03x15 - Monica

[bunniefuu]

Fine! If that's the way you feel,

I never want to speak to you again!

Hey, lori beth. Come on, we gotta go start the show.

I'm not doing the show! I'm too upset!

About what?

I got in a fight with the big ear of corn.

You're best friends.

Not any more.

I never want to speak

To that large yellow vegetable as long as I live!

Lori beth, think about

What you're saying.

You and the big ear of corn

Have had some great times together.

I don't recall any great times.

Well, maybe we should take a look at this photo album

And refresh your memory.

Ah. There you guys are

In italy together eating pizza.

There you guys are at your slumber party you had last year.

Driving up the coast to carmel.

Bath time.

Roasting marshmallows in yellowstone.

What was this?

That's when we won

The tennis doubles championship

At the olympics.

Ah.

Ah. The big ear of corn's tenth birthday party.

I...i made that cake myself.

Ah, what good friends you two are.

Next picture.

There you guys are

When you were in kindergarten together.

[Sobs] oh.

I'll leave you two alone.

Oooohhhhh!

Oh, I'm sorry. No, it was my fault.

No, it was mine.

Oh, let's just go do the show.

After you.

No, after you. No. Oh!

Captioning made possible by nickelodeon and u.s. Department of education

Fresh out the box.

Stop, look, and watch.

Ready yet? Get set.

It'sall that.

♪ Oh

♪ Uh-oh

♪ This is all that♪

♪ This is all that♪

♪ Check it, check it

♪ Now, this is just an introduction ♪

♪ Before we blow your mind ♪

♪ The show is all of that ♪

♪ And yes, we do it all the time ♪

♪ So sit your booty on the floor ♪

♪ Or in a chair

♪ On the ground or in the air ♪

♪ Just don't go nowhere

♪ 'Cause everything we do

♪ Is all of that

♪ We're entertaining you

♪ We're all of that

♪ My posse and my crew

♪ Is all of that

♪ So sit still

♪ 'Cause we're comin' right back ♪

♪ Oh

♪ Uh-oh

♪ This is all that♪

♪ This is all that♪

♪ Check it out

♪ Oh

♪ Uh-oh

♪ Uh-oh

♪ This is all that♪

♪ This is all that♪♪

Okrah winfrey,

And today we have a special surprise topic...

Secret crushes.

Now, audience, are you ready for a special surprise?

Let me hear you say yeah.

Yeah!

Good, because today we're gonna pick out

A special audience member,

Bring her down on-stage,

And introduce her to her secret admirer.

Applause!

[Cheers and applause]

Whoo!

All right, now. Let's get to it.

Come on down, miss...

Fingerly.

Whooooo!

Ooooohhhh!

Slow down! Wait a...

[Whack]

Ow!

Oh!

Oh!

I feel the hurt.

Now, miss fingerly, are you surprised?

Surprised? I'm be-stunned.

Whoo! Well, miss fingerly, today's your lucky day.

Have a seat on the sofa of l-o-v--love.

Oh!

Girl, are you comfy?

Oh, yes! Teachers love small sofas.

Now, miss fingerly, where do you teach?

I'm an educator

At dullmont junior high school.

Hello, dullmontians. I see you!

Girl, will you stop that?

Oh, you got teacher spit all over the camera.

Oh. Oh, now, let's not waste

Any more time, miss fingerly.

I understand you do not have any man.

Oh, no! I haven't had a date in years!

Well, things are gonna change, miss fingerly.

Would you like to meet your secret admirer?

Hurry!

Oh! All right. Well, let's bring him out.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Please welcome lester oaks,

Construction worker.

[Whack]

Oh, my wig!

Oh, my wig!

Oh, get my wig, baby.

Hurry up! Hurry up!

You think they saw it? You think they saw it?

I still look good? I still look--

Now, who are you?

I done told you people already.

My name is lester oaks, construction worker.

Howdy-do, miss fingerly?

Howdy-do to you, lester.

Mind if I squeeze in there with you?

Please! Squeeze!

Oh, how darling.

Lester, tell us how you met miss fingerly.

Well, the name's lester oaks, construction worker,

And recently I was a-constructioning

Over at dullmont junior high school.

Pert near every morning

I'd see miss fingerly here,

Driving up in her little station wagon,

And walking into school.

She'd walk so cute and jiggly-like.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Lester oaks, you devil.

Oh, you ain't seen the horns and tails

And pitchfork yet, baby.

Whoo!

Well, miss fingerly.

The ball is in your court.

How do you feel

About lester oaks, construction worker?

Well, he's not what I'd call my type,

But he does have a certain--

Whoo!

Whoa!

Oh, my.

Whoa, there...

Nellie!

Whooooo!

I am a simple construction worker,

Not some kind of a meatball sammich

For you to be a-kissing on

And manipulatin', watusi!

Ohhhh!

Well, it seems as if our matchmaking

Has been a success.

It just makes me feel so good

To see these two lovebirds--

Lester!

Lester, lester!

Excuse me! Why are you all giggly wiggly...

Oh!

I feel the hurt.

Oh, lester oaks, you're just

The cutest thing I ever did see.

Whoa, now back off there, freak woman.

Excuse me. Who are you?

I am tandy spark,

And I have a secret crush

On lester oaks, construction worker.

Well.

What are you on, some kind of medication?

You're the only medicine I need, lester.

Oh! Back off, tandy, he's mine!

Whatever, fingerly.

Why are you fronting? Talk to the hand,

'Cause the face ain't listening.

Yeah! Yeah. You go home!

Get on outta here!

What? Lester!

Well, today has certainly been special.

Join us next on...

[Whack]

Ow!

Hey. Oh, stop that. You can stop that.

And now, lori beth denberg with more vital information.

For your everyday life.

If it's the th of july

And santa comes down your chimney,

Run like the wind! That ain't santa!

It's a good idea to brush your teeth.

It's a weird idea to brush your knees.

Never feed your dog pounds of beef

Just so you can say,

"Hey, check out my new stuffed animal!"

This has been lori beth denberg

With vital information.

♪ This is all that ♪

♪ This is all that ♪♪

Captain's log, ..

Our spaceship is on an urgent mission

To the planet boulder,

To pick up a large shipment of rocks.

Status report, officer canker?

We should be at the planet boulder in hours.

♪ Boulder planet, here we come ♪♪

[Crash]

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Captain, we've been hit!

♪ Seems to happen every week ♪♪

Damage report.

[Scottish accent] captain! Serious damage!

Our cable is out!

I repeat, our cable is out.

Aah! Whoo!

Quiet! Quiet, you people!

We must remain calm!

Who fired at us, officer canker?

It appears to be an alien ship

From the planet porkus ii.

♪ Alien ship from porkus ii ♪

♪ Woe is me and woe is you ♪♪

Porkus ii? That planet is completely inhabited

By piganoids.

Piganoids, no! I was horribly taunted

By piganoids when I was a little girl!

No one cares.

Singo, put the piganoid ship on-screen!

♪ Yes, captain

♪ And now for your viewing pleasure ♪

♪ Check out the screen ♪♪

That's a piganoid ship, all right.

Sosueme, I want to speak to the leader of that ship.

On-screen, captain.

I am swinestein, leader of the piganoid ship.

We read you, swinestein.

Why have you att*cked us?

Uh...none of your business.

It is too our business!

You sh*t our ship.

But we mean it no harm.

Yes, you do.

You sh*t our spaceship.

That's harmful--

Extremely harmful.

What's your point?

Our point is, we want to know why you've att*cked us.

Is that so much to ask?

O.k. You really want to know?

Yes!yes!♪ Yes ♪

It's because we're piganoids.

We're hogs. We wanna hog the entire galaxy.

[Snort]

You're in our space. Now get out.

♪ Captain?

♪ You heard the pig lady ♪

♪ Maybe we should get on outta space ♪

♪ Scared of the pig ♪♪

No! We're not gonna leave space

Just because you wanna hog the entire galaxy!

We're staying here in space!

[Snort] not!

Yes, we are.

There's plenty of space for everyone.

Space is very...spacious!

We will stay.

Then we have no choice but to destroy you.

We will simply fire our porkton torpedoes at you.

[Snort]

Oh, no. Ulcer, can our shields stand up

To the porkton torpedoes?

Absolutely not.

They'll destroy us, captain.

♪ Looks like singo's gonna die ♪

♪ Everybody sing bye-bye ♪♪

No! I'm not going down without a fight.

Ulcer, do we still have that naugahyde m*ssile?

I got one right here.

Good. Put that naugahyde m*ssile

On the transporter platform.

Aye, captain.

Here. Have a naugahyde m*ssile.

Sosueme, open a channel to that ship.

[Whack]

Uh, swinestein?

Before you blast us to bits,

We'd like to beam a little present

Aboard your ship. Is that cool?

Well, it seems suspicious,

But if it's a gift, o.k.

Great! I think you're gonna really love it.

Singo, beam our little gift aboard the piganoid ship now!

♪ Energizing ♪

Singo! Detonate that m*ssile!

♪ Detonating, captain!

♪ Bye-bye, piganoids ♪

[expl*si*n]

What is this stuff?

♪ Looks like bacon ♪

It is bacon.

♪ Captain, that was brilliant ♪

♪ Captain, that was brilliant ♪♪

What now, captain?

Well, we've already got bacon,

So why don't we head on over to chicken galaxy

And pick up some eggs

So we can have a nutritious breakfast!

♪ This is all that ♪♪

It's time forask ashley.

That's me.

Hi. I'm ashley, and I'm here

To answer more of your letters.

Our first letter comes from reggie crandall

Of topeka, kansas. Reggie writes,

"Dear ashley..."

That's me.

"Dear ashley. I have a pet goldfish,

"But every time I try to take my fish for a walk,

"He refuses to cooperate.

"He just lays there on his side,

"Forcing me to drag him along.

Why won't my fish take a walk with me?"

Well, reggie, I think I know why your fish

Won't take a walk with you.

Fish got no feet, and you've got no brain!

What kind of freakish fish owner

Tries to take a stinking goldfish

Out for a walk?

Man!

Our next letter comes from john shrader

Of los angeles, california.

John writes, "dear ashley..."

That's me.

"Dear ashley, I just love the sun,

"But every time I stare directly into the sun

"For long periods of time,

"My eyes hurt and burn.

Why does this happen?"

Why do your eyes hurt?

'Cause you're staring into the stinking sun!

My name is john, and my eyes hurt

Because blah, blah, blah, blah!

For crying out loud,

Just quit staring into the stinking sun!

And if you still need something

Interesting to stare at,

Why don't you go over to topeka, kansas,

And find reggie crandall!

He'll be the boy wonder

Dragging an angry, frustrated goldfish

Down the stinking sidewalk!

Man!

Our next letter comes from sara silverman,

Of new york city.

Sara writes, "dear ashley..."

That's me.

"Dear ashley,

There's a girl who lives in my bathroom window.

"It's so weird. Whenever I brush my teeth,

"She brushes her teeth.

Whenever I wash my face, she washes her face."

"And even weirder, she looks exactly like me.

How can this be?"

Sara, I've got some news for you.

You're not looking into a window, honey.

It's a stinking mirror!

A mirror, you moron.

Tell you what.

Instead of looking in your stinking mirror,

Why don't you go over to topeka, kansas,

And find idiot-boy reggie crandall?

Help him drag his stinking goldfish

All the way to los angeles,

Find john shrader, and the of you

Can just stand there, stare into the stinking sun,

Until your heads stinking explode!

Man!

Well, that's all the letters I have time for today.

Bye-bye, everybody.

Hey, clavis! Wake up.

The show's over.

Oh, yeah. Kick it!