♪ Wheels on fire ♪
♪ Rolling down the road ♪
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪
- What are you tying to do?
- Make tea.
- For you?
- No, for what's-his-face upstairs.
Don't look at me, don't look at me!
Just don't look at me like that! Oh, God!
All right, loudhailer! I've got a man upstairs!
Back in business! Big deal!
- Who is it?
- It's just Pete, just little Pete. It's only Pete.
Are these baby things?
Be nice if we could all dress like that.
Clothes that contract and expand with you.
The Oprah Winfrey school of dressing, innit?
like a big stretchy condom that can cope with
every stage of your yo-yo diet, isn't it, darling?
One minute she fills the screen
the next she's just a little eyeball!
- Mum, I don't know Pete.
- You do know him. I've known him all my life.
- Why can't I meet him?
- Because he's in and out.
- No pressure, just fun, no pressure.
- Well, that's good. It's about time.
Yeah, it's about time, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, darling. Bit odd, though,
because he's a bit older than me.
- Why?
- Long time since I've been out with an older man.
- How much older?
- Nearly a year, which is all right.
I'm not making a thing about it, darling.
What, darling?
All right, he was my first boyfriend.
He's the first thing I kissed that wasn't
a hand, a balloon or a mirror, all right?
You still do that.
- Eddie, I've got something I want you to see.
- What, what, what?
- Mum's got a new boyfriend.
- Eddie?
- Pete.
- oh.
- She's been seeing him for a while.
- You won't get her to react.
We were at school together. It's Pete.
You see, I've had this fantastic approach.
This Japanese company
wants to re-release some of my old movies.
Which movies?
They've become quite a cult, apparently,
among the connoisseurs of the genre.
Yeah? Which ones, darling?
- Well, um, there's the Chatterley series.
- Yeah, yeah.
"Old lady Chatterley", "Young lady Chatterley",
"Lady Chatterley Doesn't live Here Any More".
- Then there's the Bond collection.
- Bond collection?
- "The Man With Thunderballs".
- That was vey good.
"Boldfinger". I played Honey Lovetrap.
And Anouska was Titty Bighorn
and Gayle Hunnicutt was...
- Gayle Hunnicutt, I imagine!
- Yeah.
- p*rn movies?
- They weren't p*rn movies. Just cheeky fun.
- Nothing sordid, you know.
- No.
They were good plots with good actors.
It was just having a bit of a feel-up
whilst doing the household chores!
- I'm excited about this.
- Gotta go, babe.
Don't worry about the tea.
Do you remember "The Four Dimensions
Of lusty Happycrack"?
- Your mother's not down here, is she?
- No, she's not here. Here he is, darling.
- He can walk, talk, step, step, step.
- Mum, stop being so embarrassed.
- You know Patsy.
- Hello, Pats.
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
- This is my daughter. Don't laugh.
- Mum, stop it.
You're looking like some idiot.
He doesn't know what to think.
- Gotta go, babe.
- All right, darling.
- Oh, now, who's this?
- oh.
Oooooooooh!
(EDDIE) Be really quick.
(PETE) Oh, bloody hell!
(EDDIE) It's an all-in-one, Pete.
- Ooh.
- (PETE) My hand's stuck.
Oh, that's where you are, Edwina dear.
Is this the boy you were going to bring home
to tea? I found them, Daddy. Here they are.
What were you doing in there? Playing sardines?
It's Pete, isn't it?
What's that on your neck, dear?
Some marks. What are those?
Oh, we must wipe them off.
Daddy, spit on the hanky.
- No, no, here we go, here we go, here we go.
- Stop it!
That's better. Now, we must have a little chat.
Come and sit down...
…and tell me All about yourself, hm?
- He's not gay.
- I never said he was, dear.
That's what everyone always thinks.
He doesn't moisturise, he drums along to music,
he doesn't like disco, he doesn't notice my hair.
- Oh, it's nice.
- Cheers.
- He's a tits man, but not in a weird way.
- Her tits, not mine.
- My tits.
- Really?
He lets me sit eyes-out at a restaurant
so I see people.
- Tell me, Pete, what do you do now?
- He's in the music business.
Yes. let him speak for himself.
The music business.
The music business.
What exactly is that? Explain.
Well, he's... Ow, ow!
- Well, it's...
- Yes, come along, talk.
- It's... It's...like...
- It's cocaine-fuelled orgies and drug parties!
That's all she wants to hear, isn't it?
Darling, tell them about the Beatles thing.
Yeah, yeah, 'cause he has found -
well, he owns them now -
the lost Beatles tapes.
- Beatles tapes!
- Yeah, darling.
- Because he was a junior...
- Balance engineer.
Junior balance engineer and was down, like,
Abbey Road and Pete... You say it, you say.
- Nnnno.
- What? All right, well, I'll say it, darling.
Pete says if it wasn't for people
like him and George...
- George Martin.
-…the Beatles might have been...
- Stress MIGHT.
- Yeah.
Might have been just kind of
self-indulgent and amateurish, darling.
What was it you said?
That ein Me/jterwerk is like a collaboration.
- Isn't that what you...
- Babe, I gotta go, OK?
I'm gonna sh**t. See you down the road.
- See you at Abbey Road, darling.
- What?!
Pete's working at Abbey Road
on the Beatles tapes.
- Can I come?
- Can Pats come?
- Yeah, yeah.
- I must go too, dear.
- Pete, can you give me a lift?
- I-I'm walking.
- Oh, good. I could do with some fresh air.
- Drop her somewhere, will you?
Well, I think he's vey nice, Mum.
Oh, well, that's the kiss of death!
- (MUNERS TO HERSELF)
- I'm so pleased to have these films, darling.
They were beautifully sh*t.
It wasn't just rumpy-pumpy.
You got to see a lot of the countryside.
It was lovely. It was like a breeding ground
for young talent.
David lean, Joe Losey.
Schlesinger cut his teeth on my young oeuvre!
- Ugh, doesn't sound vey nice!
- So, Eddie, Abbey Road!
Yeah, these tapes
are gonna make him a lot of money.
- Really?
- Oh, mucho moola!
- Makes him a more attractive proposition to you!
- Yeah.
look at these, darling. What a pro.
- What do you want?
- I don't know.
Did you rub the lamp, O Great One?
Rub the lamp?
Oh, yes! Oh, darling, oh, yes, oh, yes!
The party for when he plays the Beatles tapes -
just a low-key industry affair - is gonna be here.
- Oh, Eddie!
- Yeah, darling. I thought I'd theme it.
like ' s theme it, maybe ' s.
Have Elton John tinkling on the piano.
Ohh, Elton!
Yes, Elton, all right? So you just do it, OK?
Come on, we've got to go to Abbey Road.
(SINGS AFRICAN SONG
FROM IITHE LION KINGII)
(HIGH-PITCHED TRILLING)
Abbey Road. (SIGHS)
- How sad.
- Having their photographs taken!
- Run them over!
- Run them over! Oh, it's so been done!
Edina Monsoon and Patsy Stone.
- Oh, please, how tragic.
- Pathetic!
Clicky-picky, cooky-hooky, cooky-pooky!
- Not important enough to come in!
- We can go in. They're looking at us.
Monsoon! M-O-N-S-O-N. S-O-O-N!
Oh, he's buzzed.
- (MUSIC PLAVS)
- Hey, Petey.
- Hey, baby!
- Hello, sweetheart.
Darling, I-I wouldn't sit there if I were you.
We are um...in the process of over-dubbing...
…under-dubbing, miKing...laying it all down.
Is that "the tapes"?
Yeah.
Pats, these are the tapes.
We're digitalising.
- Amazing.
- Fantastic.
Isn't it extraordinary how, like, voices...
…like a little moment of genius can actually
be caught on that plastic and chemical?
A little fly on flypaper.
- What's all the knobs?
- let him do his job.
It's OK. It's not as complicated as it looks.
Hey, come here.
Quite simple, really. I'm drivin', baby!
I'm driving! Zhuga, zhuga, zhuga!
- Zhuga, zhuga!
- Zhuga, zhuga!
le-le-le!
It's OK. let's have a drink.
Coffee, drink, whatever you like, baby!
Hello, babe, how are you?
It's "wonderful" to be here. Certainly "a thrill".
Cheers. You were vey small.
- I'm a lot bigger now!
- Fantastic.
This was the "Sergeant Pepper" studio.
Yeah.
- I was here.
- Yeah, so were we. We were here.
Oh, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie darling,
the Maharishi is humping you.
Just be cool, just be cool.
Just be cool, darling! It's the Maharishi.
Pats, whose... Whose hair am I eating?
It's yours, babe.
Eddie, Eddie, Ginsberg is dry-humping Ringo.
It's fantastic.
Shhh! Hey!
Hey, that is the "lady Madonna" piano.
♪ Last night I said these words to my girl ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do! ♪
♪ I know you never even tried, girl ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do-do! ♪
♪ Come on, come on! Come on, come on! ♪
♪ Come on, come on! Please, please me ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, like I please you! ♪
Ow, ow!
- Hi!
- Oooh!
- Listen...
- ♪ Do you wanna know a secret? Ooh, ooh... ♪
Babe, I gotta go. I've got a big meeting.
- George is gonna be there.
- George Martin?
- Shh!
- Can we stay here?
- Sure. Half an hour, OK?
- Half an hour, right.
My pain!
oh!
Pats, Pats, come down!
Yeah, come on. Bring me a drink.
We've got half an hour, babe.
Ooh, look, they must have sat here,
and up there would be George Martin.
- Yeah.
- Click me in, click track me in.
Singing a song, sitting around there with
their instruments. I could be the backing vocalist.
- You could've been a singer.
- I could have.
- Just going to get another bottle.
- Yeah.
♪ I'm a-walking down the road... ♪
I've only got one song.
Right, come in with me, Paul.
♪ I'm a-walking down the road ♪
♪ Just people say hello ♪
♪ Say you're looking great ♪
♪ I said thank you ♪
♪ Your hair is so great ♪
♪ I said thank you, but I'm just ♪
♪ Walking down the road ♪
♪ They say, "Are you Stella McCartney's best
mate?" I say, "Yeah. Thank you, thank you!" ♪
♪ So cool walking down the road! ♪
Sing that one, Eddie. Sing it, babe.
- You are a child...
- ♪ You are a child of the universe ♪
- ♪ No less than the trees and the stars ♪
- ♪ No less than the trees and the stars ♪
♪ You have a right to be here... ♪
- Back into the now!
- All right, babe?
- Here, catch.
- Hey, no, don't jump at me!
- Going down the pub?
- Yeah, yeah, pub.
Have you done the zebra crossing?
- This is it.
- The Fab Three!
Stay. listen, I'm John, all right?
- I'm George.
- Who am I? Who am I?
- You're Ringo.
- I don't wanna be Ringo!
Oh, Eddie, walk properly. Darling, you're a sad.
♪ Racoon...da da da-da da! ♪
- Eddie, where's Pete?
- Pete's not...
I said, "Don't come back tonight, Pete,
'cause it's closed for maintenance."
Oh, boy!
- Eddie, darling. Eddie.
- What?
You know "Norwegian Wood"? It was a drug.
- "Norwegian Wood" was a wood, darling.
- Know "Rocky Racoon"? It was a drug.
It was a racoon, darling!
It meant the world was gonna end tomorrow
backwards!
How would you know, darling?
You was a Stones girl.
- Eddie, I was "lady Jane", darling!
- Do your little bit, do your little bit.
(BOTH SING TUNELESSLY)
Do your little feet, little feet, little feet!
They were fantastic, those boys!
Who was your favourite Stone?
You didn't have a favourite, you had 'em all.
You know, darling,
after a Stones concert, it was like...
Eddie, Eddie, you know those little tiny bricks
and they have little bumps on them like that?
And sometimes they've got little windows
on the bricks.
- lego, darling.
- Yeah!
It was like a legoland of sex
after those concerts!
Everybody was connected to someone eke
by something!
That's fantastic!
- Ohh, darling. Hey, I really like Pete.
- Yeah, I like Pete, darling.
Eddie, I was thinking about the party.
You've got this fantastic ' s theme.
- We could show "Booberella" on the walk.
- Yeah, that'd be fantastic.
It would be fantastic, bit of a cheeky thing.
♪ Hakuna Matata! ♪
Hakuna Matata?! Come on, now, speak English.
lyrics by Andrew Lloyd Rice.
I want to speak to Yoko.
I wanna tell her, when she's on the satellite link
to stand further back from the camera. I'll hold.
The good thing about "Booberella" is
I think it was directed by David lean.
This is going to be quite a low-key party.
Industry people, play the tapes,
little Elton tinkling in the corner.
- Your films, you're there, it's special.
- Dear, oh, dear. Rent an Elt.
- Shut up.
- little Elton! I had a fling with him once.
- It was a long time ago, but he should remember.
- Oh, darling.
Some of his clothes! I mean, really!
Though what he's wearing today...
- What do you mean, what he's wearing today?
- Him! Chumba Wumba!
- He's here already?
- Yes!
- Go tell him I'll be up in a minute!
- Don't send me there! You do it!
YOU do it! I'm talking to Yoko!
- Yoko? Oh-no!
- Yes, Yoko. Go on.
Oh, no, darling Yoko, I wasn't talking to you.
Sayonara. Konnichiwa, Yoko-san!
- Who's doing the nibbles?
- Oh, right, are they? So I won't bother.
- No, who's doing the nibbles? That was you.
- Oh, yes, quite right. I have done them.
- Well done!
- So who was it?
- Who? Oh, I thought you knew. He's a singer.
- No...
Who is doing nibbles, she's asking you,
you silly mare!
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Who's he?
- What?
- Who's that? That was so rude!
- That is Elton John, you fool!
- The singer?
- Yes!
- So he's not doing nibbles?
- No, I am not.
- I thought I'd been invited to a party.
- Give me that.
She's on her way, lad.
- It says Gordon Ramsay is doing the nibbles.
- Oh, Gordon Ramsay is doing the nibbles (!)
- Yes!
- Oh, celebrity chefs! How common!
Greeted by someone off the TV.
Enough to put you off your pudding.
- And always so angry, aren't they, Elt?
- Do I know you?
You do, soft lad, that you do.
Oh, sweetheart! Oh, Elton, darling!
- What is going on?
- We've got you the piano.
- What?
- The piano. To play at the party.
- What is this?
- She's presumpted me slightly.
It just I was wondering if you wouldn't mind
playing a little at the Beatles party.
- Playing?
- Just play, entertain.
- Huh! If you can call it that!
- You've got a nerve!
I thought, darling, just a little Beatles medley.
You wouldn't be the focus, just something...
Or "Your Song", something like that.
- Did you bring your own stool?
- I've got a stool!
- Who do you think I am?
- Please, sweetheart!
Don't go, don't go, don't go!
I wanted you because I wanted the best!
- The Beatles were the best and you are!
- Get off!
The best piano player?
Have you seen t'fingers on him?
- Get off!
- He's got fingers like me! Porkinson's bangers!
At least mine are chipolatas! I never liked you!
- I auctioned your clothes for Aids!
- I was wearing them!
- I think I knew you when you were a man.
- And I knew you when you had hair.
I've always had hair, bitch!
- Don't go!
- Get of my Yohji! Get off me!
(EDDIE SHOUTS) last season's Yohji!
Is that a grand piano?
No, it's a baby grand.
Hasn't got all the notes.
Just big enough for small songs.
- Never mind, Eddie.
- Darling, how dare he get fussy at my party!
- Eddie, we've still got the movies, though.
- What?
- We're showing some of Patsy's old B-movies.
- Her what?
- Cheeky old sex films.
- No, darling, they're more cult classics.
You'll be surprised how good they are.
) More, more!
Booberella, She came from outerspace
to save forth womankind?
(CHRRSY SRXY MUSIC)
Booberella, She came from outer space
to save forth womankind...
...to cldim them for herself!
Sorry about that,
but what is life without a laugh?
- Not one of David lean's finest moments!
- Shut up!
OK, let's raise the tone. Yes, Yoko is with us!
She should back off.
(PETE) Back off!
- Back off. Yoko, back off.
- Back off.
Move back.
- It's going good, though.
- It's fine!
- I'm sorry about Elton, sorry about the movie.
- It's fine. Nothing can touch me tonight, OK?
The money they've offered me and they've
not even heard 'em yet! let's go outside.
"Booberella". "Booberella"I.
We've really got something on her now!
Nipple?
Tell me again, Pete,
what exactly is it that you do with music?
What is SHE doing here?
Oi, bouncers, bounce her! Out, out!
- Out!
- Bouncer? Ooh!
- What's your name?
- Brady.
Oh, it's going great!
- Oh, you bet.
- And we're going great, aren't we?
Yeah, yeah.
In fact...yeah. listen...you know, like,
I was married to...um...
- Was it Tina?
- Ye...no.
Trish. And we're not divorced yet.
I was, like, thinking maybe...
…you'd like to be my official lady.
like, live with me.
Wow. You mean marry you?
Well, there you go. Ahem. If you like.
Yeah, yeah, I wou...
I do, I w-wou... I-I-I...yeah, I do.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
I'd like to thank you for coming.
So, like, this is it, you know.
This is, like, the finest moment of my life.
- Hey, darling, we're getting married.
- Yeah, I heard.
I think it's time now we heard it, OK?
- It's just you don't seem vey happy, darling.
- Oh, Eddie, I am.
(GUIRAR RUNRS UP)
(MAN) One, two, three, four!
♪ I'm a-walking down the rood... ♪
Pats...
How, darling, how?!
♪ I'm a-walkin' down the road... ♪
♪ Rolling down the road ♪
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪
- Dom...
- And Bom!
- Dom and Bom!
- Bom and Dom!
- Cheers, darling!
- Why are you so happy?
- I thought it was off with you and Pete.
- It is, darling, but who needs Pete?
- We should pack. You are coming with me?
- Oh, yeah!
- Where are you going?
- New York, darling. I'm recording an album.
Yeah, with Yoko!
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪
05x06 - Schmoozin'
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Series features Edina Monsoon, a heavy-drinking, drug-abusing PR mogul who spends her time failing to lose weight and chasing bizarre fads in a desperate attempt to stay young and "hip".
Series features Edina Monsoon, a heavy-drinking, drug-abusing PR mogul who spends her time failing to lose weight and chasing bizarre fads in a desperate attempt to stay young and "hip".