01x10 - Career Day

[bunniefuu]

[crash!]

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm gonna be a doctor!

I'll be a veterinarian.

I wanna be a fireman!

And I will be...

Lord of all humans!

I'm going to be a professional
paranormal investigator,

so that I can expose...

Hey, I wasn't finished.

When I grow up, I'm
gonna be a astronaut.

When I was your age,

I wanted to be an
astronaut, too, Melvin.

And then my ship imploded

in the vacuum of space.

The lesson here is that dreams
inevitably lead to hideous implosions.

That's why the school
has instituted this test.

From these questions, we will
determine your future careers.

Then you will be
partnered with an adult

who works in your field.

You will spend
the rest of the day

observing them and getting
used to your wretched fates.

Write what you think
each blotch looks like

on the line next to it.

Answer each one carefully.

Your future depends on it.

What does identifying blotches

have to do with determining
our future careers?

Oh, you poor, doomed child.

[thinking] Human sl*ve.

Human sl*ve.

Ghost.

Bigfoot.

Time's up. Pass
your papers forward!

Uh... uh...

The machine will
now decide your fate.

Brian, you're going
to be a fireman.

But I wanted to be a doctor.

Quiet! The machine has spoken!

Sarah, you are going
to be an astronaut.

Waaaaahhh!

Spoon, you will
be a veterinarian.

But I'm allergic to animals.

Dib, you will be a...

Paranormal investigator.

Yes!

Zim, the machine says that the
only career you are suitable for is...

Yes, yes, Lord of Humans!

I will rule you all
with an iron fist!

No, Zim.

The machine has assigned you
a career in fast food preparation.

I will prepare food
with my iron fist.

Then I will work my way up
to ruling you all with my fist!

You, obey the fist.

[growls]

Now, children,
find your partner.

[meow!]

What's the matter
with your neck, Zim?

Some kind of alien spore?

Of course not.

Where can I find Zim?

I am Zim. Take me to the meat.

Oh, you're not ready
for meat preparation yet.

We start with the french fries.

When we get promoted,
we work with meat.

Looks like I'll be
getting teamed up

with a respected
paranormal investigator, Zim.

He's sure to see through
your pitiful disguise.

And then we'll take you
back to his secret lab

and then we'll perform
all kinds of tests on you --

horrible tests!

See ya.

Let's talk more about
these -- promotions.

Not now. My break's almost over.

Aaahhh!

Psst, your name Dib?

Yes.

Call me Bill.

I've got something to show you.

There's an actual alien
in my class and I have...

Slow down, little man.

Today, you're going to
see things that are going to

change the way
you look at the world.

Keep your eyes and your mind...

open.

It's pretty open.

I just wanna...

No more talking.

Let's roll.

billion?!

That is more than
the entire population.

And they all serve MacMeatie?

If I rule MacMeatie's,

I rule the world.

You wanna be very careful
not to touch any of the grease

'cause it's kind of hot.

And then, you add
the meat seasoning.

Fascinating!

And once I have
mastered the french fries,

what is the next promotion?

After fries, you
get to work the grill.

And then, how many
promotions until I am made

ruler of the planet?

About .

The corporations are behind
a lot of the conspiracies,

but the government, they're
just one big conspiracy led by...

What are these?

Oh, case files. I
brought them along

to show you the difference
between the serious paranormal

and the frauds.

The top bundle
are the real ones.

The bottom ones
are all complete bunk.

Frankenchokey.

They're filed wrong.

You've got Bigfoot and
dinosaurs in with the fake stuff.

You think those things are real?

That's exactly what
they want you to believe.

That's what who
wants me to believe?

What's this?

The Galactic Equinox Theory.

At o'clock tonight,

the galaxies are going
to be perfectly lined up.

My colleagues believe
that this will cause

all the aliens that are
living off their own planet

to go through a hideous
molt for a few seconds.

Don't read that garbage.

That rash on Zim's neck!

We've got to get to MacMeatie's!

I know where there's an alien

and he's going through
the molt right now!

It's our chance to
prove that there's--

Shh! We're here.

A crop circle?

Beautiful, isn't it?

It's a message from creatures

much more intelligent than us.

Space beings who have
traveled millions of light years

to say something.

But what does it mean?

I... think this one's a fake.

You're one of those
skeptics, aren't you?

Always questioning. Always
picking away at my theories!

One day, you'll see that...

[mooing and bell ringing]

Now can we go to
MacMeatie's, please?

Need pork, Daddy!

Eccchh!

Come on. We're in a hurry here!

We have to make it
to the observatory by

so we can watch the equinox!

The equinox is tonight?!

Yuh-huh.

Yuh-huh, eh-heh, mm-hmm,

uh-huh, mm-hmm. Yuh-huh.

No! The molt!

I have to go home.

If you take off, it'll
be in your file forever

and you'll never get promoted.

I've come too far
to give up now.

I must not upset MacMeatie.

So close to promotion,

but I need to take
a break at o'clock.

You're gonna have to talk
to the shift captain about that.

It's : . If we hurry,
we can make it!

Hmm. The aliens must
be controlling the cow.

That is not a supernatural cow!

This is ridiculous!

You believe in all
the stupidest things

when real proof is
right under your nose!

I bet you'd listen to me
if I were talking about...

Oh, I don't know...
Count Cocofang.

What do you know
about Count Cocofang?!

That he's going to be at
MacMeatie's at o'clock.

We haven't got
much time. Let's roll.

I've been following the
cocofang case for years.

Everybody thinks he's
made up, but he's not.

Once I catch him,
the world will know

what I've known all along.

Count Cocofang is
an actual vampire.

Just as Frankenchokey is
an actual -- Franken... thing.

We're almost there!

That's it, Zim, your alien
infiltration stops here!

Kids: Yay!

Oh, no!

Bluh! Eat Cocosplodees.

Yeah! Cocofang rocks!

There he is!

He's not a vampire!

We have to catch the alien!

Hey! No cutting!

We finally meet, Count Cocofang.

The line starts
back there. Bluh!

It's just a guy in
a vampire suit.

Come on, Fang. Let's dance.

Hey, some guys are
chasing after Cocofang!

Haah!

[people screaming]

No! Help! Stop! Wait up!

I'll get you, Fang!

Nooooo!

[out of breath]
I know, little man.

I feel your pain.

But one day, we'll catch him.

One day, we'll
catch... The Fang.

You jerk.

You're fired!