04x06 - Parth Ferengi's Heart Place

[bunniefuu]

Cardassian disruptor,
Klingon disruptor,

Romulan disruptor.
why are we throwing out

so many disruptors?

Orders from the Grand Nagus.

No more arms sales.
We're going straight.

But these are worth a fortune.

Rom doesn't care.

He says equality and hospitality

are more profitable
in the long run.

I want to be rich now.

What even is this thing?

Careful!
That's a Genesis Device!

No, it isn't.
It's too small.

It's an updated
portable version.

These are used
to terraform planets.

You could have rearranged
our molecules.

We should rearrange
the captain's molecules

for leaving so much latinum
on the table.

We could buy a ship with this.
Maybe even a fleet.

Gem doesn't care.
He thinks Rom is the next Lonz.

We're under att*ck!

Right on time.

Move us away from that ship.
Full impulse.

But, Captain, they could be
looking to trade.

It's always good business
to know about new customers

before they walk in your door.

Ah, ah.
Rule of acquisition :

"The riskier the road,
the greater the profit."

Come on, get on with it.

Jeef, you're up to something.
I can smell it.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

You're only here
as a favor to my cousin.

I never trusted you.
Throw him out the airlock!

They told me
we would make a profit.

I knew it!

They're f*ring at us!

Captain's log, stardate ..

The Cerritos has traveled
to Ferenginar.

The Ferengi leadership is
submitting a formal application

to begin the process
of joining the Federation...

an alliance that could benefit
the entire quadrant.

This may just be a first step,

but it's still
a historic occasion.

I hope you've been practicing
your notarizing.

You are about to witness
the quickest signing

in Starfleet history.

These are the Ferengi, Admiral.

I think we should be
prepared for...

A cakewalk?
We're not dealing with

the old Ferenginar anymore.
Rom and Leeta

have brought
so much progressive change,

it makes Moab IV inside the dome

look like Moab IV
outside the dome.

Well, you-you'd get it
if you'd ever been to Moab IV.

Respectfully, sir,
the tenth rule of acquisition...

Whoever's been attacking ships
across the quadrant

has disrupted
their trade routes.

Rom is desperate
for Federation resources.

This is just an application.
We'll be in and out in no time.

Announcing Grand Nagus Rom

and First Clerk Leeta.

Welcome, Grand Nagus.

I am honored to have you
aboard the Toronto.

The pleasure is ours, Admiral.

We offer you this ceremonial
bust of good fortune.

Oh, thank you.

The likeness
is quite flattering.

We also offer you
the ceremonial invoice

for the bust of good fortune.

How much is... Oh, my.

In the spirit of unity,

we gave you the "friends
and family" discount.

Um, did you bring any latinum?

See here on the stabilizers?

I was thinking
if we repositioned the...

- Matrix?
- We could...

- Beef up the dampeners?
- And...

- Get a . % smoother ride.
- I was gonna say

win engineering's "most
beefed-up dampener" competition,

but, yeah, that, too.

Mariner, geez.

You've been weathering
that stem bolt for so long,

it probably can't even
self-seal anymore.

- What's up?
- Nothing.

I'm doing great.
Uh, Ransom

is supportive of everything
I want to do.

For the first time in years, I have

total autonomy and zero complaints.

So, why are you sitting here
looking pissed off?

Stop staring at me. Shut up.

Lieutenant junior grades.

Lieutenant juniors grade?

Lieutenants junior grade?
Whatever.

You four just pulled the most
coveted job at Starfleet.

Balancing the positron
compression chamber?!

No.
Travel guide duty!

I thought that was a myth.

What's travel guide duty?

Starfleet has travel guides
for all habitable planets.

The file for Ferenginar hasn't
been updated in years, so...

Starfleet's gonna foot the bill
for us to go to as many bars,

restaurants, bars,
hotels, pubs, bars,

saloons, cantinas and bars
as we want.

Also museums, historical sites,

but, basically, yeah,
it's mostly bars.

Oh. How many places
do people usually review?

I don't know.
Four or five?

Great.
I'm gonna do .

I'll pack my schedule so full

that I do everything
and enjoy nothing.

It's not a contest, Lieutenant.

- You can take your...
- Sir,

I'm only a lieutenant
junior grade.

I have everything to prove.

I need to make an itinerary!

Does he drink a lot of coffee?

- Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm, tons.

We also need someone to act as a couple.

And since the Cerritos
is statistically the horniest

and least romantically
committed crew in Starfleet,

we have no married
officers aboard.

You want us to pretend
to be married and review stuff?

Oh, that sounds hilarious.

Yeah, we're already such a good
team, we finish each other's...

Diophantine equations.

Maybe I should have Honus

and Nurse Westlake
take a cr*ck at it.

Commander, we are
an expert science team.

I'm pretty sure
we can handle a fake romance.

Let's go get packed, honey.

You pulled some strings
to get us assigned

to travel guide duty,
didn't you?

I might have had
something to do with it.

Ugh, why is it so weird
when you're nice?

Because I'm also so handsome.

Total package.

Wow.

Wow. Oh, it's like
what heaven would look like

if God was stupid.

Oh, I'm just
so excited to haggle at

the Museum of Gambling.

Oh, and gamble
at the Museum of Haggling!

Let's go find the
honeymoon suite, pudding bear.

Right this way, muffin skunk.

Excellent cutesy speak.

Yeah, just nice and natural

and definitely
the way people talk.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I promised a friend
I'd meet up with him.

And I have to squeeze

an unforgiving amount of
experiences into my day.

- We sound natural, right?
- Totally.

We got married at a wedding.

This way, my sweet wife.

I'm so excited to wake you up
from a deep sleep

whenever it sounds like
you're having a nightmare.

And I'm excited to know
how you like your hamburgers

so I can order them for you
and ask the waiter

to take it back
when they've made it wrong.

I'm not gonna feel weird
about using your toothbrush

because our gums
are in a partnership.

Yeah, and I'm gonna
wear your gym shorts around

our shared quarters
with nothing up top

because who cares about nudity
with our situation?

- You-you are?
- Sure. I, uh...

I love being married
to my husband.

I love you, too.

You know what, maybe we should
just go back to the ship.

Yeah, pretending to be married
is kind of weird.

- Let's...
- Ah! Our Starfleet VIPs.

Attention, everyone.

These young lovers
are getting a great deal.

All right.

Dropping bags off in hotel room
is off the list.

We got the for-profit minibar,
the for-profit toilet,

the machine that
charges you to pay,

for the toilet and the minibar.

View screen works.

That's everything.

I give this hotel
a nine out of ten.

Now, off to the Museum
of Bribery.

Oh, weird.
A what-you-call-it...

a "commer-seal"?

Ooh.

- Aah!
- You're fired.

Slug-O Cola. This happens
to everyone who drinks it.

They just lie to you?

Hilarious.
Well, time to head out.

And now,
Pog & Dar: Cop Landlords.

Huh? Mm.

This is like a holo-novel,
but way sleazier.

You're making my partner mad.

- Just sign the lease, dirtbag.
- No.

Hey, Quimp.

Well, if it isn't
my favorite pathetic human.

- Is that a new pip I see?
- Uh, yep.

I'm an LJG again, for now.

Congratulations.

I never thought
you'd dig your way out

of crashing that Oberth.

Ditto. Still, being
a lieutenant kind of sucks.

My stupid mentor won't stop
trying to make feel like

a valued part of the team.

Oh, sounds like
a real nightmare.

You would hate it, too.
But whatever.

You know, I'm excited
to leave all that behind

- so we can hang.
- Read my mind.

Hey, maybe some brunch?
Casual meal with some yogurt.

Two sh*ts of Cardassian tequila

- and a dagger of the mind on the rocks.
- Wow.

That's pretty hard
for : a.m.

It's : a.m.?
Ooh, make it three sh*ts.

Ha! I'll have the same.
It'll be fun to let loose.

Uh, yeah. I need it.

Where'd you even get that one?

- He didn't bring the drinks yet.
- Do we care?

Hey!

Now, Mr. Grand Nagus...

- Just Nagus.
- Sorry. Nagus.

Grand Nagus.

Now that we have paid
our ceremonial invoice,

perhaps we should focus
on the application?

- Uh, it's a boilerplate...
- Ooh!

Do you still play baseball?

We should put in there

that Ferenginar
gets to play baseball.

I like baseball.
It's fun.

I think we can slip that in.

If that's the type of adjustment
you need to get this done.

I'm just a former bartender,
but I was looking at the numbers

and was wondering
if they could be different.

Different numbers?

I'm not sure what you mean.

Just a moment, my love.

Oh...
Baseball.

Listen, my husband isn't exactly
a shrewd businessman.

He just likes to feel involved.

Ah, I think I see what you mean.

Play ball!

- Admiral, a word, please?
- Stand down, Captain.

You were saying, First Clerk?

If we can open up the document

and let him shuffle around
a couple of numbers,

he'll feel like
he accomplished something.

I don't see any
problem with that.

This is a classic

dumb cop/reasonable cop routine.

The terms of the membership
application are locked,

- but if we open them up...
- Thank you for the input, Captain,

but we'll be fine.

- He's practically a child.
- One, two,

three strikes.

- You're out.
- Grand Nagus,

I've just reopened the contract.

Why don't you show me some

of the numbers that seem wrong,

and we'll fix them together?

We'll start on page ,
subsection B,

incentivization vis-à-vis
the great Ferengi people

and our reluctant acceptance
of your Federation.

- She means bribes.
- Then we'll move

to the tariffs on Ferengi
exports to outlying territories.

Freeze! You're under arrest

for having a pet over
pounds in one of my units.

He was pounds when I got hi.
I swear...

- Aah!
- Aah!

You just surrendered
your deposit

and your life.

I'm not gonna make it, partner.

Hey, you hang on
one second, buddy.

I just need to enjoy
the crisp, refreshing taste

of a Slug-O Cola.

Oh, they put commercials
in the shows?

It's like mind control.

Transfer your latinum to me,

or I'll tell everyone
you supported tenants' rights.

I'm proud to be scammed

by a landlord cop as conniving
as you, partner.

Okay, I guess
I should finally do my...

Up next...
Will They, Won't They?

The workplace sitcom
where everyone

is secretly in love
with each other.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, Blongo,
I don't know what to do.

I'm secretly in love with Nilm,

but she's engaged to Bok,

who's always extremely...

This kind of hacky,
lowest-common-denominator

schlock won't work on me.

her flirtations with Kret.

But I better watch

so officers who aren't
as resilient as I am

will know what to avoid.

But you should go for it.

Even though I'm secretly
in love with you.

Whew! I'm so grateful everything
is shaped like a heart,

or else I'd forget that
I'm here for romantic reasons.

Yeah, it's like,
who decided that hearts

are the universal symbol
for love?

If anything,
it should be kissy lips

or gorgeous green eyes.

Or something.

What?

Knock-knock! It's me, Parth,
your hug-cierge.

It's time for your
couple's photo session.

- Our what?
- Put on these outfits.

Uh, okay.

Uh, I'm almost ready.

Me, too.

- Mm...
- Uh... Aah!

Wow.

You look so handsome.

Thanks.
And you look, uh...

Captivating?

Sorry, I'm trying
to make my mind come up

with a less intense word,

but hoo-boy,
is it extremely warm in here?

You bet it is, soldier.

Now, let's commemorate
your love!

Ooh, shameless.

Really press
yourselves together.

Publicly display that affection.

I think that's enough.

No problem.
We'll move on to the lingerie.

- Aah!
- Aah!

Sorry, can't!
Late for dinner.

Dabo!

Damn, Quimp, I got to admit...

at first I was skeptical,

but Ferengi public libraries
go hard.

I told you, nobody's read a book
in here in a thousand years.

Wow.

You can still drink an alarming
amount of glowing alien liquors,

- but I must call it.
- No, you can't take off now.

We haven't even gotten
to the part of the night

- where we regret stuff.
- Yeah, that sounds fun.

- Oh!
- Oh, my goodness.

- A thousand apologies, good sir.
- Oh, not a worry at all.

Did you just
spill a drink on my friend?

I've been a proper fool.

- And, of course, I'll reimburse...
- You better get ready

to reimburse me

for a new 'burse shirt, too, butt-ass,

'cause this one's about
to be soaked in your blood.

Madam, please. I'm just trying
to enjoy an evening out

with the rest of my biker g*ng.

Sounds like this guy's
all bark and no fight!

Oh, Mariner. Ow!

So we'll adjust

the table on page
concerning exchange rates.

That would be satisfactory.

I believe we're almost
wrapped up.

Ooh, I have an idea.
Let's finish at my palace.

Much better photo op
for the signing,

plus all my favorite
baseballs are there.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
if that's what it takes, fine.

He's making you feel
like you're close,

then delaying to make you
frustrated enough

to sign anything.

I can't tell the council

we failed
at the simplest of tasks.

All Rom cares about is baseball,

and all Leeta cares about
is fine print.

I... I can do this.

The Starfleet Experience
Bar & Grill?

Huh. Maybe this will
feel like we're at work.

Ooh, look! The waiter's
wearing one of those

old velour uniforms that
used to catch fire all the time.

Oh, good eye, muffin... top.

Do you think maybe we could...
I don't know...

just go back to acting
like friends for a bit?

Yes. Oh, man,

- I'm so glad you said something.
- Yeah.

Who knew pretending to be
in a relationship with each other

would be more nerve-racking
than sealing a radiation leak?

Yeah, let's just keep it
strictly friend stuff from now on.

Agreed.

- Hello, lovers.
- Aah!

I'm so sorry.

The waiter gave you

the standard menus.

- Hey!
- He didn't know you were here

for our deluxe romance package.

Parth, buddy,
you're a top-notch hug-cierge,

but we have to come clean.

Just a second.
Hold that thought.

Well, well, well.

It looks like we've caught two people

lying about being a couple

to defraud our company
out of a discount.

This is, of course, one
of Ferenginar's worst felonies.

So these two
are hereby sentenced

to a lifetime working
in the subaquatic sulfur mines!

Sorry about that.

Enforcing the law is my least
favorite part of the job,

but one that I take
with deadly seriousness.

Anyhoo,

what were you admitting
before I sentenced

those two liars
to a life of misery?

That we are more in love
than ever before!

- That's right, smumpy.
- Oh, good.

Now for the most
romantic meal possible.

Sexy chocolate statues

of each other for dinner?

- Great.
- It's customary

that after every bite
you tell the whole restaurant

something you find attractive
about each other.

The chairs can detect
if you're lying, so be sincere.

Oh, thanks for bailing me
out of jail.

Do you understand how many
people I just had to bribe

to keep your little
drunken fistfight

from ruining Starfleet's
diplomatic mission?

Hey, you know me, man.

I'm a wild rogue,
living on the edge of chaos.

I sit weird in chairs.
You can't predict me.

Usually your chaos means something.

But it's weird this time.

You seem angry about nothing.

Yeah, right. Oh, look,
if anyone's weird, it's you,

Mr. "I Should Probably
Be Getting to Bed."

You've changed, dude.

Yeah, I have.

That's what
happens when you're not

stuck in a perpetual state
of immature rebellion.

Wow.
Immature?

You have all the support
you ever wanted,

nobody to scream at
or rail against,

and look at you...
still picking fights

- to make sure you get hurt.
- What? No.

That-That's not what that was.

I just want you to be careful.

So you can live long enough
to pay me back.

If I lose any more,
they'll have to

put my account on this monument.

Uh, isn't this

a memorial to the dead?

So much lost income!

Is there no justice
in this galaxy?

Man, I got to give it to you,
Ferengi keep it on-brand.

Sorry I cost you money,
and, got you punched.

Mariner, I love you,
but, you need to figure out

whatever's eating you up inside.

Uh...

Uh, Tendi's got...

fun hair?

Uh, uh, I like your hair, too.

Congratulations.

You have completed
the Ferengi all-inclusive

newlywed discount package.

You may now consummate
your marriage.

- What?!
- What?!

Not where we can see you.

You do it in the blind box,

where we can hear it.

Please alert the chef
that I will be reviewing

this restaurant for my planet's
official foodie archives.

My species invented space travel

in order to seek out
strange new meals.

D'Vana, Samanthan!

What a coincidence.
These are, famously,

the two closest
platonic friends on my ship.

- Huh? Platonic?
- Hello!

- Security!
- Uh...

Um...

How dare you

call us only friends?!

You've been trying to break up
our love from the start!

Uh, yeah.
You know we both love you.

You do?

Just because the Ferengi
newlywed discount

can only be used by two
out of the three of us,

you have the nerve
to come down here

- and try to ruin our marriage?
- Wha...

- You guys love me?
- Of course we do.

You're undeniably attractive
to both of us.

But now that I see you here,
I want a divorce

- so we can be together.
- But we can't...

Thanks so much, Migleemo.

You ruined our marriage!

We'll never forgive you.

I didn't realize.
I'm sorry.

Please don't break up
because of me.

Security, stand down.

Now that we're divorced,

we're going back to our ship

- and never talking again.
- That's right.

Huh, I had no idea
they were married

or that they both loved me.

Can I interest you in our

homewrecker package?

You don't have to throw up
in my mouth twice.

Let's do it.

In addition to
the contractual changes,

we are now allowed use of

any ship in Starfleet
at our discretion,

whether we end up joining
the Federation or not.

And ten points on the back end
of every holo-novel program

in perpetuity.

I don't think
they have back end,

but yes, yes.

Uh-huh.

Also, the Nagus would like you
to dance for him.

I've made those changes

and added a billion bars
of gold-pressed latinum

as a signing bonus.

Wh-What? Captain!

Keep dancing.
Why so giving, Freeman?

I just want to wrap this up
and free the admiral

before he signs away
the entire fleet.

- He's clearly under your thumb.
- I am not!

I don't buy it.
There has to be a catch.

Of course.
I've added one provision.

Here comes the other shoe.

Before you receive
any of these signing bonuses,

you must recruit
one other planet yourself,

- since you're so good at it.
- What are you thinking, Carol?

That's nothing.
We do it all the time.

Ha! Do you realize
what just happened?

You know how many planets
are in debt to us?

Bringing just one in
will be nothing.

We'll be in debt
to them forever.

It's all right, Admiral.
They get nothing.

We're done here.

What?
What do you mean?

You owe us a fortune.

Yes, contingent
on bringing in a planet.

But I didn't say which planet.

You might want to read
the fine print.

Qo'noS, the Klingon homeworld?

- That's impossible!
- Oh, I know.

You forgot the eighth rule
of acquisition.

"Small print
leads to large risk."

You swindled
like a true Ferengi.

I swear I had
nothing to do with this.

You're lucky she did.

As much as we're in favor
of joining the Federation,

the Grand Nagus can't sign with
a bunch of suckers and rubes.

Captain Freeman, you showed me
that there are those

in the Federation
who respect our culture.

Let's start over.
Bring me the standard papers.

I'll sign.

Please accept my apologies.

I shouldn't have doubted you.

I'll be relaying
your acuity to Command.

Thank you, Admiral.
Happy to be of aid.

Now, who wants to check out
my batting cages?

With the
application submitted,

so begins the first step

to the Ferengi
joining the Federation.

There are many more
hurdles to leap,

but, today felt
like a good start.

Well, Mariner, was guide duty
as fun as rumored?

Uh, I had to take out
a predatory loan

from one of my closest friends,

apparently I get
in fights for no reason,

and I can feel my hangover
in my entire spine.

Why are you getting into fights?

Ugh.
You wouldn't understand.

Okay.
How about you two?

How was the couple's retreat?

Oh, faking a relationship
was way,

way out of our
comfort zone, sir.

Yeah, we just don't have
any natural chemistry.

Want to help me reroute
that phase conduit?

Sure.

Ha!

We got to squeeze in there.

- Hand me the spanner.
- On it.

Now, this makes sense.

Wait, where's Mr. Boimler?

Mr. Boimler, did you do
too many locations?

- Are you in need of aid?
- Uh, no.

I watched eight hours straight
of Ferengi programming.

I'm sorry I let you down, sir.

- Honestly, I'm proud of you.
- Really?

You've always had a problem
going with the flow,

but today it looks like
you got out of your own way.

Thank you, sir.

I've authorized the local
authorities to drag you out of there.

Just go limp,
don't fight them.

Get out of here!

I really like that lieutenant.

Oh! Aah!

Oh! Oh, no. Oh, oh, no, no,
no, no, no, no!