06x04 - Make Mad the Guilty and Appal the Free

[bunniefuu]

I did it. I wanna plead guilty
and have this over with.

You're remanded for
sentencing in seven weeks.

You were defending your daughter,
like any good mother would.
That's what I loved about you.

Now, it is a tragedy that you
have given up on your kids,

that you can't be arsed
fighting for them or me.

So this vacating my plea —
is it too late?

No.
Let's do it, then.

I need a job, and I need
to earn something.

Pay's lousy and the hours are crap.

Oh! Yay! I knew you'd
come to your senses.

Man, whoever said it was easy
running a home and having
a career is so lying. Ow!

And by 'career' you do mean the
pity job that Wayne gave you, right?

Weren't you setting the table?

If I thought you were going to
cook something edible, I might.

How is Mum?

Well, she's, uh, happy.

Define 'happy'.

You're not meant to
be happy in prison.

That'll be because some butch d*ke
prison guard has made her her bitch.

What?!
(GROANS) Grandpa's been
watching vintage p*rn again.

With Ngaire away at her daughter's,
I have to fill the time somehow.

Not when I'm doing the laundry.

What? You're watching p*rn
downstairs in my office?

I wiped up afterwards.
(GROANS)

Prison Vixens on Heat — all you
need to know about Slutty's life.

Cheryl's not anyone's bitch.

Why is she happy if she's
not getting her rug munched?

Well, she has her reasons.

What did Bailey say about the
change-of-plea application?

Why are you more interested
in Mary Watene than me?

I know where this is heading.

No, you don't.

You know Scary Mary?
Scary Mary?

Yeah, that's what
we call her in here.

She did knock me out once when
I arrested her brother. Good
right hook.

Yeah, she's some psycho.

She's got it in for Debz.

SOTTO VOCE: That's Debz. Nice girl.
Not too bright. Dodgy taste in
boyfriends.

Cheryl, I know you're bored...

No, I'm not.

Oh dear.
Yeah.

What?

Do not start meddling
with other people's lives.

I do not meddle.

Oh, sh*t.

She's found a whole new family —
one who can't get away from her.
God help them.

I still think the
rug-munching's on the cards.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

WOMAN MOANS, SEXY MUSIC PLAYS
ON COMPUTER

Hey, get a load of this.

WOMAN MOANS ON COMPUTER

Oh boy, that's definitely a load.

Munts and I used to do that, till
my big fat belly meant I can't bend
over any more.

Don't worry, honey. Munter will
be able to take you like that
again soon.

Morning, ladies.

WOMAN CONTINUES
MOANING ON COMPUTER

sh*t, it's frozen.

So, why is there a big
black cock on the computer?

It's kind of like a screensaver.

I don't pay you to watch p*rn.

We call it research.

I don't care what you call it.
You're here to work.

We've done what needs to be done.

Current orders are
shipped and up to date.

Paperwork's sorted and filed.

So design something.

I've got designs. Did you change
your mind about the baby range?

We're not making
Hoochie Mama for kids.

Oh, but cute little bubba outfits.

No. There's no money in it.

Well, there's nothing left but p*rn.

And booze, but after lunch.

Want something to do? Fill
out these unpaid accounts.

Uh, strictly speaking,
that's your job.

Now I'm making it yours.

Angel, call the AA
and get a f*cking taxi.

You're my f*cking
manager. Just do it.

OK, OK, calm down.
I'll be there soon.

It's only an hour , but they
didn't muck about in those days.

From the lady judge with the
grudge to the g*ng-bang climax,

they set a new benchmark
in the girl-on-girl genre.

What are you doing?
Spooling up.

Grandpa, this is my office.

It was my screening room before it
was your office, and you're off out.

Yeah, I'll be back.

We can wait if you want.

(GROANS) No, I don't want.

Ooh, you're in for a real
treat here, Sonny Jim.

Since when did he
get to be Sonny Jim?

Since he showed an interest
in the golden age of cinema.

But he's Hayden 'Poofter' Peters.

I'm taking him in hand.

Not literally.

So you're seriously gonna sit down
here and watch Prison Vixens on Heat
with my grandpa?

Yeah. That was the general plan.

OK, I know you're of a similar
generation, but does that not
strike you as both sad and wrong?

It has got Foxy Morgan in it.

Who?

Really, you try to educate them.

She's like a living legend.
She's the... Meryl Streep of p*rn.

Oh, does she do accents (?)

She can do things with her
twat you wouldn't believe.

That's the thing with a widescreen —
you really get the full impact.

(GROANS) OK, I'm gone.

Make sure you pack up
when you're... finished.

Lovely jubbly.

Ooh.

Uh, yeah, I might
give that a miss, Ted.

Don't be a nancy all your life.

Hey, Becks, can you chuck
us down the other sugar?

(SCOFFS) Christ, what kind of
hotel are they running here?

Hey. Hey!

Give that back, you slag.

Here you are, love.

That was mine.
No, no, it was hers. You
took it, so I gave it back.

There's no crunchy — only smooth.

Oh, my heart bleeds for you (!)

You're the one who'll
end up bleeding, bitch.

I've seen off worse trolls than you,
Mary, so why don't you be a good
girl, leave Debz the f*ck alone,

sit down and eat your breakfast?

You think you run this place
just cos you k*lled a cop?
Up-yourself cow.

Least I'm not a fat, stupid slag who
gets her kicks picking on people who
can't fight back.

f*ck you!

THWACK!
WOMEN YELL

f*ck you, you bully! Pick on someone
your own size next time, you f*cking
bully!

I had you pegged as
brighter than this, Cheryl.

I got this thing about bullies.

It's a prison. It's full of bullies.
Are you going to take on each one?

Not it if I can help it.

Well, that's a relief, because
I really do prefer things nice
and quiet.

Yeah, that's working for you (!)

You have something to say?

There's peace and quiet, and then
there's a bunch of women out there
dying of boredom.

Well, it's a remand prison. What do
you expect? Day trips to the zoo (?)

Well, I just think there are some
things you could be doing around
here.

You're telling me
how to run my prison?

No, no. I've just noticed
some stuff. That's all.

Uh-huh.

A bit more variety on the breakfast
spreads wouldn't hurt for starters.
They're always out of peanut butte,

but that's not the most important
thing compared to the boredom.
That's where your trouble starts.

Thank you for that insight (!)

I'm not getting at you. The women
could do with of entertainment.

Maybe we could put on a musical (!)

Look,... (SIGHS) I'm just saying
if you want me, say, to organise
something just for an evening,

I might have just the thing. M-My
company used to host these parties—

This would be the company you had
before you k*lled a police officer.

Innocent until proven guilty.

Last time I looked, you were
guilty awaiting sentencing.

I'm changing my plea.

Oh, that's very noble of you (!)

Now, you might think you're a wee
bit special, Cheryl West the cop
k*ller.

But as far as I'm concerned, you're
no different to any of the others.
So pull your head in.

I'll have a word, but you may have
noticed that once she gets an idea
in her head, it's hard to shift.

What's Slutty done now?

Something about hitting another
prisoner with a breakfast tray.

She was fighting back as the
head bull d*ke tried to claim her.

Grandpa, you're talking
about my mother.

She's someone's girlfriend now.

Prison Vixens on Heat
is not a documentary.
You'll see.

OK, thanks, Bailey. You do what
you can, and I'll do what I can.

Yep, see you.
PHONE BEEPS

It was in the shower, wasn't it?
What?

Cheryl and the bull d*ke.

Why would a breakfast
tray be in the shower?

Your mother is bloody lucky
she's locked away in prison,
or I'd strangle her.

Can't she keep out of
other people's sh*t?

Wayne, you know the answer to that.

How hard can it be? Keep quiet, keep
your head down and get out of there.

Before some lezzy guard
sticks a truncheon up—

Grandpa!

(GROANS)

WOMEN CHATTER

Hey, Cheryl.
Hey.

Hey, thanks for before, eh.

Oh, no worries.

I wish I could be more like you.

Ha!

Just, um, don't let
it get to you, OK?

It's lucky I won't be in here long.

Eh? Aren't you in here for
possession of meth for supply?

Yeah, but Brock says they go much
easier on women, so I'll probably
just get home D.

It's a class A drug.

But I haven't got any convictions.

Yeah, but you were
supplying a class A drug.

No, I wasn't.

What are you in here for, then?

I was holding them for Brock.

Right, cos they go so
much easier on women (!)

Exactly.
You got yourself a real
winner there, Debz (!)

I reckon.

He dumped you in it because he was
too chicken sh*t to take the fall.

No, he's not. And, no, he didn't.

I offered to take the dr*gs when
Brock said the cops were after him.

What the f*ck did you do
a fool thing like that for?

If he says everything's gonna
be sweet, then I believe him.

Well, maybe it's time you stopped.
You don't know anything.

Right. You'll have at least five
years to work that one out, Debz.

f*ck you, Cheryl.
Stay out of my business.

Yeah, well, I'm really sorry you
had to cancel your trip to Fiji,
Kevin (!)

But when do you
think you can pay us?

Yeah, yeah, you said that before,
so I'm taking it as 'not at any
time soon', then.

Yeah, nice talking to you too (!)

Kevin reckons the Love Connection's
about to go under.

As if!

I saw him last week with his
girlfriend, and she just got
new implants in Thailand.

But she was already a double-D.

Yeah, well, she's a double-G now.

Bitch. And there he was
almost crying down the phone.

Yeah. f*cking w*nk*r.

Bullshit artist.

Hey, let's really give him
something to cry about.

Cheryl, I need you to read this.

What, all of it?

Yep, all of it.

Why?

So that if the judge happens to ask
you a question, you can respond how
we want.

Why would the judge want
to ask me a question?

About your previous lawyer.

Des? He was great.

No. No, he wasn't.

Yeah, he was.

Cheryl, you need to concentrate
on what I'm saying. Hey, this
isn't a done deal.

You don't just walk in and go,
'Whoops, Your Honour. We forgot to
say "not" before we said "guilty".'

You didn't know what you were doing.

Oh, yes, I did.

No. Des put you wrong.

And this is a serious
miscarriage of justice.

Look, he's being a sport about
this, so you have to play along.

By reading this?
Yes.

OK, on one condition.
Sorry?

There's a girl in here —
Debz, short for Debra, I guess.

Last name Blakemore, but
you can work that out.

Can you check the case against her?
The stupid girl is taking the rap—

No.
What do you mean no?

Look, this is the rest of your life
we're talking about here, Cheryl.

I'm not wasting time on some kid you
feel sorry for. Just read the bloody
thing.

Now, you have these people you
need to ring and did you talk
to Mr Cooper?

Yes, I saw Mr Cooper.

And did you tell Mr Cooper that
it was his brother-in-law that
was taking all the petty cash?

Yes, I told him.

I so knew it. And
I've been thinking...
What, Pascalle?

The next time you need
somebody to watch somebody—

You've got your seminars.
I've only got one this week.

You just need to watch to
see if people are dodgy.

I have loads of experience
watching dodgy people from
living with Loretta and Grandpa.

No. You're not licensed.

I thought the whole point of having
me was to lessen your load.

Well, you are by filing
and answering the phones.

Being the eye candy.

No, there's way more
to me than eye candy.

Well, you've also got
a sexy phone manner.

So can I go now?

If you say you'll think about it.

I've thought about it, and no.

Man, he so does not
get my potential.

You're not going anywhere, ever.
f*ck off!

Oi! Fatso, didn't you get
the message last time?

Piss off, slack-tits.
Get away from her.

I'm just trying to get through
to this girl that's all.

Yeah, whatever. Now f*ck off.

You f*ck off! She needs to realise
her man's shacked up with someone
else.

That is bullshit. He is not.

Yeah, yeah. It's all right, love.
It's true.

Yeah, you love making
this poor kid cry.

He's with my slut of a cousin
Shayla. She told me herself.

Shayla's a lying bitch.

They're laughing at you being stupid
enough to take the rap for him.

OK. Enough.

Now piss off.

He wouldn't do that. He loves me.

Yeah.
He does.

Yeah, he does, love.
He does. It's all right.

God, I miss alcohol.

One sip won't k*ll you
or the sprog. You need it.

I hope there's a reason for you
dragging me here and not being
at work.

We are at work.
Don't d*ck me around.

We just wanted to tell you
that we are O for awesome.

And X for excellent.

Guess who got the Love Connection
to pay their bill in full?

In cash.

How'd you do that?
By being O for awesome.

And X for excellent.

Hi, Kevin.
Afternoon.

Hi, Kevin. ]

Of course we got the
same old bullshit.

But there's a big difference between
that and lying to two beautiful,
determined women in the flesh.

We know you've got the money.

And I've got kids and dogs and
bills to pay. So hand it over
before things get ugly.

Rochelle, we don't generally
thr*aten our clients.

Well, it just depends on what
you thr*aten them with. (GIGGLES)

You see, Kasey here is pregnant.

Very pregnant.

And she needs the money you owe us
to buy things for her unborn baby.

Oh! (GROANS)

Are you OK, sweet?

It's, uh, probably just one of
those Brixton Hacks contractions.

Maybe she'll have the baby here,
Kevin, on your shop floor.

All that mess, all the publicity
about how a pregnant lady went
into labour

while she waited for the money
you owe. Oh my God, Kevin.

It's all right. It's just
my friend here in labour.

And he went for that sh*t?

Well, Kasey was very convincing.

Are you all right, sweet?
Oh!

Don't push. Whatever you do, do not
push! Suck it up! Suck it up! Suck
it up! Suck it up! Suck it up!

Breathe, breathe deep— Oh my God,
did you just feel a splash in your
pants?

(MOANS LOUDLY)

He offered us a cheque,
but we said we'd prefer cash.

Well, good work.

Not so useless now, are we?

And we've still got two more
places to hit this afternoon.

Oh well, go for it, girls.

Make me proud.

GLASSES CLINK

Pascalle's actually working out all
right, not that I'd tell her that.

So I gave her the bash instead
to knock some sense into her.

Right.

Oh, why do I bother?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's...
It's just them.

You see that loser
over there — Brock?

What does he matter?
I need you to check up on him.

Oh for god's...
No, no, no. I need to know.

No, you don't.

His name's Brock — Henley, I think.
But he's shagging Mary's cousin
Shayla, or so Mary says.

Good luck to him.

No, the stupid girl, she loves him
so much she's taking the rap for
him.

I mean, if he's screwing around
on her, then she deserves to know.

Why? Because it'll make her
life so much better in here (?)

No, she believes he loves her.

Spinning her all this crap. Stupid
girl needs to come to her senses.

You know what? I don't give a sh*t
about Brocks or Debz. I care about
you.

Now pull your head in and
mind your own f*cking business.

STEADY THUMPING

Who knew it was bloody possible?
She's even more frustrating inside
than she was out here.

Prison does strange things
to the female mind.

Don't you start.

She just cares about
people. That's all.

The licky-lick begins.

It'll be because she's worried
about herself that she's worried
about Debz and Brock thingy.

Henley.

So this, um, Shayla chick —
she's a Watene, right?

Oh, no, Pascalle. No, you don't.
What?

What is it with West women sticking
your noses where they're not wanted?
Don't even think about going ther.

Well, I could just make
a few discreet enquiries.
What, you?

Yeah, work experience,
and it'll keep Mum happy.

No. The less she knows, the less
she has to get bloody rarked up
about it. Stay out of it.

OK, OK.

Your mother will be rarked up enough
with all the fisting she's getting.

Ew!
Right, that's it.
No bloody dinner for you.

(SNIFFS)

LAUGHTER

Who would have figured?

We are so, so hot.

(LAUGHS GLEEFULLY)

Do you think it's safe having
all that cash in the Rusty Nail?

Maybe not while Loretta's here.
Ha, ha (!)

Anyone takes this money from us
and we will take it right back,
cos that's what we do.

Boo-yah.

Because you're so scary?

Because I have baby belly
and she has amazing tits.

No, you do, hun. You do.

Two weapons that have always
the fear of God into me.

No, seriously, we have
found our calling.

Oh, I didn't know there
was a church for slappers.

Just ignore her.

She's weird, and we are the coolest.

Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

Where'd you get the cash?

We've been going everywhere
that owes Hoochie money,

and everyone's coughed up.

Being asked to pony up
by a pregnant woman—

With her attractive friend
at her side as eye candy.

People just can't refuse us.

Hang on, are you two
Jethro's standover b*tches?

Did you just call us b*tches?

I think Loretta was
saying she's impressed.

Is he paying you for this?

Dur, Loretta, we already
work for Hoochie.

BOTH: Dur!

But shouldn't you be getting a
cut of all the money you recoup,

especially since you're
taking all the risks?

I mean, if Mr Big Fat Tight-Arse
hired an actual debt-collection
agency to do his dirty work,

they'd be on a commission.

Just something to think about.

You've got no qualms about stirring
up sh*t for your brother, do you?

Oh, he's a w*nk*r. He deserves it.

sh*t.
I'm impressed.

Don't sound so surprised.

Do you want us to get the rest?

Of course.
In that case, we need to talk.

About our cut.

(LAUGHS) Your cut of what?
The money.

We deserve a cut of
everything we collect.

But the money that you're collecting
is owed to the company that pays
your wages,

so effectively you
already get a cut.

When?
When I pay your wages.

No, this is over and above what
we normally do for Hoochie Mama.

So, what, I should just pay you
guys to sit around on your fat
arses watching p*rn?

Are you saying our arses are fat?

No.
Well, it sounded like it to me.

Yeah, and if my arse is a tad bit
chunky, Jethro, it's because I'm
pregnant, OK?

There's an extra pint of blood,
and then there's all the fluids.

It was a figure of speech.

It was a speech about our figures.

Look, I'm sorry.

I really appreciate what
you guys are doing.

Just not enough to cut
us or our fat arses in.

Cos I already pay your wages.

So that's a no, then?

Yes.

Well, excuse us if we take
our fat arses somewhere else.

Back to work, please.

Fat or not, you're still watching
them as they walk out the door.

No, actually.

Oh, I thought you had a meeting with
that guy from the Sea Scouts Hall
job.

Done, dusted. Why is your
desk covered in all this sh*t?

Oh, I was just gonna tidy that up.

Why is it here at all?

Well, strictly speaking,
it's evidence.

Of what?

In the... (MUTTERS)
Henley-Watene case.

Pascalle, I told you
not to get involved!

I wasn't going to, but then
I thought it'd be good practice,

and then I was so glad I did,
because they are so busted.

I mean, finding Brock's address was
the hardest part, but amazingly it
was listed in the phone book, so...

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

MUSIC CONTINUES

LUSTFUL GROANING, PANTING ]

LUSTFUL GROANING, PANTING ]

PHONE CLICKS

Oh yeah.

BOTH GROAN, PANT ]

Do you wanna see pictures?

No, Pascalle, you can't
be doing this sh*t.

But taking pictures as
evidence is what we do.

No, it's whatIdo.

Excuse me, but I have
done a great job,

and I've got more than enough
evidence to prove that Brock
is a low-life maggot

who dumped Debz for a class A skank,
who is living there, by the way.

Exhibit A: an empty
tammy box, economy size.

And if that is not all, exhibit B:
addressed to Shayla Watene at his
address.

She is getting her benefit sent—
You stole their mail?

If they're not gonna bother taking
it in, then they deserve to lose it.

It's illegal, Pascalle.

If Debz is one of those pathetic
girls who don't see they're in love
with a loser, I show her exhibit C:

the other slut's undies off the
line, and that's your smoking g*n
right there.

OK, fine, it ends here, and none of
this sh*t gets anywhere near Cheryl.

Oh, you've already talked
to Cheryl, haven't you?

Well...

Here it is, my full written report.

Oh, for God's sake, Pascalle.

She was really grateful and
appreciative of my work.

Wow, you're really good
at this detective stuff.

Well, I do have certain natural
talents, and I'm pretty good at
observing stuff.

Do you wanna see the photos?

Uh-huh.

Thanks a bunch (!)
That's really gonna help (!)

I know that you think you know Mum,

but so do I, and maybe all this
interfering in other people's lives

is to distract her from her own
life to make her feel better.

RELUCTANTLY: Yeah, maybe.

And I did an awesome job, eh?

Eh?

It's so weird watching these
complete strangers going at
it — hard at it.

And I know that the guy is
a cheating man-ho, but he
had quite a good bod,

and then it make me
think of you and me.

Yeah? How?

Well, you know, it's so hard that
you're in here, and I'm out there,
and how lonely I get.

You wanna sleep with other guys?
Is that what you're saying?

No, I would never ever cheat on you.

Cos I know that you would
never ever, ever cheat on me.

(CHUCKLES) Well, not in here.

(GASPS)

Or ever.

No, never.

We're much better than those losers,
cos what we've got is just beautiful
and special and spiritual,

don't you think?
(GASPS) Mm-hmm.

(EXHALES)

Mm-hmm.

For sure.

Do you have any tissues?
I think I'm out.

Not on me.

OK, this could be
a little bit awkward.

Wow, you two want my advice.

Don't get all la-di-da about it.

Like making smart-alec comments.

Oh, where's the fun in that, then?

Your brother's a rude prick.

Tell me something I don't know.

We asked him for a cut like
you said, and he said no.

Oh, colour me shocked (!)

And he said we had fat arses.

And you so better not agree.

Since when have I agreed with
Jethro about anything? But why
are you here?

We want to have a concrete proposal.

If it involves encasing him in
concrete, you have my support.

We wanna know how much to ask for.

As, like, a percentage
of what we collect.

OK, I can actually go
one better than that.

How about I hire you to collect some
money that I'm owed, and I'll give
you c in every dollar?

.
, but it's a few grand,
so your cut won't be small,

and it'll show Jethro
that you mean business.

OK, so who's the mark?
The mark?

Who you want the money from.

His name...

is Jethro West.

Yeah, but he's our boss.

Who said you had fat arses and who
still owes me a shitload of money
from winding up Excellence.

What do you reckon?

I suppose as long as we don't do
it during our Hoochie Mama time.

[ Like lunchtime.
He did say our arses were fat.

I know it's sh*t.

But it's important that you know the
truth. If it helps, I know what it's
like.

I was in love with a guy like Brock
once. Did a whole pile of sh*t for
him and covered for him.

Turned out he had this whole other
family I didn't know anything about.

Just don't throw your life away
on someone who's not worth it.

So what are you saying I should do?

I dunno.

Tell the truth about
whose dr*gs they were?

To the cops?

(EXHALES)

You just don't deserve
to be in here.

But I love him.

I know you do, sweetie. I—

Don't call me sweetie like
I'm some sort of ret*rd.

You're not. I'm not.

This is bullshit! Brock loves me,
and he wants to marry me when I
get out.

Oh, Jesus, love.

f*ck you, you interfering bitch.

WOMEN SHOUT, CHEER

Ow, ow, ow!

You think you're hot sh*t,
but you don't know anything!

Calm down, love.

I hope you die in prison,
you cop-k*lling bitch!

SMACK!

WOMEN CHEER

I was just trying to help,
you stupid girl.

Oh yes.

WOMEN CHEER

Is there something I should know
which explains why other inmates
keep attacking you?

I was just trying to help
someone, that's all.

Trying to save the world,
one life at a time?

One life, one girl.

Big f*cking mistake.

I'm sorry you find this place so
boring you need to find ways to
stay amused.

No, no, no, that's not it.

Do not speak while I am speaking.

You will listen to me, and you will
not do anything that pisses me off,
or heaven help me, I'll...

You are not here to save people.
You are not here to crusade about
breakfast spreads or boredom.

You are here because you
k*lled a police officer,

and that is all you are to me —
someone who doesn't deserve the
time of day.

Do not come to my attention
ever again. Do you understand?

(CHUCKLES) Do you understand?

Yeah.

Good. Now we're heading
in the right direction.

But, um, Mum was helping Debz.
Why would she att*ck her?

Slutty has that affect on people.

Or maybe some people just don't
want to be bloody helped.

Or it could be foreplay.

Bloody West women will
be the death of me.

Whoopsie.

Do you love Mummy? (GIGGLES)

What are you guys doing here?

Eating lunch.
It's lunchtime.

We need to keep eating so our arses
stay nice and fat. Oh, we're also
here on business.

Private business in our own time.

For those willing to
pay us what we're worth.

This is a joke, right?
No.

You're collecting money for Loretta?

And she's paying us
a commission we're worth.

Whatever percentage of nothing
you get still adds up to nothing.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure, thanks, Kase.

Then you won't mind if we wait
until you change your mind.

Wait as long as you want.
Still not gonna happen.

Fair enough.

Don't say you weren't warned.
About what?

Who's a good little girl? Yes,
you are. You're Mummy's little girl.

Your rug's gonna att*ck me (?)

Oh, no, you wouldn't do that,
would you, sweetheart? No.

But you know what they say, Jethro —
that a dog's bark is worse than her
bite?

Well, there are some things
worse than a dog's bite, Jethro.

Yeah, if you say so.

Yeah, sweetheart. ]

Oh, Jesus Christ, what's that?

That is Lucky.

Oh, sh*t. What's wrong with it?
Has it got a disease or something?

No, I think it's a complication
with her bowel surgery. She leaks.
Don't you, my little sweetheart?

It seems to get worse when
she's happy for some reason.
Yeah, like now.

You do. But it doesn't really bother
me any more, because I'm used to it.

Being pregnant, you
get mucus secretions.

But with some people,
it makes them wanna puke.

Aren't you a naughty
smelly dog? Yes, you are.

Get out.

No, you said we could stay.

Excuse me.

Ooh, you wouldn't push past
a pregnant woman, would you?

You could give us Loretta's money.

That might work.

You're my sweetheart, aren't you?

Oh Jesus. Oh Christ.

Mummy loves you.
Mummy loves you so much.

A cheque?

He didn't have the cash on him.

It's made out to cash.
What's your problem?

It's a Jethro cheque.
He probably cancelled it.

Oh no. He knows what'll happen
if he tries that sh*t on us.

It'll clear. You'll see.

Well, Jethro never pays up.
What did you guys do to him?

Trade secret.

It's the same thing we'll do to you
if you stiff us on the commission.

Don't find out the hard way.

Well, you'll get the commission
when the cheque clears.

It'll clear.

sh*t. If you guys can
prise money out of Jethro,

there is a big future for you
in this debt-collection game.

We know. Now say thank you.

When the cheque clears.

Oh, I hate this place.
I hate it with a passion.

I know. It's remand — the
hell where nothing happens.

I wanna scream so something happens.

Scream all you want. Just stay
out of other people's lives.

I get it. I do.

You promise me?

Yeah, I promise.

I miss you, Mrs West.

I miss you too.

Then let's get you out of here.

I hope so.

f*ck, I hope so.

Stay the hell away from me.

I'm really sorry about getting you
in the sh*t yesterday. I kinda lost
it, eh.

Apology accepted.

You were right about Brock.

Great, now piss off.

Oh, sh*t.

Hey, Cheryl.

Mary.

I'm gonna tell my lawyer
the truth about the dr*gs.

I know where he cooks,
so that could help.

Mary reckons I'll walk, eh?

Mm.

Did I, um...? Did I
miss something here?

I guess.

Stay away from me.

Come on.

It's OK.

Well, we went back to Mary's cell,
and she was real supportive.

She even offered to have Shayla's
legs broken for me. And then
I started to cry and...

Mary was real sweet.

What happened to the whole
bully routine, then?

Well, Mary's not really
good at meeting new people.

Yeah, I'm shy, eh.

(SCOFFS)
Not any more.

Well, f*ck me. Not an
instruction, by the way.

Well, I can't wait to be there when
Brock hears you've changed teams.

Next time he visits.

We get Shayla along.

Should be quite a show.

Yeah.

Yeah, could be.

Did you actually read it?

Didn't understand half of it.

It'll make sense to the judge.
So you stand there. Do not
speak unless spoken to.

I can do that.

But I need a favour.

No. No new cot-case clients.

No, not that kind of favour.
A more... bending-the-rules kind of
favour. You can do that, can't you?

Don't say anything.
You understand me?

And empty your pockets of dope. The
last thing we need is some drug dog
going crazy cos you two walked in.

Mm-mm.
They have drug dogs at court?

Doesn't matter. Just do it, OK?

Can't really see Cheryl as one who'd
seek her pleasure down in Tuna Town.

Oh, I can.

HAYDEN: Who said p*rn couldn't
be thought-provoking, eh?

To Prison Vixens on Heat.

ALL: Prison Vixens on Heat.

For God's sake, give the 'Mum
is a lesbian' thing a rest. She's
about as much of a lesbian as I am.

That's something to think about.

Well, you don't get much
mother-and-daughter p*rn these days.

Ladies.
Thought you would have
brought us our money by now.

Maybe I haven't cashed the cheque.

We all know you went
straight to the bank.

Maybe Jethro cancelled it.
Don't let this turn nasty, Loretta.

Just kidding.

Here you go. And I have a proposal
for you, if you're interested.

Yeah, we're listening.

OK, if you can get
money out of Jethro,

you clearly have a talent in this
debt-collection area, and it is
a growth industry these days.

Tell us about it.
How about I manage you?

I'll find you clients and then set
you loose to do whatever voodoo it
is that you do —

for a percentage, of course.
I'm sorry.

Come on, it is a great idea.

No, it is. It's just...

Morning, ladies.

You went with Jethro?
Sure did.

It was the same deal
you were talking about.

But Jethro is a w*nk*r,

and he said you had fat arses.
I would never say that.

But he apologised.
But he didn't mean it.

But it was what he said afterwards
that was really important.

See, the way I see it, with me
in the background and you two
out front with your talent,

we could be like the Charlie's
Angels of debt collecting.

Ooh, I could be Farrah.

God rest her soul.
Why can't I be Farrah?

You're not blonde.
Yeah, but there were no Poly Angels.

Lucy Liu.
Oh, she's an Asian.

What about Jaclyn Smith?
She's brunette.

(CHUCKLES)

He bought you off with
Charlie's dumb-arse Angels?

Have you got a better offer?

Don't say some obscure French film.
Charlie's Angels rules.

Yeah, the original.
No, the movie was OK too.

OK, Ted, two rules: don't lose
Jane and no watching p*rn with her.

OK, OK.

Now, everyone's as ready as
they'll ever be, even Van.

OK, let's do this.

Uh, and I'm sorry if
I made things worse.

You are your mother's daughter.
Comes with the territory.

Watch for signs of
muff-diving. (CACKLES)

f*ck, she's hot.

Mm.

But not as hot as the mother of my
child. Have you nailed her yet, bro?

Well, n-no, cos she's been real
busy. But when this is all over,
I'm gonna—

Chezza, Chezza! Hi, hi!
Cheryl! Hi! (BLOWS KISS)

Oh my God, you'd think she'd
at least wear something nice
for the judge.

VAN: Psst, Bailey. ]

(CHUCKLES)

Overalls — truly the
look of the Lebanese.

All rise for His Honour.

You may proceed, uh, Miss Wilson.

Your Honour, in the matter of the
Crown and Cheryl Marie West, we seek
to vacate my client's plea of guilt

on the grounds there's
a miscarriage of justice.
You've received my submissions—

Yes, Miss Wilson, and
I have one or two questions.

Certainly, Your Honour.

On page four, you raise
Atkins and Police.

How is this relevant to the matter?

My client appealed for a bail
hearing, and at this time no
plea was called for.

TWINKLY MUSIC

BAILEY SPEAKS DISTANTLY

...of Rohmer and Hanson, the
Appeal Court decided the defendant's
ignorance was a key factor

[ and that counsel was remiss in
not warning his client. This is
the precedent,

and if you refer to
Their Honours' ruling—

Yes, yes, I have it here.

So what does this mean?
Is this a yes or a no?

I don't know.

All right. (CLEARS THROAT)

Considering this and your own
presentations on the matter,... ]

I'm prepared to grant
your application.

SOTTO VOCE: Yes.

The defendant's plea will be set
aside, and you will be notified
of a date for hearing the matter.

Thank you, Your Honour.

All rise. ]

Was that it?
Yes, it is.

Did we win?
[ Yes, we did.

We did?
Does this mean they're
gonna let her out?

Not quite.
See you soon, Chezza. Bye.

See you soon. See you soon.

We'll only be a few minutes.

Did you bring the stuff?

We did it.

Did you bring what I asked you to?

Nothing any good lawyer
wouldn't do for her client.

(GASPS) Good girl.

Come on, you can give me a hand.

Quick, do it up.

What if they notice you're
much fatter and search you?

Don't worry. I've bribed
the guard with a cami set.

f*ck, how does this go? Oh yeah,
quick. This one, this one.

(LAUGHS)

OK.

Did you see Mum?
Yes, I did.

Oh, she must be so much happier now.

Could say that.

Everyone's invited themselves
over for a roast to celebrate
your victory.

I was gonna do pork, but I've
decided to slaughter and roast
Ted instead.

Hey, baby.
Hey, babe.

Jesus, Cheryl, I thought
you'd given this up.

No, no, it's all good.

Actually, Ted, you'll like this
next bit. It's right up your alley.

What's that?

I've got a surprise for you.

What's that?

(CLAPS RHYTHMICALLY)

THE DATSUNS' 'YOUR BONES'

ALL CLAP RHYTHMICALLY

What are you doing?

Come on, just do it.

WOMEN CHEER

Whoo-hoo!

No!

But wait, there's more.

♪ Hey, do you feel right
it down in your bones?

♪ You're in right
down to your bones.

♪ Do you even know?

Whoo-hoo!

(LAUGHS)

WOMEN CHEER

You're welcome to him, bitch.

WOMEN: Oh!

f*ck.

(LAUGHS)

Never happens when I'm visiting.

You never visit.

I'm bloody starting now.

Somehow, I think that
was just a one-time deal.

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

♪ Hey, hey, do you feel it
right down in your bones?

♪ Do you feel it right
down to your bones?

♪ Do you even know?

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪

Come on, let's go. Come on.

See ya.

I knew Slutty wouldn't let me down.

I'm just off to the loo.

ALL: Ew!

Well, like the song says, eh —
girls just wanna have fun.

I have some good news and
some bad news, Cheryl.

I've thought about your point
on breakfast spreads, and from now
on we'll provide a wider variety:

honey, jam, peanut butter —
crunchy and smooth.

I take it that's the good news.

Oh yes.

ALL: Prison Vixens on Heat.

And— And the head vixen
is a sh*t-hot lawyer.

Chur.

Now all you've gotta
do is get her off.

PHONE RINGS
Oh, it'll happen. All in good time.

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

Hey, Mr Judd, take us again through
the events of your most educational
visit.

Yeah, was there any gash on display?

(LAUGHS)

Ew!

ALL LAUGH, CHATTER

West residence.

Hi, Wayne.
Hey, Cheryl.

Mum!

Tell her we were just
talking about her.

Guess where I am?

Safely in your cell while I'm stuck
here with these useless bastards.

I'm in Christchurch.

Why the hell are
you in Christchurch?

ALL FALL SILENT

They flew me down this afternoon.

Why the hell would they do that?

Has Mum escaped?

I don't know. They just did.

They can't send her to Christchurch
just cos she organised an orgy.

Actually, they can.

They can send her
anywhere they like.

You told me to keep my
head down, and I didn't.

So now I'm in f*cking Christchurch.

HELLO SAILOR'S
'GUTTER BLACK' PLAYS

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.' ♪

MUSIC CONTINUES