroy Eden?
The Arakacians also occupied your colony...
and stored some of the liquid there
as they ravaged the universe.
Over time it seeped into the earth.
Your people absorbed traces of it
into their systems.
Which Tyler distilled from their bodies!
Yes.
Not enough to render him immortal...
but now he has the strength
to reach the chamber.
A whole people destroyed
because of the lust for power of one man.
It has happened before, Julie.
It will happen again.
Not with Tyler.
Welcome back, Master Odin!
- Odin, the key? ls it here?
- I'm afraid so.
As we speak, the carrier...
and the vile scum of Shantaar
descend upon our city.
We have done all we can to prepare.
We will fight to the death.
You?
You know each other?
He tried to save me at the school.
It was nothing.
And where did you meet?
We're sisters.
Sisters!
The elders have been k*lled!
The elders have been k*lled!
There's a traitor among us!
Warn the others!
There it is.
The Chamber of lmmortality,
that holds the everlasting waters.
The last one.
Everybody fight! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
Okay. This is going to suck!
Help me!
No!
You fool!
That was my last one!
No, no! Please!
Tyler.
- Thank you, soft one.
- Anytime.
Hey, assh*le!
You again!
Did you miss me?
You always hurt the ones you love.
Like this?
Hold that pose.
I'll be right back.
It's mine.
It's all mine!
Bring it on, bitch!
You're really starting
to piss me off!
You are not worthy of the Holy Waters!
Not today.
Remember this...
on your way to hell!
FAKK 2!
The insanity has to end now.
Now,
we must destroy the key.
Perhaps not!
Why?
Because...
I am Arakacian!
My charade fooled
the insufferable Holylanders!
And even that little stone idiot!
What makes you think
a pathetic mortal could stop me?
You fools!
You fools!
Now,
I must fulfil my destiny.
No!
No!
Zeek!
Stop!
- You must!
- Zeek, I command you!
Good-bye, soft one.
I'll never forget you.
No!
No, stop!
Julie!
It's over.
- Let me help you.
- Oh, no. He survived.
Are you okay?
What does it look like, you dickhead?
Eternity...
is a long time to spend alone.
What are you talking about?
Does this mean
we're all going to be immortal?
'Cause if that's true, you know....
Listen, I'm going to be around
for a long time.
Who took the key?
Does this mean we're friends now?
'Cause I've been putting up
with a lot of your crap, so...
l think it's payback time.
Come on, you know you love me.
Come on! Come on!
And so the key to the chamber
of immortality...
was once again cast out
into the silent gulfs of space...
with a new stone protector...
to guard it against evil.
Heavy Metal 2000 (2000)
Moderator: Maskath3
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