05x04 - Huntin', sh**t', Fishin'

[bunniefuu]

Sporting days are here again
and any five so inclined must dress the part,

You can't dim straight, not with a g*n, anyhow,
in a party frock,

so utility suits and hats are the mode,

Of course, the sh**ting's only an excuse
for displaying the fashions,

Now you know what to wear
when the next sh**ting gallery comes to town,

♪ Wheels on fire ♪

♪ Rolling down the road ♪

♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪

♪ This wheel shall explode ♪

- Did you get my plus fours? And the wellies?
- Yes.

- Got to be off. Is Emma Bunton here?
- I've no idea.

- Sweetheart, is your little mate Emma here?
- No.

I've got to discuss redoing
the old Duchy Original ad with her.

- She said the wrong words. Have you seen this?
- What?

- The Prince Charles biscuits.
- Yes, I like it. Why have you got all that?

Because l, darling, am now by Royal Appointment!

- You?
- Yeah, me, darling.

Prince Charles wants me to promote his new
orange flower oaten cheesy biscuit things.

- Mm. Tastes like an old piece of carpet!
- Stop it!

This upper-class English food is so strange.

Bits of orange peel covered in black chocolate,
eggs in formaldehyde!

Liver spots and lard
and they call it a pork pie!

Oh, all right, thank you! He wants me
to open up new markets for him, darling.

I'm the one that can open that gateway
to the celebrity market.

That's why your mate Emma's done this ad.

- She's the famous gob on Charles's crackers!
- Yes, she is!

You could help me with little Bunton.
She likes you. She doesn't like me.

You could make her a bit more malleable.
Anyway, those are the circles I'm moving in now.

- They're still circles, Mum.
- Darling, it's royalty!

- The Royal Family. Can't be doing with 'em!
- You won't have to be doing with them!

- Release them back into their natural habitat.
- Oh, shut up!

Born into captivity, aren't they,
for us all to look at?

- "Big Brother", but without Davina.
- Oh, shut up.

We should let them run free
and spend their millions unwisely.

No, we need 'em in cages.
We wanna look at them!

- I like Prince Charles.
- "I like Prince Charles."

They're like the lions at the zoo - all wanting to
spray at the faces on the other side of the bars.

- Pshsst!
- Don't.

- Pshsst!
- Stop it!

- Pshsst!
- Don't do that sort of thing!

No wonder they all go insane!

Get up there and take up my luggage!
Get up there and do my luggage!

Take all this stuff up with you as well!
You are my servant! I employ you! Serve!

- Sweetheart!
- Ahhhh!

Go on, up! Get out!

- Where are you going?
- You know where. I've told you about this.

It's my county house weekend
that I won at the "Tatler" gala auction.

I paid O,OOO quid for this weekend
of huntin', sh**t' and fishin'.

That's the last time that titled "Tatler" crowd
look down their noses at me!

They were all there. The Bamfords,
the Rothschilds, the Countess of Derby.

They dropped out at five quid!
I went straight to O grand!

Oh, yeah, that's the kind of crowd I'm miKing with
since the Prince Charles biscuit thing. Oh, yeah.

Weekends at Highgrove beckon!

- Hunting, sh**ting and fishing?
- Yeah.

- Hunting, sh**ting, fishing. k*lling things.
- Yes, darling.

Don't get all pinched-faced about it,
all "not in my name" about it, sweetheart!

Madonna has opened up this world for us now.
She's made it stylish, reinvented it.

You're going to k*ll things because of Madonna?

- No, sweetheart, because I want to, all right?
- One minute it's Buddhism, the next, butchery!

They're not incompatible!

Nice to have a double-bore
to keep your chakras open, eh?

- I can hear the call of the wild, darling.
- Yeah, yeah.

You get a panic att*ck driving through Hyde Park!

(OUT OF TUNE) ♪ County roads take me home ♪
♪ To the place I belong ♪

- West Virginia...
- Hertfordshire, actually, darling.

Hertfordshire!
Off the motorway, junction , sweetheart!

It'll be great, won't it? k*lling things. Only k*lling
to eat, darling. That is what man is born to do.

We're on top of the food chain
because we're eating everything below.

- Sad rubbish!
- I have to eat for two 'cause you're vegetarian.

Don't justify yourself!
In England, we've gone SOn!

Soft! In America, you can k*ll what you want.
You can k*ll to wear.

- You can sh**t it, eat the contents and step in.
- Yeah.

In France, if a little bird lands on the table
it's a canapé. You just spit out the beak.

In France, if a horse falls over, it's a burger!
What's your problem?

It's only here we've gone all Bambi-esque.

- Ooh! Oh, it's the buzzer, sweetheart.

It'll be little Emma Bunton, darling. Got to get her
to redo the words on the Original ad.

Darling, you could help me. Be nice to her.
Be friends with her, would you?

Here she is, here she is, here she is!
Hello, sweetheart!

- Hi, darling! Just one side. I haven't got time.
- Well, neither have l! What is it you want?

- We need you to redo the ad, darling.
- Why?

- Because you said the wrong words.
- I said what you told me to say!

Just think about it, will you?
Be nice to her, be nice to her!

- Oh, gosh, you look so well!
- Oh, thank you!

- Not YOU!
- Yeah, I know!

I know not me, but, hey.

Huge tits, big belly, water retention.
It could've been me! It's genetic!

I wasn't talking to you. There you go again,
lassoing the spotlight onto yourself!

At my age, I need more lighting!

Take more than a spotlight
to make YOU look good!

Have to rope in the sun and two galaxies
to flatter that face!

- Glad to see you're getting on!
- Just go!

All right, I'm going! Come on, Pats.

Why don't you invite little Emma
to your baby shower?

- You're having a baby shower?
- No.

- I wanna give her a shower!
- Shower?

- A baby shower.
- Is it a shower?

- Is it a baby shower?
- No, it's...

No, darling! Honestly! Sorry, sweetheart.

It's not a little shower, it's a party.
Come on. It's a party.

I'm having a friend over later if you want to come.
It's not a shower, it's just... Anyway...

I'd love to come. I'd love to come. But I was
wondering. Have you see this biscuit ad?

- No.
- I hope it's all right.

- Your mum said it'd only go out in Japan.
- I think she tell everyone that.

(EDDIE) Oh, here we are. Oh, yes!
(PATSY) Oh, yeah! (LAUGHS)

- Give me the little bag.
- I'm keeping it or I'll never see it again.

Just tying to be helpful!

- Ah, this is nice.
- This is lovely.

Ooh, yeah, it's that smell, innit?

It's that smell of the county,
that smell you can't quite put your finger on.

No, but I think you've put your foot in it.

Do you want to give me that shoe?
You've picked something up.

Yeah, that's a little bit better now.

Yeah, that's better. That's the smell, isn't it?

The smell of old woodsmoke
old polish, old dust.

- It's got a secret smell of oldness.
- A whiff of good malt whisky always in the air!

- And, Eddie, Eddie, the smell of breeding.
- Yeah, darling, innit, yeah!

Yeah, that's the smell, innit, darling?
The smell of class and privilege.

Yes, and old polish. Ooh!

Love it. We should get ourselves a little bit
of this. We should marry ourselves a duke.

A little flick through Debrett's, the who's who
and the what's left of the British aristocracy.

Get ourselves a little old one!

This is where we'll end our days - in "Tatler",
the only place they let you grow old gracefully.

You can have two teeth
and three grey hairs in a bouffant.

- You've got a title, you're beautiful!
- Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Madonna's no fool, is she?
Moving in these circles now.

Good old Madonna, always leading us
through to the end of our lives.

Those arms are gonna go sooner or later!
She'll have big kimono flaps!

When that happens, she won't want to be
photographed sitting ne Kt to a supermodel!

She'll wanna be next to some old duchess
to look good!

Darling, only in "Tatler"
could Camilla be a cover girl!

- Hi.
- Hi. How are you?

Oh, I'm fine. About to burst!

Oh, my goodness!

So freaky!

So huge!

- I'm not that big.
- Oh, my God!

It's like...ughhhh!

- I'm not that big!
- Does it hurt?

- No.

- Is someone eke coming?
- Yes.

Who? Who eke do you know?

Emma.

- Hi, Saffy.
- Hi, Emma. Come in, sit down.

- You remember Sarah?
- No. Hi.

She was in my year. You remember Emma?
She was at school with us.

- You were a few years below.
- When you were head girl, I was B.

Oh, right. Let me get you a drink.

Funny to think there's a baby in there.
It's so close.

Not really. You get used to it.

- Where does all the other stuff go?
- What other stuff?

How can there be a huge baby in there
and all the other stuff?

This! Stomach organs!
Where do they all get squished to?

- And the pipes!
- That's why I'm fat.

- Duh!
- A worry, though, isn't it? A huge baby in there.

It could be fiddling with things!

And nibbling on things!

Yes, anyway...

Wouldn't it be great if there was a window there
so you can see what it was doing? A skylight!

- Shut up!
- Not that you could open.

- You could look in and see what it was up to.
- Stop it!

- See it feeding!
- Will you shut up?!

And we can wave at it! Go, "Hello, baby!"

Ohh! Oh, my goodness! Oh! Oh!

I want to see it! I want to feel it! Oh, please,
let me touch it! Show me the stomach! Oh!

- Oh, show me!
- She said stop it!

Well done.

- Right, let's open some presents.
- Emma!

Emma! It's Emma Bunton!

I know it's Emma Bunton! Shut up and sit down!

Not on the presents!

- I know, I know...
- Here we are. Would you like to check in?

Sorry we haven't got many staff on.
We don't get many people this time of year.

Good, good.

Most people are here for the golf.

We want to change
and go outside and start sh**ting!

Yeah, I want to do huntin', as well.

- I'll get the gamekeeper to come and see you.
- Oooh, darling! Ho-ho-ho! Ha-ha!

- Little bit of afternoon action!
- Bang-bang!

- Gamekeeper action!
- A little bit of bang-bang!

Yeah, we'll be banging all afternoon,
won't we, darling?

Ladies.

This is your host and gamekeeper, Clarissa.

And gillie and part-time groom. I've rustled up
a couple of noggins of complimentary whisky.

- I hope that's in order.
- Cheers.

- We've a skeleton staff this weekend.
- You could've fooled me.

I'm sure you'll find something on offer
that you need - like exercise.

Thank you.

- Have you got a pool and jacuzzi?
- Afraid not.

- Do you do massage?
- No.

But I'm sure Clarissa will sit on you
if you need loosening up.

- We want to sh**t.
- And hunt.

There's nothing in season at the moment.

- What can we sh**t?
- Clay pigeons.

Doesn't market forces count for anything?
I paid ₤ O,OOO for this weekend!

So your hounds is on holiday!
Get more hounds in!

I'm equipped!
You should be cultivating people like me!

- You could play golf.
- Oh, piss off! How old do you think we are?

- Or go riding.
- Horseback riding?

I've had lovely riding boots made. I've spent
a fortune on clothes. All right, we'll go riding.

Ridin'

Fishin'! Heh-heh-heh! Fishin'!

Tally-ho! Ow!

Mine are a bit expensive, but there's
an odd designer piece. The things were so cute!

But I didn't buy them
just because they're designer.

Ohh, this is beautiful!

- Can I take a picture?
- What?

I've got my camera!
Saffy, will you take it? Do you mind?

- Do I mind?
- It's OK, it's OK.

Just be quick.

Sorry, sorry.

You have to wait for the flash.
I'm your biggest fan!

- They all are!
- Who?

- OK.
- (DOOR BUZZER)

- That's my car. I have to go. Keep in touch.
- Thanks for coming.

Listen, come round another time
when she's not here.

Yeah, well, maybe.

- Where are you going? That was embarrassing!
- She didn't mind. That's what they want!

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to follow her! Follow her everywhere!

I'm going to find out where she lives, find out
her phone number, go through her dustbins!

I'm going to watch her
while she doesn't know I'm there!

Shhh!

What is that noise? It's driving me mad.

- It's silence, Eddie.
- Is it?

Oh, I don't like it. That's what I like! Banging!

- Well, everything's ready.
- Right, good.

- I take it you've ridden before?
- Well, I've been ridden!

No, we haven't ridden before, but we'll be fine.

If we see a fox
we're going to chase it anyway!

- That's for you.
- Should I get on here?

No, no, take it out to the horse!

Right, and one for you.

Saddle.

No, no, take it!

Oh, yeah, of course. Cheers, thanks a lot.

If you sit up. Sit up.

Well done, Ed. Well done.
There's your leg, darling.

- Well done. That's it.
- There's your leg, darling.

- You look great, Eddie.
- Come on, it doesn't hurt that much.

- I'm going to sit up.
- Sit up slowly. Vey good. That's it.

- You look terrific, Ed, you look terrific.
- Get on yours, darling. It's a piece of cake.

- Ed...
- Come on, Pats, keep up.

Goodbye. Hopeless women.

She didn't like it. Hates it.

She didn't like it. She was frightened.
Come on, Pats.

I can't get off.
The saddle will have to come off with me.

I've had a bit of a...a bit of a...

I didn't like riding.
We're gonna go sh**ting, darling.

- Don't go so fast.
- We're gonna get changed.

Wait for me, sweetheart.
You might have to scrape me off this.

Not far now.

You can see the butt.

Yeah, I can see plenty of butt from here!

Pull!

Pull!

Pull!

Pull!

Good sh*t. Pull!

Good sh*t.

Noise again, innit?

That noise again. No bloody telly.

- How was the pigeon?
- Yeah, it was quite small.

- Full of b*ll*ts.
- It's sh*t.

Yeah, I know. I sh*t it.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

Are we in "The Others"? I mean, you know.

What's happening here? Maybe we are dead.
Maybe this is death.

Maybe Emma Bunton sh*t me
and I just don't know it!

What a washout this weekend is!
₤ O,OOO this weekend has cost me, darling!

All I've had to show for it is one bony pigeon!

For that much, you should've been allowed
to pluck and eat HER yourself!

Darling, no wonder the Rothschilds
were laughing at you.

- They...They were laughing at me?
- Not only the Rothschilds.

Laughing at me?! How dare they laugh at me!

They'd better watch out!
I've had a g*n in my hand!

I'm trained to k*ll and I haven't been allowed to!

- You're just a little ball of v*olence!
- That's what happens when there's no spa!

There's no comedown!

Bloody Rothschilds!
Rothschilds laughing at me, sweetheart!

I hate all that "Tatler" crowd, actually, darling!
I hate 'em!

Who bloody needs the upper classes?!
Who blood needs 'em?! They're all inbred!

They're just a talking neck. Most of them
have done away with features altogether!

They have to mary a bit of common
to ensure bone development!

Yeah, they do. That's true, sweetheart.

Most of them are just one big eye
and an eyebrow now!

All these old trout-faces all called
Piggy and Wiggy and Tiggy and Liggy!

They can never quite shake off the names
that Nanny gave 'em!

Who bloody needs their bloody rules?!
What I can k*ll and what I can't k*ll!

I'm not one of them, I'm one of the proletariat!
I shall rise up, darling! I shall k*ll...

- For ₤ O,OOO, Eddie, let's k*ll some bird!
- Let's get some bloody bird!

- Eddie, quick!
- Shhh-shhh-shh!

(EDDIE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)

- Eddie, so what are you going to do with it?
- I don't know.

- Put it...
- I'll put it in my case. I'll take it home!

- Did you put the g*ns away?
- Yeah, I put 'em back.

Urghhh! It's a little bit warm!

- Oh, my first k*ll, my first blood!
- "It's not the season"

Oh, darling!

Ohh, fantastic! God, that was better than
a massage, wasn't it? Little k*lling spree!

Extraordinary! I couldn't really see anything at all.

Slaughter instead of spa.
That's much better, isn't it?

- You could sense where they were.
- Fantastic!

- Cheers, darling.
- God, darling, bang-bang!

- Did you hear that?
- I did, I did.

It was coming from the cupboard there.

- Go and look.
- No, you look.

- Go and see!
- I don't want to!

- It's nothing. It's probably a coat hanger.
- A ghost or something. Ghost.

You come, as well.

Oh, Eddie!

Eddie, is it a hat?

It's the ghost of my pheasant that's on your head!

Will it be with me for ever?

Shoo!

Darling, it's gone under the bed!
It's gone under the bed!

- Is it there?
- No. Where's it gone?

- Into the bathroom!
- I don't want it to get my feet!

- Get it. It's in the bathroom.
- Oh, I don't want...

- Get it in the bathroom. It's simple.
- What will I do?

- Just pull its neck. Just pull its neck like that.
- All right.

- I can do this. I've sh*t it. I can pull its neck!
- Just...

Don't get out. You stay with me.

It wouldn't flush.

- It looks so sweet. Talking to me.
- Oh, Eddie, just pull its neck.

I can't, darling, I can't! My fingers
have gone all jelly! I can't, darling!

Just do what they do
with unwanted house guests.

Drug it and dump it in Hyde Park, you know.

Is that OK with you? "Yes, it's OK with me!"

- Cheers, darling.
- Cheers, darling. Get a little snackette.

I'm only eating pre-prepared chicken legs
after our little k*lling weekend.

You didn't tell anyone about that? Good.

Only foraging in the aisles of Waitrose
from now on for me, sweetheart.

Who's that? Hm?

It's the police.

- She's over there.
- Oh, thank you vey much, sweetheart!

All right, stop! Before you arrest me,
I want to say one thing in my defence!

All we k*lled was a pigeon,
which I ate, sweetheart!

I was only tying to experience my heritage!

Tying to experience a bit of my culture before
she and her banning friends ban it for all time!

I mean, she's picking away at the delicate
card house that is the fabric of our society!

- I hope you know where you're going with this.
- They've banned everything...

I'm onto a good one. They've banned everything
and pulled away at the cards of the card house!

Everything will collapse, do you understand?!

Never trust an English person who asks you
to take your shoes off at the front door!

- Eddie, darling, it's not in our culture!
- It's not in our culture, you see!

Anyway, the pheasant which you've probably
come about is alive and living in Hyde Park!

Yes, it suffered mild tranquillisation
with a date r*pe drug

and we released it near the Serpentine Galley

where it is living happily with its friends, all right?

I'm afraid you're going to have to come with us.

No!

Miss Bunton has taken
a restraining order out against you.

- We need to see you down the station.
- How did you know I was here?

♪ Wheels on fire ♪

♪ Rolling down the rood ♪

♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪

♪ This wheel shall explode ♪

Looks like we got away with it. Weekends
at Highgrove still beckon if he likes the ad.

I'm a girl who likes a bit of class,
That's why I eat...

...Originals Organic
Oat and Ginger Gluten-free Cheese Biscuits,

I love 'em!

That worked. That's very good.

♪ This wheel shall explode ♪