08x14 - It's the Great Pumpkin, Harry

[bunniefuu]

- Caleb, Caleb! - I know, I know!

Hurry up, I'm gonna be late for school.

- Yeah, and turn that thing down!

If you expect me to
take care of this house,

and have two jobs, and send you to college

then I'm gonna need a few
hours sleep every now and then.

- Okay, I hear ya.

Get off it, will ya?

Give it a rest.

Who needs college, anyway?

- Don't forget, the
grass still needs cutting

and the garage is a mess.

And call me at noon and wake me up

in case that stupid alarm
doesn't go off like last week.

Caleb!

Caleb, can you hear me?

- I hear you, I hear you!

- Mom.

- Hash, wake up.

Honey, wake up.

It's after midnight, come to bed.

- Oh, I was watching
a terrific horror movie.

- Yeah sure, right, with your eyes closed.

I married a magician.

Okay, Houdini, I'll be upstairs.

And do me a favor, don't
forget to blow out that candle

before you come up.

I don't want it all mushy
before tomorrow night, okay?

I love that face.

Buh-bye.

- Tomorrow night, eugh.

Tomorrow night.

Oi.

I could use a little touch of Houdini.

- Franny, working late.

Mayor's task force.

Sorry I can't be there, have fun.

Love, Harry.

It's the great pumpkin, Harry,

and you are expected in
the patch by : sharp.

I guess the mayor's task force

will just have to task without you.

Oh honey, in case you haven't noticed

I had a little something left on your desk.

It won't k*ll you to do this
one thing for me, now will it?

You know how I love to give this party,

and why do I have to go
through this every year?

Say the secret word Harry, sacrifice.

It's good for the soul,

and it ain't bad for the marriage either.

Have a safe day, Groucho.

- Oi.

- Harry, I forgot to tell you,

we're gonna be out this afternoon.

- Out where, sergeant St. John?

- The palm beach high
Halloween charity fundraiser.

We agreed to do a costume thing.

- Gosh, is it Halloween already?

- Oh you know perfectly
well what day it is, Harry.

- Yeah, it's a good day to be a ghost.

- Oh, speaking of which, you are going

to franny's party tonight, I take it?

- So, what are you two
going as to this fundraiser?

- I'm going as little miss muffet.

- And I as the foe of ming
the merciless, flash Gordon.

Little miss muffet, and flash Gordon?

- Yeah.

- Boring.

- You think?

- Yeah, use your creativity.

Express your inner selves.

- Hey, cassy, what do you make of this?

- Leave that stuff alone, okay?

That stuff is all mine.

- Don't be so selfish, Harry.

Look at this.

Cards, chips.

- There's enough chips and dips there

to last a couch potato a month.

Wonder who's not planning on going

to his wife's party tonight.

- I can't go.

I'm having a very important

task force meeting with the mayor.

- The mayor's out of town.

- So your poker party's more important.

- I detest costume parties!

- Harry, this is franny's big night.

Now she looks forward to this all year.

Can't you just accept it gracefully?

- Last year she had me walking around

inside of a whole bunch of purple balloons

with a green felt doily on my head.

I don't know, I was supposed to be a,

a bunch of grapes, but trust me,

I looked and felt like an absolute idiot.

This year it's my Groucho
Marx to her Cleopatra.

I love franny dearly, but do you know

how ridiculous she looks

walking around with an asp on her head,

which strikingly resembles that

of a foot long Oscar Mayer wiener?

- Harry, it's Halloween.

Time to cleanse the
soul of all that is foul

before the day of saints.

Anything can go.

- Jews don't have saints,

and the one thing I will not do is go.

- Now you are being very
selfish here, don't you think?

- Hey, if you don't like
it, you can leave in a huff.

- Or a minute and a huff.

- Gimme that back!

And by the way, I'm not
being selfish, I'm being me,

and telling a white lie is not a lie.

- No, it's just fibbing.

- Go, go do your community duty,

but I'll tell ya one thing,

if either one of you tells franny anything,

the next costumes you're gonna be wearing

are gonna look a lot like those worn

by parking service personnel.

Now go, go ahead, go!

Hey Arlo.

- Hey man.

- Listen, we've changed our minds.

- Oh hey, that's far out.

That's really great for your Karma.

- I really don't wanna be
little miss muffet anymore,

and he's definitely not
ready to save Dale from ming.

- Oh wow, I don't know what
I got left in my stash man,

but whatever's there, it's yours.

- Okay.

- Hey look.

- Peter Pan?

- Yeah!

- I don't think I could see
myself dancing around

in green tights and a pointy cap, can you?

- Oh, okay well let's see.

New year's Eve, party hat, cru champagne,

and my fishnet stockings.

Does that ring a bell?

- That was a joke, cassy.

Hey, some things that happen

between married people
should remain private.

- Hey you too, huh?

Oh man, it took me a lot of
counseling to shake that gig.

- Were you married?

- No man, the cross dressing gig.

Here, try these on.

You can hop behind the
leopard curtain right back there.

- Oh here.

- Thanks, yeah polyester is back.

- Oh, it's me.

- It's me.

- Out of the night when
the full moon is bright,

a hero from the past.

Don Diego to his people,
Zorro to the oppressed.

- From a realm of spells and magic

comes the most powerful
and sexy conjurer of them all.

Vexana.

I like it.

- Oh wow, man.

I knew I took way too
many tabs back in ' .

- We'll take them.

Hey.

- Arlo.

Right here, man.

- Arlo, where are our regular clothes?

- Yeah.

- Oh, wow man.

Oh hey, did some little guy

with a lot of nose hair
come buzzin' through here?

- He might have.

- That's Fredo from the cleaners.

Efficient little hobbit.

I'll tell you what, I'll
have 'em back for you

by this afternoon, okay?

- What?

What are we supposed to do until then?

- Hey man, just like,
go with the flow, okay?

Fredo, you little troll, where are ya?

- minutes.

That's all I need.

minutes.

Lipschitz.

- My son.

My god, he's dead.

There's blood everywhere.

- The address, ma'am.

I need the address.

I'm on my way.

This day is becoming a nightmare.

- Very classy.

You'd better be careful.

Ooh, ah.

- Having to pose for pictures

with a few well behaved young ladies

doesn't exactly qualify as a
dangerous assignment, cass.

What about you in that outfit?

- Oh, I don't know, I think I
can handle a few schoolboys

and some overzealous mothers, don't you?

And remember, I'm a witch.

Any problems and I will
just turn them into frogs.

Thank you.

- Hot.

Extremely hot.

- Scorching, a true babe.

Hey, are those things real?

- What, these?

- No, those.

- Okay, you two.

- I say they're fake.

- I'd say they're real.

- Okay, well I say the
two of you better behave.

Now what's it gonna be, a kiss or a curse?

Hey, where'd you get those?

- This is palm beach, babe.

Our parents are way
charitable with our allowances.

- Just a second.

- Is that your real mustache?

It looks like something icky

crawled onto your lip and d*ed there.

Like a lizard or something.

- Just smile for the picture, sweetheart.

- Is that gross or what?

- Okay look, I don't
think this is going to work.

- Okay girls, give
Mr. Zorro a little break now.

- Miss Dawson.

- Run along now.

Shall we?

- Well, thank you for
saving me, miss Dawson.

- Sheila.

And who says I saved you?

- The alarm didn't go off,
and it was nearly two o'clock

and Caleb hadn't called me.

So I got up, and I showered,

I got dressed, and then I...

I...

Excuse me, captain lipschitz,

but shouldn't you be
taking notes or something?

I mean, you're wearing,

you look like...

- My real glasses broke.

These are just temporary,

and all the notes I need,

right up here.

Now, can I see the body?

- Yeah.

He's in the bathroom.

I had to close the door,
because I didn't wanna look.

There's so much blood.

I don't understand.

He was just there, just a few minutes ago.

- Is that window normally open?

- Yes.

We like the breeze.

Oh, captain, your clothes.

- Oh geez, will you look at this?

- You know what, I can
get you something that'll...

- no, it's okay, I'll be fine.

Is there a back door to this house?

- Yeah, it's this way.

- I think you two have
had enough, oh my gosh.

I'm sure your parents are
wondering where you are.

- But that's only bucks apiece,

and our dorky older brothers brought us.

Who wants to hang with them?

- Oops.

- Okay you two, I've had enough.

You're not Tom Hanks,
you're not John candy,

and this isn't "splash," you got it?

- There's just something about

a man in uniform, isn't there ladies?

Ooh, and this cape.

- Ladies, you'll have to
excuse me for a moment.

Miss Dawson, I...

What are you doing?

Miss Dawson, ah!

- Let me get that.

- Oh no, I'll get that.

Yes, what?

Find cassy and get back to the station.

Something very strange is going on.

- Tell me about it, Harry.

Hurry!

- Listen miss Dawson, I gotta go.

What am I doing?

- As far as I can tell, everything right.

- No miss Dawson...

- shut up.

- Oh god.

Oh geez, what?

What are you doing?

- Cakes and candy, it's a long story.

I'll explain later.

What happened to you?

- I'm not sure, really.

Listen, Harry called.

Something's come up, and we gotta go.

What?

- Nothing, just the costume I guess.

- Oh please.

- Come on, let us outta here! - Let us out!

- Want some coffee?

- No, I think I've had enough stimulation

for one day, thank you.

Something wrong?

- I'd say not.

You, whoever you are, look ravishing.

- I am vexana, enchantress of men.

- I'll say.

- Who are you?

- I am Dracula, devourer of women.

- Ah ah, I see.

So the true you comes out.

- Cassy.

Come on.

Hey Harry, I thought that you weren't going

to franny's Halloween party.

- I'm not, but that
doesn't explain you two.

- Oh, well the costume shop made a mistake

and accidentally sent our
stuff out for dry cleaning.

We'll get it back this afternoon.

- And this is a new fashion
statement on your part?

- Cute, very cute.

I broke my glasses, I
got blood all over my shirt.

The only thing I haven't
ruined today is my pants.

Here, what do you make of this?

- Oh, sorry.

- Oliver stone is gonna do a
movie about the conspiracy

to ruin my day today!

- Did you get this off the body?

- There was no body.

I found the amulet outside of the window,

assuming there was a
body there to begin with.

- What are you talking about, Harry?

- This.

Found it in the bathroom on the windowsill,

next to a whole bunch of candles.

There's an address on the
back, some antique store.

- You think she's hiding something?

- I don't know, I don't know.

I just don't buy the vanishing body bit.

Could be an insurance scam.

She's working two jobs,
she's afraid of losing the house.

Then again, it could be a Halloween prank,

kids, I don't know.

- What about all that blood?

- If it was human.

After I left, Morton sent his troops in.

We're gonna know soon.

- Okay, so let's go do a little antiquing.

- Good idea, I'll be with right you.

I've gotta change my pants.

- Can I watch? - Out, out!

- Increase and cotton
mather were driving forces

in Salem in the late s.

The witch trials were considered essential

to cleanse the puritan culture of impurity.

Not only could a woman be accused

of using spells and idolatry,

she could also stand trial
if someone, usually a man,

even dreamt of her in a sexual way.

Max.

- In that case, I accuse
Tori of being a witch.

- Thank you for sharing, Max.

Okay class, remember today,

senior class Halloween swim
party, five o'clock promptly.

Costumes of course are
optional, but masks are a must!

- Miss ramsdale, you should know,

Tori's not the only woman I
could accuse of being a witch.

- Insolence directed towards
authority is a foul crime,

and you my dear, smack of it.

Now be on your best
behavior today at my house,

or you will see a side of me
that most consider distasteful.

Am I clear?

- Very.

- Bye-bye, now.

Leah, Naomi, I'd like
a word with you please.

When I hand out a special assignment,

I expect it to be completed
promptly and accurately.

Apparently I haven't made myself clear.

- But miss ramsdale, we...

- no, there are no buts, Naomi.

- It's in here.

It's in here.

- Judging by the name of that
matchbook, this is the place.

- Yes, I assure you,
the delivery will be made.

I am mather, may I be of assistance?

- Do we know you?

- Have either of you been in here before?

- No.

Palm beach police department.

- Do you have identification?

- Yes, yeah.

Actually, do you have yours?

- Yes, so I see.

But why should I be of interest to you?

- We wondered if you
might know what this is.

- Where did you get this?

- Did it come from your shop?

- Yes, you do not want to get involved.

- Well what is it, who bought it?

- Very well.

But you have been warned.

Naomi.

- Yes, Mr. Mather?

- Bring me the book on the trials.

It's an amulet, a juju.

But instead of warding
evil off, this one brings it on.

Some years ago, I
purchased a rather unusual

collection of jewelry from an old estate.

Two amulets struck
identically, except for one detail.

On this one, the pyre is a flame.

On the other, it remains unlit.

According to legend,
the witch atop the unlit fire

was saved from burning by her goodness.

The fire would not light.

But the other, the queen of the dark,

a witch driven by
conceit and lies, perished.

As the flames consumed
her, she swore to return

each years on the anniversary of her

burning, Halloween,

to feast on the blood of
someone selfish and deceitful.

So she might live forever.

- Whoa, she must really be fat.

That description fits everybody.

- The sacrifice, however, may
not be made by her own hand.

She must have help.

And the k*ll must be fresh.

- Please, could you just give that a rest?

- Why?

I'm .

- As she sits down to
feast, she places the amulet

on the forehead of her victim,

thus sanctifying the meal.

- Charming.

No pun intended.

- So, who bought the amulet?

- The buyers are unknown.

I mailed them to two separate addresses.

- Mailed?

- Yes, the purchase was made by telephone.

I believe I have the
records in the back, Naomi?

- Cassy, when we get back to the station,

I want you to check
with Morton on the blood.

Tom and I are gonna
run down these addresses.

- That's great, you take

all the fun assignments for yourself.

You know, you get all the fun.

I get sterling.

- Have a nice day.

I should be going.

- Yes, you should.

You're very fortunate that
the amulet has been found.

Does she know?

- No, I don't think so.

Please don't tell.

- It's not wise for me
to keep things from her.

Someone is coming.

Oh yes, I think he's perfect.

- Your choice is lacking, Leah.

- Why won't Caleb do?

I mean, he cheated on a test,

and he dumped Naomi for
that little bitch, susie Parsons.

- Those are the sins of a child.

Once in a century, I dine,

and you dare to bring me a morsel

when I demand a feast!

Where is the selfishness
I crave, the deceit I need?

Where is the amulet?

- It fell off when Naomi and
I were getting Caleb for you.

- Without the charm to
consecrate the meal, I die!

Carelessness, ineptitude, and treachery.

Perhaps you are the taste I hunger for,

little Leah.

- Ribbit.

Ribbit.

- Morton, Morton, Morton,
what are you doing?

- Dissection.

Sharpening the old skills

as my last autopsy was a bit sloppy.

- No, but the frog's still alive.

- Oh, but he won't be in a sec.

What can I do for you?

- I came to see what you found out

about the blood from the Carson house.

Morton, have you been drinking?

- Maybe, a touch.

- Morton is that the...

- Bloody Mary, want some?

- No, thank you.

What did you learn about
the blood, animal or human?

- Human, red blooded male.

Like me.

- Sterling, we're friends.

I don't think you wanna do this.

Ah, hey look it's party time.

I think you've had too much to...

- vexana, enchantress,
what better sustenance

for Dracula to devour?

You are one gorgeous female.

- Morton, I'm warning you!

Ah, frogs, men are all frogs

looking for a female
Lily pad to land on, hm?

Morton?

Morton!

Oh, Morton are you all right?

I didn't mean to...

Uh-oh.

- Ah, Mrs.? - Miss, miss ramsdale.

And you must be...

- captain lipschitz, palm
beach police, homicide.

- Well, given the way you're dressed,

you will fit right in to
my party, do come in.

- Nice party.

Nice costume, too.

- A little envy, captain?

Touch of lust, perhaps?

- Well, I,

I believe this belongs to you.

- Intriguing, but no it's not mine.

My charm captain rests
upstairs, in my bedroom.

I'd be happy to show you.

You know, being a teacher

is so stressful these days, captain.

The young ones lie so easily.

- Yeah, well,

I used every one in the book in my day.

Even added a few.

You know the one that goes,
"the dog ate my homework?"

It's mine.

Nowadays, just bigger lies
for bigger problems, that's all.

Yeah, what the heck?

Little deception goes a long
way, you know what I mean?

Comes in handy.

- And tell me, captain, do you consider

that you are at times, selfish?

- Selfish?

Could be my middle name.

- Leah!

He is perfect.

Prepare him for trial.

You must respect me in my home!

I will not stay here, I'm leaving you,

can't look at you again!

You'll never leave me!

- You are a pig!

I wash, I cook, I clean,
and it's never right,

it's never enough!

I will never marry you!

- You will do as I say, when I say woman!

- Leave her alone!

- Who do you think you are,
entering my house this way?

- My house, you animal!

- I am sergeant Tom Ryan,
palm beach police department.

- Let me see your badge.

- I don't need no stinkin' badge.

- You will regret what
you have done, senor.

- Hold it right there.

- You will regret saying

that I will regret what I have done.

Haha.

- You are so brave.

You have saved me.

- Don't I know you?

- Not as well as you will, my savior.

- No, but you, you're...

- and you have made me so hot.

- Cassy?

You seen Morton?

He's my ride to franny's party.

I checked the lab.

Place is a wreck.

- I'm sorry, I can't help you.

What happened to you?

- I tracked down the
address for the other amulet,

but I never got a chance to ask about it

'cause there was this young lady,

and no, nothing happened.

Geez, it's not what you're thinking, cassy,

except, well I did run a
guy through with my sword

right through the heart dead.

Can you b*at that?

Oh yeah.

Morton's a frog.

- What?

- He tried to put the
make on me in the lab,

and I hit him with a vexana curse.

- What?

- No no, don't.

- I've been trying to get
ahold of Harry all day,

but his cellphone's not answering.

- No, he hasn't checked
in for over four hours.

- Well what the hell is going on, cass?

- You're both under arrest, that's what.

- He's the one who k*lled my boyfriend,

and tried to have his way with me.

- And you, miss St. John,

are wanted for questioning

in the strange disappearance
of one sterling Morton.

- This man, this captain
lipschitz, he calls himself.

Is nothing but a self-absorbed,
cold, calculating liar.

A man who cares only for himself.

A beautifully selfish man, I might add.

Who is fit only for consumption.

- No, no lies, all lies, I object!

Your honor, it's not like that.

I'm honest, I'm giving!

- Order, order in my court!

It is the liar who lies.

- No, I didn't, I didn't!

- Oh, did you or did you
not refuse to go to a party?

- Well, I didn't refuse.

I had a prior engagement.

- A prior engagement, to a poker game?

Lies!

No!

Order!

- You're putting this in the wrong light!

- How did you leave the house this morning?

- Very quietly.

- Quietly?

You snuck out, like the slithering, slimy,

low slung snake that you are!

Order, order, order!

- I object!

- Objection overruled!

And now, it's time for the verdict.

Yes, how say you, how say you?

Guilty, guilty, guilty!

- No, wait, I want, I want an appeal,

an appeal, I want an appeal!

- An appeal, you say?

Very well, and so you shall have it.

Your honor, an appeal.

How you say?

- Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty!

Guilty, guilty, guilty!

Wake up sweetheart, open your eyes.

- No!

What? - What?

- No, no!

- Honey, don't be so touchy.

See, you fall asleep at the office,

I give you a kiss to wake you up,

and that's the thanks I get?

You'd think I was trying to
put a curse on your head.

- You mean, it was only a...

- What's all the commotion?

- I told him, lay off the horror movies.

It gives him bad dreams.

- That's my franny,
always watching out for me.

- Tom and I are on our way
to that high school fundraiser.

We'll see you at the party tonight, Harry?

- Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss it for all
the amulets in palm beach.

I still say it looks like a wiener.

- I think she looks cute.

- And I think you look pretty cute.

- And I think...

Feels like I got a frog in my throat.

- Lipschitz.

- My son.

My god, he's dead.