01x04 - The Tainting of the Screw

[bunniefuu]

Oh, here it goes.

♪ Everybody out there
go run and tell ♪

♪ Your homeboys
and homegirls ♪

♪ It's time for
kenan and kel ♪

♪ They'll keep you laughing
in the afternoon ♪

♪ So don't touch that dial,
don't leave the room ♪

♪ Because they're always
into somethin' fun ♪

♪ And you don't
want to miss it ♪

♪ It's double k
like do the good way ♪

♪ Kenan and kel, or should
I say kel and kenan? ♪

♪ Then you gotta
watch kenan ♪

♪ 'Cause kenan be scheming
with a plan or a plot ♪

♪ To make it to the top

♪ But they're kinda
in the middle ♪

♪ Because they're always
gettin' caught ♪

♪ This ain't the hardy boys
or nancy drew mystery ♪

♪ It's just kenan and kel
in your vicinity ♪

♪ Like siegfried and roy
or abbott and costello ♪

♪ Magic and kareem
or penn and teller ♪

♪ Somebody's in trouble?
Oh, here it go ♪

♪ On nick nick nick nick
nick nick nick nick ♪♪

Right on, right on.

Thank you. Thank you.

O.k. I'm here to welcome y'all
to the show.

My name is kenan.

[Applause and cheers]

Thank you very much.
All right, all right.

Thank you.

Hey, where's kel?
I don't see kel.

All: yeah! Where's kel?

Kel knows what time
the show starts.

I mean, what? Do I look
like kel's mama to y'all?

[Whack]

What the...?

[Cheering]

Hey! Look at them.

Yeah.

How're y'all doing?
Sorry I'm late.

Y'all having fun, right?
Right?

[Cheering]

What are you doing?

What happened?

No. What is all
that stuff for?

Oh, you see, this is
a fishing rod,

And you catch fish
with it.

I know what it's for.

I'm saying, what are
you doing with it?

Catching fish.

Can I see the fish?

Yeah.

This is a tuna fish.

Soulman, let's start
our show.

Tonight's show starts off
like this.

See, what happens is...

See, there's...

Um, kenan, why are you
smiling at my tuna?

Oh, man,
I'm just thinking.

About what?

About you, me, tuna.

I gotta go, man.

Kenan, don't be thinking
about me and tuna, man,

Not smiling,
and stuff like that, bro.

Ah, here it goes.

Mmm!

That coffee
smells good, baby.

Mm-hmm. Be careful.

This coffee
is steaming hot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Morning!

Ow! Ow!

Good morning, kel.

Hey, mrs. Rockmore.
Morning, mr...

Hey, you got coffee
all down your shirt.

Gee, well, thanks
for informing me, kel.

Muffin!

Roger!

[Mumbling]

Hey, good morning,
everybody.

What's up, kel?
Hey, good morning, mom.

Pop, what's happening?

[Mumbling]

What's with dad?

[Mumbling]

Oh, I see.

So, what are you boys
up to today?

Oh, you know, we're gonna
watch that bulls game.

Chicago b--b--bulls!

Hey. Jordan with a tomato.

He's dribbling,
he's dribbling.

Passes to pippin.

Pip has the ball.

Time's running out.
He's dribbling.

Drives through the hoop,
passes to pippin.

Oh, slam-dunk!

Don't ever hit me
with a tomato again, o.k.?

No, sir.

Come on, roger.
We're late.

Hey, where y'all going?

We have to take aunt bertha
to the doctor.

Why?

She's all puffy.

Listen, kenan.
If you want
some lunch,

There's a can
of tuna fish

In the pantry, o.k.?

Don't make a mess.

Oh, we will, you know.

Kenan?

I'm just playing.
We won't. Bye.

O.k. See you boys
later.

O.k.

Pass me the mustard out
the refrigerator.
Thank you, man.

♪ Fa-la-la-la tuna,
la tuna fish ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la tuna,
la tuna fish ♪

♪ Gonna eat lots
of tuna, la tuna fish ♪

♪ Gonna eat lots
of tuna, la tuna fish ♪

Whoo!

♪ Tuna, tuna

♪ Tuna, tuna

♪ Tuna...♪

Whoa!

Hey, I gotta go see
the game start.

You gonna be all right
by yourself?

O.k.

Drrrr!

Aw, man! Kel, come on.

They're about
to tip off.

Hey, bring my sandwich,
you know.

So what's
your prediction?

I say the bulls by .

Yeah? I say bulls
by .

Hey, man. You can't predict
the same thing I do.

That's not fun.

Give me...

[Choking]

Shh. I'm trying
to watch the--

[Gagging]

Hey, what's up?!
Man, what's up?

Are you choking?

Mm-hmm.you're choking?!

I'll call !

You're hungry?

[Gagging]

Heimlich maneuver?
O.k. All right!

All right. Hold on!

I did it! Get off!

Get off!

Man. I just got
one question.

What?

Did I look hungry?

Well, you were pointing
at your tummy.

What happened?

Something got stuck
in my throat.

Hey.

Man, there was a screw
in my tuna!

A screw?!a screw!

A screw?!

Ugh!

I told you.

It's a screw, all right.

This was in your can
of tuna fish?

Yes, man. I almost choked
to death.

Yeah. I had to squeeze it
out of him.

Did you pay
for that?

I read a story
about a woman

Who went into
a fast food restaurant

And found half a frog
in her fried chicken.

Where was the other half?

Try not to speak.

Anyway, she sued
the restaurant

And won something
like , bucks!

, Bucks,
just for finding
half a frog

In some fried chicken?

Yes. Are y'all thinking
what I'm thinking? Huh?

Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, cowboy!

We gotta find
the other half
of that frog.

No, man! Listen.

We...are gonna
sue the fishfolk,

And get rich!

You don't wanna
sue them, do you?

Yes, I do! Do you know
a lawyer we can call?

Sure. My cousin's
a lawyer.

Hey! My cousin's
in the circus.

So?

So chris tells me you
found some hardware

In your tuna lunch.

Yes. Now, if we actually
sue this tuna company,

How much money do you
think we can get?

Well, in cases like these,
it's not unusual

To ask for
as much as , --

Million.

You're dribbling, man.

M--m-- m--m...

M--$ million!!!!!!

Possibly.oh!

Do you know what
we can buy with
million bucks?

Stuff?

A lot of stuff!

Just 'cause of a screw?

There's no telling
what kind of damage
that screw caused.

Yeah, yeah.
I do feel damaged.

So you want me
to handle the case?

Yeah. Wait a second.
What do we have
to pay you?

Whatever money
you guys win,
I get %.

%.

No! I know someone
who'll handle it
for free.

My cousin from the circus?

No, man. Me.

Can we talk
about this
for a minute?

Hey. Millionaires
don't have time
to talk.

But, kenan.

Attention all news media.

Now what you doing?

I'm typing up a letter

To fax to all
the press people.

You know, radio, tv,
newspapers.

We're having
a press conference.

For what?

So that...oh!

Phew! So that everyone
will find out what happened,

Feel sorry for me,

Then that'll help us win
that $ million.

Million bucks.

Whoo! Can you imagine that?

Man, what you gonna do
with all that money?

Well, see...oh!

$ Million.

[Sighing]

Whoo, kenan, I got
the new high score!

Well, then that
deserves $ , .

Wow, thanks!

You're welcome.
Call me later.

Hey, having a good time?

I just lost again.

Take $ , . Forget
about it, o.k.?

O.k. Thanks.

All right. Hey, baby.
Looking good today.

Here's $ , for you, huh?

Hey, kenan.
Another great party, bro.

I appreciate it.

Can I have something
to drink?

Oh, yeah. Waiter?

Yes, sir.

A drink for my friend kel
and his ladyfriend.

Of course.

Here's $ .
For you, huh?

Thank you, sir, boss.
Bless you.

Thank you, thank you.

Mom, dad,
how's everything going?

Oh, good.

Everything
is just great!

Everywhere I go,
people keep
complimenting

My new diamond
earrings!

Oh, thank you,
kenan.

You're welcome.
What you got there, pops?

Oh, that's that new sailboat

I was telling you about.

Nice.i like the red.

Naw, I like the white.

Here. Take $ ,
and get both, huh?

Oh, thank you, son.
I'm proud of you.

You're welcome.
Hey, kel!

Turn up my new $ , ,
stereo system, please.

All right, bro.

[Music plays]

Man, that would be
the life, wouldn't it?

Sure.

Did you ever dream
about being rich?

Sure.

Oh, yeah? What do you
dream about?

Ham! Ham!

Oh, ham!

Ham!

Ha ha ha ha ha ham!

You're sick, man.

I enjoy ham.

[Meow]

Excuse me, excuse me.

Kenan will now take
your questions, everyone.

You, ma'am?

Did you actually
swallow the screw

You found
in the can of tuna?

Well, almost. See,
I choked on the screw,

But luckily my friend kel
was there to squeeze me,

And it popped right out
of my throat.

You, sir.

Thank you. I understand

You're suing luna tuna
for $ , .

Why so much?

'Cause I'm damaged.
See, I now suffer

From post-tuna
stress disorder.

What's post-tuna
stress disorder?

Oh, you see, every time
kenan sees a can of tuna,

He freaks out and stuff,
like this. Watch this.

[Whispering] you see
the tuna, tuna?

And I'm also scared
of fish.

And I have nightmares.

What kind
of nightmares?

Well, see, there
was this one

Where I was eating lunch,

And all of a sudden I was
att*cked by a giant screw!

[Crying]

And I also have the jitters.

And the heebie-jeebies.
They're all around me,
they're all around me!

If you ask me, you ought to sue
luna tuna for million.

All: yes, million.

No, I don't wanna be greedy.

Million would do just fine,
don't you think?

[Telephone rings]

Rigbys. Yeah,
he works here.

Hold on.

Kenan, it's for you.
Make it snappy.

This is kenan.

Oh. Oh, I see.

Well, my associate and I

Might be willing
to consider an offer.

Mm-hmm. Tomorrow.
: . Yeah. Sure.

We'll be there. All right.

O.k. Yes, yes, yes!

Who was it?

That was the vice president
of the luna tuna corporation.

What'd he want?

They wanna meet with us
tomorrow

To discuss a possible
cash settlement!

Ha ha! Celebration!

Hey, hey, hey!
Oh, you got it moist.

Yes!

Gentlemen, lady.

Kenan, kel. I'm henry luna,
president of luna tuna
corporation.

How do you do?

How do you do?

[Clears throat]

Give it a break.
Sit down!

Gentlemen, I don't want
to b*at around the bush.

Hey, me neither.

Ha ha ha ha.
My great grandpa luna

Founded luna tuna
corporation.

He loved and respected
tuna fish,

And those who ate them.

But if he about
this screw scandal,

Well, it would k*ll him,
if he weren't already dead.

Well, sir, the last thing
we want to do

Is taint your fine
tuna reputation.

I'm glad to hear
you say that.

However, I have suffered
many damages

As a result
of that mislaid screw.

I agree completely.
That's why we're ready
to make you an offer.

Oh, I see.
And what is this offer

That you are...

Offering?

We're prepared
to offer you, kenan,

A lifetime supply
of luna tuna.

Yes!!!!!

What?!!!!

All the tuna
you can eat.

And all the screws
I can choke on too,
right?

No! I came here
to get $ million,

Not million
tuna, luna.

All right. $ , .
Take it or leave it.

Take it.

I'm leaving it!

, .

That's my final offer.

Bye-bye. See you in court.

He don't know who...

Wait!

$ Million to drop
the lawsuit.

$ Million?

And the lifetime
supply of tuna?

Sure.

Take it.
Please take it!

Easy, man. Easy.

What's it gonna be?

Take it!

$ Million.

Take it. Take it,
take it!

No!

This is an outrage!

Look, man. Luna tuna
was guilty

Of improper tuna canning,

Which led to my personal pain,
distress, aquatic fever,

And general
tuna-induced discomfort.

Because of you,
I am now paranoid!

♪ Mm-hmm

I am traumatized.

♪ Well ♪

And fish-a-phobic!

Right.

Now, I demand $ , million.

Now, what you got to say
about that?

That's right!
That's my man
throwing down!

I know my bill of lefts,
doggone it.

I know my constipation,
know what I'm saying?

Hey, I ain't
going nowhere.

Hey. What?

O.k. Yeah.
I'll see you in court!

This will work.
Now, the judge
is gonna be here,

This is you
at the witness stand,
and that's the jury.

The monkey can't stay
with the giraffe.

I was just saying,
'cause he...
Might wanna....

Happy?

Yeah, yeah.

Now, I'm gonna ask you
some questions.

You just give me
the answers.

Thank you.
Now, mr. Kimball,

Where were you
on the morning

Of saturday,
october ?

I don't think the monkey
should be so close
to the tiger.

Will you forget
about the monkey?!

There. No more
monkey, o.k.?

That's jury tampering.

Hush! Now,
where were you
saturday morning?

Thk u.no
here.

Yo ddyte
a muffin.

Then what?

Then I hit him
with a tomato.

Then what?

He became angry.

The tuna, man.
Get to the tuna!

I can't do this, man.
You're making me nervous.

Yes, you can.
Look, you're my
eyewitness

To the tuna trauma,
all right?

You will testify.

Just think
happy thoughts.

Ham...

Ham.

We're gonngo
over this

Until you get it right.

O.k., One more time.

Go.

Mr. Kimball,
where were you

On the morning
of saturday,
october ?

At the home of my friend
kenan rockmore.

For what purpose?

To view
a basketball game.

What happened prior
to that game?

Kenan constructed
a tuna fish sandwich.

Type of tuna?

Luna fan aacore.

What did kenan put
on that sandwich?

Um, mustard.

Bread?whole wheat.

Anything else?

Not to my knowledg

What happened next?

Kenan bit the sandwich.

Was it a happy time?

No.why not?

Kenan began to choke!

How?like this!

[Babbling]

What did you do then?

Heimlich maneuver.which means?

I squeezed him.and then?

An object popped out
of kenan's mouth.

Is this that object?!

It is!

Tell the court
what it is.

It's a screw!

The offense rests!

We, the jury,
award kenan and kel
$ million!

Ha ha ha ha!

♪ What's up, what's up

♪ What's up, what's up,
what's up ♪

♪ What, what, what,
what's up ♪

♪ What's up, what's up ♪

Plaintiff, prepare
to make a statement.

Is the plaintiff prepared
to make a statement?!

Hey, you'd think
the plaintiff would
wanna be on time.

You know,
they are late?

Ain't got no future
in the law business.

What's this?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Am I bad?

Yes, ma'am. I'm ready.
I'm ready.

Please proceed.

All right.
I shall proceed.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

I, kenan rockmore,
the plaintiff...

I am here to tell you
a sad story,

About a young teenage boy
and his trauma

With a can of tainted tuna.

Exhibit a.

Bailiff, please show
exhibit a.

It's an empty can
of tuna.

An empty can of tuna.
And exhibit b?

It's a screw.

Ah! A screw.

Now I would like to call
my first witness,

Mr. Kel kimball.

I would like to call
the first witness!

Kel kimball.

Get up there, man!

Why are you following me, man?
What's up, what's up?!

Kel kimball, do you swear
to tell the truth,

The whole truth, and nothing
but the truth?

Don't hurt me.

What's up?ye

I don't know.
I got this.

Mr. Kimball,
would you care

To tell the court,
in your own words,

What happened
on the morning
of october ?

[Crying]

I did it! I did it!

Kenan, I'm sorry, man!

I did it!
It was an accident!

I didn't mean it!

I...dropped the screw

In the tuna!

I...!

Dropped the screw
in the tuna!

It was me!

Oh, the humanity!

You're crazy!

I...dropped the screw
in the tuna!

I...dropped the screw
the tuna!

Don't take me to jail, man!
Don't take me to jail!

I...dropped the screw
in the tuna!

Kenan, we're still boys,
right?

We're still boys, right?
I'll lay you, man.

I...dropped the screw
in the tuna!

I...dropped the screw
in the tuna!

I..dropped the screw
in the tuna.

I...dropped...the sc...

[Crying]

In the tuna.

No more questions.