[ Dialing ]
[ Dialing ]
Hello?
Hello?
Tiffany?
Tabitha?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I was just calling you.
But I was just calling you.
But it didn't ring here.
It didn't ring here either.
Both: oh, my god! I love it
when that happens!
Aaaaahhhhh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, if you gentlemen would all
like to turn to page six,
We'll take a look at the
international overview.
Now, I know it's [clears throat]
common knowledge
That we lost some money
in the last quarter,
But I feel that it's premature
to blame our logo.
Now --
Armstrong?
Which one of you pus-heads
is brent armstrong?
Um, the guy
with the pointer.
Figures.
I'm sorry, brent.
He wouldn't wait.
Who the hell are you?
I...am the eradicator.
The eradicator.
Armstrong,
you missed our squash game.
Oh, the "d" squash ladder.
Yeah.
I'm sorry. I forgot.
It was very rude.
So we'll call it
a default then.
Whatever.
Another win
for the eradicator!
I climb the "d" squash ladder
one rung at a time.
Today you were my rung,
armstrong.
Don't try to follow me.
I have a cab waiting.
Eradicator!
Nice game.
You deserved it.
Thanks. It was fun.
Who you playing next?
Um...
Eradicator.
He must be good.
He beat brent armstrong.
Yeah.
Eradicator!
Hello.
Hi, there.
And who are you?
I am your worst nightmare.
Maurice lawerence
from high school?
No, I didn't go
to your high school.
Oh, you know too much about me
already.
I...am the eradicator.
Oh.
When I stand atop
the "d" squash ladder,
Then and only then
will I reveal my true identity.
James thorson,
I shall defeat you.
Great.
How 'bout tuesday morning?
Uh, tuesday is no good
for the eradicator.
How 'bout wednesday,
: a.m.?
Sure. That'd be fine.
You will now spend each moment
Between now and the match
worrying.
Every minute will be
a universe of terror,
A marathon of fear.
: --
I'll try not to forget.
Don't try to follow me.
Tick, tick, tick.
Eradicator!
Morning.
Aah!
Eradicator!
I'm not late, am i?
No. I slept here all night
to get a feel for the court.
Great.
Well, let's rally for serve.
Let the carnage begin.
Well, you almost won
the second game.
I think my mighty scream
was a bit off.
I think it was your serve.
Do you wanna unmask me?
No, I'm fine.
It's your right.
No, everything's okay.
Okay.
Hey, you can always join
the volleyball team.
Eradicator!
[ Classical music plays ]
[ Music stops ]
Thank you, marla.
Thank you, thank you.
Time for dancing is over.
Time for sitting is now.
Thank you, dear.
Marla,
you are a fine dancer.
All your teachers
Have spoken very highly
of your ability, you know.
But as you know
And as you knew when you
first came to this school,
Very few of the dancers here
Will graduate
into the upper academy.
Now, each year,
I am asked to select one girl
Who I think will reflect well
on this school,
And this year,
Only two girls were deemed
worthy of that privilege --
Yourself and nicole roby.
[ Knock on door ]
yes?
Hiya!
Oh, hello, nicky.
Sorry I'm late.
Nicky, what happened
to your face?
Oh, I got into
another fight.
A fight?
I'm okay,
but you should see daphne.
[ Laughs ]
Move it, marla.
Now, marla,
I know that, uh...
I know that many of you
and your classmates
Think that nicole, well,
is a pig, but --
No, I am not.
Yes, you are.
No, no.
Untrue, no.
Great! Snacks!
Yes, snacks.
Ballet and snacks --
my two passions.
Now, I know
that you may think
That nicole's clumsy
and without skill,
But I must tell you
That unless you have the dance
in your heart,
Skill and technique
are useless things to a dancer.
It's the same
with bowling.
Exactly, exactly.
I think what I'm trying to say,
marla,
Is that I've found you to be
too much of a perfectionist.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I know nicole is flawed,
But look at those eyes,
marla.
Those eyes have soul.
And I can't bear to think that
that won't be given a chance.
I'm sorry, marla, but I cannot
recommend you for the academy.
The spirit of dance
is in nicky.
[ Music resumes ]
Hoopla!
Eh? Eh?
[ Music stops ]
You know,
with a little work --
Well, you know,
with a lot of work --
She may go far.
But I'm afraid that you --
you were never a dancer.
I'm sorry if this news
has made you unhappy.
The sorrow will pass.
Trust me.
And one more thing --
I'm kidding.
[ Laughing ]
I mean, come on.
Nicole in the academy?
Where are your brains,
girl?
[ Laughing ]
You mean I didn't make it?
No, of course not.
Well, to hell
with my diet then.
That's the spirit.
That's the champion spirit.
Oh, god, I need a drink.
Oh! Oh!
Nicole, what about you?
Sure. Why the hell not?
Gimme a belt.
I love ballet.
Mrs. Chadwick?
Yes, dear?
May I cry?
Oh, please, go ahead.
Weep your eyes out.
Cheers.
To the art form.
To ballet.
Hey, wall street,
don't panic.
I mean, I'm only crushing
your heads.
Crush you!
What the hell do you guys
find to talk about anyway?
"I like to put my money
into texaco."
"Well, I like to put it
into gulf."
"Well, I put my money
in my mattress."
"Well, I put my money
in my wallet."
You're boring me.
I'm crushing your head.
I'm crushing your head.
Hey, I just renamed your firm
merrill lynch and a flathead.
Crush you!
I crush you.
Hail to you,
wretched bike courier.
On streets of shame,
choking on car exhaust,
Just trying to carve out
that slice of the american dream
With your -wheeled knife.
I pity you...and I crush you.
Sorry. Nothing personal.
I'm apolitical.
Excuse me.
What are you doing?
I'm doing something.
What? Like what?
Something with people.
What are you doing?
Hold that thought.
Conference call.
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
That's what I'm doing.
Flathead. Ha!
Like putty in my hands,
these business boys.
Hi, my name is david foley,
and --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
That's very kind of you.
It's very kind of you.
I was just wanting to tell you
About something that happened
during this week of rehearsal.
It's something that we sort of
came across,
Something, well, that we sort of
discovered.
Um...and certainly nothing
That we ever expected to do
as a comedy troupe,
And I'm sure it's nothing that
you as a comedy audience
Ever expected to hear from
a comedy troupe.
But, uh...okay, here it is.
Uh...we discovered the cause
of cancer.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I guess the best thing
to do here
Is just to bring bruce out here.
Bruce, are you there?
Bruce mcculloch,
ladies and gentlemen.
Bruce mcculloch.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bruce mcculloch.
Bruce...mcculloch.
Thanks.
Uh, bruce has something that
he'd like to say to everyone.
Go ahead, bruce.
Hi.
Go on, bruce.
Hi.
Just do it, bruce.
Come on.
Okay.
Well, do it.
Let's go.
Dave foley,
ladies and gentlemen.
Just do it, bruce.
You're wasting a lot of time.
Bruce mcculloch would like
to say -- bruce, please.
I'm sorry I caused
all that cancer.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I didn't realize it was such
a hideous disease.
[ Laughter ]
I suppose you think
that makes it okay.
"I'm sorry I caused
all that cancer."
You don't even sound like
you mean it, bruce.
Dave, you asked me to apologize,
and that's just what I did.
In rehearsal,
you sounded like you meant it.
But this was pretty lame,
bruce.
I think you should apologize
like you actually mean it.
Fine, david.
I'm sorry I caused
All that throat cancer
and all that bowel cancer.
I was just on a roll.
[ Laughter ]
And?
And I won't do it again.
Thank you, bruce.
[ Applause ]
[ Gasps ]
What's wrong?
I had the pear dream again.
Was I there?
Yes.
I think I'm insane.
I know you are.
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
[ Gasps ]
What's wrong?
I had the pear dream again.
Was jules there?
Yes.
He gave me the pear.
We are lost.
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
[ Gasps ]
What's wrong?
I had the pear dream again.
[ Gasps ]
[ Both gasp ]
[ Both gasp ]
[ All gasp ]
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
[ Birds chirping ]
Go to sleep.
[ Blues music plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
You know,
there's more than one way
To learn how to play the blues.
In fact, there's two ways.
The first way, you know,
you study an instrument --
Your guitar, your harp,
whatever you got --
Like your leadbelly.
And the second way
is to get hurt.
I got hurt the best way --
By a woman, by a mean,
bitchy woman.
Yes, sir.
She gave me the blues so bad
I be lying in my hotel room
at : in the morning,
I can't even open up
the refrigerator door,
I got the blues so bad.
I got the blues so bad
I be lying on my bed,
I can't even turn myself over.
I got the blues so bad
I be lying there,
my eyes be popping wide open.
I got to call up a friend,
say, "buddy, get on over here.
Shut my eyes for me.
I got the blues."
I got hurt by a real
professional, yes, sir, I did.
She called herself kathie.
Now, that's kathie with a "k."
He said that about me?
That I was a bitch?
A mean mistreater?
Moi?
Well, if having high
dating standards
Means that I'm a bitch, then --
well, I'm not a bitch.
He's melodramatic.
I really like mississippi gary.
I do.
But after a while, dating
a blues guy can get depressing.
I mean, he brings his work
home with him.
I mean, gary,
I don't like mondays either,
But I still go to work.
I mean, he sits around all day
watching soap operas,
Waiting for his career
to take off.
He says that he's played
with all the greats.
I say, "good.
Let's fill out a résumé."
But, no, his whining is starting
to make me a little mad.
When kathie with a "k" got mad,
you understand,
She get the devil
right in her eye,
And she take out
all her troubles
On her blues-loving guy.
And she don't hurt a guy
one time.
No, sir,
she hurt a guy five times.
One time,
she won't talk to me.
Two times,
she won't walk with me.
Three times,
she won't squawk with me.
Four times,
she won't walk with me,
But in a different place,
you understand.
And five times,
she start to eat.
'Cause when kathie with a "k"
get the devil in her eye,
The devil take this bus
And drives straight down
to her thighs.
She be a fat thing,
I'm telling you.
I eat. I do.
I pick, I nibble.
Under stress,
I have a little food.
But I don't have
an eating disorder.
I don't hide food.
I don't puke on purpose.
I mean, we were at the keg,
for heaven sakes.
That salad bar
is three miles long.
I mean, even if you have
a little bit of this
And a little bit of that,
Before you know it,
you're in way over your head.
Well, of course I was eating.
He was yelling at me so much.
I be waiting five minutes.
I be waiting minutes.
I be waiting minutes.
Finally, I say, "waiter, waiter,
bring me a cup of coffee,
'Cause I'm waiting on a mean
mistreater here," yes, sir.
I'm sorry, mississippi gary.
I think it's time that we both
started seeing other people.
[ Harmonica plays ]
I mean, he's a fun date,
but he's no life partner.
[ Harmonica plays ]
There are other fish in the sea,
and some of them aren't drunk.
[ Harmonica plays ]
I know a hundred women like her,
all with those dewdrop glasses.
They drive me crazy.
Child.
Heartbreaker.
Ill-mannered.
Love taker.
Irresponsible.
Ooh, swamp witch.
I want the money
you owe me back.
You know, I thought I left her
kind back in the bayou.
One, two, three, four.
[ Blues music plays ]
Oh, I can't.
It's just too cruel.
But I must.
It's my job.
No, I can't.
It's just too cruel!
Hey, kid!
Hey, kid!
Who dressed you
this morning?
My mom.
Uh-huh.
And you like that suit?
Yeah.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And what do you want to be
when you grow up?
A businessman,
a businessman!
Then I'm crushing your
precocious little head.
Crush, crush, crush, crush.
Crush. Crush.
Why did I do that?
I feel terrible.
He was just a kid...
Just a cute little kid.
I must go to church
and confess.
I must.
Oh, father, forgive me.
I should wait till I get
to church to say that.
Tell it to the man.
Tell it to his face.
Why am I always crushing heads?
That was just a little kid.
He didn't deserve that.
I mean, I should crush the guy
who sold him that suit.
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your --
oh, there I go again.
Once a head crusher,
always a head crusher.
You've got to get a grip
of yourself.
You don't have to do it
Every single time someone comes
around the --
I'm crushing your head!
Stop, stop.
Stop it, stop it.
You don't have to crush
every head.
You don't have to --
not everyone,
Just maybe . % Of them
deserve to be flatheads.
Not the kid.
01x01 - Episode 1
Watch/Buy Amazon
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.