04x06 - A Good Child and a True Gentleman

[bunniefuu]

We all know that Gary was a bastard,

but what if I told you that
Rita was banging Gary's dad
way before Gary came along?

Before you were born —
significantly before you were born.

I've forked out a shitload of money
on you, and I intend to get it back.

You start over there.

They took all my stock.

What do you want me to do?
Scorched earth policy.

I don't do that any more, eh.

TEARFULLY: Please, Sparky.

It got too big. It spread next door.

What's next door to the Video Hut?
I thought it was empty.

It's a pet shop.
ANIMALS SCREECH

Oh my God.

I could hear them screaming.

What have you done?

I stood up to Dad. That's what
I did. That is all I did.

They will love this episode.
It's called, 'You're nice and
I am beautiful,'

and it's about valuing yourself in
the face of personal conflict. Do
you wanna hear it?

Not now, hon. Van, have you been
putting formula in your coffee?

Yeah, it tastes good.

It's expensive.

You look like sh*t.

Sparky was screaming in his
sleep again last night.

I didn't light the match.
Well, you may as well of.

Pet k*ller.

Oh, I got one straight back.
Oh my God, I love email.

You want eggs?
Nah. Gotta go.

BABY WAILS
There she is. Coming.

What?!

Good morning, little monkey.
You want some breakfast? (LAUGHS)
Come on.

BACK CRACKS
Oh God.

Oh, f*ck.

Uh, Loretta,...

my back — it's gone.

Like I'm gonna fall for that.

f*ck. Oh, God, Loretta!

Nice try, Mum.

They've canned my show.

Oh, wow. That's a loss
to the world (!)

I think Mum's put her back out.

How could they?

[ Pascalle? I can't move.

Yeah, I know how you feel.
How could they?

Oh, Jesus m*therf*cking Christ.
Pascalle!

(CRIES)

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

Jesus, that's pathetic.
Come on! Step it up.

Wolf, phone.

Yeah, I'll call them back, mate.

It's your boy. Urgent, apparently.

(SIGHS)

Yeah, what?

Yeah, hey. Look, we're kinda
stuffed until Sparky comes back

cos he didn't even come close
to finishing his pre-wires, so
we can't gib.

Well, tell him to get
his arse into gear.

Yeah, I tried, but it's complicated.

TENTATIVELY: Sparky.
You gotta get up, man.

The sun!
Dude, you've gotta shake this.

The sun is the father of all fire.

We need you back on site
to finish the wiring.

Electricity is concealed fire...

that burns the innocent.

He's a lazy f*ck. He's just
spinning you a line.

Yeah, well, you try, then, man.

The place won't finish itself,
so what about getting down here?

All right.

Come on, Lloydie. Free hit.

No, Mr Wolf, I couldn't.

Always take an opportunity, Lloyd.

Oh, f*ck. (PANTS)

There we go. That wasn't so bad.

How would you know?

Well, you're forgetting that I
used to be a nurse, before I had an
amazing career in inspirational TV.

Shame about that, love.

You don't know what it feels like
to get your ultimate vocation ripped
away.

Does it feel like an axe through
your spine and a red-hot poker up
your arse?

Not quite.

Lucky for you, I'm here.

I should take your temperature.

f*ck that and get me some
painkillers — now.

Uh. What are you doing?

What?

(SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY) If you
have wax issues, use these.

They haunt me, Pascalle.
Their screams.

Sparky, the animals
are dead and gone.

And it's all my fault.

What do you expect, working
for my psycho sister?

Gentle, innocent souls...

charred. Boiled.

Sparky, bad things can happen to
anyone — even those who so don't
deserve it —

and even if you're suffering quite
terribly, you've got to take that
pain and turn it into a positive.

Somewhere out there, there's a
living thing waiting for your help,

so just go and— sh*t. Empty boxes
should get binned. It's like putting
a dead match back in the matchbox.

Oh jeez.

I don't mean you.

Ah, just the man I wanted to see.
You've got a job to finish.

No, no. Not the wires.

Cut the loopy sh*t, Sparky.
There's work to do.

No, never.

What are you doing here?
I came to see Sparky.

Well, you've seen him. Now go.

I just got here.

I haven't forgiven you for what you
did. I have to get medication for my
patient.

What patient?
Mum. She's put her
back out, big time.

Ah.

Don't go in there.

Taking a load off, I hear.

sh*t.

Painkillers?

I'm working on it, OK? You, out.
In a minute.

If this was a real hospital,
I'd call security.

What do you want?
Is that any way to talk to visitors?

You're a gloating prick.

How did it happen? Not like ?

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS) Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

No. Oh. Oh. Stop.

Oh. Get off me.

What are you doing here?

Sparky — he's dragging the chain.

He's a mess, thanks to
your d— daughter.

Oh, that's bad.

Come on. Tell me what you need.

Painkillers.

But mostly, I need you to piss off.

Your wish is my command.

(SIGHS)

Did you upset her?

Actually, she asked me to help.

She did not.

So what can I do?

Uh, leave.

You want me to mind Jane?

Like you're qualified to do that.

Well, I have had four
more kids than you.

Five, actually.

And I am a woman, and a nurse, and
you are just a man who aggravates
people.

I didn't come here to fight, love.

sh*t. It's empty. God, there's
no food, there's no formula.
This family's useless.

Not all bad.

You can just piss off.

OK.

Good.

(SIGHS)

POP MUSIC PLAYS

I used to be a stripper, Van, did
you know that? Not of wallpaper,
either.

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

Is that how you met my dad?

But now I only take my clothes
off for people that I know.

Mm.

Thank you, Van.

It's cool. I didn't put sugar in it
cos chicks don't usually take sugar.

No, I mean for everything. You don't
judge me the way that some people in
your family do. Thank you.

OK, the bad news is we've
run out of painkillers.
For f*ck's sake.

The good news is I'll get some, and
in the meantime we've got this and
these.

What are they?
Arnica.

Herbal sh*t. I want painkillers now.

Hostility is natural. It's the
frustration of one's body failing.

It's not failing.

I see it all the time with my
work with elderly and infirm.

I'm not old.

Just— Ow, God. I'm just in pain.

SOFTLY: Oh, f*ck.

OK.

OK, that feels quite good.

See? You're in good hands.

What are you doing?

Well, heat relaxes the muscles, so
now we're ready for stretches.

Stretches?
We don't want you to seize.

Don't you bloody touch me.
Gently, now.

Pascalle, no.
One—

(SCREAMS)

CELLPHONE RINGS

Yeah.
Dad. Um, where are you guys?

Uh, you were right. Sparky's
gone to Planet La-La.

We need another electrician.

Uh, that's cool.

Look, we've got a couple of other
jobs we could go on with till then.

What jobs?

Paying ones.

Have you finished the plumbing?

No. Not totally.

Then get off your arses.

Well, are you coming down to help?

Nah, I can't.

Why not?

f*ck, you're kidding.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. See ya.

Well?
Dad can't make it.

Why not?

Oh, Mum's put her back out.

(SCOFFS) Her back.

Yep. When that happens, it's a
major. She could be in bed for days,
so he needs to be there for BJ.

BJ?
Baby Jane.

That's not a good abbreviation
for a little girl.

Well, we'll just have to do
everything ourselves, then.

What about our other jobs?

Fine. Piss off. Walk out
on me, why don't you?

Are we doing those
other jobs or not?

Put the egg in the thing. Oh.

Oh, thank God you're here.

I'm just picking something up.

Can you give Baby Jane her bottle?

Uh, no.

Uh, yes. I can't do everything.

I don't do baby.
No feeding, no nappies.

Even holding is against the terms
of the agreement I have with Mum.

Then can you feed Mum?
Why?

Because she is bedridden.

Has she lost the use of her arms?

She is in extreme pain
and I need help.

It's not like you've got
anything else to do.

Are you referring to the end
of my motivational career?

It's not over. Motivate Grandpa.

You are a cold and heartless bitch.

How's the patient?
Where is she?

She's in her room.
Can you give her this?

Hey.
Alcohol has no place in
back-injury recovery. Go.

Bitch.

(JANE GRUMBLES)

Grandpa.

I have to go out. Can you
please feed Baby Jane?

Here she comes. Here she comes.
Here she comes. 'K. Bye.

Look at you, you old slapper.

(GROANS)

Any excuse to get on your back, eh?

Don't make me laugh.
It hurts like a bastard.

Wanna open up?
I don't want food. I want
something for the pain.

Ol' matron nicked our wine.

But she didn't search our bags.

Oh my God. You girls are genius. Oh.

(COUGHS) So, how's work?
Can I have a cigarette?

We can't work now — not
with our boss paralysed.

I'll come back as soon
as I can numb the pain.

Oh my God. I so hope you don't
have to have surgery.

It's a slipped disk.

I saw a documentary and this
woman had to have an operation.

This surgeon was whacking her
spine with a hammer and chisel.

True?!
No sh*t. She never walked again.

Have you got work you
should be doing?

It's all to do with what
the jockey's wearing.

There's an old saying
around the tracks —

'Red diamonds on a number four,
up the front and full of class;

'green diamonds on a number five,
could be lucky, never last.

'But yellow on a number two, you're
guaranteed the monkey's arse.'
(CHUCKLES)

Teaching her what's what, old man?

We're busy here.

What are you doing here?

What you should — helping out
while your mother's crook.

I'm busy.

About to torch something else?

There was an accident which sadly
resulted in a loss of all my stock.

Your insurance company believe you?

They're busy people.
One creditor is happy to hear that.

Good luck with the bedpans.

Don't try acupuncture. I knew this
girl once who had nine of those
needles stuck around her fanny.

You, you bastard.

Now, let's not upset the patient.

What are you doing to my boyfriend?

Nothing he's not up for.

He's a physical wreck.

Hey.

Again. Oh. Oh.

(GROANS)
[ That's gotta hurt.

Come on, Lloydie.

Come on. Whoa. Oh.

Oh, watch out. Here it comes.

(GROANS)

Lloyd. Come on.

That's the way, big fella.

He wants to be a better man for you.

Well, how's that meant to work?

Boxing is hot.

Not when he is crippled. He can't
even manage foreplay. You damage
him, and I am so coming after you.

What about Cheryl?

Come on.

I'll be fine. Just go
and do some work.

It's been a long time since Rochelle
had a decent boyfriend. Don't ruin
it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why are you here? I don't
want to see you.

I know where I'm needed.

Not here, you're not.

Well, I guess I'll leave these...

here, then.

Give them here.

So you do want my help?

f*ck you, Wolf.

(GROANS)

Don't exert yourself.

Open up.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

Water?

There, there. All better in no time.

Check it out.

That was fast.

You just click it all together.

So now all we've gotta do is whack
in a new hot-water cylinder. Booyah.
Mains pressure, baby. (LAUGHS)

But at the moment there's no
pressure cos we turned the water
off,

and we just finished rolling
an excellent doobie.

See? We're getting there, eh?
Dad's dream house.

TEARFULLY: You guys are just...
You're so great. (SOBS)

Never seen a chick cry
over plumbing before.

Those weren't happy tears, man.

Best leave her. Might be
that time of the month.

Women are unpredictable around then,
like members of the big-cat family.

You're talking sh*t.
No, no. I seen it on Animal Planet.

You don't leave a chick to cry.

She's not your chick.

And she's unpredictable — like the
mountain lion and the white tiger.

(SIGHS)

You hate our plumbing that much?

(LAUGHS) No. I'm stoked — really.

Yeah. You look pretty stoked (!)

(LAUGHS)

It was just what you said about
this being your dad's dream home.

Yeah. But yours too, 'course.

For something he says he loves so
much, how often do you actually see
him here?

Well, he's busy.

Yeah, I noticed. Like he
doesn't give a sh*t.

No.

No way, man. Dad, he's way
into this place, you know?

And you.

Look, I-I know my dad.

OK? Cos— Well, cos he's my dad. And
I know he wouldn't be doing all this
stuff if he wasn't really into yo.

And you guys are a really
hot couple, you know?

Especially you.

(CHUCKLES)
Look, all I'm saying is just...
don't get too down on yourself,

you know, cos it goes
to some bad places.

That's all.

You're a decent guy, Van West.

I'm a half-decent plumber too, eh?

More than a half-decent
plumber. (LAUGHS)

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

That's cool.

(SIGHS)

'K. I'd better get back
to the plumbing now.

Sure.

(SIGHS)

Who did that?

Who do you think?

I didn't ask you to do that.
I told you to go.

And I went... to the supermarket.

I just spent $ that I don't
really have on stuff that we don't
really need.

Well, you always need formula.

That is not the point.

Oh, love, you're doing a great job.

Only cos I have to, cos
Loretta's such a bitch.

I know.

I stay positive. I live my
philosophy, even though no
one appreciates it,...

like the Sunset Channel who
cancelled my show, even though I
was married to Milt, even though—

Hold on. What's this?

(EXHALES) They cancelled my show.

Now, why would they do
a dumb thing like that?

They put a Kn*fe in my chest
when my back was turned.

Their loss.

No, it's my loss.

If they don't appreciate talent when
it's standing right in front of 'em,
bugger 'em. They don't deserve yu.

You expect me to believe that?

Another door always opens...

especially for a girl as beautiful
and talented as you are.

You really think so?

I know so.

Daddy.

I've missed you.

You are an inspiration
to this family,

unlike your bloody sister.

I know. She's such a cow.

(CHUCKLES)

SADLY: The fire took my premises
and all of my stock.

Oh really?

Thank you. I really
appreciate your service.

Great. I'll get back to you.

Did you tell them who to
make the cheque out to?

It's my business.

I didn't think you had one.
You can get home, help your sister.

Come on. She loves the whole
saintly martyr routine.

She's looking after
your mother, your kid.

Not my kid.

Jesus, you're a worry, you are.

Oh, and you're head of the UN (?)

When the chips are down, a family
pulls together. That's what makes
a family a family.

And how does that apply to Jethro?

Jethro went for his own good.

Yeah. 'We're a family.' You can
keep singing that song, but do you
think anyone actually believes it?

We are like your least favourite
jersey. You only put it on when
you're feeling a bit cold.

Things a tad nippy in
Wolfgang West world?

You're not too old for a slap.

Oh, that's right. I forgot.
West world isn't quite right,

cos you're not necessarily
a West by birth, are you?

Are you coming home
to help out or not?

I've already told you.

Your final decision?

You're the one feeling the chill.
Warm and toasty where I'm sitting.

Right.

How are we going in here?

Painkillers Wolf bought don't work.
These don't work either.

Well, you will feel much
better after a bed bath.

You're joking.

Well, you don't wanna get whiffy.

Don't you touch me.

We haven't done our stretches.

Let's be very clear. There
will be no more stretches.

If you wanna help, can you
just do some housework?

I've done two loads of washing.

Separate the colours?

Of course, and I vacuumed

and I cleaned out the fridge. You
should have seen the state of it.

What about Jane? Where's she at?

Uh, she's sleeping.

Oh, yeah, this is a bit cold.

Jane?

Grandpa?

Grandpa?

Ooh.

Oh, f*ck.

Oh my God. Where is she?

Who?

Baby Jane. I left her with you.

Last I saw, she was on
the couch with Sparky.

Well, she's not there now.

It was only for minutes.

You left a baby with Sparky?

Better than with me in the dunny.
That rogan josh passed through like
the Marrakesh Express.

I don't believe this.
They're probably downstairs.

There is nobody there. There's
no one here except for Mum.

All right. So we have the small
matter of a missing baby.

Oh my God. The pram is gone.

Well, that's a good start.

How is that a good start?

She couldn't push the pram herself,
so Sparky took her for a walk.

That is not good.

Yelling at me won't bring her back.
We just have to find Sparky.

How?

I know just the fellow.

You want me to find Sparky?

And quick smart, if you don't mind.

Haven't I've been here before?

Well, last time he didn't have
sole charge of a -month-old baby.

Jane? How?

Oh, you didn't.

He did.

You left a baby with Sparky?

It was just for five minutes.

Shh.
Jeez, old man.

Get your hand off it and find him.

Shush. Mum cannot find out about
this — or Dad, but especially Mum.
It might aggravate her condition.

What condition?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Gidday, Cheryl.

Go on. Fill your boots.
Have a good laugh.

(SNORTS) How'd you do it?

You don't wanna know.

Not the old slide 'n' roll?

Yeah. Yeah. Ah!

Whoa!
CRUNCH!

Oh! f*ck. Get off me.
What?

sh*t.

No such luck.
What are you doing here?

Oh, sorting stuff. Ted.

Need anything?

Just something for the pain.
I've tried taking these, but
they've done sweet FA.

These? You'd get more pain
relief from an Oddfellow.

Hm.

Wayne, can I get your help
with that thing now?

Yeah.

Thought you were helping Ted?

You know, I'm a helpful kind of guy.

(CHUCKLES) Ow.

(CHUCKLES)

What are you thinking?

Well, obviously plan A didn't work.
Which is what?

You called Sparky's mobile and
he didn't answer...? Jeez. How
useless are youse?

So glad you're here.

It's ringing.

CELLPHONE RINGS

sh*t.

OK. Plan B. He's got the pram,
so he's probably on foot.

Wow. How do you know that?

Because his car's still here.

So, scope out every fire station,
every petrol station.

Yeah, and what about the park?
What about it?

Well, he's not a complete nutter.

You're right. Let's go.
I'll get my bag.

No, you stay here, you look after
your mum and you man the phones.

Gidday.
Nice day for it.

No time for chit-chat.

Expecting a call?

I'm just keeping things tidy.

You were right about your sister.

What? That's she's evil,
or she's got no heart?

Time she was dealt to,
once and for all.

What are you gonna do?

Final warning; final solution.

But she's not here.

All the better.

You gonna give a hand, or not?

Then we got the plumbing, and
we're getting there with that.

And then... well, the wiring. That
will be sorted, um, as soon as Dad
gets a new electrician, really.

If he can be bothered.

He will.

I dunno. He didn't show all day.
Not even a call.

He's just— he's busy, man.

I didn't even want
that shitty house.

Come on. It's gonna be awesome
when it's finished.

If we survive the renos.

You will.

House sh*t is the most stressful
sh*t in a relationship.

It's right up there with
death and weddings.

You know, um, I nearly
got married once.

Yeah. But then the whole
death thing came up.

Yeah. I heard about that.

Yeah, well, it pretty much
ended the relationship.

So we never got to the marriage,
or the renos, but if we had—

Van, here I am moaning
about my paranoias.

No. You're not paranoid.

(LAUGHS WRYLY) Try smoking
hydroponic weed laced with PCP.

(LAUGHS)

Hey.

You and Dad, you're cool, OK?

And that's why he prefers
hanging out with his ex.

'K, look. The thing about Dad is...

He's real big on loyalty, you know?
Like, being there in a crisis.

So if Mum can't get out of bed...

...he'll be right there.

Yeah.

Yeah, but, n— Yeah, but they used to
have crises all the time. Right?

They'd yell at each other and then
they'd make up, and then they'd r—
(EXHALES SHARPLY)

But they wouldn't be rooting now.
Mum's got a bad back, so she—

Not that having a bad back is even
really a crisis crisis, you know?

And, um, and, hey, you're a
way hotter version of Mum, so
Dad would be... mad to, uh,...

Tide's out. My shout.

Do you really think I'm hot, Van?

Yeah, but not as much as Dad does,
so you should probably call him.

OK. I will. After that
drink — make it a double.

Right.

PHONE RINGS
HURRIEDLY: I'll get it.

Yes?

We're at John Rowles Park,

where a guy fitting Sparky's
description was seen...

Yay.

...singing 'I'm a little fire
engine'. That pretty much seals it.

Yay. And is he there?

A woman approached him and they
left. She wore a BBQ Factory shirt.

Yay.

Pascalle, are you all right?

OK. Bye.

Who was that?

No one.

Do you want another beer?

I just got one.

What the hell?

Hey. You.

Piss off.

What's going on?

You're . You don't wanna
help out, you can ship out.

You are kicking me out?

You need to pull up your socks.
Until then, you don't belong here.

You don't live in this house,
so what's it to you?

Well, I do, and I agree
entirely with Dad.

What happened to the whole
'hating the husband-k*ller'?

There's such a thing as
forgiveness and caring.

You don't care about anyone, even
your daughter — who is missing.

What?

Well, she's not actually missing.
She's with Sparky.

And where the f*ck is Sparky?

We're not entirely sure, but Judd
and Grandpa will find them.

Was that Judd?

We have to think beautiful.
It's hard with Sparky—

Well done, Supernanny (!)

Where are you going?

To put my stuff back.

Like hell you are.

(SIGHS) Jethro, and now me.
You're getting rid of everyone
who disagrees with you.

Listen, you smart-arse. Are
you gonna pull your weight?

Whatever I do, it will not be
because my absentee father tells
me to.

This is about what's right.

Right.

I'd better go and say
goodbye to Mum, then.

Hi.
Hi, love.

I've just come to say goodbye.

Where are you going?
I don't know, but it's OK.

I guess people get kicked
out of home all the time.

Kicked out?

Pascalle's laid down the law.
Well, her and Dad. Dad, mainly.

He doesn't even live here.

I know.

Oh, that bastard.

Never was a truer word spoken.
What do you mean?

Maybe his aggression
has to do with that.

It's hard finding out you're not
who you thought you were — not your
father's son. Not even a real West.

Hold on. What are you saying?
That Wolf's not Ted's son?

Mm. Seems that way.
But don't you worry about it.

You just relax and get better.
The place is in really good hands.

Pascalle's got the house under
control. She's organised childcare
for Jane.

Why?
I guess she thought that
Sparky was a good choice.

Sparky?!
Sparky has disappeared with Jane,
but I'm sure it's only temporary.

Jesus f*cking Christ. Wolf!

Well, I'd better go before
it gets dark. See ya, Mum.

↑ Pascalle! Wolf!
Get the hell in here!

SING-SONG VOICE: See ya.

↑ Wolf!

How could you give Jane to Sparky?

It wasn't a 'giving' thing.

What? He took her?!

Well, no.

Where are you going?

To see how Judd and Grandpa
are getting on.

Tell me you know where Sparky is.
I'm taking care of it.

Like you took care of Loretta?

How dare you waltz in here
and kick my daughter out?

I thought she was 'my' daughter.

Like Jethro's 'my' son? You
getting rid of all my kids?

If anyone needed a wake-up call,
it's her. All I did is was what
you don't have the balls to.

You should have talked to me first.

So you could tell me to piss off?

Just piss off and find Sparky.

On it.

Babe.
Hey, babe. Where are you?

Driving. You?

At the Rusty with Van. We did good
today. The place looks amazing.

Good.

Hey, so here's the plan. You get
some wine, I'll grab a pizza and
we'll celebrate.

Nah, sorry, babe. No can do.
Not right now.

Why not?
Bit of a family crisis.

What sort of crisis?

Uh, not your problem, doll.

I'll be home when I can.
Don't wait up.

OK.

You talk to Dad?
Yeah.

Choice.

You've been a big help today,
Van,... in more ways than one.

Ah. Just how I roll.

Thank you.

Oh!

Hey. You be good to yourself.

What if Sparky's gone bush again?
And naked.

Don't.

There's nothing we can do to help?
No.

PHONE RINGS
Yes?

We tracked Sparky and the
mystery woman to Pak'n Save.

[ What's going on out there?
What?

Last seen at Pak'n Save, buying
formula, nappies and sausages.

Apparently she shops here all the
time. Her name's Kilda Norris.

The lady's Kilda, Mum.

Oh my God. She's k*lled her.
k*lled her?

No, her name is Kilda, thicko.
What?

Not you. You're doing a great job.

[ What is going on out there?
CELLPHONE RINGS

One moment, caller.
Dad?

[ What the hell is happening?

Yeah, what?

Can you shut up? I can't hear.

Checked on Anne-Marie.
Sparky's not at his sister's.

They're not at Anne-Marie's.
Judd knows her name. Kilda Norris.

Kilda Norris? That fruit loop?

You know her?

Friend of Eric's. Used to
hang around the galleria — rub
herself up against the ovens.

Dad knows where she lives.

Oh my God. It's The Amazing Race.

Both of Cheryl's exes on the case.

What the f*ck is happening?

Oh my God. She walks.

Mum, you're healed.

Kilda bloody Norris?
What's happening?

COMPUTER BLEEPS

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Who is this?

What do you want?

That's not my fault.

OK, OK, slow down.

TYRES SQUEAL

Bit behind the eight ball,
aren't you?

They're not here. Apparently
some woman came and took them.

What bloody woman?

Where are they, you fruit loop?

Leave it. They're not here.

He said that some other mystery
woman came and picked them up.

What woman?
Maybe she's lying.
Did they check for bodies?

Kase, not helping.

No! Not helping at all.

But-But who's the woman?

Well, hello, all.
Where is she?

What have you done with her?
Who?

Oh, the—

PEACEFUL CHORAL MUSIC

You're holding her.

...like you know what you're doing.

Put your tongues back
inside your heads.

Sparky called me — he didn't
have a car. That's all.

Oh, come here, sweetheart.

BABY CRIES
(GROANS IN PAIN)

Come to Auntie 'Chel, sweet pea.
It's OK.

Right. Well, I'm off.

What, you're leaving?

Well, I don't live here any more.

You're not going because of Wolf.
This is your home.

Are you saying you want me to stay?

I'm saying I call the sh*ts
around here, no one else.

Hm.

No, thanks. I've actually
made other plans. Bye.

You shoulda called.

Well, I-I tried.
Phone was always engaged.

Ooh, I have to thank you. What you
said about that living thing

was so true.

I like your shirt.

BBQ Factory. It's hot!

(CLEARS THROAT) Um, you, uh,
you got kids?

No.
BABY FARTS

Ooh. Miracle of life, eh? (CHUCKLES)

You have given me a new hope,

a new purpose.

I feel a new... stirring
in my loins.

Time for me to meet a good woman,
settle down, make babies.

Eugh! God, no way am I
having babies with you!

Oh, shame. Good genes.

Eugh!

BABY GURGLES

Ow! Oh, f*ck.

God, I so hate this.

Enjoy. You deserve
to put your feet up.

What, so you can bowl back in here
and wave your d*ck around?

Loretta'll be fine —

soon as she realises food doesn't
miraculously appear on a plate.

You know, you don't actually
run this house any more. I do.

You've made that point.

What's this about you
not being Ted's son?

She said that?
[ Yep.

Oh, it's bullshit.
She's always been a stirrer.

Think it's true?

Don't know.

Oh well. Maybe it's divine justice.

How do you figure that?

Fathers and sons —

they don't exactly have a sacred
bond in this f*ckin' family, do
they?

I can't forgive you for Jethro.

Getting him back is not
something I can organise.

Well, there you go.

CELLPHONE RINGS

What is it?

Uh... Dad, uh, you
gotta come down here.

There's no rush.

No. Um, you gotta
come down here now.

BEEP!

I'm gonna grow old sorting out
everyone else's problems.

♪ Here we are, right back
where we started from

♪ on the lonely road.

You shouldn't have.
Didn't.

♪ Here we are, right back
where we started from.

♪ This time, we know. ♪

You really didn't have
to do all of that.

Gotta have something
nice to look at.

No, no, I mean looking for Sparky.

Yeah, well, Sparky ended up
kinda finding himself.

You still did it, though.

Anything for you.

In fact...

PILLS RATTLE

Oh my God. You are a bloody hero.

Suppose a shag's outta the
question. (CHUCKLES)

Ask me tomorrow.

WATER SLOSHES

OK, so what happened here?

Flood.

Yeah, I can see that. How?

Nothing to do with us, Mr West.

Nothing to do with your shithouse
attempt at plumbing?

We did good plumbing, man. The best.

Hey!

Call that good?
Hey!

f*ckin' muppets!
That was tight as.

It was, hon. I saw them do it.

You left the taps on,
for Christ's sake!

No! We turned it off at the mains.
Yeah, we did.

No, what this is is thousands
of dollars' worth of cock-up,

which you two are going
to pay to set right.

We didn't do this!

Somebody did!

Hey, let's not get
carried away here.

This wasn't our fault, all right?

We did a good job — the
best job we've ever done.

Where do you think you're going?
Outta here, away from you.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Well, good. f*ck off, then!

Don't tell me to f*ck off! I'll f*ck
off on my own! Come on, Munter.

And you can stick your stupid
house up your big fat arse.

Useless stoner f*ckin' mongrels!

You shouldn't blame them, babe.
It was just one of those things.

Hey, how's Sheryl and the family?

Oh, who gives a sh*t?

This, this is a f*ckin' crisis.

No, it's just a setback.

At least we've still
got each other, huh?