02x11 - Get Thee to Bed

[bunniefuu]

You... bought me a present?

If you've already got it, I can
exchange it for a bottle of tequila.

No. It's great.

GRANDPA: 'You're jealous.'
LORETTA: 'Of what?'

'Your sister.'
'Because she's got him
and you haven't.'

'Who?'
The one you've got feelings for.

Look, I do not have any feelings
for Hayden-bloody-Peters.

I would like to sleep
at your place with you.

You have to piss off before
everyone else wakes up.
What?

These people are ticks
bleeding you dry.

When things don't turn out how
they want, you let them blame you.

KASEY: 'Since she came in,
she's been gunning for me.'

You evil Chinese witch.

Do you realise my entire
family now hates you?

Yeah, not really
scaring me that much.

I've got nothing against
women. I love women.

But they can be a real pain in
the arse at times, you know?

Yeah.

They're good trousers.

You think? I'm not sure.

The thing with women is knowing
when to push the off button.

You know — 'Thank you very much.
That was fun. Back off. Getting too
close.' Off button. Fade to black.

(CHUCKLES)

That striped shirt you had on
before, try it with those trousers.

Yeah, you might be right.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Jethro West.

I need your help again.

Pascalle, I'm busy.

I heard you were gay-boy shopping
with Hayden. I need somewhere new
to do my community service.

What's wrong with the workshop?

You call one kid spazzo, he cries.

Then the other retards start crying,
snot on their noses, and I'm public
enemy number one.

Get a grip, people.
Jesus Christ, Pascalle.

What? He was giving
me unwanted hugs.

At this rate it'll take
me years do my hours.

They may as well send me to prison
to be ravaged by bull dykes.

I'll see what I can do, eh.

Cool. I love you. And Hayden
has a deformed penis.

Pascalle says hi.

I'll sort her out with something.
Like what? ]

What do you care?

Somewhere you don't
have to worry about.

Just don't tell Pascalle it was me —
she'll melt down in your face.

(LAUGHS)

You see, your sister is precisely
the reason why I am a bachelor for
life.

You let a woman get too close and
they want to rule you for the rest
of your life.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Jethro West.

I'm bored. Everyone's gone
cos we're out of leopard print,

and Cheryl's out, so there's no one
to be mean to. Where are you?

Just out.

Mm. Gay-boy shopping with Hayden.

Two men shopping
together is not gay.

If you were shopping for power
tools. Where you going for lunch?

Who says we're going for lunch?

You always go for lunch when you're
out being gay together. Usual place?

Yeah, the usual place.

See you there.

Tracy's meeting us for lunch.

Aah! My God. Help me!

Get the f*ck off me!

(SCREAMS)

HELLO SAILOR'S
'GUTTER BLACK' PLAYS

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, me.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

BOTH LAUGH

Ow.
We're naughty.

It's all your fault.

Like shit.

You're the one that dragged me into
bed in the middle of the afternoon.

You dragged me, more like.

No way. You're a
real slut, you are.

No, you're the slut.

Boys can't be sluts.

Yes, they can.

When they drag innocent girls off to
their beds when they should be doing
their housework,

that's pretty slutty.

Hey, you think the seven dwarves
ever dragged Snow White off to bed

when she was doing her housework?

Yeah. All the time.

It was g*ng-bang central.

Man, if I'd known you had such
a grubby mind, I never would have
hooked up with you, eh.

See? Now we have no secrets.

Choice.

Uh-huh.

You in love with her?

God, no.

Fatal mistake, that.

I'm not in love with Tracy, OK?

She must have it off. We should
order. She can catch up when she
gets here.

Tracy. You can get the girls back —
that bastard finally coughed up.

Hello?

Tracy?

f*cking hell.

TRACY: Do you hear what I'm saying?
Do you hear what I'm saying?

When I find out who you are, I will
rip your f*cking lungs out and stuff
them back down your f*cking throa!

Is he pissed off cos I picked
that piece of paper up?
Pretty much.

It was lying there. If I want to
read it, I have to pick it up.

It's not my fault if whoever it was
can't stick some pieces of paper to
another piece of paper.

Poor bloody Gavin.
Poor bloody who?

Gavin.

He gets all Asian kidnappings. He's
the most overworked cop in Auckland.

Gee, I feel really sorry for Gav (!)

It's a tough job for him. Nobody
likes him, and the families want him
to piss off.

They want to do it on the quiet —
honour and all that stuff.

Hey, my business partner and my
son's girlfriend's been kidnapped.

Yeah, and Gavin's all over it.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Yeah, hey, Mum.

What is it?

I'm sorry — she's been what?

Why? I mean, is there a note?

OK. Sure.

Um, thanks for calling.

What?

Tracy's been kidnapped.

No, piss off.

I'm serious, man. There's
a note and everything.

Bloody hell.

Shit. Uh, I should go.

Yeah.

I don't know where to go.
Go to Tracy's.

Yeah, she lives with her parents.

So?

Well, they shifted recently.
I don't exactly know where.

So you don't actually
know where she lives?

She probably told me, but...

But you forgot.

Well, I never wrote it down.

All right. Makes things
a little awkward.

Yeah.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Hello?

I've done it.

Who did what?

Our mutual problem.

Who is this?

You know who.

No, I don't think so, creep.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Hello!
Pascalle, it's me.

Me who?

I can't say over the phone, can I?
Someone might be listening.

Yeah, well, it won't be me if
you don't tell me who you are.

SOFTLY: It's Eric.

I've taken care of our problem.

What problem?

The one that's been
making our lives a misery.

My whole life is a misery.

The one with the initials T H.

Someone with the initials T H
is making our lives a misery.

God, Eric, how am I supposed to know
who the hell you're talking about?

For Christ's sake — Tracy Hong.

What about her?

I've arranged a little
Chinese takeaway.

You're feeding her?

No, she's Chinese
and I've taken her away.

You've kidnapped her?

Don't say it! Someone
might be listening.

I hope someone is. They can hear
I had nothing to do with this.

I did it for us. It's payback for
all the grief she's caused in our
lives.

I don't know you. I don't know who
you are. I've never met you in my
life.

TRACY: I know you're there. I hear
you breathing. Enjoy it while you
can,

cos when I get my hands on you, you
won't be much longer! (BANGS DOOR)

Are you f*cking listening to me?!
No one fucks with the Hongs! ]

Thought you didn't work here.

I fill in. What do you want?

Strangely, I want to rent some DVDs.

Well, we've got plenty
to choose from.

You got Footrot Sluts?
Sorry?

Footrot Sluts.

Footrot Flats? The NZ animated film?

No, Footrot Sluts — NZ porn film.

Not actually animated, except
maybe during the money shot.

Ew.

Or Beyond Reasonable Length, The End
of the Golden Shower, Whale-Boy
Rider.

Whale-Boy Rider?

Apparently the lead
actor's hung like one.

A whale?

Going back to 'ew'.

Have you got them or not?
No.

How do you know if you only fill in?

I just... do.

Try K Road if you're in need
of some executive stress relief.

This is not for w*nk*ng.
This is business.

Whatever.
Serious.

This guy I met makes porn films.
Real low-cost. Straight to DVD.

No marketing expense. On the shelf,
and before you can say 'whack me',

they're walking out the
door. Well, so he says.

Why should I care about this?

Cos I want to check out the
merchandise before I invest.

Are you gonna do
the 'ew' thing again?

Sounds like a bullshit artist to me.

True.

Gave me a script, though.

An a**l on my Table.

That's disgusting.

You think? He said it was drawing
on a great NZ literary reference,

but if I wanted to I could change
the title to The Boner People on
account of the three-way at the end.

I guess it's not that closely
based on the books, eh?

You know a lot about films, right?

Why?

Well, read the script. I'll come
back later. Tell me what you think.

What if I don't care?

You hear Tracy got kidnapped?

No way.

Crazy world, eh?

Ew.

Sorry, are you pissed off with
me cos I called the cops?

I understand your first reaction was
to call the police, but there are
better ways of sorting these things

If I'd had the grand myself,
I'd have called the kidnappers.

$ , is a bargain, really.

Well, then, pay it. Get her back.

Please, speak to no one
else from now on.

Jesus. Mr Hong, your
daughter's been kidnapped.

Hey, Mum.

And Mr Hong. And... Mrs Hong.

And baby Hong.

Oh. Harder! Oh!

Yes!

Did you guys hear the news?
Nup.

Tracy's been kidnapped.

Man, that's awful. We'll just let
you guys sort that out, then, eh?

OK, your brain has shut down at
the one time you need it to work.

She's standing there with my baby.

She's standing there with your baby.

She's standing next to Aurora.

Aurora knows nothing, and if you
want it to stay that way, you do
exactly what I say.

What?
What?

You said I've got to do what you
say and then didn't say anything.

So you were listening.

Where the f*ck else would
I be listening to, Munt?

OK. OK.

You need to remember that even
though the baby is yours, it isn't
yours.

But it is.
No, it's not.

Yeah, it is. Mr Hong's sperm are
bung — they swim all over the place.

You know that, Suzy knows that.
No one else. OK? Remember, the baby
isn't yours.

OK.
Most importantly, don't make
eye contact with the baby.

No eye contact.

Why?
Cos if you do, that's
it — you've bonded.

Bonded.

I think that's a sensible
idea, in view of everything.

Hey. This is Jasmine.
Isn't she gorgeous?

Mm, yep. Awesome.

Van.
Yes, Mum?

[ Mr Hong's got a job for you.

OK, cool.

These people who have taken Tracy,
I'm worried they may not stop there.

What, you think they might k*ll her?

I'm thinking more they might
try to take my other daughter.
Right.

[ Which is why we've been talking.
I want you to come to the house
to protect Jasmine.

What?
Stay at the house
and look after the kid.

Yeah. Um, are you sure
that's such a good idea?

I think it's a great idea, babe.

They've set the price so low for one
daughter. Clearly, they'll come back
for more.

Do you reckon? I...

I'm not f*ckin' Kmart.

It's all right, darling. It's OK.

Anything we can do to get
your daughter back safely.

Filth is too good a word for it.

It's porn. Isn't filth good?

No. Not when it makes no sense.

It makes no sense? Made perfect
sense when I read it — boy meets
girl, they screw,

other people join in, they all
screw like bunnies. The end.

Oh my God, is your head
going to explode?

The first scene — if you
can even call it a scene —

he knocks on the door, she opens it,

and...
They screw?

...they screw.
So?

Why?
Because it's a porn film.

In what universe does a plumber
knock on the door, the woman opens
the door,

he says, 'I've come about your
plumbing,' two seconds later she's
having sex with him on her bench?

I don't know. I'm not a plumber.

In no universe is the answer.

How would you know?

From what I hear, you're not exactly
the world's leading expert on sex.
Frigid was the word Pascalle—

I know what Pascalle says, and
it's not true — I have had sex.

Wow.

The point is, this script is stupid
and degrading. It is a series of
unmotivated sex scenes with no plot.

So it's a porn film, in other words.

You wanted me to read it.
I'm telling you what I think.

Well, write me a better one.

Excuse me?
Write me a porn film
that you would watch.

Why?

You know a lot about films and
stuff. You are a woman. Apparently,
you have had sex.

And I bet you bugger-all people are
writing porn films for women, so—

When it's for women, it's erotica.

Write me the great erotica porn
script and you can direct it. I'll
pay for it,

and I bet you a shitload of horny
housewives will watch it.

And I really get to direct it?

If you think you're
up to it, that is.

(ASIAN ACCENT) ERIC:
You stand back from the door.

What?

ASIAN ACCENT: I bring the food. You
stand back from the door. You try
anything funny, I kung-fu your arse.

I have no idea what
the f*ck you're saying.

NORMAL VOICE: If you want some
f*ckin' food, stand back from the
door.

OK. Sure.

Whatever.

Ugh.

Ah.

Ow!

Ugh.

Eric?!
Ow.

Come back.

Why would you kidnap me?

Why do you think?

Money.

And you're a bitch.

f*ckin' stickin' your nose in where
it's not wanted; getting in between
me and the Wests.

Best friends, they were.

God, you're a loser.

Go on — f*ck off. I'll kiss the
grand goodbye. You might as well
call the cops on me as well —

really make my day. ]

grand? You were
ransoming me for $ , ?

Is that too much?

Please don't hit me again.

(SIGHS)

(TYPES)

GRINDING ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

Ugh.

MUSIC STOPS, DVDS CLATTER

I didn't know where else
to come, so I just came here.

Here.

Thanks.

You heard what happened to Tracy?

No. Why? What happened to her?

[ Someone's kidnapped her.

Oh, that's terrible.

I'm sure she'll be OK.

Thanks. Uh, hey, Pascalle. I found
somewhere new for you to do your
community service.

Oh. OK.

It's an old folks' home.
What?

Pascalle. Not now.

BABY CRIES

Hey. Um, I bought Chinese food.

I suppose you guys
just call it food, eh?

Uh, have you heard
from the kidnappers?

No.

OK. Um, I'll put the food on the
bench, eh? And you guys can just
help yourselves when you're hungry.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Yes?

[ Sorry, I cannot understand you.

No, still cannot understand a word.
Maybe if you spoke proper English...

Mm-hm.

I'll let you know then.

There was a mistake on the note.
The sum they seek is $ , .

What?

He didn't sound too happy.

Well, you just asked him for
$ , — of course he's not gonna
sound happy.

Has he got that kind of quid?

Yeah, he's got an on-call account
with quarter of a million in it.

Well, shall we go in for the lot?

$ , is acceptable. A lot more
acceptable than . That's just
insulting.

Hey, I don't know f*ck all about
this kidnapping caper, all right?

Clearly not.

So you're not what we call
a close family, then?

A few things I'll need.

What? I'm meant to buy all this?

You kidnapped me without my purse.

Where the f*ck am I gonna get
moisturiser this time of night?

No crap stuff.

This'll cost me a fortune.

I'm sure it'll work out cheaper
than years in prison.

I feel f*ckin' guilty.

About what?
Tracy. Who else?

Did you organise the kidnapping?
No.

What have you got
to feel guilty about?

I just feel like I should be
doing something, you know?

Well, maybe you do love Tracy.

Maybe what you think is
guilt is actually love — ]

concern for the woman
that you love. ]

It's possible. Feelings are
tricky little bastards like that.

They can sneak up on you
when you least expect them.

It's cos of the Hongs, isn't it?
What is?

Why no one will lift
a finger to find her.

Why the hell would that be?
You know.

No.

These rumours of him being a triad.
You guys can't be arsed with Chinko
criminals sorting each other out.

Now you're beginning to annoy me.
Why?

You don't know how these things go.

Gavin and his mob do.
They're doing their best.

Between naps.

Cheryl, we're on your side. I'm on
your side. Stop giving it to me in
the bloody neck.

I'd no idea you were so sensitive.

Yeah, well, you've no idea the shit
I put up with because of you.

You still getting crap at work?

Yeah, kinda, sorta. They've
kind of got bored of it now.

Well, that's a good thing.

Oh yeah (!) Huge improvement (!)
Being shunned is heaps better(!)

I'm sorry if your friends don't want
to play with you because of your
stinky girlfriend.

It's also the fact that your friends
don't want to play with me.

I can come and stay at your place,
but I've gotta be gone by dawn,
before anyone sees me.

Well, that's my family, not my
friends. There's a big difference.

Feels the same to me.

Tracy likes you.

And look what happened to her.

Here ya are.

I asked for shoes.

Well, they go on your
feet, don't they?

God.

You know what? None of this
is what I asked for.

Well, what do you want me to do?
Rob Smith-and-bloody-Caughey's?

You're the world's worst kidnapper.

I'm sorry, but buying beauty
supplies wasn't part of my plan.

Oh. Oh, you had a plan. Well,
there's a turn up for the books.

God, you're an ugly woman.
I am not.

On the inside.

I mean, extorting money off your
own father — what's all that about?

I have my reasons.

A cry for attention, was it?

I said I have my reasons, and
they're none of your business.

They were both like that.

(CHUCKLES)

Jesus, Ted, what the
hell are you doing?

Making a sandwich. Seen the bread?

I'll deal with this.

I told you to look after Grandpa.

Were there lives in danger?

Don't get cheeky with me.

I'm kind of busy right now.

Doing what?

Writing. What does it look like?

Is it too much to ask for a little
help? I've got too much on my plate.

Ask Pascalle.
Pascalle's with her
probation officer.

Yet I'm the black sheep here.

Do you have to do the silly voice?

If I don't do the voice,
they'll know I'm not Asian.

Eric, they already know that. They
think I've been kidnapped by Benny
Hill.

I'm damned if I do and
I'm damned if I don't.

Just try and sound as vaguely
threatening as possible, OK?

CELLPHONE RINGS

Yes?

STRANGE ACCENT: You have
considered my offer?

Yes.

And?

I do not deal with kidnappers.

He hung up.

What?
[ He doesn't deal with kidnappers.

Maybe we should ring back
and ask him for grand.

So that's it? 'Bugger off and good
luck, Tracy — you're on your own'?

Well, it's not a bad idea,
under the circumstances.

How?

While they haggle about money,
she's more likely to be alive.

They're not haggling. They said
no. How is that haggling?

Jethro.

God, you look awful.

Yeah, I didn't get
much sleep last night.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

You heard anything?

Well, on police advice, the Hongs
are refusing to pay the ransom.

They're what?

grand — that's a lot of money.
Not many people have that sort of
money lying around, do they, Jethro?

Well, I don't have grand.

Right. I mean, she's your
girlfriend. If you did have that
sort of money lying around,

you'd pony up for her, wouldn't you?

I said I don't have
that kind of cash.

Do you?

No, I don't.

See, the thing is, I could pay it.

With what?

The money from the job.

You got K left?

f*ck, you're doing
better than I'm doing.

No. But there's Wolf's share.

That's untouched.
No. That is Wolf's money.

Well, do you know where he is?
No, I don't. Do you?

Nope.

The money's just sitting there.

Well, I guess if you love this girl
that much, then I guess there's
nothing stopping you.

Do you love Tracy that much?

CELLPHONE BEEPS

I gotta go.

One more thing about women.

When you find one that gets under
your skin — she gets into your
heart, your very soul —

do anything to keep her.

Anything.

Otherwise, don't even bother.

Thanks, mate (!) That
was a bunch of help (!)

Yep, thought you wouldn't get it.

Have you heard anything?

No.

I'm sure she'll be OK, eh.

Yes.

OK.

Hey, baby.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Came to see you.

Isn't she gorgeous?

Yeah, she's cool.

Now, are you sure you're going
to be all right for an hour?

Yeah. We'll be just fine.

If anyone wants me,
I'm getting my legs waxed.

Um, what about, you know,... Tracy?

What difference does it make if
I wait here or at the leg waxer's?
Just call me on my cell.

Yeah, but—
Van, look. Look.
She's opening her eyes.

Aw. Isn't she just the
most beautiful thing?

Don't go freaking out
or anything, but...

I really want one of these.

I don't mean right now, and I don't
mean that we should, like, kidnap
this one or anything, but...

it would be real choice
to have a baby one day, eh?

Don't you...? Don't you
want a baby one day?

Yeah. Sure.

And I'd want one just like this one.

Shit. Um... OK. Um, come here.

You know how I said we
don't have any secrets?

Well, we do.

You know what I reckon we should do?
We should make one of them videos
where I stand behind you in a hood

and you're crying and pleading with
your old man just to hand over the
money before I k*ll you.

Yeah, I reckon that
ought to do the trick.

What?

I won't do that to my father.

Oh, so it's all right to take his
money, just so long as he doesn't
actually worry about you? I see.

Shut up, Eric.

I'll never understand you people.
You might as well be living in
another universe.

He's supposed to care. ]
What?

Fathers are supposed
to care about their daughters.

Yes, well, daughters shouldn't hit
their old man up for grand in
ransom money just to get noticed.

Did he ask to talk to me? Did he ask
how I was to check that I was even
alive?

No, just 'I don't
deal with kidnappers'.

What kind of a father does that?

I dunno.

One who doesn't give a bloody
shit about me, that's who.

Oh, hey.

I'm sure he does.

You know, in his own way.

Come on.

What the f*ck are you doing?

Well, uh,...

old habits die hard.

Well, die wondering.

CRUNCH!

RASPY VOICE: Come back. Come back.

Wow. I would never ever have
figured that Jasmine was yours.

Yeah. It's amazing, eh? I must
have, like, Asian genes in me or
something.

I reckon.
Yeah.

So you're cool with this?

(SCOFFS)

Van, when I lived with the g*ng,
those guys had kids all over the
place

and none of them ever looked at
their kids with as much love as when
you looked at Jasmine just before.

I don't care about your past.

I'm your future now.

Well, I presume 'Come and get it,
come features' was from you.

Here.

It's an outline.
What's that?

Like a script for idiots. Like
it, I'll write the actual one.

Fair enough.

What?

OK, this is not your fault.

What's not my fault?

Well, that you don't fully
understand the needs of a porn film.

This is a porn film for women.

With an actual emotional heart.
That's what you don't understand.

No, I understand all of that.

Shop girl encounters
handsome older man.

She battles with her inner self
before giving in, and they get it
on.

So what's so wrong with it?
Well, it's a porn film.

Yes, for women.

They don't shag until the end.
So?

So they don't shag until the end.

Erotic tension.

But no shagging.

What's your point?

OK, this might be great for a
Mills & Boon novel. I don't know —
I don't read them.

But as far as porn goes, it's
lacking a certain element. Can
you guess what?

OK, sensing that you can. It's
called sex, Loretta. Lots of sex.

Sex at the beginning, sex in the
middle, and getting the end away.

I'm sorry, this is all my fault.
I forgot how young you are. This is
stuff—

Hey, I'm sorry that I'm not the
walking glory hole that is my
sister.

Why don’t you ask her to write your
stupid script? Oh yeah, she’s an
idiot and she can't write!

Piss off and stop wasting my time!
Go and hang out with my dickhead
brother. You're made for each other!

But I want to f*ck you, not him.

[ PASCALLE: f*ck him.

What did you say?

That's my future, right there —
surrounded by hundreds and hundreds
of old people just like him.

I hate old people.

OK, so privacy's clearly
a thing of the past.

Oh, sorry. My cellphone died and I
was looking for a charger. Mine's at
the office.

And you thought you'd look through
my personal stuff while you're here?

It's a lovely story.
It's crap.

No, no, no. It's really convincing.

Especially where the girl and the
guy get together at the end. It's
very...

Heterosexual? You know, Mum, just
because Pascalle calls me a d*ke,
doesn't mean I'm gay.

I didn't mean that. I... I just
meant... I really liked the way the
girl at the end of the short story

decides to go for it, even though
she knows everyone's gonna hate her
for it in the end.

That's what really got
to me about your story.

Thanks.

It's not actually a short story,
though. It's an outline for a film.

Oh.

What?
I think it'll make a lovely film.

No, what?

Well, it's just that the movies that
I like, I like to have a bit more
action up front.

You mean sex?
Well, sex, romance, whatever. Rather
than having to wait till the end.

Grab life by the balls.

(LAUGHS) Exactly.

That is exactly what people
should do sometimes.

Stop thinking and worrying about
all this shit and clean up the mess
afterwards.

Anyway, need to get to work.

OK.

So you were involved in a crime,
but you can't tell me what the crime
was,

but the victim of the crime
is just as guilty as you are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's about the
size of it. And I just need to know
my rights,

in case the so-called victim decides
to take matters to the authorities.

Is this likely?

If I knew the answer to
that, I wouldn't be here.

If I knew what the f*ck you were
talking about, I could help.

That's not very lawyerly, is it?

Swearing at your clients.

Eric, what type of crime was it?

Well, it was, um...

It was sort of...

...in the way of a...

an abduction.

You?

You took Tracy?

Oh, now, I didn't mention any
names. All right, all right!

You kidnap my girl and come here!

You're the only lawyer I know,
Jethro. Besides, she was in on it.

What?
Oh yes.

Well, not at the beginning, but she
very quickly took over. She's one
tough lady, your girlfriend.

Where is she now?

I don't know. She bloody kung-fu'ed
me in the nuts and then took off cos
no bastard paid the ransom money.

This is the last kidnapping I ever
get involved in, I can tell you. ]

What brought this on?

Well, I've just become aware
recently that sometimes it's a good
idea to grab life by the balls.

OK.
So are you in or are you out?

Sure.
You're a braver man than me.

And I'm sorry.

What for?
For not...

CLOTH RUSTLES
...grabbing you by the balls sooner.

That's OK.

Has anyone seen my car keys?

Tracy.

It was just one guy. One weirdo.

Here ya are.

He kept trying to touch me,
you know? It was disgusting.

No, couldn't place his accent.

You stand back from the door.

Maybe... Taiwan.

When I had a chance
to escape, I just ran.

I was terrified.

Please don't hit me again.

Especially when I found out you
weren't gonna pay the money.

I really thought
it was all over then.

Hey.
Hi.

You got a script for me?
No. But I do know how
the first scene goes.

How's that?

She knocks on his door and says, 'If
you want to f*ck me, then f*ck me.'

And he does.

Yeah, that could work.

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

CRASH!

PLATE SHATTERS

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

[ Oh.

Are you sure it's
all right if I stay?

Yeah, absolutely.

Just chuck your stuff
wherever you want.

Just for a few days. I... I don't
really want to be around my
so-called family right now.

Hey. Hey. Everyone was
really worried about you.

Honest.

Not enough to actually
pay the money.

That's not true.

I was on the verge
of paying it myself.

Really?

Cross my heart.

You have grand?

For you, I would have found it.

Swindle it out of someone's
account or something.

That's really sweet.

For you, anything.

Even though I drank, like, half
a bottle of vodka by myself,

with nobody to keep me company
last night, I still couldn't get
to sleep.

I kept dreaming of old people —

thousands and thousands of old
people all crowding in on me and
making sicko moaning noises.

(MOANS)

Then I woke up. The noise was
coming from across the hall —

Van and Aurora were having this
humungous sex marathon all night
long and forced me to listen to it.

So then I went and saw you,
and you weren't even there. ]

I was busy.

Well, you officially missed the
worst night of my life. Oh, until
tonight and tomorrow night,

because nothing in my
life can get any worse.

Get used to it.

(SNORTS)

So,...

I grabbed life by the balls.

Ouch.

OK. Well, that went about
as well as could be expected.