01x08 - My Dearest Foe

[bunniefuu]

I just want a future for our kids.
Can you get your thick skull around
that and let me do it?

Not when I see you pissing all
we've worked for down the drain,

when I hear about
how my kids are living.

They're fine.

They'll hate you for
the rest of their lives.

The only dream here is your dream of
us living in poverty. Some f*cking
dream (!)

I'm trying to do
the best for this family.

It's not working, is it?

I will make it one day,
and then I'll help you all.

Make the world a better place (?)

Yeah.

They arrived first thing this
morning. You really shouldn't have.

You didn't have to make a fuss
on my birthday. Nobody else did.

w*nk*r.
Where's Van when we need him?

God, I never thought
I'd utter those words.

OK, you head off to work,

and thanks again — they're lovely.

The toast we made
you is getting cold.

I'll eat it in the car.

Have fun with your friends.

Don't start, Loretta. Not today.

Not starting anything.

It's a job. I need the money.

And they're such nice
people to work with (!)

♪ Happy birthday, Mum. ♪

Happy birthday, Mrs West.

Ohhh, thank you, Van.

Should I ask you at all
where you were last night?

I crashed at Munter's.
This is for you.

You shouldn't have.
He didn't. We did.

It's from all of us.
Well, you all shouldn't have.

Maybe if we'd sent flowers.

Wow. It's big, isn't it?

Oh.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Oh my goodness.
Yeah. ]

Gosh.

Wow.

Um, well, thank you.

Thank you.

It's, um...

LAUGHS: Wow.
Yeah. I'm glad you like it.

Yep. Yep.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna hang it on my
wall there as soon as I get home
from work.

After serving the scum of the earth.

Can you get over yourself, Loretta?

Your words, not mine.
When?

You said that insurance companies
are scum who use people like Dad to
raise their premiums

and make exorbitant profits.

Yeah, well, it's a job,
love, and I need a job.

Then have a nice day.

You'll have to fend for yourselves
tonight. I'll be a bit late home.

We're getting used to it.

Hey, have a nice day, Mum.
Thanks, love.

OK. Bye.

Wicked.

What?
How stoned were you last night?

Why?

w*nk*r and his twin
brother, Dickhead.
Whatever. ]

Last time you ever
get to choose a present.

Maybe if you didn't ring me at pm

going, 'Oh, shit, tomorrow's Mum's
birthday,' I... could've... uh...

f*ck. You know, I've got my own crap
job to go to. I don't need this
shit.

Heard your old lady left you.

How cold is that?

I was getting over it,
but thanks anyway.

Cards, eh?

Why? You got money?
Sure.

Sit down.

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.' ♪

COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

RADIO DIES

ENGINE DIES

Piece of shit.

You stupid piece of shit!

Why are you putting that thing
there where everyone can see it?

As a symbol of what we've come to.

I hate birthdays. They
remind me how old I'm getting.

You're .

Rachel Hunter was when
she was on the cover of Vogue.

God, you are so over the hill (!)

Shut up.

[ The clock is ticking.

I said shut up.

No, the clock is actually ticking.
Now you can watch the hours drain
from your useless life.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Yeah.

Hi, this is Xena from Stratosphere.
Is Pascalle there please?

Xena, it's me. You called my mobile.

Whatever. There's a cattle
call for a photo sh**t.

What is it this time? Boob tubes,
hot pants and mag wheels?

It's a charity campaign.

Poster girl on an
envelope and stuff.

They couldn't find a pretty ret*rd?

It's for animals, I think.

Did... you say animals?

Hey, Cheryl.

Falani.

What happened to your tow truck?

It's broken.

So, uh, what's wrong?

You're the bloody mechanic, Falani.

Yeah. That's very true.

Very true, yeah.

You're insured, right? Just say you
parked it outside the Rusty Nail
and it turned up on Scenic Drive

and it's all burned up,
and start crying because—

Yeah, I know the routine, Falani.
What I wanna know is how much it'll
cost to fix.

Nah, you don't.
Yeah, I do.

Nah. I mean you don't.

Just fix it, Falani. I'll pay
whatever. And legitimate parts.

Mm. Come on.

Pascalle West?

Oh my God. It is you.

I mean, I always used to look at
you, like, 'She's so beautiful, like
a model,'

and here you are — you're a model!

You don't remember me, do you?

Chantelle Lazenby? Only I'm just
Chantelle now. One name's classier,
don't you think?

Chantelle from Irish dancing?

Jesus Christ, but you were...

?
Yeah, that too.

Oh, and fat.

Really, really fat.

Well, not any more, thanks to you.

Me?
You inspired me.

Oh, it was Loretta
who could dance, not me.

Oh, not with dancing — with my life.

Wouldn't this be an
amazing job to land?

Hell, yes.

Did you know that Rachel does work
with the animals? Like, the gorillas
in the Congo?

Which Rachel's that?

Rachel Hunter.

Oh, I don't really
like Rachel that much.

Chantelle?

Really great seeing you,
Pascalle. And good luck, eh.

Hey, Chantelle.

Just out of curiosity, how
old are you these days?

.

Of course you are.

BOTH WHISPER

Tim Tam?
Oh. Thanks.

Cheers.

f*ck.
Know this person well?

Oh, nah, she's kind
of an acquaintance.

Is the claim dodgy?

Well, I didn't really get past
the name on the cover sheet. I just
wanted to see what the guts is.

Well, the guts is it's a small
world in the suburbs. Happens all
the time. Just be professional.

You on for after work?

Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah.

Hey.
Oh.

Happy birthday.
Ohh. Thanks, Eric.

SLURS: Come and have a drink.

Nah, I can't. I'm with some people.

Ah.
They look nice.

Yeah, they're not really
your kind of people, Eric.

OK.
See you later.

Oh, I hope you liked your present.

Thanks, Cheryl.

Hey, check this out. This sweet
old guy comes in to report a theft,

and he's got pictures of all the
stuff that was taken, including
this,

which he swears is really valuable
and there would be collectors all
over the world after it.

I mean, really, would you? Would
you even want it in your house?

ALL LAUGH

See you later, Cheryl.

Women, mate,

are from another planet.

Uranus. (SNIGGERS)

Mars, mate.

Or one of them planets that I reckon
you ought to blame for everything.

Chantelle Lazenby?!

It's just Chantelle now.
How pretentious is that?

But back then, if the question was,
'Who ate all the pies?', the answer
was Chantelle Lazenby.

Mind you, she always had a kind
of indefinable cuteness through
the layers of fat.

Tell me how to deal with her.

She said I inspired her.

But you were the ringleader of
a group of girls who teased her
mercilessly about her weight.

You inspired her to bulimia!

I inspired her to
a modelling career.

[ Same thing.

Loretta, I am destined to get this
campaign. All that stands in my way
is Chantelle bloody Lazenby.

Long card game.

You guys are still up.

Scavenging for food to
feed our growing bodies.

I'll go to the supermarket tomorrow,
get you guys something to eat.

Whenever.
CLOCK CUCKOOS

Aww, Jesus! Who put that thing up?

Don't you just love it? ]

Guess not.

God, it's ugly.

(SNIFFS)

Oh!
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry.

Um, what are you doing
in my bathroom, by the way?

Moisturising.

Well, uh, good.

Yeah, smelled nice, yeah.

Yeah, it's Pascalle's.

Oh, OK.

Actually, it's quite refreshing,
you know? On the skin?

Gives me a bit of a lift. So I can
go out there and win back some money
off that old prick.

He is an old prick. Good
luck winning your money back.

Hey, next time Van of any one of
my kids turn up birthday-present
shopping,

can you not sell them stolen goods?

What? Was that clock stolen?!

Don't be a dork.

Yeah, all right. You
always knew what's what.

It's the ugliest clock in the world.

How f*cking hard can it be?

Sorry.

A lot of the time — most nights —
I just wish you'd come back.

That's not going to happen now,
especially since I've got a job.

In insurance.

Don't you start.

Oh, I'm not saying anything.
I'm just saying you've got a job.

In insurance.
Yeah. Can I have my bathroom back?

Sure.

(LAUGHS) It used to crack me up
how when Chantelle Lazenby did a
jig,... (LAUGHS)

different bits of her
would, like, jiggle.

GIRLS LAUGH

And it was never quite
in time to the music.

Remember that time
she stood on your foot?

Yes! That was some serious pain.

So she's hot now?

I wouldn't go that far.

I suppose she was always kind
of cute, even when she was fat.

Shut up.

Yeah, if she's skinny, I'd boof her.

If she wasn't a d*ke.

How do you know she's a d*ke?

Oh, you remember that competition
where you won all those trophies?

After that, I tried to pash her up
and she told me to piss off, so she
must be a d*ke.

Van, she was .

So she started being a d*ke early.

Right.

There is always the Showgirls
option. When the blonde chick pushed
the other one down the stairs?

What, when Nomi pushes Cristal?

Mm. Or whatever
the model equivalent is.

Shit, I love that film.

Why? For the cinematic genius (?)

Or cos there's lots of p*ssy sh*ts?

Thanks for that, Falani.

Yeah, I promise I'll fix the
courtesy car and let you have it.

Why don't you just fix my car?

Oh yeah, right. OK.

Hanging out the whites, Case?

Cheryl!

You make this stuff?

Well, I make it in my spare time,
which is most of the time, with
Murray inside again — bloody idiot.

Still love him, though.

You know me — shit taste in
blokes. Hey, how's Wolf doing?

He's all right.

LAUGHS: Christ, Case. How much
of this stuff do you need?

Nah, I don't wear it.

Well, I do, but not during the day.

Nah, I'm gonna start
a business, selling it.

You've always been good
with the sewing machine.

You could sell it,
through the store.

I'm not working there any more.

The cops shut it down?

Eric's running it.

Oh, OK.

I've got a legitimate job,
working for Jorgenson's Fidelity.

Yeah? I'm insured with them.

Yeah, I know. It's my
job to assess the claims.

Casey, you have never played golf
in your life, much less owned five
grand's worth of golf clubs.

Yeah, well, you know that.

This is the worst fake receipt I've
seen, and I've seen a lot of them.

Murray's brother did it for me.
He said it would work for sure.

You are lucky I found this,

or the cops would have
been all over it.

I need the money.

And I need my job.

With an insurance company?
You can do better than that.

Are you listening to me?
No more bogus claims.

All I want is some money
to start my business.

And you will, and it'll be great,

but this is not the way to do it.

I say to my wife I'm gonna play
poker with my boys, she gets upset,

but do I show her the
back of my hand? Nah.

I just make love to her till she
falls asleep and take her money.

Come on. Would you call?

Two fours.

Full house.

I hope she's got a deep purse, bro.

Samoan styles. I'm toying with
him, then I'll reel him in.

I'm going into town to mess
with Chantelle Lazenby's head.

Cool.
Soon, she'll be finished
as a model in this town.

Very Showgirls.

Ta.

Well, the company encourages its
employees to insure with them.

Yeah, I know.
If you insure with the company,
you're entitled to claim.

Yeah, of course.

Is there something wrong
with Catherine's claim?

No. No, no.

I'll check it, if it
makes you feel better.

Nah.

Like I said yesterday, I'm just
trying to find out how things work
here.

Sometimes I feel like
I'm swimming for my life.

You swim very well.

You're settling in great.

Thanks.

Terrible thing about
Catherine's car.

Pops into the shops, two days later
it's torched in Scenic Drive.

Yeah, I know. I read the report.

Mm.
Night, Cheryl.

Oh, night.

Goodnight.
Night.

Night, Cheryl.
See you.

Night, Cheryl.
Night-night.

CAR ALARM CHEEPS

CAR ALARM CHEEPS

CAR ALARM CHEEPS

See you. Do you need a lift, Cheryl?

No, I'm fine. I'm waiting
for someone — my mechanic.

Cars, eh? Not worth the trouble.

CAR ENGINE STARTS

Really good E, eh?
(GIGGLES)

Do you want another one?

(GIGGLES)

Oh yeah, I wanted to say something
about the animal thing.

I really hope you get it.
Do you?

Yeah, you need it
way more than I do.

I hate animals.

No one hates animals.

Yeah, they have fleas
and poo in the street.

So,...

if you get it, will you say no?

No. I think models have
a duty to save the environment.

Like that thing you were saying
about Rachel Hunter and the hippos
in Asia?

The gorillas in Africa?

Well, anyway, it doesn't matter,
cos I know they're gonna choose you.

Do you feel like dancing?

Yes.
Cool.

PEOPLE WHISTLE

You're a bad, bad man.

I can't stand any more of this.

If you put this bloody
thing up again...

You don't mean that. ]
Yeah, I mean it. ]

No, deep down, if you really didn't
want me to put the clock back up,
you'd destroy it.

I can't destroy it. It was
a present. Besides, it might
be valuable.

You see? This is what gives me hope
that maybe you haven't gone over to
the Dark Side forever.

Van, Van, help me out? Your
grandfather's cleaning me out.

Do you remember that old
motorbike I used to have?

The day I learned never
to play poker with Grandad.

Cheers.
Good luck.

I thought you liked it.
And I thought I made myself
clear about stolen property.

Nah, you said we weren't
allowed to nick stuff.

Receiving is also a crime!

So you reckon the cops
will raid us for a clock?

Is possession of ugly a crime?

Bugger off.
Shut up, d*ke.

Look, it's not that I don't
appreciate the present. I do.
Just don't do it again.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah.
This is Xena from Stratosphere.

Oh. Hi, Xena.

They want to push the call
time forward half an hour.

Sorry?

For the... Save the Things sh**t.

Save the Animals?

Yeah. Them.

So can you do o'clock tomorrow?

Yeah. Sure. Fantastic.

I heard you were dancing on tables

with that westie trash
with the pretentious name.

You mean Chantelle?

No.

Why would I mean you?

Then who do you mean?

Pascalle, of course.
Like that's her real name.

It is, actually.
No way.

Xena, this is
Pascalle West speaking.

So what are you doing
on Chantelle's phone?

My mistake.

So can you tell her that the time
I told her yesterday has changed?

You told her yesterday?

Yeah.

Is that for me?

Tell her yourself.

You slept with Chantelle Lazenby?
No.

You woke up in her bed.

Not the way you're thinking.

How do you know? You were wasted.

You're missing the point.
That bitch stole my destiny.

And she doesn't even like animals.

That little slut knew she had the
job all along. 'I just know they're
gonna choose you.'

Yeah, no way does that sound
like something you'd ever do (!)

I know. Bitch.

Why are you putting that thing up
again? Mum will just take it down.

It's a battle of wills.

She knows that I know, so she'll
call and explain how she wanted to
tell me,

but she just couldn't, because she
didn't wanna hurt my feelings, and
then her arse is mine.

If it wasn't already last night.

All right, let's be having it.

King and a four.

No.

Nah.

The difference between women and
men is women know how to look after
themselves.

And men love to watch
while they do it.

Come on, Rochelle.

All I'm saying is a woman will
win over a man every time.

Pair of queens.

Oh, man.

Samoan-style, eh, bro?

Oh, shut up. ]

Three nines.
Ohhh.

Son of a bitch. ]

WOMEN LAUGH

Hey, Pascalle.

As predicted, she called.

You must hate me.

I, of course, played it cool.
Told her I was thrilled she got it.

I wanted to tell you, but I was
afraid I'd hurt your feelings.

As you predicted.

She is so predictable.

So I suggested a drink.

OK, just a quick one. I've got
a o'clock call in the morning.

Just a quick one, I said.

But, in reality?

Little Miss Slut Features likes
to party, right? But has she truly
partied with the best?

Well, she did get you in the sack.

Sorry?

She caught me by surprise with
that E, but I'm buying the drinks
and the dr*gs,

and let's see if the fat
Irish-dancing bitch can make
her o'clock call

when she's up at the A & E
getting her stomach pumped.

You're all class, Pascalle (!)

Mm.

They're comforting me
in me hour of need.

Any chance soon this comfort's
gonna... (LOUDLY) bugger off?

I'm feeling so much better now.

Yeah, I bet you are.

Falani, I want my car back.

Waiting for parts.

Straight. Read 'em and weep.

Five, six, seven,...

nine and .

Oh, m*therf*cker...

Pascalle in for dinner?

No. She's got this...
thing she needs to do.

Anything I should know about?

Not really.

And how about you?
Are you in for dinner?

Yep, I'm in for dinner.

So no night out
with the girls, then?

No, no night out with the girls.

[ CUCKOO! CUCKOO!

(GROANS)

Loretta, why do you keep putting
that f*cking thing back up again?

How did you not notice it earlier? ]

It's stolen property.

Van bought it from Eric.
What are the odds?

We cannot afford to have
stolen property in this house.

That's most of the
furniture gone, then.

That's different.

The furniture here is—

The remnants of our previous life?

No, it's...

just stuff I can't
afford to replace right now.

You're kidding yourself, thinking
you'll be happy in your job.

Shut up.
Mum, you're not cut out for—

I said shut up. I'm sick of your
lecturing. Give it a f*cking break!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi.

Penny. Hi.

Wondered if you fancied a drink.

Uh, yeah, why not?

Just a few friends I've got over.

So I see.

Give me a minute.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Thought we should come
here so we can talk.

Figured as much.

I presume this is about the little
scam you and the girls have got
going.

What scam would that be?
Oh, you know —

everyone approving everyone else's
bullshit insurance claims while you
keep the higher-ups at bay.

I knew you'd figure it out.

Just have to punch in a few names in
the computer — they've all had their
houses done over, cars broken into.

Except for they work for the most
understanding insurance company on
the planet.

My girls, they're, um,... (SIGHS)
well, they're like you and me.

A bit damaged.

[ That's why I chose them.

Never really thought
of myself as damaged.

Oh, divorced, separated,

victims of useless-shit men that
have never done us any favours.

Cheryl, it's a beautiful thing:
no one gets greedy, no one gets
caught;

just one chick helping another.

Very noble (!)

These women have been hurt by the
men in their lives, Cheryl. They
deserve something back.

[ You deserve something back.

Now, how am I gonna get that?

I've been getting the hard word —
time to move up the corporate
ladder. Head office.

So it means leaving all this behind?

Unless I groom someone to take over.

Why me? Why not
Katherine or someone?

Because, nice as she is,
she isn't you.

She isn't Cheryl West.

Jesus, Cheryl, you think I can work
in insurance out here and not know
about the West family?

Wolf's doing four years, leaving you
to look after the kids on your own.
Van's keeping his nose clean,

and Jethro's doing
very well for himself.

We talk to the police,
the police talk to us.

The West family file is very
impressive. I'll show it to you
sometime.

The whole point is, Cheryl, I'm not
here to judge you on your past, but
to put it to good use.

[ More wine?

But is it a good scam?

It's not bad. But they're
doing it all wrong.

They've got lazy and greedy
with their fancy f*cking cars.

If anyone looks, and some
pencil-pushing prick will,

cos insurance companies are full of
bastards like that, everything leads
straight back to them.

They need to... They need to
spread it across fake accounts—

Jesus, what the f*ck am I doing?
I can't even entertain the thought.

Why not?

You know why not.

This is why the Wests have never
been much good at what you might
call actual jobs.

Too much stress.

Pretty soon you'll start worrying
about pointless shit like taxes.

Then you'll wake up one morning
and you're one of them.

One of what?

Pencil-pushing prick.

Piss off back to your game.

Hey, I only left the table for a
slash. You're the one who said,
'Got a minute?'

(LAUGHS)

And I always think that your first
real big job stays with you for the
rest of your career.

You mean, like, Rachel Hunter
and that trombone ice cream?

Trumpet ice cream.

Yeah, I mean, what if you're forever
known as the Ret*rded girl holding
the puppy?

Where did the Ret*rded bit come in?

Everyone knows that anyone on
a charity thing is Ret*rded,

and you can't escape your
past, Chantelle — no way.

You're so, so right.

Call them.

Tell them they can stick their poxy
animal campaign up the puppy's arse.

Tell them now.

I will.

MUFFLED: Oh, thanks.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

(VOMITS)

(LAUGHS)

Oh.

(MOANS SOFTLY)

(LAUGHS)

See, bitch? You mess with a West,
you mess with the best.

(GIGGLES)

You trying to punish me cos
Ted's taken all your money?

He's an evil man.

But this bill's worth
more than my car.

You said you wanted it fixed;
I fixed it. You said everything
above the table.

Tall f*ckin' table.

Payment in seven days.

BUZZER SOUNDS

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Hi.

Thought I would've seen
you on your birthday.

Oh, sorry. My car broke down.

I baked you a cake.

(LAUGHS)

I baked you a cake.

Iced it and everything.
Really?

You didn't show up.

It got eaten. I don't
wanna talk about it.

Well, disappointing
everyone this week.

At least you'll be able to pay
for the car with your new job.

Or get a brand new flash one.

Jeez, Cheryl,...

all those sermons about going
straight, you end up working for
the biggest crooks in town.

Maybe I am.

Maybe you can't change the world.
Maybe it is the piece of shit that
it is.

Maybe.

If so much as one bloody
'I told you so' passes your lips...

You wanna tell me what's going on?

No.

Morning, Cheryl.

Uh, you should know I thought
about what you said last night.

And...?
Uh, it's not for me, I'm afraid.

Oh. Fair enough.

But, um, if you're worried about me
spilling the beans, that's not the
way I work. Sorry.

Oh well, you can't
blame me for asking.

No.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Hello.

Good morning, sleepyhead.

You must feel like shit.
Where are you?

I'll give you one guess.
The photo sh**t.

Only just made it in time.

But you looked so beautiful lying
there, I almost didn't wanna leave.

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHS) Pascalle,
I expected better from you.

Back then you could twist me
round your little finger,

but now the best you can do is get
me pissed so I miss my call time?

Did you forget you were dealing
with the girl who could eat eight
hot dogs and nine cream buns,

and then dance a jig without
chucking? Did you forget you were
dealing with Garbage Guts Lazenby?

Hey, but, um, thanks for last
night, Pascalle. I had a really
good time,...

if you know what I mean.

f*cking bitch.

We've had a look at staffing levels,

and it's been decided your talents
could best be utilised over at the
Pakuranga branch.

Look, I'm a fairly reasonable woman,
Penny. You made me an offer. I said
no.

I don't deserve to be
sent to Siberia.

Pakuranga.

Same difference. Look, I don't care
what you and the girls are up to.

Nothing to do with that.

Don't bullshit me.

Do whatever the hell you want —
I'm not gonna say anything. But
that part of my life is over.

I'm thrilled to hear that,
Cheryl. Good for you (!)

Just remember I've got a file on
you, and I can make your life very
difficult.

You wanted to see me?

Shut the door.

Where is it?
Where's what?

My car.
Dunno where your car is.

Don't f*ck with me, Cheryl.

Or what? You'll s*ab me?

I want my car back.

Well, you're talking
to the wrong person.

Yeah (!) It was just coincidence
my car goes missing
and you're out of the office.

I was just out paying some bills.

This should cover my bill and what
you lost to Grandpa, don't you
reckon?

Should do it.

Why do you care?

You're insured. You probably won't
even lose your no-claims bonus.

I wanna know where my car is!

And I don't know where your car is,
Penny, but my guess is it'll turn up
soon — maybe on Scenic Drive.

You come near me, Penny,
I'll break your f*cking arm.

You are fired.
Yeah, I guessed that.

So she had her wicked way with you.

I woke up in her bed,
Loretta — that's all.

But, again, you were too
out of it to remember.

For a skanky ho, Garbage Guts
Lazenby has the constitution
of an ox.

Not to mention being
underhanded and evil.

I am so too innocent for this job.

Yeah (!)

What if that's what it takes to be
a model and I haven't got it?

Well, I'm sure Rachel Hunter
would never stoop so low.

That is very true.

Plus, the bitch made
one fatal mistake.
She did?

Never call to gloat when your
enemy's still in your house.

You took all her clothes?

And her shoes.

What did you do with them?

Well, it's all about
charity, isn't it?

Even though you are over the hill,
there may still be hope for you in
this modelling game.

Plus, Chantelle was fat once,
and you can't escape genetics.

Hey, you know that insurance
claim you didn't fill out?

Yeah.
Yeah, I was really stupid and I—

You're gonna get a cheque in
the mail soon from the insurance
company.

It's not much, but it's enough
to get the ball rolling.

But I thought you
ripped up the claim.

Well, this is, um,
kind of a new claim —

sewing machine fell off
a truck, literally.

You might want to change insurance
companies afterwards just to be on
the safe side.

Why?

Why? I don't understand.

Well, you know that knicker company
you got going? I thought maybe you
might need someone

to run the business side of things.

Yeah, I know.

You mean you?

Well, I thought, 'Why the hell not?'

If I'm gonna spend the rest of my
life going down in flames, I might
as well take my mates with me.

(SCREAMS WITH DELIGHT)

Call.

Pair of tens.

You went all-in on a pair of tens?

Um,...

pair of tens.

Actually,...

pair of tens.

Un-f*cking-believable.

All right, then,
Mr Bloody Card Shark...

Two pairs — twos and fours.

You took us all on
with a two and a four?

f*cking tinny bastard!

Evil old prick, more like it!

I feel much better now.
That's me.

Jesus Christ. ]

Do you know, I've decided I like it.

Really?
Yeah.

Kind of like... us,

you know? Like our family.

Ugly and old?

Ignore her — model mid-life crisis.

Oink, oink.

Oi. Arrest that old
bastard over there.

Hey, Cheryl.

Hey, Pascalle.

Piss off.

Um, I'm a bit tied up right now,
guys. Is this a business call?

You tell me. You know
anything about clocks?

Clocks?
Clocks.

You're gonna have to be a
bit more specific than that.

This clock, to be specific.

Mm. That's one ugly clock.

Yeah, well, you're not wrong there.

What would I want with that clock?

Apparently it's really valuable.
To people who make ugly clocks?

Look, surely you guys have
got better things to do.

You wouldn't believe how many
better things I've got to do.

CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES
Sergeant. It—

Shut up, Hickey.

When someone passes on information
about stolen property, I'm obliged,
you know?

Well, next time you turn up with a
search warrant, I'll invite you in
for a cup of tea.

But that'd be a waste
of time, wouldn't it?

I'm guessing it would.

I thought as much.
Mm-hm.

Thanks for your time.
OK. Bye.

DOGS BARK IN DISTANCE

Should I send the symbol
of our family back to Eric?

No. I'll deal with it.

Oh, shit!

Don't worry. There's no one in a
balaclava waiting to do you over.

Though there should be, after
you set the cops on to me.
Get out.

I've just got a couple of things
I need to say to you, and then I'm
gone and it's over between us, OK?

You know, I really loved my job.
I loved being the office junior.

I loved going out for drinks with
the girls. I loved being part of
some kind of brand new world.

So when you took all that away from
me, it really pissed me off. I just
want you to know that

so you know where I'm coming from.

Penny, I don't give a rat's arse if
you think you've got some kind of
Robin Hood routine going on here

with you and all your other
victims of crap choices in men.

If you wanna play at being
criminals, Penny, it's no skin
off my nose.

But if you send the cops after me
again, or you do anything to any
member of my family,

I know real criminals, and they will
turn the houses over of you and all
your friends

and they will do it over and over
again until I tell them to stop.

Are we understanding each other now?

Yep.

And for your information,
I'm nobody's victim — no man's,
and I'm certainly not yours.

By the way, I left you a present.

COINS RATTLE

Hi. I'm collecting for
Save the Animals from Cruelty.

I hope the animals all die!