14x01 - Fight at the Not Okay Chore-ral

[bunniefuu]

LINDA: So, everyone enjoying the dinner

your father and I nicely made you?

Don't be afraid to
shout out compliments.

TINA: Oh, sorry. It's really good.

- Thank you.
- It's chicken, right?

- Yes, Tina.
- I knew it.

Sorry, mom, I'm just still
sort of reeling from school,

where my grape-flavored
finger pop-pet

was cruelly taken from me!

Yeah, you've mentioned
the finger candy thing.

Finger pop-pet!

Whoops. Hey.

- No candy in class.
- But I wasn't eating it.

Then why does it look half-eaten?

Because I've been savoring it,

slowly and responsibly.

Well, I'm gonna savor doing this.

LOUISE: No, no, no, no,
no, no! Not the trash, no...

And that's why grown-ups are monsters.

Okay. Uh, sorry about that, Louise,

but, uh, kids, we wanted to talk to you

- about something.
- Right.

Are we all getting
matching jumpsuits finally?

- No.
- (GENE GROANS)

So, uh, starting tomorrow,

your father and I
thought it would be good

and also re-really fun to do chores.

- Chores?
- Didn't we try those before

and we were all like, "nah"?

Uh, we're-we're gonna try it again.

Yep, you're gonna clean the bathroom,

vacuum the floors, dust... stuff.

Um, are we getting a raise
in our very meager allowance

because of these so-called chores?

Yeah! I mean, yeah.

No. I think the reward

is that you are
contributing to this family.

And learning that it's
important to pitch in

in society and stuff like that.

You know, we do work in the restaurant.

Every day. For free.

Not that any of us have called
child welfare or anything.

Except for that one time.

I didn't love that you did that.

But the guy we talked to was nice.

Oh, yeah. Todd. What's he up to?

Where is all this chore
stuff coming from, anyway?

- NPR?
- Well, if you must know,

I was talking to Grandma
Gloria the other day

and she reminded me that
they made me and Gayle

do chores every weekend
when we were growing up.

And she thought we should
be doing it with you kids.

She actually thought we already were,

and I said we tried, but
it didn't really stick

and then she made that "hmph" sound.

Ugh, Grandma Gloria.

No huggies from Genie for a year.

All right. Well, what if we
refuse to do these chores?

- Yeah.
- Respectfully?

Okay, well, then, I
would respectfully say

you don't have a choice.

- Right, Bob?
- Uh, uh, right.

Well, then, we're going to respectfully

stop eating our vegetables.

Gene, Tina? Want to stop
eating your broccoli?

(WHISPERING): But I like broccoli.

- Tina!
- Right, sorry.

(NORMAL VOLUME): Well,
then, you are respectfully

not getting any dessert.

- Damn it!
- Okay, then we are respectfully

- not doing our homework.
- Ooh.

You're gonna play this game with Mama?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, good.

(WHISPERING): But Lin, "no TV"

- means we don't get to watch TV.
- Show no weakness.

- They're gonna cr*ck.
- What if they don't cr*ck?

I'm worried they're not cracking.

(LOUISE, NORMAL VOLUME): Mm-mmm. Nope.

- Not brushing them.
- (GROANS)

- BOB: Mm.
- And if we get painful cavities,

- we'll be the ones laughing.
- Yeah. Wait.

LINDA: Okay, early bedtime,

in your room, lights out, now.

- Nuh-uh. Not going to bed.
- Until we get tired.

- Yeah.
- Guys.

- I mean, never.
- Right.

- Okay, then, no...
- What?

- No...
- You got nothing.

No, no Christmas ever again!

Uh, Linda, want to have a quick chat?

I feel like it's not going well.

What-what if I go buy a bag of candy

and we give them candy

- if they do the chores?
- No, Bob.

They should do chores
'cause we told them to

and 'cause it'll make them
better people in society

and all that crap, not to get candy.

I mean, what if they turn
into little delinquents

who won't listen to authority
and it-it ruins their lives?

Then we'll just pretend
we don't know them?

- Hmm. Maybe.
- Well, the kids have to go to bed.

So, we need a cease-fire, I think.

(SIGHS) Okay, fine. You're right.

Eh, we'll-we'll put a
pin in the chores thing

and figure out a way to
make them do them tomorrow.

Blackmail, maybe?

Have you been writing
stuff down? I haven't.

- (GROANS)
- Kids.

Come in here. Come on.

- Okay.
- Hmm.

I'm sorry about that
"no Christmas" thing.

Come on. Come up in the bed with Mama.

- Come on.
- Are you gonna k*ll us?

No.

Let's, uh, revisit
the chores thing later.

Why don't we all just relax, huh?

(YAWNS) So tired, right?

- No.
- Yes. Should we sing a nice song

or tell a bedtime story? Huh?

A bedtime story? Like
you guys used to do?

- Back when we were children?
- Oh, yeah, Dad,

you used to tell that story
about "Pepperoni the Sleepy Pony".

- Oh, right.
- Aw, Pepperoni.

Roaming the plains, looking
for a nice place to sleep.

- And a little Pepperoni.
- GENE: Aren't we all?

Tell that story, Bob.

Okay. Um, I think I remember it.

- But maybe he's not sleepy.
- And maybe he's really buff?

But also super humble.
About how buff he is.

- But he's still into Pepperoni.
- Uh, okay, so,

Pepperoni the super
buff pony wanders around,

looking for a place to, um, not sleep.

And he ends up in a town.

It was a small mining town

- called W-Western-ville.
- LINDA: Oh, that's good.

BOB: And there were three
siblings that lived there,

the Belch-earps.

The-the Bearps.

And they operated the town's tavern.

The youngest ran the bar

and the gambling side of things...

LOUISE: Oh, and give me giant boots

with huge spurs on the back.

- And the front.
- BOB: Uh, okay, sure.

A-and the middle one
ran the entertainment.

GENE: And I have one
of those player pianos.

But I can carry it around.

BOB: You carry around a player piano?

- Yeah, because it's cutting-edge.
- All right.

Uh, and the oldest runs
the hotel and stables.

TINA: Well, more of a horse hotel
that also has rooms for people.

Right this way, sir.

- It's classy.
- LINDA: (CLEARS THROAT)

And, uh, maybe there's some
nice sheriffs in this town.

- M-married sheriffs.
- BOB: Uh, okay.

LINDA: Yeah, and they're really
great, but the townspeople

don't listen to the sheriffs
because the townspeople

can be big pains in the butt sometimes.

But I thought this was supposed
to be a relaxing bedtime story?

- Yeah, so one of the sheriffs says...
- Yeah.

Hey, Bearps, maybe
you could try and keep

- your area nice and clean today?
- Hmm, let me think about that.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Oh, and also...

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- But I mean,

maybe you could, you know,
sweep up all the glass?

Um, I think I know the
gambling business, m'Kay?

(GRUNTS) It's read 'em and
weep, not read 'em and sweep.

♪ And I'm not cleaning
up anything, either ♪

♪ in the wild, wild west. ♪

LINDA: They wouldn't listen to
anything the married sheriffs said,

who were actually a lot older

and smarter than the townspeople,

but still good-looking for their age.

But there was a reason the townspeople

didn't want to listen
to the married sheriffs.

- No, there wasn't.
- Yes, there was.

- Because one night...
- Hey, you're not telling the story.

Because one night,

after they ordered the
townspeople to go to bed...

- LINDA: Townspeople, go to bed.
- BOB: Yeah.

- LINDA: 'Cause we're the boss.
- Yeah.

LOUISE: And after all the old-timey

old west lights were out,

the married sheriffs got on their horses

and they rode off into the night.

But not everyone went to bed.

The three Bearps followed the sheriffs.

Attaboy, Pepperoni.

Three riders on him and he's
not even breaking a sweat.

So buff.

LOUISE: They tracked them
to the mine outside of town.

And there, they discovered
that the married sheriffs

were having a sneaky nighttime meeting

with owner of the mine and
super rich guy Mr. Goldoeder.

Hello. I was just kissing
my gold good night.

So, how's the secret plan to
have those nitwit townspeople

keep the place nice and tidy going?

So that Big G will be impressed
and want to buy the town,

the mine and all this land,
and we get our big payout?

Wait, what? No, the married
sheriffs are good guys.

Yeah, that's what
they want you to think.

It turns out their
intentions were not so good.

- In fact, they were bad.
- No.

And all to serve their
own greedy purposes.

- No.
- (GRUNTS)

Louise (WHISPERING): We got to
get rid of the married sheriffs.

- TINA: Yep.
- GENE: The Merriffs?

- That what I call them.
- (PEPPERONI SIGHS)

GENE: Pepperoni likes it.

So, the plan... The
tidy townspeople plan...

Catch me up. How's it going?

It's going really good.

- It-it's not going good.
- It's not going good.

Well, you two need to get tough.

Maybe make an example of one of them.

Blast 'em with your bean blaster.

Like this. Pew!

That's uh, the exact
rock I was aiming to hit.

I should have, uh, said that beforehand.

Anyway, everything has to be perfect

for when Big G comes.

She does not approve of messy towns

or ill-behaved townspeople.

And if Big G doesn't approve,

then she's not gonna buy us out

and we don't get the money,

which I know we're all big fans of.

Don't worry, we'll make
sure Big G is happy.

(SNIFFS) What am I smelling?

Oh, that's me. I-I don't wash myself.

- That's... (SIGHS) Okay.
- So, the townspeople had to figure out

how to get rid of the terrible,
greedy, smelly sheriffs.

(WHISPERING): What if I
just pop down to the pharmacy

and ask for dr*gs
that put kids to sleep?

Probably not. But maybe?

(NORMAL VOLUME): Anyway,
the three siblings had

a secret meeting of their own.

Okay, all the townspeople chipped in.

We've got about a thousand dollars here.

TINA: Or we can offer you and your
horses a free, all expenses paid

weekend here at the inn,

which includes drinks, horse massages,

our finest pretty-clean chamber pots.

Your own personal entertainer.

♪ Look at you, using
your chamber pot. ♪

I think we'll just take the money.

But I like that song.

So, how exactly does the whole

"taking someone and leaving
them in the middle of nowhere"

business work?

Well, basically we just take 'em

and then we, uh, leave 'em
in the middle of nowhere.

- LOUISE: Okay, then.
- Yup, with no money,

uncomfortable walking shoes,

only, like, a super
small thing of sunscreen.

- No podcasts.
- Okay, but what if then,

one of the leave-in-
the-middle-of-nowhere guys

starts asking some questions?

Are you sure you want to
get rid of the married sheriffs?

I mean, uh I haven't been here long,
but they seem nice to me.

And-and loving, I want to say?

Yeah, and wise. Like,
they've got all this wisdom

to pass on about life, and the world...

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

They're forcing us to do chores.

- (GASPS)
- Do what?

No way. You guys seem like

you work so hard all the time.

And you're delightful.

- I know.
- Well, I'm gonna enjoy

leaving them in the middle of nowhere.

And maybe only one
bathroom break on the way,

and then, after that, we'll be like,

- "you got to hold it."
- Yeah.

But if we have to go, we still stop.

- I-I have a small bladder.
- But a big heart.

Linda (WHISPERING): Married sheriff Bob,

I think something
weird might be going on.

BOB: Why, 'cause some
strangers threw us on a horse

- and put a blanket over us?
- Yeah.

I'm beginning to think maybe this isn't

about a surprise birthday
party for us at all.

I mean, for one thing, it's not
anywhere close to our birthdays.

Yeah. Come to think of it,

I was actually the one who said

"is this, like, a surprise
birthday party thing?"

And they said "sure, whatever."

(NORMAL VOLUME): Ooh, that's bright.

- Where are we?
- The middle of nowhere.

- What town is that near?
- None.

- This is your stop.
- Aah! - Aah!

Can we have our bean blasters
back? No reason. Also,

can you maybe give us your
bean blasters? No reason.

- Nope.
- BOB: Fair enough.

And don't you start pleading with us

not to leave you here
'cause we don't feel

emotionally compromised
about this at all.

Uh, please don't leave us here?

- Dang it!
- Please!

I'm not wearing the right bra for this.

Sorry. Best of luck.

Are they still looking at us?

Uh, let me check. Yeah.

- Do they look PO'd?
- Pretty-pretty PO'd.

How about now?

- Hmm. Look still pretty upset.
- Aw, man.

JIMMY JR.: Hey, cheer
up. Let's go get you

- a western omelet.
- ZEKE: Okay.

So the married sheriffs
got what they deserved.

The end. What a great story.

I mean, the structure's
a little all over the place...

LINDA: Up, bup, bup. That's not
the end. No, no, no. You know why?

GENE: Because nobody's kissed yet?

Because the married
sheriffs didn't give up.

They weren't gonna let
those punky townspeople win.

Not that it was about winning or losing.

No, it was. So, they started walking.

And they kept on walking.

And sure, there were
some piggy back rides.

And then they switched.

Uh, yup. And-and they,

uh, fought wolves.

They danced with wolves,

and they fought more
wolves because those wolves

didn't like the fact that they
danced with those other wolves.

Anyway, it was all to get
back to the townspeople

to help them and watch over them.

Oh, no, the townspeople
are having an amazing time

and just totally taking
care of themselves.

- ♪
♪
- (CHEERING)

Yeah!

Well, that's because they
didn't know what was coming.

It was trouble. Real bad trouble.

The bad kind.

You naughty little nincompoops.

You couldn't just do what
you were told, could you?

Big G is gonna change this whole place.

You could have been part of it.

A wonderful, new, civilized society.

The well-mannered west,
she's gonna call it.

And also, I'm gonna get even richer,

which will be pretty cool.

So, what's it gonna be? You leave town

or my miner minions and I

fill you full of beans.

- In a bad way?
- In a very bad way.

- Linda.
- What? Too harsh? It's a western.

Don't you make me
scared of beans, woman!

So, the townspeople... Who
could have avoided all this

by just listening to the sheriffs

and cleaning up the place,

but no... Now they were staring down

the bean blaster
barrels of Mr. Goldoeder

and his miner minions.
It was a standoff.

- They were so standoffish. Sorry.
- Standoff music.

♪ ♪

(LINDA PANTING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Whoa!
- Stop, stop, stop.

We're here to protect you.

Who? Me? That's nice.

- No, them.
- Oh, boo.

Also, water would be great.

Anyone have water? Uh, I-I'll ask later.

Wait, wait, wait.

Why should we trust you?

- Because.
- Because why?

Because we're the sheriffs and
it's our job to protect you.

But how do we know you're
not just out for yourself,

working with Goldoeder
to get your big payday

by impressing Big G?

Okay, yeah, maybe we wanted

to impress Big G a
little bit. So sue us.

Not that this town has a lawyer.

- I'm a lawyer.
- Oh, you are?

Yup. Personal injury, mostly.

- Oh, uh, great.
- A little tax law.

- Okay, yeah, I got it.
- Yup.

LINDA: Anyway, what if doing chores

was actually good for you?

Huh? Did you ever think
about that, you punks?

That-that we love.

Maybe making you do
chores is protecting you.

From being delinquents. Ugh!

- Why didn't you just listen to us?
- Now!

- Aah!
- Huh? - Hey!

See? That's what happens
when we listen to you...

We get all distracted and we
get our bean blasters stolen.

Damn it! Mine tied my
whole outfit together.

LINDA: But then married
sheriff Linda said...

Well, you can't bean
blast all of us, Goldoeder.

For one thing, it would
be a big beany mess,

and you know Big G doesn't like messes.

That's true. Dang it.

LOUISE: But then he had an idea.

I have an idea. Let's have some fun.

- Yay!
- Yay!

Bearps? Married sheriffs?

How about a quick draw contest?

Each round is two people,
two beans. Best sh*t wins.

And the winner of the whole thing

gets to decide who stays and who goes.

Oh, and also, I'm entering

and I'm an amazing sh*t.

Pew!

Yup, that's... the one
I was trying to hit.

And I did.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, the sheriffs would not

get into a quick draw
contest with their own people.

Also, Louise, this sounds a lot like

the movie "The Quick and the Dead".

GENE: Which came first,
the movie or this story?

Uh, the movie.

So, is it like a rom-com, or...

Have you seen that movie, Louise?

Only, like, the parts they showed on TV.

While you were asleep on the couch,

when I watched the whole movie.

Anyway, of course the
sheriffs would do it

because, deep down, they
knew it was the only way

to prove who's boss of this town.

- No, I don't think so.
- She's right.

- What?
- They got to do the bean blaster

competition thingy to show who's boss.

And sheriff Bob and sheriff Linda

somehow both win, the end.

Dut, ba, dut-dut-dut-dut!

So, the contest began.

First up, married
sheriff Bob vs. Louise.

And please enjoy my tiny hat.

A baby gave it to me.

Just kidding, I had it made. By a baby.

You're going down.

Uh, can I go against someone else?

Maybe someone, uh, less i-intimidating?

Maybe the lawyer?

- Hey.
- Nope.

Okay, I-I just...

My butt's out, isn't it?

- It is.
- Disgusting!

Well, that's not fair.

Also, Louise, why would
my butt flap be open?

Wouldn't it be closed?

Oh, they don't invent closing butt flaps

for another years.

Everybody, just listen.

Mom, I didn't get to the part

where you sh**t gene's belt off

- and his butt is hanging out.
- Nice.

Why?! Why?! No!

(WEAKLY): Ashes to ashes.

Butt to butt.

Wait. Did I die?

No, you were just being dramatic.

Got it. Continue.

How did I do, Louise? Pretty good?

Get ready for me to,
um, sh**t you with...

Oh, you won.

So, not great.

LOUISE: Then it was time

to find out who would face off

with Goldoeder in the final round.

And that's when Goldoeder decided

to make it more interesting.

Let's make it more interesting.

Now that we're down to the real-deal

head honchos around here,

why don't we switch
to the real-deal bean.

- Lima.
- (GASPING)

You can't be serious.

But Lima beans are huge.
And they hurt like hell.

And they taste okay at best.

I mean, if you sauté them
with a little butter...

- Bob, shush.
- Dad, shh.

- Sorry.
- And married sheriff Linda said...

I can't believe you're about
to blast me with a Lima bean.

LOUISE: And Louise said...

I can't believe you're about to

blast me with a Lima bean.

Just do the frickin' chores.

No frickin' way.

Aah! Why can't you just do
something when I ask you to?

I'm in charge and I
know what's best for you.

It's like you don't respect me at all,

even though everything
I do, I do it for you.

- Okay, Bryan Adams.
- Sorry. Not doing them.

Ugh! It's so frustrating!

(SNIFFS) You know what? Forget it.

Forget everything, I don't
care. I don't care what you do.

(SNIFFS)

Are you crying? During
a quick draw competition?

No, I'm fine.

Just, I'm in charge
and I'm fine. I'm fine.

Uh-oh. Uh, hey, everyone, uh,
look at, uh, Pepperoni the pony.

(CLUCKS TONGUE)

- So hot.
- It's not all about you, Pepperoni.

(CRIES) It's not...

Uh, do I... win?

Is mom okay? I'm only asking

'cause she ran out of the room crying.

Maybe it's part of her
nightly beauty regimen

that we just aren't aware of.

If it works, it works.

I'm gonna, uh, go talk to her.

- Or maybe I go?
- Oh. Uh, okay.

So, anybody have any fun weekend plans?

- No.
- Okay.

Uh, mom?

Hi. I'm fine.

I just needed to fart,
so I ran out here to fart.

And I'm-I'm not crying,

even though it's really
cool for moms to get angry

and frustrated and cry
in front of their kids.

I'm sorry I made you not cry.

Now I feel like a jerk.

I just... it's not easy

having someone bigger than you

telling you what to do all the time.

And then that thing at school,

Labonz taking my
beautiful finger pop-pet.

You, uh, you caught me at a bad time.

I know, I know.

But I just had that
phone call with Grandma

and her whole chores
spiel got in my head.

So let's call it all Grandma's fault.

No, we love Grandma.

But, yes, sort of.

Also, I mean, one of our chores

was to light Grandpa's cigars.

Like, in our mouths, so...

I can still taste it.

So, maybe she's not mother of the year.

Well, now she sounds great.

It's just, you know...

It's been so much pressure

trying to raise good kids. Good humans.

It can mess you up. And
then I get mad at you guys,

but you're just being kids.

It's-it's just... (SNIFFS)

You know, it's just a lot.

Mostly 'cause of Tina, right? And Gene?

Come here, you.

You know, I'm glad you're so spunky.

It'll be good for you when you're older.

Nobody's gonna push my Louise around.

You'll be the toughest little
cutie in prison. (GRUNTS)

- Thanks, mom.
- And I'm still gonna try

- to make you do chores.
- Mmm, never.

- What if I give you candy?
- Deal.

Maybe some of those finger blasters?

Finger pop-pets.

The candy thing was my idea.

I'd clean the crap out of
this place for some candy.

As usual, candy solves everything.

Now can we go back to mom and dad's bed

and finish the story? I need to know

what happens to that
intriguing piano player.

Does he ever play Coachella?

Oh, hurry it up already.

I need to go home and wash these miners

before tomorrow. They're filthy.

What the...

Yeah, we're on the same side now.

Yeah, deal with it.

- Yay!
- Same sidesies!

Oh, whatever. I'll just bean you both.

Could you stand just next to each other?

And-and also stand closer to me?

What is going on?

Oh, Big G. When did you get here?

Just now.

I took a coach from the train station.

The driver was very rough with my bags,

and his horses were way too loud.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

Well, everything's fine, Big G.

Just gonna get rid of all these
naughty townspeople real quick

and then I can take you

on a fun tour. FYI, the married sheriffs

are not cool anymore.

Ech. Is nobody doing
any chores around here?

I do not approve.

Well, guess what? That's fine.
You don't have to approve of it.

LOUISE: Yeah. Agree to disapprove.

This is our town. These are our people.

And that tart, onion-y
odor is our smell.

And sure, us sheriffs may not always do

what we're supposed to do,
but we do what we need to do.

For the good of this town.

And I'm gonna be a better sheriff

if I listen to my gut,

and not someone else's gut
who doesn't even live here.

And right now, my gut is telling me

back off, Big G.

- Aah!
- BOB: Wait, there's a cannon?

And I ride it, somehow?

- LINDA: Yeah, a bean cannon.
- BOB: And it's rolling on its own?

LINDA: Well, that's how some cannons

worked back then, I'm pretty sure.

- Psst, hey.
- Should we move them?

No, they look so sweet.

We can all fit, right?

Yep. Half my body is
probably fine just floating.

(YAWNING): Wait, you forgot something.

- Yeah.
- Oh, right.

This is some good Pepperoni.

♪ Ah, Pepperoni roamin' the plains ♪

♪ Yes, sir, he's one handsome pony ♪

♪ One handsome pony ♪

♪ Looks like he found some Pepperoni ♪

♪ He's super buff and super humble ♪

♪ The only thing hotter than
his muscles are his morals ♪

♪ He's got hard morals ♪

♪ Go on and look at him
flexing his pectorals ♪

- ♪ Ah, come on, Pepperoni ♪
- ♪ No sliced ham ♪

- ♪ or baloney ♪
- ♪ Don't want no ham or more baloney ♪

♪ Sure hope he finds more Pepperoni. ♪