04x07 - Cold Turkey

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN ON TV: So once you've tied
the cones together,

lightly spray them with
a Christmassy colour of your choice.

Gold's my favourite...

Aye, that's what I'll dae,
jocasta, darlin'.

I'll scurry aboot ma garden
pickin' up all they pine cones,

spray them gold and hang them off
ma door for that festive feelin'.

You dozy cow.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Och, who's this noo?

Aye. What ye wantin'?

- Taking Christmas orders.
- For what?

Turkeys and that.

- Frozen turkeys?
- No. Fresh. Best of gear.

And do you deliver them?

Aye. Ten quid.

Oh, no.

Six quid if you come and get it yourself.

- Where?
- Rosshill Farm. I work there.

Jeezo. Four quid to deliver
a bloody turkey?

Aye. They're heavy bastards, man.

Aye, all right, then, yer on.
Whit time?

Dark. After six tonight.
Doon at the front gate.

Right. OK. I'll see you then.

(CHUCKLES) Isa, come 'ere.

Oh, that smells smashin'.
I wish to Christ I could tan that myself!

Right, try that for me.

Mulled wine. I love mulled wine.

Bit of a mulled wine expert, me.
I used to make it for Harry.

Here, gie's a wee taste.

Five spice. Nutmeg.

Very good.

Just the right amount of brandy.

Just enough
to gie ye a wee glow, eh?

A wee glow? That's nae use.

I want my customers pished,
loosened up,

in the mood to buy shite
they don't need. Oh, yes, Isa.

A pished punter parts with plenty.

Merry Christmas, gentlemen.

Aye, Merry Christmas,
how you doing?

Get that down you.

- Oh, aye, what's this?
- Lovely, lovely.

- Mmm.
- Mulled wine, eh?

So is this you getting the last
of your Christmas provisions?

- Ach, no, not really.
- Cranberry sauce?

Oh, no, no, who uses that?

It's just jam, that, in't it?

Oh, I'll help ye oot.

- Got your tree up?
- No.

- Finished your Christmas shopping?
- Not even started yet. Nice that.

Having anybody over?

How much are you wanting
for this cranberry sauce?

Christmas crackers, jack.
How much are they?

Now, Victor, we don't need aw them,
just one'll do us.

Aye, can we just buy
the one cr*cker, Navid?

No, Victor. You have to buy the whole box.

Ach, it's Christmas. Gie's them!

- What were we in here for again?
- I don't know.

- Oh, look. Christmas puddin'!
- You don't like Christmas puddin'!

Aye, I do.

No, you don't. The last one you bought
lay till March and then ye chucked it.

No, I didnae. Shut up.
I'm gonnae buy that anyway.

Oh, figs!

Merry Christmas, Navid!
Is that mulled wine?

It is, Pete. Can I interest you in a cup?

Yes.

- Now, what can I get you?
- Nothing. Bye.

Oh, aye, I meant to say to you -
the Christmas decorations on the landing,

you've no' done them.

No, I've too been busy.
I'll dae it tonight.

Aye, good-oh.

(# ON RADIO: Let It Snow)

# As long as you love me so

BOTH: # Let it snow

# Let it snow, let it snow. #

- I'd k*ll for snow.
- Aye.

There we go.
One lager and one sherry.

What's that yer doing
with yer face, Boabby?

Have you ever heard the phrase,

"Thanks, Boabby, and one for yersel,
seein' it's Christmas", hmm?

No, no. Cannae say I have.
Gie's it again?

And one for yersel,
seein' it's Christmas.

Oh, thanks very much, Boabby.
That's very generous of you.

Did you hear that, Frances?

There's Boabby bought us
a drink since it's Christmas.

Thanks, Bobby.
You didn't need to do that.

(MUTTERS) I didn't.

- This is lovely, isn't it?
- What's that?

- Our first Christmas together.
- Oh, aye, aye, aye. It's smashin'.

- What's this?
- It's my Christmas card list.

Well, OUR Christmas card list.

Aw thae names?

I know. It's daft.
It's working in that library.

You get to meet so many more people
and they've all to get cards.

All of them?

It will be nearer
by the time I've finished,

then we'll need to add your list on.

- Oh, no, no, I don't dae Christmas cards.
- How no?!

- No, there a waste of money.
- Come on now, Tam.

Do you hand it oot to the people
when they come in to the library?

No, no. They get posted.

Jesus! second class stamps?!

Normally, but it'll have to be first class
cos I've left it that late now.

My heid's been in the clouds.
What am I like?

(SHE GIGGLES, HE PRETENDS TO LAUGH)

Aye, what are ye like, eh?!

MAN OVER TANNOY: Cashiers to the tills,
cashiers to the tills.

Oh, stuffin'. I forgot stuffin'.

- Are you taking that?
- Aye, I'm takin' it! Back aff!

Arsehole!

Jesus. It's a w*r zone in here.
It's like the last days of Saigon.

Christmas in Penang.

- Is that the last bag, hen?
- Aye.

Look at you, Eric.

You're actually toying with diving doon
there for a handful of sprouts, in't you?

I would only need a handfae.
Four or five, it's just myself.

I cannae no have sprouts.

You don't need sprouts, Eric.
Look at your brimming basket.

It's screaming Yuletide bounty.

Oh, Paxo. Oh, magic.

Let's not forget this mealy lily
skanky white breast. Deck the halls, eh?

Oh, shut up.
How can you be so calm anyway?

Are you daein' Christmas?

I'm daein' Christmas, all right.
Just not this shitey excuse.

Don't get me wrong,
last year I was like you,

running aboot like a w*nk*r
trying to fend off zombies

fighting over
the last hauf pound of Lurpack.

Ma whole Christmas ridin' on it.
And I swore to myself, never again.

No, no, Eric, ma boy, this year
I've got Christmas sewn up.

Oh, look, Arctic rolls!

Two for the price of one!

There you go, Eric, ma boy.

Don't say I'm not good to you.
Trot on now.

God bless you, Winston.

(BAND PLAYS: Winter Wonderland)

- Oh, it's yersel.
- Aye.

- They're good, in't they?
- Aye, they're good, aye.

Is that my present there, is it?

It is indeed, jack.
Is that ma pressie there?

- Aye.
- Gie's a wee look.

Hey, hey. Not till Christmas Day,
that's the tradition.

Aye, aye.

Right, now, what's left to get?

- Isa's Advocaat.
- Oh, mustn't forget that.

No.

We'll get that at Navid's,
that'll save us lumpin' it about town.

Aye, good idea.

VICTOR: Hello, hen. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

This is me
since o'clock this mornin'.

You done it all now?

Aye. Oh, look at that.
That's a snow cloud if ever I saw one.

You havin' folk up?

Aye. Every year, everyone comes to me.

I've got this year.
, if ma two cousins come.

Ma family come up from the Borders
and ma neighbours come across.

Christ, they're like family,
we've known them year.

That's nice, in't it?

Aye. It's a lot of work for one day
but they enjoy it. What do youse dae?

Och, our Christmas is all mapped out.

We don't even have to lift a finger!

Aye, there's a neighbour, you see,
across the landing. She's doolally.

Aye. She does the lot.

We don't have to get off our arse.

Every Christmas Day, half-two on
the button, ding-dong, two turkey dinners.

And two puddin's!

Oh, you have her over, do you?

No! Not on yer nelly!
No, Isa, no, no, no!

We just take the plates off her
and close the door.

You couldnae do Isa at Christmas, no, no.

We don't even wash the plates, just put
the dirty ones right doon on her doormat.

Every year for year.
She's soft that way.

Aye, well. Merry Christmas...

you couple of usin' bastards!

- Isa!
- Jessie, it's that time of year again!

Oh, come on in.

- Oh, it's cold the day.
- Aye, it is that.

Oh, I cannae wait, Isa!

Oh, ye've got yer place aw Christmassy
and lovely as always, jessie.

Oh, thanks for yer card.

Don't mention it. Right, tae business!

This is the th Christmas dinner and
dance we've done at the community hall.

Has it been that many, eh?

Where does the time go?

So what have ye brung me?

Right, that's aw yer apples, yer eggs,
yer butter, yer flour and yer milk.

There's enough for portions.

Have you paid for that?

Aye, but it's all right.

I'll get that back when Boabby
smashes the collection jar in the pub.

That's what how it always works.

So I'll start baking tonight
and all day tomorrow.

Aye, and I'm turkey,
trimmings and record player.

I love this time of year.
It's nice to be busy.

Wanted. Part of something.

Aye, it is that.

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON RADIO)

- Oh, I love that!
- Turn it up.

Oh, here.

You wantin' a wee hauf?

Oh, at this time of the day?

It's Christmas.

It'll no k*ll us!

Chin-chin!

Oh, right...

(MUSIC CONTINUES:
# Frosty The Snowman)

# For when they placed it on his head

# He began to dance around

# Oh, Frosty the Snowman

# Was alive as he could be

# And the children say
he could laugh and play

# just the same as you and me... #

Oh, jessie!

I'm up to high doh, Peggy. I don't know
whether I'm coming or going.

Aye, I know, Isa.
Come and join us if you get a minute.

Here, jack, that reminds me - we
havenae got Isa's bottle of Advocaat yet.

Och, relax. We've still got time
for a drink, haven't we?

You want another one, Winston?

Hey? No, no. That's enough for me.

Two Goldie's, Boabby. Where you goin'?

Never you mind. Here, listen,

seein' as it's Christmas, I'll gie ye
a wee hint. Gobble, gobble.

What, have you turned gay?

- I'm going to buy a turkey. Six quid.
- A six-quid turkey?

Good luck to you, Winston.

- Sorry to hear about jessie, Isa.
- Oh, aye. It was an awful shock.

That's you left with everything to do
for the dinner dance now.

Aye. On top of all I'm daein,
I've got jessie's bakin' tae dae

and you know every year I hand in
the full turkey dinner to thae two.

- I wish I could help you out, Isa.
- No, Boabby. Ye dae enough.

You dae yer Santa and gie out the gifts.

Jack, Victor, why don't you
come round the community centre

for yer Christmas dinner this year
instead of sittin' up there yersels?

Bit of company and gie Isa
the year off, eh?

BOTH: Nah.

Nae disrespect, Isa darling,
but I'd rather eat razor blades.

It's a bunch of old wankers that cannae
finish their soup for slabbering into it.

And the smell of pish
would knock a Rottweiler doon.

Then you've got Boabby.
Skinny Boabby -

the boniest, junkiest cr*ck-addict Santa
you're ever likely to see.

You've no even got the sense
to stick a cushion up yerjumper

and fatten yersel oot, ya dozy bastard.

The men get the same presents -
tin of beer wrapped in Christmas paper.

Then they get soaked, trying to figure oot
what's in it. "Whit's that? It's beer!"

- That's enough. Shut it.
- Ach, anyhow,

Isa enjoys makin' us wur
Christmas dinner, don't you, hen?

Eh? Aye, I dae.

Seasons Greetings, joyeux Noel,
Feliz Navidad to one and all.

What's happened to you?
Found a pension book?

Not a million miles away
there now, Boabby.

Please, gather round and witness the
outpourings of a master forger, no less.

What's this?

Frances gave me
a Christmas card list strong.

Oh, jesus.

Who am I to disappoint
the good lady? Observe.

- Christmas card, yes.
- To the untrained eye, perhaps.

It's used to be an old birthday card.

- Eh?!
- Aye!

I've got stack of them in the loft.
I kept them! I knew I'd need them.

It's amazing what you can do
with a pair of scissors and Tippex!

Tell you, lads,
I've saved myself a fortune.

- Just like a Christmas card.
- Very good, aye.

Aye, aye, but the stamps'll
choke ye, ye tight-arse.

Wait for it, jack.

- I'll deliver them by hand.
- Ta-da!

Ah, Peggy.
You've saved me my first trip.

- Have I?
- Christmas card from Frances and me.

Oh, thanks, Tam.

"Congratulations on passing your...
Driving Christmas!?

(OWL HOOTS)

Right, son, you got ma turkey?

- You got ma six quid?
- Aye.

- Here.
- Smashing.

Here, you,

- that thing's still alive!
- Aye. It's fresh. Fresh off ma farm.

You might have done it in for me
before ye gied it to me.

Huh. I'm not a turkey m*rder*r!

- I don't think yer a farmer!
- Am ur!

- No, ye arenae.
- Am ur a farmer.

- No, ye arenae.
- Am ur!

All right, then, what time
did ye get up this morning?

Early.

Super early.

Mega early.
Feed all the animals an' that.

What kind of animals
do ye have on the farm?

Er, turkeys.

Coos. Pigs. Chickens.

Chickens, eh?
What do chickens eat?

Chickens...

eat... eggs...

(g*nsh*t)

- What the hell was that?
- That'll be the real farmer.

You little bastard! Go on, son.

Hold the lift, noo.

- Isa!
- Isa, hello.

Lads.

Nearly there noo, Isa.

Oh, I cannae wait
for that slap-up feed tomorrow.

I was just sayin' to Victor there,

what is that thing
you do with the sprouts?

Aye, that thing ye dae,
what is that?

A knob of butter after I've drained them

and a wee dash of white pepper
over the top.

Oh, ma mooth's aw goin'!

And is that milk
you put through the spuds?

Double cream.

- Oh, double cream.
- Yer some woman, aye.

Wait till I tell ye.

I was watchin' a cookery programme
during the week there, aye,

and the boy was makin' apple pie

and he said ye don't need to have apples,
you can have pears.

It's an apple you dae us every year,
in't it?

- You wantin' pears this year?
- That'd be too much?

No. Not at all.

Here, before I forget,

have either of you got a record player?
It's for the community centre.

Their old one's on the blink.
Just for Christmas Day.

Aye, I've got one, aye. Oh, but
we tend to hold on to that, you know,

as an option in case the telly's shite,
which it generally is.

Aye, we put a wee record on.
Sorry, hen, that's a no-can-do.

- Hey, Tommy Boy
- Tommy Boy, ye all set?

Right, that's everything's ready.

Totties. Carrots. Sprouts.

All chopped and ready for tomorrow.

Just the turkey, noo.

Right, son, this is it.

This is where you and me
part company.

Ah, c'mon now. Play the game.

I mean, you knew the score.

You know what yer here for.

So just look away or dae
whatever it is you have to dae.

Jeezo. This is a lot harder
than I thought it was gonnae be.

Right, c'mon noo.

It's just a turkey.

One way or the other, he's got to go.

Listen, son...

You are a turkey.

You're meant tae get ate.

Like it or not, you taste smashing,
and one way or the other

there's an onion and sausage meat
going right up yer arse tae!

Don't ye gie me
thae sad wee turkey eyes.

You know the deal.

Oh, no.

No way.

I cannae dae it.

# Slippin' and a slidin' on a frozen pond

# All the snow has turned to ice... #

Oh, smashin'(!)

# Goin' home to hang
the Christmas lights... #

Good boy!

(DOG BARKS)

# Happily preparin'

# To be sharin' Christmas
with the one that I love

# Christmas with the one

# Christmas with the one that I love

# Showin' and blowin'... #

(CAR TYRES SCREECH, HORNS BLARE)

# Goin' home to stand the Christmas tree

# Where the old one stood

# Happily preparin'

# To be sharin' Christmas
with the one that I love... #

Do you know where that is?

#... He's so good

# I'm gonna love him like I should

# He's so fine

# I'm happy that the man is mine

# Huggin' and a kissin' like we like to do

# Twice as much at Christmas time

# Good to be together

# just we two

# Hear the church bells chime... #

Wait!

- Arsehole.
- Animal!

# Christmas with the one
Christmas with the one

# Christmas with the one that I love... #

That was the biggest mistake
I've ever made, giving you a name...

...Albert.

Oh, here we go. It's the two wise men!

It's the three wise men, Boabby.

So?

So you cannae call us
the two wise men, can ye?

But there's only two of youse.

- Boabby, you're nothing but a...
- Leave it, jack. It's Christmas.

Merry Christmas, then, Boabby.
Two Goldie's please.

- Is that you finished yer round now?
- Aye.

I'm gonnae get hammered oot ma tits.

Nice, that. Festive.

Hi, Tam. Still rainin', is it?

Aye. It's the good rain tae.

Freezin', icy rain.

Right doon the cr*ck of yer arse.

Merry Christmas, Tam.

Aye, Merry Christmas.
There's your cards, boys.

- Oh, very nice.
- Thank you very much.

Anybody got a g*n,
so I can k*ll masel?

No easy bein' a postman, is it?

Shut up.

"Good luck in your new Christmas".

"Deepest sympathy in your Christmas".

How many is it
you've tae deliver again, Tam?

.

- How many have ye actually done?
- Nine.

Christmas Eve, ten to ten,
only another to go, eh?!

- Why don't you call it a day?
- Yes, there's only one man

that can get roond all those hooses
on Christmas Eve.

Aye. Superman!

Santa, ya prick!

Oh, Santa.

I'll have an Advocaat.

Sorry, Peggy.
Ye've had the last of it, darlin'.

- Shite!
- Aye, it's shite.

I mean, who drinks Advocaat,
for God's sake?

Isa. We've ten minutes to get her pressie!

Christ.

Oh, here, boys, are ye going
past Eagle Heights, by any chance?

- Piss off!
- Aye!

Look, there's a reason
why you've no delivered them all.

With all due respect,
you're no' a qualified postman.

You're not professional.
That is to say,

you're not proficient
in the day- to-day skills

and techniques required
to be a postman.

- That's it.
- I don't believe I'm daein' this.

That's what we dae.

See Christmas - Christmas is a bastard.

Cards, man!

C'mon, Meena. Come stand under this,
have a gargle with mouthwash,

I'll gie ya a Christmas toungie!

Oh, Navid!
Thank Christ yer still open.

I open extra half hour Christmas Eve for
people looking for the last-minute thing.

It's good business. People go, "Oh, sh*t!
I forgot to get so-and-so something!"

- So they come here and get it.
- Half bottle of Advocaat, please.

- Havenae got any.
- What dae ye mean you've not got any?

Most popular Christmas drink,
especially with blue rinsers.

I bought tons of the shite this year.
It's done.

Oh, sh*t.

Who's it for?

- Isa.
- We've gotta get her something, jack.

JACK: We cannae not get her anythin'.

See, the thing is, that wee
half bottle gets us wur dinner.

VICTOR: Ah, it's a nice wee setup
we've got going, Navid.

Well, that's really in
the spirit of things, in't it?

Nice wee setup, is it?

That's what getting me something
means to you?

That's the sentiment. Well, thank you,
jack. Thank you, Victor.

How many times do I have to tell you?

When you come into the shop,
observe the five Bs -

Beware Bloody Beads Before Blabbing!

- Eh?
- Eh? Oh, nothin'.

(SIGHS)

- Wannae dae the gifts?
- Aye, the gifts, aye. OK.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

- What did I get you?
- Mach Three and ten blades.

That's a good thing.

- What did I get you?
- A pipe Kn*fe.

Oh, very nice. Hope you enjoy it.

She's no comin' noo, is she?

No.

What a couple of old tits we are.

Aye, you said it, boy.

Still, it's wur ain fault.
Takin' her for granted like that.

What's this?

Tuna and kidney beans.
I've got cornflakes for puddin'.

Are ye wantin' te jump straight
to the cornflakes, then?

Aye.

Anyhow, what are you daein' here?

Thought you had Christmas
all sewn up wi' yer big turkey?

- I let it go.
- Whit? Ye gied it back?

No, I set it free.

Ye set it free in Craiglang?

This is a plate, see.

Anything harder than a tottie
and it would snap.

I usually take oot my bottom set
tae gie ma gums a break.

Ma gums is like bricks,

Nae saliva, see?

Aye. Must be nice to eat
with yer own teeth, son.

(MUSIC PLAYS OUTSIDE)

- Isa, what is that?
- I don't know.

(MUSIC AND SINGING BECOMES CLEARER)

#... When we were gone astray

# Oh, tidings of comfort and joy

# Comfort and joy

# Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. #

- Is this all right?
- Come 'ere, you.

- Sorry, Isa.
- The pair of youse!

Merry Christmas!

Aye.

Hello, Vera, how are ye?
Did ye get ma card?

Oh, look, mistletoe!

(ALBERT GOBBLES)

- So it was just runnin' aboot?
- Aye.

A gift fae the gods, lads!
A gift fae the gods!