06x03 - To a Radiant Angel Link'd

[bunniefuu]

From now on, we need to
pull together as a family.

Taking charge of this
family is challenging.

This is Bailey, who I was telling
you about. She'll get Grandpa out
of prison.

I've got certain cash-flow
difficulties at the moment.
I have to sell the house.

It's kind of being
forced... by the bank.

You expect me to bail you out?!

No, that is not what I'm saying.

Jesus Christ!

I want an annulment.

Of what?
My marriage.

What, you're not seriously leaving?

Hmm, I already did.

OK. Fine.
See you, then.

Fine by me.

No, it's great that you can be here.

Yesterday when you said you'd be
here would have been nicer, but
it's all in the past.

Arsehole.

Did you not get my text?

I was driving. Only wankers text
while they drive. You, for example.

I can't take Jane today.

You could have f*cking warned me.

I just tried to.

Well, too late, Hayden.
It's your day.

But the carpet guy's here.

Well, he was meant
to be here yesterday.

He's here today,
and I haven't have Jane running
round with all the chemicals.

Take her some place else.

I have to wait for the plumber.

[ JANE CRIES

Hayden, I've got a meeting.
and Jane cannot be there.

Then palm her off
on to someone else.

JANE CRIES

Mummy and Daddy do
love you, honestly.

You have a house full of
babysitters. I have a house to sell.

No, the bank has a house to sell.

Thanks for reminding me (!)

Thanks for reminding me what
an idiot I was marrying you

just to piss off my mother.

No, you married me
because you love me.

(SCOFFS)

The stains being cleaned off the
carpet tell a different story,
Loretta.

Don't be gross, Hayden.

And red wine wasn't the only thing
that went over the back of the sofa.

You are a sad, sick man.

Do you have any idea how difficult
it is to get wax out of the carpet?

It's not my fault you enjoy pain.

Why else would I be with you?

You are not with me.

TYRES SCREECH

But I will be, because you love me.
Maybe not right now, but you will.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

I can't look after Jane. I've
got somewhere important to be.

Where?
I'm not gonna tell you.
You'll mock me.

No, I won't, and just
take Jane with you.

I can't take Jane. They'll think I'm
a skanky solo mother like you are.

Who will?
The people at the employment agency.

(LAUGHS)

You're mocking me.

No, I'm not mocking you.

We need the money, so I'm going
about it professionally. And she's
your daughter. You deal with her.

We'll look after Janie.
There you go.

I love looking after my little girl.

Janie loves being with Grampy and
Nana Ni-Ni, don't you, pumpkin?

Do not call her 'pumpkin'
or any kind of vegetable.

We only want to help, Loretta.

OK. OK.

But I won't be long.

Off you go.

[ We'll have fun here.

Darling.

Oh, that's, um, West. Sorry,
my handwriting's not so good.

Well, no actual nursing
qualifications as such,

but being caring and inspiring
is what led me to becoming an
inspirational TV presenter.

Yeah, I know there's not many
openings in inspirational TV,

but I also had my own
inspirational business.

But I kind of had to shut that down,

but only because my bitch
almost-sister-in-law, like,
stole all my money.

(SCOFFS) Yes, of course I can
type. Any halfwit can type.

Uh, maybe five or six words per
minute. You know, it depends on
how long the words are.

Yes, I am one of those Wests, but
I don't see what my mum has to do
with this,

and it's only alleged m*rder.

(SIGHS) If this is your attitude,
it's no wonder there are so many
people f*cking unemployed.

Thanks for coming.
I'm here to listen, that's all.

That's all I expect.

Not like I'm after
a handjob or anything.

I'll leave that to Pascalle.

You tell her you were
coming to see me?

You expressly told me not to.

That wouldn't stop you.

Yeah, but you also said if I did,
I could kiss the money goodbye.

So how many laws do I have to break
to clear five grand a week?

None, mostly. Depends on the week.

You interested? ]

What did I do to
deserve this generosity?

I need someone I can trust.

And you chose me?

In this case, I think I can.

What about your juiced-up
muscle-heads from the gym?

This definitely isn't
their line of work.

What about Pascalle?

This wouldn't be her
line of work, either.

She's unemployed and desperate.

I look after her.

Do you?

Yes, I do.

In fact, making sure she's
looked after is part of what
this conversation is about.

So, you listening?

I'm sitting here, aren't I?

Oh, come in, come in.
Make yourself at home.

No, thanks.
All over it.

All over what?
Whatever it is I'm meant to be doing
that you're here to hassle me about.

No, I'm not here to hassle you.

I need to find out something.
From Van?

Yes, from Van and you can
f*ck off while I do it.

That's not very nice.

It's the best offer you'll get.

So, Van, when you were
driving Miss Angel...

Ah! She ain't no miss.

It's a film reference, Van —
Driving Miss Daisy.

Well, it's Nailing Miss Daisy,
and I'm surprised you've seen it.

How much was Angel earning?

Why do you wanna know?

Oh, I'm just curious.

Well, heaps.

Like, heaps and heaps some nights.

And how much is 'heaps'?

Uh, like, hundreds. Like...
You know, heaps of hundreds.

There's a lot of sick
people out there, eh.

Oi, wait, ah.

sh*t.

No way.
No way what?

Loretta, sweetie, OK,
no offence, Loretta,...

but you would suck at being
a prost*tute, and I don't
mean suck in a good way.

No, Van.
No, no, I have to agree
with my friend here.

You'd be the world's worst hooker.

I'm not going on the game.

Is Hayden making you do this
because you've got no money?

Heis the one with no money.

Your marriage is over and you wanna
deal with it by having anonymous sex
with strangers?

Just give it up, Loretta, OK. Angel
is a bloke, and she's way more
attractive to guys than you are.

Oh yeah, shut the f*ck up.

Oh, come on. Just don't
go there, Loretta.

Ask a dominatrix, she
might eke out a quid.

True.

Hey, Ted.

You winning?
Always.

Is Loretta here?
No.

Jane?
Out with Ngaire.

Ngaire?
Yes.

SMACK!
Ow!

What the f*ck was that for?

What you had coming.
Why?

What's the thing in
your trousers called?
What?

It's a penis. Or were
you born without one?

What the hell are you on about?

For letting my granddaughter
walk all over you,

like you're some French
cheese-breath piss-weak faggy
little dickless jellyfish.

Grow some balls, why don't you?

Look, Loretta, as you
well know, can be a very—

SMACK!

Stop f*cking hitting me!

What, for slapping you
like you're a girl?

Don't slap girls these days.

No, you let them walk all over you,
if your name is Hayden 'Limp Cock'
Peters.

Do you think I like what's going on,
with everything turning to sh*t?

Do you not think I am f*cked off
in the extreme right about now?

Good. Some sign of life.

Get the whisky.
What?

I know she's difficult. Takes after
her grandmother, who was a harlot.

She's not on with some
other johnny, is she?

Who?
Loretta — got herself
a back-door man?

Ew, she's not into that kind—

No, a bit on the side, you nonce —
in the back door when you step out
the front.

No, Loretta likes to
ruin one life at a time.

Whisky.

To be fair, Ted, it's a bit
early in the day for me.

It's the nick of time, son.

You and me, we've got
some talking to do.

PHONE RINGS

What is it, Pascalle?

I'm all depressed.

If you're considering su1c1de,
don't let me hold you up.

The employment agency
so did not get me.

That's not unusual among normal
people. Look, I have a meeting soon—

So I was thinking...

Oh sh*t, oh dear.

Yep. And I was thinking that
maybe your could give me a job.

As what?
I dunno. You run lots of businesses.
What about your cleaning company?

Uh, do you speak Mandarin?

Fruits don't speak, Loretta.

My cleaners are all Chinese.
You wouldn't exactly fit in.

I wasn't thinking actual cleaning. I
was thinking I could run the office.

I run the office.
Then I could run the
Tool Guys for you.

Believe it or not, I can multitask.

But there's nothing in that for me.

Yeah, what a shame (!)

Don't be a bitch, Loretta,
even though that's what you are.

Isn't Nicky, your beloved,
looking after you?

Yeah, he sends me what he can.

From his prison wages?

No, from the gym, dimwit.

And I don't want to be beholding to
any man, even one as sweet as Nicky.

Mm, you guys really are like Mother
Theresa hooked up with Ghandi.

Have you got anything for me or not?

No.
Slag.

Well, try Grandpa.
He's got heaps of money.

Duh, Grandpa doesn't have a job
any more now that he's on home
detention.

Or if you want something useful to
do, you could be on Jane-minding
duties.

No, never mind.
Knock yourself out.

Yeah, I will.

Once I actually chained
Rita to the bed.

God, Loretta would k*ll
anyone who tried that on her.

Rita quite liked it.

If anyone needs me, I'm going out.

What about sleeping
pills in her coffee?
Why?

So... you can keep her in one
place long enough to give her
a talking to, of course.

Won't she be asleep?

MAN: (WHISTLES) Yeah! ]

ROCK MUSIC

WHISTLING, CHEERING

Um, I thought that it was
just gonna be you and me.

Not any more.

You get one of us;
you get all of us.

Oh, do I get a group discount?

[ Trying to be funny?
No.

We're a collective now, so
you'll talk with all of us.

A collective?

What does that mean?

It means we make our career
decisions collectively —
like, together.

Mm-hm.

Good-oh.

I was under the impression that
you were paying Nicky for certain
services —

like transport, protection,
you know, the whole pimp deal —

and that of late, you've ceased
paying him for said services.

Because we're a collective now.
Don't you listen at all?

Let me deal with this one, Chastity.

Chastity?!

Your hooker name is
seriously Chastity?

No, that's my real name.

Wow, your parents must
love your career choice.

My dad is dead and my mum's
not well at the moment, so—

What's that got to do with anything?

You're the one who asked.

And if you really wanna know,
my working name is Susan.

Susan?
And what's wrong with 'Susan'?

Well, it doesn't exactly
scream sex, does it?

What's your name, then?
Loretta.

Is that your real name
or your working name?

HOOKERS LAUGH

I'm not a hooker.
Well, you've got a hooker name.

OK. I'm here on behalf of Nicky.

Nicky Gregan gets nothing from us.

We don't need him any more. Now that
he's inside, he's no longer part of
the equation.

Yeah, so this, I think,
is where I come in.

You don't come in anywhere.

You're just some silly little
bitch doing Nicky's dirty work.

And you can tell him to
f*ck off from us, collectively.

ROCK MUSIC

PHONE RINGS

Yeah?

Thanks a f*cking bunch (!) Getting
abused by a collective of whores
was exactly what I needed today (!)

A what? A collective, as in girls
together — well, mostly girls —
and, 'f*ck off, Nicky.'

That's what they said?

They said it to me, and
so I'm saying it to you.
f*ck off, Nicky.

PHONE DISCONNECTS

Hey, Pascalle.

I was so on the money
when I realised.

Realised what?

Well, with Grandpa gone,
you're so gonna need my help.

Help with what?

Uh, everything. Look around you.

What about it?

With Grandpa not working for you any
more, this place has gone to seed.

Actually, it's tidier
and it smells better.

Well, what I'm saying here, Wayne,
is I could be your new Grandpa.

Not actually your grandpa, but now
he can't leave the house any more,

I can, like, fill the gap
he left, and smell better.

Uh, that's a very kind
offer, Pascalle, but—

No, it's not an offer. You'd have
to pay me what you paid Grandpa.

(CHUCKLES) That wasn't much.

Well, I need a job, and
I need to earn something.

Look, I employed Ted because
he has a certain skill set —

how to break into places so that
I could stop people like him
breaking into places.

OK, yep.

So thanks for the offer and
everything, but I'm just gonna
have to muddle on on my own,

because that's about all
I can afford right now.

OK. Cool.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) What are you doing here?

Talking to Ted...

about life and business.

Well, you have no business.

Well, all the better to talk
about it, then, isn't it?

You're drunk.

Well, I came to pick up Jane,
and Ted distracted me.

Right, so you're gonna take Jane and
drive pissed. Top parenting skills,
Hayden (!)

Jane is with Ngaire.

What? You let Ngaire take
my child out of this house?
What the f*ck were you thinking?

You are so far out of line,
you need a slapping.

I'm not the one who sent Jane
out with Morticia Addams.

Apologise to this man right now.

What the f*ck for?

He's your husband.
No, he's a big fat mistake.

You need to get things right with
your husband. Do what he says.

Do you mean how Grandma Rita did?

Apart from when she sent you to
prison and had someone else's baby.

Don't talk to me like that.

Stop lecturing me about my marriage.

Not that we have a marriage.

Yeah, f*cking A we don't.

This is my house, and
I will be listened to.

This isn't your house.

Now that Slutty's gone, it is again.

Um, I really don't think
that's true, Grandpa.

We're back.

Why is Jane dressed like
an Asian baby nightmare?

We went clothes shopping.
Isn't she gorgeous?

No, she's a freak, and why is
she carrying a plastic version
of Pascalle?

She loves that doll.

Yeah, not for much longer.

Well! So much for gratitude
after I cared for her all day.

I'll, uh— I'll take Jane home.

You are not taking here anywhere.
Go after her.

Yeah, yeah, I might
pass on this one.

(SCOFFS)

Babies can sense things, you know.

What?
Like when there's disharmony.

That's why Jane was crying — she
knows something's wrong with her
parents.

No, she was crying because she
wouldn't give up this stupid doll.

And you took it from her?

Had to wait till she was asleep
because she wouldn't let go of it.

And you still took it?

Because it's an abomination.

Looks like me a wee bit.

Like I said, an abomination.

You truly are the worst mother ever
and an evil doll-thieving torturer.

She'll get over it.

Only after she's been traumatised
for her whole life.

Pascalle, I don't need this crap
from you. I don't need you joining
the 'let's hate Loretta' choir.

So what? I'm a sh*t judge of
character for marrying that
fraud in the first place.

Man, you are such a quitter.
Excuse me?

You always have been. Making films —
you quit before you even started.

You burnt your business down and
the pet shop next door. You'll
so burn in hell for that.

Irish dancing, the one beautiful
thing you were good at.

That was coming to my
senses, not quitting.

Well, now you're quitting your
marriage, even before it started.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, you are.

Yeah, well, at least I didn't
k*ll my husband with my body.

Your cruel words will
never dim my love for Milt.

Hmm, I guess you would be the expert
on all things dim, wouldn't you?

Quitter.

We should have a girl-to-girl
talk, you and I.

That would be a woman-to-hag talk.
If I hung garlic on the door, would
that keep you out?

There's no need to be rude.

I'm rude to people who
barge into my room.

There's no need to be rude
when I'm on your side.

I think Ted's wrong — about you
and Hayden getting back together.

You married to prove a point
to your mother. Fair enough.

But it's good you've come
to your senses early.

Why do you feel the
need to tell me this?

You should know that
I'm here for you.

You are?

I know the life you're
looking at as a solo mother,

and you will be, believe me, because
he'll be off to greener pastures in
a sh*t.

You'll be left. You'll be
so very alone, Loretta.

Which is where I can help.

Let me take Jane off your hands.

She needs routine in her
life, and discipline.

You'll be free to do the things
you want. Everyone wins.

Think about it.

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

DOOR CLOSES

PHONE RINGS

(SCOFFS)

Van, this better be the most
important thing in the f*cking
world.

What have you done, Loretta?
What? When?

What the f*ck did you do?
Wayne.

(MUTTERS SLEEPILY)

I have to go out. It's kind of an
emergency. Can you keep an ear out
for Jane if she wakes up?

I'd ask Pascalle, but she's gone.
Probably out f*cking some no-hoper.

SLEEPILY: Sure.

Off out, Loretta?

Work thing.

What about dear sweet Jane?

Wayne's all over it, and shouldn't
you be out in your crypt? Sorry,
your caravan.

I like to keep my eye on things.

(SIGHS)

I don't get how it's my f*cking
fault if some client takes
a swing at you.

They weren't clients, you dumb
bitch. It was Nicky's boys.

So why aren't you yelling at
him in the middle of the night?

He's in prison, Loretta, and they
don't let you out in the middle
of the night.

You sent them round.

I wouldn't know Nicky's boys
if I tripped over them.

Well, did you tell
him about our meeting?

Of course I told him.

Well, then he sent the boys around
to tell me— us, the collective, to
get back in line.

I still don't see
how that is my fault.

Because I'm f*cking
making it your fault!

OK, whatever works for you.

But instead of getting me out of
bed, shouldn't you talk to the cops?

I don't like talking to the cops.

And anyway, as if the cops give
a sh*t about a working girl and
her client getting done over.

Her client?

I was driving past and I saw
the fracas and I stopped.

Ew.
Ohhh.

You tell Nicky he can't scare us.

Look, I am sorry that it is hard
out there for a ho, I really am,...

Oh, you don't even know the f*ck—
...but you can tell Nicky yourself.
It has got nothing to do with me.

(SIGHS) You are a sick
and disturbed individual.

I was driving past.

And you — you still owe me a hundie.

But I hadn't finished.

Well, we can sort that
right here and now.

Are you going to the office?

Eventually.

Great.

Why is that great?

Oh, no reason. Just, you know,
it's great to have a job and be
needed and know why you're needed.

Where's Jane?

God, have you lost your child?
You really are the worst mother
in the world.

She's out.

Oh, did she take the car (?)

She's with Ngaire.

What? Ngaire stole my child again?

Jane was awake while you were asleep
after your night our cavorting.

I was not cavorting. It was work.

They've gone shopping. Then Ngaire
was going to get them tickets.

To what?
The Woggles.

The Wiggles?

Them Australian ponces, whatever
they're called. Janie loves them.

No, she doesn't.

Only cos you never
let her watch them.

[ She has now.

Well, what if Ngaire loses her?

Don't worry. Ngaire's
got the reins today.

What?

The reins — so she can toddle around
while they're shopping. But Ngaire's
got her on the leash.

Ngaire is out there walking our
child around like she's a dog.

What do you want me to do about it?

Hayden, it is demeaning and inhuman.

I meant, what can I do about it?

Ngaire has to be stopped.

Oh. Yes, she does — for good.

Loretta, you can't k*ll Ngaire.

No, I'm not talking
about k*lling her.

OK, the thought did cross my mind,
but Grandpa kinda likes her.

But, no, we need to remove Jane
from the house of the living dead.

Well, she can come and stay
here until the place is sold.

Then I'll find somewhere
suitable for the two of us.

Yeah.

Or we could buy this place.
Sorry?

Well, mortgagee sale — it might be
a bargain, and Jane really likes it
here.

When you say 'we',

I presume you mean you, cos I sure
as sh*t haven't got any cash.

Yeah, OK, fine. Me.

[ Then what? You and Jane move in
and I sling my hook somewhere else?

We'll figure that out
when we get there.

Auction's tomorrow.
Yep, I know.

Got enough cash for a deposit?

I have some funds.

You're not flush?

Well, I'm more flush than you are.

Well, half the Third World's
more flush than me.

I can find cash, OK.
It's what I'm good at.

Pay the mortgage for
the next years?

There are... possibilities
out there always.

Tool Guys raking it in, are they?

(SCOFFS)

Actually, there is quite a few
grand in the new Tool-van account.

Ah, see, that's called fraud.

Well, at least no one
dies in this version.

Nothing gets burnt down.

You're in no position
to give me a hard time.

OK, fine.

So once you find this cash, we,
um... we all live happily ever
after?

Don't get ahead of yourself.

Pretty impressive, eh?

When did you do all this?

Last night, and I broke in to do it.

Grandpa's not the only West with
breaking and entering skills.

I'm aware of that.

Plus I followed you all the way in
this morning without you noticing
me. Pretty good for a beginner, eh?

Beginner what?

Private detective.

Pascalle, I can't give you a job.

But I just proved to you that I can
do everything that Grandpa can, and
I can tidy.

Pascalle, I can't afford you.

Uh, no, you can't afford
to be without me.

You'll see. I'll show you.

Coffee? Mm-hm.

Pascalle's good. Sends her love.

She's busy, looking for a job.
She said she'd come over and
see you soon.

It's the other one I wanna talk to.

Loretta? Ha! Good luck there.

Jesus, she needs a good lecture.
What the f*ck is she playing at?

What?

Oh, you know, it's good to have
you back to your usual self.

Hardly.

It's not like I can get my hands
on her. Pisses me off being stuck
in here while she is out—

Yeah.

I know.
(SIGHS)

I'll pass on the message, persuade
her to come in for her spanking.

Me, lend you money?

Well, I know you've got it.

That's not the point.
I'd never bloody see it again.

Well, we could draw up a contract.
Grandpa, I'd pay you interest.

Ha!

Come on, Grandpa.
Help me out. Help us out —

Me and Hayden and Jane, so we can
be together again as a family.

You've changed your tune.

Well, with everything that's been
going on — you know, Mum and all — I
just haven't been thinking straight.

Good to see you come to your senses.

Thank you, Grandpa.

But no way am I lending
you a bloody cent.
What?

Spend some time on Struggle Street.
That's what the two of you need.

Only me.

(SCOFFS) Why would I spend any time
on Struggle Street when you can give
me the money that I need?

Hardship is the cement
a relationship needs.
Isn't that true, Falani?

Hardship, although the occasional
foot massage helps. (CHUCKLES)

Fine. f*ck off back to Tightwad
Lane. I'll do it without you.

That's the spirit.

And these are the spirits you asked
for to help with your incarceration,
Ted.

Ah, good man. I'm a bit short
right now, but I'll get you later.

Yeah, sweet as.

I'll get the glasses.

Better sample the merchandise.

He's lying, Falani. He has money.

Of course he's lying. He's Ted West.

Hey, now, I heard a little birdie
by the name of Eric told me you're
planning a career change.

(GROANS) Eric is a sick man.

Yes.

And he's wrong, Falani.

I know how good the money is, and,
look, you've got a broken marriage
and a child to support—

I'm not going on the game, Falani.

Thank the good Lord for that, cos
you're truly unsuited for a life
on the streets.

I mean, yes, you'd look good in
a miniskirt with the high-heeled
boots, but how precarious.

It's a hard life out there,
you know, on the streets,
in the motels, and dangerous,

especially given how lippy you can
be. Best you stick to a desk job.

Gidday, Mr J.

We're just making a few changes,
and not before time.

I can see that. Why?

Well, to make room for me.

Where did Grandpa work
while he was here?

He sat on the couch, mainly.

Oh, that explains the smell.

Ugh, it so has to go — you know,
as part of the new look.

Which one's that?

The one that presents a more
professional environment for
Judd Security clients.

The one I didn't ask
for and can't afford?

Oh, no, that's OK, cos Aaron's
gonna do it for free.

Eh?
I can't afford you.

No, that's OK, cos I'm gonna
generate my own salary by
generating more business.

I don't have time for more business.

It'll be business
for me to do for you.

You're not a licensed
private investigator.

Neither was Grandpa.
Yeah, but he had a certain set of—

...a certain set of skills,
yes, as a criminal.

but I have my own
certain set of skills.

As a seller of handbags?

That's just one of
the skills in my set.

But now you are late for a meeting
with Mr Costello at the Spa Pool
Warehouse

about the new security gate.
See? I'm useful already.

Don't touch anything.

Ignore him. Keep working.

That thing about this being free...

Oh yeah, we'll talk about it
later. Come on, busy, busy.

Hi, I'm Pascalle, and I'm calling
you from Judd Security to tell you—

DISCONNECTED TONE

Hello?

Are you aware how much business
literally walks out your door
through shoplifting?

Well, what Judd Secur—

DISCONNECTED TONE

(SIGHS FRUSTRATEDLY)

So one of our highly trained
security specialists will
come and train your staff...

Well, yeah, of course it's gonna
cost you money. We are a busin—

DISCONNECTED TONE

What am I wearing? What's
that got to do with anything?

I am trying to do your business
a favour here, you moron.

No, don't you swear
at me, you cocksucker.

(GROWLS)

Oh! (SIGHS)

Can I make a suggestion?

Only if it's a sensible one.

People these days get people calling
them up all the time and asking for
money, and the people are over it

What, so you're saying
I'm wasting my time?

No.

Well, yes, but what I'm suggesting
is maybe if the people on the other
end of the phone could meet you —

you know, see how awesome you are,
then they would bathe their eyes in
your beauty—

Yeah, OK, Aaron, I get the point.

Yeah, but the point is good, no?

It's OK.

So... go talk to them, my lady.

No, a-and wear a sexy
private-investigator
skirt, you know,

with your blouse undone
just a few buttons— ]

No, I think we can do
much better than that.

We can?
Mm.

You've got five minutes. I've got
places to be and bankers to suck
off.

I'm a businesswoman,
and you're a business...

woman, and I think we
can do business together —

business that doesn't
involve Nicky Gregan.

Excuse me? You're a girl,

and what would you have that
we, the collective, need?

How about the sort of protection
that a prick like Gregan can't
give you?

Who says we can't protect ourselves?

Buy me a drink and I'll tell you.

You've got balls,
I'll give you that.

Uh, no, you've got balls,

but I am someone you need.

Cooee. No, that's OK, don't wake up,
but I've brought you a coffee for
when you do —

one of the perks of working with me.

Here's a list of appointments
for this morning, so you carry
on sleeping,

and I'll sort things at the office
and see you there later, OK? Bye.

Wait, what— what things?

Hello.

Oh, hi.

What are you doing?

I am looking for something, and it
is a good thing I am too, because
look what I found.

Did you just barge
right into my room?

It's not like you were doing
anything. You don't have
a husband or sex life.

Well, better than being
an unemployed prison widow.

I am not beholding, and as of today,
I am getting myself a career.

How? ]

With this.

You can't take my camera.

You take my stuff all the time.
No, I don't.

Uh, hello, how else did
Gerry the Giraffe get in here?

Oh, probably wandered in by
accident, mistaking my room
for the wild savannah (!)

He is a toy, Loretta.
Toys don't walk.

And if you can go into my room,
then I can come into yours.

But that's my camera.

I paid for it.

Yeah, but you gave it to me.

So? Now I'm un-giving it.

You can't un-give something.

I'm taking it because you
don't need it and I do,

and it's for a good cause.

Which is...?
To show off me and
my special talent.

Are you gonna film yourself
with your legs behind your ears?

No.
Good. That could go wrong
in all sorts of ways.

You can pour all the scorn you want,
Loretta, but at the end of the day,
my worth will be proved

and you'll still be the same sad,
lonely solo mother that you are in
this moment.

OK, let's get this done.

Um, excuse me, everyone.

Bit of an announcement.
Hayden and I are moving out.

He doesn't live here, anyway.

Well, OK, I'm moving out to Hayden's
place, which will become our place,

and Jane, of course,
will be coming with us.

Isn't Hayden's place getting sold?

Yeah, well, we're buying it
back from the bank, apparently.

Where'd you get the money?

None of your business.

So does this mean you
two are back together?

(SCOFFS)
Yeah, it does.

And it also means we won't be taking
you up on your kind offer of looking
after Jane.

Hayden will be taking
care of all of that.

(CHUCKLES) I can't
look after Jane today.

What?
Well, business stuff's come up. ]

I've got meetings. ]

Are you sure you two are
getting back together?

Yes.
Apparently.

(GROANS) OK, fine.

You can have one more day
with Jane if you want.

Of course.

Little Jane is all we think about.

But if you tether her in any way
to anything, I will take revenge.

Nana Ni-Ni's gonna look after
you, isn't she, pumpkin?

Great backup, Hayden (!)

Hey, you could have talked
to me about it first.

You have nothing else to do.

Today I do.

Are you coming to the auction?

(SIGHS) Have we got the money?

I do, yes.

Sort of. Most of it.

How?

I'll do the talking.

I mean, how did you
get the money, Loretta?

It's not important.

Will I be looking after Jane
while Mummy's in prison for fraud?

It's not your business.

Actually, if we're back
together, yes, it is.

Are we actually back together, by
the way? Or am I merely useful in
your plan to escape Stalag West?

Does it matter?
To me it does.

Otherwise, f*ck it.
Sorry?

Unless you are prepared to give
this marriage a sh*t — you know,
for richer, for poorer—

We didn't do that bit.

Are you prepared to give
this marriage a sh*t, Loretta?

Yes or no?

Yes.

Prove it.

How?

Any way you like.

Just make me believe.

MEL PARSONS' 'IT'S BEEN GOOD'

♪ You're the rock when I just
can't find the rock 'n' roll.

♪ You're the calm in a rough
sea in a rocking boat. ♪

Do you believe?

Yeah.

If you wanna make me
believe some more...

(LAUGHS)

Later. I'm busy.

Thought you'd washed
your hands of me.

Mm, not quite.

There's something you need
to know... about your girls.

What about them?

They're not your girls
any more. They're mine.

(LAUGHS)

Seriously. They work for me now.

You'd be registered with the IRD
as self-employed massage therapists,

and I'd be like your agent,
doing admin, bookings, promotion.

Why?

Because that's what I do, Chastity.

I run businesses, and if you run
yours through me, you'll make more
money.

Yeah, but won't we have to pay tax?

Yes, but we'll only put in
enough to make it look legit,

and you can claim all sorts
of expenses against your tax.

Can you claim dry-cleaning?
Cum stains are such a bitch.

The point is you'll be
legal and above board,

and if anyone tries to give you
sh*t, you'll have the law on
your side. And me.

You sneaky bitch.

No, I'm a businesswoman. I saw
the opportunity and I went for it.

I don't f*cking think so.

Already done, Nicky.

You know nothing about hookers.

And you're an expert, are you (?)

You're a girl.
Better to be a girl than a bully.

So, what do you get out of this?

A small commission.
You earn; I earn.

It's very simple, really.

So do we have a deal in the making?

Bitch.

I'm not entirely heartless, Nicky,
so you'll get a cut — a small cut —
as a finder's fee.

And you think I'm just gonna
sit here... and take this?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

See, here's the thing, Nicky:
should any harm come to me at all,

I would have to take that up with
a certain fluffy person that you
and I both know —

your fiancee and my sister.

You won't send round your muscle
freaks to thr*aten any of the girls,
either,

because if you do, I will make
sure Pascalle knows all about
how you made your money,

and that as well as being a scumbag,
you were also, in short, a pimp.
So we all happy now?

What's this?

This is pre-active marketing.
Uh-huh.

None of the businesses I called
about my anti-shoplifting programme
wanted to talk,

so I'm teaching them a lesson.

A lesson in what?

In what they need to know.

You stole all this stuff??

No, I borrowed it and for a purpose.

OK, start filming.

All over it.

Aaron, are you pointing
the camera at my tits?

No.

And action.

Hi, I'm Pascalle from Judd Security,
and I wanna show you something
shocking.

In just five minutes in your store,
without you or any of your staff
noticing,

I managed to make off
with all of these goods.

Heaps and heaps of dollars worth
of goods just walking right out
the door.

But you're just lucky they walked
out with me, because I'm gonna give
you a chance to get it all back

in return for just five
minutes of your time.

So we made a tape for each of the
stores, and we're gonna send those
tapes,

along with this letter explaining
our Stop the Lifting programme

and a picture of the stuff
that I took so they know
I'm not bullshitting.

They're gonna get the
letter, and then ring me,

and if they want their stuff back,
they can come and get it, and sign
up for our programme. Genius, eh?

Or they'll call the cops and the
police will come and arrest you
for shoplifting and blackmail.

No, it's not blackmail.
It's pre-active marketing.
I'm making business for us.

No, you're not. You've giving me
a f*cking headache is what you're
doing. Jesus, Pascalle!

No one will want anything to
do with this company once word of
this lamebrained scheme gets out.

Well, I was just using
my skills for good.

I'm just trying to help
and get a job, too.

I know, Pascalle.

How many other bidders are there?

None.
Oh, excellent. Easy for us, then.

No, there's a small problem.
Actually, it's a big f*cking
problem.

How the f*ck did that happen?

Couple walked in before the auction,
made a ridiculous offer, which the
bank's accepted.

They can't do that.

They can. That's what that
'unless sold prior'—

I know what it means, but
they can't do it to us.

Hayden, let me go! I am gonna
rip them new arseholes!

No, you're gonna walk away with me
now before you as*ault someone and
I live to regret it.

Are we clear on that?

Oh, yes, OK. Fine.

(GRUNTS)

BALLOON POPS ]

(GRUNTS)

BALLOON POPS

(GRUNTS)

f*cking sh*t!

Or you could do that.

Everything that was
taken is in this bag.

We'll call it a marketing
exercise gone wrong.

No, it wasn't.

Or call it youthful enthusiasm -
whatever works for you.

Or call it a wake-up call.
Pascalle, maybe we should—

Mr Bunsen, do you know how easy it
is to nick stuff from this place?

Do you know how much of
your stock goes missing

because everybody knows Bunsen's the
Chemist is, like, the softest target
in town?

sh*t, half the girls I went to
Shadbolt High with never paid for
lippy the whole time we were there.

We have had trouble with Shadbolt
girls in the past. Low-life slags.

Not all of them. (LAUGHS)

There was this one girl, can't
remember her name — she hid the
stuff in her boots.

Oh, that's terrible.

Uh, Mr Bunsen, I would hate for
my employee to get into trouble
for being overzealous.

So, how much?

Not to press charges?

No, for the course.

Oh, Mr Bunsen, you so
will not regret this.

You have to admit it — these people
are my people and I know how to deal
with them.

Except for the two that
wanted you locked up.

Focus on the positive —

the four who signed up
for my course so far.

Your course?

You're not qualified to take it.

You're not an employee
of this company.

But you said that I was.
When?

When you told Mr Bunsen I was
an overzealous employee.

Oh, that was to stop
him calling the cops.

(SIGHS) Look, Wayne, I know that
you don't get my methods. Not many
people do.

But they can work for you
if I'm working for you.

These business, they need the
protection from Judd Security.

And— And once they do my course,
they're gonna know that.

You know, this is just
the beginning, Wayne.

(SIGHS)

Pay's lousy and the hours are crap.

Oh, yay! I knew you'd
come to your senses.

So that's it? I'm out on the scrap
heap, then, traded in for a younger
model.

Ted, you've got home detention.

So? ]
So you can't come into the office. ]

Discrimination against the
elderly, that's what it is.

You're lucky I've got other irons
in the fire, otherwise I'd go you.

Righto.

Top up?

Yes, please.

She'll be piss-useless
compared to me.

I would never compare
anyone to you, Ted.

Ngaire, can I have a wee word?

Of course, my dear.

It's just... the next time I see
you using Jane as a decoy for
when you're shoplifting,

I will break your fingers.

I have no idea what you mean.

I mean, I will break your
fingers if you do it again.

Good?

Now, can I give you
a hand with dinner?

Oh, I'm fine, thank you.

[ TED: I thought you
two had buggered off.

Change of plans, Ted.

Slight hiccup, that's all.

Didn't get the house?

(SIGHS) There'll be plenty of other
houses. It's just a matter of
finding the right one,

but until we do, we will be
staying here — temporarily.

I hope you don't
expect me to babysit.

Ngaire, that is the last
thing I expect you to do.

Did you show her who's boss?

Yeah, something like that.

Good boy. Have a drink, son.

You look like you need this.

This is temporary.
Yep.

We will escape.

We'll start tunnelling
in the morning.

And we need some ground rules.
Absolutely.

Mm, what are you doing?

Discussing ground
rules with my wife.

Hayden, we need to keep our
businesses totally separate.

Agreed.

(GIGGLES)

So don't ask me what I'm doing,
because I won't tell you.

And I won't tell you what I'm doing.

Not that you're doing anything.

I have some very big plans.

Like f*cking my wife.

(GASPS)

OK. (GASPS)

HELLO SAILOR'S
'GUTTER BLACK' PLAYS

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.' ♪

MUSIC CONTINUES