01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Announcer:
helens agree.

Love hurts! Love hurts!
Love hurts! Love hurts!

He'll break your heart,
honey.

Announcer:
helens agree.

Love hurts.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Mid-tempo rock music plays ]

Sketch comedy -- what is it?

What is required?

The first thing that is needed
for a comedy sketch

Is a premise.

How about a "what if" premise?

What if a man awoke one morning

To discover his chest
had been colonized by spain?

[ Yawns ]

[ Spanish accent ]
I claim this chest

In the name of spain.

The premise
has been established.

The comedic possibilities
are inherent.

All that is needed for this
scene to progress is a conflict.

[ French accent ]
I claim this chest

In the name of france.

Psst!

Oh, a spaniard!

French!

My chest!

My chest!

My chest.

The conflict has been
set in motion.

The scene is doing
extremely well.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

It's not my birthday!
I swear it's not.

No, it's yours.

All that is required now

For this to be a fully formed
and well-rounded comedy sketch

Is a resolution.

I'm telling you,
I circled it!

I don't think so

Because I'm a cancer,
and it's not --

[ Russian accent ]
scram, spain!

Shake a leg, france!

Why, I ought to sell your eyes
to my angry sister.

They're gone, friend.

But I claim this chest
for mother russia!

Good morning!

Notice the mug
to the audience.

This indicates that the punch
line has been delivered.

This is generally followed
by a blackout.

Announcer:
helens agree.

Helens:
honesty is the best policy.

If you cheat on your wife,

Really, aren't you only
cheating yourself?

I should know. I've been married
for years...

Adding up all my marriages.

If a guy won't tell you
where he lives, watch out.

Or if he owns
his own pool cue.

Announcer: helens agree.

Honesty is the best policy.

[ Upbeat rock music plays ]

It all looks so good.

Maybe I'll have the lobster
and the steak.

Uh, the appetizers
are good here.

The fried "camemberat,"
$ . ,

Is excellent and filling.

Well, there are my hips.
Maybe I'll just have a salad.

Thanks!
Why won't you let me forget

That I have a cabbage
for a head?!

I didn't mean it
that way at all.

I'm sorry.

I guess I've just been touchy
about things since birth.

I'm very sorry.

Okay, I guess you'll have
to make it up to me

By [chuckles]
sleeping with me, then.

[ Chuckling ]

You're kidding, right?

Yeah, kidding.

Uh, the lady will have
a bowl of gin, no ice.

We don't have time
for it to melt.

[ Laughs ]

And I'll have a rum and rye.

And could you garnish that
with a couple of tums?

What a manly drink.

Yes, I'm having such strong
feelings about you

That I'm having trouble
with my gut.

That's horribly romantic.

Oh.

[ Violin plays ]

I have something
to tell you.

I know I've only
known you an hour,

But...i love you.

Will you get out of here?!
I'm trying to talk!

I love you.

Wow, the words
felt so purifying.

I've never uttered them
to anyone before...

Well, before noon.

Really?

Yeah, really!
What's with the third degree?!

Ooh, sorry. My emotions
are making me testy.

Listen, I just don't want
to be alone tonight.

Although I do want to be alone
when I wake up,

If you know what I'm saying.

I thought
you were different.

I am.
Look at my head!

Ughhhh!

I'm tired of talking
about your head, frankly.

Oh.

This isn't working,
is it?

No, it isn't, frankly.

Sometimes you go on a date
with someone,

And it's like magic.

Other times, it sucks.

Yes, it does.

We're both adults.

I think we both know
the adult thing to do

Would be to cut our losses.
%.

We'll forego the expense
of dinner

And just have sex
in the can.

Er, uh, ooh.
I mean, the ladies room.

Pardon my french.

I think I'm gonna
go home now.

What? I paid
for your bus fare.

You owe me!

Goodbye.

Come on, baby.
One ride deserves another!

Once you go green,
you'll never go back!

The service drove
my mademoiselle away!

"Helga foisy."
That's my mother's name.

Listen, helga...
How about a date?

I'm sorry. I have a rule
about dating creeps.

And what is that rule?

No.

Helga, I could just live
between your breasts.

And I don't mean that
in a sexist way.

Can I get a towel?
A lettuce spinner?

You!! I asked you --
I blame you!

Get out of here!!

Why don't you play something
sexy...like "shaft"?

What?!

What?!

P.a. Announcer:
ladies and gentlemen,

If you'll turn your attention
to center field,

The children of the farm belt,

Inspired by the impact
of technology on their lives,

Spontaneously,
and without rehearsal,

Salute the tractor.

There they go.
America's youngest and finest.

Let's give them a big hand.

[ Marching band plays ]

[ Cheering ]

Oh! [ Chuckles ]

Glick.
[ Imitates engine ]

[ Imitating engine ]

Whoa! Ho ho ho ho
ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

[ Mid-tempo rock music plays ]

Great party, huh?

I actually don't know anyone
at the party.

I'm kind of new
to the neighborhood,

[Laughing] actually.

But my friend chris said,
"come to the party.

You'll know everybody by
the time you leave the party."

Chris knows everybody,
and soon I'll know everybody.

Of course,
chris didn't show up.

So I guess I got to mingle.
So here I am mingling!

Of course,
mingling really isn't my game.

I'm not really a mingler,
per se.

I was actually
in the corner alone, mingling.

[ Chuckling ] that means
I'm not talking to anyone.

I saw you over here. I said,
"there's a guy by himself.

"I'll mingle with this guy.

This guy looks like
a mingler."

So hi, I'm derek.
Pleased to meet you.

Well, it certainly is
a pleasure to meet you, derek.

I'm sorry
if I bothered you.

Oh, no. You're
not bothering me, derek.

Far from it.

There's nothing
I would rather do

Than just stand here
and chat with you --

You know?
Really get to know you.

Look, I don't think there's
any need to be sarcastic.

Oh! I'm not being sarcastic!

Nooooo.

This is just
a little speech impediment.

I can't help it.

Okay, I've obviously said
or done something wrong

To upset you.

I'm just gonna apologize
and be on my way.

No, no, no. Please stay.

It's true. I've talked this way
all...my...life.

It's made things
very difficult for me.

Yeah, right.

Hey! Where are you going?
Come back!

I really want to be
your friend.

I'm so lonely.

[ Upbeat music plays ]

[ Piano lounge music plays ]

They say
that blacks are inferior

'Cause they like to dance
and screw around.

Excuse me?

I love to dance.

And as far as I'm concerned,
screwing is next to godliness.

And I'm the smartest
person I know.

They say that orientals
are superior

Because they're better at math
and have smaller families.

I guess that's why there's only
a billion people in china.

Hmm.

I mean, I'm certainly
not having any children.

Yet I don't hear a lot
of people running around,

Touting the superiority
of faggots.

Well, just me.
[ Chuckles ]

They say that whites
are smarter than blacks

But dumber than orientals.

I guess we're
just right. Hmm?

We're the porridge
that goldilocks chose...

Not too hot
like those saucy africans,

But not too cold
like those chilly chinese.

They say that heterosexuals
are better than h*m*

Because we're so promiscuous.

I guess that means
we're also black.

It makes sense
'cause we can really dance.

And boy,
do we understand the blues.

People make fun of me
because I lisp.

Really, such a lot of fuss
over a few extra "s's."

They say that every different
group has their own language.

For example, fags say things
like "girl" and "sister"

And "what's her problem?"

Another example -- another
example -- foxy, black mamas.

They say things like "girl"
and "sister"

And "what's her problem?"

Makes you think.

Hmm. [ Laughs ]

And straight men say things
like "no" and "too expensive"

And "touchdown" and "score!"

They're so together.

So let's recap, shall we?

Blacks are inferior

Because they supposedly
commit more crime

And test lower
on white people's i.q. Tests.

Hmm. I don't know about you, but
if I was raised in the ghetto,

I'd be out there
ripping off whitey

And forgetting the capital
of maine.

And orientals aren't supposed
to be as sexually driven

As blacks or whites.

Hmm. I guess all those tourists

Who flock to
the fleshpots of bangkok

Are there for the food.

And blacks,
because they apparently have

Larger-than-usual genitalia,
are called stupider.

And orientals,
because they supposedly have

Smaller-than-usual genitalia,
are called smarter,

Not cheated.

[ Applause ]

And whites again have perfect
wieners and buns.

I guess we're just smart enough.

Smart enough to stay
out of trouble

But too dumb
to run convenience stores.

I don't know what all the fuss
is all about.

We're all just here
to find love.

I just think the world
would be a lot better place

If the scientists
could keep their slide rules

In their pants.

It reminds me of something

That yoko ono once said to
malcolm "x" in a bistro in rome.

"Oh, the food's terrible.
But the waiter's hilarious."

[ Piano lounge music continues ]

Announcer:
helens agree.

Helens: you can't pay too much
for a good pair of shoes!

Sensible shoes make sense.

I spend a lot of time
on my feet,

And these make it
a lot easier.

My god, your feet
are what you walk on.

Announcer:
helens agree.

You can't pay too much
for a good pair of shoes.

Okay, I'll, uh,
see your $

And raise you $ .

I ante, and I fold.

Okay.

I'll see your $
and raise you $ .

So it's $ to me?

Yep.

Okay, I'll see the $ ,
and I'll raise $ .

Okay, I'll see the $ ,
and I'll raise $ .

All: ooh!

Okay,
I'll fold.

I'll fold.

I'm still folded.

I'll see your $
and call.

[ Laughs ]

I knew it --
a pair of 's.

You're the worst bluffer
in the history of poker.

My grandmother could tell
you were bluffing.

Why don't we
shut up then?

Everyone knows
I can't bluff.

Read 'em
and weep.

I wish I could weep.

My deal?

So are you in or out?
I want more of your money.

Give me a minute.
Are you in
or out?

Would you just
give me a minute?!

What's wrong with you --
having your period?

[ Laughter ]

What if I was, huh?

Do you want
to step outside?

No, I just want to have
a period, that's all.

Just one a month, okay?

Come on, guys.
Why?

Might help a guy
organize his time.

Yeah. Each month I'd feel
my body become fertile,

And I'd say, "no, I choose
not to have a baby.

Oh, rent's due."

Well, that'd be, uh...

That'd be pretty ridiculous,
you know,

Because I hear menopause
is ugly.

Oh?

Really?
I heard it's great.

I hear it's like
taking ecstasy

And a rocket-ship ride
all rolled into one.

Well, we will never know,
will we?

Deal.

I, uh, ran into arlene
the other day.

Which one's
arlene again?

You know,
with the big tits.

Oh, right. I wish my girlfriend
had tits like that.

Oh, come on.

I wish I had tits
like that.

Breasts like that.

Mcdonald: uh, why?

I don't know.

To give milk or whatnot,
nurture another living thing.

I don't know --
lots of reasons.

Foley:
yeah, I understand.

Yeah, well,
I'll tell you this --

You'd get in
a lot of trouble

If your foreman caught you
breast-feeding

On the loading dock.

Well, then I'd just have
to get a job

In a more
enlightened warehouse.

Yeah, you don't
need them.

No, I wouldn't.

You know,
arlene's having a baby.

That's right.
She says it's a boy.

No ultrasound --
she just knows.

Wow, that's amazing.

God, I'd like
to have a baby.

What would you
want a baby for?

I'm bored.

Oh, you would be
such a rotten mother.

You would be such a rotten,
rotten mother.

I would not!

You'd be horrible.

Do you want to know
who would be a good mother?

I would be a good mother.

No, you would make
a great wet nurse.

Howard would make
a great mother.

Howard? Why howard?

Foley:
well, think about it.

I'm nurturing.

I still have that rubber plant
from college.

You're kidding.

That thing was, like,
this big when you got it.

And how big is it now?
' ".

Wow!

I just wouldn't have
the patience.

Let's play cards,
please.

All right.

Okay, gents,

I'd like to be a d*ke.

[ Laughs ]

Who wouldn't?

Don't be crass.
I meant that.

I'd like to be buried
in the sisterhood of women.

Yeah, lesbians
are so great.

They get so much done
in a day.

Yeah. You know why?

'Cause they get it done
together.

There's no competition.

With them,
it's "go, team" all the way.

Wow, women together, huh?

Is that women with a "y"?

Oh, do you have to ask?

Oh, wait, wait!
Sorry. I forgot
to call wild.

What do you want wild?
Put your cards down.
'S.

'S, 's, 's.

'S and 's.

Face cards.

Okay, everything's wild.

What do you got?

Aces.

Aces.

Aces.

Aces.

I got nothing.

Everything's wild.
Well, I got nothing.

No, he's right.
He's got nothing.

You are the worst
poker player

In the history
of poker.