01x02 - The Rub

[bunniefuu]

Where there's a crime,
there's a West.

What did he get?
Four.

You said one year!

No way.

Shit.

What are we gonna do for four years?

This could be valuable.

Your son Van raided my father's
home. This was found in our living
room.

It all stops. From now on,
we play it straight.

She actually thinks
this is gonna happen?

Yeah.

(SCRUBS TILES)

SPLASH!

You spilled your bucket.

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart.

♪ You in my brain... ♪

So, how's the modelling
career going, Pascalle?

It's all happening, Draska.

So that's why you're in here (!)

.

You know, that colour really suits
you, Pascalle. Brings out the
humungous zit on your chin.

(LAUGHS)

Last week was great for Big Foods.
Huge improvements in the chillers,
and overall throughput was up by %.

This week I want you to be
especially vigilant about
unlawful taking.

And the employee of the month is...

Braelee!
Well done, Braelee.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Leave her alone, Noel.
She's not a melon.

And that's all for this week.

I thought this was a staff meeting.
Yes, Cheryl?

There's no loo paper
in the ladies' again.

I'll look into it.

You said that last time.

FIRMLY: I'll look into it, Cheryl.

Good on you, girl.
Thanks, Mrs T.

Braelee, next time Noel tries
it on, tell him where to go.

Last time I got put on shelves.

No allowances.

I'm sorry, but that's just criminal.
I'll talk to you later. Come on.

Mum! Where's the trust?

I can't afford to lose my job.

Boots.

The chip fat is k*lling
my complexion.

That is no excuse for stealing
Now, put it back. Go on.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Cheryl West, a checkout chick.

Well, it's a job, even if the pay's
crap, the manager's a weasel and the
prices are, well, daylight robbery.

Yeah well, it's tough
making an honest living.

How's your business, Officer?

Good. Burgs are down %.
I guess you know all about that.

Some of these single-serve dinners
are high in cholesterol.

You care about my health, now?

Big Foods — our customers
always come first.

You won't last, Cheryl.
Once a crim, always a crim.

You got a Big Foods card, sir?
No.

Your wife take that, too?

It really would pay to get one, if
you plan on shopping here again.

I will. Don't you worry about that.

CICADAS CHITTER

Park it for me.

Park it where?

Where would you like to park it?

If you think I'm bad,
wait till you meet Mrs Hong.

I did. She kicked me in the nuts.

Not my grandmother, stupid — the one
in Brisbane, looking at timeshares
and bad clothes.

When you meet her, you will
know the meaning of suffering.

So, how's my wife,
the checkout chick?

I’m fine, thanks. How are you, Wolf?

Was it the pay or the hours?

Not having the cops raid
the house is right up there.

You know what makes me sad?

Dropping the soap in the shower?

What makes me sad is seeing
you working in a supermarket.

When did you get so up yourself?

You're too good, Cheryl,
for a shit job like that.

I like having a job.

So, how are the kids?

Van.

Mince again?

Mince.

We had mince last night.

Did we?

Count yourself lucky, Grandpa.
For you, every meal is a surprise.

It was on special, and it's food.

We had, like, a business. And you’ve
thrown it all down the dunny for
what? This shit.

No, Van. For a future.

Suck-arse future
being Chinky's bum boy.

It's better than being in jail.

You reckon?
Yeah.

Well, at least in jail I'd get some
respect. And the food would be
better.

Sit— Van!

Guess he doesn't want his mince.

[ LORETTA: Guess not.

Bought this for you today.

What? What? I thought
that's what she wanted.

[ DOOR SLAMS
I'll go.

Mince is good.

What's up, slutty?

I'm never gonna be discovered
at the Snapper Shack.

I'm never gonna be discovered if
I have zits, if I don't have my
photos,

and I'm never gonna stay
thin if I live on mince.

I guess that covers it.

I know she said it wouldn't happen
overnight, but sometimes it's hard
to keep going.

You know Rachel Hunter
didn't write that, eh?

What?

It's a Pantene commercial.
Someone else wrote it.

No. It's her philosophy.

And I will make it one day.
Then I'll help you all.

And make the world a better place?

Yeah.

I've got bucks.
I thought you had .

Well, I made an investment.
But you can have the extra .

You'd give it to me?
f*ck, no. You'll pay
me back, with interest.

(SIGHS)

WHISPERS: Shit.

WHISPERS: You bastard.

Hi, Rene.

Oh, Pascalle, how are ya?

God, you're gorgeous. Mm, yeah.

I have a blemish.

Didn't even notice it.

Want some?
Yeah.

Take a seat. Relax, enjoy. OK?

(SIGHS)

Mm. Drink?

No, thanks.

You never drink with me.

I know.

Look, Rene, I really need my photos.

This is a down payment. And I'll get
you the rest after I get my first
job.

Pascalle, I want to help
you — I really do. But...

I'm gonna need a
little bit more than this.

OK, then.

(CHUCKLES) What are you doing?

What do you think?

(CHUCKLES) Darling, you
want a lot of photos.

So?

Pascalle, baby. You're so beautiful.

Yeah. So?

Some guys, this might be their
idea of the ultimate good time.
But not me.

Really?

I'm, uh, looking for a whole
lot more than that from you.

Ooh, yeah, a whole lot more. ]

I need three coffees. And there's
a shopping list on the bench.

Hey, I'm not your maid.

When Mrs Hong gets
here, you will be.

Um...

She forgot her togs.

Are you torturing me on purpose?

They think it's sexy being
perved at by the pool-boy.

Enjoy it... while you can.

(MUTTERS)

Good morning, Noel, Braelee.

Morning, Cheryl. Just
discussing customer service.

You always get this close to the
customers, do you Noel? Part of the
service, is it — personal touch (?)

I feel you're a woman of strong
views, Cheryl. Some would say a
stirrer. Oh, how's the family?

Fine, thanks. ]

Detective Sergeant Wayne Judd
— we're on a committee together.
Rotary. Building safer communities.

How nice for you.

I'm keeping an eye on you, Cheryl.

Still no loo paper in
the ladies', Noel.

TEARFULLY: I've got some tissues.

What happened, love?

Noel put his hand my bum. And when
I asked him not to, he questioned
my commitment.

Next time, knee him where it hurts.

I'll be on stock rotation forever.

You don't have to put up with this.

You're welcome to some
tissues. I've got plenty.

Tissues, my butt.
We've got rights. Come on.

We need toilet paper,
for God's sake.

The security cameras — he'll see.

He'll get a good look.

Ladies, I strike a blow
for the working classes.

APPLAUSE

[ How'd it go?

He wants the full amount. I offered
a blow job, but he wouldn't take it.

He wouldn't?
He wants the full sack of spuds.

Spuds?

A root, Kurt.

For the full amount?
Mm-hm.

That doesn't sound like a bad deal.

Loretta — yuck!

It's not as if you haven't
rooted lots of guys.

Not that many. And Rene will
never be the Rod to my Rachel.

What's that got to do with it?

I'm saving myself.
But if you've already—

For the person who
will enhance my career.

Her Rod.

He helped Rachel's career. And she
got heaps of publicity and a very
generous separation.

If I give myself away to just
anyone, I'll lose my essence.

But if you don't sleep with him,
you won't get your photos.

I-I could help you out.

You? How?

I just got a new digital camera.

And who paid for that camera,
as an investment in our future?

Really, Kurt? That's really amazing.

(CHUCKLES)

[ WATER SPLASHES

Who are you?

Who are you?

Van. I work for the Hongs.

Oh, poor you.

Are you a friend of Tracy's?

Ooh, God, no.

You want some?

No, that's Mr Hong's piss.

What can I say?

) I'm bad, and )...

what are you going to do about it?

Well, I'll have to ask you to
stop drinking Mr Hong's piss.

And what if I'd say no?

Then we'd have a problem.

Really?
Yep.

That would be such a pity.

Ooh!

Ooh, silly me.

That's terrible.

I know, man. Worst thing is,
I didn't find out until after.

Yep! Yep! Yep!

(GROANS ECSTATICALLY)

Harder!
OK!

Oh!

Yes!

Yes!

f*ck.

(PANTS)

Ah, shit.

I'm gonna be dead.

Don't worry. I'll tell my husband
I broke it. He won't even care.

Your husband?

I rooted Mrs Hong.

Aw, man, that's really terrible.

If Mr Hong finds out, man, I'm dead.

Yeah. But she was all right?

She's got pretty nice tits, eh.
She's got nipples like Jaffas.

Softee triple ply. We use
it right here in the store.

Can you shut down please,
Cheryl? Come with us.

What's this about?
Let's take it out the back.

Another Rotary meeting, is it, Noel?

Try theft as a servant.
What?

Come on, Cheryl. Let's go.

Cos I took one sodding toilet roll?

No, this is about the $ missing
from your cash drawer last night.

So, is there anything you need me to
do — like raise bail, or whatever?

OK, you're the lawyer — sort of.

Great, this is really working.

Can you see the zit?
It's like Ruapehu.

We can get rid of it.
I've got this program.

Yeah, you do, Kurt. The oneIpaid
for — along with the camera to take
pictures of locations for our film.

You have no idea how good
this makes me feel, Kurt.

By the way, that was Jethro on
the phone. Mum's been arrested.

You mean she's come
to her senses? Awesome.

I never took that money.
You believe me, don't you?

Of course I do.

Nobody else does.

Look, don't worry about it, Mum.

You'll never make
this stick, Sergeant.

Is that so, Jethro?

Is that your considered
opinion, as a law clerk?

Still one step up from a cop.

I can make things very
difficult for you, son. ]

Years of study — torts and
sub-clauses. Be a waste if
it was all for nothing.

Yeah. it's police crap,
Mum — you know that.

LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS

Shit!

Shit.

We got cut off.

Are we having mince again?

I had to put my make-up on in the
dark. God knows what I look like.

Still like a mole, I'm guessing.

Sorry. I was gonna ring the power
company again today, but I kinda
got...

Detained?

Um, Mum?
Yes, love?

Actually, we've got company.

Cheryl.

Hi, Eric.

I heard about the unfortunate
incident. Just wanted to see
you're OK.

What did Wolf say when he heard
about the unfortunate incident?

And don't try and bullshit
me that you haven't told him.

He was worried, actually.

He reckoned it sounded like
you were getting desperate.

I didn't take the f*cking money!

Next time you see Wolf, tell
him thanks but no thanks.

No, I went through the accounts,
and that's what the store owes you.

Is that right?
Yeah, it's back wages.

Or something. It's only two grand.

I thought I made it clear — I want
nothing from you, the store, or
Wolf.

I can get my photos with that money.

Don't go on about
the photos, Pascalle.

Now's not the time for dreaming.

Modelling is not a dream, Mum!

The only dream around here is your
stupid f*cking dream of us living
in poverty.

Give it a rest, Loretta.
I'm not the one who got arrested.

Do you want me to spend my life
working at the Snapper Shack?

No, I don't.

Like living without electricity?

Just give it a rest,
both of you, will you?!

I am trying to do the
best for this family.

It's not really working, is it?

All right, you got me.

But we earned that money, Cheryl
— it is our business, after all.

Not any more.

What am I supposed to do — watch
my little girls lose their future,
my wife stealing the petty cash?

I did not nick that money, OK?

Oh, really?

Yeah, really, Wolf.

That bastard manager framed me.

Tough game, that supermarket game.

I just want a better future for our
kids, OK? Can you get your thick
skull around that?

Not when I see you pissing
everything down the drain, when
I hear how my kids are living.

They're fine.

They're gonna hate you for the
rest of their lives. You've already
turned Van into the Hongs' bum boy.

He's paying for what he did. He'll
be fine once he gets used to it and
stops moaning to you about it.

Jesus, I'm just trying
to f*cking help, here.

What does it take to
get through to you?

I don't need your help.

IMITATES PASCALLE: Oh, they're so
wonderful, Kurt. f*ck me now (!)

Eh?

You're Glad Wrap — you're a window.

I'm not. I'm just helping.

Kurt, she won't sleep with you.

Yeah, I know that.

You'd settle for the
blow job, wouldn't you?

That is so disgusting!
With my own sister?

She is kinda gorgeous.

In a common or garden
variety slut kind of a way.

And, Kurt, she is so stupid. How
could you do this to me? I thought
we had something special.

We do. You're my best friend.

We had a special bond. We both think
Tarantino is overrated, yet we both
want to be him.

We can both quote all the best lines
from Dawn Of The Dead — the original
andthe remake.

And you're willing to throw it away
for the outside chance my dumb-arse
sister will suck your cock.

You really really
disappoint me, Kurt.

I'm sorry.

If you're sorry, you'll
do something about it.

But I promised—

The sister who is your only friend,
or the sister who will use you, spit
you out and break your heart?

The choice is yours, Kurt.

COMPUTER BEEPS

ENGINE REVS

Oi! What the bloody
hell's going on?!

So, on average, how many times
a year do we raid the West house?

So, where were you
at am this morning?

In bed.

And you?

Yeah. In bed.

But a different bed — my bed.

Oi. I was about to use that.

This is all we found, Sarge.

You think this is funny?

Only if your idea of a joke
is taking a -ton truck.
What?

We're here about a delivery truck
that went missing from Big Foods
at am.

It was found at . minus its
contents. Tell me you don't know
about that.

Why would I?
Cos it was delivering paper products
— boxes of toilet paper.

(SNORTS)
BOTH LAUGH

It is a serious offence.

If you say so.

You're coming with me.

What are you — mental?

Why would Mum steal
a truckload of toilet paper?

She knows.

You think this is me getting back
at Noel Greenwood? You are mental.

We can talk at the station.

No way is my Mum going
anywhere with you.

Show us your evidence!
I bet you don't have any.

Step back!

Kids, he's got nothing
and he knows it.

For someone trying to go straight,
you make a hell of a thief.

You've ex*cuted your search warrant,
you've made a mess of my house.

When you wanna lay charges,
I'll be right here.

Come on.

Triple-ply quilted? Could
you send me a few rolls?

If you had anything to do with it—

Why would I? I mean, I know the
stuff here is like cardboard,
but a truckload?

Maybe it's the universe getting
back at the guy who framed you.

Well, the universe isn't helping.

Look, if I knew who
did this, I'd tell you.

(LAUGHS)

Cheryl, love, I know we don't always
see eye to eye on things, but
I swear to you,

on the grave of my mother, I had
nothing to do with this. All right?

All right.

Chin up, babe.
You get the power back on?

Yeah, I did. Bye.

I owe you money for
the power money bill.

I don't accept cheques.

I can't afford to write one.

Then we're sorted.

KNOCK AT DOOR

What do you want?
Can we talk?

Why the f*ck would I talk to you?

Because if we can talk, we might
be able to sort something out.

Well, I was gonna suggest to my
family that they go out and buy
dinner.

But because I got arrested and
fired today, we can't afford it.

Will you be all right on your own?

You should ask Noel that.

Come on, Grandpa.
Let's get some real food.

I've shat better than you.

OK, you've made your point, Cheryl.

What point?

I want my toilet paper back.

I haven't got your toilet paper.

That's not what the cops think.

Look, I don't have your toilet
paper and I didn't nick that money.

I don't need this crap.

Head office are all over me, cos
people who want to keep their job
don't lose truckloads of produce.

And I'm getting accused
of sexual harassment.
Cos you do.

Then, to top it all off,
everyone goes on bloody strike!

Hold on, what's this?

Everyone. All the girls. Cos of you.

They can't afford to go on strike.

Tell them that — going on
that I unfairly dismissed you.

You framed me, Noel. It doesn't
get much more unfair than that.

I can make that go away, if
I get my toilet paper back.

And all the girls go back to work —

including me.

Yeah.

I hope he's paying you
what you're worth.

(GROANS)

Mrs Hong—
Suzy.

Listen, I was thinking I'd take
a drive today, and, um, you could
drive me.

Hi, Tracy.

Darling, I thought I'd go to town.
Can you spare Van for a few hours?
I hate driving in Auckland.

Catch a cab, or a bus, or bar crawl.

Yeah, and, um, the pool's got quite
a few leaves in it and stuff, so—

He can take me where I want to go,
clean the pool when we get back.

You — drive my wife.

OK.

Now.

(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)

Oh, yes!
Yep!

Ooh, now!
Yep!

Oh, yes!

Oh, you're there.
Yep! Yep!

(GROANS ORGASMICALLY)

Oh God. You f*ck
like a stallion, man.

Cool. We should get back now.

Where's Kurt?

He had to go out.

Did he finish my photos?

Yeah.

Sure, why not — I love holding (!)

None of them came out.
What?

Yeah, not a one. They were fine when
we downloaded them from the camera —
you looked really really beautifl.

But then the computer crashed.
No!

It was a real tragedy. Kurt cried.

What am I gonna do now?

Save up?

Yeah, right.

She's upset.

Kurt, sex isn't everything. If you
think about it for five seconds,
it's disgusting.

It's just this urge to continue the
species — and then the crap starts.

Do you wanna watch Evil Dead
with the director's commentary?

I guess.
You'll thank me in the end.

Four times?
Yep. She made me.

Man. That's hard. So she's on top,
then you're on top. Then she takes
off her top.

Then she says you f*ck like a what?
A stallion, man.

(WHINNIES)

Got the money?

Tell Wolf not to get his hopes up.
It's a one-off emergency thing.

Whatever you say.

I have $ in this envelope,

which I'm prepared to give to the
person who can offer me information
about the Big Foods truck job.

Reliable information.

And the $ will go to that person
once the goods have been returned —
no questions asked.

Good.

Feel like a Bacardi and Coke?

Just the one.
Then I really gotta go.

bucks? How the f*ck
did she get bucks?

I dunno.

Hello.

You're giving away bucks while
we're living on mince with no power.

The power's back on.

If you gave me bucks, I could
get my photos. With my first job,
I could pay you back.

That's a lovely thought, but
I need the money to clear my name.

Your name? What about my life?

I can pay you back now.

Awesome (!)

Hey, I know you're angry
with me — about the Hongs.

I know it hurts your pride,
having to do what you're doing.

Yep.

Kinda.

If it's getting on top
of you, you can tell me.

Nah, it's OK.

I mean, it does...

sometimes.

But... yeah, I can handle it.

Boyd said he doesn't know
anything about any truck.

He must have heard something — he's
the world's biggest sleazeball.

Draska, if this is about that time I
called you a big fat ho, I'm sorry.

How sorry?
You're not fat.

But I'm still a ho?
You're not a ho!
You're just popular.

Thank you. That means a lot.

But if I did know anything, I'd be
going for the cash myself. I should
get to work.

Hey, beautiful.
What's the trouble?

It's just my suckful life.

You know I want to help you.

I can't sleep with you, Rene. I
can't. I've made this vow to myself.

OK.

What about dinner?

Just dinner?

Yeah.

Of course we'll split it.
- , like we said.

I dunno. Whatever half of is,
man. Just call around and see what
you can find out!

No, we haven't done it — not
since the last time you asked me.

Hello, pool boy.

Hold on, man. It's her,
and she's got a whip.

How do you feel about riding?

I gotta go, Munts.

Um... (CHUCKLES)

I need to approve the new stables
up at the stud farm, and I,... well,
I need a stud to help me.

Uh, look, Mrs Hong—

Suzy.

Suzy. What about Mr Hong?

He won't be at the stables. And
he won't find out, if that's what
you're worried about.

Nah, I wasn't worried.

I don't get worried, man.

Leave the shirt off. It'll save time
later and give me something to look
at in the car.

CICADAS CHITTER

Come to arrest me again, Sergeant?

Not today. Maybe if we had the
resources to put a large amount of
cash on the bar at the Rusty Nail.

Just trying to clear my name,
since you don't seem to have the
inclination or the brains to do it.

If you do hear of anything—
I beg your pardon?

We are keen to catch this offender.

I thought that was me.

Just trying to keep
an open mind, Cheryl.

Go solve your own problems, Wayne.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Cheryl speaking.

Good afternoon to you, Mr Hong.

I hear you require information.

Yeah. How do you know this?

I have people work for me. Someone
wants to sell me toilet paper, very
cheap.

I don't need your money, Mrs West.

And I really don't need to feel
I owe you, Mr Hong. Please, go on.

PATRONS CHATTER

Hey, mate.

Hey.

Where's the blunts? I want a blunt.

Are you Oscar Fusilama?

Maybe.
(SNIGGERS)

And you — you are Cheryl West, eh?

I hear you've been trying to offload
certain goods to certain parties.

I dunno what you're talking about.

What's the going rate for flogging
hot bog paper to the Asians?

Nah. No idea, eh.

You know I've got connections.

Not any more you don't, Mrs West.

God, I stink of chips.

Why weren't you at work?

I finished early.

We had to pay for our food.

Pick out the cockroaches.

Where are you going?

Just dinner — with Rene.

Just dinner?

He wants to have
just dinner with me.

You're gonna root him.

What's it to you?

Guys never mean just dinner.

I know what guys mean when by 'just
dinner'. I'm not a stupid virgin.

OK, whatever.

Pascalle and Rene — doesn't have
quite the same ring as Rachel and
Rod, does it?

Does no one in this family
realise I know what I'm doing?

Do you think he'll
try it on with her?

Yeah, Kurt, I do.

Well, what do you expect
me to do? Try and save her?

We were very impressed with
the stables. Weren't we, Van?

Yep.

Mr Hong is a whizz in the kitchen.
And I love his wontons.

Like little fried testicles.

You are naughty.

And you love it.

Van, you are happy here?

Yeah, it's all right.

Eat.

Go on, eat.

Sauce.

You don't like fried testicle?

You like my daughter?

Yeah.

You like my wife?

No.

I mean,... yeah.

I love my wife.

Any man who touch her —

OIL SIZZLES

...wonton.

Chop suey. Palusami.
Do you like palusami?

I have no idea.

Hey, I'm famous.

Really?

Local paper come down to the
picket line to take our picture.

I really wish you guys
would go back to work.

Have you caught those criminals yet?

I know who it is —
some local shitbag.

Maori boy.
No, Samoan or Tongan.

Those Tongans, they're bad.

Oscar someone.

Oscar?

Oscar Fusilama?

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

(IMITATES FALLING b*mb)

Get this down you. Nice and
smooth. Nights in White Satin.

Cool name. Aren't you having one?

Ah, it's a lady's drink.

Mmm!

Yum. Oh! I'm such a klutz.

Don't worry. I've got plenty more.

How about a kiss?

But I thought you didn't want to.

A kiss is all right, isn't it?
Just a little one.

How was that?

CHUCKLES: Whoa.

Let's have a drink to my career.
Well, the one I'll have when I get
my photos.

Yeah, I'll drink to that.

TINK!

I get drunk really easily.

Ooh, really?

KNOCK AT DOOR
[ LORETTA: Pascalle! Hey!

Who is it?
My stupid sister.

Hey! Hey, open this door!
You've got my sister in there!

Piss off, Loretta!

I've come to rescue you.
And she's not alone.

I don't need rescuing.
Are you sure, now?

I'm positive. Just f*ck off!

Well, I guess she didn't
want to be rescued.

I apologise for my
family — no manners.

Oh, no worries.

I feel a little bit woozy.

Already?

Maybe... you'd like to lie down.

OK. Just make sure
I wake up for dinner.

Where were we?

Wake up.

Wakey-wakey!

What the f*ck?

What happened?

Oh, no (!)

It was meant to be me passed out,
and you having all the fun.

But you forgot, Rene —
I've been on West Auckland dates.

I've learnt one or two things in my
time — like never close your eyes
when you're kissing.

BOTH CHUCKLE

Always keep an eye on your drink.

My negatives — where are they?

Where are they, Rene?

I don't have them.
Really?

No.
All righty.

Ugh!

LAUGHS: It's out of staples!

It's out of staples,
you stupid bitch!

You think that's gonna stop me?

[ I don't have your stupid
negatives. I trashed them. I knew
you would never get the money.

There are girls like you all over
this town — think they're special.

What's special is you're gonna
do five years for kidnapping.

You'd go to the cops?
In a heartbeat, sweetie.

You invited me here.

My sister was here worried about
me, so in the my-word-against-yours
stakes, I'm ahead — don't you agree?

Thought so.
Where are you going?

I will not live in Snapper Shack
hell because of a worm like you.

Whatever. Untie me, Pascalle.

I don't need you or your
shit photos. I will move on.

Untie me!
f*ck you, Rene. You had your
chance and you blew it.

But my cleaner doesn't
come till Monday! (BLUSTERS)

I don't have to work in a factory.
I'm a high roller. I can hook you
guys up with a job sometime.

WHACK!

Auntie.
I am so ashamed.

Oh, look, I don't what she told you—

You lie and steal!

I didn't even—

You give that toilet paper back!

Sorry! (MUTTERS)

Where's Mr Hong?

Gone to watch one of Suzy's stupid
horses at the stupid races.

Oh, my father left this for you.
What's this?

It's called money.
You get it when you work.

He has all this just lying around?

He's in business. He pays in cash.

(PATS SEAT) Sit.

(CHUCKLES) Arf!

Arf!

Good boy.

So, Van, what do you think about
my evil bitch-queen stepmother?

Oh, she's OK, I guess.

Has she... come on to you yet?

What? No! No way!

She will. It's only a matter of
time. And she looks OK too, for
an ageing trolley dolly.

So it wouldn't be too disgusting.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hang on. Y-You want me to—?

Look, Suzy is a gold-digging tramp,
but my father can't see it yet.

So, I need someone to help me open
his eyes and get her out of my
house.

You know, Van, if you help me,...

I'd be really... very grateful.

If Suzy goes, there's
no more sex with Suzy.

And if she goes, then Mr Hong
knows — so my balls are deep-fried
wontons, man.

But if you get rid of Suzy,
you get to pork Tracy.

Yeah, but my balls are wontons.

You can't root anything
with deep-fried balls, man.

Reckon they would go a threesome?

Nah, I don't think so.

And Mr Hong gave me bucks, man.

For sleeping with his wife?

Nah, for working and shit.
Oh.

Yeah.

Well, we definitely need to
work on this threesome idea.

What do you mean, 'we'?

Have Big Foods got
their toilet paper back?
Mm-hm.

And Noel Greenwood realised it was
an accounting error, and I have my
job back.

Love your mince, Mum.
Suck-up.

Greaseball. So, who was behind
the great toilet-paper heist?

Oh, Mrs T's nephew. Some two-bit
gangsta wannabe — no one we know.

Three of them, eh.

Big guys — huge, man.

Jumped me, eh. And, so, I have
to give back the bog paper, eh.

So, sorry, Wolf.

Yeah, right.

.

That's me.

You've probably heard this
before, but are you a model?

No. Not yet.

Lucky for me.
Really? Why?

It means I've discovered you before
anyone else. Give me a call. We can
talk opportunities.

And you are—?
Pascalle. Pascalle West.

That's a beautiful name
for a very beautiful woman.

(CHUCKLES GOOFILY)

Thank you.

It didn't happen overnight,
but it did happen!

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.' ♪