01x12 - Diamonds Are for Roger

[bunniefuu]

Oh, here it goes.

♪ Everybody out there
go run and tell ♪

♪ Your homeboys
and homegirls ♪

♪ It's time for
kenan and kel ♪

♪ They'll keep you laughing
in the afternoon ♪

♪ So don't touch that dial,
don't leave the room ♪

♪ Because they're always
into somethin' fun ♪

♪ And you don't
want to miss it ♪

♪ It's double k
like do the good way ♪

♪ Kenan and kel, or should
I say kel and kenan? ♪

♪ Then you gotta
watch kenan ♪

♪ 'Cause kenan be scheming
with a plan or a plot ♪

♪ To make it to the top

♪ But they're kinda
in the middle ♪

♪ Because they're always
gettin' caught ♪

♪ This ain't the hardy boys
or nancy drew mystery ♪

♪ It's just kenan and kel
in your vicinity ♪

♪ Like siegfried and roy
or abbott and costello ♪

♪ Magic and kareem
or penn and teller ♪

♪ Somebody's in trouble?
Oh, here it go ♪

♪ On nick nick nick nick
nick nick nick nick ♪♪

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, stop it.

All right. Thank you.
Thank you.

So how is everybody?

My name is kenan, and this...

All right, where's kel?

Does anybody know
where kel is?

'Cause I wanna know.

Kel? Kel?!

Come on, kel. Come on, kel!

Now, see, this happens
much too often.

You understand
what I'm saying? Kel!

Ke...ooh.

Um, kel is--kel's napping.

Napping?

Yeah, when you sleep
for a short time.

I know what a nap is!

Just bring kel here.

Yes, sir.

[Wheels rolling]

Oh, I don't
believe this.

Kel. Kel!

Kiss me, mr. Kangaroo.

Kel. Wake up, baby.

Mama made some
breakfast for you.

Come on, kel.

Oh, yeah.
Tell me I'm pretty.

Put me in your pouch.

[Whistle]

Aaaggggghhhhh!

Wake up!

What's wrong with you?!

You scared teddy
half to death.

He's all in shock.

Kel, can we start
the show, please?

Sorry, man.

Thank you. How about it
for kel, y'all?

Ha ha. Whoo!

Yeah.

What's up, everybody?
All right, now.

Do you want
to tell the people

What tonight's show
is about?

All right. Tonight's show
is about kenan and me.

Kel, every show is
about you and i,
genius.

Oh, thanks, man.

Look, forget it,
all right?

I know what we can do

To get
this show started.

Uh-huh, I know
just what to do.

Let me borrow
your teddy bear.

Hush! Come on, teddy.

Don't kidnap my bear!
That's bear-napping.

Kenan, what you mean
you know what to do?

Kenan? Oh, here it goes.

Here's a piece
with blue on it.

Let me see.

It doesn't fit.

None of these
pieces fit!

Months out of
my life wasted
on a puzzle!

Here. Try this piece.

Sugar, hand me
the tv clicker,
would you?

Thank you.

Daddy!what?!

That's cheating.

It's my puzzle.

I'm telling mom.

Hey, come back here.
Come back here.

Come back,
tattle-tale.

Mom!

Kenan?

Yeah, what's up, man?
Where you been?

To pick up the pizza.
Where you want it?

Set it down
anywhere.

All right.

All right, kenan. Hurry up.

Aaaagggghhhhhh!

Aaagggghhhhhh!

What happened?

I wanna
know who's responsible!

Who's responsible?

I'll see y'all later.

Pop! Pop, please! He's got
his whole life ahead of him.

I'm just a child.

Oh, roger,
come on upstairs.

You can start
a new puzzle
tomorrow.

No. I hate all puzzles.

All right, relax, man.

Your daddy scares me.

I know. Come on.
Let's watch some tv.

All right.

Tv: did I do that?
Hee hee hee.

Why don't you do
the half-flip?

And now, you can help us catch

The most dangerous fugitives
onamerica's criminals.

Ooh, america's
criminals.

Let's watch that.

Yeah, cool.

Man, I love this show.

Remember when
that big old cop

Arrested that
obnoxious dude
from mississippi?

Yeah. Check it out.

[Hocking and spitting]

[Humming]

[Knocking]

Open up.
It's the po-lice.

[Humming]

[Humming fades]

Excuse me, son.
Do you know you were

Driving backwards
on a sidewalk?

Oh, why don't you just
get outta my face?

Why don't I just--
boy, you're under
arrest, son.

I'm gonna kick
your behind.

You're gonna kick
my behind?!

Step out the vehicle.

Let me roll
my window up.

Step out the vehicle.

[Mimics tires
screeching]

No, you don't!
Driving away--

Oh, oh!

[Mimics car engine]

Hey, look.
The show's back on.

Our first criminal tonight

Is wanted by both
the police and the f.b.i.

They call him
the diamond bandit.

Ooh! The diamond bandit.

The diamond bandit stole
$ million worth of diamonds

In the biggest jewelry heist
in the history of chicago.

Did you hear that?

The diamond bandit
hit right here
in chicago.

Luckily he was caught

On the jewelry store's
video surveillance camera.

See if you can recognize
this bad guy.

The diamond bandit
looks a little bit
like your daddy.

Yeah. A little bit,
I guess.

Now watch it again.

We've enhanced the video tape

To help someone recognize
this slippery thief.

The diamond bandit looks
a lotlike your daddy.

Well, maybe...uh...

Based on the video

And several
eyewitness descriptions,

Our police artists
have drawn this sketch

Of the diamond bandit.

The diamond bandit
isyour daddy!

But...but...he...

♪ Bad dad, bad dad,
what you gonna do ♪

♪ What you gonna do
when they come for you ♪

♪ Bad dad, bad dad ♪

Oh! Why'd you do it,
mr. Rockmore?

Ohhhhhhh!

It's impossible.
I know my own father.
He wouldn't steal.

Look, you better wake up
and smell your daddy.

Hello. Excuse me.
I want to buy some peanuts.

When you visit
your daddy in prison--

He's not going
to prison.

Young man, please?
Peanuts?

You think we can get a reward
for turning him in?

We're not
turning him in.

You think he's gonna
turn himself in!

Will you
get it through
your fuzzy head?

My father is not
the diamond bandit.

I want to buy
some peanuts.

Yeah? Well, they're
right over there.

I already found
the peanuts.
See here?

I wonder if your mama
was in on it.

Maybe she drove
the getaway car.

I wish you'd get away.

Is there someone else
I can talk to?!

Look, we're gonna have
an argument about this.

Roger!
Hey, how 'ya been?

How's it doing, nate?

Can't complain.
What can I do for you?

It's my th wedding
anniversary next week,

And I wanna get my wife
a gift.

And it's gotta be
something good.

Is that little kyra?

Sure is.

The last time
I saw you,

You were a tiny
little thing.

Last time I saw you,
you had hair.

Nice, nice.

Sorry about that, nate.

So, what you got
for me?

I don't know.
Depends on what
you're looking for.

Let's see some diamonds.

Does the little girl
like diamonds?

Yeah. Does the old man
have some?

Cute. Cute.

Kyra.

Ha ha ha.
Here you go.

What do you think?

Both: ooh!

Look at
all the diamonds.

Don't drool on them.

Hey, remember when
my bicycle got stolen?

Maybe your daddy did it.

Please sell me
some peanuts.

My father
is not the thief.

Then who is?

I don't know.i know.

Who?your daddy.

I'll give $
for these peanuts!

I can't believe
my best friend

Is the son
of a bandit.

I can't believe
my best friend
is a dufus.

Excuse me! Where do you
think you're going
with those?

Did you pay
for those nuts?

No. But I tried--

Give me those.

I know your type.

You think that
just 'cause you're
weak and frail,

You can get away
with anything.

Not in my store, granny.
Now b*at it!

But I just want--

Go on, scram!

Ohhhhh!

[Groaning]

Weasel.

It's o.k., Chris.
Shake it off.

I'm o.k. I could
have taken her,

But she sucker-punched me.

You'll get her
next time.

Oh, by the way, kenan.
Mother and I were watching

America's criminals
last night.

I think I saw your daddy.

See?

Hush. My papa's
not a thief.

I know. He's a bandit.

Will you stop it?

My father is honest.

He can't be
the diamond bandit.

But we saw him.

And looks
can be deceiving.

Remember that time
that girl thought

You looked intelligent?

Oh, yeah.uh-huh.

Hey, boys.

Mom! What's up?

I was in the neighborhood,

So I thought I'd stop by.

Where is your laundry
detergent?

It's right over there.

[Whispering]

Mom, let me
ask you something.

Um...have you
noticed anything

Peculiar about pop?

Your father?

Hmm. Well,
he shaves his back.

Thank you for sharing.
Anything else?

Does he have
a new bicycle
that looks the one

Someone stole from me?

Kel!

Magnificent.

Not too shabby, huh?

How much?

For your pop, , .

Dollars?

No, fish sticks.

I cannot afford $ , .

So put it on
your credit card.

Kyra!

Listen to your daughter.

I don't know, nate.

You're an old friend.

Why don't you just
take them home

And look them over
and think about it, o.k.?

And you'll get back
to me.

Mama said
that if you

Do not get her
an anniversary
present,

That she is going to--

O.k., Let's go.
See you later. See you later.

Roger? Kyra?
Is that you?

Quick. We gotta hide
the diamonds.

[Whispering]

Um, mom?
What's for dinner?

Roger?

Coming dear.

[Shrilly] oh!

Diamonds!

What you gonna do?

What you gonna do
when they come
for your daddy?

Come on, kel.

But I don't wanna be
in a police station.

Why?

What if they know
about that time

You and I held up
that convenience store?

We were years old,
and we stole pieces
of bubble gum.

Shh!

Um, excuse me, sir.

I'll be with you guys
in just a minute.

Just have a seat
over there.

O.k., Cool.

Hello.

Hi, there.

They arrested you?

Uh-huh.

What for?

I was just fixing
a guy's teeth.

Oh, so you're
a dentist.

Nooooo!

Man, can you
believe that guy

Ripped out
somebody's teeth?

Yeah, and he's not even
a dentist.

Oh, excuse me, miss.

Hey, watch
where you're going.

[Both gagging]

Can I help
you gentlemen?

I wanted to ask you
a question.

So ask.

Um...

What's the penalty
for stealing bubble gum?

What?

Look, forget him.
I wanted to know

If you ever heard
of a guy called...

The diamond bandit.

Heard of him?
The guy has stolen

Like $ million
worth of diamonds.

I--i see. I have
another question.

Um, what would
happen if,

Hypothetically speaking,

What would happen
if the diamond bandit

Were to turn himself in?

Hypothetically speaking.

That maggot would spend
the rest of his life

Rotting in a jail cell,
that's what.

I see.
One more question.

Uh, what would happen
if the maggot

Were to put
the diamonds back?

What, you mean like return them
to the jewelry store?

Yeah, something like that.

I don't know.
Maybe things

Would go a little
easier on him. Why?

Oh, no, no reason.

No, we're just curious.

Just curious kids out
for a stroll.

A little fresh air.

Both: oh, oh, oh!

I'm telling you,
my plan's foolproof.

You always say that.

You have all the proof,

And I end up
being the fool.

That makes no sense
at all.

I'm not sneaking
into that jewelry
store at night.

It's illegal.

We're sneaking in
to return the diamonds.

That's the honest thing
to do.

We gotta put
those diamonds back.

Kenan, read my lips.

No.

Read my lips.

Oh, do that again.

No, man! Look, I need you.

I can't put
those diamonds back
by myself.

We're gonna get caught.

Would you just listen
to my plan, please?

I'd rather not.

Look. We gotta put
those diamonds back,

Or else my father's
gonna end up in jail.

I'll visit him
on weekends.
No!

How about tuesdays?

This is what we're
gonna do, all right?

Help!!!!!!

I want you to find
some clothes that
are all black.

Then we're gonna sneak
around the side

Of the jewelry store.

Ugh!

Man, where is he?!

[Thud]

You got the diamonds?

Yeah. You got
the clothes?

Yeah. Check it out.

Kel! These are scuba
diving suits.

You said find some clothes
that were all black.

But we're sneaking
into a jewelry store,

Not a submarine!

Can't you do
anything right?

Must you continually
damage my self-esteem?

Wait, wait, wait.

Just give me a suit.

O.k., Kel. Come on.
Hurry!

All right.
I'm coming.

[Bang] ow!

Watch your foot. Ow!
Watch it. Ow! Look--

Ow. Ow.

What are you doing?

My foot's stuck.

Would you get down, man?

What's with the snorkel
and the mask?

I'm all dizzy.

Get down from there, man.

Get down. Get down!

Aaagggghhhhh!

Well, no wonder
your foot got stuck.

Why did you wear
the flippers?

It's part of the suit.

Well, would you take
them off, frog boy?

[Crash]

[Glass shatters]

Nice toss.

Sorry.

Oh, look what you did
to the ceiling!

Oh, that's a big hole.

Just give me the diamonds

And let's get outta here,
all right?

O.k.

Huh.

What's wrong?

The safe's already open.
That's weird.

Oh, well.

Wow!

[Door slams]

Hey, man. What'd you do?

I closed the door.

Why?!!!!!

I'll just open it
back up.

[Handle turning]

[Pounding on door]

It won't open!
Why won't it open?

'Cause it's a safe!
That's what safes do.

What are we gonna do?

Uh...give me
the flashlight.

O.k.

All right,
hold the diamonds.

All right.

Cool. Now I can see
what I'm doing.

What's up?

Both: aaaaggggghhhhhh!

Oh, god!

K--k--k--k--k--kenan!

Huh?

I think maybe that's
the diamond bandit.

You think?

Kenan!!!!!!

What?

I sure wish
the diamond bandit
was your daddy.

I sure wish you hadn't
closed the door.

Oh!

Give me that.

Sure. You can keep it.

Mr. Dim--mr. Bandit.
Sir diamond.

Um, I guess you're kind
of mad at us

For closing the door, huh?

Yes, I am!

Both: oh, ooh!

Uh...

[Police sirens]

Ooh. And now I bet
you're really mad.

[Growls] uh-huh!

Both: aaaagggghhhh!

Well?

Almost.

Got it.

Both: he did it!

Take the bandit.
Get him outta here.

Oh, get him.
Get him.

Yeah.

All right.

Ooh.

You kids wanna tell me
what's going on?

See, we--we can explain.

It's kind of funny,
really.

Start talking.

It all started
when kenan's daddy
stole some diamonds.

No, he didn't, clown!

Um, see--see my father
is big and bald too.

So--so we found
these other diamonds

And we were gonna
put them back,

But--but the diamond bandit

Was in there
messing around

And all kinds of stuff.

Where? Show me.

Right in there.

Now, don't touch anything.

He was messing around.

Then I closed
the door like this.

Wait a minute.
Don't do that!

No!!!!!

Why?!!!