06x06 - When Both Contend

[bunniefuu]

You hear me?! You hear what I'm
saying?! I'm gonna k*ll the fucker!

Just because we're two attractive
women who work for a company called
Booty Call,

he thought we were hookers.

I need someone who can turn all this
into cash, which I can then filter
to my client on his release.

There would be a generous cut
for this someone, of course.

You rip me off, the people behind
it will nail your balls to your
kneecaps. Got it?

So you wanna go out and celebrate?

I can't — not tonight.
I need to sort something.

How do you want your apology?

BAILEY MOANS, PANTS

THE LEDS' 'PINK AND RED'

(GASPS, SIGHS)

Nice.
(CHUCKLES) Some of my
best work, I reckon.

Speaking of which...

You work too much, you know that?
You wanna be more like me — make
other people do the legwork for you.

I do. I have you.

So let's pick this up
tonight, then, eh?

You know I can't do tonight.

Yeah, about that —

this, uh, every-other-night
thing is, uh...

It's unusual.

Something I should know?

No.

(GASPS)

It's rocking my world.

(CHUCKLES)

See, chicks say that they want
candles and dinners and all
that sh*t, man,

but what they really want is just
to be nailed... (CHUCKLES) by good
strong cock.

Yeah, if you say so.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

After shagging around with dinners,
Bailey just wanted the Van-o-tron
unleashed on her, night after night.

Well, night after every second
night, cos it's so f*cking intense.

Bro, I'm sick of hearing about it.

Wha...? Oh. Oh, is this the...
the no-sex thing with Kase?

Nah. She missed her midwife's
visit, and then this morning...

SKA MUSIC

I thought today was the day.

Munter.
This is the day, Kasey,

that you promised that you would
leave Hootchie to get ready for
baby.

I have left Hootchie,
but not Booty Call.
Yeah, b—

If I don't finish the list,
Jethro won't pay the bonus.

Bonus equals cash, Munter.

So what, so cash is more
important than our baby?

We need this for our baby.

Just one more day, OK?

She doesn't get what it means
to be pregnant or have a baby.

You know whose fault this is?

Yeah, it's hers.
No.

It's Jethro's.

He— He's forcing a heavily
pregnant woman into work.

And you know what that's called?

Child labour.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

HORN TOOTS

Where were you?

Sorry. Slept in.

I had to negotiate this on my own.

Man, you look like sh*t.

A few too many wines.

Slack-arse.

Lloyd's away with the kids, OK?
I get freedom for five minutes.

You'll know all
about it soon enough.

We need to get going. Come on.

Already?

Do you want to collect
our bonus or not?

Yeah, yeah.

Here he is — the sl*ve trader.

You have no f*cking idea, do ya?

Piss off.

There are some things more important
than money, Jethro: love, people's
futures, babies.

I'm kinda busy here, Van.

Nah, nah, nah, this
is important sh*t.

Kasey — you've gotta set her free.

Free from what?

sl*very. You think Kasey really
wants to be doing this dumb-arse
debt collecting?

Kasey wants to work.
It's her choice.

No, she should go home and settle
down and get ready for baby,
because...

Well, you're probably too thick
to realise this, Jethro, but unborn
children should not be made to work.

It is not good for them.

And you'd know all about it?

Of course, cos...

Babies! They're— They're special.

This coming from the man
who's never had a child.

Oh, no, wait, would have had two if
they hadn't upped and disappeared.

f*ck you.

And then there's the girlfriends who
either die or walk out or go psycho—

You know, you don't know sh*t, man.

I'm in a relationship right now.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, right.

No, I am — with a
real on-to-it chick.

A professional.

Oh, a hooker. That figures.

No, she's not a hooker.
She's one of you. She's a lawyer.

Yeah, and not just any lawyer — my
lawyer. A-And she's hot, and she's
smart, and we have awesome sex.

And I see her every night. Actually,
every other night, because she gets
so tired—

Hold on, you're seeing Bailey?

Yes. Mm-hm.

And she's not dead or psycho
or walking out on me any time.

So why don't you stick that
up your uptight arsehole, hmm?

You're seeing my brother?

Yeah, I am, as it happens.

What, you're not even gonna deny it?

Well, it is true.

Jesus Christ.

You and I never talked
about being exclusive.

You and I are not a legal contract.

Why should there be a problem, then?

Because it's Van.
Because he's your brother?

No, because he's a f*cking idiot!

Why would you want the
idiot when you've got me?

Because... you're different.

Damn straight, we are.

You have a great mind. Turns me on.

Van has a great body.

Oh, hello, we've got the
same body — we're twins.

Yeah, they are similar.

Identical.

You don't have to be
an arse about this.

Are you f*cking kidding?
Look, Jethro,

this doesn't have to be a big deal.
Van is Van, and you are you.

That's all.

That's all?

(CHUCKLES) Well, that's
just f*cking great (!)

(HUMS)

The Alfa. I tracked
down that IT guy.

He literally flung himself over
the bonnet and started squealing
like a little piggy:

'Don't take her. Don't take her.'

Oh, not that Rochelle was any help.
I had to drop her off, cos she was
puking her ring out again.

I'm doing all the work here.
Uh-huh.

No, Jethro, I want it noted for when
we divvy up the bonus. And talk to
her about pulling her weight.

You know what? I don't need your
sh*t right now, and if you don't
wanna work, f*ck off.

Oh, are you f*ring me?

Oh, you can't.

I mean, I'm an angel, and I thought
that I was doing a really good job.

Oh, I...

I didn't mean it.

I've just had some
really... weird news.

Financial?

No.

Oh God, are we not
getting our bonus?

No, it's not that. That's fine.

Then what?
It's nothing.

(SIGHS)

Have you and your
girlfriend had a row?

How'd you know I have a girlfriend?
I didn't, but I do now.

Oh, I so had my suspicions.
New aftershave, glowing skin —
dead giveaway. (CACKLES) So...

who is she?

(STAMMERS) No one.
A professional. A lawyer.

Oh.

That's so weird.

Cos you know Van's, like, seeing a
lawyer too. You know her — Bailey.

sh*t, you knew?

Everyone knows about that.

Oh God.

Oh.

She's seeing him and also you?

Oh my God, you poor thing.
That's so weird.

Yep.

Oh, you won't want everyone knowing
about this. I totally understand.

But, hey, if you want
to talk about it—

Thanks.

Jethro's boning Bailey?

Yes, but you can't tell anyone. God,
didn't I tell you she was loose?

I don't believe it.
But Jethro told me.

He's making it up.

Why would he do that?

Maybe because he's jealous of Van.

He just found out about Van today,
so how could he be jealous of him?

Why would Bailey want to sleep with
Jethro when she's already got Van?

She's obviously a twin-ophile.
A twin-o-what?

It's a sexual condition. I read
about it on the net. Getting off
on twins.

Yeah, if it was two identical
-year-old blondes.

Yeah, b-but two guys? Nah, that's
sick, especially if one of them's
Jethro.

She's way more suited to him.
No.

She's a professional like he is.

You're defending Jethro?

He's my boss.

He's a prick who's been making you
work when you shouldn't. Thank God
you finish today.

OK, well, not quite.
Kasey.

I can't walk out on him now.
You said.

He is freaked out about Bailey, and
Rochelle is being such a slack-arse.

Not your problem, Kase.

I can't let him down.

Jethro needs me right
now more than ever.

A hint, I think,

of blackcurrants.

I detect a hint of taro.

More coconut potatoes.
Curry.

How strange, that's exactly
what I had for lunch today.

Oh, mate, that is appalling.

No, you guys, you've
gotta piss off now.

Ah, Van, just enjoying
a civilised red here.

No, no, no, Bailey is coming...

Oh.

Oh, bro, you're stinking
the place out.

Falani and I will sit
here quietly imbibing

while you and that temptress
go at it like raging rabbits —

well, I'm assuming
that's what you do.

Take your gay wine and get out.

Hey, babe.

Hi.
Hello there.

PHONE RINGS

Um, just...

Old Digger, Grange Hermitage.

Yeah, fancy a glass?

Munt.
Hey, how is it?

Uh, can I call you back later?
Bailey just got here.

Bro, there might not be a later.

The bunny is in the pot, bro.

W-What are you talking about?

Bailey — she's a worry.

No. No, no, she's sweet.

How much did you
pay for that bottle?

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

Looky here.

It's Australian. Could be flash.

Could be dingo piss.

It's, uh...

It was a, uh,... work bonus.

Generous boss at
four-fifty a bottle.

I told you it was cheap.

Four hundred and fifty.

You gotta hear me out.

Bailey's on with your brother.
What?

Repeat, man, she's
two-timing you with Jethro.

Like I said, the bunny is in the
pot, man. You've gotta get out
while you can.

I know that only four cases of this
were imported into NZ, so where the
f*ck did you get it?

Oi, you.

Come with me.

As I said, my friend,...

it's a regular p*rn show
in here every other night.

It can't be true.
Tell me it's not true.

Van—
You're on with Jethro?

I've never been a one-guy girl.

Yeah, but Jethro?

I like Jethro.

Jethro's a cock.

Van, I never promised you anything.

Yeah, but I like you.

I mean, I....

really like you.
And I like you.

Yeah, so why are you
f*cking rooting Jethro?

Jethro's interesting.

Oh... (SCOFFS)

(SIGHS)

Oh, every time. Every f*cking time.
Every time what?

He always does this just to get at
me. He nicks off with my chicks with
his bullshit.

He's a liar. He's a f*cking liar.

Van, there is so
much I love about you.

You love me so much you
go and root my brother?

Van.

Come here.

Why?

There's something you need to
know about every time we've
been together.

Getting naked is not gonna fix this.

But you need to know this.

Only us.

We bring glad tidings.

Fancy a vino?

When did you start drinking wine?

It's what the cultured
and informed do.

Yes, and we are very well informed.

This for real?

As the Aussies would say, it's
fair dinkum. Only the finest wine to
accompany the finest conversation.

With you?
And my friend here.

I've had better conversations
with a watermelon.
ERIC LAUGHS ]

If you don't wanna be up to speed
with the most juicy of current
affairs, we'll take our leave.

Yeah, f*ck youse.

[ OK, bye.

Well, don't you wanna know what's
going on in your own family?

Go away, Eric.

Well, don't you wanna know,
even a little bit?

All right, what's going on, then?

Well, since you asked, it's
more who is going on with who.

Well, who's going on with who, then?

Van is shagging Bailey.

Oh, that is such old news.

The same Bailey who is also
in carnal relations with...

Jethro.
Oh.

(LAUGHS) Bullshit.

No, that is crap.

As if.
It is true.

No, it's pervy rubbish made up by
two tragic and pathetic old men.
Who are you calling old?

And we are not pervy. We are merely
the men on the spot, in the know.

But if you don't want the good oil

and the good wine...

Philistines,...

from Philistinia.

Mm.

They are so sick.

Yeah, but they make
a lovely couple, though.

PASCALLE CHUCKLES ]

Van. Dude.

[ VAN (SQUEALS): sh*t!

Oh, chicks, man.

Bro, it's O...

Jesus...
Ooh!

...Christ!

Eh, what are you doing?

I was having sex, man.

That's not sex, dude. That's
getting into very hot water.

Just go.
No, no, no. It can't be good, dude.

It is.

I— Look, I'm telling you,
it is really really good.

I can't see how rooting a woman
who's rooting your brother can
be a good thing, Van.

It is,...

because... (WHISPERS) I'm a better
lover than Jethro. (LAUGHS)

Oh, she said that?

Yes. And I've never been better
than him at anything in my life.

You're better at heaps of stuff,

like that time you laid a grogan
in a perfect donut on the bonnet
that Torana.

OK, but apart from that—

Well, what about tomorrow?

How are you gonna handle it
if she goes back to Jethro?

No, no, but she won't,

cos she loves the Van-o-tron,
because I'm the best, man.

Yes.

I'm the champion.

Jesus Christ.

What are you doing here?

I'm just wondering why
you're waking up alone.

I'm not alone, am I?

Is it that your girlfriend is waking
up with another man, who happens to
be your twin?

Piss off.

So it is true.

f*ck off.

God, Jethro, you must
feel so humiliated.

Loretta, the door.

I mean, I know you and Van
have shared women in the past,

but in those cases, the women
didn't actually know, so—

If you don't f*cking leave...

But this is just so much kinkier.

Don't worry, though.
Your secret is safe with...

everyone in the family, I think.

It's true. It's totally true.

Crap.
What a goer.

I knew twins once.

Both had a third nipple —
the ultimate six-pack. (LAUGHS)

It's gross.
From one who's spent her
life in a nunnery (!)

Even when I was young,
I never rooted brothers.

True, only your half-brother.

That is so not the point. She
is sleeping with Van and Jethro.

They're adults.
She can do what she likes.

Not if she's our mother's lawyer,
she can't. What sort of woman is
she?

A sexy lawyer with a very
big wide-on. (LAUGHS)

Hey, I bet the judges love it when
she wants to see them in chambers.

(LAUGHS)

Our mother's freedom is in the
hands of a twisted ho-bag. That
is so wrong.

(SIGHS) Rochelle, where are you?
I can't find my car keys, and we're
running late for that BMW guy.

Can you pick me up or
call me or something?

(SIGHS) The keys — they were right
here on the bench. I mean, how can
they just—?

Weird, eh?

Oh my God.

Did you take them?
Munter, did you?

So what if I did?
Give them back.

Look, Kase, you're meant to stop,
not get rarked up about work.

It can't be good for baby.

Give me my keys.
You're meant to stop.

Change the record, Munter.

Look around, Kase.

Where's all the baby stuff?

Does this look like a house
that's ready for a baby?

When I get my bonus, I'll do it.

Now give my f*cking keys!

I thought it was supposed to be a
happy time, you know, having a baby.

Maybe she's just a slow starter.

If our baby came tomorrow,
we'd have nothing —

you know, no nappies, bro, no
jungle gyms, bro, no tricycles —
nothing, bro.

What if she's one of those mothers
who abandons her newborn, you know,

like the whitetip
Caribbean reef shark.
They do that?

Yeah, man, just leaves them
to fend for themselves.

I gotta get some sh*t for my baby,
bro. I gotta steal it if I have to.

Hey, come with me.

Whoa.

Two sets of everything, bro. I kept
it all, just in case, you know, one
day we found the twins.

Want you to have a set.

Bro, serious?
Yep. ]

I'll keep the other one cos me
and Bailey might want to start
a family pretty soon.

Yeah?

Yeah, bro. She's the one.

What about the whole Jethro thing?

Jethro's not a thr*at to me, man.
(LAUGHS) He's got an L-shaped d*ck.
(LAUGHS) L for loser.

Oh, man, this is awesome,
Van. Thanks, bro.
Sweet.

See, when Kasey sees all this stuff,
she'll get the vibe for sure, man.

Yeah, I dunno.

Well, you can't think
it's a good thing.

I'm not saying it's a good thing,

but what Bailey does after
hours is her business.

Not when she's Mum's lawyer.

Lawyers have private lives too.

Mum would freak out
about this if she knew.

So we won't be telling her, will we?

Well, then you'd better just hope
that Bailey isn't too busy rooting
to do a good job with Mum's case.

Bailey's not that stupid.

Yeah, maybe, but she's obviously
not a very nice person.

You don't have to be a nice
person to do a good job.

What if she's an imposter?
What?

Like a sexually depraved person just
posing as a lawyer to get her kicks.

SOTTO VOCE: f*ck's sake.

She's not acting very
lawyerly, is she?

Pascalle, what do you want me to do?

Find out about her, check up on her.

No.

We have business to discuss.

Do we?

Tell your g*ons to get their
thieving hands off the high-end
wine.

What?
Eric and Falani — they filched
it out of Q's warehouse.

OK.

I'm f*cked off here, Jethro.
Wasn't part of our deal.

And what exactly was our deal again?

(SCOFFS) Get over it, Jethro.

Thanks for that (!)
It's just about having fun.

Oh well, have fun in your new life
with Van. I'm sure the conversation
will be stimulating (!)

I thought you could
have handled this.

I just happen to think that open
relationships are a crock of sh*t.

If you can't handle that, probably
best we just stick to business, eh?

Best we do that, then.

OK.
OK.

Fine.

So pull finger on the g*ons.

DOOR OPENS ]

Jethro?

You f*cking idiots. You've been
stealing from the warehouse.

Oh, we sampled a bit of
merchandise. It's only wine.

Yeah, it was poison.
Those tricky Aussies.

Dunno why anyone would want to
pay a bottle for a hangover
like this.

What you drank comes
out of your slice.

You take any more of anything, I cut
you out of the deal completely. Got
it?

You seem unusually tetchy today.

Just stick to the game plan.

Could you be feeling out of sorts...
Probably.

...due to your unusual
girlfriend-sharing scenario?

You really are a man
who understands the true
meaning of brotherly love. ]

Get your sh*t together
or the deal's off.

BOTH LAUGH

[ DOOR SLAMS
(GROANS)

GROANS: Oh, sh*t.

I got you the fisherman's.
I hope it's not cold.

I had to have words with two
old queens named Eric and Falani,

who seemed to know way too
much about my private life.

(SCOFFS) It wasn't me. I swear.

I didn't tell anyone...

except Munt, who wouldn't
tell anyone, except Van...
who obviously knows already.

Have you seen Rochelle lately?
No.

Mm, she was a no-show this morning,
and it's totally weird for her to
miss out on the Friday special.

Kase. What are you doing here?

Having lunch.

Work lunch, Van.

Shouldn't you be at home?

Let me guess — you've
been talking to Munter.

You've got to do this, Kase.
Back off, Van.

Look, don't you care about Munts?

Yes, and I also care about my work.
What about your baby?

Van, lay off.
This isn't about you.

And it's not about you, either, OK.

So take your misguided
moralising and f*ck off.

(CHUCKLES)

You think I'm misguided?

(SCOFFS) Among many other defects.

No, no, you are misguided
and a defect, Jethro.

Cos you are a defect lover.

Which means you suck at it. Yeah.

And what would you know, Van?

Oh, bro, it's what
Bailey knows as well.

Yep. An-An-And your brother is
the ace. (GRUNTS SUGGESTIVELY)

I'm the ace, bro, which means
f*cking amazing at f*cking.
The Van-o-tron is king, bro.

Shut up, Van.

Just like the Mighty Munt. We give
our women the best loving, which
deserves more respect, by the way.

But you... (CHUCKLES)

Your cock hasn't even
got a name, has it?

Van?
[ Why's that?

Cos you've a lame-arse
nameless cock—

THUMP!

Oh, sh*t!

Have a good lunch.

At least my cock works.

Hurt?

Ah, not as much as Jethro.

I thought you didn't hit him.

Well, nah, he hurts on the inside
from being a sore loser. Yeah.

Van the hot lover wins
over Jethro the suck lover.

We're good to go, babe, every night.

You're jumping the g*n here.

No, I'm the best. You said.
Van, I never said—

You're my girlfriend, and I was
sticking up for you. And...

Bailey, this...

says I love you.

That's sweet, Van.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

PHONE BEEPS

(GASPS) Yes. Tell him
he's the biggest,...

Shh.
...dumbest h*m* ever.

Shh.
RINGING TONE

PHONE RINGS

What?
We need to meet.

Yeah, I don't think there's
much point in that.

We have to sort some sh*t.

Yeah. Let's meet. f*ck...

Business?

If you like.

Right.

If you wanna play your childish
little games, knock yourselves out.

Sit down.

I got you a drink.

(SCOFFS)

Can't handle it, man?
Van.

OK, it seems things have gotten
a little out of hand here.

It's not my fault
Jethro's a spac lover.

Van, I swear to God,
I will f*cking k*ll you.

All right, enough. Jesus Christ.

Bottom line, I like both of you, but
if you can't grow up and handle that
fact, then I'm happy to walk away.

No, hold on. What...? (STAMMERS)
No, you're with me now.

Van, I didn't say I wanted
to trade one for another.

Yeah, but you said every
second night sucked.

I never said 'sucked'.

Yeah— Well...

Well, this is— It's confusing. And
there's only seven nights in a week.

So what?

Seven's not an even
number, thicko.

ret*rd.
Well, he's working for me.

No, well, hold on. Wait.

What if one night you're a bit
pissed and you get it wrong,

a-and me and— me and the
Van-o-tron are left all alone?

(SCOFFS)

Or what if I come over
one night and that's there?

Tricky, I guess.

Yeah, it'd be wrong.

Actually, I wouldn't
have a problem with that.

What?

What, you mean you and me and...?

(MOANS)

Shame.

Are you serious?

I would find that incredible hot.
VAN MOANS ]

And the sort of guy I wanna be with
is the sort of guy who'd be up for
that.

(GROANS)

Have a think about it.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, sh*t. Uh, you're early.

Check it out.

Munter, how did you pay for this?

I didn't.

Munt, you didn't st—?

Oh, no. No, no. Van gave them to us.
He had two sets of everything.

Oh, that's nice.

It's better than nice. It's a bloody
miracle. You can stop work. We don't
need that stupid bonus.

OK, we've got everything we need,
so you can put your feet up.

I can't. ]
You can. Get hard with Jethro,
say you're sorted.

Rochelle didn't show
up for work today.

So? She's probably on the piss.

Well, I thought it was just
a no-show, but now it feels
really weird.

Oh, Rochelle's a piss-head.
Let it go, Kasey.

sh*t.

Maybe she's gone after someone
on the list. Maybe it didn't go
so good.

Booty Call, Booty Call — all you
think about is f*cking Booty Call.

Munter, I'm worried about Rochelle.

Yeah, I can tell. Pity you're
not more worried about our baby.

The thing about pregnant women is
that they are irrational. It happens
when two brains inhabit one body.

Munt.

We need to talk.
Yeah, tell me about it.

In here.

Feel free to share with the group.
Nah.

But I'm your flatmate. Flatmates are
meant to be there for one another.

Piss off, Eric.

OK, here's the thing:

Bailey wants to have
sex with me and Jethro.

Yeah, I already know that.
No. No, no, no.

At the same time.

Wh—? A threesome?

What do I do?
Don't do it is what you should do.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought.
Bro, it's sick.

Oh, yeah, well, you're right.
Th-Threesomes a-are sick.

No, no, no, normal threesomes aren't
sick. You know, two girls and one
guy — that's hot.

But what you're describing, bro, is
an abnormal threesome — two guys and
one girl.

And one of the guys happens to be
the other guy's brother. I mean—

Wait, what if Jethro wants to do it?

Oh, bro, let him do it, man. That's
the kind of sick sh*t he would do.

No, but if— if they...

If they have threesome
without me,...

then where does that leave me?

Well,...

technically, it'd be a twosome.

(SCOFFS)

I knew it.

I Jethro's trying to rip me off.

Twosome between two sicko people.
You're better off out of it, man.

We are but two humble men.

Who happen to know
things that others don't.

Are you getting pervy again?

Well, there's pervy and there's
twisted, but this gives whole
new meaning to family closeness.

What do you know?

Not so fast. Will you
believe us this time?

Oh, we'll believe you. Cough.

Well, you didn't yesterday.

Yesterday we were greeted with such
derision, our injured pride still
weeps.

Spill.
No, we don't need more sick gossip.

Yes, we do.
Spit it out.

Well, this is the kind of special
insight that requires a special
reward.

Whisky — would that do ya?

Mm, this is all right, Ted.

It's Porky's so get it down you.

We all know your family are close,
but now they'll be closer than ever.

Indeed they will, my friend.

Well, get on with it.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Legal counsel Bailey Wilson
has invited Van and Jethro...

for a threesome.

The little cr*ck-rat!
Oh my God.

Told you she was evil.

Told you it was good.

GLASSES CLINK

(CHUCKLES)

Shagging a girl with your brother
at the same time — you really are
all class, Jethro.

Jesus Christ, just f*ck off.

I mean, I know you've done low
things and illegal things before,

but this just takes tragic
to a whole new level.

What are you, the spokeswoman
for the Moral Majority?

No.
Keep your judgements to yourself.

Are you actually gonna do it?

Oh my God.

You're actually gonna
get naked with Van?

Christ. I've agreed to the
threesome. I'm not getting
naked with Van.

How does that work?

The point is Bailey wants someone
with nerve, and Van won't have the
nerve.

Mm-hm. OK. Thank you very much.

Oh, thank God you're here.
Everything you need to know
about Bailey Wilson.

What have you been doing?

Every one of Bailey's clients has
either been a con artist, a r*pist,
a thief or a drug dealer.

And one accused m*rder*r, but that
is Mum, so that doesn't count.

She's a criminal lawyer.
What do you expect?

It's so dodgy.
It's her job.

OK, then, what about this? She
has no debt — no credit cards,
no student loan, no overdrafts.

How did you get all this?

I just rang around all the banks
until I found which one I banked
with.

You've been posing as Bailey?

It's amazing what they'll tell
you if you just ask nicely.

Can you not use my landline?

For someone who's into threesomes,
she doesn't even rent dirty movies—

Pascalle, stop.

Wayne, she's organising a
threesome with Van and Jethro.

Christ.

You see. You have to do something.

Special occasion?

Is this any of your business?

We're counting on you to
do a great job for Cheryl.

And that's what you'll get.
Good.

But if you drop the ball because
you're too busy playing dodgy sex
games,

then things will very
quickly become my business.

Oh, I get it.

Listen, what I do in my own time
is absolutely nothing to do with—

But it is.

Van and Jethro are big boys.

I don't care what
you do with Jethro.
Good.

But the moment you mess Van around,
I will come down on you like a ton
of bricks. And so will Cheryl.

I think we're done here.

I hope so.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a date.

PHONE RINGS

Rochelle, you slack bitch,
where are you? I have been so—

Kasey, I need help. I'm locked
in the bathroom at Quentin Bates'
house.

Quentin Bates? Why the hell are
you there? We've already got—

He's totally flipped out,
and he won't let me leave.

Why are you with him?

I've gone on a bit of a bender.

What? Ew.

Don't be mad. He's got awesome dr*gs
and Lloyd's away and I never get to
do this any more,

but I am so out of it.

Christ, Rochelle.

He's freaking me out.
He's gone nuts.

OK, just... stay put.

I can't do anything but, Kasey.
I am locked in the f*cking bathroom,
for Christ's sake.

KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh my God. (SOBS)

SINGSONGY: Pig. Little pig.

Let me come in ]

and kiss your titties.

QUENTIN BARKS ]

SOBS: Kasey, I need help.

You going out?

Maybe.

With Bailey and Jethro, I hear.

Don't wanna talk about it.

You think doing this
is gonna impress Bailey?

Well, it's what she wants.

What about you? What do you want?

I just want her, man.
And Jethro?

Stop. Don't you talk about him.

Come on, Van. Stop this crap.
Let's go down the pub, have a
beer and forget this bullshit.

Can't.

You're a decent guy, Van.
You deserve better than this.

I love her.
Well, she clearly doesn't love you.

Yeah, but she nearly does,
and if I do his, she will.

And there is no way, no f*cking
way, I'm gonna lose to Jethro.

DIMMER'S 'WHAT WOULD I DO'

Nice.

Van's late — surprise, surprise.

Oh, he'll be here.

Hmm. Put money on it?

We could always skip the Ret*rded
middleman and cut to the chase.

Easy, tiger.

I'm having my cake
and eating it too.

Bring it on.

Now, there nothing wrong
with a bit of lust...

in threes.

LAUGHTER

If you ask me, man, I think it's
sick. Now, what happens if Jethro
reaches down for a tug

and mistakes his wanger for Van's?

GROANING, LAUGHTER

OK, I'm really grossing out here.

Oh, go on.

Hands up who's had
a threesome? Come on.

Huh, and we're all wholesome people.

Nothing sweeter than being
the meat in a muff sandwich.

LAUGHTER

Ngaire?!
I was sent to a girls'
boarding school.

CHEERING

Oh, strictly speaking, it was only
me and Mrs Falani, but often that
feels like three.

LAUGHTER

What? Hey, we're not
all as uptight as you.

Mm, Loretta.

Put your arm down, Aaron.

All right, technically, I haven't,
but I'd really like to.

LAUGHTER, PHONE RINGS

[ NGAIRE: I think you've gotta
set him up, there, Falani.

Yeah, what is it?

You're a really freaky
dude, Quentin Bates.

(SNORTS DEEPLY)

And your girlfriend
is freakishly hot.

Me and her are gonna do the
horizontal samba again, eh,
mama-san?

Rochelle needs your help, Quentin.

Yeah, Moroccan hash suppositories,
baby — they sneak up on you from
behind.

Hey, let's get freaky, baby.

You're our favourite
client, Quentin.

Yeah, you wanna do the Booty Call
sh*t, Kasey, you own it.

Rochelle and I need help, Munter.

Yeah, you've gotta get munted, baby.

Munter, we're being held
hostage at Shane Cotton Dr.

What, Kasey?

Who the f*ck is Munter?

What?!

(ROARS)

Kasey?

Oh no.

(PANTS)

Bailey?

SLINKY MUSIC

Van, you made it.

(SIGHS)

Yep.

(SIGHS)

Van.

Jethro.

What do you think?

(EXHALES, STAMMERS) It's nice.

And all for our pleasure.

W-W-Wine.

Mm.

I'm so glad you came.

You ready for some fun?

How you doing, bro?

OK,...

bro.

Yeah, me too.

Incredibly OK.

Just telling Bailey here how hot
she looks in that great outfit.

Maybe it's time we started
taking some of it off, eh?

That's my job.

Maybe that's something
we could all do together.

FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC

TYRES SCREECH

This sh*t will numb you
from the head down, baby.

No, you need to call an ambulance.

No need.
But she's in labour, you freak!

Please. It huuuurts.

No one comes to Quentin's party
unless Quentin invites them.

Well, invite them!

No need, because... because...

I will deliver the baby.
What?!

Gotta numb the pain first.

Get out of my face!
[ THUMPING

MUNTER: Open the door!
Open the f*cking door!

Munter?
(INHALES DEEPLY)

Insurgents.

(MOANS LOUDLY)

(PANTS)

A Viet-f*cking-cong.

(ROARS)
(GRUNTS)

You arsehole. What have
you done with my girl?

[ In here, Munter. She's in labour.

Hell, no. Back in
your tunnel, chinko.

Let me past, you freak.

Huh? Huh?

(HISSES)

(GRUNTS)

SMACK!

(GRUNTS)

sh*t.
Munts, I'm so sorry.

Let's get her in the van.
No, there's no time. The baby's
coming. I'll call an ambulance.

sh*t!

Whoa, OK.

(GROANS, SOBS) Munts.
Oh, Munts. Oh, Munter.

I am so sorry...
(PANTS) I never listen.

SEXY MUSIC

MUSIC CONTINUES

(CHUCKLES)

KASEY GROANS LOUDLY

I really wanna push.

No, no, don't push, don't
push. Not yet. Munter!

I dunno. I dunno.

(MOANS)

[ sh*t, baby!

What am I doing wrong?

No, no, sh*t, I mean
there's a baby coming. Now?

OK, yeah, push. Push.

(GROANS FIERCELY)

Go, girl.
[ OK, I can see one ear.

I can see two ears.

I can see two ears.

Push, one more push.
Come on, you can do it. Push!

(GROANS FIERCELY)

BABY CRIES

Oh.

(SOBS)

Oh, that's our baby.

[ And it's beautiful.

Look at the size of his wanger.

(LAUGHS)

DARKLY SEXY MUSIC

(MOUTHS)

Damn it.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS) Damn it.

Don't go soft on me, Van.

Yeah, Van, harden up.

f*ck this.

No, Van, come here, babe.

Nah, stuff youse both
and your sick bullshit.

So...

who's a better lover now?

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Munt.

It happened, bro.

Nah, it didn't.

No, dude, it happened, bro.

Kasey went into labour,
man, and I was here, bro.

♪ There's a lot behind the smile.

♪ Gaining some trust is
gonna take a long while.

And I'm a father, Van.

AGE PRYOR'S 'EYES RARELY MEET'

Is he asleep?

No.

♪ Eyes rarely meet.

♪ When they turn... ♪

I wanted to bring something useful.

After all this awesome stuff, are
you crazy, Uncle Van? Come here.

Look at him.

(SIGHS) Hey, little man.

BABY COOS
Fell into my hands, bro,
like manna from heaven.

Munts was such a hero.

Yeah, I heard. Freaky, eh?

So, what's his name?

Hemi. Hemi Chrysler Valiant, like
I promised, bro, after our car.

Well, I've read that if you name
your child like a winner, they'll
grow up to be a winner.

Hemi Chrysler Valiant.

And our car's totally a winner, bro,
especially when it's finished, eh?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

He'll be a winner.

HELLO SAILOR'S
'GUTTER BLACK' PLAYS

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.' ♪

MUSIC CONTINUES