01x27 - Battle of the Planets

[bunniefuu]

[crash!]

Wa... ha ha ha ha ha!

[camera clicking]

Welcome, planetary
conversion team.

Welcome to Blorch,

the latest addition
to the Irken empire

and most importantly,
the first planet to fall victim

to our latest effort
at universal conquest,

Operation Impending Doom II!

[crowd cheers]

Almighty Tallest rocks!

Now we erase the
remaining organics on Blorch,

paving the way for, I dunno,

maybe a parking
structure planet.

Yeah! Parking structure planet!

[crowd cheers]

But first, we'd like
to acknowledge

the contribution of
one very special soldier,

without whom this victory
and those surely to come

wouldn't be possible.

Invader Zim!

[crowd cheers]

You see if Zim
hadn't been exiled

to the far reaches
of the galaxy,

he would be here, with us...
ruining everything.

And we all remember
how he messed up

Operation Impending
Doom , am I right?

Voice: I don't!

Seize that guy and, uh...
throw him out the airlock.

Voice: Ahhhh!

That was the wrong guy,
but... that's ok.

I think everyone
gets the point, hmm?

So let's give a big
cheer for Invader Zim

for being so far away!

[cheering]

One Irken: Invader Zim rocks!

[alarm sound]

Quiet everybody, quiet.
Ha ha ha.

We have a little
surprise for you.

It looks like we're getting
a report from Zim right now.

Transfer it to the
main view screen!

[crowd cheering]

Well, thank you.

How very well deserved of me.

Invader Zim reporting in, sirs.

Yes, greetings, Zim.

Keeping busy, it looks like.

Doing us proud.

Thank you, thank you.

Yes, yes, I am.

I'm in a bear suit.

[crowd cheers]

Please! Enough!

Following Invader protocol,
I've sent probes

out to the surrounding planets

to check them for potential use.

Uh huh.

Scans from a planet named...
Mars are intriguing.

You can expect a full report

when I have more information.

Thank you, Invader Zim.

Without your efforts out there,

[suppressing laughter] The entire
operation would surely crumble.

Ha ha ha!

Yes. Yes, it would.

Let's hear it for Zim!

[crowd cheers]

Idiot.

Truly, I am amazing.

How could they not cheer
the very sight of my progress.

Still, I am becoming impatient

with my incredibly subtle
infiltration of this planet

and am growing
ever hungrier to be

the destruction of the humans.

Destruction is nice!

Computer: Long range
space probes have returned.

Excellent timing.
Begin data download.

Computer: Accessing
data from Mars probes.

Some of this landscape
looks unnatural,

as though nature was not
involved in its formation.

But the sensors
show no life forms.

Whatever wiped
out these "Mars-oids"

must have truly been incredible.

Incredible enough,
maybe, to assist in

my annihilation of the humans?

GIR!

GIR! GIR!

Meet me in the launch hangar!

I gotta go, pig.
I'll see you later.

I gotta go, pig!
I'll see you later!

We're going to Mars!

GIR: Are we there yet?

The camera stations have been
there for years, Agent Darkbootie,

but when they didn't find
any life after the first week,

NASA Place gave up
on them, but I haven't.

Look what I've found.

This is what one of the
camera stations looks like.

This one was taken
a couple of nights ago.

Look up here.

NASA Place says
this is a thumbprint.

That is no thumbprint.

Hmm. You've done
well, Agent Mothman.

But the Swollen Eyeball
needs conclusive evidence

before filing anything as
confirmed alien activity.

Let me know if you find more.

Darkbootie out.

Get off my head, GIR.

I have a good
feeling about this lead.

I can almost taste the
humans being destroyed.

It's delicious!

This Mars holds the key,
I just know it.

New words of praise
will have to be invented

just so they can pr--
Get off my head!!

The taste of impending
human annihilation

grows stronger in
my amazing head.

[smacks lips]

[also smacks lips]

Now, let's find out what
destroyed the people

who built this ugly thing.

Oohhhh. It's broken.

Dad, as a man of science,

you at least have to
admit that this picture

shows something... freaky

and of some spooky alien origin.

I'll say it again. Those
stations haven't been monitored

for one simple reason:
There are no aliens!

None able to travel the massive
distance to our planet, anyhow.

You've been watching
those transmissions

since you were a baby
with an enormous head.

It's time to move on, son.

Real science. Try it.

[GIR's squeal]

What was that?

It's fixed! Oh, yeah. Ooh!

GIR! Come here!

Oh, maaaan!

This is pointless, GIR.

This planet's a rock,
a useless wasteland.

Whoever they were, they left
no sign of what wiped them out.

They just left these stupid structures
here to taunt me. I hate them!

And I hope they d--

Huh. Oh, yeah.

I can see up its nose.

This means more time on Earth

with the stench of humanity.

Filthy humans!

[ringing sound]

What is that sound?

GIR!

Ugh!

Dad! Gaz! Come see this!

Please! No more
foolishness, son!

Gaz: Your voice is stupid!

Eeeaaahh!

Welcome, pilot.

How ya doin'?

Who are you? What is all this?

I am all that is
left of my people,

an interactive
instruction manual

for the incredible vessel
you are now helming.

Your people were
instruction manuals?

No, no. Huh?

Vessel? This thing's a ship?

My people worked
themselves into extinction

converting our planet into
a navigable space vessel,

using similar technology tested
and proven on another, nearby planet.

What other planet?

That's not important right now.

Another planet?

Why would you do all that?

Because it's cool.

Mm-hmm.

[GIR squeals]

The Invader behind this
important first victory is...

uh...

[whispering]

Invader... Skoodge?

[whispering]

This can't be right.

That cannot be the poster
boy for Irken galactic conquest.

He's so... short.

And ugly. I mean, look at him.

Greetings, my Tallest.

As the Invader responsible
for this planet's downfall,

I get to launch the traditional
final cannon sweep, right?

Um... yeah. Uh...

So that no Irken boot
has to come into contact

with any unsavory
alien filth. Hoo-ah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, well...

There's a new tradition now.

Man, you're ugly!

And short!

The new tradition is that
you get to be launched

as part of the cannon sweep.

That's right, in you go.

Commence organic sweep!

Aaahh!

Uh... you!

Your name is now
Skoodge, conqueror of Blorch.

[laughing] Remember...
Remember the time Zim called us

and he was...

He was covered from
head to foot in meat?

Yeah! The meat ended
up fusing to his flesh

and he almost went blind
when it invaded his eye sockets!

Ha ha ha! Meat.

[both laugh]

[beeping sound]

Oh, it's him, it's him. Hold on.
Shh-shh. Straight face.

[both laugh uncontrollably]

Greetings, Tallest.

I bring more evidence
of my unbelievable skills.

[containing laughter]
More evidence?

Yes. I've made an
exciting discovery.

The planet Mars is
actually a giant space ship

built by floating heads.

I'm going to fly it to Earth

where I will roll it
around on the surface,

squishing all the Earth life

and leaving it free for us to
conquer without resistance!

Prepare the fleet, for I
will be f*ring the first volley

in Earth's organic
sweep tomorrow!

Invader Zim signing off.

[laughing]

I have to stop him!

Where are you
going at this hour?

Oh... you know.

Puppet: To save the Earth?

Yes.

My poor, insane son.

...the end of the world!

Was that the uh...

Mm-hmm.

...crazy UFO kid?

Yup.

Oh, no. Dib.

I know what you're going to say,

but you have to
believe me this time.

Mars is a giant spaceship

and it's being
piloted by an alien...

Is this that... Zig you
always talk about?

Zim!

He's activated the face on Mars,

and now he's flying the whole
planet like some horrible... Wow!

This sounds really
stupid, doesn't it?

Anyhow, the floating head said
that there was another planet

and that they'd modified
it with giant engines.

We have to find out which one.

All right, let me
get this straight.

He's flying...

What's he flying?

There! Look! You can see him
on the martian camera feeds!

Sorry, kid.

Since they cut the funding,

we're not even allowed
to look at those monitors.

Whoa!

It's... [shudders]

I think it's an asteroid!

It's huge!

It's headed straight for us!

It's Zim! Just look
at the screens!

OK. Do we have to go through
the whole funding thing again?

Zim: Ha ha ha ha ha!

People of Earth!

Prepare to taste the
mighty foot of my planet!

He ha ha ha ha ha!

Red: I'm Zim. I'm
squishing out all life.

[both laughing]

Oh, stop!

Whuh?

I believe you. I
think I can help you.

What're you gonna do?
Clean me?

The other planet you mentioned,

the one you said was also
fitted with the giant engines,

it can only be Mercury.

There.

The butt on Mercury.

A lesser known structure
than the face on Mars,

but one just as mysterious.

Yes. That's it!

Now, how do I get to the butt?

What is it?

It's an old monkey ship
from back in the days

when they used to sh**t
monkeys into space.

[sniffing]

Ah! You can still
smell the monkey.

Does it still work?

I've done all the
repairs myself.

Why would you help me?

Nobody ever helps me!

Let's just say my
eyes are swollen.

Agent... Darkbootie?

[GIR humming]

This is taking too long!

I told the Tallest to
bring the fleet tomorrow!

At this rate, we won't be done
with our destroying by then!

There must be some boosters.

Ah, here. Hold on
to something, GIR!

Eh ha ha ha ha!

GIR: Aaahhh!

[GIR laughs also]

[Dib screams]

That sounded like...
No. Couldn't be.

[Zim and GIR continue laughing]

Aahh!

We're all doomed!
Doooooomed!

[Earth people ooh and ah]

Hey! We're all doomed, remember?

[screaming]

[laughing]

Now... slowing to
squishing speed.

Waaaahhh!

Aaahhhh!

Waaaaahhh!

Soda holder: Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, oh, no!

No, no, no!

No, no, no!

Wha-ha!

[child cries]

[soda holder
continues to scream]

[child cries again]

[Zim screams]

Dib: Not while I'm around, Zim!

Don't tell me you actually
thought you'd win this.

Oh, you horrible,
interfering Dib!

Taste the mighty
doom of my moons.

Yaaaaahhh!

You shouldn't interfere
with a superior force, Dib.

You'd have been better off
just staying on your planet

and getting squished
just like everybody else.

Well, you shouldn't have
bothered coming to Earth,

because I'll stop
you at every turn!

Aaahhh!

GIR, go take care
of the Earthboy.

What's this do? What's that do?

No! Aaeee!

[GIR continues jabbering]

Maybe that little robot isn't
such a bad evil minion after all.

What's it do? What's it do?

Hey, go away.

Okeedokee!

Let's see if you
have the piloting skills

to maneuver through the
asteroid belt, feeble Dib-thing?

Y-heh heh heh heh!

That's just stupid.

Look at that cowardly human.

We'll see who's stupid
when-- Aaahhhhhh!

Aahh! Aahhh!

Ugh! Ah! Oh! Ooh! Ooh!

You might as well head
back to your home planet, Zim.

I've recorded this whole thing.

Irrefutable proof
of your existence.

There's no way you can...

That little robot! He
took my cameras!

[beeping sound]

It's Zim. Are you
ready for this?

I just started breathing
again from the last one.

Mission accomplished,
my Tallest.

I have rid this solar
system of planet Mars.

I thought you were
trying to destroy the Earth.

Oh, yes... that.

You heard wrong.

This time, I was
trying to get rid of Mars.

You know, just a little warm-up
before I destroyed the humans.

Yeah. See, I'll do Earth next.

I'm an unstoppable
death machine, you know.

Well, Invader Zim, signing off!

[laughing]

Unstoppable death machine!

Did he say unstoppable
death machine?

Just a little warm-up!

Oh, please! Did he say
unstoppable death machine?!

[laughter continues]

I'm in a bear suit.