05x05 - Birthin'

[bunniefuu]

♪ Wheels on fire ♪

♪ Rolling down the todd ♪

♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪

♪ This wheel shall explode ♪

Buckets, sponges, bin liners, nail brushes,

cushions, plastic sheeting, CDs,
hot-water bottle and incontinence pads.

- Now, let's see if I can remember.
- What?

- When Granny went to Spain.
- No! Gran...

She took with her... Oh, now, what was it?

Bin liners, incontinence pads...

Where was she going, we ask ourselves?

Then what came after... Oh, I don't know, dear.
I can't do it. I'll have to look.

Yes, of course, it was matches.

Right, now it's your turn, Saffy.
I shall take one away and hide it.

No, Gran... It's not a game.
This is my home birth kit.

Are you camping on the lawn, darling?
You haven't done that for a few years.

- It's my home birth kit.
- Home? Where home be? Mount Everest?

Don't forget your crampons!

- Mum, I'm weeks. I'm due any time.
- weeks! You don't have to go weeks!

I never went weeks, darling.

Pay a little bit extra,
get the express delivery service, darling.

- They whip it out as soon as it loses its milk!
- You were in my tummy for weeks.

- Stop it.
- You refused to be born.

One of the nurses lured you out
with a suet pudding.

That's a lie, that's a lie!

- This is my bag if I need to go into hospital.
- Hospital!

Darling, it's not too late
to check into the Portland Clinic, sweetheart.

If I need to, I want to go to a hospital
where they deliver all the time. If

They do deliver all the time, darling! It's waiter
service, credit card swipe delivery, sweetheart!

Sushi, macrobiotic and babies!

It's the only restaurant in town where you can eat
with your feet in stirrups. They're doing a combo.

Two-for-one combo - Caesarean and lipo in one.
At your own convenience. Go on, sweetheart.

- Eddie.
- Oh, it's Patsy. It's an important night for Patsy.

It's the Style Awards at the Albert Hall.
A huge honour.

It makes her an international bitch fashionista.

- Are you all right, darling?
- Eddie, can you introduce me?

- What?
- Announce me.

Welcome me onto the stage
so I can time the stairs.

All right. Here we go.
Shh! Oh, shush, shush, shush!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to United
Blowers International, Royal Albert Hall!

Trichso-Protee in association with Hair Sheen
Publications and HQ living's Global...

- I'm at the bottom.
- You're too early. I've got a whole speech.

Go back up again. Go on, go back up.

Sponsored by "Nailcraft Weekly",

courtesy of Model
and Lesley Clark International...

No, go back up! I haven't finished!

♪ to raise awareness
for snip injuries... Come now. ♪

- ♪ Start walking now.
- ♪ Scalp refoliation with thanks to Wixwax Biscuits ♪

and Hugo's Volumising Bubble Gel,
Kwik-Fix Ear Buds and the "Daily Sport".

- Your host for this evening...
- I'm here now, Eddie.

- Thank you, Mrs M.
- I want to hear what they say about you.

You wrote it!

"The epitome of cool English-rose beauty,
who at ...

"taught us the importance of accessories.

"Her tireless good works and efforts to raise
awareness for good causes..." You are sick!

- Don't talk to her.
- How do I look?

You look fabulous, darling, fabulous.

- Yeah?
- Have a seat. I'll get you a drink.

I can't sit in this.
No, darling, this is a one-off Hookie Mookie.

It's made from virgin silkworm saliva.

- Wearing vomit won't be anything new for you.
- It cost a fortune!

- Jeremy Lent it to me to be photographed in it.
- Fabulous. Give me a little bit of your speech.

All right.

- I've got it here.
- Shhh, shhh, shhh!

- We celebrate the great and the good...
- Great and good?

- ...the geniuses...
- Geniuses?

- Shh!
- ...whose innovation with hair and style...

- Breathe, breathe.
- ...on the international stages of the world

- has created visionaries...
- Visionaries?

We are talking about geniuses here!

These people can take a pube
and make a bouffant!

- I wish you'd go! I have so much to do!
- We can't. We're waiting for Katy Grin.

Oh, that'll be her, darling. That's Katy.

She's not so important. I am the hostess.
She's merely presenting Celebrity Blow-Dy.

♪ The name on everybody's lips ♪

♪ Is gonna be Katy! ♪

Hello, darling. Don't kiss Pats.

- I need a drink. I'm exhausted.
- How are rehearsal?

Necessary, by the look of it.

Little confused faces! I'm going to be in "Chicago"!

- You must've seen the posters.
- No.

- Recognise me now?
- No.

♪ I'm going to be a celebrity! ♪

- Hello!
- Oh, for God's sake!

- I forgot they were coming.
- The door was open.

Where did you spot that from? San Diego?
You can't see me, I'm going out.

Hi, I'm Katy. Oddly dressed, I'm sure you're
thinking! That's because I'm in "Chicago".

"Chicago"! We love "Chicago"! Hi, I'm Bo.

- Kick your legs up, Bo!
- Oh, all right!

Doesn't she look great? She lost weight.
Give 'em that old razzle-dazzle!

I've always dreamed of being in "Chicago".
I mean, Catherine Zeta-Jones, what a heifer!

True. I should've done the movie.

- Listen, what do you want?
- We're here to see Saffy.

- Go see Saffy!
- Oh, look at our little bowling-ball girl!

You look ready for a clean strike!

- My speech!
- I'll shut 'em up.

I'll hear it. Do it to me.

What should it benefit a man
if he gain everything but lose his hair?

I can't hear you! I'm at the back!

I'm ne Kt to Marrtine McCutcheon and her pak,
chatting away!

Louder!

- You haven't come to spread the word?
- What word is that?

No, Granny-to-be and Great-grandma-to-be!
We don't have the ministry any more.

We run a Christian family creation service
in Hollywood.

Off-the-shelf babies, is it?

By the way, I would also like to thank
Pablo Xerxes and Pong Sa Pong

for the expert fingering and tonging
they gave me before I arrived here.

Smile when you're saying it!

Don't smile with your teeth closed.

- You can be an instant mama.
- Buy, don't beget!

- Oh, how awful.
- Don't be so hasty.

We beget around here, don't we? It's time
that we be gettin' off, You watch these two.

Come on, let's go. The car's here.
Come on, sweetheart.

Get yourself upstairs. I'll bring your bag.

Don't push, don't push!

- Oh, no!
- Darling, your waters have broken!

Tide's coming in!

Oh, Eddie!

It's just baby pee or something.

- Quickly, she needs help!
- Oh, Gran!

Take it off, dear.

I may be able to save it.

I'll k*ll her!

It's only baby juice. It'll be all right.
Then again, silly old you!

It's fine. I've spoken to Toni and Gilberto.
They say if you're late, it doesn't matter.

They'll keep the Silvikrin Dancers on for another
number after "Because I'm Worth It." It'll be OK.

- How's it going, Mrs M?
- Nearly finished.

Ohhhhh, no-o-o-o! Oh, look!

- Haven't you made it pretty in here?
- I'm sorry, I don't really feeling like talking.

Okey-dokey. You're looking flushed with blood.

- Steady, Bo.
- Flushed with... what kind of blood?

- What blood group are you?
- What?

What about the father, health-wise?
Any diabetes, health problems, ugliness?

- I hope you're happy.
- Oh, Mum, please!

- You have ruined Patsy's Hookie Mookie!
- Life!

- I tried my best.
- Hold on...

- Ask her what I'm gonna wear now!
- Uhhhhh!

- Don't be like that about it!
- Mum, it's started!

- Call an ambulance!
- No! Can everyone get out!

We'll be nearby. Marshall, buy a camera.
We can get this on live feed to Hollywood.

On the web!

- It's OK, they're not coming vey often.
- Do you need forceps?

- No, Gran!
- Come on, Eddie, let's go. This is my big night!

I think I've got some forceps at home.

Can someone call the midwife?
I've called Dad and John.

What have you called Dad for, hm?

- Call the midwife! Go on, scoot!
- I'll get the forceps.

- How long before it, you know, comes out?
- I don't know!

- I'll have to stay, darling. I'll catch the end.
- Eddie, what am I going to wear?!

- Go to my wardrobe and find something!
- I'm not happy!

Darling, you need candles in here or something.
A bit of aromatherapy oil, darling.

- Some... some music...
- Uhhhhhhhh!

Some dr*gs, medical intervention, heroin!
What do you want?!

Tell Toni and Gilberto I can be there
in a second if there's a problem.

- I'll get a digital camera.
- Perfect.

We'll just plug in the computer

- and beam it straight to Mira Sorvino!
- Perfect!

- ♪ My boobs, my teeth, my nose... ♪
- ♪ I got jazz hands and Fosse feet! ♪

- You have!
- Good old Bill Fosey!

I'm in the ,OOOth cast anniversary run!
And guess who's playing Mama!

- I have no idea.
- Cilla.

You could've said Bicky-Becky-Boo!
I've no idea who that is!

The journalist in me wants to know
about this baby thing you do.

- We love it!
- It's vey rewarding.

We find, supply or source babies

for those actresses
whose careers don't allow a conception window,

whose schedules are tight... and who wanna
remain tight down below, know what I mean?

- I do!
- Women who can but don't need to give birth.

We're compelled by Jesus Christ,
compassion and a desire for betterment.

And two sharp lawyers in Boca Raton -
Bertie and d*ck.

The market is
for the Western small-featured babies.

The South American Latina face
is going out of fashion.

What they need is something that can, through
surgery, be made to have a family resemblance.

That's right. Those wide Aztec faces cannot
be pulled down to look like Gwyneth Paltrow.

As soon as the baby cuteness goes,
they dump 'em or keep them on as domestics.

The real kids are in rehab and the adopted ones
are cleaning the pool, but that's Hollywood!

Isn't it fabulous!

I think it's happening quite quickly.
Mum, I need the midwife.

Darling, why don't you have some pain relief?

I've got dr*gs - half a joint, four paracetamol,
a pill with a rabbit on that someone gave me.

- Go on.
- No, I want to experience the birth.

Sweetheart! Oh, he's here.

My angel!

- Why are you putting yourself through this?
- I said that.

Even the lion, the king of the beasts,
knows it's better to avoid the pain.

- I'm fine.
- Even he knows.

You don't even have to be awake to have a baby,
darling. It sees the light, it finds its own way out.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Oh, you!

Hey, John, have you met this one?
This is the granddad-to-be.

- Your first wife?
- Only wife.

- Hasn't he told you? Only wife.
- Shut up!

- Know who he lives with now? The boyfriend!
- Don't! You'll regret it!

- Oh, so you are a h*m* fellow?
- Yes.

- And you are like an ecological disaster!
- Here we go!

An oil tanker spilling out its poisonous cargo!
Human Ebola!

Do you mind if I go?
I can't bear to be in the room with that man!

- Just go!
- I'm going!

I need a bath now.
John, will you go down to the boiler room?

- Thank you.
- No, John.

The water needs putting on continuous.
It's just on economy. Flip the switch.

- I will do that.
- Come straight back.

Breathe!

I'll get towel!

You're looking crazy, Bo.

- I am not.
- You can't just snatch a baby.

I've been talking to Toni.
Do you think I should go instead of Patsy?

No. Look at those two. I don't trust 'em.

Before you know it, they'll have sold that baby.
It'll be breathing Bel Air!

- That baby has rights!
- Rights? What rights does a baby have?

You think there's a womb pixie attorney
reading the foetus its rights?

"You can stay with your mother,
you may sue your parents."

They only have what they have by law,
and if modern ethics can't keep up,

there's no reason that girl can't make a quick
buck, honey, and give that baby a better life!

Look at this house! Look at all the sharp edges
and open electrical currents!

Drug addicts running around willy-nilly!

We're going to initiate free-flowing hot water
so she can have a bath.

- Sure you want to be stuck in there with him?
- Thank you for your concern. It is no problem.

- Hey, is that black guy the father?
- Fabulous, isn't he?

We have gotta get that baby!

I see a whole Halle Berry market
opening up in front of my eyes!

It has an NTC permisitor.

- It must be of Lithuanian manufacture.
- Really?

- Now, where is the pressure differential switch?
- C-Careful.

- It's OK, I have a diploma.
- oh.

Be careful.

You can't catch a cub if you don't go
in the lion's den. Don't follow me.

- I said don't follow me!
- I'm watching your back.

Eddie, see what you think.
Read the speech. I'll come down again.

Give me the speech, you stupid woman!

All right, darling, I'm ready.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to United Blowers International.

Trichso-Protee in association with
Hair Sheen Publications and HQ Living's...

- Oh, Eddie!
- You look fabulous, darling.

Oh, Eddie, I can't go!

- I'll do it!
- No!

I'll get there quick before Amanda Holden
gets a whiff of it!

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host for tonight -

the fabulous, the delectable Katy Grin!

Good evening, Albert Hall!

Can you hear me? I can hear you!

Darling. You see, that works on me.
I don't know what you've done to it.

I can do this on my own. I don't need any help.

I can do this. I can do this.

Hi, hi! I want you to know
I am in complete control.

- I know exactly what I'm doing.
- I need the midwife.

- I'm a nurse.
- A dental nurse!

She'll never know. OK, open wide.

- That may have been a clue.
- She needs our help. Pass me the manual.

- Okey-doke, are you prenatal or antenatal?
- I'm giving birth!

- We'll have to pull.
- No!

- Just get out!
- I just need a minute. Hold on.

OK. "Joint A fits into joint B,
which should be screwed at right angles..."

This is for furniture! No wonder nothing's
happening here. OK, baby, listen to me.

Wouldn't you like your baby to grow up
in five-star Beverly Hills?

The last baby we placed with a wonderful
Christian woman of grace and piety.

- She called her Serenity.
- Beautiful name!

- After a ward in rehab.
- Oh, Mum!

- Get out! Just get out!
- We're going. You need to lie down.

- You didn't sign anything, did you, darling?
- No.

I like it in here.

- It's vey peaceful.
- Yes.

Now... I think we have to separate the two flows
and returns in order to get the hot water flowing.

- I'm glad you know what you're doing.
- Take your finger and put it in there.

What have you done?

- I found stuff in the freezer, darling.
- Mum, I need the midwife.

- Put something frozen on my back.
- I've got peas.

The midwife can't get in. Until the electricity's
back on, the house is self-locking.

How many peas do you want, darling?
Two, three, four? Mm?

- Where's John?
- I'm here! In the ceiling!

Saffron, I wondered
where's the location of the fuse book?

Just fix it! Ohhh!

Oh, darling, what?
Do you want me to sing, sweetheart?

- Yes, anything!
- oh.

♪ Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate ♪

- ♪ Tastes like chocolate never tasted before! ♪
- Come on, darling.

♪ Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate
tastes like chocolate never tasted... â«

- Darling, don't squat yet.
- Ohh, it feels really tight!

Course it's tight! It's all that olive oil
you've rubbed into your perineum!

You've marinaded it!
It's good for a barbecue, not for birth!

I haven't been using it,
not since Patsy put a chilli in it!

Darling!

What do you mean, no stores are open?
We need a camera!

It doesn't seem like you're tying.
I don't think you care.

- You hate me!
- Shut up, Bo!

- You hate me!
- Shut up!

I need dr*gs!

- This is all I could find. Some paracetamol.
- I'm a grown-up!

- And something with a rabbit on it.
- Gimme those.

All of 'em, all of 'em!

Hi.

Want a drink?

- What's your tipple?
- Oh, I'm sorry. Oh.

I gave Bo something. She could be out for hours.

Two, three, four!

♪ The name on everybody's lips ♪

- ♪ Is gonna be... ♪
- ♪ Roxie! ♪

♪ The lady raking in the chips is gonna be... ♪

Roxie!

♪ Start the car, I know a whoopee spot
where the gin is cold and the piano's hot ♪

♪ It's just a noisy hall
where there's a nightly brawl ♪

♪ And all... that... ♪

♪ Give 'em the old razzle dazzle ♪

♪ Razzle dazzle 'em ♪

♪ Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it
and the reaction will be passionate ♪

♪ I'm gonna be a celebrity ♪

♪ That means somebody everyone knows! Whoo! ♪

♪ They're gonna recognise her eyes,
her hair, her teeth ♪

♪ My boobs, my nose! ♪

♪ Ohh, you gotta see my Sheba shimmy shake ♪

♪ Razzle dazzle 'em ♪
♪ Oh, come on and shimmy till my garters break ♪

♪ Razzle dazzle 'em ♪
♪ And who in case she doesn't hang ♪

♪ Can say she started with a bang? ♪

♪ Roxie, Roxie Harrt ♪

♪ Razzle dazzle 'em ♪
♪ And all that jazz ♪

I hate that baby!

Don't hate it.

I don't want it here.

It doesn't have to be here.

Mum, you're gonna have to help me now.

- Yeah, I'm here, darling.
- I need to know if I'm fully dilated.

Yeah, you are.

You can't tell by looking at me.
I can't examine myself!

Well, why not, darling?
I said you should stretch more, do more yoga.

You should've been
contemplating your sphincter daily!

One centimetre is one finger.

I don't know, darling, I...

- How many centimetres do you need, darling?
- Ten.

That's a big smile.

I can't do that. I haven't got ten fingers, have I,
sweetheart? I've only got eight. I'll get a mirror!

Saffron!

- John, stay, please!
- I can't.

But, my darling, where is the stopcock?

It's OK. Everything is under control.

There's a doctor outside who can come in
when the door opens.

- Oh, I'm bearing down!
- Don't bear down yet!

- I'm going to push!
- Don't push! You're not supposed to push yet!

Ahhhh! You hit me!

- Darling, push now if you want to.
- Can you see anything?

- Carpet, vase, bed. What do you want seen?
- See if you can see a head.

- I can't!
- You have to!

I'm going to have to look through my telescope.
It's the only way I can watch "Casualty".

Darling, you might have had a Brazilian!
I can't see it.

Oh, no, something's started, darling,
something's started. All right, push!

- Push!
- You're pushing it back in!

- Sweetheart, there's a head!
- She's giving birth to a head!

- There's a head!
- There's more! The head has attachments!

Push again, darling! Push again!
All right, it's out, it's out!

It's out. Oh, you've got a baby!

It's a baby, it's a baby!

It's a girl, sweetheart, it's a girl!
It's one of us, darling!

- Shall I snip it? Scissors!
- No, no, just clamp it.

- Clips, hair clips, your hair clips, Pats.
- Where is John?

I'm here in the floor!
It's done, my darling, I think I've fixed it,

- Well done, sweetie!
- Well done, darling!

- Can I hold it?
- Can I hold it?

Oh, am I too late?
Would these have been of any use?

- Someone let the doctor in.
- Let the doctor in!

Doctor, doctor!

Sweetheart, Mama's here.

Got a name for the baby?

- Jane.
- Lola. Lola.

Well, everything seems fine.

Let me hold her, sweetheart.

- Where's the placenta?
- In a towel over there.

The what?!

- We've got her! Let's go!
- let me see!

Ugh! I'm not sure, Bo. Where's the face?

- It comes later.
- We should take it back.

No! Not now that we've bonded!

- It's hideous!
- God don't make ugly, Marshall.

I'm keeping it! I'll raise it as my own!
I'm not giving it to some Hollywood slut! Let's go!

- Mama loves you, babe!
- What have we done?

♪ Wheels on fire ♪

♪ Rolling down the road ♪

♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪

♪ This wheel shall explode ♪

- I'm not sure this is a vey good idea.
- We're just going to buy a newspaper.

- Still looks a bit bloody to me.
- It's just a bit of old placenta.

We'll get a newspaper, then stop at a café
and see if the Appletons are there.

♪ This wheel shall explode ♪