04x01 - Thinking Makes It So

[bunniefuu]

Yeah? A West doesn't leave
his family to lay lino —
or a tarty piece of skirt.

Hey!
You can keep him, because from now
on, he's no bloody son of mine!

Before you bugger off,
let's talk about a divorce.

Who said anything
about buggering off?

I'm Sheree. It's great to meet you.
I've heard so much about everyone.

Well, guess what. We've
heard f*ck all about you.

(SCOFFS)

Mum had a kid — a bastard kid.

Dad, the kid was Gary.

America, huh?

Uh-huh. They're gonna make a series
out of my videos. It's all totally
true!

Oh, Daddy!

You'd sell your baby?

I never wanted a baby.
Why should I get nothing from this?

You're not selling your baby.
You can't do this!

I'll take you to court.
I'll send you to the bin.

Slight change of plan.
I need half my money up front today.

(SCREAMS)

BABY CRIES

WOLF: Family — back in business.

Blood's always thicker,
don't you reckon?

SIREN WAILS

BABY GURGLES
VAN: Hey, what a clever girl
you are, huh? What a big poo-poo.

You go give your uncle a cuddle.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy. Hey.

Yeah.

TAP RUNS

LOUD KNOCK ON DOOR
Ooh. We got it.

Hey.
Hello. Kitty Mayhew
from Plunket.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Following up on baby, uh...

Princess.
Tiffany.

Princess Tiffany.

LORETTA: Help! I'm in here!
Help! It's me! I'm in here! ]

What was that?
Nothing.

Help me! ]

Stay back from the door. ]

THUD!

What the f*ck do you want?

We received an emergency call
from this address — a kidnapping.

There is no kidnapping.

Help me! ]

LOUD BANGING ON DOOR

How did she get a phone?

I dunno.
Did you give her your phone?

I didn't.

Help! ]
BANGING CONTINUES ]

Just keep it down, eh.
Keep it down.

Hey, she's a real sweetie, eh? Eh?

She's being kept inside for her own
good, and the baby's, all right?

She's the mother?!

No, I'm the mother.

[ No, I am the mother!

She's got a really nice room.
It used to be my room.

Open this door.

She's got psychological issues.

[ Because I am being held prisoner!

Open the door, Cheryl,
or we break it down.

Yes, break the f*cking door! ]

Hold this.

sh*t.

Well, if you're not gonna arrest
her, then get out of my f*cking way!

No! No!

No!

Now, my family are great, and I love
them to pieces, but if they curse or
if they throw anything,

you know, just try not to—

f*ck off! Leave me alone!

sh**t.

f*ck off! No, leave me.

Oh. sh**t-sh**t.

Help me!

(SCREAMS)

Wow. You know these ladies?

(SIGHS)

Mum!

Pascalle. You're back.

f*ck!

Yes. And, uh, this is Milt,
who owns the Sunset Channel.

(GROANS)
He really loves my work,
and, um,... as of two days ago,

is now my adorable and completely
wonderful new husband.

Hi.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

NZ police don't carry weapons.
How 'bout that?

How 'bout doing your f*cking job?

Wow. What a cutie.

She's very healthy, and
the cord's cleaned up nicely.

You think we wouldn't
look after her?

Well, I'll be back very soon,
and I'll be putting in a call
to Maternal Mental Health.

Great.
I'm not nuts. She is
the one who's nuts.

What?
What is going on here?

(MUTTERS) OK, first we had the cops—

No, with Loretta.

She was good, actually, yeah, and
then she— Oh, the whole -day thing
came up.

Uh. What -day thing?

Well, that's when
you can adopt a baby.

A few weeks ago, it was day .
She was gonna give her away.

Where are you going?
Nowhere.

If she signs the adoption thing,
the baby's gone.

So Mum had Munt and I put another
lock on the door, and, um...

And she's been in there ever since?

[ Uh...
KITTY: I'll see you very soon.

Definitely one for psych services.

You're not meant to agree with her.

Well, isn't it a red-letter day?

I hear Wayne moved out.

Yep.

(SNIGGERS) We'll leave you to it.

Mum's gone real dark on it.
The whole Dad thing isn't helping.

Dad thing?
Just sign her over to me, and
everything goes back to normal.

f*ck you!

(SIGHS)

Don't ever take this
phone in there again.

Got it.

Wow. Mum, it's so terrible.

So, you're married, are ya?

Yes, and I know you're dying to hear
about it — the little chapel in Las
Vegas.

That can wait. Stay here and hold
the fort. I'll be back in time for
her next feed.

Loretta?
No, the baby.

Shouldn't have stolen my
phone, man. That was mean.

Van, what no one seems to get is
I've promised my baby to a poor
childless couple.

OK, but we really like her too.

What about the angst
as they wait and wait—?

Yeah, but she's, like,
this perfect little princess.

You know? (CHUCKLES)

That's my new name for her —
Princess. (CHUCKLES)

f*ckin' hell.
I wanted to call her Aurora,
but Mum says it's bad luck.

Van.

I owe the Colquhouns. I owe
them a shitload of money.

Give it back.
I can't. I've already spent it.

OK.

I'll help.
Really?

Yep.

(SIGHS)
I've got...

—
That's not gonna do it, Van.

I'm trying to help you.
You don't care about me at all.

I— Of course I do.

No. You're a coward and you're a
traitor, and I hope you remember
that when I do go actually crazy

or die of starvation.

I'm starting a hunger strike.

BOTH MOAN PASSIONATELY

PHONE RINGS

BREATHLESSLY: Yeah, gidday.

CHERYL: f*ck. Wolf, is that you?

Cheryl, what can I do for you?

I'm looking for Jethro.

Don't go anywhere.

(SIGHS)

Why are you sleeping there?

It's safer.

Eh?

Oi.

For you.

Your mother.
Hey, Dad.

Let's take this upstairs, shall we?

Hey, Mum. What's up?

I know you're not meant to come
round to the house any more, Dad,
but, uh, Loretta, she's real bad,

and, um,... Mum's bad.

It's all bad.

Except, um, Princess.
I mean, she's amazing.

Yeah.
Oh, and, uh, Pascalle,
she's good too, I guess.

She's back?
Yep, with her husband.

Her f*ckin' what?

Her husband.

No, no, no, no. Dad.
But about Loretta...

Yeah, well, at least
the cops think she's crazy,

and it won't be long till
you're going to court.

But no way am I letting that bitch
from Herne Bay take little Tiffany.

Tiffany?

(SCOFFS)
What's wrong with that?

Uh, nothing.

Oh, hold on. I've gotta go.
I'll talk to you later.

All going well?
Yep. Couldn't be better.

It was real sweet of you
to take the couch, Jethro.

I didn't have a choice, did I?

BOTH MOAN LOUDLY

Well, it was playing hell
with your old man's back.

(SCOFFS)

Where are you going?

Got a few things to sort out.

Family things.

DOOR SLAMS

(SIGHS)

Well, it wasn't my fault.

What about Tui?
What about it?

Well, it's not a bad name.

(CHUCKLES)

So, what's the dirt on the
Colquhouns?

Nothing. Fine upstanding couple.
Not even parking tickets.

Oh sh*t.

Are you coping?

(SIGHS) Kind of.

Is there anything I can do?

Well, you're dealing with the
old man. It's more than enough.

What do you bloody want?

Daddy! I was gonna surprise you.

Yeah, well, you did that all right.

Hey, Mr West. Milton Delaney III.

What sort of a stupid name is that?

It's my name. Same as my daddy's
and my good old pop's.

Aren't you going to congratulate me?

I'll get back to you on that.

TEARILY: Milt.
OK, OK. Shh. Shh.

(SOBS)
Come on, honey. It's OK.
Shh. Think beautiful. Shh.

What happened?

That's quite a bit of money.

That's why I can't back out.
Not that she can see it.

Well, your mother
doesn't know everything.

Out. Now.

I'll see what I can do.
No, what you'll do is get out — now!

DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS CLICK

You have no right to come in here.
You have no right!

This is different.
What is?

New bedspread.

It's bad enough you coming round to
my business. I don't want you in
my home, talking about furnishings.

Technically, it is
still half my house.

And as for the business...

I think it's to do
with the Gary thing.

Yeah, good old Gary.

He asked me to take care of a few of
his business affairs while he was
away.

This is my business.

Well, my business now.

Family business. ]

Great undies, Cheryl.

All I want is what's
best for my family.

By making them cry?

I'll get to Pascalle. Loretta's
the priority, I would have thought.

Well, f*ck me, I hadn't noticed.

Want to keep your
granddaughter or not?

I'm trying to.

And making a right cock-up of it.

And you waving your d*ck
around's helping (!)

You don't have to like her.

I don't. So why don't you just
bugger off? Do what you're best at.

(SIGHS)

BABY WHIMPERS
Hey, there.

BABY CRIES

Nearly as cute as you were.

You were really rude to my husband.

Thought you were off to see
the world, make a movie.

It's a series, and we're sh**ting
it here, like Lord of the Rings.

So you had to marry the old fart?

Milt is not that old. He's
not much older than you are.

And he's the sweetest man in the
whole world, and he needs me.

I'll bet he does.

You are trying to make
this ugly, but you can't.

You don't marry a man
you've known for four weeks.

It's five weeks, and you
knocked up Mum in less time.

Well, look where that ended.

I know that you're bitter
about you and Mum.

No, I'm not.
You are. You're both thinking
dark, angry thoughts.

But, Dad, too darks,
they don't make a light.

It's like you're in a dark room,
charging about all angry,

but all that happens is you bang
into the furniture or a wall, and
that's gotta hurt.

You know what you need
to do here, don't you?

Um, no.

You need to put the light on.

Right.

Yeah, or open some curtains, cos
natural light is much better, and
it's filled with vitamin D.

BOTH LAUGH

So, where are we up to?

The Rusty Nail — roast of the day.

Have you heard from the cops?

No.

Don't they want to know
where the bodies are buried?

It's one body and only a suspicion.

If they'd get off their arses and
dig up that driveway, they'd find
out.

Ted, the point of the exercise, as I
remember it, was to get rid of Gary
Savage.

Gary bloody Savage.

Well, he's gone.

Skipped the country
because we were on to him.

We don't know that.
I know it. You know it.

That doesn't give us the right
to dig up driveways in Kumeu.

You gonna eat that?

You give the cops a rark-up,
or I bloody will.

That was fantastic, Cheryl.
What do you call that dish?

Fish pie.

Is this traditional food?

Yeah, well, I have it all
the time when I come round.

ALL LAUGH

Well, great. I'm all in.

Oh, you go. I'll see you soon.

Mmm. Goodnight, all.
Goodnight, Cheryl. Thank you.

Can I have your beer, man?
Oh, yeah, please.

Yeah! Go, Lord of the Rings, eh?
I love those hobbits, man.

Yeah! Hey, do the orc walk.

ALL LAUGH

Yeah, boy! (GIGGLES)

So, what's the story
with this wedding?

Well, we took a trip to
Las Vegas in his private jet.

So he is loaded.

That's not the reason why we got
together. We have heaps to give each
other.

You get cash. So what does he get?

I've given Milt something precious
that he thought was impossible
without dr*gs.

Yeah, sometimes those old guys, they
can't get a boner any other way.

(LAUGHS)

No, Milt was, like, seriously
incapacitated until he met me,
but I healed him.

Yeah, with the power of lo-ove.
ALL LAUGH

I reached out and I touched him.

[ Go, Milt.

Well, mainly it was the
power of positive thinking.

And how does that work?

Well,...

if you think beautiful, which is my
new philosophy, then things truly do
become beautiful in real life.

What if you're butt ugly or way fat?

A few extra kilos don't matter
if you think beautiful.

Are you saying I'm fat?

I think she is.

You're not fat, baby. You're cuddly.

Oh, now you're saying I'm fat.

I'm saying I can heal.

I have that power.

You know, I can heal you and Loretta
and Dad, who you really need to heal
with, and also little Harmony.

Harmony?
It's a symbolic and beautiful name.

Sounds like a shampoo.

I like Tuscany.
Aurora.

I s'pose we could call her Dawn.

That sounds nothing like Aurora.

It sounds like brain damage.
Dawn. Dawn.

I believe that if we just think
beautiful, then the right name
will manifest.

Everything will be fine. You'll see.

(KISSES) You'll see.

Now I'm gonna go heal Milt.

Lucky Milt.
VAN LAUGHS

What a load of bullshit.

[ Uh, gold-digger —
the full Anna Nicole.

Put the freaking light on.

What's she on about?

And the other one,
all stinky and crazy.

She can't keep me out of that house.
She can't stop me seeing my kids.

And this 'she' would be Cheryl.

Mm.

She's just threatened and probably
tired. She's not as young as she
used to be.

Trying to run a business with a new
baby. She must have rocks in her
head.

Mm. Oh, we could help, you know.

Nah, she doesn't want me
anywhere near the business.

No, I meant with the baby.

We could take her.
We could?

Yeah. I love babies, and I've got
time, and little girls are so cute.

I was thinking Leticia.

You what?
Leticia, for a name.

Nah, I think it's Tiffany.

Oh, no, that is gross.

Look, it's sweet you want to help,
but I don't think that'd go down too
well.

With Cheryl?
Mm.

Why do you care what she thinks?

Loretta's the real problem here.

All it needs is a practical
approach — not that she can see it.

Cheryl?
Mm.

More action, less f*cking around.

Mmm. Well, action sounds good.

(MOANS) ]

(GRUNTS)

WOLF MOANS PASSIONATELY

Oh my God.

Jesus Christ. Does he never stop?

We don't have to be here.

Yeah, we do.
WOLF MOANS

If I leave,
I'll never get back in.

Really?

Hey, you don't know my father.

He's back, and everything
has to be his way.

BABY CRIES

Yeah, yeah. I'm coming.

OK. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

BABY CONTINUES CRYING

Come on. There's a girl.

(EXHALES)

Yeah. Come on. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Here you are. Here you are.

There you go. That's a girl.

Shh.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

EMOTIONAL MUSIC

Hi. Are you here
about the landscaping?

No, not about landscaping.

So, where's the little woman?

She's at work. Not seeing
much of her at the moment.

Well, that'll make it
hard with a new baby.

No, I'd be looking after her.

You would?

Yeah, men can look after babies.

Don't you have a job?

I was in finance. I sold out.

See, the thing is,
Andrew, all of this,...

it's a bit of a misunderstanding.

No, it's a clear agreement
with Loretta.

She changed her mind.

Since when?

She changed her mind.

So here's the money you paid her.

I don't want it.

It's grand.

I sold my business for four million.

I'm telling you this
arrangement is over.

I get your message loud and clear,
Mr West, but we have a deal with
your daughter.

And I'm saying you don't.

I think you better go
before I call the police.

Don't you think they might like to
hear about this? Cash for babies.

Any payment was for expenses. That's
not illegal, not according to my
lawyer.

I have dealt with bigger shits than
you in my time. Take your money.
Get the f*ck out.

Take it!
Piss off!

This is about my family.

No, it's about my family!

I don't want it,
and, no, I won't sign.

BABY GURGLES

Look. Look at her.

Oh, f*ck. Not this again.

Come on. Look at her.

Do you think that if I do that
enough, something will magically
change?

Come on.

BABY GURGLES

Nope, nothing.

Well, you need to know that I love
her. I really really love her.
Little Angelique.

Angelique?

If you want to name her, go for your
life. I'll love her whatever she's
called.

And it'll break
my heart if she goes.

And I can't live in the
same house, not with her.

Fine. You go, then.
Go?

Yeah. You don't have to live here —
not if you don't want to.

You'd trade me for her?

Well, she needs a mother
and a family.

And you're all grown up now.

Well, kind of.

You'll be fine.

So what do you say?

KNOCK ON DOOR

PASCALLE: Mum, there's someone
here to see you from CYFs.

Coming.
What do you say?

I say, 'Wow, Mum. Thanks for all
the love (!)' And, 'f*ck you.'

LOCKS CLICK

I heard from Plunket.

Do-gooders United?
You don't like Plunket?

No, they're fantastic.
They're great.

My job will be a hell of a lot
easier once I've got custody.

I'm going to court, so I need the
social-work assessment you promised.

Part of that assessment
is the wider family.

Women in this family, they're
all the same — liars and cheats,

their slutty knickers round their
ankles. You can't trust them.

Yeah, Cheryl's great.
She's so staunch.

And anyone who ever threatened that
little girl, she'd give them such a
smacking.

Yeah, I've got a lot of time for
that little girl, cos, um,...

she's probably the reincarnation
of my dead girlfriend.

I don't care what your issues are,
or your opinion of my family. You
owe me.

I'm in an awkward position.

Yeah, you are, aren't ya?

With CYFs, especially since you bent
the rules for your Colquhoun mates.

So finish that assessment, and
it better be f*cking glowing.

You're married to some old guy?

He's not old. Look, I cut it myself.
I was thinking Peach for a name,
because it's like Apple, but softer.

Back to married after five minutes.
Why isn't Mum spazzing about that?

Cos she gets that I'm happy and
successful. Now, Maternal Mental
Health are coming tomorrow.

You're married to a doddery Yank.
How crazy is that?

He's not doddery. He's lovely,
like all Americans.

Huh. An entire country on
your intellectual level.

They just love that I'm so natural.

I've had to learn American, because
they've never heard of huckery, and
you can't say 'f*ck' on TV.

Oh. No wonder you came back.

Yeah. But, you know, I'm happy not
to curse, because my brand is all
about what's good. Your brand?

Mm-hm. I'm getting my own trademark
— Think Beautiful TM - for my
philosophy.

(SCOFFS)

What? (CHUCKLES)

W-Well, I'm sorry, but the
ramblings of an unemployed former
model and rest-home worker

do not constitute a philosophy.

It works.

What are you doing?
I'm reaching out to touch.
You really need to heal.

f*ck off.

This Posh plan that you're on is not
the way to lose your baby weight.

I don't want to lose weight. I want
to be hospitalised so I can get out
of here.

Oh my God. You are sick.

You know that's cursing, don't you?

I'm gonna put all my energy into
thinking beautiful for you, and
it will work. You'll see.

And you think I'm insane?

I just wanted to follow up on
the information we gave you.

Find out why you're so piss-useless.

We looked into it. As a lead,
it was a little tenuous.

It was the job they were doing when
Shuker disappeared — because Gary
Savage knocked him off.

We haven't been able to speak to
Mr Savage. He's out of the country.

He did a runner.
We will be contacting him.

Forget the talk. Dig the driveway.
He's under there.

We appreciate your concern,
but this is in our hands now.

What hands? You're sitting on them.
Got them fiddling up your jacksie.

Ted.
She wouldn't know a crime if
it goosed her on the growler.

This is the last time I help
you lot with your enquiries.

Well, well...

It's kind of personal for Ted.

Thought you'd ended your connection
with the West family.

Not the Ted bit.

Well, if you ever wanted
to go hunting some time...

Sorry?

I got a nice new Ruger —
very smooth action.

Great.

Give me a call if you wanna go bush.

Oh God, Cher. She's so gorgeous.

She doesn't look a bit like Loretta.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Is this more about the Gary thing?

She's got enough on her plate
without you giving her a hard time.

I haven't bloody said anything.

But you were going to, and
she doesn't need it right now.

No, no, it's all right.

Really?

Yep.

Let's take this
somewhere else, shall we?

So, you tried to pay
the money back? What with?

Doesn't matter. The point is that
Colquhoun bastard's not backing
down.

(SIGHS) Bloody Loretta.
Yep.

Sometimes I think she might
not be quite right upstairs.

Yep.
Where did we go wrong?

Oh, she'd never have been any
different. She came out that way.

Follow you around the room with
those eyes. Take your car keys,
hide 'em in her nappy.

Oh well. If she is nuts,
it might help us in court.

You don't want to
leave this to some judge.

Well, she's not going to back down.

We need to stop bashing
our heads against that wall,

and use a sledgehammer elsewhere.

What, on Loretta?

There are two claims — yours, which
is right, because she's our kid;

and theirs, which is
rich-bastard bullshit.

One of those claims needs to
be taken out of the equation.

With a sledgehammer?

A little show of family force —
united front.

If he can stand it.

Maybe.

For a good cause.

Hey, Falani. Thanks for coming.

My friends, left and right,
will defend your family's honour.

No, there'll be no fisticuffs.
KASEY: Oh, none at all?

We don't want the cops round.

I'm sorry, but I cannot
be part of this.

This is about your family.

MILT: I don't mind, honey.

It's not beautiful thinking.
It'll raise Milt's blood pressure.

Oh, well, Milt can piss off back
to Alabama or wherever he's from.

It's Florida — Daytona Beach.

Yeah, we'll get back to you.

Come on, Milt. Let's go give you
your daily dose of sunshine.

Uh, we can't take Pumpkin.
Pumpkin?

Someone's gotta look
after her. Munter.

No, we need Munter. These folks in
Herne Bay need to get to know their
tangata whenua.

ALL: Yeah.

Uh, Sheree can look after the baby.
She's really good with kids.

Yeah. Point me to the formula.

It's on the bench. If you use the
microwave, check for hot spots.

Yeah, yeah.
And don't go near Loretta.

I'm not scared of her.
No, I mean it. Don't go near her.

LAUGHTER

CRASH!

Gidday, Andy.

What? You've come to
get your money back?

I've got a few friends
I thought you should meet.

Come on, everyone, this is Andy.

Hi, Andy.

(LAUGHS) Show us the house.

Oh, sweetie.

Who is it?

Sheree. ]

Stand back from the door,
and no funny business.

OK.

Mm, a dump.

Aren't you a naughty girl — making
everyone run around after you?

Where are they?

They've gone to visit
your friends, the Colquhouns.

sh*t!

Yeah. I wanted to go, but then I
thought maybe it was about time you
and me had a little girl talk.

Assuming you were a girl —
not my father's slapper.

Look,

we could just sit here trading
insults or you could listen to a
proposition that I have.

I could take your baby.

You?!

Me and Wolf.

It makes sense. And she stays in the
family but not in your face.

Problem over.

What's in it for you?

I love babies.

And I love your father.

And I'm not the bitch slapper
you all seem to think I am.

No.

No. You're clearly really kind and
considerate and thoughtful (!)

In fact, if I had to pick
who you were most like,

it would be a tough call between
Princess Di or Mother Teresa (!)

Forget it, bitch.

Oi, you're not going already? We
were having such a good girly
chat (!)

(SCREAMS)

Argh!

Bitch!

You come back.

Urgh!

(SIGHS)

f*ck!

Hey, check it out, bro.
All the bottles are full.

We know where to come
if we want a drink, eh?

Wicked pool out there, Munt.

[ Choice!

Oh, sorry.

(LAUGHS)

I must have shook it up in the van.

Oh, this is a good system.

Yeah, top of the line.
Thank you.

Yeah, we thought it was about time
we came round and met you properly
now we're all going to be family.

It's hard to believe
you're all related.

Me and Wolf are blood brothers.

Yeah. We've so many friends that are
all keen to stay in touch with our
little baby.

And we love the pool.

Oh, nice big lawn, too, eh.
We could put down a hangi.

Yeah.
An umu's better.

Oh, they suck.
Oh, we'll do both.

Oh yeah! Yeah!

We'll invite the whole whanau.
We'll have a bit of a hooley,
now we know where you live.

Oh, it's the lady of the house.

(SPITS)

It's Loretta's family. They thought
they would pay us a visit.

Hi, there.
Hi.

TELEPHONE RINGS

I better get that.

PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

Well, it's been a nice visit,
Andrew. First of many.

(PANTS)

HEAVENLY MUSIC

Well, that was a good day's work.

Think they bought it?

Might have to go there tomorrow with
a few mates from the Rusty Nail.

Oh, the ones with the most tact (!)
Hey, that was weird, eh?

Yeah, how do they keep
their bottles full?

No! The way your mum and dad acted
like they liked each other.

Yeah, but when they were together,
they were always yelling and sh*t.

[ It was your f*cking
idea to leave her here.

Yeah, going like that.

Sheree!

She's gone.

I'm in here. ]
Sheree?

Yes, it's me, and I need the key. ]

Where's the key? Where's the key?!

Where did she take her?
I don't know.

You stupid f*cking cow. I
told you not to go in there.

It's not my f*cking—

You know where she's
gone, don't you?

She f*cking jumped me!

Hey!

f*ck.

PHONE RINGS

Judd Security.

Hey, Wayne. It's Monica.

You know that thing
we discussed earlier?

Yeah, I'm a bit busy
for hunting at the moment.

Not that thing, the other thing.

There have been developments.

In the inquiry?

Involving an elderly man
and some heavy machinery.

What's he done now?

BABY CRIES

Hi.

Here.

One baby as promised. So call your
lawyer. Let's do it.

No, that won't be necessary.

BABY CRIES

Isn't she just the sweetest?

What the f*ck?

I did it. I told you I would.

Well, I was thinking beautiful,
and then I put it from my mind

cos I was showing Milt my
formative influences,

and then it happened.

What happened?

Corinna Balami and the number five.

Corinna! Hi.

CHILDREN CRY

I had hardly said, 'Hi,' when she
told me about Hans, the German
backpacker,

who left her in debt and knocked
her up with number five,

which she didn't want and couldn't
afford, and there she was —

beautiful answer.

Corinna Balami has ugly babies.

No, this one is cute, and
white, cos of the German.

And once Milt showed me how to write
Colquhoun, the whole thing only took
five minutes.

You can't do this.
This is breach of—

sh*t.

You sneaky prick.

Pascalle?
It's OK. No need to thank me.

PEOPLE TALK

What's this obsession with diggers?

You don't expect me to dig up a
concrete driveway with a bloody
shovel.

SIRENS WAIL

f*ck.

Get out of the way, ya mongrel.

ENGINE REVS

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

CRASH!

I would have done it, too —
found that body.

Look, Ted, is this really
anything to do with you?

Rita went and had him —
Gary bloody Savage.

He was damned from the
day he was born.

OK.

What happened to you?
Nothing.

'If a crime's being committed, get
off your chuff.' What happened to
that?

Well, we don't know, and that's the
point. There's nothing more we can
do, so can you just let it rest?

Buy me a pint and I'll
think about it.

Well, well, well, look at you.

Yeah, I'm a new woman, thanks
to Goddess Pascalle (!)

The gold-digger. Must
be thrilled about that.

About that money you owe me.

What money?

The money I paid the Colquhouns.

I didn't ask you to pay it.

And I'm not asking for it back.

Not yet.

But I do expect a return.

You want interest?

I'd like to be kept informed.

You want me to spy
on your own family?

More be a point of contact.

Right. So, do I need a code and a
disguise or can I use the phone?

Over to you. Unless you want
to come and stay at my place.

There's no room at your
place cos it's Jethro's place.

He can shift in with his girlfriend.

Well, thanks for the offer, Dad, but
I'd rather sleep with cane toads
than live with you and the banshee.

What's going on?

Just another movie-of-the-week
moment.

OK, come on, let's do this.

(SIGHS)

OK, now you sign here.

I can't.

What now?

I have a condition. If I have to
live in the same space as this
child,

then it cannot be called Tiffany,
Angelique or Princess.

And it cannot be named after any
kind of fruit, fauna, wildlife,
foreign city, minor pop star,

or cheap designer label.

You want to name her?
Yes, I do.

OK.

WOLF: I would like to raise a toast
to a little girl who is now in our
family for good.

To Jane.

Baby Jane.
Jane!

Jane?
Jane.

What kind of spat name is that?

It's the name Loretta chose.

Who knows? You might even
be able to spell it.

It starts with J.

It's also a classic movie
about two loving sisters.

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?
Correct.

Oh, is that a bit like you and me?

Yeah, a lot like
you and me, actually.

Wow, that is so sweet.

I think she might be
kidding you, honey.

So there are advantages to
having elderly husbands.

I would like to take this
opportunity to welcome Milt
into our family.

I'm sure we'll all make
him very welcome. ]

Cheers, Milt.
Hi, Milt.

Welcome, Milt.
Milt.

Thank you. I'm totally
overwhelmed. Thank you.

And I am too,

about the beauty of this moment,

and about being worried about
everything because of my philosophy.

So I want us all to take this
moment, reach out, and touch.

Touch what?

Whoever is sitting next to you.

Come on, just reach out, take
their hand— Come on, Mum.

And I want you all to remember
who made this happen, even though
some of you were incredibly rude.

SHOUTS: Just take the f*cking hand
of the f*cking person next to you
now!

Sorry to curse, but I had to talk
to them in their own language.

When in Rome, baby.

See? Doesn't that feel good?

Ow!

OK.

Can we eat now?
Yeah.

Good.

Well, that turned out all right.

Yeah.

You and me, the whole family —
it's a lot like old times.

Yeah.

At least now we can sort
that divorce, eh?

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

MUSIC CONTINUES