02x11 - Doug's on Stage/Doug's Worst Nightmare

[bunniefuu]

( Yelps )

( Barks )

( Electric guitar playing )

( Man singing scat )

( Barks )

Cool! Whoa!

( Thwack )

( Barks )

Doug:
well, this was it--
the day the cast list went up

For bluffington's
annual founders' day pageant.

( Murmurs of disbelief )

( Bell rings )

Oh, hey, there's me!

I get to play
thaddeus bluff

The founder
of bluffington.

That's great.

Hey, look.

Roger's playing
grendel, the
brave horse--

The front half.

I wonder who gets stuck
playing the back half?

Oh, man.

Sorry, doug...
It's not that bad.

At least you get a tail.

( Gasps )

What?

Pageant director:
judy funnie.

Wow, man,
that's your sister!

Both:
oh, no!

( Footsteps )

( Hinge creaks )

( Barks )

That's me.

Hey!

( Barks )

( Yelps )

I couldn't believe it.

The school had actually
picked my sister

To direct the annual
founders' day pageant.

I guess everybody
really liked

That show she
did last year.

I bet that's why
they picked her.

Well, I just hope she won't do
anything to embarrass me.

Actors,
again, again.

Okay, everybody,
let's take it from the top.

Oh, by the way, dougie

You left these in the bathroom
this morning.

( Laughter )

Relax, judy's
pretty cool.

She won't pull
anything.

Yeah, maybe
you're right.

Help me!

You've got
to help me!

Save me, save me.

Calm down, lady.

We'll save you.

Save you from what?

From humiliation!

( All gasp )

Look at you.

You're pathetic
lumps of clay--

Clay that
I shall mold

Into actors
extraordinaire.

Shall we begin?

And... Action!

Judy, what are
you doing?

I'm inspiring
these clay lumps.

You'll inspire
them to quit.

This is your big chance
to express yourselves

To move the audience

To a new understanding
of founders' day.

Everybody, throw away
your scripts.

We're going to give bluffington

Something they've
never seen before.

Are you with me?

Will it get us
out of class?

Yes.

Wow, judy was
changing the play

And I wouldn't share
a costume with roger.

This would be
the best pageant ever.

Man:
now, presenting the award

For best school
pageant director

World-famous shakespearean
figure skater

Derek derekson.

And the award goes to...
Judy funnie.

Brava!

( Applause )

Thank you, but this award really
belongs to my brother doug

Without whose
brilliant performance

This pageant would have stunk.

( Applause )

Behold!

I am the spirit of all
who founded bluffington.

I am the explorer;
I am change;

I am the astronaut.

Skeeter, what
are you up to?

We're practicing
my lines for the pageant.

You don't mean the, uh...

Founders' day pageant?

Yeah, that's it.

It's going to be so cool.

Doug's sister updated it.

I'm playing thaddeus bluff
as an astronaut.

My great-great-granddaddy
played thaddeus bluff

In the founders' day pageant

And he was no... No...

Astronaut?

Yeah! We'll just see

Who's changing what
or my name isn't... Isn't...

Dad?

Exactly.

That's it.

Valentine:
mayor, many voters won't like

That their mayor allowed
some girl

To change a town tradition.

Yes, go ahead-- I'm all ears.

( Rapping: )
I am a pot roast
of hospitality.

I come with peas
to bluffington.

( Scats )

( Kazoo playing the blues )

Actors,
gather,
gather.

I am agog.

I am speechless.

We have awakened
the sleeping giant.

We have drained
the stagnant pond.

Mr. Bone:
I'll say we have.

All right, young lady

What's all
this brouhaha?

This, sir, is art.

What you see before you

Isn't just an astronaut,
green peas and a pot roast.

What we have here is the
death of a boring pageant

And the rebirth of history.

Excuse me, but
what we have here

Is a big fat pimple

On our beautiful
bluffington history.

Now, how do we
deal with a zit?

Excuse me, mr. Mayor.

I know how to talk to
bohemians like these.

The monkey business is over.

Get into your
traditional costumes

And as for you,
miss pageant-changer

I'm taking
over this show.

Shakespeare was fired from
his founders' day pageant, too.

I couldn't believe it.

Mr. Bone actually fired
my sister.

Funnie, I guess we're
playing horsey again.

( Laughs )

Well, bluffington got

Their boring, traditional
founders' day pageant back.

I guess that's the way
they wanted it.

Let's get this
show on the road.

I'll be out
there watching

So don't mess up.

Who will notice
if we mess up?

Everybody's going
to be snoring.

I'm just glad
judy won't see this.

( Applause )

This looks like a
good spot to settle.

What say you?

Hark, 'tis errant to settle
betwixt two forked trees.

Go get thee hence.

Yeah, go foundeth your town
elsewhere.

Patti:
prithee, tell us

Why 'tis errant to settle
betwixt two forked trees?

Left tree:
I don't know.

Just 'tis, that's all.

Probably the critic for
the big bluff daily news.

Must have heard
I was directing.

( All yawning )

Nay, I say, we
shall not be moved

From betwixt these two
trees which are forked.

Young man, you must ride
to fort lucky duck

And bring back food to
save us from starving.

Here, ride
brave grendel.

It shall be done.

Roger:
ow! Watch it, funnie.

Doug:
get your butt off my head,
roger.

( Snoring )

We're dying
out there.

That's a tradition, too.

Judy's right.

What good is a tradition
without meaning?

( Agreeing )

This town would not
have been founded

If bluff had acted
like us.

He didn't believe in
meaningless tradition.

That's a nice
little speech.

Thank you, sir.

Now, once again

( Judy's voice: )
with feeling.

( Kids gasp )

Judy!

Like the phoenix, I have
arisen from the ash heap.

I have come to resuscitate
this fetid pig.

Can somebody translate?

I'm going to help you
save this pageant.

Are you with me?

( Cheering )

Get into your other costumes.

You, don the pot roast.

Bluffina, get your wings on.

Dougie, man the bongos.

We've got a show to do.

( Snoring )

( Gong sounds )

( Woman screams )

What's that?

Behold!

I am the spirit
of all who founded bluffington.

I am the explorer;
I am change;

I am the astronaut.

Bluff to tower.

This is thaddeus bluff

Requesting clearance
for landing, over.

That's not in the script--
what's going on?

Come on, we'll put an end
to these shenanigans.

Put a sock in it, bone.

That's my boy.

( Rapping: )
it all started out
with this guy named thad.

♪ Thad, thad,
a guy named thad. ♪

A real cool idea old thad had.

♪ Cool, man, cool, man.

( Crowd gasps )

I am a pot roast
of hospitality.

( Scats )

I come with peas
to bluffington.

Pass the peas, please.

( Kazoo playing the blues )

( Applause )

Bravo! Magnificent!

What's happened?

I'm not sure.

That's my boy.

You pulled a fast one,
ms. Pageant-updater

But you won't get
away with it.

We'll do this pageant
until we get it right.

First, we get rid
of these costumes.

( Cheers )

What's going on here?

They liked it?

They really liked it.

Woman:
way to go, mr. Bone.

Take your bow,
mr. Bone.

Well, okay.

I don't think everyone
understood judy's version

But even a traditional town
can shake it up once in a while

And thanks to my sister judy

I don't think bluffington
will ever be quite the same.

( Yelling )

Doug:
it was no use.

It was a force bigger than me
and I was powerless to stop it.

Roger klotz was
in love with my sister judy.

( Screams )

( Footsteps )

( Hinge creaks )

( Barks )

That's me.

Hey!

( Barks )

( Yelps )

( Screaming )

How could we stop
beetra, the k*ller beet?

We must lure him

Into this giant
food processor.

Here he comes.

Doug and skeeter:
oh, man.

Announcer:
back to shakespeare on ice
starring derek derekson.

What are
you doing?

Change it back.

Why would I want

To watch derek derekson

The world's greatest
shakespearean figure skater

When I could watch

Bad actors terrorized
by a giant beet?

I knew
you'd understand.

Touch that tv
and you're dead.

To be, or not to be:

That is the question.

Oh, derek.

Come on,
we can watch

The rest of the movie
at my house.

Man, I wish
judy wasn't so...

Hey!

What's he want?

Maybe he wants
to cream you.

Cream me? Why?

He's roger.

He doesn't
need a reason.

Oh, great.

Roger, nice to see you.

Hey, funnie

How you doing,
old buddy, old pal?

Fine... What can
I do for you?

Can't a guy hang out with his
buddies without an inquisition?

Buddies?

What are you
up to today, doug?

( Sniffing )

You got a problem?

Are you wearing cologne?

It's jungle madness.

I always wear it...
Starting today.

He's probably trying

To steal your
homework or something.

Roger?

I'd never seen that look
in roger's eyes before.

It was almost as if...

Oh, no!

It's worse
than we thought.

He stole the silverware.

No, he's got
a crush on judy.

You should
have seen him

Looking at her.

What if roger started
hanging around here?

Yeah.

How's din-din, my sugar lumpkin?

Fantastic, suggie-uggie-uggie.

Please pass the
banana pudding.

Sure, funnie.

( Laughing )

Skeeter, what
am I going to do?

Wait a minute.

Roger sure doesn't seem
like the judy type to me.

Yeah, she goes for...

That's it!

You're brilliant.

Come on!

Who's the clown
on skates?

Doug:
oh, just derek
derekson, judy's idol.

Judy's totally gaga
over this guy.

Oh, derek,
you fabulous artistic genius.

So what you're
saying, doug

Is that judy only goes
for high-class guys?

That's right,
skeeter:

Guys that can quote
shakespeare while skating.

Well, got to go.

See you, funnie.

Both:
all right.

Shh!

Did you see
roger's face?

I actually felt
sorry for him.

Yeah.

I'll miss roger

Smelling like
jungle madness, though.

Doug, what's
the matter?

Roger:
whoa!

Whoa... I mean, whoa.

Roger?

Is that you?

What do you think, einstein?

Whoa! Catch me, catch me!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Hey, quit staring, would you?

Sometimes you bourgeois plebes
are so...

Pedestrian.

Huh?

What language
was that?

He's blown
a serious gasket, man.

She'd never go
for him, though,
do you think?

She's way too smart.

Your sister likes
weird stuff.

You've got a point.

Yo! You have
to come quick.

Shh!

"What light
from yonder window breaks?

"It is the sun, and
judy is the east!

"Arise, fair east
and moon thee and be a sun

Who's already sick
and peeling grapes..."

Your sister's
ruined him.

Now we're lacking
an adequate role model.

I'm having an
identity crisis.

Put a sock in it.

"It is my lady;
oh, it is my love."

Roger,
come back.

It's just a
phase, right?

Snap out
of it.

Yo! Methinks thou
protests too much.

But, roger!

Amscray.

Not you, funnie.

I want to talk to you.

Did your sister say

Anything about me
after I left?

No, but she only says
"I'm going to k*ll you" to me.

I'm going to get
her to notice me

If it's the
last thing I do.

Listen, roger.

You don't know
judy like I do.

She's not like other girls.

She's different.

Isn't it great?

Did you know we have
the same initials as
romeo and juliet?

( Humming )

Now I was sure of it--
roger had gone insane.

Then, this evening...

Roger:
"it is the sun

And judy is the east!"

Psst! Roger! Roger!

Roger:
"it is my lady.

"Oh! It is my love.

Oh, that she knew she were."

Won't you come to the window?

Nice try, romeo, but you're
about years too late.

Whoa!

Our house is
over there

But judy's at rehearsal
right now.

Oh, great.

Do you know how far I
had to carry this thing?

Doug, would you
just give her this note?

Uh, sure, roger,
I'll give it to her.

A note from roger!

Should I give it to her?

To deliver, or not to deliver:
that is the question.

I felt sorry for him.

Roger could barely spell
his own name.

How could he ever write
a love note?

For me?

Who's it from?

Oh, some guy.

It's a poem!

Don't be too hard on him.

"Who is judy?

"What is she
that all our swains commend her?

"Holy, fair, and
wise and great

Meet me at the honker
burger at :, roger."

Wait, give me that.

Roger wrote this?

He stole it from the
merchant of venice--

Except the
honker burger part

But what taste!

What's he like,
dougie?

Is he tall,
is he dark?

Is he romantic?

He's roger...
Roger klotz.

He was here last night.

I can't keep your
friends straight.

Is he blue?

No, that's skeeter.

This is roger!

Roger-- what a name!

What are you
going to do?

I've played this scene
a million times.

It's in all the best plays.

I know exactly
how to handle it.

I have a boyfriend,
a boyfriend.

What have I done?

I never should have given judy
that letter.

We have to stop her, porkchop.

But when I got to the honker
burger, I was too late.

We can't go on
like this.

Huh?

You think
it's wonderful

But I can see
it all now.

The two of us living
in a freezing little shack

Because you
gambled too much.

( Coughs )

Consumption.

Listen, judy...

Shh!
Not a word!

Well, i...

You find
someone else.

I am heartbroken.

You cad! Home-wrecker!

But you come crawling
back and I take you.

Just as the
postman arrives

With the letter telling
us of my inheritance

We die of the cold
in each others' arms.

( Cheers )

And so, mon ami,
for your sake

I bid you farewell.

Think well on me
when you will.

Adieu, adieu.

( Applause )

See, doug, I told you
I knew how to handle it.

Roger looked like he was pretty
destroyed by the whole thing.

Hey, look, roger,
I know how you must feel now

But in a few years,
when you look back...

What a loon!

You never said
your sister was a weirdo.

Actually, I did try...

She's even goofier
than you are.

Everything worked out okay.

I would only have to deal
with one insane person

At my house.

There was only one problem.

Hark thou,
knave.

What's with the
funny pants?

You're lucky I'm around
to keep you in line.

Yeah, but you called
us bourgeois plebes.

And pedestrian.

( Laughs )