01x12 - Doug is Quailman/Doug Out in Left Field

[bunniefuu]

[ Yelps]

[ Barks]

[ Electric guitar playing]

[ Man singing scat]

[ Barks]

Cool! Whoa!

[ Thwack]

[ Barks]

Announcer:
far away in another galaxy
lies a strange planet

Populated with people
who possess powers

Far superior
to any known on earth--

Planet bob, birthplace of
the earth's most powerful hero:

Quailman!

And his faithful companion,
quaildog.

[ Barks]

Yes, quailman, strange visitor
from the planet bob

Whose lifelong mission on earth
is to do good.

Quailman,
whose quail-like powers

Give him the ability
to bob, dart

And stupefy all enemies with
his ever-powerful quail eye.

Quailman, fighting
a never-ending battle

For truth, justice
and the way of the quail.

[ Whistles]

Yes, it's...

...the adventures of quailman

Brought to you by me,
doug funnie.

Okay, porkchop,
sign your name, too.

[ Footsteps]

[ Hinge creaks]

[ Barks]

That's me.

Hey!

[ Barks]

[ Yelps]

Commissioned by planet bob's
council of elders

Quailman found a home on earth

Living in his top-secret hiding
place, the thicket of solitude.

Man on tv:
fertilize your
hair with flair...

Thanks, quaildog.

In the news

Mad criminal genius dr.
Klotzenstein is on the loose.

Also known as klotzilla

Baron von klotz

And the cyklotz

He is reportedly in bluffington

In the guise of bully
roger klotz.
Hmm, my archnemesis,
klotzenstein, in bluffington.

Quaildog, we must be
on the alert.

Hey, patti, I want you
to meet my aunt.

Your aunt's here?

Roger!

It's my aunt-phibian-- get it?

Come on, loosen up,
it's a science joke.

Very funny, roger.

Class, put your microscopes
away, it's time for a pop quiz.

Ooh!

Uh?

Huh?

Pop quiz! Sounds good to me.

Roger wants to take
a pop quiz?

Let's start with
miss mayonnaise.

Approximately
how many bones
are there

In the human body?

That's easy.

The human body
has...

Ooh, that's strange...

I knew the answer a second ago.

Allow me, professor ogee.

The human body contains

Approximately
separate bones.

That's right, mr. Klotz.

That's the first
correct answer from you

All year.

I could have sworn
I knew that answer.

All righty.

Miss bluff, which planet
in our solar system

Has the longest rotation
around the sun?

Well, professor ogee,
everybody knows

That would be...

Pluto, professor ogee-- pluto.

Exactly right!

Mr. Klotz, I don't know
what's gotten into you

But I'm certainly impressed.

I... I... I feel like my head's
just been emptied.

Your turn, mr. Valentine.

What's newton's
third law of motion?

Well...

Cool, man.

Hey, mr. Valentine,
does this sound familiar?

"For every action, there is
an equal but opposite reaction."

Assistant principal bone
should witness

This educational miracle.

Mr. Klotz, you're in charge;
I'll be right back.

All right, rubber heads,
guess who will ace this quiz.

What's happening,
what's going on?

That's right-- I'm stealing
all your smarty-pants answers

With my brain drain.

[ Cackles]

Ahh! Ahh! My brains!

[ Babbling incoherently]

Must...

Call...

For...

Help.

Help us, quailman.

Today professor ogee's science
class, tomorrow the world!

[ Laughs maniacally]

[ Whistles]

[ Whistle echoing]

Quaildog, hand me
the quail tweezers.

[ Whistle echoing]

That's the quail call,
the cry of someone in trouble.

This is a job for quailman.

And my faithful companion,
quaildog.

Thanks, skunky--
I've always wanted the equation

For a perfect arc to a spitball.

Look, there's a guy
with a belt on his head.

Cool.

Oh, quailman, you've come!

Quailman!

Aha! So we meet again,
dr. Klotzenstein.

Can anyone tell me,
what diabolical scheme

Is this madman up to?

[ Class babbling]

Okay.

They can't tell you anything.

I've stolen their brains
with this!

[ Laughs maniacally]

The brain drain!

That's right

And even you can't
stop me, birdbrain.

Surrender now, and I promise
a lenient punishment.

Get real!

Then you leave me no choice.

[ Whistles]

[ Growling]

Give up,
we've got you surrounded.

I've got
a better idea.

Join forces with me

And together we'll
have enough smarts

To rule the world!

And if I say no?

Then I'm afraid
I shall have to use...

This.

Arrivederci,quailman.

[ Screeches]

I... Must... Summon...
The other powers of the quail

Bobbing...

And darting.

[ Yowls]

Klotzenstein:
you can run, but you
can't hide, quailman.

Aha! What
have we here?

Quailman, this is
your last chance.

Give up.

Well, you've finally
outsmarted me, klotzenstein.

I... I surrender.

Go ahead, take my brain.

I knew you'd see it my way,
quailman.

Ahh! You tricked me!

Ugh! I just ate a fly.

Ribbet, ribbet.

Oh, what's happening to...

Ribbet.

...me?

I used my superior
quail-like ways

And now I will set right
what you have wronged.

[ Whistles]

[ Cheering]

You saved us!

I'm telling you,
lamarr, he's a genius.

Uh-oh.

Goodness gracious!

What's the meaning
of this hubbub?

No need to worry.

Everything is under control
and a-okay.

Hey, you with the belt,
do you have a hall pass?

No need for formalities.

I was just cleaning up
the classroom slime.

[ Fly buzzing]

Ribbet.

Help!

[ Fly buzzing]

I'm eating flies!

[ Fly buzzing]

So this is the genius
you were talking about?

Don't you worry,
professor ogee

This felon's
flunked out forever.

It's back to stamping
license plates for you

Dr. Frogenstein.

Fly away!

[ Cheering]

And in recognition for giving
the brains back to our students

I present quailman
and quaildog

With their very own
permanent hall passes.

Congratulations.

[ Applause]

Thank you, good people.

It is your never-ending trust

That makes me proud to be
at your service.

If you ever need my assistance,
just give the quail call.

[ Whistles]

Isn't quailman
the greatest?

[ Sighs]

Huh!

Why does quailman look
so familiar to me?

Good day, citizens.

Ready, quaildog?

[ Whistles]

Away!

All:
good-bye, quailman!

Come on, porkchop

What do you say we get
a couple of peanutty buddies?

Last one there
gets a brain drain!

Huh?

Watch it!

Oh, man.

Announcer:
now leading the league

With an astonishing perfect
batting average of ,

The catcher, patti mayonnaise.

Thank you!

Crowd:
patti! Patti!

[ Cheering, blaring of horns]

Announcer:
a solid triple.

And now the worst batter
in the league, doug funnie.

[ Crowd booing]

Come on, doug.

It's all up to you.

Stee-rike one.

Doug:
the only reason I'm in
this game is to help patti.

Stee-rike two.

Why couldn't she need help
with something I was good at?

[ Footsteps]

[ Hinge creaks]

[ Barks]

That's me.

Hey!

[ Barks]

[ Yelps]

Man:
listen up-- this is coach spitz.

Tryouts for
the school softball team

Will begin after school today.

If any of you... Boys

Are man enough to play,
be there.

Hey, we're boys--
maybe we're man enough.

What do we have
to lose?

We could be laughed
off the face of the
earth-- no way.

Yeah, but...

And don't think
you can change my mind.

Too small, you're out.

Knobby knees, hit the shower.

Too many elbows-- forget it.

You look like you
might be man enough.

Hit the field.

Thanks, coach.

Hmm, negative
muscle mass.

You're out.

But what about me, coach?

Negative brain mass.

Get off my field.

Yeah, off the field, girls.

[ Sighs]

Doug:
wow! Who's that kid?

I don't know,
but he's awesome.

You catch
like a man.

Let's see if you
can hit like one.

Right, coach.

Aren't you
going to take
that gear off?

Uh, it's my lucky mask, coach.

Oh.

Hey, you're definitely
on my team.

What's your name, son?

Mayonnaise.

Patti mayonnaise.

What!

What do you think
you're doing?

I think I made the team.

Not myteam.

Why not? I just showed you
I can do it.

This is a man's team.

Now, hit the showers.

The girls' showers.

It's just not fair.

Those guys are no
better than we are.

I don't know about me

But you were great.

You could beat them
all yourself.

Not by myself.

But...

Wecould.

Doug, you just gave me
a great idea.

I did?

How would you
like to play

On your very own team?

But we're
terrible.

Says who?

Coach spitz.

I say we can be
as good as anybody.

We just need a chance
to show it.

Coach spitz,
wait.

We're challenging
the honkers to a
softball game.

What?

Yeah, right.

Presenting
patti's pulverizers.

Are you man enough
to accept my challenge?

Hmm, coach spitz never
turns down a challenge.

Be here
saturday, noon.

We'll gladly kick your butts.

We'll be here.

Patti, we're
not a team.

They'll k*ll us.

But this is
our chance.

Y'all want to play, right?

[ Cheering]

All we've got to do
is stick together.

We'll practice tomorrow
at lucky field.

[ Imitating coach spitz:]
be there, or I'll
kick your butts.

Come on, really,
I'm counting on you.

Oh, great, she's counting onme.

Stee-rike three.

You're out.

[ Catcalls and boos]

Doug funnie,
how does it feel

To blow the world series,
ruin your career

And destroy your chances
with patti mayonnaise?

It was our first practice

And patti was doing
all she could

To turn us into a team.

Okay, I'm going to pop one up.

All:
I got it! I got it!

[ Shrieks]

I got it! Oops.

Okay... Let's just
try that again.

Patti, I don't want
to play anymore.

I'm hot and I'm sweaty

Plus I've got this ugly mark
on my forehead from this cap.

But beebe, if you quit,
we'll be one man...

I mean player, short.

[ Blows whistle]

Okay, let's try some
batting practice!
Let's go!

This was my big chance
to show my stuff.

I couldn't let patti down.

Way to go, doug!

Way to...

Patti:
heads up!

Nice catch.

[ Blows whistle]

Come on, guys.

So we had a bad start.

We got to start
acting like winners.

See you tomorrow.

Oh, man!

Patti wouldn't come out
and say it

But we all felt that
things were pretty hopeless.

Everybody looked so
down after practice.

I wish there was something
to inspire them

To make them feel
like a team.

Hey, patti,
hey, doug.

You could use
a cold peanutty buddy.

Yeah, sure.

Look for the man

In the mr. Swirly uniform.

Doug:
uniforms!

Announcer:
and here they are,
patti's pulverizers!

And don't their
new uniforms look great?

Doug:
uniforms!

Yeah, uniforms
would make us

Feel like a team.

But doug,
they're very expensive.

Very expensive...

Patti, leave the uniforms to me.

Yeah, heads up...
Catch that... Yeah.

[ Blows whistle]

Everybody, gather round.

We're a great team

Right?

But they have one thing
that we don't.

Talent?

No, uniforms.

You got us
uniforms?

Cool, man.

Well, sort of.

Doug?

Instant uniforms

Compliments of mr. Dink and
stick 'em up bumper stickers.

All right!

Nowwe look
like a team.

Uh, patti,
I asked mr. Dink

To make this one
especially for you.

Thanks, doug.

Okay, everybody, listen up.

When things get tough,
remember what your uniform says.

You're a pulverizer.

We all are.

Now, go out there
and pulverize them!

[ Cheering]

Patti:
okay, let's go get 'em!

Announcer:
and the honkers still lead,
two to zero.

And doug funnie strikes out.

Run, beebe, run!

Announcer:
and the pulverizers finally
make it to the big board!

Huh?

Gotcha!

Announcer:
the honkers pull ahead, -.

[ Yowling]

Patti:
okay, doug,
this is it.

There's two outs
and skeeter's on third.

Knock a home run
and we win.

Doug, you forgot
your batting helmet.

Thanks.

Doug!

You're left-handed!

Uh, yeah, is that bad?

Time out!

Time out!

Try batting this way.

Wow, that's
much better.

[ Crack]

Announcer:
holy cow, funnie hits a double!

[ Cheering]

Oh, boy.

If patti hits a home run,
we could win.

Spitz:
come on,
mayonnaise.

Announcer:
and it's anybody's game.

And it's going, going, going...

And she's out!

The honkers win the game!

Y'all, I'm sorry,
I let you down.

Who's let down?

They didn't
k*ll us.

That was fun...
Can we play again?

I'm proud to be a pulverizer.

[ Cheering]

Patti, you showed
a lot of guts.

You almost beat us.

Yeah, not bad
for a girl.

Not bad for anybody, son.

Now drop and give me .

[ Groaning]

Young lady, I've decided
to make an exception

And let you play
for the honkers.

Thanks, coach,
but I'm already on a team--

The pulverizers.

[ Cheering]

But you wanted to be a honker.

What captain would
desert her team

Just before a game?

Huh?

Coach spitz

The pulverizers
challenge you to a rematch

Same time next week.

[ Cheering]

Today I found out
that you can lose

And still feel like a winner.

Also, patti helped me
figure out

That being left-handed
can come in handy.

Uh-oh...
Well, ladies and gentlemen

The game has been canceled
on account of darkness.

[ Yelp]

Oh, sorry, porkchop.