01x13 - Shock Jock

[bunniefuu]

You
want to know what tees me off?

I mean besides Mexican food,
flatulence, and small breasts

on fat women.

And no.

I'm not going to complain about
earth mothers who don't shave

their legs and walk
around in bikinis

with their Belgian
waffle thighs.

And it's not the years
of waste and corruption

that's led us into our
present economic sewer.

And it's not the fat
cats that robbed us blind

and got rich that we're now
bailing out with billions

of our hard-earned tax dollars.

It's not even them that
make me want to puke.

It's us.
Yeah.

That's right.

Yeah.

I blame you.

I also blame myself,
just not as much.

I mean, when was the last time
you got off your fat backside

and really complained
about something?

I mean when did you call
or write a congressman?

See.

That's what they count on.

That we're content to sit at
home watching the stupid tube,

sucking down pork rinds and
beers while it's all happening.

Am I getting through to you?

Well, then stop
picking your noses

and do something,
make some noise.

Tick them off.

Do to them before
they do to you.

When marconi invented the radio,

his intentions were
noble, utilitarian, pure.

He never foresaw big bands,
or Bob hope, or rock and roll.

And he certainly never, even at
his most clairvoyant moments,

ever suspected anything
like shock radio, a voyeur's

delight, an exhibitionist
paradise where faceless

strangers tell intimate
details, expose hidden fears

before an audience of thousands.

Disembodied souls and
disembodied voices

searching to make contact,
to touch without touching.

A voice in the night.

I came home about noon.

The place was so quiet,
so cold and empty.

And...

And then that's when
you called the police?

Her eyes were open.

They were staring
at me as if she

was hoping I could help her.

And there was so much blood.

We could do this later.

No.

Thank you, but i...

I need to work through it.

Can you think of
anyone who would

have wanted to k*ll Carol?

No.

Anyone she had had
a fight with recently,

any longstanding enemies?

No.

Are you kidding?

Carol?

Everybody loved her.

She was... she was the best.

- It's funny.
- What?

I uh... I work in radio.

Yeah, I know.

And in a few days,
I'm going national.

We had worked for
that for years.

We were going to get married.

We were gonna have it all.

And now...

I'm sorry.

- Sergeant Lorenzo.
- Ok.

What do we got?

Can you excuse me
for just a minute?

Yeah.

Sure.

Hey, Rita.

What do we got?

Well, the victim's
name was Carol Wells.

She was Caucasian, age .

The perp entered.

He greeted her with
two in the heart.

- Anything taken.
- No.

Just her life.

We got some uniforms
checking out the area.

Who's he?

It's Jack fellman.

- The radio host?
- Yeah.

In the flesh.

What's his story?

Well, he's the
one that found her.

The lady was his live-in love.

- He got an alibi?
- Yeah.

He was on the air.

He does his show live.

Why do I get a feeling
that you're not a fan?

The man's a pig.

He shouldn't be allowed on air.

So now you're doing away
with the first amendment?

He got a mouth like a
sewer and a heart to match.

I wouldn't put
anything past him.

Oh, I get it.

So free speech only
for things that Chris

Lorenzo wants to hear.

When I was in vice
a couple of years ago,

there was this prost*tute
named charlene who'd

been badly beaten and r*ped.

She took
stitches in the face

from some guy with a can opener.

And fellman, that son of a
bitch, he found out about it.

And he called her
in the hospital,

and he put her on the air.

He tore her apart.

He made her feel like she
was this small, like...

Like the whole thing
had been her fault.

And he kept asking
her if she'd had

an orgasm while she
was being beaten,

while her face was being sliced.

That man will do or say
anything for ratings.

Well, at the time of the m*rder,

he was broadcasting his
show to thousands of people.

So unless he has an
evil clone, I recommend

that we look elsewhere.

I still don't like him.

Tell you what.
I'll stay on fellman.

Ok.
- Ok.

That's good.

That'll give me a chance
to go and see Melissa.

She and Jack worked
at the same station,

so I'll ask her questions
about his girlfriend.

Ah.

Ah?

What are you smiling at?
- You.

You don't need an excuse.

If you want to go see
her, you go see her.

I know I don't need an excuse.
What?

What am I years old?

No.

It's more like .

Oh.

So that would be post pubescent.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Mhm.

Oh.

Just remember.

We only go around once.

It's not your mother
or your husband

that you have to make happy.

It's you.

Now, I know that you've
heard this before,

but this is the first day
of the rest of your life.

Use it well.

See you tomorrow.

You're clear, Melissa.

This wocs, am and fm.

The radio of the 's.

Leader li peng
attempting to avoid another

feud between Beijing
and Moscow says that he

believes Boris
yeltsin still adheres

socialism despite political...

Hey.

Come here.

Oh, it's nice to see you.

Let me look at you.

You look great.

Thanks.

What are you doing here?

Working, you know.

Hey, how well do you
know Jack fellman?

Mr. Nice guy?

Well enough.
Why?

Well, somebody broke into
his house early this morning

and k*lled his girlfriend.

Carol?

Perestroika.

Li's response could
well reopen debate.

Who?

How?

I don't know who, but it
was a handgun close range.

Ah.

This is awful.

Where was Jack?

He was on the air.

- You listen to his show?
- No.

Hell no.

Not a chance.

I don't know why people do.

Because he shocks them.

He tantalizes people.

He's abusive and rude,
but he's very relevant.

He's something to
wipe off your shoe.

Ooh.

You really don't like him.

And values.

And a little closer to home.

Don't get me started.

Executive director of a palm

beach based research group...

That's me.

Uh.

No.

It's me.

It is you.

Just like old times.

Yeah.

I have to take this call.

Right.

Can apply for coverage.

I'll call you.
Ok.

Yeah.

Call me in the morning.

The problem is

we coddle the damn criminals.

It's not like we don't
know who they are.

So why don't you tell me then?

Well,
they're not real Americans,

and that's for damn sure.
- No.

No.

What you mean is
that they're not

the white bread,
uneducated, r*cist, bigoted,

impotent fascist, like you are.

You're probably one of these
people that has to stick

a sock in his bathing suit.

Listen, people.

I appreciate the
sympathy here, but let's

not forget the bill of rights.

Ok.
Listen.

I got to take a commercial
break right now,

but don't you go anywhere.

And remember, we go
national in three days.

Clear.

The fashion place,
the one-stop shop for men.

You said to meet
you at o'clock.

No.

It's all right.

I figured you'd get a kick out
of seeing it all happen here.

Well, actually, I did
have a few more questions

that I wanted to ask you.

Hey, to you I am an open book.

Nice line.

Maybe, but it's still the truth.

It's just the way I am.

Even as a kid, my least
favorite game was hide and seek.

Really?
And what was your favorite?

I'll show you mine
if you show me yours.

Sorry.

Sometimes, I forget I'm not
talking to the fans here.

It's an occupational hazard.

Jack, we're back in...

Why don't we do this
when you're finished?

Five, four...

Yeah, good idea.

Commercial's over anyway.

Back to the mines.

All right.

This is Jack, and I'm back.

Who's this?

Hi, Jack.

It's Helen.

I want you.

Not today, Helen.

I got a headache.

All right.

She's dead, isn't she?

If you mean Carol, yes, she is.

Mm.

I'm glad.

What was that?

She couldn't make you happy.

I can.

This is not funny.

I love you, Jack.

Look, Helen.

You call a couple
of times a week.

We do a little phone
sex thing on the air.

We have a few laughs.

Come to me.

I need you.

Look.

You are one sick puppy, Helen.

I am in mourning.

Do you know what that means?

It means
we can finally be together.

I can not get into this, babe.

Not even for the ratings.

Now, see a shrink, Helen.

You need it.

Well, uh, I'm going to go
puke for a few minutes, folks.

Why don't you check out
these tunes for a while?

And I'll be back.

Ok.

You're clear.

Can you believe her?

How long has she
been calling you?

I don't know.

Two, maybe three months.

You uh... you have any
idea where she lives?

Mm-mm.

Why don't you ask Billy,
my engineer, he might know.

You don't think that
she might have...

We'll check her out.

Thanks for your time.

Sure.

So how long have you

and your partner been
having this problem?

About five months.

Jack fellman: You ever

thought about using
a sexual aid, sensual

toys, kitchen appliances?

How about...
- Oh, Jack.

Maybe a weed whacker.

Female caller: The only thing

he wants to do is tie me up.

Before or after he

puts the bag over your head?

My name's Robert.

Who's Jack?

Get out.

What?

Get out.

What did I do?

If you don't leave,
I'm calling the police.

Why?

Get out.

All right.

I'm leaving.

So how was
it seeing Melissa again?

Did the coals of
romance still burn?

Give me a break, Sam.

She and Jack fellman
work at the same station.

It was strictly business.

Mhm.

Try and keep it that way as
long as I'm in the room, Sam.

Yeah.

Helen used to call
me from time to time

when I was working in
the graveyard shift.

Ugh.

She was a sad, lonely woman.

Obviously delusional, but
I don't think that she was

capable of anything like this.

Based on what?

Past history.

I mean Jack's not the
only radio personality

she's ever had a thing for.

Before him it was Danny
the late night guy.

And when she used
to call me, she'd

swear that she was my sister.

Hello.

I got Helen on four.

It's Jack.

Helen's on line four.

Tell him we're on our way.

Tell him to keep her talking.

I'll run the trace.

Hold her.

Jack fellman: All right.

Now can you repeat
what you just said?

I said I did it for you, Jack.

I've proved my love.

What did you do for me, Helen?

I told you.

Tell me again.

I k*lled her.

Who'd you k*ll?

You know.

Who did you k*ll, Helen?

I k*lled Carol, Jack.

Now, can we be together?

Miss McCabe?

Sounds like someone's here.

Yeah.

Miss McCabe?

Miss McCabe.

Yes.
I'm sergeant Lorenzo.

This is my partner,
sergeant Lance.

You are Helen McCabe?

That's right.

Is there something
I can help you with?

Yes.

Jack sent us.

He wants you to come with us.

This is a joke, right?

No.

No.

Jack said you called
him about Carol.

What do you know about Carol?

Maybe you should call
your attorney, miss McCabe.

I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to him.

Did you call Jack fellman
about Carol's death?

Why didn't he come himself?

Why don't we take you to him?

I said I wasn't talking to you.

What did he say?

Does he really want to see me?

Yeah.

Absolutely.

But you know, Jack
is a busy man.

He doesn't have
time for everybody.

I know, his fans.

They make things so difficult.
I read all the papers.

I just want us to be together.

Is that why you
k*lled her for Jack?

It was the only way.

You have the right
to remain silent.

You really are with the police.

I thought there'd
be TV reporters.

There will be.

They'll meet us downtown.

- With Jack?
- Yeah.

With Jack.

Come on, miss McCabe.

So where is Jack?

Where'd you hide the g*n?

With my lipstick.

I never remember
where I put anything.

What kind of g*n was it?

I love your shoes.

Excuse me.

I think I'd like
them better in red.

Nice shoes, nice legs.

No wonder he likes you.

You're very well put together.

Just answer the question.

I was only trying to be nice.

You want to be nice,
just tell us the truth.

When can I go home?

I don't like it here.

Why did you k*ll her?

She deserved to die.

Everybody knew that.

How did you do it?

I've been thinking about
getting my breasts done.

Would you like it
if they were larger?

Enough.

Did you k*ll Carol Wells?

I don't have to
tell you anything.

Answer the question.

I can't.

Why?

Because it'll spoil everything.

What?

What will it spoil?
- You know.

No.
We don't.

Why don't you tell us?

Jack won't...

Jack won't love me anymore.

Because you didn't
really k*ll her, did you?

Leave me alone.

Did you k*ll Carol Wells?

You did k*ll her?

No.

No?

No.

But don't tell him.

Please.

Don't tell, Jack.

What kind of question is
you didn't k*ll her, did you?

Well, she didn't.

Come on, Sam.
You know, what is this?

Is this some kind
of woman's thing?

How do you know?

Because the woman is
emotionally disturbed.

So what?

Since when do only sane
people commit murders?

Lorenzo.

Uh-huh.

Ok.

Barbara Dunham, Rockwell place.

Thanks.

Seems a friend of the
departed called in,

has a few things
she'd like to tell us.

Good.
Good.

Listen.
Why don't you take that?

I'm going to go see if I can set
up an appointment with fellman

later on today.
- Ok.

Call me.

I'll call you.

Uh, I'm sergeant Lorenzo.

Can I get you
something, detective?

Some melons perhaps?

What?

Fruit.

No.

Maybe you'd like to
hand Cindy her robe.

Cindy, we'll break
for minutes.

And then I'll need
your assistance

for another couple of hours.

Thanks a lot.

Nice studio.

Thank you.

I understand you and Carol
Wells were good friends.

That's right.

Terrible thing.

We were good buds
for a lot of years.

Had a lot of great
times before she hitched

up with that arrogant toad.

Another Jack fellman fan.

I told her from the
start he was no good.

Three weeks after they
moved in together,

the guy tried to
get in my pants.

You tell her about it?

She just laughed and said
he was just fooling around.

Believe me I know the
difference between fooling

around and fooling around.

She finally caught him
in bed with somebody

else a couple of weeks ago.

Said he couldn't help himself.

He liked sleeping
with strangers.

She was destroyed.

She cried and screamed.

Jack said he wanted
her out of his life.

Nice guy.

Real prince.

Seven years she wasted on him.

He was nothing when
they first met.

She went to Henry marston.

Henry marston the
palimony attorney?

She was going to get half
of everything they had,

plus a part of the
new network deal.

Too bad that crazy
lady k*lled her.

Would have cost Jack a fortune.

You've been a big help.

Thanks.

And that's a nice piece of work.

It's a little Fuller,
but it's nice.

So were you and Carol happy?

Of course we were happy.

We loved each other.

I mean, sure, Carol
and I had our problems.

But, you know, we
were working on them.

So what kind of problems?

Nothing major.

I mean, maybe I
wasn't always the most

attentive guy in the world.

Maybe I was just too
wrapped up in my business

and my needs, or my job.

She wanted to do therapy.

I knew I should have, but...

But what?

I was afraid.

See, my mind is my act.

I can't have somebody
messing with that.

It's pretty stupid, huh?

Did you know that
Carol was seeing

a lawyer about a palimony suit?

No.

My Carol?

You weren't planning
on leaving her.

No.

Who told you that?

Barbara Dunham.

Oh, well, I should have known.

She's lying.
- Jack.

No.

The woman came on
to me years ago,

and I told her to get lost.

We checked it out
with the lawyer.

I don't believe it.

I loved her more than my life.

Ok.

What the hell is
going on here anyway?

You have your k*ller.
- Yeah.

Well, we don't have
much to hold her on.

What are you talking about?

You heard her confess.

She recanted her confession.

Oh, so now you come
sniffing around me, huh?

What did I do?
I mean what did I do?

I rattle some big
shot's cage somewhere.

Oh, Jack's got too big a mouth.

We can't let him go national.

sh**t.

He might let people know
what's really going on.

Might let them know that
we're robbing them blind.

You don't really
believe that, do you?

The hell I don't.

In the future, you
want to talk to me

you do it through my lawyer.

Hi, Jack.

Oh.

I didn't want you
to see me like this.

But I knew you'd come.

I just knew you would.

You said it was important.

Do I look beautiful, Jack?

Absolutely.

Why did you call me and ask me
to come down here today, Helen?

Everyone thinks i'm
lying about us, Jack.

I told them you couldn't talk
about us, because of her.

But she's dead now.

So you can tell them.

Tell them what?

Don't tease me, Jack.

I want the whole world to
know that we're lovers.

Is that why you k*lled Carol?

Because you thought I'd want
to be with you if she was gone?

Of course, but you know that.

I want you to talk about
us on your show, Jack.

I did my part.

You k*lled Carol.

Yes.

Why do you keep saying that?

The police told me you
said you didn't do it.

I told them not to tell...

I k*lled her.

I k*lled her!

I k*lled her!

There, is that good
enough for you?

Now, you can tell them.

Tell them all that we're lovers.

They'll have to
believe me, Jack.

Tell them you love me.

Love you?

You vile, murdering bitch.

Everything about you
makes me want to gag.

No.

No, don't.

Don't.

You disgust me.

Don't say that.

I don't.

I'm... I'm beautiful.

Every man wants me.

When you get out
of prison, you're

gonna be so old
and fat and ugly,

that my dog wouldn't
even want you.

No.

No.

No.

No!

You're lying.

You love me, Jack.

You love me, Jack.

Ok, let's go.

You're lying.

Jack.

Jack.

I talked to Melissa.

She's going to take
Helen on as a patient.

Oh.

So why the sudden
change of heart?

Well, you know, i...

I got to thinking about
what you said, Sam.

You know about knowing
women like her.

And in high school
there was... there

was this girl named Norma.

See, every guy on the football
team would have had her.

I mean she wasn't even human.

She was like this thing.

And we all called
her Norma the nympho.

But see, that wasn't it.

She was just lonely, you know.

She wanted people to like her.

Man.

She wanted me to like her.

Ah.

There may be hope
for you yet, Lorenzo.

- Think so?
- Yeah.

Hey, Donovan.

I'm busy.

What is it?

We want you to cut Helen loose.

We don't have anything on her.

What?

I mean you talk to the woman.

She needs help.

So do a lot of people
who commit m*rder.

Look, George.
We got to release her.

All right.

We put her picture
up all over town.

Nobody identified her.

We don't have a m*rder w*apon.

Plus, all we have
is a confession

that she gave
before we Miranda'd

her, which she later recanted.

All right.

Let her walk.

Just make sure she
doesn't go anywhere.

I can just see
the headlines now.

"Da releases
confessed m*rder*r."

Donovan.

He said yes.

Come on.

You think she'll see Melissa?

I don't know.

If underneath all
those layers of denial,

insecurity, and guilt she wants
to get better, then she will.

If not... she... oh god.

Guard!

We were the only ones.

You know, Rita.

She's going to feel
guilty about this.

She... she must have gotten
caught up at the courthouse.

I guess Helen didn't
have many friends.

Try any friends.

Not one friend came to see her.

I want to know how
somebody gets like that.

Baby steps.

One step at a time.

See the first few
steps you take you

feel like you're hardly moving.

And then one day you
discover that you've

gotten so far away
from where you started

that you just can't get back.

And so lost you
take your own life.

Well, that's the
part that doesn't fit.

Well, it doesn't make sense.

What?

People like Helen
don't commit su1c1de?

People like Helen are looking
for attention and affection.

They don't want to
k*ll themselves.

They just want to make
you think that they might.

But the fact is she did.

Yeah.

But the question is why.

Maybe she was hoping
someone would rescue her.

Listen.

I got to be back at
the station by :.

Can I drop you somewhere?

Yeah.

A cop shop would be good.

All I have to say, my friends,

is ding dong the witch is dead.

And no thanks to
the palm beach pd,

and the daring duo of Chris
Lorenzo and Rita Lee Lance.

I mean you talk
about your boobs.

These two couldn't grab their
behinds with both hands.

Leave it on.

I mean could you believe

they wanted to let her go?

And do you know why?

Because after a day in the
slammer, she changed her mind

and said she didn't do it.

Well, surprise, surprise.

Well, I went down and saw
her the day of her demise

and taped a little bit
of our conversation.

And I just want to
play it for you.

You k*lled Carol?

Yes.

Why do you keep saying that?

Jack fellman: The police told

me you said you didn't do it.

- I
- told them not to tell...

I k*lled her.

I k*lled her!

I k*lled her!
There.

Is that good enough for you?

It's good enough for me.

I'll bet it's good enough for
every person on this planet,

except two dunce cops.

Are you listening,
Chris and Rita?

This one's for you.

This one's over, guys.

The k*ller not only confessed,
she ex*cuted herself.

Let's move on.

I heard fellman on
the radio today.

He's k*lling us.

Correction.

He k*lled Helen just as sure
as he k*lled Carol Wells.

He got into that jail
cell, got into her head,

and started pushing her buttons.

Caused her so much pain,
she had to k*ll herself.

I know what he did.

But he didn't break any laws.

You have no other evidence.

No suspects.

And this is a high profile
case during an election year,

and the da wants to
save his overfed butt.

I see him in five minutes.

I'll tell him you said so.

Right now, I want
you out of my face.

He's not walking away from this.

No.
What do you call it?

If he walked any
faster, it'd be a trot.

No.

Not Donovan.

I'm talking about Jack fellman.

I know the guy has been
lying through his teeth.

But he was on the radio.

Yeah.

Maybe he hired somebody.

No.

If it was a pro, it would be one
shot behind the ear with a ..

No.
This was too sloppy.

I mean it's got to
be someone else.

Listen.

Why don't you go
home, get a lie,

get some sleep, and we'll
see if we can figure

something out in the morning.

Ok?

Thousands of people heard
him on the radio, Sam.

Only one person saw him.

The engineer, Billy.

I already talked to him, Chris.

I'll go and talk to him again.

You know the only thing

stupider than a cop?

Two of them.

I mean they're too dumb
to make decent money,

so they take it out
on the rest of us.

Today's show?

Yeah.

Jack gets a little
salty sometimes.

What can I do for you?

You work for Jack a long time?

Yeah.

More than years.

I started on a ,
watt-er up in Tulsa.

You save all of his shows?

Well, I make compilations
of the best stuff.

We bank it, use it as
filler sometimes when Jack

doesn't want to take calls.

So listen.

What did you want?

You and Jack are
going national, huh?

That's a big move.

He taking you
along for the ride?

Yeah.
He's taking me with him.

It's always been me and Jack.

We're a team.

Accessory to m*rder is a
long drop down a dark hole.

You ready to make
that ride with him?

Look.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Jack didn't do anything.

You know what Jack did.

So do I. You might want to think
about changing teams, Billy.

- Hello.
- Hey, Sam.

It's me.

You in bed?

Yeah.

Where most sane people are
at : in the morning.

Yeah.

If we were sane, we
wouldn't be cops, right?

Listen.

I've been up all night, trying
to figure this puzzle out,

and I'm still coming up
a couple of pieces short.

Oh,
you're short a bunch of pieces.

Now, what the hell
are you talking about?

And why do we have
to talk about it now?

Well, I'll tell you about it
when I see you, which should be

as soon as you can get
your little buns in gear

and over to the radio station.

This game is going
into overtime.

My little buns are nice and
toasty right where they are.

You better have a damn
good reason for dragging me

out into the cold, gray dawn.

I do.

Trust me.

Well, I have to.

You're my partner.

It's a big
fat wet one for you, Sam.

What's the time, Sam?

minutes.

- You've got to be kidding me.
- No.

minutes.

Damn.

Maybe if I drove
faster I could get it.

No.
It's a little after dawn now.

I mean at : the rush
hour traffic would be worse.

Plus, we didn't allow
enough time for him

to get to the broadcast booth.

He did it.

I'm telling you.

Jack did it.

He and his engineer Billy
are holding hands on this.

All right.

He wasn't broadcasting
live that morning.

It was a tape that
Billy put together.

And while it was playing, he
went back to his apartment.

He k*lled Carol, and
he made it back here.

He somehow made it back here
in time to get on for the news.

But he did the
news live at o'clock.

He took his last live
call minutes earlier.

We gave him minutes.

It's not enough time.

Did I scare you,
detective Lorenzo?

I'm so sorry.

Hey.

What do beauty and the
beast want from me today?

Oh.

How about a confession?

You know if you guys
don't make it as detectives,

you can always be comedians.

You're not going to
get away with this.

You sound like a bad movie.

Hey, you know I got an idea.

Tomorrow, when I
go national, I want

to institute the bozo
of the day award,

and I'm going to give it to
the biggest fool I can find.

And I'm going to call
it "the Lorenzo."

It's got a nice ring
to it, don't you think?

Come on.
Let's go.

No matter how long it takes
me, I'm going to nail you.

What?

Are you threatening
me, detective?

- Damn right I am.
- No, he's not.

You harass my engineer.

You show up here now.
What is this?

Your personal vendetta?

Or are you doing
it under orders?

You k*ll her.

You know it, and I know it.

All I know is that you are
a corrupt, incompetent boob.

And you know, I hear you're
quite a ladies' man, detective.

Look.

Just shut up, Jack,
for your own good.

Come on, Chris.
Let's go.

You know, Helen...

Helen was a little crazy, but
she sure had some good body,

didn't she?

Did you do her, Lorenzo?

Huh?

I'll bet you do this little
piece a couple of times a week,

huh?

Does he satisfy you, baby?

Does he make you scream and
call out his name over and over?

What does she like best, huh?

I'll bet...

I am going to nail you.

I don't care how long it takes.

I'm going to nail you.

He is not worth it.

You're a cop.

You just bought yourself
a brutality suit, cop.

Have a nice day.

What are you so ticked about?
Come on, Rita.

I did it for you.
He was insulting your honor.

Since when do I need you
to fight my battles for me?

If I thought he needed shoving,
I would have shoved him.

Fellman's gonna sue us.

This is just great.

Would you?

Would I what?

You know, scream
and call my name over

and over again if we did it?

Lovely.

You two guys have
done yourselves proud.

I just got a call from the city
attorney, who just had a call

from Jack fellman's attorney.

Did you really shove
him against a car?

Guilty.

Officially, I am shocked
and outraged by your behavior.

Unofficially, I
wish you would've

kicked him right in the zipper.

Thanks, George.

But you missed your shot.

He's getting a restraining
order against you.

It should be coming down
in a couple of minutes.

You better get your
statements rehearsed.

There's going to
be an investigation

into your conduct.

And let me remind you, since
you seem to have forgotten,

this case is closed.

Like hell it is.

Chris, all that Jack is
asking for is a public apology,

and he'll drop the lawsuit.

I don't care.

I'm not going to do it.

That son of a bitch.

The only reason he wants me
to apologize on the radio

is so that he can
make a fool out of me

in front of a national audience.

What choice do you have?

I don't know.

But I'll be damned if I'm gonna
let him use me to get ratings.

He's not going to
let this go, Chris.

Neither am I.
There's got to be something.

There's got to be something.

Melissa, is there anything
you haven't told me about him?

No.

When was the last time you
saw him before the m*rder?

- I
- guess a day earlier.

And what happened then?

Nothing.

We just said hello, and we
passed each other in the hall.

What about before that?

Two days earlier.

What happened then?

Um.

It was raining, and he
asked me for a ride home.

Why did he do that?

Because he rode his
motorcycle to work.

He didn't want to get wet.

You said motorcycle?

Yeah.

Chris, motorcycle.

What?

What?

What is it?

Thank you, Melissa.

Mwah.

Well, if it isn't
palm beach's finest.

Let me guess now.

You're either disobeying a
court order, in which case

your behinds are going
to end up in a cell.

Or you've come here to grovel.

Either way, it's going
to be a great day.

We'll just have to
wait and see, Jack.

Ah, suspense.

I love it.

You guys k*ll me.
- No.

We haven't yet, Jack.

But we sure would like to.

A bold attempt at humor
in the face of humiliation.

I like that.

Well, if you excuse me, I
have a national show to do.

Oh, just tell my engineer
when you're ready to go on.

I'll try to be gentle.

We'll see, Jack.

We'll see.

You ready, Sam?

Mhm.

Hello, america.

This is Jack fellman,
broadcasting in markets

and states.

If you don't love
me yet, don't worry.

You will.

Today, we have a very
special show for you

with some very special
surprise guests.

And the big hand's on
the four, and you're

listening to Jack fellman.
- Go.

Champion of america's a

and o, the aurally deprived
and the orally depraved.

I eat bigots for breakfast,
lunatics for lunch,

and deviants for dinner.

I am an equal
opportunity offender.

And for those of you just tuning
in, where the hell you been?

You want to ride
with Jack fellman?

Show up on time.

At least, you won't miss the
best time I'll have all week.

And possibly for
the rest of my life.

In a few short moments
two palm beach cops

are going to publicly
kiss my rosy red cheeks,

so I don't sue theirs off.

So stay tuned.

Wouldn't want to miss
the fun now, would you?

You want to talk me.

Hey, pick up the phone.

Bang, bang.

You're dead.

You know, I've been thinking.

I've got some suggestions for
those fat heads on capitol hill

that are being paid
by us taxpayers

and doing absolutely
zilch to resolve

our country's budgetary woes.

Folks, you know there's a vast
source of untapped revenue

out there, and it's called...

You know what it's called.

The world's oldest profession.

And hey, it's not being taxed.

I say decriminalize it.
- Time?

Well, they've taxed
everything else.

Why not legalize prostitution
and tax the hell out of it?

That way every time
little homer gets a piece,

he's also doing his bit to
reduce the national debt.

You're despicable and obscene.

Yeah.
But you still listen, don't you?

This is my first and last time.

Want to bet?
Ok.

Ok.
Listen, listen.

Before you go, would you
do one more thing for me?

Female caller: What's that?

Would you come
down to the studio

and let me see you naked.

Female caller: You're a p...

Well, folks.

Remember that special
treat I told you about?

It's time.

This is for everybody who's
ever been hassled by a cop.

Right here in our
studio we have those two

detectives I was talking about.

Have a seat, guys.

Say hello.

Come on.

Don't be shy.

Hello.

Now, that was the beautiful,

but otherwise hitleresque female
part of the dynamic duo, Rita

Lee Lance.

Hello.

And that is the
abusive neanderthal I spoke of.

The guy can't chew gum and
walk a beat at the same time,

but because he carries a g*n and
because he hides behind a badge

thinks he can as*ault
anybody at any time.

You know the type.

They're all in the news, and
this guy's one of the worst.

Well, fella, as they say, these
times, they are a-changing.

And I believe it's the
end of an era of abuse.

For no one, Mr. Detective,
is above the law.

Wouldn't you agree with
that, detective Lorenzo?

I would.

Yes.

Now, I believe you have
something to say to me.

Yeah.

I do.

You're under arrest for
the m*rder of Carol Wells.

Don't kid a kidder, detective.

I'll take that apology now.

Oh, I don't think so, Jack.

See these guys will never learn.

It's all part of harassment.

See.

They want to keep the
truth off the radio.

They know I couldn't have
k*lled anybody, because I

was broadcasting at the time.

Your voice was on the
air, but you weren't.

You were back at your
apartment k*lling Carol Wells,

while your engineer
played a half

an hour of Jack's
best to fill the gap.

Fascinating theory.

But you know one problem
with it would seem obvious,

even to a couple of dim
bulbs like you and Rita.

You can't get from the studio
to my house in half an hour.

Now, you tried it.

How long did it take you?

minutes.

minutes.

Well, don't look
now, Mr. Genius.

But it would seem your theory
has a major hole in it.

A hole big enough to
drive a motorcycle through.

Oh, Jack, ole buddy.

Do you by chance
own a motorcycle?

- I...
- Ooh.

I'll take that for a yes.

Now, Chris, um, how long
did it take you this morning

to drive through
traffic to Jack's house

and back on a motorcycle?

That'd be minutes.

minutes.

What's the matter, Jack?

You look a little pale.

You can't prove any of this.

Wrong, Jack.

You had motive.

Carol was going to sue you
for half of everything.

We already discussed
opportunity.

But guess what?

The janitor here, he's going to
testify that he saw you riding

your motorcycle out
of the radio station,

oh, around : the
morning of the m*rder.

Yeah.

And I suppose this was the
helmet I was wearing, huh.

The one that covers my face
completely with a tinted visor,

because that's all
the janitor saw.

A man on a motorcycle
with a helmet, because I

was here broadcasting.

You ask my engineer.

As a matter of fact, Jack,
I think that's what those two

officers are doing right now.

Now which category would
you like to take, Chris?

I'll take full
confessions for .

Party's over, Jack.

Curtain's coming down.

Fat lady is starting to sing.

Say goodbye, Jack.

Fellman's being held
over for trial, m*rder one.

Mm.

You know what seems so strange?

What?

Someone like fellman, he
puts himself up on a pedestal.

He passes judgment.

Everybody listens.
- Yeah.

Champion of free speech.

What a joke.

Right.

You know what really scares me?

Hm?

You know how they
always say that radio

waves get beamed out into
space, and they just keep going?

Psssh.

Well, I keep thinking that
maybe on some far distant star

there's this little green man
with a head like a plumber's

helper that's tuning
into Jack fellman

and thinking that he's speaking
for the whole human race.

You are one
disturbed human being.

Yeah.
You're damn right I am.

I mean, what if he believes him?

You know what?

Don't you ever, for
the rest of your life,

stick a donut in my face again.

What?

You didn't like that?

No.

Would you like
some pizza instead?