What colour was it, Gran?
What colour was what, dear?
The mobility scooter.
And I need to know
where you left it.
Oh, don't tell them dear.
They might steal it.
Call the police.
-This is the police!
-Oh.
Flash-flash, snap-snap,
kiss-kiss.
Another London
fashion week over!
A foot spa beckons.
"Whose shows are
you going to, Patsy?"
"Patsy, darling,"
flash, flash, flash.
"Are you going to New York,
next week, Patsy?"
Flash-flash.
"Boys, boys.
"Give the models a chance.
Point your cameras
at the catwalk!"
(CHUCKLING)
Hello, Mrs M.
We've been to the shows.
-Oh, was it winter?
-No, spring.
Oh, have we had winter?
Last summer.
I think I'm out of the loop.
I feel like I've
walked the marathon.
-You haven't, though.
-No.
-Where's Mum?
-EDINA: Ramp!
-BUBBLE: Ramp! Ramp!
-EDINA: Ramp! Ramp!
(SCREAMING)
(THUDDING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
It's so hard actually
sketching the models
when they were moving
along the runway.
(SCOFFS)
My hand kept
falling off the page.
You got through
nearly six pencils.
Good heavens!
Now, girls, let's see
what we've actually got
before I set off
for the big, uh, Big Apple,
the Big...
The Giant Apple,
the big fruit
the, um, you know,
the city that
only sleeps twice,
New York.
(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
I didn't know it was
her shopper-hopper,
darling!
Anyway, it wasn't
up to much, was it?
-Might as well
bloody well walk.
-I know.
Maybe you were
hampered by the lock
on the back wheel.
Eddy, darling, we need
some drink here.
All right darling,
champagne?
We've only got
one bottle left,
darling.
You know something, darling?
(CHUCKLING)
Fashion week was a w*r zone.
Oh! Life-threatening
crowd situations,
rushing from show to show,
barely clinging
to the last shred
-of one's own
personal glamour.
-Yes!
Back stage parties,
land mined with
bitch editors
-and Donatella bloody Versace.
-Wouldn't want to step on her.
-She'd take your leg off.
-Oh, yeah.
God, tanned like
an old kipper now, isn't she?
SAFFY: Do you think?
Yes, dear.
Honestly, darling, I think
even looking at her
can seriously damage
your health.
(CHUCKLING)
It is so lovely to have
everything back to normal
-after that terrible thing
last year.
-Yeah.
Yes. / .
What?
You know, darling, the...
/ .
- / !
- / !
/ ! I knew that!
-Well, let's drink to a world
that's changed for the better!
-Yes!
People like you
make me realise it hasn't.
You still think
it's of global importance
that someone has
reinvented Hispanic Baroque
and applied it to a shoe!
Gosh, have they?
A shoe?
-We must get one
for Jeremy's!
-Yes.
Eddy, the girls might
like some nibbles.
-What's Jeremy's?
-Hmm.
It's a new concept
fashion store, darling.
Patsy's not with
the magazine any more.
No, she's, um,
-she's a buyer.
-No, Eddy, Eddy.
I'm the executive
creative director, chief buyer
and lifestyle co-ordinator.
Yeah,
it's a huge responsibility.
I'm very important.
I decide the direction,
the adjacencies,
the brand mix,
the now, the gorgeous,
the wham, the bam,
the floosh the bloosh,
the new noire.
Just decisions,
decisions, decisions.
I say what goes in the store!
-And what will
that be, darling?
-Oh, very little.
Very little.
No, a few items
that very few can afford.
-I have done the customers'
shopping for them.
-Yeah.
Who is the customer?
Rich b*tches whose faces
have been pulled so tight
-they can't see
what they're buying.
-Excellent.
EDINA:
It's fabulous, darling.
-And we are her team.
-Yes.
-Go, Jeremy!
-Go, go, go,
go, go, go!
Right, we'll be off, then!
Ooh! Have a lovely time in NY!
Where's Bubble?
Did Bubble come
down here, darling?
Where is she? Where is...
Bubble, come down here
and do your job!
How can she still have a job
when you don't?
Because, darling,
I'm retraining her as my PA.
Come on, assistant,
assist.
But I don't understand.
It's very simple.
You are a PA.
I tell you what I have to do,
and then you tell me
what I have to do back.
All right?
-But I'm scared!
-Oh, stop it!
Get off, get off, get off,
get off me, get off me!
Go and ask Patsy
if she wants another drink.
-Eddy, I'm trying to work.
-Go on, dear.
Go on.
Oh, eh, ah, oh...
Darling, darling, darling...
-Shh.
-Eddy, what's she saying?
What's she saying?
She's going to
ask you if you
want another drink.
-(SQUEALS)
-You just tell her and she'll
get back to me.
-Get back here,
get back here!
-(BUZZING)
Come by, come by,
come by, come by!
You can only train with pain.
EDINA: Now, stay!
Come on, stay there.
I'll have a bottle but
I'll have it in my room.
I'm going to pack, Eddy.
Darling, don't forget
New York.
-I know New York.
-Have you got a bag
I can borrow?
Put it on a sticky.
Put everything on a sticky.
There's just...
-Cheers, thanks a lot.
-What's that for?
Toiletries.
What is that back there,
darling? What is Patsy's room?
-It's the utility room.
-Oh.
That's very "now", innit?
Well, I don't like
having her here.
She gives me nightmares.
-I can hear her creeping
around and scratching.
-Scratching.
-I've had to put
extra locks on my door!
-Oh, have you? Poor you.
(EXHALES)
What are you doing?
Pen, pen. What are you doing,
darling? Pen, pen, pen, pen.
Hmm? What is this?
"Observations Dreary."
What's that mean?
-Diary.
-Oh, diary.
-It's for my writing course.
-Oh, your writing course.
You still on that darling?
I thought they stopped
you going off
after you were arrested
for stalking.
I mean, how many
weeks were you in that
poor family's cupboard?
Observing.
-Two.
-Oh, two weeks.
-But it was worth it.
-Was it?
I tell you something, darling,
you'd be better off using me
as your raw material.
-No, I had to get
a glimpse into normality.
-Normality.
Darling, normal
is what you know.
Well, it's a new diet thing,
darling.
Liz Hurley does it.
Dolly cutlery.
Fools your brain into thinking
you're eating a big meal,
sweetheart.
It's kind of freaky, though,
isn't it, darling?
Look, Eddy Giant-Hands.
-Eddy Giant-Hands,
sweetheart!
-"Mother still fat."
Obser-bloody-vations!
I may be fat, darling,
but at least I'm not a thief.
Yeah, stealing little bits
out of other people's lives.
Stealing their wit
and calling it your own.
Little wit-picker,
that's all you are.
Little regurgitator
of old wit-picks.
You know what that is?
That's all art-fart
poop-parp-tit, that is.
-Talk to me. Talk to me.
-No! People don't have to
talk endlessly.
(SIGHS)
I'm... Just lonely.
Well, I am.
You know, Patsy's working.
You're observing.
Got no job of my own any more.
That...
Listen to me, darling.
(SIGHS)
I miss my son.
Yeah, I do.
I miss my lovely son.
He'd talk to me.
Serge would talk to me.
Yeah, my lovely son
would talk to me.
F it, I'm gonna call Marshall
and see where Serge is.
-Oh you...
-You don't need to.
-Why?
He's coming over later.
Marshall?
(HUFFS)
(SIGHING) That does it.
Just looking, not eating.
Look, hands.
So send in your cheque
and your infirmity
to Epiphany
and we will pray for you.
Can I hear an "Amen"?
-ALL: Amen!
-BO: Amen all round!
Because God
don't like demands.
No, he doesn't.
And he said, "Lo,"
and begged the children
crawl up and sit
on his lap. Ephedrians - .
-Can I hear "Praise Jesus"?
-ALL: Praise Jesus!
BO: Praise his holy name!
You know, all the cults,
they think they got it made.
All the Hindus
and the Buddhists
and the Lutherans.
Oh, yeah.
Well, the Hindus,
they got some kind of a wheel.
And the Buddhists
they got a circle,
and everyone's got
Allah coming down.
But, friends...
We have got Jesus Christ!
-Can I hear an "Amen"?
-ALL: Amen!
Pay attention up here.
Stay with us, Lola.
Because, you know,
we just wanna thank the Lord.
We wanna take his holy name
on high and we wanna thank him
from the bottom
of our buttocks!
-Thank you, dear Lord, Jesus.
Thank you!
-Thank you.
Now Philomena Bill
from Bunter, Ohio,
bring yourself
towards your screen.
Bring yourself up,
hitch that chair up,
drag those big fat,
sluggish limbs up
and look at me.
Now, touch me, Phil.
Touch me, because
I cast out your cancer,
I cast out your diabetes,
I cast out your hypoglyc...
Your hypo...
Well, God sees your disease.
He don't need
a heap of letters.
And through me,
in Jesus's name, be healed!
Be healed!
(SHRIEKING)
Be healed!
-PRIEST: Hallelujah.
-LOLA: Hallelujah.
LOLA: Hallelujah.
We have a TV ministry.
It's a real ministry.
We got a temple
and everything.
It's a TV studio, Bo!
I had a calling...
-It was the network.
-(HUFFS)
But... And let me finish, Bo,
we truly have been changed.
God sent us an angel.
Are you talking about Lola?
Oh, she's a wonder.
An innocent, a prophetess.
Lola can't see the future!
She can't even see
her own feet!
Where's my son?
-Our son.
-My son. Where is he?
What's he doing?
Taking blood samples
from Eskimos.
Counting polyps
in the Indian Ocean.
(TALKING GIBBERISH)
It's lies, isn't it?
That's all lies!
Jesus is our saviour!
Jesus is our Lord!
Not now, Bo!
I've been thinking about this
for some time while
I was in that fridge, darling.
Why doesn't Serge come home?
What can it
possibly have been
that drove him away
all those years ago, darling?
What could it possibly
have been that you
did to him, sweetheart?
-Me?
-Yes, you.
It's the only logical
explanation, isn't it?
He left because of you!
You smothered him and tried
to seduce every friend
he ever brought home.
You! With your
overbearing corpulence!
-Not me!
-(WHIMPERING)
Corpulence?
How dare you use
words like that
with me, darling?
You don't even know
what it means!
I don't know
what it means,
actually, no.
But, darling,
I know something.
My son loved me.
My son always loved me.
He always said so.
Only because you were
clutching him so tight,
to your breasts
he'd suffocate if he didn't.
Oh, sweetheart...
-You drove him away
because you were jealous.
-(GASPING)
I wish he was here,
so I wouldn't always have
to take the brunt of you!
Well, tell me
where he is, then
and you won't have to.
-The boy wants
to be left alone.
-Boy!
Praise Jesus!
He has come from on high!
Oh, hello, dears.
Have I missed anything?
-Yeah, they were
just telling me about Serge.
-Say nothing!
Serge! I was just
thinking about him.
I was just wondering
if that sort of thing
can run in the family.
-What?
-Zip it!
Being gay, dear.
Serge is gay?
Well, that's true,
isn't it, Saffy?
-Yes, it is.
-(SQUEAKING) Yes, it is!
My son is gay...
My son is gay
and you knew...
That's all she needs to know!
Where does he live?
Where does he live?
-Oh...
-Come on.
Where does he live?
-Don't tell her!
-Come on.
-I can't remember...
-New York, Eds.
-Yeah, New York, darling.
-New York, that's it.
Patsy knew. Yes.
My son is gay and
living in New York
and you knew!
EDINA:
My son is gay and living
in New York and you all...
Darling, I'm going
to New York tomorrow!
I can see him!
-He won't want to see you.
-Course he will.
Course he will, darling.
Gay people love me.
Oh, yeah.
All my friends are gay.
All my friends are gay.
I mean I laugh with them,
I cry with them,
darling, you know?
# Oklahoma!
Where the wind comes
sweeping down the plain #
Oh, fantastic. Darling,
he can fill me in
on David and Liza.
He can scream with me
when Valentino comes out
with a new flip flop.
Oh, darling!
Personal shopper for life!
(CHUCKLING)
Sweetheart!
-Give me his address, darling.
-No!
-Give me his address, darling.
Go on, go on.
-No!
-You've got it. Shut up!
-No.
-I know you've got it in that
your little book of yours.
-No.
-MARSHALL: No!
-Give me his address!
Oh will you shut up!
Now you've done it!
I'll find him!
I'll sniff him out!
I mean, how many gay men
can there be in New York?
Marshall,
I am very disappointed in you.
How could you stand by
while your son wallows
in the jaws of Sodom?
Oh, Bo, get real here!
We all have gay feelings!
Don't we?
EDINA: Shh.
(WHISPERING)
Pats! Pats, sweetheart!
Darling,
what are you doing here?
What are you doing here,
darling?
Eddy, I'm not really worried
about going to New York,
but darling, you will come
with me, won't you? I mean,
you're gonna be there with me.
'Cause, you know,
just to help me
with a little bit of...
Just to make a little bit
of a choice. Yeah.
-I'm going to find my son.
-You know, just to make me,
a little bit of support...
-Listen! Listen!
-Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
I've got to find
Serge's address
and I think Saffy's got it
up in the bedroom.
So we're going to
go up now
and find it in the little
cupboard up there.
-But if she wakes up...
-Oh, right.
Oh, right. But I might have
to give her a little drug or
something to keep her under...
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Shh! Best be quiet.
-Yeah, but you will come to
New York with me, won't you?
-Shh!
-You're coming.
-Shh, shh.
Oh, that's okay.
Thanks, cheers, cheers.
-I'm with you, darling.
-Come on. Shh.
(ALARM BEEPS)
-(TAPPING)
-(ALARM STOPS)
It's okay.
It's okay, darling.
(WHISPERING)
Phew! Just as well, Eddy.
This is good stuff.
Shame to waste it.
EDINA: It's a little
black book.
She's got everything
she likes in her little
black book.
-EDINA: Listen, darling.
A little tiny thing.
-PATSY: Yeah.
-I hate books, darling.
They give me itchy eyes.
-Shh, shh, Pats!
EDINA: Ooh, hey, up there!
I'll keep an eye on her.
Eddy! Eddy!
I could do with
some help here.
(PATSY GROANS)
PATSY: Oh, that's very good.
-EDINA: Give it to me.
Give me the whole book!
-There we are, darling.
Serge... Serge...
(GASPING) Oh!
-Serge!
-What?
-"Guff"?
-Must be a club
he works in or something.
-Fantastic! New York.
Put that back.
-All right.
Guff. New York, New York.
-She won't even
notice it's gone.
-She knew. I knew she knew!
-I knew she knew.
-Ed! Ed!
Ed, can you...
Eddy, can you help me
down from here? Ed?
(GROANS)
(SIGHS)
(GASPS)
Mum!
Mum.
Eddy! Eddy!
(TAPPING)
Do you have
everything, darling?
Tickets? Money? Passport?
-Come on, sweetheart!
-Don't go!
-No, come on.
We're going, we're going!
-Don't go!
Ooh! Ooh!
Get up those stairs!
Get up those stairs!
Darling, darling?
She's given me
a wedgie on my thong.
-Can you give me a hand?
-Oh, God!
-All right.
-EDINA: Ooh.
Oh, that's better.
Ooh, that's a bit better.
Thank you, darling.
Can you see it?
Is it still sexy?
Yeah, well...
Eddy, have you
seen my glasses?
Have you seen my glasses?
I just...
I just don't know where...
(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)
You won't find him.
And even if you do,
he won't want to see you.
He will, darling.
My son is going to love me.
Tickets, money, passport!
-Tickets.
-No! Don't go!
(CRYING) No!
-EDINA: We're here
at check-in.
-Yeah.
No, no, stay where you are.
That's what we pay for.
-Good morning.
-So we can stay in the car.
Morning.
-Tickets and passport, please.
-Is this Upper Class?
-This is upper class.
-There you go.
My face looks a bit big 'cause
I was too close to the camera,
but that's me.
Thank you very much.
And your ticket and
passport, please. Thank you.
EDINA: Did you get the bags?
Sarah, would you mind
having a look?
Just want to know,
when was this photo taken?
-Oh, it's very recent.
-Okay, thank you very much.
Here's your
boarding passes now.
-Have a good flight, today.
-Drive, drive!
-EDINA:
Not nervous, are you? No?
-PATSY: Nah.
-It's all about confidence.
-(INHALES) Yeah.
If I believe it,
they'll believe it.
Whatever I choose is cool
because I am cool.
-(HONKING)
-What's that, darling?
What? Chanel No .
No.
(SIGHING) Oh...
-I wonder what he looks like?
-Who?
-Serge.
-Oh, you're not still going
on about him, are you?
-Darling, he's my son!
-Who you haven't seen for...
All right, , ...
What age was he when he left?
What age was he
when you noticed he'd gone?
-When did I have him?
-When did your
pelvic floor collapse?
-What age was I
when I had him?
-Maybe he doesn't even exist?
Maybe, Eddy...
Maybe that wasn't the placenta
you ate. Think about that.
Don't be ridiculous.
Anyway, we have to
meet him now because, uh,
he'll have to answer
all these questions.
He'll just be
talking placenta.
He'll be more interesting
than that, darling.
You know, being...
Ooh.
Oh, I need some fresh air.
Yes! My son is gay
and living in New York!
Yeah! Oh, my sunglasses!
My sunglasses!
Stop the car, stop the car!
My sunglasses! Stop the car!
EDINA: Stop the car!
Stop the car!
They're vintage Jackie O!
Stop the car!
-Stop the car!
-(TIRES SQUEALING)
-Go for it, babe!
-(HORNS BLARING)
Where are we?
Are we not staying
at the Four Seasons, darling?
No, darling.
It's the Soho Grand.
This is where it's at.
Down town, the street.
No, here you won't be
woken by the squeak
of a Gucci loafer
on a cool marble hall.
Here, it'll be the thump
of a Reebok crashing
through the door
-so some kid can jack you
for your bling.
-Fabulous!
Oh, lovely hotel,
hotel, hotel.
Want to wear
some of this, darling.
-It'll never fit.
-I'll drape it.
Just drape it.
Darling, we'd better get
a move on. We've already
missed the press breakfast,
but we can start with
Timmy Hillfinger.
Then we can do Ellis,
D... DKNY.
And then Bartley,
then Luca, Luca...
-Ooh. Luca Luca.
-Then we can go on
to... Oh, Zac Posen.
-Oh, darling, yes!
-Oh, it's Zac, my little Zac.
-My little man with the bling.
-Yeah.
Then we can go down
to Serge's club.
(PATSY SIGHS)
Guff, darling. It's a club.
It can't be that hard to find.
Just think, tomorrow, darling,
I shall be going to the shows
with a gay man on my arm.
Darling, you don't need
a f*g bangle.
(MOUTHING) f*g bangle.
Actually, that porter
could have been him.
I wouldn't have known.
-No, too tall, Eddy.
-Mmm.
-He might have grown.
-Too thin.
Oh, I hadn't thought
about it like that. Yeah.
So where shall we start?
-Champagne tent?
-Yeah, champagne tent.
Well, let's go.
Darling!
BO:
Are you all ready, Marshall?
-Do I have to do this?
-Yes, you have to do this,
now don't talk back to me,
you little twink!
I'll just stay for one drink.
All right, stay and experiment
with your gay feelings,
-but if you fall
foul of sin...
-Which I won't.
Which you might
and if you do,
you come back here,
we will exorcise the demon
and we will laugh the laugh
of the righteous.
I hope you're writing
this down, Saffy.
This could be a movie.
Did you call Serge?
-I tried. I'll try later.
-Oh!
BO: Big Daddy Bear!
You go, you go, you go.
Okay, God loves you,
just not your condition,
big guy.
Take care of Baby Bear!
Cheers! Cheers! Yeah,
I'm with Jeremy's now.
Yeah. Cheers.
Thanks a lot. Thanks.
It's clearing out now,
darling,
-shall we go back to the bar?
-Yeah. Yep. Yep.
-Oh, Ruf, how are you doing?
-I'm doing okay.
How are you?
-Seeing a lot of them?
-I'm seeing all of them, baby.
Darling, thanks.
I think we can give
Herrera a miss, actually.
-Oh, hello, sweetheart!
-Oh, hi!
-How are you?
-Great.
My son will
be here tomorrow.
He's gay.
Brilliant.
Oh, precious, precious
little sparrow.
Why don't you read to me from
your little journal, there?
Take my mind off things?
Okay, thank you.
-(CLEARING THROAT)
"Cupboard Memoirs.
-Mmm-hmm.
"Day Five.
"My flask is empty.
"I'm now surviving
on old cornflakes
that I found in the cupboard.
"The family have
still not been alerted
to my presence.
"This is fantastic.
"The observations of life
through the keyhole
"have opened up
a whole new world to me.
"This afternoon,
"they sat at the table
and said nothing
for almost minutes.
"And then the mother
got up and made them all
a cup of tea!"
Hmm.
"The father, called Ted,
turned on the TV
"and they watched
Changing Rooms ,
"which is
a television programme.
"They watched it
without comment.
"Nothing was said.
"Nothing was said!"
-SAFFY: It's so funny!
-(CHUCKLING)
It's very funny.
Where is Marshall?
Why isn't he back yet,
that crazy, little,
chubby chaser?
Oh, baby,
what if he never comes back?
I'll have to do
the show myself!
I can do that! Can you?
Yes, I can.
I've done it before.
-And that was sort of it.
-That was fascinating, Lola.
Now, uh, Lola, tell me,
how did Jesus
come to you?
Did he come from the side,
did he, did he
come from above,
did he come straight at you?
I know he didn't
come from below.
'Cause you wouldn't
have been able to see him.
He'd have been lost
down there for days.
Now, Lola,
how did Jesus come to you?
He came more on the...
Diagonal.
That's a big word for you.
Diagonal!
And what did he look like?
Like...
-Like Jesus.
-Like Jesus?
And did he have a beard?
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
-Was he wearing sandals
or was he barefoot?
-Barefoot.
Barefoot.
What colour was his robe?
-Blue.
-No! That wasn't Jesus.
Jesus has a white robe,
with a brown belt.
That was a demon, Lola.
-No!
-You had a demon
come to you, Lola?
-No! I...
-Is that what happened?
Now, get on your knees
and pray for forgiveness.
This is what he
asked me to do.
Oh, good God.
Get the demon out!
Demon out! Demon out!
Demon out!
What am I gonna do?
(SIGHING) Oh, God.
Okay, let me see the schedule.
So, er... Darling,
what does it say?
So, uh, we've basically
missed the first six.
-We've got to see something.
-That's started. That show.
-We'll catch
the show after that one.
-All right. All right.
-Another drink?
-Oh, yeah. Yeah.
No, I'm not doing Luella.
No, I'm being very selective.
Take it easy.
I'm not prepared
to reveal my vibe.
What is your vibe?
-Bling.
-What, just bling?
Yeah, just simple, you know.
Just, um...
Just a T-shirt and a rail,
and a pair of Yen hipsters
and a bag.
-Simple.
-Yeah. No.
We'll come
tomorrow morning darling.
We'll do Jared Gold
and then we'll do Zac Posen
and that's it. That's all
you need to do, darling.
And it'll give
us the afternoon.
Cheers, darling.
Cheers, darling. Cheers.
Then we can go down
and we'll...
Serge's club.
-Oh, no!
-I have to find Serge,
darling. I have to, darling.
You promised.
Everyone out there thinks
he's coming tomorrow.
-Please, sweetie?
-Well, change first, Eddy.
It's here! Ooh, sweetheart!
(CHUCKLING) Guff! Guff!
Guff...
Oh, Guff!
"Gays Uniting Friends
and Family," darling.
-Oh, so not a club.
-No, darling,
it's a drop-in centre
for the LGB...
Lesbian, gay,
bisexual, transgender.
Oh.
My son is gay. He works here.
-EDINA: Serge. Do you
know him? Is he here?
-No.
-Can you give me his address
and his phone number?
-No.
It's in the files.
I can't give it to you.
-I'm his mother!
-No, I can't.
-Well, who can?
-Goldie, our counsellor,
but she won't.
COUNSELLOR: Go on and get out!
Go on and get out. Get out!
Get out! I am not
talking to you people again.
There you are
in my office, crying,
"Ooh, my son!
"Ooh, what am I gonna do?
My son is gay!
(MOCK CRYING)
"What am I gonna do?"
You know what you're
going to do?
You are going to get over it!
Go on and get out!
Creepy, strange-ass
white people!
(SNORTING) Sit.
COUNSELLOR: And you know what?
They all have
the same little idea.
Gay, gay, gay, gay,
gay, gay, gay, gay,
gay, gay, gay, gay,
gay, gay, gay, gay.
You know,
I do weddings.
That's how I really
make my money.
-Can I show you something?
-(PAPERS RUSTLING)
I want to welcome you here,
to the LBGB
counselling centre.
And I counsel out of
the goodness of my heart
'cause I like these people
and I want people
to be married.
Will you think
about getting married?
You know, I do these
same-sex marriages.
It doesn't cost much.
And you know what I include?
Foot washing
and hand fastening.
I have speaking in tongues
just as a side-line.
Eddy, just play along with me.
It doesn't cost
nothing and I take
traveller's cheques.
(SIGHING)
I take it you're both 'L'?
Yes. I take it you're T?
No, I'm just
getting over the flu.
But you know what?
You're the second person
who said that to me today.
(SNIFFS)
Mmm...
Who's been smoking?
-(SNIFFING) I can smell it.
-Um...
Is it you? Come here.
Come here, girl. Come here.
Let me smell you.
Oh, God!
-One more time!
-Oh!
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Thank you, girl.
You know, I've been sitting
up here all day trying to
get myself together.
And you know what,
you're like Lady Nicotine
to me. Lady Nicotine!
(GRUNTING) Mmm!
So... What can I do for you?
Um, we, er... We...
We want to get married.
-No, we don't.
-Yes, we do, Eddy.
-EDINA: No, we don't.
-PATSY: No darling, we do.
(ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)
We want to get married
for your son's sake.
What do you mean
for my son's sake?
She's worried that the family
won't accept it.
-Mmm.
-EDINA: Of course my family
will accept it, darling.
You see, my son is gay
and my first husband is gay,
but my...
Well, my gay son
is from my straight husband,
it's very complicated.
And we've got a daughter,
as well, but she
doesn't like Patsy.
She doesn't like Patsy
living in the house.
-Oh, she's jealous.
-Not jealous, darling.
She's not jealous.
-Do you know something?
Okay, counselling.
-What?
Yeah, yeah? I'll tell you
something, darling.
Sometimes, I don't
like you living in the house.
Oh, Eddy,
don't let's rake all this up.
EDINA: Rake it all up.
That's what counselling
is for, darling.
So we don't live in silence.
So we don't live
through the lie.
Because sometimes,
since you've had the job,
darling.
And you've been
wearing the trousers,
so to speak,
you're taking over.
No, I can't get
a word in edgeways.
You're living in the house,
you're drinking my drink,
you're spending all
my money, sweetheart.
Come on, you
come back at me now.
That's what you do.
You come back at me.
You tell me something
you don't like about me.
-Come on, darling.
Hit me with it.
-All right, all right then.
Sometimes you talk
with your mouth full
and it's disgusting.
But I don't care.
Marry me, Eddy!
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
It's all...
It's so sudden.
You know what?
I think we've gone as far
as we could go
with counselling.
You come with me.
Give me five minutes.
I'm a genius.
We'll meet you on the pier.
-Can I get another hit?
-Sure.
(INHALES)
Oh, yeah! Okay...
Who's your mama?
Um... Cheers. Thanks a lot.
(PANTING)
What are you doing?
Why haven't you moved?
Why are you
just sitting there?
-Is she back?
-No!
She's not here.
It's very late.
(WHIMPERING) Oh.
# Happy talky talky happy talk
# Talk about things
you like to do
# You've got to have a dream
if you don't have a dream
# How you going
to have a dream come true? #
-What happened then?
-You clapped.
This is ridiculous!
They'll think I'm a fantasist.
You're all freaks!
You see, the thing is,
I'm not gay.
Okay...
Okay.
But there's a few things,
you gonna have to
come to terms with.
First...
Everybody...
-Is gay.
-Oh, yeah, I know that.
From the mail man
to the president,
everybody is in denial.
-Yeah.
-You know.
Yes.
Don't be ashamed
of who you are.
-I'm not, no, no.
-Learn to love
the V on V thing.
-It's cool.
-V on V thing?
-V on V thing.
-V on V thing.
Tasty, too.
Come on now.
Come here. Look at me.
Love yourself.
-Yeah, no, I do. It's fine.
-No, no.
But you got to
say it to yourself,
"I love you."
I love you.
Put your hand down.
Here,
on the love box.
"I love you."
No, I'm not too happy
with that, no.
-All right, well.
Do you like the girls?
-Yeah.
-Grab the girls.
-Okay, grab the girls.
-Pick the girls up.
-Yeah.
Pick the girls up.
Rise them up.
What do you say to them?
-I love you.
-That's right.
I love you.
-You feeling good?
-Yeah. Good.
-Stick that tongue out.
I love you.
-I love you.
I love you.
Grit it through your teeth.
-I love you.
(GRUNTING) I love you!
-Girl, are you ready?
You're ready, girl.
-I'm ready.
-Come on, girl. You ready?
-I'm ready. I'm ready.
You're ready.
Here she is now.
Now remember.
Bull, bitch or babe,
she's Mr Right.
We are gathered here
today in wonderfulness...
Eddy!
In wonderfulness,
to bring together
this woman with this woman...
In the sight of...
-What's your name?
-Bill.
Bill.
In the sight of Bill,
to join...
This heart to this heart.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Right. Let's go.
Is that all of it?
Just need a little bit
of information from...
'Cause it was
in the filing cabinet,
'cause my son is gay
and it's fashion week!
Bless this union,
and you'll go through
with this or the deal's off.
Now, repeat after me.
I, Edina...
I, Edwina,
take you, Patsy...
I, Patsy... Take you, Ed...
Eddy.
To be my woman...
To be my woman.
Have you prepared vows?
-No.
-No.
Do you want hand-fasting?
-No.
-No.
Do you want to sip
from the common goblet?
Of course, that's extra.
Well, a sip for me...
-No.
-No.
Then on with
the exchange of rings.
Ow!
I pronounce you married.
You may kiss the brides.
-You pucker.
-No, you pucker.
No, you pucker.
Come on now,
somebody pucker up.
No...
She'll be there,
she'll be there.
No, I can't. I...
No...
Can't do that, Eddy.
Pucker, don't pucker,
suit yourself.
I will require a credit card.
American Express.
That better be
Serge's address.
Give it!
(CHUCKLES)
He'll be there in the morning.
EDINA: Thank you very much.
-PATSY: Cheers, thanks a lot.
-Cheers.
Hey, I wanted that!
We're married!
Aren't you going to carry me
over the porthole?
Sweetheart?
Oh!
-You know what, darling.
Third time lucky for me.
-Don't be ridiculous!
You know, we should have
gotten a pre-nup.
-You're not getting
any of my money. (CHUCKLES)
-Oh, stop this, Eddy.
Ugh!
-What's the matter with you?
-I just...
-Go and change into something
more comfortable.
-No, it's not...
It's 'cause I've got...
There's stuff in my...
What? What? Where? Oh!
-There's something down here
and it hurts...
-Let me have a look, dear.
-It hurts so much.
-Come here, sweetheart.
Let me have a look.
-It really, really hurts.
-Ahhh, ahhh.
You're gonna have to get...
Oh, it's dropped down.
You'll have to
take your pants off.
Oh...
-It's all right,
we're married!
-(GROANS)
-A paper clip.
-Oh, cheers, Eddy.
Thanks a lot.
Darling, listen,
we are not married.
It is not legal.
We are married, darling.
-Just keep it on till
tomorrow, please, darling.
-Why?
Because then I'll have
been married to you longer
than I've ever been
married to anybody.
I've never even come back
from a honeymoon
and still been married.
Still, I got what I wanted.
Serge's address. Serge Turtle.
Why is he called Turtle?
Serge Turtle.
The Strand, darling.
Must be a club.
Do you think?
Club. He works at a club.
Oh, Eddy, will you stop
going on about all this?
I've had a hell of a day,
I've got a lot of work to do
and I'm very, very tired.
Good.
'Cause, frankly,
I've got a headache.
I just spoke to Mum.
She thinks
she's found Serge.
I don't know how.
-Never mind, dear.
-No, I wanted her
to find him.
I hope he loves her.
I hope she stays there.
Well, of course you do, dear.
We all want that.
I hope he realises what
he's put me through
these last years.
But, Saffy, dear...
What would you be without her?
-Mmm?
-What?
-Oh, what is it?
-Oh, no!
-What is it, Eddy?
-It's a bookshop!
-It's not a club?
-No, darling.
It's a second-hand bookshop.
-Oh, no.
-Well, let's not go in, Eddy.
Darling, we'll
only be half an hour.
Sweetheart,
you gave me half an hour.
We're going in.
-We're going in.
-MAN: I can't do this!
I can't meet her! Not today!
Look at what I'm wearing!
I have to go shopping!
She can't arrive until
I've gone shopping!
This is not how
I wanna be seen!
Ahhh...
I have to work out!
Oh, I'm so fat!
Fat, fat, fat, fat,
fatty, fatty!
Two by four!
Saffy, call her!
Tell her she can't come today!
Saffy? Saffy?
Run, run, run, run, run!
Pats, move, come on,
come on, come on.
Ma'am, your bags.
I need lipo and pecs!
(GASPS)
I need pecs!
I'm looking for my son.
My son.
Of course
I'll recognise her!
(WHIMPERING)
Itchy eyes! Itchy eyes!
I will get pecs even if
I have to rip open
my own chest
and push in chicken livers
with my teeth!
Teeth! I need new teeth!
I keep finding bits of enamel
on the floor!
Eddy!
Whoa!
-Pats!
-Over here, Eddy, I'm stuck.
Darling, I'm here, sweetheart!
Serge!
It's me, Mama.
(MOUTHS) Mama.
Oh, my God!
I didn't want
to meet you like this...
-Not here.
-It's all right, darling.
(CHUCKLING)
EDINA: Oh...
I don't care where we are
or what you are, darling,
you are my son.
I... I'm not.
What?
I'm, I'm, I'm not Serge.
Serge Turtle.
No, I'm not your son.
But, er...
I love you
and I don't even know you,
so...
(WHIMPERING) Mmm!
I am Serge.
I... Am your son.
He's a book?
Serge?
Hello.
Darling, is that really you?
-Are you standing
on something, sweetheart?
-No.
You exist, then.
I was beginning to think
you were just talking
placenta, like Pats said.
I'm so sorry.
Come and give Mama
a hug, darling.
Sweetheart... Hello, darling.
Darling, look at you.
(CHUCKLING) Look at this.
Oh, Daddy's face!
Ooh!
Sweetheart...
Do you know
who this is, sweetheart?
Who is this?
This is Martin, my partner.
-Your boyfriend?
-Yes.
Yes. Oh, yes, oh, yes!
Super to meet you.
I've been pressing him
for this meeting.
I just knew it would work out.
-And may I say that
in the flesh...
-All right, stop it.
You are...
You are bigger...
I mean, larger...
-No, I mean... A light.
-Just leave it!
-A very, very big light.
-Shut up!
-I just adore
what you're wearing.
-Thank you.
I'll shut up now.
You two, you know, carry on.
So...
-You found me.
-Yeah, it wasn't easy,
you know.
You using that false name
and everything, darling.
(CHUCKLING) Turtle.
That is my name.
It's Dad's name.
Oh!
Look, Saffy's right.
I have been a coward.
-Darling, I want us
to forget that now.
-No.
Why don't you want to know
why I left?
Because it's the past,
darling. It's old news.
We can start over.
No, I left so I could be
the person I am.
Not the son you want me to be.
I wanted you
to be gay, darling!
Why else do you think
I blasted my belly
with Donna Summer
for nine months? Hmm?
I tried to mould you
in the womb.
My hairdresser
laid hands on you, sweetheart.
I mean to say, you could
have told me,
couldn't you, darling.
You could have told Mama.
I mean, think of all
the things we've missed,
all the times
we could have had, darling.
I mean, I'm in mourning now,
honestly darling,
for the shopping trips,
the sunbeds, the bitchin'.
You see,
this is why I left.
You only have one idea
about what it is to be gay.
A gay man can be...
Boring.
Sweetheart,
being gay is the best excuse
you'll ever have
for not being boring.
PATSY: Time's up, Eddy.
Darling, where have you been?
I got my head
wedged in the Erica Jong's.
Darling, this is Serge.
Not that one,
this one, darling.
That's Serge.
Serge, darling. Do you
remember Patsy? Old Patsy?
Serge.
Pat.
Now, we're going to take in
a few fashion shows today.
-Eddy, in about half an hour.
-I know, darling, I know.
-So, darling...
-Oh, just go.
No, but you could
come with us, we thought.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, my God.
It's just the same.
You think you can just
attach me like an accessory
and drag me around
without ever never listening
to what I want to say.
I will, darling,
but just not here.
We only have half an hour.
I want you to go with her.
Okay. I want you to listen.
I will, I will listen
to you, darling. But not here,
not with the books, all right?
Not with the books.
Don't you remember
my book allergy, darling?
Itchy eyes, itchy eyes.
Itchy eyes?
You never could stand books.
I like books with photos.
You hate books!
I hate these books, yes.
I hate these dusty old books.
These books
full of dead ideas.
"A graveyard of ideas."
That's what you said.
"Tiny coffins
full of putrefying concepts."
Yeah, well, then I was jealous
of the books.
I could take you
hating everything else
about me,
I could take you,
flaunting your breasts
at my friends,
seducing them,
chasing them away with your
overbearing corpulence,
the way you smothered me
with blubber,
the way you clutched me
to your breast
whenever you were lonely,
the way you let...
that revel in our misery,
but... My books...
(CRYING) Why... Why did you
burn all my books?
We were cold.
Come on, Eddy. I'm going.
This is important to me.
I know, darling. I know.
One sec, one sec.
Just come with us for today
and we'll just do
a couple of the shows.
Hmm? Give me a day, darling,
to prove how much I love you
and how much we're going
to love each other, sweetheart
Will you do that?
Just give me a day,
sweetheart.
Say you will do that.
Come on, darling, come on.
(GROWLING) Come one,
say yes, say yes, say yes.
I'm stronger than you still!
This always worked when
he was a little boy.
Come on, say yes, sweetheart!
I'm not letting go.
-Say yes, say yes!
It's only a day! Say yes!
-Okay.
Let go.
Oh! He said yes!
Saffy, darling. Saffy.
It's Mama,
I'm here in New York,
darling. Can you hear me?
Sweetheart, guess who's
next to me now, darling!
Guess who...
-Serge!
-Come on, darling.
I'm coming.
Darling, say hello.
-Hi, Saffy!
-You see, darling?
I've got him!
(CHUCKLING)
Mum? Serge?
-Where the hell have you been?
-On my date!
-You sent me!
-Did he touch you?
-Only on the knee.
-Oh, my God!
Did you kiss him?
We talked about it.
That's the same thing
in God's eyes!
-Get down!
-Saffy!
-Get down!
-See, this really is a movie.
Take it down in
your little book, dear.
-Take it out of you!
You've got
a whole script here.
BO: I want to
get that demon out!
Are you listening, dear?
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
Darling, he's with me.
He's with me.
PATSY:
We've got to get through here.
EDINA: Excuse me.
Could you give
my son a haircut? He's gay.
Could anyone
tong my son? He's gay.
-Keep up!
-This is my son. He's gay.
He's with me, he's with me.
I think it's water.
Oh, no, that's Patsy's bottle.
That's Patsy's. Put the lid
back on before it evaporates.
Jared, hi.
I really loved the show.
-Hello. We loved it.
-We loved it.
-This is my son.
-Is he gay?
Put him in leather.
Put him in leather.
Debbie!
Your godson, your godson!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
My son is gay!
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
Hold that, hold that, darling.
Look, I can do that, Eddy.
Eddy. Eddy,
look at this, darling.
Whoa! Eddy, look,
I'm up here, darling!
# Rock'n'roll! #
Ow! Ow!
Ed, something
horrible is burning!
Oh, my God, it's me! Eddy!
(expl*si*n)
Lift your hands!
Spread your legs!
Spread your legs!
Search me! Search me!
-Search me!
-Put your hands
behind your back!
-Darling, call Saffy!
-(SIRENS WAILING)
Do something!
(THEME MUSC PLAYING)
(CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)
You're early.
I didn't know if you'd be
on this flight or the next.
Oh, no, darling.
They let us out, the cops.
-No charge.
-That's because
I made a phone call
and paid the fine.
-Well, it was a great trip.
Yeah.
-(CHUCKLING)
Wasn't it, darling?
'Cause you got
inspiration for Jeremy's.
Oh, yeah. I got
a fantastic new concept.
Just free little,
airline sponge bags
and a rail.
(CHUCKLING)
Gifts for the customers.
I must get onto the team.
-Fantastic!
-I'll just tell the team.
That's not your phone, that's
your lighter!
(GUFFAWING) It's a lighter!
-What do you
think of that, darling?
-Fantastic trip, Eddy.
Fantastic trip, yeah.
-Mum...
-Oh, cheers, darling.
I'll tell you
something, darling.
Patsy and I got married.
Well, we...
Yeah, third time for me,
isn't it, sweetheart?
Gay man, straight man, woman.
(CHUCKLING)
That's fantastic, isn't it?
-Mum.
-What?
-I'm sorry about Serge,
and everything.
-That's all right.
I just wanted to say...
I still love you.
Yeah, well, you don't need to
now, 'cause I've got a son
that loves me, haven't I?
In fact, darling,
he's coming to live
here with us.
PATSY AND SAFFY: Serge?
(CHUCKLING) No, my son.
I now pronounce you
mother and son.
Photo!
(CAMERA CLICKING)
04x07 - Gay
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Series features Edina Monsoon, a heavy-drinking, drug-abusing PR mogul who spends her time failing to lose weight and chasing bizarre fads in a desperate attempt to stay young and "hip".
Series features Edina Monsoon, a heavy-drinking, drug-abusing PR mogul who spends her time failing to lose weight and chasing bizarre fads in a desperate attempt to stay young and "hip".