05x15 - Mine Own Room

[bunniefuu]

We're here to pick up Van,
and that's all.

CHERYL: Who's that guy?

That's Ray — that's my dad.

Deleesha?

Just piss off!

Bye!

Your old man likes them young.

She's my sister, you egg.

We should take Deleesha with us.

I'm already packed.

I have to call this off.

See ya.

What about the plans
you made with Jethro?

We did go behind her back.
She'll be OK.

f*ck off.

I quit, and you'll pay me
every cent that I'm owed.

Pack your sh*t, and get out.

MUNTER: Babe.

So you want to talk about the thing?

Instead of putting it off again?

So what do you think?
I think we should do it.

Yeah? Me too.

Do you? Oh my God. But I so want you
to know that if your sperm could
knock me up,

it would so be the sperm I'd choose.

I know. And that makes me
feel heaps better about it.

OK. Sperm donor.
I've never done this before.

Me neither.
I don't know how to go about it.

Yeah, you can't just walk up
to a guy in the pub

and say, 'Baby, I want
your sperm inside me now,' eh?

You've done that, haven't you?

I was young and pretty drunk, and I
don't think I used the word 'sperm'.

And I wasn't trying to get pregnant
with our child. So we should make
a list.

Of what?
Potential donors.

Why?
So we can choose one.

What about Van?

Yep. He'd be on the list. For sure.

He'd be the top of my list
if I was getting impregnated.

Munt, I love Van. I mean, really do.

He's...

special.

You know, he's maybe a bit too
special, if you know what I mean?

No.

You and him are like brothers,
right? So it'd be like having
my brother's kid.

Brother-in-law.

All I'm saying is it would be
a little too close for comfort
for it to be comfortable, for me.

Oh.

You've already asked him.

Well, it came up in conversation.

How?!
Well...

Apparently you're supposed to do
about a foot of poo every day. But
that didn't sound like a lot to me.

You know, if all that poo
came out as one poo,

that would be a poo
a man could be proud of.

Bro, would you be my sperm donor?

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

But you probably had
to push him into it, right?

Mate, I'd be honoured.

Yeah?
Yeah.

It'd be the best thing that's
happened to me all year.

Munt! You have to talk to me about
things like this before you do stuff
like that!

Yeah, well, I think he would be an
awesome sperm donor for heaps of
reasons.

He's got super sperm that can knock
a chick up just by standing near
her.

Just keep it in mind —
it's all I ask.

Fine, I will.

He's definitely on the list.

All I ask.

DOGS BARK IN THE DISTANCE

Bugger off!
(SIGHS)

Ugh, not again.

Argh! f*ck!

Ugh, God, you smell evil.

Mum, Van was asleep
in the bath again.

Oh, Van, you have a house.

I don't like it. Too many memories.

Yeah, I know, sweetie, but sleeping
in our bath is hardly the solution.

Man up, or next time
it's the hot tap.

VAN BURPS

Hey. Make yourself useful — change
this stinky, pooey, smelly thing.

All right.

Why are you on the couch?

It's more comfortable
than that crap camp bed.

Well, after school
we'll get you a proper bed.

Not if I have to share with Jane.

What's wrong with it?

Do you know how loud babies are?
It's like there's a demented
hedgehog in the room.

Not that it's much quieter out here.

WHISPERS: Hi.

WHISPERS: f*ck.

Have a good night.

You never saw me, OK?

What part of 'you never
saw me' don't you get?

Oh, your rooting-around phase.

Loretta.

I went out, cos I didn't want to be
in the same house as a miserable
bitch like you.

Pascalle.

Mum, she's letting that
pervert hang around the house.

Pascalle, Grandpa lives here.

Got no bloody choice, do I?

No, not Grandpa. Aaron Spiller.

Thanks to Jethro, I have nowhere
to run my businesses, and the Tool
Guys are one of those businesses.

Ipso facto, Aaron will be here...

Bullshit. You are having him
around so he can perve at me.

I'm not!

Aaron, can you get me some dental
floss? It's in the bathroom.

Yeah, sure thing, boss.

Ooh.
Oh, you pervert!
Piss off, you freak!

That was awesome.

f*ck off, Aaron! ]

My life is in ruins,
and nobody cares.

My life isn't a bowl of cherries
in this refugee camp called home,
except we have waifs and strays.

So it's all my fault?

If I had a choice, I'd be out of
here like a sh*t, so don't get
snarky with me, miss!

Yeah, Loretta.
Up yours.

Hey.
Enough! Enough of all this
bitching and moaning. Jesus!

If you lot don't like the way things
are, then we'll change things.

Van, you can't sleep in the bath.

You have a house — use it.

Or sleep in the caravan.

Um, no.

It's mouldy, and
it smells like piss.

(LAUGHS)

Enough out of you,
or you'll be back in it.

If you can't hack sleeping with
Jane, one of you can go in there.

She's her mother.

Not legally. And why do we get
punished because you guys bring
home waifs and strays?

Bite me, hag.

Christ, look, we
said 'enough'. f*ck.

All right, look, if none of you want
to share with Jane, then one of you
two can share with her

or one of you is in the caravan.

So sort it out, you lot,
and stop bloody moaning.

We might have a future
as actual parents.

Don't hold your breath.

So you'll pick me up at lunchtime?

Sure will.
I can't wait to see Hoochie Mama.

Yeah, don't get too excited.

Fashion is where I see myself
heading. As a model, to start.

Oh. Good for you. ]

And I just wanted to thank both of
you for everything that you've done,
and with this whole room thing,

I'm happy to share with anyone.

What a little bitch.

And a dreamer. She could never
be a model — not with her bone
structure.

You should tell her that.
I will.

She needs someone who's been there —
take her under your wing.

Stop it. I know what you're doing.

What?

You're trying to trick me into
letting her stay in my room.

You'll be out screwing some guy
every night. You'll hardly notice
she's here.

Or she could stay in your room
to keep you company, cos you have
nobody and you never will.

It makes sense if you two share.

No, it doesn't.
You two are so alike, it is uncanny.

You just said she
was a little bitch.

Figure of speech.

Well, figure on this — you are
the youngest. She shares with you.

Figure on this — over my dead body.

I can deal with that.

You're the oldest in years — in
other ways, you're Deleesha's age.

You are also a little bitch,
so you guys are a perfect match.

I'm not ! I'm not sharing a room!

Then move out!
You move out!

That is really hurtful.
I'm here to heal.

Ah, you seem pretty
f*cking healed to me.

That shows you know nothing about
being an actual person with actual
feelings, you child abandoner!

Best Bag Ever to Biggest Slut Ever —
the Pascalle West Story.

Argh! Bitch!

Don't!

No!

(CRIES)

Argh! I hope someone
rips off your head too!

OK, that don't bode so well.

It'll be fine.
It's just like old times.

(WHIMPERS)

Hey, that sex shop in
Christchurch — another order.

Another one? Go Christchurch.

(CHUCKLES)

You look shabby today.

Yeah, that'll be all the booze
I drank last night.

Oh, that'll do it.
Yeah.

[ CAR ALARM BEEPS

Wow, this is cool.

Yeah, if you say so. Jethro.
Mum.

This is, uh, Deleesha — Wayne's
sister. Deleesha, this is Jethro.

Kasey.
Hi.

Didn't know Wayne had a sister.

Half-sister, actually —
different mothers. Hi.

Deleesha's going to
be staying with us.
Right.

She wants to get into
the fashion industry.

As a model, first,

then later on, either an agent or
owning my own label, like this one.

God, does everyone your age
plan that far ahead these days?

Mainly just me.
Can I have a look around?

Go for your life.

Mum, there's some accounting
crap on your desk, OK?

[ OK, thanks.
Cool.

It was nice to meet you, Jethro.

You too.

You call, I come. What's up?

I had an idea for the sperm donor.

Uh-huh.

There's a way it can be Van, but
without the like-a-brother thing.

You're going to steal his
sperm while he's asleep?

No...

Jethro!

Jethro?

That way, our kid can have Van's
good looks plus Jethro's brains.

Van's brainy too, babe.

Yeah, sure he is — in his own way.

Yeah, he's just not book brainy.

But book brainy is good for a kid.

But it'd get Jethro's stink looks.

Munt, they're identical.

No, they're not.

Jethro's got, um, mean squinty
eyes and a weird forehead.

They're close enough, in my book.

Well, in my books, Jethro is evil,

and no baby of mine's
having evil for a father.

Can we keep him on the list?

Only on the list of evil people who
are never gonna be my baby's daddy.

Fine. We'll keep looking.

Yes, we will.

Thanks for the receipts, Aaron.

Cool.

You can go now.
Yep.

She's not here, Aaron.

Her scent is.

OK, first bit of advice — if you
want to score Pascalle, step off
the creepy bus.

So you think I've got a chance,
then, of scoring Pascalle?
No, I don't.

But she's alone and wounded
after what Nicky G did to her.

Yeah, the thing about Pascalle is
she is very rarely alone for very
long.

Because she's a goddess.

No, cos she's a slut.

She's searching for the right man.

Well, she's searched in
a lot of places.

When all along, the perfect guy
was underneath her nose —

a guy that would treat her right and
treat her nasty at the same time.
You know what I'm talkin' about, eh

Thankfully, no.

I'd worship the ground she walks on.
She can walk on me if the ground
isn't good enough.

I'd make love to her so sweet...

Aaron, Aaron, Aaron!

If it stops you dribbling on,
then, yes, you have a sh*t at
scoring Pascalle.

You're just saying that.
Yes, but she is going through one of
her f*ck-anything-that-moves phases,

so if you're in the right
place at the right time...

'f*ck anything that moves?'

Anything that has a pulse
and/or vibrates.

No. No, not Pascalle.

Jesus, Aaron, she's not called the
town bike because she's a reliable
form of transport.

Pascalle has phases, OK?

She breaks up, she fucks around and
she finds another guy to torment in
the long term.

If you want to be that guy,...

DOOR OPENS

...stop bothering me
and get a move on.

On to it.

Good luck, you deluded weirdo.

Hey, Deleesha. How was school?

Stink.

I was thinking we should probably
have a bit of a chat about this
rooming situation.

I suppose.
You don't suffer from
sleep apnoea, do you?

What is that?
It's a condition where you go to
sleep one night and never wake up.

Uh-uh.
Oh, well, that's good.
I'd hate for you to start, though.

So it's probably a better idea
if you share with Pascalle,

because you guys have just got
so much in common, like fashion
and make-up and modelling.

And breathing.

OK?

Sure.

Great! Good on you, Deleesha.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(COUGHS)

Oh, hey, Jed.

Jesus. You know I don't do
lawyer sh*t any more, right?

Yep.

Hey, uh, have you spoken
to Kasey today?

Uh,... yeah, this morning. Why?

Did she say anything
out of the ordinary?

No. Why?

You sure?
Yes. Why?

You're not lying?
What the f*ck are you on about?

If she does say anything
out of the ordinary...

What's 'out of the ordinary'?

Trust me, you'll know.
But the answer's no.

No to what?

You don't need to know.
You just need to say no.

OK, fine. Yep. 'No'. Works for me.

Yeah, so we're clear on this?

Yeah, we're clear.
OK.

What are you doing in here?

You have amazing style.

Yeah I do, but answer the question.

No, I really do mean that.

Did Loretta send you in here?

I was checking out
that picture of you.

You're really really beautiful.

Yeah, if she sent you in here
saying that you could stay...

And you're an amazing survivor too.

Well, yeah, but what's that
got to do with anything?

Everything I've heard about your
life. You know, the dead husband,

getting dumped by your fiance at
the refugee camp in Pakistan...

Well, it wasn't at the refugee camp.

It was after.
Oh, sorry.

No, that's OK. It all
pretty much felt the same.

And the way that you're bouncing
back from this last thing — that's
awesome too.

Can you please come
and sort this out?

Sort what out?
Nothing to do with me, I swear.

♪ I just thought
you should know I...

♪ I... I...

Piss off, Aaron,
before I call the cops.

Shh, baby. Listen to the lyrics.

Let them wash over you.

♪ Cos there's nobody
else in my life...

Let them wash over you. We could
shower together in the music.

Ew.

♪ Nobody else comes within
a country mile... ♪

Go way Aaron!

I'm here for you, Pascalle.

I don't want you here
for any reason.

Look at me, Pascalle. Tell me you
don't see a man who loves you —

a man who wants to
change your world.

No, I see you.

That's who I am, baby.

And I'm not going away. Though,
I might put this ghetto blaster
down, cos it's pretty heavy.

No, just don't put it down
Aaron — just take it away.

Don't cheapen yourself — not for me.
What?

Sleeping around with
all those other guys.

For f*ck's sake.

Letting them use you cos you're
all messed up. I won't use you,
Pascalle.

Or make you feel cheap.

Unless that's what you're
into, then I can roll with that.

I want to save you,
Pascalle, from yourself.

Unlock your chains, free your mind
and just liberate your body.

Ugh!

You can go now, Pascalle, but you've
got me in your mind now. It's only
a matter of time.

Actually, I think she's gone
to get Wayne's hunting r*fle.

Time to move on.

MUSIC STOPS

PEOPLE CLAP

Mm.

Double swear —
nothing to do with me.

I am no longer talking to you.

Excellent.

No, no, no! Nobody said
anything about moving in.

But I— I thought before...
Before what?

That we bonded.
How?

When we were talking.

Uh, I don't think so —
not roomies-kind-of-bonding.

Oh, please don't make me
share with Loretta. She's weird.

Well, yeah.

And she scares me.

(SIGHS)

What did you do to her?

Thought you weren't speaking to me.

Why is she scared of you?

Maybe she's not as dim as she seems.

Will that jeopardise
her modelling career (?)

This is not over.

I'm liking where things are at.

I will rise above this, like I rise
above everything and everyone around
me.

Yes, Pascalle, you're a souffle.

Oh Jesus, Kase. It's a petty-cash
return, not brain surgery.

Yeah, I know, but I've had a lot
on my mind, and nothing adds up.

Mum...
Yes, Pascalle. ]

About me sharing with Deleesha...

Yeah, thanks for that.

That's OK, but I was think—

It really means a lot, Pascalle.

Thanks, Wayne. I was thinking
it might be better...

It is such a relief to have at least
one person in this family who's
prepared to help.

Well, yeah, that is me.

You will be a great
influence on her.

She really needs someone like you
in her life right now, Pascalle.

Choice.

Hey.

I've had an idea. For another donor.
Yeah?

OK, so I was around
at Cheryl's and...

Kids get it too easy these days.
I had to share a room most of my
life — didn't hurt me.

Ted West?! I know he'd
be up for it, but...

No! Not him!

Most of the rooms you shared
were prison cells.
So?

So excuse me if I want something
different for my little sister —
like a normal, healthy life.

Mr Judd?

He's kinda sexy.
You think?

Well, not as sexy as you, obviously.
But for an older guy, he's all
right, plus he's fertile.

What do you think?

As chance would have it,
I had an idea for a donor too.

Yeah?
I was down at the pub
with the boys...

sh*t, yeah. I want heaps of kids.

Little red-headed blonde kids
with their father's handsome face
and their mother's long legs.

Aaron Spiller?! Are you insane?!

No, not Aaron.

Thankfully, no woman
wants to mate with you,

and the evolutionary dead end that
is Spiller Street will soon cease
to be.

The wondrous blessing of parenthood
will not be sullied with your pasty
ginganess.

I am so saying no to Falani on the
grounds that his kids were, like,
pounds,

and I am not sh1tting out
that watermelon!

No, not Falani.

Then this 'wondrous blessing' grows
into a teenager and makes your life
a living hell.

How are you meant to deal with that?

AARON: Back of the hand, bro.

FALANI: Prayer helps. ]

And alcohol. ]

Oh my God. We've so found our man!

He would be an awesome sperm daddy.

Except for one thing.

He might say no.
No, or Cheryl might say no.

Yeah, chicks can get a bit weird
about their men fathering babies
with other women, eh?

I'll call her.

I'll take her out for a drink.
I'll make her see.

Do I have to pump it up?

Uh, yeah, that's why
I got you the pump.

Well, can't we just top and tail?

No. In fact, do not touch
my bed or any of my stuff.

And especially do not
borrow anything, ever.

Well, that sucks.

Well, it's my room,
so it's my rules.

So what do I get out of this?

Some floor space and a life mentor.

All you've done so far
is be mean to me.

Yeah, well, I'm a tough-love
life mentor — get used to it.

Are you sneaking out?
No, I'm going out.

After everyone's gone to bed.

West house lesson number one:
the less everyone else knows,
the less sh*t you get.

CHERYL MOANS

It's been a while since you came
back from the pub and jumped me.

I haven't even had a drink.

Maybe you're just irresistible.

Yeah, maybe I am.

What was Kasey's panic?

Oh, she just had a question to ask.

I want your man's sperm.

Sorry?

She what?

No— I mean, that just sounds wrong
and weird. I mean, as a donor —
to be the father of my baby.

Not the actual father — that would
be Munter, but the father whose
sperm does the fathering business.

sh*t.

What'd you say?
What do you mean, 'What did I say?'

What do you think I said?

Oh, I can think of plenty
of things you might have said.

You're probably going to have
to talk to Wayne about that.

But you're cool with that?

If he's cool with it.

Well, thanks a lot for that (!)

Don't expect me to
do your dirty work.

Anyway, I'm fine with it.

Whatever you decide.

I'm going out.

You can't stop me.

I could, and also
hurt you in the process.

Does Pascalle know about this?

She's already gone out.

Oh, go Pascalle.
Leading by example.

Try not to catch any diseases.

I swear I was in there before.
All my friends are in there!

I'm telling you the truth! You don't
have to be a w*nk*r about it.

Jethro! Jethro!
sh*t.

These are the friends I was
telling you about, d*ck.

Can you tell him that
you're with me?

(SCOFFS) No, cos we're not.

What the f*ck are you doing here?
Trying to get inside.

That's not going to happen, OK?

Whoa, whoa, Jed.

Help the lady out here.

Yeah. Yeah, listen to
your mate. Hi, I'm Dee.

I'm Isaac.

That's probably enough of that as
well, especially on a school night.

Oh.
So? What's it to you?

You should be at home
tucked up in bed.

I'm going somewhere else.
You want to go somewhere else?

I really don't think so.

Bye, Dee.
Bye, Isaac.

I didn't think you
were an uptight arsehole.

It's funny what you learn
about people, isn't it?

Go to bed, stay up, do whatever
you want — just stay here, OK?

Yeah, yeah.
What's this?

Can't anyone sleep without raiding
the fridge every five minutes?

Found her at a club, OK?

Is that so?

Yeah, that is so.

Lucky you were there, then, eh?

Yeah. You want to give someone
grief, give it to her, not me.

Grief about what?

Hey, what are you doing dressed
in Pascalle's clothes?

I can go out if I want.

No, you can't. You're .
So? ]

So you're . You shouldn't
be at a club at any night.

Welcome to the real world, bro.

What were you doing out with her?

I wasn't. I just found her
and brought her home, OK?

I'm the good guy here.

How did that miracle happen?

Hey, um, up yours.

Does Pascalle know you're stealing
her clothes and going out?

She's not even here.
Where is she?

I don't know — out.

She said it was OK that I went out.

You dobbing little cow.

Is this true?

Hey, since when did
she become my problem?

Loretta, she's .

OK, I grew up with Pascalle doing
this sh*t since she was and
she still is.

So don't give me crap
about being a bad role model.

sh**t, Mum.

What are you doing still up?

Remembering all those nights
I used to do this with you.

What?
When you were .

You never used to wait up
for me when I was .

OK, when you were -
before I gave up on you.

Most nights you were passed
out when I got home.

That's not the point. The point is
we have a young girl in the house,
and you need to be a role model.

I am a role model to Jane.
A really good one.

Not to Jane, to Deleesha.

Ugh, what's she done?

Jethro caught her in a club.
So?

So she's meant to be
in your room with you!

Last time I saw her,
she was going to bed.

Yeah. And then you left.

Mum, I am an adult, which entitles
me to my own life. I don't want her
in my f*cking room,

let alone be a role model
to her. God!

All right, who is he?
Who is who?

The guy you were with.
No one.

How am I meant to teach this girl
right from wrong when you're
sleeping around again?

I am not sleeping around.
I'm trying to have a life!

f*ck!

DELEESHA: Hey, switch that off!
PASCALLE: Shut up, bitch!

LORETTA: Keep it down!

PASCALLE: Screw you!

WAYNE: Everyone, shut the f*ck up!

(SIGHS)

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

(MOANS)

Hey, was there lots of shouting
here last night or did I dream it?

Shut up, Loretta.

I haven't said anything.

No, but you were going to.

Bugger off!

Morning, Deleesha.

Hey, she was talking to you.

It's all right. She's making
a point, aren't you?

You know what — I've played this
game with experts, haven't I, girls?

I want nothing to do
with this family.

You can play it as long as you want,

but I will win.

You're not my parents.

No. We are the people that can pack
you off back to your dad any time we
like.

Yeah, Reefton, fashion
capital of the world (!)

Send her.
I thought you'd stopped being a cop.

Stop turning me back into one.

When you stop ruining my life.

And mine!
Stay out of this.

I am the innocent one
suffering here!

Which explains why you're
'innocently' sleeping around.

So just cos she's a ho-bag,...

Hey!
...why do I have to lock her up?

Uh, I don't know (!) Maybe cos you
know all about being a ho-bag?

Stop it! Quiet! Jesus,
for five bloody minutes!

Excellent stool.
What's for breakfast?

You don't have to do that.

Well, I do, and I can, so you don't
need to go all caveman on it.

No offence to your sex, but I hope
that that child is a boy.

Oh, boys bring
their own world of hurt.

Can't be worse than teenage girls.

Except girls who aren't
teenagers, who act like it.

Yeah, well, amen to that.

Well, if this one isn't a boy, maybe
you'll have more luck with Kasey's
baby.

Oh, don't. That sh*t is not
what I need right now.

What are you going to do?

I dunno. What do you want me to do?

What do you want to do?

Well, that's what I'll do. Thanks
a lot (!) What are we going to do
about the crap around here?

I reckon we need a new plan.

That's not very nice.

It's Deleesha's.

Oh, OK.

So, who was last night's lucky guy?

Like I'd tell you.

Is that cos you can't remember?
Or you didn't get his name?
Or you couldn't keep track?

God, you have a mind
uglier than your face.

Oh my God, was it Aaron?

No!

Oh, you'll give in eventually.

I do have some standards.

Um, not when you're heartbroken.
You've slept with people who might
not be classed as human.

Stop it.
But it's too much fun.

You're evil.

You are downright evil.

Oi, you lot, upstairs.

What have we done now?
I've done nothing.

WAYNE: Upstairs.

(SIGHS)

OK, all right. Now, Plan A was
a total dog, so now we're going
to go with Plan B.

If that doesn't work, we'll kick
the lot of you out so we can get
some peace and bloody quiet.

Yes, Pascalle, you do deserve
a room of your own,...

Hallelujah.
...so we're moving Deleesha out...

JUDD: ...into Loretta's room.
Back the truck up.

And you will move downstairs.

You can run your businesses there
so the Tool Guys aren't traipsing
through here.

Thank Christ.
What about Grandpa?

Ted will be moving back to
his caravan, and Jane will
stay where she is. That's that.

All right.
You have a house of your own. You
can't sleep in the bath any more.

But I like sleeping in the bath.

Sleep in the bath at your own house.

I like the bath here.

Get used to it. I want everyone
to get along, and no one's gonna
complain, and if you do,

I will throttle the person
concerned, OK? Are we clear?

Good!

Special delivery for Pascalle West —
a gift of love from a love machine.

Stick it up your arse, Aaron.

Oh, the Aaron Spiller
vase. I like it.

CHERYL: Oi!

Out of the way, Deelesha.
VAN: Move!

f*ck off, Aaron!

LORETTA: Prick.

PASCALLE: f*ck off.
VAN: f*ckin' cock.

VAN YELLS

(LAUGHS)

When we get a bit more cashed up,
we'll get you a new caravan, eh?

Don't waste your pity.

I will turn this caravan into
a house of love for my lady and I.

Go to school, stay out of sh*t,
and you'll get a bed this weekend.

I totally promise.

Screw that up, I'll s*ab it with a
Kn*fe and you'll sleep on the floor.

I will lock you in your
room overnight, if need be.

Really?
Oh yeah. Ask Loretta.

What if there's a fire?

I don't think that far ahead.

Oh, hey, Wayne.

Hey, Munter.

I got you a beer, but if you
want top shelf, that's sweet too.

Beer's good for me, bro.

Funny old day, eh, weather-wise?

You don't have to make small
talk if you don't want to.

Oh man, that'd be good for me, bro.

Munter, this is an awesome thing.

Oh, and you would be the most
awesome man for that awesomeness.

Kia ora to you for that,
but, uh, I can't do it, mate.

I'm stoked and honoured and
scared at the responsibility.

You just jizz in a cup, and we can
take it from there, you know.

Unless you want to do
the business...?

Nah, I mean about bringing
a child into the world

when I'm already bringing
another child into the world.

Oh. Oh yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bad timing, eh?

Yeah, Munter. Bad timing.

Oh, you being awesome about this
makes me even want you more to be
my baby's dad.

Nah, not going to happen, bro.

Respect, Mr J.

You'll find that perfect
daddy. I know that.

Yeah. Thanks, man.

Hey. It's only me.

Oh, hey, Van.

Is, uh, Munts around?

He's at a meeting.

Of what?

Neighbourhood watch.

(LAUGHS) Oh yeah.

I'll catch him later, then, eh?
Yeah, for sure.

Yeah. Cool.

Pretty weird, eh?

Neighbourhood watch?

Nah, you know, the whole,
um, the whole baby thing.

Yeah.

Hey, I want you to know I'm
totally cool with the idea, OK?

Which idea's this?

That— That I'd be your baby's dad
without actually being the dad.

I'd be, like, the godfather.

You know, I could hang with him or
her, but without getting in the way.
It's cool.

Totally cool. Whatever you guys
want, it's all good.

So good. It's just, um...

What?

Well, you— you two people

are— you're, like, the people that
I love most in the world, right?
And...

making a baby for you guys,...

it'd just be the best thing
I could ever do for you.

And that sounded so weird
coming out of my mouth.

(SOBS)

sh*t. What?

Kase? What?

Oh, Van.

Yes?

I would be so honoured
if you'd fertilise me.

I've never heard a girl
say that to me before.

You've heard it now.

Yeah, I have.

Van.
Yes.

Make me pregnant.

How'd it go?
He ain't into it.

That's OK.
Back to the list?

Well, the list just
got a lot shorter.

It wasn't very long to start with.

Van came round.

sh*t, I didn't even tell
him about the list.

No, it's cool, Munt.

As far as I'm concerned now,
he is the list.

You sure?

So what happened?

I need to talk to Munter.

I'll talk him through it.
And I'll figure out when.

He'll need a few beers first, OK?

I'm talking about
when I'm ovulating.

Oh. Oh, right. Chick stuff.

I should talk to Van about the how.

Sure, hon. That's fine.

OK.

f*ck off.
Your family have a real
problem with being nice.

Put it down to the company we keep.

You had no problems with me
the first time we met.

Hello?

Can I help you?

Hi, are you Jethro West?

Most of the time, yeah.

I hear you hire models.
Who'd you hear that from?

Someone I met back home,
before I came here.

You looking for another model?

Always.

Mind you, I didn't know who
you were then, did I, Dee?

It didn't stop you, though, did it?

DANCE MUSIC

Take me dancing.

(LAUGHS)

You all right? Good.

So your place or mine?

Yours.
Yeah?

Definitely.

Don't worry, Jethro, after I left
your place, I went straight home.

WHISPERS: Hi.
WHISPERS: f*ck!

No one knows we f*cked, if that's
what you're worried about. For now.

No laws were broken.

Wayne won't see it that way.

Your brother doesn't scare me.

I don't want him to. What I want is
to be a model, and you can help me.

That way, your Mum won't need to
know how all this sh*t played out.

It'll be our little secret.

I like secrets, don't you?

So it's on?

It's on.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Holy sh*t.

The holiest, bro.

What are you going to name him?

I was thinking, uh, Hemi.

What? After our car?

Hemi or Chrysler or Valiant.

Hemi Chrysler Valiant.

That is a pretty cool name, man.

The coolest, cos not every
kid's gonna be named after our car.

No, no, no. So how do we—? How do we
do this? Do I spoof in a spoon and
you whack it up her jacksie or wha?

Oh bro, that sounds ugly.

Well, how else does it happen?

You could, um,...

you know...

Oh, what? You mean,
like, actually...?

Yeah, yeah, well it makes more
sense than a spoon up the jacksie.

Um, will Kasey be
all right with that?

I think so.
Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, then, my friend,
unleash the Vanatron!

Oh bro, nah, don't say that,
man. It's a job, right?

Yeah, nah.

Hey, I could pretend I'm you. Huh?

CELLPHONE BEEPS

I'll wear your beanie while I'm on
the job. That makes sense, right?

READS: Kasey. Get back
here right now.

Sounds like it's, uh, business time.

When did you last wank?
Pardon?

It affects your potency.
When was the last time?

Couple of days ago.
Good enough. Come on.

Come on, man.
Yeah.

Glad you could join us
for the Fish Pie of Peace.

Yeah, Mum asked me.

Mm, you can never say no to Mum.

Well, I think it's great that
we're all here together tonight.

Define 'together'.

f*ck, you're funny Loretta (!)

I just want us all to have a nice
family dinner together in peace.

Good luck with that.
I'll prove you all wrong yet.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Why don't I get that?

Evening.
What do you want?

Porker in the house!

Detective Gerard, we've done nothing
wrong, so unless you've got news...

Oh no, no news,

uh, just come to pick up
my date, as requested.

Ooh.

Yep, my date.

Me and Zane.

So cut all the bullshit about me
sleeping around, because this is
the only man I'm with right now.

And we won't be staying for dinner.

'Night, all.

See ya.

NERVOUSLY: I think
she's expecting me.

Hey, it's OK, man.

While I'm on the job with her, I'll
be— I'll be thinking of you, OK?

Yep.

OK, sweet.

Why is he here?

Uh, you wanted him here —
in your text.

No, I wanted you here.

No offence, Van.

None taken.

Um, just one thing.

Uh, my jism — when do you want that?

We don't need it
any more, thank you.

Oh.

I was checking out my dates,
and I realised that ever since
we stopped trying,

I'd stopped keeping track and, you
know, even though I'm an irregular
ovulator,

it's been a while since,
you know, my period.

So I took the test,
I peed on the stick.

And now that I think about it, I was
kind of sick a while back, and my
boobs have definitely gotten bigger

But it can't be mine, cos—

No, it's like when the pressure
was off, your boys came through.

They came through!

You're, uh, pregnant?

Yes, Van, I am so f*cking pregnant!

My boys came through.
Your boys came through!

My boys came through!

ALL CHEER

♪ Cool me down. Cool me down.

♪ Cool me, cool me down.

♪ Cool me down. Cool me down.

♪ Let your love wash over...

♪ wash over me.

♪ Let your love wash over me.

♪ Hey.

♪ Wash over me, yeah. ♪