02x17 - Wherein Our Saviour's Birth Is Celebrated

[bunniefuu]

ROCK MUSIC

What happened to your moustache?

You don't want to know.

Kidding. Kidding.
I just shaved it off.

Don't joke.

Cheryl, relax. I'm
out of here tomorrow.

Shouldn't even f*ckin' be in here.

How's the packing going?
Don't change the subject.

Too late.

It's fine. Just getting the kids
out of the house is the problem.

I thought this was the highlight
of the West family calendar.

They just need a little reminding.

Sure, it's funny for everyone else
when I spend Christmas Day with
dysentery. No way. Never again.

I need to look after Bruce,
cos he's working double shifts.

Why do you make us go through this?

It's just wrong.

Listen, I'm only going to say this
once. We're going to Tutaekuri Bay
this Christmas,

and you're gonna f*ckin' enjoy
it whether you want to or not.
Now, go pack.

I so want you to be there.

I will be.

Judge Wilkson tomorrow says,
'Why's this man on remand?
Let him free until his trial.'

Then I'm on that bus north.

You don't want to ride on the bus,
not with Eric driving. Be much safer
in the car with me.

Point is, I will spend Christmas Day
with you whether you like it or not.

HELLO SAILOR'S
'GUTTER BLACK' PLAYS

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

I bet this is the most perfect
present ever, and Bruce doesn't
even believe in Christmas.

Loretta, have you packed yet?

Have fun.
I won't.

Yes, I packed. Not that there's
bugger all left to pack.

This'll be the first
Christmas there without Wolf.

You want to join him,
you fill your boots.

Just don't expect me to sit at
the table with your boyfriend.
If they let him out, that is.

Yo ho ho. Santa's ready to roll.

Did you clean that
bus since last year?

Pretty much.

So day three's gone?

Munter's got day three.

Day three was so lucky for me last
year, with that Swedish backpacker.

Day one's still free.

Day one meaning today or tomorrow?

Today.

Nah, too soon even by
Pascalle's standards.

Tell you what, put
me down for day five.

What days are free?

Mum, you can't bet on when your
daughter's going to give it up.

Sure I can.

Day seven's still there, I'll grab
it. I have faith in my little girl.

Yeah, hey. No cheating by
putting the hard word on.

God, no chance she'll ever listen.

OK. We're leaving as soon
as I get back, all right?

KNOCK AT DOOR

I thought we were meeting
at the courthouse.

There's a problem.
No, don't you dare.

Law Society Christmas do
last night — dodgy oysters.

And a whole lot of people went down
with gastroenteritis, including our
judge.

(CACKLES)

The schedule's in chaos.
I'm getting him a new hearing.

I need him out of prison.
I will get remand, just
maybe not before Christmas.

He shouldn't even be in there.

We'll deal with that
when we get there,

but for now I need to
get him a new hearing.

No, I need him out of prison today.

CELLPHONE RINGS

What?

You heard?

Yeah, I heard.

Never touch the bloody shellfish.

Where are you?

Court. Look, they pulled
the plug on today.

I'm just about to get back
in a van, go back to prison.

I'll meet you at Tutaekuri Bay.

How?
I'll drive my car.

No, no. How will you get out?

That's what we pay
lawyers for, isn't it?

Look, I have to go. I love you.

Love you too.

I will see you on Christmas Day.

Thanks, mate. Have a good Christmas.

[ Sorry, Cheryl.

We need more rum, don't we? Don't
we need more rum? I'll get us some.
You, you're in charge.

Oh God, she is so so
gonna cut loose this year.

Oath.

I thought you'd do a runner.

Yeah, I was in the
car heading south.

What stopped you?

Fear of Mum.

Fair enough.

Go on, throw your stuff on the bus.

No, I'm going in my own car in
case I get called back for work.

What about our traditional
trip up on the bus,

singing carols?

So Indian doctor man's not coming.

Nup, so Van's got day two; Munter's
got day three; Eric, day five;
Aurora, day six;

and Mum's taken day seven.

Put me down for day
four then, I guess.

OK.

AURORA: Ooh, there's something
you don't see every day.

MUNTER: What?

A tractor, in West Auckland.
(LAUGHS)

It is unusual.

Hey, you guys. A tractor.

Cheryl here?

Why is there a tractor
on the front lawn?

Jeanette parked it there.
Jeanette?

She's in your room.

SOBS: I had nowhere else to go.

Right, we're going to the beach.

What about Jeanette?

PASCALLE: We can't
just leave her here.

Sure we can.

Mum.
What?

What about Jeanette?
She's your sister.

What's your point?
MUMBLES: Don't have one.

She drove a tractor all
the way from the Wairarapa.

It took her two days to get
here. We can't ignore her.

And what if the house is infested
with Brethren when we get back?

We'll take our chances.

She's really upset.

If you're worried about that,
you deal with her. We're going, now.

She can't do that. It's wrong.
Especially on Christmas.

This is ancient history
I want no part of.

Over to you, St Pascalle.

Falani, it's Loretta. I don't know
if there's a market for tractors at
the moment,

but for bucks, I know where
there is a top-of-the-line model.

Loretta.
Call me. Yeah?

You drive.
Oh.

Only me.

She doesn't want to talk to me.

OK, Mum's just a little
bit preoccupied right now.

What with both Dad and her new
boyfriend in prison, plus Christmas
and everything.

Yeah, the last thing she needs
is her loony sister turning up.

You're not loony just because
you joined some weird cult.

What I meant was that we're going
away for Christmas, and Mum said
she'd love it if you joined us.

Right. Who is coming on the
Partridge Family bus with me, then?

Right.

Are you OK?

We don't have to go to Tutaekuri
Bay if you don't want to.

Just drive.

I haven't got any clothes.

We'll just steal some of Mum's.

It'll all be cool. You'll see.

Come on.

We sat down to break bread,
and everyone's looking at me,
especially the men.

Yeah. I get that a lot, too.

They didn't think that I was
contrite even after being shut up.

How'd they do that?
What?

Shut you up?

By shutting me in a room.

Oh. Wow.
Why?

Cos I wasn't contrite. I'd realised
that my whole life was a lie.

You know, I think—
I don't know how I got through that.
And the prayers, always the prayers,

and all I could think was,
'I've made a huge mistake.

'I've wasted the last years of my
life.' So I hot-wired the tractor
and took off.

Wow, you are my mum's sister.

You know she hates me.

But you have no idea what it's
like being the ugly sister.

No, I don't.

You could talk to Loretta
about that, though.

Haven't had a drink in years.

Guess you're making up
for the lost time, then.

Mm.

Pitch your tent wherever you like.
Pretty informal around here.

It's so beautiful.

It is, isn't it?

It's so quiet.

HORNS HONK, ROCK MUSIC STARTS

No!

No, no, no, no. No, no.

Hello, Graham.

What are you doing here?
It's Christmas.

No.

Not after last year
and the forest fire.

Nobody ever proved it was our
fireworks that started that fire.

You were sh**ting skyrockets
at the bloody helicopter.

Munter hit the monsoon bucket.
[ We banned you people.

No, you suggested that we don't come
on DOC land again. That's different.

Come on, Graham, out of the way
before we have to drive over you.

We're fully booked.

We've got a booking. Page — Jimmy
Page and family. Bought and paid
for, I think you'll find.

HORNS HONK

Come on, Graham.

LOUD ROCK SOLO

MUSIC ENDS

What's wrong?

Someone's in our spot.

That's as good a spot over there.
That's not the point.

This is our spot.

Draska.

Hi!

Isn't this place just beautiful?

You're in our spot.
[ What?

You're in our camping spot.

No, the DOC guy said that we can
put our tent wherever we want.

Yeah, but not here.
Is there a problem?

We camped where you're standing
from before my kids were born.

This bay, this spot is where
we celebrate Christmas.

The spot over there is just as good.

That's not the point. The point
is get off our f*cking spot!

What are you gonna do about it?
Get your cop boyfriend to evict us?

DOSLIC FAMILY LAUGHS

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Do you want to start a fight over
a campsite so we all spend Christmas
with Wayne?

Look, you're pissed off he's
not here. I get that. This is not
the way to f*ckin' deal with it.

So, Van, how do the Doslics
know about Tutaekuri Bay?

Yeah, yeah. Good one.

How come we're not in our spot?

Someone else took it.

What happened to her?

Exclusive Brethren can't hold
their piss. I wound the window down
so if she chucks, it's outside.

Thank God.

Hey, where's Mum?

She's chilling out, swimming at
the really cool bay next door.

Meanwhile, I've got her drunk
sister asleep in my car.

Hey, I never told Draska
about Tutaekuri Bay, all right?

Doesn't matter, Van.

Yeah, but....

I never told her. OK?

Ohh... ]

Oh.

The campsite that we got
a Tutaekuri Bay's the most perfect
camp spot in the whole world.

Then next Christmas can you show me
the perfect camp spot all for myself
with you?

Yeah, yep, yep.

What?
What what?

What, you said 'Ohh,

'ohh,

'ohh,

'ohh,' like you were
going to say something.

Yeah, I was just remembering...

We should get one
of those shower tents.

That'd be a good thing.

Yeah, bro.

♪ 'Hush,' she said.

♪ 'Don't wanna know about

♪ 'what goes on in your head.'

It's amazing.

I reckon.

It's the tranquillity
that gets me. Every year.

LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

You know, I reckon this spot
might actually be better.

All those years, and we never knew.

Just gonna drive back to town
and get some hay-fever medicine.

Good luck.

ALL CHUCKLE

Right, I'm going for a walk.

Let the torment begin.

Come on.

Van and Munter stole your battery so
you can't use the hotel you booked.

How'd you know about that?

Because you're totally transparent.
You'll get it back the day we all
leave.

f*ck.

What do you want, Loretta?

I've done something really bad.

And that's unusual how?

My pet ferret's escaped.

Is that so?

She might eat the dotterels.
Right.

And she's pregnant, so soon there'll
little ferrets running round eating
them.

Is that the best you've got?

Excuse me?

Grow up, why don't ya?

Just chilling out, bo?

Just taking some time on my own.

My own.

Wanna joint?

Yeah, OK.

Not the same, is it?

It's exactly the same. That's
why I've gotta get out of here.

'Cept some pricks
took my car battery.

Ooh.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Smoke?

Sure.

Cool.

Bags me.
What do you mean, 'Bags me'?

I saw her first.

Can't bags a human being.

Anyway, I saw her first.

Good, you're back.

Was the really cool
bay still really cool?

Dunno. Didn't get there.

We need to talk about Jeanette.

What about her?
She's passed out in my car.

What the f*ck did you bring her for?

You said I should look
after her, so I am.

Not by bringing her here!

d*ck.

Uh, why didn't you go to the beach?

There was a gate.

A what?

It's a gate.

We can see that, Van.

Where am I gonna go to
work on my all-over tan?

We found that bay, so that
bay's ours. f*cking... gate.

OK, that is freaky.

HORN TOOTS

AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, there.

Is this your gate?

I guess you could say
that. Have a nice day.

Americans.

CRASH!

I know how this ends.

Night.

Night.

Why does everyone seem afraid?

Mum's cutting loose.

It happens every year. It's her
leaving behind the outside world
by getting pissed.

Yeah, but why's everyone afraid?

You'll see.

♪ Well, all I want

♪ is a driving wheel.

♪ Yes, all I want... ♪

Thing is, you're a man now, Jethro—
sorry, Van, and it's your job to be
in charge.

Mum.

Mum!
(LAUGHS)

Hey. You shut up!

No, you shut up!

No, you shut up!

No, you shut up!

You're a good girl, Pascalle.
You're a good good good...

No, no. Listen to me, Ted.
Wayne is a really really good man.

OK, I'm...

I'm gonna go to
the toilet, and then...

I'm gonna go to bed.

Ah!

Jeanette just needs
somewhere to sleep, Mum.

Really?

(SIGHS)

Oh, f*ckin' hell.

Jesus.

Why can't they build proper toilets?

Cos worms are
environmentally friendly.

Do you think they've
digested your iPod yet?

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Hi, Van.

How's the smell?

Always best before the sun's up.

I know this is futile, but there
were a few complaints about the
noise last night.

It was them, too.
Bloody Dally music.

Yeah, and I'll talk
to the Doslics next.

They were louder. ]

We had to turn our stereo up
really loud just to hear it.

You people have been coming here
all these years and you still don't
get it, what this place is about.

People come here for the peace
and quiet, not the shouting swearing
and AC/DC turned up to .

[ You people, you're...

We're what?
Barbarians. ]

It's what Graham was gonna say.

You just don't get it, that's all.

Yeah, well, at least we're
not selling out to the Yanks.

What?
DOC, selling the really
cool bay next door.

Taumuri Bay?
Yeah, if that's what you call it.

It's not DOC land.
It's never been DOC land.

Oh, so that makes it all right?

Selling this country off
to the highest bidder.

Tab's a good bloke, actually.

LAUGHS: Tab? What
kind of name is Tab?

He's a good man. He's doing
a lot of replanting of natives.

So he bought you off with bush.

Please keep the noise down,
or I'll put a f*ckin' axe through
your stereo.

You can't say that, Graham.

Park police are in danger of
growing some balls this year.

DISTANT ARGUING

Here. Mum looks really huss in this.
You'll suit it heaps better.

Thanks, Pascalle.

Sorry about your car.

Oh, it wasn't that bad.
I cleaned it up with Van's towel.

Help yourself (!)
Mum, she's only got
the clothes she arrived in,

[ and now they're
all covered in chuck.

Isn't this how it works between us?
You took something of mine. I take
something of yours.

Take what you want. You're
not sleeping in this tent.

I have been through hell, and I
found it in my heart to forgive you.
Can't you even talk to me?

I mean it. You're not
sleeping in the tent.

She always was the one who
could hold a grudge the longest.

She's not here.

Who?

The one you seek.

The mermaid.

Oh, her. Nah, nah. I was
just going for a walk.

Pff.

What are you doing?

It's a martial art I invented.

Helps clear my mind.

It's working.

She was here.

She was jogging.

It was awesome.

She came over and talked to me.

I taught her my martial art.

So where is she now?

She disappeared into the bush like
a kehua — that's Maori for ghost.

Yeah, I know what it is.

That's right, you're
the educated West.

Her name's Madison.

You can stop looking
at her any time you like.

Eh?
Draska.

Oh, nah. I'm looking at the Doslic
brothers. Do you reckon Pascalle
would root them?

Cos if she doesn't root someone
today then I lose the bet.

What a tragedy (!)

Roll on tomorrow, when
the money's all mine.

Mm-mm-mm. In your dreams.

For real, I met this Swedish guy
down the other end. She digs Swedish
guys.

Not this year.

What day have you taken,
for the record?

I've taken no day. Man meat's
off the menu this year.

[ You'll see.

OK, Jeanette is refusing to come out
of her tent, and she's like misery
if it looked like a person.

Personified. Misery personified.

Whatever happened between Mum and
her to make Mum not forgive her
is... I dunno.

Unforgivable? (LAUGHS)

You know what we should do?

Leave it alone and
let them sort it out?

We should get them talking —
it could be her Christmas present.

What if she doesn't want
her sister as a present?

So? Mum's always giving me crap
I don't want for Christmas.

Hey, Pascalle.

Hi, Draska.

Do you guys want to play volleyball
to see who rules Tutaekuri Bay?

Nah. We're good.

What are you, a chicken?

Better than being a dog.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah. We'll play.

Ooh, aren't you so big
and tough and scary?

If you say so.

Cool, come on.

Come on. Well, whose beach
is this? Theirs or ours?

BOTH: Ours.

It's our ball, so we serve first.

OK, cool. That's -nil to us.

Oh, man. It's like that ball
was zeroed in on your nuts.

Shut up.

Not so much quality time for
you two tonight, then, eh?

It wasn't all bad.

Ow.
[ Ooh, sorry. Over the net. Yeah.

ELECTRONIC WHINE

Ooh, sorry.

What are you looking for?

Sorry?

You looking for treasure?

Sort of. My wife's wedding ring.

Did she lose it?

No, I did. The Christmas
after she died.

I came up here to be alone —
I was a bit shickered — had a bit
of a blub thinking of her.

Then I got angry, with the world,
with her for leaving me.

I had her ring and I threw it away.

Woke up next morning, realised
what I'd done. I couldn't find it.
Next year I bought this little baby.

I've been looking for
that ring ever since.

How many years is that?
This is five.

Oh my God, that is so romantic.

Stupid, more like.

Still, if it's the
price I have to pay...

Would you, um, like to take
a break for a few minutes?

Have a cup of tea?

G and T?

Bit early in the day, isn't it?

We're on holiday. I'm Bev.

Vivian.

Theodore,

but you can call me Ted.

How ya doing in here? (LAUGHS)

I heard you were a bit down,
so I brought you some of Eric's
patented pick-me-up.

Is there alcohol in it?

Just a tiny bit.

Oh, I'm not sure, after yesterday.

Come on, now. You've got
to get back on that horse.

And you'd know all
about horses, wouldn't ya?
Why?

Well, being an Exclusive Brethren
with the buggies and the beards.

I think you've got us
confused with the Amish.

Have I? Yeah.

There's so much you could teach me
about your old world, but if you
didn't want to talk about it,

then I could help you to
adjust to your new world.

What are you doing in here?

I'm comforting Jeanette.

Nice try. Bugger off. ]

But leave the drinks.

Well, I'll leave you ladies to chat.

Thanks, Eric.

OK, be very careful of Eric.
He's a sexual predator.

Not that you'd probably know what
that means. God, you've got so much
to learn now you've escaped.

What's up between you and Mum?
We all know you haven't spoken in
years,

and we all want to do what
we can to make things right.

She stole my one true love.

Uncle Kase?
Nup, Wolf.

Shit a brick.

Mrs D.

Beautiful day.

Every day's beautiful here.

Hmm, very true.

I think we'll be coming
here a lot more from now on.

(SHOUTS)

Oh!

We'll eat like gods tonight.

(LAUGHS) You genius.

[ BOTH TALK INDISTINCTLY

Jeanette told me.

Told you what?

How you stole Dad from her.

(SIGHS) Yeah, they went out
before Wolf and I hooked up,

then he realised what a psycho
bitch she is, and that was that.

She said that's why she
ended up in the church.

She always was
a bit religious-nutty.

Are you gonna apologise to her?

If she wants an apology,
Wolf can apologise to her.

Mum, she's your sister.

So people keep telling me.

You're gonna have to talk to her
eventually. I talk to Loretta.

I don't have to do anything to her,

not after what she did.

What did she do?

Forget about it. That's
what I'd do if I were you.

Going skinny-dipping. Don't wait up.

Should we be worried about that?

I don't even want to think
about it. They're burning.

Whatever.

Sausages again.

Nothing wrong with sausages.
Good traditional Kiwi summer food.

Not every bloody night.

Is there something else
you feel like, Cheryl?

We always used to have fish.

Which Dad always caught.

Well, Wolf's rods are
in the bus, if you...

It's just that we have a whole damn
ocean there and we're eating f*ckin'
sausages.

The Doslic's have got fish.
What is the point of being here at
a beach if we can't have fish?

Sorry?

Doesn't matter. Whatever.

Would you like a beer, Cheryl?

God, yes.

You just missed her.

Who?

You know who.

Where is she?

Madison's gone back to the house.

What house?

Her house.

Are you stoned?

Yeah. Why?

There's no house in there.

Yes, there is.

Madison's house. I've seen it.
When?

When she took me there.

She's amazing, eh?

You know, she's a modelanda marine
biologist. How rare is that?

Marine biologist?

Who studies dolphins.

In your dreams, pal.

Think, Jethro. In my dreams,
would she be a marine biologist?

Hell, no.

She'd be a nympho rich chick
with a thing for brown d*ck.

True.

Lucky she's that too, eh?

Hi.

Hi.

Madison, right?

Right.

[ You lost, mate?
Yeah, I was just out
walking in the bush.

Ah, you haven't got a toilet
I could use, have you?

Of course.

(LAUGHS)

You know to boil that
before drinking, right?

I think we've been coming here
long enough to know that, yeah.

That is undeniably true, despite the
best efforts of several government
departments.

How come every time I see you get
water you bring a big and a small
container?

The small container is water
that I tell Jethro's been boiled.

Why?

It's an experiment.
And?

Every couple of years or so,
he gets the shits. Last year was
pretty spectacular.

It's good to know it's
not just me you torment.

Is there something
different about you?
Sorry?

This year. There's something
different about you.

No, must be you.

Were you flirting with the ranger?
No.

Looked like it to me.

He told me about the new filtration
system they've got. You don't have
to boil the water any more.

You were in there so long
I was starting to get worried.

Mm, bit of a tummy thing.

Happens sometimes when I come here.

I'm afraid you have to go. Madison
and I have a dinner party to attend.

Oh, yeah?

Pretty flash sort of dinner
party, eh, for round here?

It's in Auckland.

Oh yeah?

Long way to drive
for a dinner party.

We're taking the chopper.

Oh.

Follow the driveway to the track
back down the campground.

Down there?
Yeah.

Cool.

See ya, Madison.

Have a nice night.

HEAVY ROCK MUSIC

HELICOPTER WHIRRS

What I'm saying is the traditional
West family Christmas Day bonfire at
the really cool bay is history

if we don't do something about it.

Then do something about it.

(IMITATES FANFARE)

Ladies and gentlemen, the West
family and known associates' annual
Christmas lighting extravaganza

is ready to ro-ock.

PUNK MUSIC PLAYS

Eh?

POWER CUTS OUT

Shit.

Whoo-hoo (!)

LOUD CONVERSATION

Least Ranger Graham won't accuse
us of being the loud ones tonight.

AURORA: What are they eating?

Smells choice, eh? ]

It's brudet.

It's this awesome Croatian
fish dish that Mrs D makes.

Go and help yourself. I'm sure you
could have anything you want over
there.

Hey, should we be worried
that Grandpa's not here?

ALL CHUCKLE

What?
Grandpa's moved out.

When?
MUNTER: When you were in the shower.

Why?
Grandpa scored a threesome.

He's sharing a tent
with these old ladies.

Oh my God, he's gonna
have a heart attack.

Tell us, Mum. Tell us what happened.

Jeanette is throwing herself
at Eric because of you.

Ew!

Eric's lucky day. ]

Tell me.

Go to bed. You're pissed.
OK.

Night-night.

CLATTER
Whoopsie!

And let the day
of the Munter arrive.

What are you crapping on about?

Pascalle, no man today.
That means you're out, Van.

I got day three.
I have a foolproof plan.

She's not gonna sleep
with you, Munter.

Not me, egg. Ranger Graham.

But he wouldn't go for her.

Yes, she's hot, and he spends all
year hanging out with dotterels for
company.

[ As her mother, I really
don't need to hear this.

I'm going up to the top of Cellphone
Hill tomorrow. Do you guys want to
join me?

Night.

Yeah.
Night, Cheryl.

How awful. What an awful life.

You're better off away from
that Brethren lot, trust me.

Are you a sexual predator?
Eh?

Pascalle says you're
a sexual predator.

(LAUGHS) Pascalle? That girl?

What would she know? (LAUGHS)

No.

Oh, I love this song.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'BLUE LADY' PLAYS

♪ Got myself a blue lady

♪ to help me through the night.

♪ Me and my blue lady,

♪ We'll make this chance all right.

♪ We'll go out dancing

♪ every club I know in town.

It's just that apart from
a few guys when I was young,

and Wolf,

Kase is the only guy
I've ever been with.

Well, if it'll help you to adjust
to life outside the church...

Yeah, think it would.

Come on. Come on, come on.

VOICEMAIL: You have
one new message.

Cheryl, it's Kasey.

And Rochelle.
Stevey sends his love.

It's Christmas Eve.
Is it?

Look at the clock — past midnight.

Shit. My mum's gonna
k*ll me. She's babysitting.

We wanted to call to
wish you merry Christmas.

And to say we love you.

BOTH: We love you.

We hope you're having fun.

And we miss you. OK.

You have no more messages.

Hello, Loretta.

So, how are the stupid
dotterels this year?

I wouldn't call the dotterel stupid.

An acquired taste,
sure, but not stupid.

I wouldn't know. I've never
eaten one. Maybe Christmas Day.
They must taste better than turkey.

Why do you think they're endangered?

Anyway, I came here to
warn you about something.

Like your tsunami warning three
years ago, your all-time bad-taste
low?

One German family up a tree does not
make it my all-time bad-taste low.

What's the warning, Loretta?

You know that Maori guy with us?

The Munter.

Yep. Well, at some stage today he's
gonna suggest that you might like to
root my sister.

Blonde, long legs,
big tits, no brain.

Pascalle.

Yeah. Well, don't.

Root her.
No.

Why not? Does she have a disease?

Probably. But she's in
a relationship, sort of.

So why would she wanna root me?

Well, she wouldn't normally,
but I'm just ruling out the remote
possibility.

Not that you'd wanna
root her anyway.

Oh, I dunno.

I get lonely with only
the dotterels for company.

Would it be a problem
for you if I did?

For me?!

No. I just have a lot of money
riding on her not rooting anyone
while we're here.

You bet on whether your
sister will have sex or not?

It helps pass the time.

You are one special family (!)

Just... say no.

Or one by one, your
dotterels will go missing.

Where's your father this year?

He's not here.
It's a long story. Why?

Ah. That explains a lot.

Are you saying I'm looking for
some kind of father figure in you?

No.

I was just saying, if he was here,
he would have kicked that other
family off your spot.

Yeah, he would have.

BREATHES: Shit.

ENGINE STARTS ]

Hello, Van.
Draska.

I haven't talked to you yet.

Apart from your brothers smacking me
in the nuts, I've been avoiding you.

I love being here, being next door
and knowing you're in the next tent.

OK. You do remember that
we broke up ages ago, right?

Maybe.

Yes-be.

Hello.
Hey.

Hello.

Mm.

(LAUGHS SUDDENLY) There's this guy
up at the toilets, just chucking his
ring out, man.

Yeah. Just really going for it.
Yeah, it was my father.

BRIGHTLY: Really?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Choice.

See you on the beach?
COLDLY: You bet.

She came out of nowhere—
It's OK.

I'm here to protect you.

She's not here.

Yeah, I know. They're in Auckland.

Nah, they came back. She's gone
diving. Says she's gonna bring me
some crays.

I didn't hear a helicopter.

Came in a Ferrari Tab's
thinking of buying Madison.

Oh yeah?

Nice to have a boyfriend
like Tab, eh?

Her brother, not her boyfriend.
Don't get your hopes up.

That's right. 'She's got
a thing for brown d*ck,' eh.

That was crass of me, bro. We've
got more of a spiritual connection.

(LAUGHS) Oh, Jesus.

OK. If you're on such good terms
with Madison and Tab, tell them this
country belongs to NZers,

and we've got every right to
have our bonfire at that beach.

Tell them to stick their f*ckin'
gate where the sun doesn't shine.

[ I'll pass it on.

When? The next time the Magical
Marijuana Fairy appears? Huh? Ooh.

This is not a good idea.

You were really good
at soccer in school, man.

But you were crap.

I can kick really good.

They're Dallies.
Soccer's in their blood.

We can't just let them act
like they own the beach.

What is it with you Wests and
owning this place? There's Tutaekuri
Bay for everyone.

Shut up. Come on.

Hey, Van. Munter.

Draska.

So, you guys want a game?

Are you sure you're going to be
OK with what happened yesterday?

Oh, he's OK.

In fact, last night,
he was way more than OK.

OK, but it's our ball —
we get to kick off.

Whatever.

See? This is where it started
going wrong yesterday.

It can only end badly.

Shut up. Play.

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

That must've hurt, eh, Munter?

Well, it didn't go so bad.

You reckon?

I know we got thrashed,
but... it had its moments.

Ow!

And Munter got a goal,
once he could walk again.

Why does my towel smell like puke?

Any luck?

Last night I shared a bed with
two women. What do you think?

I meant with the treasure hunt.

I did find something that might
once have been a nipple ring.

Ugh. Don't look at me.

Hey, Grandpa.

Grandma was a few years
younger than you, right?

. Why?

And she was pretty young when
you guys started going out, right?

. Why?

So it's almost traditional for West
women to have a thing for older
guys, right?

Nope.
Yeah.

No, Rita wasn't a West
woman until I made her one.

Wests always end up with someone
younger than them — me with Rita,
your dad with Slutty Pants.

OK. So maybe West men prefer
younger women, but West women—

My sister was when she
eloped with a -year-old boy.

OK. OK. So maybe Wests end up
with people younger than them,

but along the way, it's OK to go a
bit older from time to time, right?

Look, I don't know what you're
expecting me to condone, but do what
you want.

Just don't mess up my flow.

Your 'flow'?
Who are you — Scribe (?)

WHISPERS: Go. Go.

Hello.
Hello.

Try not to damage him.

BOTH GIGGLE

ALL LAUGH

Look at her.

If you insist.

It's so sad.

Yeah. Why?

Normally on Christmas Eve, she's
running around panicking about
Christmas lunch and yelling at us.

CROAKS: Yeah, it's a real tragedy
she's not doing that, eh (?)

It's like she's lost
the will to go on.

Either that or she's got Aurora
to do everything for her and she's
having a kip.

Fat lot of good you are, too.
Eh?

How could you sleep with Jeanette?

I was following your lead.

By sleeping with her?

By making her feel welcome.

Oh.

Not going to make
that mistake again.

I mean, there wasn't anything wrong
with the sex. It was like a volcano—

No, Eric, I don't need details.

But then I made one tiny mistake.

BOTH GRUNT

Oh God.

Oh God, Cheryl!

What did you call me?
Ah, cheri. You know, French.

Oh, get out!

I'm sorry. My mind just
wandered for a minute.

Get out.
But it's my bus.

GET OUT!

No offence against your family,
but somewhere in the Wairarapa,

there's a bunch of Brethren having
a right old knees-up now she's gone.

You called her Cheryl.

It just slipped out.

Living in her sister's shadow,
no wonder she's so f*cked up.
You probably made it worse.

GROANS: Oh, Jesus.

I sense a disturbance in the Force.

What do you f*ckin' want?

Nothing. Just peace and harmony.

Look, I spoke to Tab, and he hears
your plea about Taumuri Bay for
the people.

And he's into that, cos he saw
Whale Rider and all, but he's also
American and all paranoid,

and he didn't make his money
by letting people on his land.

He said there is a fire ban at
the moment, and I said that's never
stopped us before.

He said he'd think about it—
You're so full of shit.

You didn't talk to him. Last I saw
you, you were kicked in the nuts.

And to ease the pain,

I walked around the
headland to Taumuri Bay.

OK? Madison was there
sunbathing — topless.

(LAUGHS) ]
It was choice.

Munter, I'm getting bitten by every
insect known to man. I've got sand
in all sorts of places.

I'm sunburnt. I dropped my watch in
the toilet, so I've got no idea what
the time is.

Thanks to you and my dickhead
brother, I've got no way of getting
out of here.

And now my air bed's now sprung
a leak. The last thing I need is you
f*cking with my head—

We'll sort this later.
Yo! Officer Graham! Word!

Here you are. I've been
looking for you everywhere.

Look, I know you're all embarrassed
about the Eric thing. Don't be.

Away from society for so long,
you have no idea about standards.

They're way above Eric. Not that
you should keep throwing yourself
at guys just cos you can,

cos I know from experience
that's an easy mistake to make.

That is much more Cheryl than me —
throwing herself at boys.

Well, some things never change.

They liked it when Cheryl
threw herself at them.

OK, I think we've established
the whole ugly-sister thing.

Not that I'm saying you're ugly.

You're beautiful and I'm here for
you, but maybe you need to get out
more.

Do you want to go for a swim?

I'd like to sit here for a while.

Will you sit with me?

OK.

[ Is this about the ferret?

Did Munter talk to you?

His exact words were, 'She's lonely
and she's hot and she digs guys in
uniform,

'and it must get real lonely
living up here on your own.'

He wasn't very subtle.

And?

Did you come all the way
up here to ask me that?

I'm not very subtle either.

I figured that out the year you
put superglue on my tractor seat.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, that was quite good.

So, we've established that the Wests
and hangers on aren't subtle.

Why are you here?

To tell you that, just for this
year, I've decided to call a truce.

What have I done to deserve this?

Well, I did have lots of
really good stuff lined up,

but in the end, it just seemed
childish, and in case you hadn't
noticed, I'm not a child any more.

Are you flirting with me?

Yes!

Yes, I am, and I can't help it,
and it's really f*cking me off.

Clearly I have this
thing for older guys.

My boyfriend's your age.

Where's he?

Australia, with his mum.

Fair enough.

What would he think about
you flirting with me?

Well, I wouldn't tell him.

What goes on tour stays on tour.
Not that anything is going to go on
this tour.

I mean, you and me may as well
be from different planets.

I'm going to go now, so you can
have a good laugh in private.

Who says nothing is going
to happen between us?

Is it? ]

Well, if you wanna find out,
you'll have to do something for me.

Make up for all those
years of torment.

What something?

Right. See ya.

What? Are you just leaving me here?

I've got work to do. You've
got dotterel nests to guard.

SURF-ROCK MUSIC

Bugger.

You can't come through here.
Sorry?

It's a protected area.
By who?

By me, with the might of the
whole NZ government behind me.

We want to go for a walk.

Not through here.

My husband is suffering tummy
bug from the shit water here.

Not through here.

OK, why not?

Because the dotterels need privacy.
What dotterels?

The ones behind this line.

I can't see any f*cking birds.

They're camouflaged. So walk away.
You've got the whole beach.

No. We always walk here.

Since when?

Since yesterday.

Yeah.
So?

So if you don't f*cking turn around,
I'll burn down your f*cking tent.

She used disgusting-language
words with us.

You were going to
k*ll innocent birds.

FLATLY: You can't imagine how sorry
I am that my daughter swore at you,

but if you're that offended,
why don't you f*ck off home?

Yeah.
Rock on, Cheryl.

ANGRILY: Kurwa.

I'm going to bed.

Night.
[ Goodnight.

Night. ]

You were defending dotterels.

So?
Why?

It's none of your business.
What's this?

Oh, you missed a grouse
dinner. Munter caught them.

Oh yeah?

Can Jeanette sleep with you tonight?
CHUCKLES: No.

I don't mean like that.

I mean in your tent.

And I mean, like, no.

She can't sleep in our tent, cos
Mum's being an unreasonable bitch.

She can't sleep with Van and Aurora,
cos after her last years, she's
not ready for that.

And she can't sleep in the bus —
it brings back memories of Eric.

Oi!
She can sleep in my van.

Just because she rooted Eric,
doesn't mean she'll root you.

I won't be there.

Where will you sleep?

Under the stars.

It's Christmas Day tomorrow.

It's going to be a good one.

f*ck off.

♪ I know your name

♪ and where you live.

♪ I know the pain that
other people give.

♪ I know your star sign,

♪ your vital statistics too.

♪ I'm having trouble
working out your IQ.

♪ There's a tale

♪ that travellers know so well.

♪ When you're east of Eden...

(GASPS, MOANS)

Shhh. You'll wake the kids.

I don't care. I don't care.

Did you catch any mermaids?

Nah. A fish, though.

(CHUCKLES) Wolf would be proud.

Yeah. How was your
night under the stars?

Awesome. Awe-inspiringly awesome.

Yeah? You talk to Tab
about the beach?

When would I have done that?

Last night, when you went
to their house to sleep.

Why would I have done that?

Cos it's a house — heaven.

Bro, I was in heaven right here
in my sleeping bag under the stars.

Except when it got cold and I needed
the warmth of a beautiful human
body.

(LAUGHS)

Shit. You're full of it.

Merry Christmas, brother.

Same to you, Munter.

Aurora.
Aww, Munt, you shouldn't have.

Oh, thanks, bro.

It's not much, cos I haven't got
much money, but I wanted something
that signified something special.

Come on. Open them! Open them!

Wow. Matching beanies.

Yours is cos you wear short skirts
all the time and I'm worried you'll
get cold,

and bro, yours is cos you can't wear
a balaclava to keep your head warm,
cos it symbolises your old life.

Old life.
BOTH LAUGH

It can be done. Trust me.

If you say so.

First you take this,...
Mm.

...and you cut this

into pieces small enough
to go on to the barbie.

Christmas lunch here
isn't really a roast.

Ah, choice. (CHUCKLES)

Morning, my darling.

Hi.

Happy Christmas.

Mum. I said no present.

Ooh, Munter!

Oh, merry Christmas, darling.

Mwah!

Eric. Merry Christmas.

♪ Maybe tomorrow

♪ will fade away in the air.

Merry Christmas, Ted.

♪ Trying to please me,

♪ making it easy.

♪ It won't be there...

♪ It won't be there in your life.

Merry Christmas.
Oh, Cheryl.

Jed.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Merry Christmas.
Yeah, you too.

♪ Making it easy.

♪ It won't be there...

♪ It won't be there
in your life. ♪

Graham, you shouldn't have.

I didn't. A large tattooed man
knocked on my door and handed me
this.

He said he just got out of prison
and was on his way up north.

Said he promised a mate
inside he'd do him a favour.

It's from your husband.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, what was the name of that film
where that chick's head turned up in
a box?

Not that Wayne's head
will be in that box.

Oh, for God's sake.

Somebody's been baking
in the prison kitchen.

THUMP!

BRIGHTLY: There you go.
Help yourselves, everyone.
I'm gonna get changed.

BREATHES: f*ck.

Well, I was gonna wear that
top to lunch, but, you know,
help yourself (!)

f*ck, Jeanette! It's not
my fault you hate the world.

I come for you help and get this.

Well, what goes around comes around.

I'll say it again.
You got what you deserve.

SMACK!

Mum?

Mum, are you OK?

Shit, Mum, what the hell
happened between you two?

SOBS: God.

Why did she have to turn up...

this year, of all f*ckin' years?

(SOBS)

You know that stuff I told you about
Wolf realising she was a psycho
bitch and that was that?

He got that right.

Yeah, well, there's
a little bit more to it.

Not long after Wolf and I
hooked up, I got pregnant.

This was before the twins.

A little girl. Helena.

(CHUCKLES) Shit,
we argued about that name.

Jeanette got real dark on me and
reckoned I got pregnant on purpose
to keep my man. It wasn't.

She was due around Christmas, and
a few weeks before that, she stopped
moving.

She died, inside me.

I hope you never ever have
to feel what that feels like.

Why didn't you tell us?

I don't... I don't remember much
about the birth. They drugged me up.

But I remember when
they took her away.

And then I... I fell apart.

Really fell apart. People didn't
know what to do with me. I told them
to f*ck off.

And then when I wanted to turn
to someone, I chose Jeanette.
God knows why. I just...

I dunno. I guess I thought, being
my sister, she might understand.

She told me it served me right,
that I deserved to lose my baby cos
I stole Wolf from her.

(CHUCKLES)

Wolf had to haul me off her.

He had to pull my hands from round
her throat, and then... then I
really fell apart,

until Wolf said, 'Enough,' and
packed me in the car and started
driving,

and we kept on driving
until we ended up here.

It's the first time we ever came
here. We didn't even have a tent.
We just slept in the car.

(CHUCKLES) And Wolf brought Helena's
ashes with him, and we scattered her
on the beach,

right in front of our spot.

Probably against like
f*ckin' DOC regulations.

And about nine months later,
the twins came along. We came back
here the following year as a family.

Why did no one tell you?

The thing about dead kids, my love,
especially the ones that never ever
really lived,

is that after a couple of years,
they only really exist for the
parents.

We would sit up at night after
you lot had gone to bed and look
at the beach

and joke about what Helena
would be doing that year.

It was our way of coping. We didn't
seem any point in bringing you guys
down.

(CRIES)

I'm so sorry.

What for?

For bringing you down.

It's OK.

Beer, Jeanette?

No, thank you.

SMACK!

How could you do that to her?

I'm going up Cellphone
Hill to phone Bruce.

You all right?

WHIMPERS: No.

Well, I bet they don't do
that at a Brethren Christmas.

(VAN LAUGHS)

Hi, Van. Merry Christmas.

Ohh, not now, Draska.

I just came to wish
you a merry Christmas.

And Van told you to piss off.

Uh, he said, 'Not now,' and
that's a way different thing.
Not really. ]

What is your problem? Don't you get
that he's mine now? Do you not see
this?

Oh, wow! That's amazing! Did you get
that from the Lucky Dollar store (?)

OK, look.

It's Christmas Day. You don't
come over here on Christmas Day
and insult Aurora's ring.

My... ri— The ring I bought Aurora.

In other words, piss off.

Make me, bitch.
Oh, any time.

Hey. Hey! Hey! Jesus.

The womenfolk are
very aggressive today.

The point is there is beach enough
for everyone, all right? So Aurora,
chill out and put the cleaver down.

And you, just go back to your family
and wish them a happy Christmas
or a happy Hanukkah —

whatever it is that you Dallies
believe in, from us, OK?

OK, Van.

And thank you so much for
telling me about this place.

I knew it!

She distracted me
by sucking my knob.

Oh, what a ho.

Oh, like you've never
wrapped your lips around it.

You don't belong here.

You should leave now,
while you still can.

You don't scare me, g*ng slag.

In fact, we'll come back here
every year just to piss you off.

Whoa, whoa.
You can't come back here every year.

How are you gonna stop us, Van?

This is your stupidest idea ever.

We are the world
champions at Firing Squad.

We're the only ones
dumb enough to play it.

Shut up.

OK, the name of the game is Firing
Squad. The rules of the game are
this.

You fellas go down there
and we go down over here.

This here, this is the w*apon.

The team who doesn't have the
w*apon, you stand and you face
the enemy.

Like this. Munter,
assume the position.

Like that. See, that
makes you a target, right?

The team with the w*apon launches
the w*apon at the target.

So if it hits you,
you're out. Easy-peasy.

Not that simple, Draska.

Actually, Draska,
it's not that simple.

Yes, if it hits you, you are out,

but this isn't about that.

This is about balls and who's
got the biggest. This is about
who flinches.

See, you can't see it coming,
cos your eyes are closed. You can...
(IMITATES TOY) hear it.

Whistling death. See, if it misses
you and you don't flinch, you're
still in and it's your turn.

But if you flinch,...

[ ...you're chickenshit
and you're out.

Losers never come back
to Tutaekuri Bay.

Bring it on.

All right.

So does that mean if we lose, we
never have to come back here again?

Yeah.
But don't you dare cheer for them.

TOY WHISTLES

(LAUGHS)

Good boy.
VAN: Shit. ]

What?

Uh, first-timers —
they usually flinch.

Yeah. Either much respect to that
man or he's too stupid to know pain.

Uh, empty your mind.
What?

Empty your mind. That's how me
and Munt are so good at this game.

We think of nothing.

Hear nothing.

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

TOY WHISTLES

Ooh!
Yes!

Yes! You got him. You
got him, you darling!

f*ck.

Choice.

(DIALS NUMBER)

RINGING TONE
BEEP!

Oh, shit.

Hi, this is Bruce. I'm not
available right now, so please
leave a message.

And Pascalle, if this is you,
merry Christmas. I miss you.

BEEP!
Hi! It is me.

And I miss you heaps too.

Anyway, I hope you're having an
OK Christmas and that none of your
patients are dying or anything.

I'd better get going, cos I'm
about the only sane person here,

and I'm kind of holding
everything together.

I'll give you a call as soon as I
get the energy to climb this hill.

Oh, and thank you for the necklace.
I really love it. OK. I so so miss
you. Bye.

You have one new message.

This got off to a promising start,
Graham, with Munter getting hit in
the gut,

but since then, frankly,
the throwing has been crap.

TOY WHISTLES

Ha!

TOY WHISTLES

Come on, you p*ssy! God!

Where's Loretta?
Said she had other things to do.

Hit him in the head, Van!

That's right!

Head!

TOY WHISTLES

Oof!
Yes!

Yes! You dancer!

You da man, bro! Yeah!

That's payback for you, bro!

Baby! You are awesome.

No, no, no! Don't touch it!

What?

You pick it up,
you've gotta throw it.

Yeah. I haven't had a throw yet.

Yeah, but you throw like a girl.

Cos... you are a girl.

Don't worry.

(GRUNTS)

Shit.

[ Sorry, baby.

SHOONK!

Yes! Yes!

[ Oh, you beautiful
baby, my darling!

Stop right there!

Assume the position, you Dally scum.

This one's for you, baby.
(GROANS) Cheers. Thanks.

Come on, Aurora!
TOY WHISTLES

(GRUNTS)
(CACKLES)

Yes!

Did that hurt?

Stay where you are, biker bitch!

Bring it on, slag.

f*ck.

(LAUGHS) Stop right there.

Assume the position!

No offence, bro, but if this wasn't
so serious, I'd have a chubbie right
now.

I hear you, bro.

Come on, Aurora! ]
Come on, Draska!

TOY WHISTLES

Yes! You flinched!

No! No! No!

She did not.

Yeah, she did.

You're out. You flinched.

f*ck you. I did not.

You flinched!

I hit you. You're out.

I don't think so, bitch.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Yeah!

Ah!

FAMILIES SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

Come on, darling! Get her!

BOTH GRUNT

You know, someone should really
stop this mindless v*olence before
somebody gets hurt.

Or their togs come off.

BOTH LAUGH

Hey, hey, hey. OK, OK, OK. Jesus.

Let me at her! Let me at her!

We'll take you all on!

Yeah, come on, then!

ALL YELL ANGRILY

(HIT POT)

Enough! Enough!

Yeah, OK. Mum, what happened was—

I don't care. I don't give a shit.

It's Christmas-lunch time, and
it's not gonna bloody cook itself.

So I want you to get
your arses up here now.

OK.

Now!

What were you thinking pulling
that idiotic stunt?

You said to be the man
of the family, so I did.

And when did I say that?

The other night, when
you were cutting loose.

Did I?

If we did lose, I thought you
wouldn't care about going home.

Why?
The way you're acting, I thought
maybe you were sick of coming here.

Never. Christ.

I won't let some petty bloody stupid
thing like who else is here get in
the way of my life.

You mean a petty bloody
stupid thing like Jeanette?

You don't know anything about that.

No, I don't know anything
about that. No one does.

All we see is that it's f*cking with
your head and we can't do nothing
about it, Mum.

(SCOFFS)

Happy Christmas.

(SIGHS)

I heard Pascalle decked
you. You all right?

Yeah, she can be pretty
straightforward in expressing
her opinions.

I'll never forgive you for back
then, but it's not my fault your
life turned to shit.

That's not down to me. That's
all you. I didn't make you go all
religious just cos I got Wolf.

(SCOFFS)

Fat lot of good it did me.

Apart from giving me
some bloody great kids.

Sometimes.

When they're not
smacking their auntie.

You hit me too.

Well, I'm your sister. I'm
allowed to, and you deserved it.

Look, I'm cooking lunch

and I need someone who knows what
they're doing to do the potato
salad. Keen?

Sure.
Good. And cheer the f*ck up.
It's Christmas, for Christ's sake.

(CHUCKLES)

Don't you care if you
come back next year?

Not really.

That's a pity. There are some actual
upsides to you Wests being here.

The and a half months we're not?

Oh, this time of year, every
campground in NZ is chocker.
Except this one. All down to you.

People leave and never come back.

Like refugees fleeing w*r.

How is that an upside?

Well, it's better
for the environment.

Oh yeah. The f*cking dotterels.

The entire ecosystem
of Tutaekuri Bay.

Even given the damage
you guys do in two weeks,

I still think the
planet comes out ahead.

I also enjoy our yearly
battles, truth be known.

I thought I drove you crazy.

Gets a bit boring around here.

You liven things up.

That is why I do it.

Keeps me on my toes.

Well, I'm happy to be of service.

The dotterels are quiet this year.

Yeah. I did wonder about that.

Are they nesting or something?

Yeah, or maybe they've
moved to the next beach.

Like refugees fleeing the Wests.

You made me guard sand.

(LAUGHS)

WHISPERS: You bastard.

Turkey's good.
Mm, yeah. not bad.

Hey, it's my day, therefore I win.
Bullshit.

No. Clearly, Pascalle got so horny
she had to go back to Auckland to
root Dr Bruce.

So that means pay up, baby.

No.
Yes.

No. No proof, no pay-up.

I thought you might be dining
elsewhere this year, Ted.

You can never tell how
things are going to work out.

So, Ted, what did you
do before you retired?

I was self-employed.

What about you ladies?

We were both police officers.

But did you find it?

I found paradise for a while.

But not the box with all
the money from the TAB job?

f*ckin' beach looks all the same.

Where's he going?

Hey.
Hi.

Have some of Wolf's
cake. It's delicious.

Oh well.

There you are, darling.

Come on, then, Granddad.
Crackers!

Yes! Yes!

There's f*ck all in there.

Hey, nice fish, by the way.

Your dad would be proud.

Oh, cheers.

Are we going to really cool
bay tonight for the bonfire?

Uh, why are you asking me?

You're the one going on about it.
Well?

Yeah, of course. Why not?

OK, yes, we're breaking a law, but
this is about something bigger than
that. This is about NZ for NZers.

And visitors to NZ, of course.

So pull!

Pull!

Pull!

CLANK!

ALL CHEER

Good job, guys. Well done.

♪ Cos everyone I love is here.

♪ Say it once.

♪ Disappear.

Hey, I was just about to come
and tell you — Tab's all cool.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Haere mai.
Tena koutou. Gidday.

He's even putting some
beers on. Choice, eh?

Nobody mention the gate.

♪ Even if time is
just a flicker of light

♪ and we all have to die alone.

♪ What does it mean when
you belong to someone?

♪ When you're born with
a name, you carry it on.

♪ It means that I won't give in.

♪ Won't give in.

♪ Won't give in.

♪ Cos everyone I love is here.

♪ All at once.

♪ And I'll show you
how to get real.

♪ Come on now.

♪ Come on now.

♪ Can you feel it?

♪ I can see it in ya.

ALL LAUGH

I know they're cops, but you
reckon they like older jokers?

You're not older than them.

I look older.

♪ The right time.

♪ The right place.

♪ Right now.

Have you come to tell
us there's a fire ban?

Not DOC land. What do I care?

Merry Christmas.

We're not actually going
to do anything, are we?

It'd be such a huge
change in our relationship.

Maybe next year.

♪ It means that I won't give in.

♪ Won't give in.

♪ Won't give in.

♪ Cos everyone I love is here.

♪ Say it once.

♪ Just say it and disappear. ♪

GUITAR PLAYS SOFTLY

Cold?
Yeah, a bit.

(SIGHS) I might head home.

If the tractor's
still there, that is.

If it's not, I know
where it probably is.

I'll miss the kids.

Don't go yet. Stay
till we head back.

Have a holiday from being righteous.

Hmm!

BOTH LAUGH

Missed you at lunch.
I went to phone Bruce.

I was up on Cellphone Hill, and
there was a message on my phone,

and it's this weird guy going
on about he's tried all the numbers
he knows

and no bastard's picking up and he's
stuck in this town and he needs
rescuing, so I rescued him.

He looks way better
without his moustache.

Got a court hearing, got let out,
got my car, got a speeding ticket,
got lost, got rescued, got here.

Told you I would.

Merry Christmas.

Merry f*cking Christmas.

Oi! Singing guys!

That's really good and everything,
but why don't you just play
something we all know?

BOTH PLAY 'GUTTER BLACK'
BY HELLO SAILOR

Yeah.

♪ Lying in the gutter.

Yahoo!

ALL ♪ I cut the cord
from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

(SIGHS)

PEOPLE SING OUTSIDE ]

(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)

[ ♪ You in my brain.

Screw it. I can't
wait till next year.

What a slut!

ALL CONTINUE SINGING