04x05 - Empathalogical Fallacies

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T'LYN: Outgoing communication.

Provisional Lieutenant
Junior Grade T'Lyn

to Captain Sokel
of the VCF Sh'vhal.

Due to the recent
unprovoked att*cks

on ships across the quadrant,

the USS Cerritos
is providing transport

to three Betazoid diplomats.

- Hey.
- T'LYN: These glorified socialites

just spent three weeks
attending parties on Angel I

and now intend to "keep
the good times rolling"

as we escort them to Risa.

Despite the crew's enthusiasm,

I find the Betazoids'
exuberance... Disruptive.

Oh, I love your
Starfleet carpeting.

It's perfect to pass out on.

[LAUGHTER]

It's an honor
escorting you to Risa.

Thank you, Captain, but
I can sense that you feel

babysitting us isn't
your favorite mission.

Oh, no, no, no,
no, I'm proud to...

Shuttle a bunch of
sexy drunks around?

[LAUGHTER]

Katrot's just giving
you a hard time.

We appreciate the lift.

Particularly on a ship
with such sturdy officers.

That's what I'm talking about.

I get off bridge
duty at hours.

Ugh, never mind.

I like it when
they're hard to get.

Oh, come on, give
me another chance.

I can be distant
and unavailable.

[PURRS] Now, this is a
woman who seems withholding.

Oh, uh, well, flattered,
but I'm happily married.

- Is he on the ship?
- Uh...

Cathiw, we've been
here for five minutes.

Let's maybe check out our
rooms before you devour someone.

Whoa. Hello.

I'll devour whoever
I want, Dolorex,

you sanctimonious buzzkill.

Not to worry.

We've been ordered to make
sure you have a good time.

Let's top off those whalebones,
shall we? Lieutenant?

Oh, I'll take another yard of
anything glowing and green.

Thank you.

T'LYN: My posting
here is usually trying,

but never more than now.

I feel it necessary
to relay the severity

of my circumstances.

This is sickbay.

- [SNIFFING]
- Hangover cures, prophylactics,

well, it's all
available right here.

Ah. I didn't realize there
was going to be a buffet today.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Buffet?

I wasn't informed of any...

She's joking. In
the ancient past,

Caitians used to hunt
and eat Betazoids.

Oh! Well...

Dr. T'Ana, these are our guests.

Don't you consume anyone.

Oh, don't worry, that
was centuries ago.

Now we only eat
synthetic Betazoid.

- [GROWLS]
- [LAUGHTER]

- BILLUPS: Ow!
- [GASPS]

Enough with the tour already.

As this amazing hat I bought

from some gal on Angel I says,

"It's Romulan ale
o'clock somewhere."

[LAUGHS]

You guys have a bar around here?

[CHUCKLES] Why, yes.

Oh, no need for
those, Lieutenant.

We're already heading
for more cocktails.

Time to get to surgery.

Ooh, [BLEEP].

T'LYN: The Betazoids'
attitudes have inspired

many in the crew to
"get the party started."

Such infectious frivolity
would never be tolerated

on a Vulcan ship.

If reinstated, I will suppress
my own chaotic tendencies.

It is only logical for my
punishment to conclude

and that I return
to the Sh'vhal.

[BUZZES]

[BUZZES]

Hey, T'Lyn, you coming
to this Betazoid party?

I know you don't drink,
but there's gonna be

a chocolate fountain
if you want to get wild.

- [PADD BUZZING]
- I do not understand what you mean,

but thank you
for the invitation.

Oh, yeah, good luck getting
a message out right now.

We're in full security blackout.

No outgoing comms while
the 'Zoids are on board.

No communications?

And yet alcohol and
merrymaking are permitted?

Everything about
this ship is illogical.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, totally.

Well, if you change your mind,

we'll be getting champagne-fully
buzzed in the bar.

Come hang.

[BUZZES]

BOIMLER: Manhaver.
Federov.

Honus. Kayshon. Taylor.

Merp. Big Merp.

- Uh...
- [BEEPING]

Uh, starts with an "S."

Damn it! Sleepy Merp.

How could I forget that?
I'm such an idiot.

Hey, pal, ease up.

That's my friend
you're calling an idiot.

Yeah, well, that's what I am

when I can't remember every
single crew member's name.

Ooh, you're being pretty
hard on yourself, Boims.

Why don't you take a break
and come to the Betazoid party?

I can't, I'm a
lieutenant junior grade.

I can't just go around
not knowing everything.

So then you'll have
to know this party.

Or you'll be missing out.

Nice try, but I'll come
if I memorize everyone.

- Then I'll have earned it.
- [PADD BEEPING]

[DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]

Lieutenant Shaxs,

I think I have a
candidate for...

the program.

[SOFT EXHALE]

It would be illogical

to attempt to send
this message again.

However, it would be logical

to inquire when
communications will reopen.

She said I was too into it,
and she shrugged me off.

It's like, could she
not see these gains?

[SOBBING]

[LIVELY CHATTER]

[WHOOPING]

[LAUGHTER]

- [SLURPING]
- Ugh! I said regurgitated soup,

you stupid
[BLEEP]ing replicator.

This barely even tastes like
it's been in my mother's mouth!

Oh, my God, isn't
this party the best?

I love everyone and everything!

- Yeah!
- T'Lyn!

- [GASPS]
- Yes, you came, whoo!

This [BLEEP]ing rules, yes.

Holy [BLEEP], [BLEEP] yeah.
Did you send your message?

No, I am here to ask
if there is an estimate

to when communications
will be back online.

You came to talk to me?

If you can resolve
my query, then yes.

I've dreamed about this moment!

It is not "a moment."

Usually you're giving
me a friendship bracelet

or we're getting
matching tattoos,

but I'm still so happy!

Okay, D, calm down.

Wait, is everyone getting
weird all of a sudden?

Why am I yelling?!

This crew is always
weird and yelling.

Yeah, baby, 'cause
we're number one!

- Enjoy hell, replicator.
- [GRUNTS]

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- But perhaps...

you are correct, there do appear
to be more emotional outbursts

than I have previously observed.

Wow, Captain Freeman,

I didn't know Starfleet had
this kind of party in them.

We don't.

People, you are
Starfleet officers.

Pull it together and
stop embarrassing me

in front of the Betazoids.

I want them to think we're cool.

This is as controlled
as I can get!

We can't stop the party
now, it's just getting started!

I'm gonna drop us out of warp
so we don't get to Risa too soon.

What? No, Ensign
Barnes, stop right there!

[BOOING]

- Boo!
- Hey, stop that!

You can't boo your captain.

- [BOOING]
- Good God.

Why do I even care?

This isn't right.

Something must be affecting us.

[CHEERING, LAUGHING]

Huh, how have I never been
to this part of the ship before?

It's so quiet over here.

Easy, baby bear.

I just want us isolated
from any...

Interruptions.

Oh, God, what am I gonna learn?

[GASPS]
Tsunkatse?

Worf. Worf, Worf.
Torn between worlds.

A warrior.

No, a farm boy.

Hope you can handle
slam poetry, Lieutenant.

The son of Mogh,
clang goes the bat'leth

against the armor of your heart!

- [ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
- [GLASS SHATTERING]

[LAUGHTER]

Why won't anyone listen to me?

I'm the captain, damn it!

I say we lock all
these fools in the brig

until they calm
the [BLEEP] down,

including me.

Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug...

Captain, I believe
it is plausible

that the heightened
emotional state of the crew

is being caused by our guests.

The Betazoids?
[STAMMERS] No way.

They're so nice.
Dolorex? She said I'm hot.

You frigging are.
I got a hot mom.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

I tried something
new with my hair.

Zanthi fever is known to
infect Betazoids of their age.

It causes empathetic abilities
to unintentionally broadcast,

heightening the emotions
of those around them.

Wow, okay, yes, that
does kind of sound

- exactly like what's happening.
- [LAUGHTER]

Perhaps if we opened
communications, we could contact

- a Betazoid doctor.
- We can't risk that.

Are you crazy?

[GROANS] Sorry, what I mean is,

Dr. T'ana will have
to handle it herself.

[SCREECHING]

- I am unsure of her current efficacy.
- [GROANS]

Well, if it isn't the most
eligible captain in Starfleet.

Hey, is it just me or is it
incredibly horny in here?

Still married. Would you ladies
mind joining me in sickbay?

My provisional lieutenant
thinks you're telepathically ill.

That is not how I
would have stated it.

But the captain is accurate.

KATROT: Telepathically ill?

- What the hell is she talking about?
- CATHIW: She's on to us.

We need to do something.

DOLOREX: Stand down.
Let's see where this leads.

We'd be happy to move
this party to sickbay.

As long as we can take
our drinks. [LAUGHS]

[TRICORDER WHIRRING]

This morsel... I mean Betazoid...
is deliciously pathogen-free.

"Pathogen"? What
are you scanning for?

Oh, just standard stuff.

Goronian measles, Alterian
flaking, Zanthi fever...

BETAZOIDS: Zanthi fever?

Listen, we're all gals
of a certain age here.

It's nothing to be
embarrassed about.

We're not old enough to
be affected by Zanthi fever.

CATHIW: Oh, this is just
an excuse to lock us up.

KATROT: Cathiw's
right. Our cover's blown.

DOLOREX: What is
wrong with you two?

Get ahold of yourselves.
Remember your training.

CATHIW: You remember yours.

- We need to act.
- [WHIRRING]

Well, that's all of 'em.
No Zanthi fever detected.

Wonderful. What say we
get back to the festivities?

You're not going anywhere.

- Darling, what's the matter?
- [NERVOUS LAUGH]

Captain, these
diplomats are our guests.

Are you telling me
it's just a coincidence

that you three showed
up right when my crew

started losing their minds?

Captain, they scanned clear.

Well, then they're
doing something else.

- We are not.
- My crew and I

don't just get all
emotional for no reason.

Something is going on here.

And until we figure it out,

you three are
confined to quarters.

Mom, they haven't done anything.

That's an order!

Escort them now!

DOLOREX: Enough's
enough. Drop the cover.

MARINER: Whoa, what the hell?

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Sorry, Captain,
but the party's over.

You're coming with us.

I knew it.
See? See?

You areup to something!

I'm good at my job!

- [RHYTHMIC GRUNTS]
- Uh, you're hungry?

You're trying to
hold a little bird.

Uh, shrinking.
Ooh, someone who shrinks.

[GRUNTING]

SHAXS: Bucket?

- Swimming in a bucket!
- [SIGHS]

It's Constable Odo
from Deep Space .

Sokath, his eyes open.

- [CHEERING]
- All right!

What's wrong, Lieutenant?

You're crushing Starfleet
Security Officer Charades.

I don't know, I
guess I was hoping

I'd be training to kick butt,

not playing games or
listening to Worf poems.

Haubold's poem has come
a long way in workshop,

and training takes
different forms.

Wait, is this a... Test?

[GASPS] It is, isn't it?

- Well...
- Kiai! [GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING] I got you.

Okay, you got me.

Uh, good work.

Ah, I knew it.

Now that you have
passed the test,

it's time for...

The ritual.

Two sacred security
officer challenges

are contained within.

You must choose one to complete.

Ah, a puzzle and
some tarot cards.

- What kind of choice is that?
- [GASPS]

- He chose both!
- [CHEERING]

[GROANS]

Don't get any ideas, Captain.

We're officers of the BIA.

Betazed Intelligence?

But we offered to help you.

Yeah, and then you
tried to lock us up.

[GRUNTING]

Bridge crew! [GRUNTS]
Take them down!

[GRUNTING]

Ooh, I sense that you both are
deeply attracted to each other.

- What? I, uh...
- I mean...

- Unless...
- I wouldn't be averse to...

- Look out!
- [GRUNTS]

I told you not to try anything.

Betazed is in the
Federation. We're allies.

Why are you doing this?

You're the one
trying to frame us

for amplifying the
crew's emotions.

You are amplifying our emotions!

No, we aren't. Our emotions
are all over the place, too.

Why do you think I
want to kiss Katrot?

You have to be manipulating us.

It's the only explanation.

Why would we?

We're on a multi-planet mission

to telepathically look for clues

that can explain the
att*cks in the quadrant.

God, I need a drink!

Katrot, be silent.
Our cover's blown.

We have to take the
Cerritos back to Betazed

so we can sort this
out as soon as possible.

FREEMAN: [GASPS] That route
take us through the Neutral Zone.

The Romulans will destroy us.

Well, you should've thought
of that before you tried

to take us prisoner.

Oh, you won't
get away with this.

My crew will realize
something's off any second now.

CROWD [CHANTING]:
Go, go, go, go, go, go...

Almost... There.

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

[GRUNTING]

[SCREECHES]

All right, time to shred
those party girls into brisket.

- [YOWLS]
- Hey, Doc,

wait, we should stick together.

Mama's eating good tonight!

We got to stop her.
She took an oath

not to consume patients.

T'LYN: The doctor's
tricorder is still scanning.

Wait, wait, wait.

That can't be right.
According to this,

the source of all this
psychic disturbance...

- Is me.
- [BEEPING]

How can you be the source?
Vulcans can't get Zanthi fever.

No, but we do have
similar conditions.

Bendii syndrome, for instance,

creates involuntary
telepathic projections.

But it is mostly
observed in the elderly,

while I am only years of age.

Yeah, but you could be hav...

also, , you look
great, by the way...

you could be having
a quarter-life crisis.

You know, when
Boimler turned ,

he got so worked up,
he grew a mustache.

[SIGHS] It was
sad and hilarious.

- Vulcans do not get "worked up."
- We'll have to figure it out later.

I have to rescue my mommy.

♪ ♪

We'll be in the Neutral
Zone in five minutes, Dolorex.

Yep, no need to update me
with every tiny detail, Cathiw.

No!

You can't let the
Romulans take me!

They'll t*rture
out all my intel.

What intel?

Oh, uh, I mean...

Nothing.
I'm just being emotional.

Please don't read my mind.

Apologies, Captain, but
you give me no choice.

I'll devour whoever
I want, Dolorex,

you sanctimonious buzzkill.

[GASPS] No.

I am not a
sanctimonious buzzkill.

Someone has to keep you
two from screwing everything up.

CATHIW: What? Where
did that come from?

DOLOREX: I just read her mind
and heard you throwing shade.

- CATHIW: Sometimes you are a buzzkill.
- DOLOREX: Name one time.

You don't have to read my mind.

You know what I'm talking about.

- Ask Katrot.
- [GASPS]

Oh, leave me out of it.

[OVERLAPPING ARGUING]

SHAXS [CHUCKLES]:
The invasion card.

Now, I know it sounds bad,

but it's really
more of a rebirth.

Wow, no way, another rebirth.

Every card's a rebirth.

Wish I'd draw a card that
made me kick some ass.

[SIGHS] There's more to being

on the security team
than kicking ass.

Well, it seems
like there's nothing

to being on the security team.

Where's the toughness?
Where's the grit?

I guess in the California class,

all you guys do is play games.

I do not have a
drinking problem.

It's just part of my
undercover character.

DOLOREX: Then you must
be undercover all the time.

[ALARM BLARING]

I just want to see some action!

[ALARM BLARING]

Whoa, whoa, wait, red alert?

Whoa.
G-Guys, is this action?

Phasers?
Big phasers?

Wait, guys, hold up.
Guys, slow down.

Guys, wait for me.

- [PANTING]
- What's going on? Are we gonna die?

Those Betazoids
kidnapped the captain!

So they were the source
of our emotional overload!

Negative. We believe that effect
is caused by proximity to me.

- [GASPS]
- T'Lyn, how could you?

You're my best friend.

Incorrect.
You're still being influenced.

No, I am not.

Hey, don't be mean to Tendi.

Uh, time to go.

Get her!
Make her be my friend!

[CLAMORING]

[GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

Great work, you really
Vulcaned it up out there.

Now we're stuck in a stupid
closet with no way to help.

I wish I could roundhouse kick

this situation in
the face, but I can't.

It is one of those rare types of
problems that can't be kicked.

What are you doing?
Don't touch me.

[SIGHS] Are you mind-melding me?

No, I am attempting to
regulate your emotions,

as I am the cause
of their imbalance.

Ooh, being balanced
feels pretty good.

- [SIGHS]
- The crew's chaos is my fault.

Though I fear it is because
I am not Vulcan enough.

A true Vulcan would
never allow their emotions

to get the better of
them in such a manner.

Wow, I don't think I've ever
seen you get this close to...

expressing sadness.
What's going on?

I have been frustrated with
my inability to send a message

to the captain of
my previous ship.

I have been
preoccupied by it all day.

That's it? You're bummed
you couldn't send a message?

I did not come to the
Cerritos voluntarily.

I was banished for
being insubordinate,

unhinged and
recklessly emotional.

What?
No way, come on, you?

During our encounter with
the Klingon and Pakled ship,

I saved my crew by
following my instincts.

My captain determined that
I was damaged and illogical.

He was right.

Something about me is... Wrong.

I am not truly Vulcan.

Today has proven that again.

♪ ♪

[PANTING]

[T'ANA SNARLING]

[T'ANA WHIMPERING]

Oh, oh, food. I-I can smell it.

Honey, maybe let's just do one

of Dr. Migleemo's focus
exercises we've been working on.

I hate those [BLEEP]ing
things. [SCREAMS]

- Karno, when his mind was fogged?
- HAUBOLD: I don't know.

But we don't have time for this.

[BEEPING]

[CLAMORING]

[MUTED THUDDING]

T'Lyn, I hate to say it,
but your previous crew

were a bunch of [BLEEP]ing idiots.

You're one of the
most brutally efficient,

distant people I have ever met.

Really?

- What was your captain's name?
- Sokel.

Man, [BLEEP] Captain Sokel.

What, you saved their lives,
so he kicks you off the ship?

Where's the logic in that, huh?

It does seem like a
disproportionate response

to a minor character flaw.

There is no character flaw.

Can you imagine anything more
Vulcan than Bendii syndrome?

Hello?
I mean, Spock's dad had it

and he was Vulcan
as a mother[BLEEP].

Hmm.

I suppose, by the
transitive property,

I, too, must be Vulcan
as a mother[BLEEP].

[BLEEP] yeah.
Logic, bitch.

Thank you, Mariner.

I believe I needed to hear that.

Turns out talking
through our problems

is better than hardening them
into a dark little core in our...

Wait, something's happening,
I'm starting to feel normal.

The telepathic
symptoms must have tied

to my unresolved conflict.

My area of effect
has dissipated.

Damn, Vulcan brains
are scary strong, huh?

Indeed.

[GASPS]

Wow, uh... [CHUCKLES]

Why'd we bust down your door?

Hi, guys.
What's up?

What is up is
that I am no longer

broadcasting emotional turmoil.

The crew should be
coming to their senses.

- [LAUGHING]
- [CRYING]

[CRIES OUT]

[SOBBING]

[GASPS] Huh?

[GRUNTING]

[CHUCKLES]

[WHISTLING]

Uh, is Dr. T'ana gonna be okay?

Ah, the warm milk we gave
her should calm her down.

Now, get ready to...

resist occupation!

[GRUNTING]

Oh, I can't read you.

How are your
thoughts so relaxed?

Slam poetry: where the soul...

Meets the mind. [GRUNTS]

- [RAPID BEEPING]
- Captain!

[FREEMAN GRUNTS]

[BEEPING]

CREW: Aw.

Okay, enough.

Yeah, they didn't
enter the Neutral Zone.

What did you expect?

Set a course for Sector .

We'll lurk over there.

BOIMLER: And then
Haubold was like, wha!

[CHUCKLES] What a badass.

Oh, I can't believe I
was such a jerk today.

I never should have
doubted you guys.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Mr. Rutherford told me

you've been putting yourself
under a lot of pressure.

So the team and I tried
to give you a day off.

Wow, that's really
nice. [CHUCKLES]

But why?

Because we're in charge
of protecting the crew.

Sometimes that means
grappling with enemy invaders,

other times it means protecting
your emotional well-being.

Either way, security
has your back.

Wow, I didn't know
you had such a...

Holistic view of the job.

What did you think?
We just sat around all day,

practicing phasering people?

Where's the help in that?

Let's get back to
the training room.

I think we both need
some puzzle time.

I call dibs on the Malcolm Reed.

Well, only if you
get there first.

[LAUGHTER]

Again, we sincerely
apologize for our behavior.

Oh, no apologies necessary.

I'm sorry I mistook
Vulcan telepathic projection

for Betazoid
telepathic projection.

I feel like such an idiot.

Hey, if we couldn't
detect it, no one could.

Let us know if your
lieutenant needs any help.

We've all been there.

Oh, and Captain, a parting gift

to make up for today's
unpleasantness.

A Betazoid monitoring
station caught a glimpse

of the vessel we believe
is behind the att*cks.

I've never seen a
starship like this before.

Neither have we.

Until next time, Captain.

Piña colada for me,

and a room-temperature
water for you.

Yes, I know it's
your favorite cocktail,

but don't get all
emotional about it.

Am I expressing emotion?

- Oh, you were joking.
- Yeah.

Am I to understand that
you mock your friends

- more than your enemies?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- It comes from a place of love.
- [PADD BEEPS]

Well, comms must be back up.

Boimler's sending me selfies.

Oh, hey, you can
send your message.

I have decided to continue
my time here on the Cerritos

to study your chaotic ways.

[CHUCKLES] Happy
to have you, pal.

[GASPS] Wait, are we hugging?

- Let me in the booth!
- I allowed a single embrace.

Aw, man, you guys got to warn me.
I missed it.

Ooh, maybe all three of us

could go to the pottery
shop and throw some clay?

I have no interest
in that activity.

TENDI: What do you like to do?
Please tell me.

Please, I'll do anything!