04x01 - Doug's Math Problem/Doug's Big Feat

[bunniefuu]

( Yelps )

( Barks )

( Electric guitar playing )

( Man singing scat )

( Barks )

Cool! Whoa!

( Thwack )

( Barks )

Wingo:
roger!

What, what?

Eek.

( Glass breaks )

Doug:
dear journal,
I've taken a lot of tests

But never anything
like today's math test.

It seemed like everybody
understood the problems

Except me.

Uh, let's see.

A train leaves bloatsburg

Traveling at kilometers
an hour.

At the same time,
a train leaves new hamster

Traveling at kilometers
an hour.

If new hamster is
kilometers from bloatsburg

How long before
the two trains collide?

Collide!

Um, divided...

Multiplied...

A ... Uh.

( Screams )

( Footsteps )

( Hinge creaks )

( Barks )

* Doug... *

That's me.

Hey!

( Yelps )

( Barks )

I couldn't believe it!

I had flunked a math test, all
on account of a stupid train.

I'll explain
it again, okay?

The trains' combined
velocity

Is plus

Equals , right?

So kilometers divided by...

The combined
velocity

Divided by six
over three

Which is two,
get it?

Um, two whats?

Two hours, man.

But I'm bad in math--

I could
be wrong.

( Thump )

I love this job.

Sorry about that, mr. Willicker.

Any packages?

Dogitude,
cheek and jowl

Bone of the month...

( Sniffs )

Ooh, perfume, mm-mmm.

( Porkchop growls )

And for the
humans: bills

Bills...

Bills...

And a bluffington
school notice.

Doug:
to the parents of doug funnie.

( Gasps )

A school notice for my parents.

We're going to a
parent-teacher conference?

Doug, you flunked a math test?

You're being suspended?

You're being sent back
three grades?

You're expelled?

They're tearing up your
permanent record?

You flunked a math test?

You're under arrest?

( Sirens )

( Screams )

I just got to find out
what this thing says.

Hold it up
to the light.

Doug:
"dear parents,
we regret to inform you..."

Uh, I can't read the rest.

Man...

I have to know
what's in this.

I have to.

Doug, it's okay, man.

I have an idea.

( Computer bleeps )

Doug:
so you guys can tap
into the school computer

And find out
what's in the notice?

Such things are child's play.

And it's not against the rules?

Absolutely not--
perfectly legal.

( Alarm )

Woman:
hackers have penetrated
the school computer.

Oops.

Bail out.

Run for it.

( Computer bleeps )

( Giggling )

Thanks anyway, guys.

Ooh...

The only way to find out
what was inside

Was to open it myself

But how could I open
my parents' mail?

Just one snip--
they'll never notice.

Careful...

Careful.

Oops.

( Whimpers )

Just a little...

Ow!

Ooh, I stained it.

Where's the liquid white?

Oh, no-- tissues.

I need some...

Oh, no!

What the...

No!

Where did I put that...?

( Porkchop barking )

Help!

This has got to work.

Yeah... "Dear parents,
we regret to inform you..."

Oh, no!

The ink's running.

We've got to dry it out.

( Barks )

( Phone rings )

Hello?

Hey, doug.

Patti!

Mom:
I'm home!

Mom!

My goodness, what a day.

We successfully
composted

An entire set
of lawn furniture.

Huh?

Stop!

Is something wrong?

Oh-oh.

It's a surprise.

( Phone rings )

Hello.

Doug, can we talk?

What is going on?

No!

Not you, patti.

Doug, I just want to tell you
one quick thing!

( Screams )

Mom, don't!

What?

Now what's this
big surprise, hmm?

Oh, how nice.

Tea.

Huh?

A nice cup of tea,
just what I needed.

And the mail
all neatly laid out.

Oh, douglas...

Sometimes you're
just so thoughtful.

I think I'm going
to lay down for a second.

Your father
should be home soon.

It's his night to cook.

Okay, mom.

Okay, she has the notice.

Don't panic.

What would smash adams do here?

( Radar blipping )

( Crash )

Yah!

( James bond music )

( With english accent: )
thanks, mum.

( Snoring )

What am I doing?

I can't steal mail
from my own mother.

Judy:
what do you think
you're doing?

I... I was just...

Sneaking into
mom and dad's room?

Nice try, agent "w."

Unfortunately you
forgot about me--

Mistress ninja.

Ayah!

Judy, this is ridiculous.

Ayah!

Doug:
hey, cut it out!

My goodness.

Hello.

Patti:
doug!

Patti, can I call you back?

It'll take a second.

Okay, but make it quick.

( Making karate chops )

( Dial tone )

Will you two please
keep it down!

I've had a hard day

And I'm trying
to take a nap.

Both:
sorry, mom.

I'll go get your mug
for you, mom.

That's sweet of you,
douglas.

Honestly, judith--

Can't you control
your theatrical urges?

I was almost home-free.

Dad:
hello, mary, I'm home.

Hey, mister,
what you got there, huh?

Uh...

You're surrounded, smash adams.

There's no hope
of escape.

( Evil laughter )

Villain:
give us that letter, now!

( Gulps )

So this was it.

It was either destroy the letter

Or admit everything
and take what I had coming.

I knew what I had to do.

Mom, dad, this is
for you from school.

Well, it looks
pretty banged up.

Thanks a lot, postal service.

No, dad, I did that.

I tried to open it
without you knowing.

Why would you do
a thing like that?

I was afraid of what it might
say-- that you'd be mad.

We're your
parents, son.

You don't have to
hide things from us.

We love you.

( Doorbell rings )

Patti:
hello, is anybody home?

Patti, sorry
I didn't call back.

I...

Hmm... Doug, are you
having trouble in school?

Well...

That's what I've
been trying to
tell you, doug!

Mrs. Wingo says I should
tutor you in math for awhile.

Oh, how nice.

Would you like
to stay for dinner?

Sure, mrs. Funnie.

I better call my dad
and see if it's okay.

I don't know why I was
so scared of that stupid letter.

It's amazing how much
I went through

To avoid something that
turned out to be pretty great.

So you just divide
the distance,

By the speed,

And you get...

The time, which is two!

I'm getting
the hang of it.

Hey, what's that?

Oh, nothing.

( Train whistle blows )

Kids:
one, two, three, two

One, two, three, three

One, two, three, four.

I got it.

Doug:
dear journal--

We were trying
to kick field goals

In gym class today when...

( Grunts )

( Sighs )

Try again!

You'll make one sooner or later.

It's no use, skeeter.

No, I can feel it.

Is your lucky number.

( Growls )

Coach:
why can't you kick
in tonight's game?

You can use your
other leg, right?

The doctor said to
stay off it, coach.

That quack-- how will
I find a kicker...?

Ow!

Ooh.

Hey...

It's good!

Doug funnie
scores and wins!

Skeeter, I finally
made one.

I can't believe it!

Coach:
hey, you.

Congratulations--
you're my new

Field goal kicker.

Huh?

( Footsteps )

( Hinge creaks )

( Barks )

* Doug... *

That's me.

Hey!

( Barks )

( Splat )

( Crowd cheering )

Announcer:
with four seconds left

The honkers again decided
to go with their star kicker

Doug "the toe" funnie.

It's a -yard kick--
can you do it?

Take it easy, coach.

Girls:
ooh!

Go, toe!

Crowd:
go toe!

* We are the funnie fan club *

* We come to every day *

* To watch our favorite player,
doug funnie is his name *

* D-o-u-g, doug! *

( Cheering )

Hike!

( Players grunting )

Toe has done it!

The farthest field goal
in history!

You've just won
the beef bowl classic.

What will you do now?

I'm going to funkytown.

I got your shoe.

Coach spitz
wants me to kick

For the big game tonight.

What will you tell him?

What do you mean?

Don't you know
how big this is?

I'm going
to be the guy...

I thought you couldn't
kick for beans.

Oh, man.

Skeeter,
you're right--

I can't
kick a field goal.

What am I going to do?

It'll be a disaster.

Why you don't you
just tell coach spitz

You can't do it?

Yeah, I'm sure
he'll understand.

What do you mean you can't kick?

What happened today,
well, that was just a...

Mental preparation.

I always squeeze the
guts out of vegetables

Before the big game.

Squeeze it like
you mean it, son.

( Grunting )

Guess I'm not much
of a tomato squeezer, sir.

That's your problem.

You'll always be a tiny boy

Unless you confront your fears
head-on like a man.

Now come here...

Up on your desk?

That's right, up here.

Look down there.

How do you feel?

Stupid?

No, tall!

Up here you're a big man
with no fears.

% Of football is
a mental game, funnie.

So you will kick
for the honkers tonight

And you will stand tall.

I will?

Yup.

Squeeze it
like you mean it.

Game's at : .

I practiced for hours,
but it seemed

That one great kick
was just a total accident.

Whoa!

I'm going to need some help.

Football follies

Great grid iron stories,
pigskin parade

Ian stenblatters' quick guide
to field goal kicking

Perfect!

"To kick a perfect field goal

Just follow these
easy-to-remember steps..."

Great!

( Sadly: )
great.

Coach spitz:
all right...

Grab a fruit and listen up.

Our team has never scored a
point against bloatsburg-- why?

Because they're
bigger, better
and braver.

But today is a new day

And we have a new kicker.

Funnie!

( Screams )

As I said, we have a new kicker

And this kid has a golden toe.

Duh...

If we get near the goal post,
our worries are over.

Man:
hey spitz!

Want to see
my new secret w*apon?

( Growling )

Percy femur!

I thought he was still
in reform school.

( Groans )

You don't scare me, barney.

I got my own secret w*apon:
the boy with the golden toe.

( Titters )

( Growling )

Femur, tie your shoe!

Huh? Oh, thanks, coach.

The honkers have won the toss.

They will receive first.

Let's play football!

Get on out there.

k*ll, k*ll, k*ll!

That percy femur

Is just a soggy tomato
in your hand.

"Step , the holder should
angle the football

At -degrees..."

Patti:
hey, doug!

I'm rooting for you!

( Titters )

( Growling )

All right!

( Cheering )

( Grunts )

Touchdown, bloatsburg!

Femur, your shoes!

Huh? Oh.

( Bell rings )

Time-- time out.

Okay, men, get in here.

Hey, doug,
great, huh?

Great?

Yeah, looks like
you'll never have to kick!

Now pay attention.

I call this the
double-ingo-bongo-fire-away.

See, right tackle in around
like this, see.

This guy pulls here-- boom!

This guy cracks back-- bam!

Guys are hitting and
running all over.

It's just like football
and you... Who am I kidding?

Chalky, get in there and make up
your own play.

Hike!

( Players grunting )

Whoo, go chalky!

No, chalky, no!

Crowd:
chalky, chalky, chalky, chalky!

Way to go!

We haven't been this close
in years!

"Step , to compensate for
wind, plant non-kicking foot..."

Coach:
funnie!

We need your golden toe.

It's first down--
shouldn't we run a few plays?

They're expecting
that.

Now get out there and
kick it like you mean it!

You can do it doug!

It'll be over
in a minute, buddy!

Doug, are you ready?

Kick it like I mean it,
kick it like I mean it.

Kick it like I mean it.

Doug!

Uh-huh.

Set, hike!

No good, the shoe doesn't count!

What kind of kick
was that?

Get off my field, boy.

Barney:
hey spitz--

Was that your boy
with the golden toe?

Looked more like one of your
rotten tomatoes to me!

( Laughs spitefully )

It was the worst moment
of my entire life.

And don't touch
my tomatoes.

After I blew it

I just sat there
watching the rest of the game

As percy femur continued
to slaughter us.

In the third quarter alone,
he scored points.

( Players screaming )

( Cheering )

Coach spitz had problems
keeping the team on the field.

Get in there,
you big baby.

Bunch of sissies.

Oh, walk it off.

Traitor!

( Groans loudly )

What do I do, coach?

We're a man short.

Isn't there anybody man enough
to go on out there?

Oh, I guess not.

Come on in, chalky.

We'll have to forfeit...

Wait, coach...

I'll go in.

Crowd:
come on, doug!

Huh?

Oh-oh.

I've done some pretty
dumb things in my life

But this had to be one
of the dumbest.

( Crowd cheering )

( Growls )

( Grunts )

( Moans )

Stand tall,
squeeze tomatoes.

Compensate
for the wind.

Crowd:
go, go!

Your shoelaces
are untied.

Huh?

I'm going to make a touchdown!

Chalky!

( Wild cheering )

All right, doug!

Way to go!

That was great!

Huh, what the...?

We scored, we actually scored.

Even though
we didn't win the game...

( Rumbling )

No, no.

( Cheering )

It sure felt like we did.

Maybe I wasn't a kicker,
but at least I stuck in there.

In next week's game

Let's try
for two touchdowns.

One was good,
but two would be better.

But coach...

No ifs ands or buts.

You're my boy with the golden...

The golden...
Well, the golden something.

But I want you take these
tomatoes home and get to work.

( Football band music playing )