01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Not much call for
a gunfighter nowadays.

Candy apples!

Hot cashews!

Caramel corn!

g*n for hire!

Candy apples!

Now remember, nicky,
no screw-ups this time.

All right.
It's our big break.

If we fix the lights

In this crazy mad scientist's
apartment building,

We're sure to be accepted
in high society.

Well, it sure is
dark down here.

Of course it is.

Why else would they need us,
you moron?

Well,
I don't like it.

Ah, you're
such a chicken.

Sometimes I wish you were more
of a man, you know, if I --

Whoa! Whoa!

Why, I oughta!
Why, you oughta!

If I had
half a mind!

If I had
the other half --

Well, then...jeez,
this place gives me the creeps!

I completely concur.

Let's just
fix the fuse box

And go rent our tuxes
for the big...

Soiree. Soiree.

Did you bring
the toolbox?

Oh, I left them
on the truck!

Oh, then go get it,
einstein!

I'm going the way I came,
only in reverse.
Oh, gee, whatta-whatta-
yatta-youda-yatta.

...why I get
dragged into these things...

Ah, that's it.

Hand me the wrench.

Come on. I don't
have all day, einstein.

Come on.
Give me the wrench.

Jeez! Put some wings
on your feet.

Hurry up, there.

Boy, oh, boy.

Okay,
hand me the wrench.

Jeez, I don't recall your arm
being so hairy

Or your corresponding
shoulder or --

Whoo!
Whoo!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

[ Roars ]

I'm not really a gorilla.

[ Laughter ]

I'm just actor/comedian
kevin mcdonald.

[ Cheers and applause ]

But...but considering the plight
of the mountain gorilla,

We felt it was in poor taste
to use an actual gorilla.

Thank you, dave.

Dave foley.

[ Applause ]

But we hope from my performance

That we reminded you
just a little bit of the power,

The grace, and the beauty
of the mountain gorilla

And stirred you emotionally
to their cause.

As little as years ago,
these awesome cousins of ours

Thrived in the mountain regions
of rwanda.

Today, only remain,

Their numbers depleted
by unrestrained poaching

And the destruction
of their natural habitat

By the ever-encroaching
human population.

Recently, the fight to save
these magnificent creatures

Has taken a tragic turn,

For the most vocal and vigilant
champion, dian fossey,

Was m*rder*d in her sleep.

On a lighter note,
the movie based on her life,

"Gorillas in the mist," has
grossed more than $ million

At the box office

And garnered
miss sigourney weaver

Her third oscar nomination.

Miss sigourney weaver!

[ Applause ]

It is estimated that a gorilla
dies every minutes

At the hands of poachers.

Do you realize, that means
by the time it took us

To rehearse this sketch,
a gorilla was k*lled?

Actually, no,
that's not entirely true.

We didn't really
rehearse the sketch that long...

Or at all, actually.

Let me put it this way.

By the time it takes us to do
this show -- a half-hour --

Two gorillas will die.

Of course, if the show goes
well, laughter tends to spread,

We can add another minutes,
and that's three gorillas gone!

And who says the show
has to be a half-hour?

Let the networks be damned.

For if I am hot --

And I must warn you,
ladies and gentlemen,

Right now I am feeling
particularly hot!

I, myself, could push this
to a - or -gorilla show!

Are you with me,
ladies and gentlemen?

Are you with me?
I can't hear you!

Are you with me?!
[ Applause ]

All right, all right!

I think we're ready
to start the show

And let the slaughter begin!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey.

Hey, man,
where you going?

Hey, man.
Hey.

Hey, man,
you going to work?
Hey, man.

You going
to the office, man?
What's
the big rush, man?

Come on.

Hey, man!
What's up, man?

Hey, what's
the big hurry?

[ Laughs ]

Come on.
Hey!

Hey,
you in a hurry?

Just keep cool.
Ignore them.

They're just
trying to get a reaction.

Keep your dignity.

[ Rings ]

Thank you.

Wow!
Ooh! I'm impressed.
Yeah!

Yes, sir!
Very nice place
we got here.

Nice desk!

Hey, is that a pencil
you're pushing, man?

Ooh! Ooh!

Hey, who's this,
the office donkey?

[ Laughs ]

Bet you get tired
of being a donkey, huh?

Just -- just ignore them.
Just ignore them.

They want you to get upset.
Everything's fine here.

Whoa -- I'll take that.

You can leave now,
donkey.

Don't you worry.
Relax.
Okay,
let me see this.

Whoa!
Hey, hey.

Oh, there goes the plans
for the new mall.

Watch that!

So it was a good movie.

It wasn't a great movie,

But how often do you
see a great movie?

Oh, I saw a great movie
last night.

Yeah, it was
on the late show.

It was, um, uh...
Uh...oh, what was it called?

It's a classic.
It's a classic.

It's, um, uh...oh, I hate it
when this happens.

Well, what was it about?

It's about this newspaper
tycoon, and he's dead,

And everybody's telling stories
about him, and --

It's "citizen kane."

No, that's not it.

No, no, no, no.
It's something like that.

It's, uh, it's, um...

Okay, who was in it?

Orson welles is in it.
And it's called --

Then this is "citizen kane."
It's "citizen kane."

No, that isn't it.
That isn't it.

But you're not far from it.
It's, uh...

Well, who else was in it?

Oh, I don't know...

Was joseph cotten in it?

What else has he been in?

"The third man,"
"the magnificent ambersons."

"The magnificent
ambersons." Yes.
He was in it. Yes.

That's one of my favorite
orson welles' movies.

This is definitely
"citizen kane" then.

You're talking
about "citizen kane."

No, no, no, but it's --
it's something like that.

It's "ci-- "ci--

No, not "si," not "si" --
"ci-- "ci-- "citizen kane."
""Si-- "si-- "si--

"Ci-- "ci-- "citizen kane."
"Si-- "si--

"Psycho."
It's "psycho."

No, it isn't "psycho."
It's "psycho."

No, no, no,
it isn't "psycho."

Is this about a motel owner
who's crazy

And kills a woman
in a shower?

No, no, I just told you.

It's about this
newspaper tycoon.

He had a sled named rosebud,
and they're --

Then I guess it
wasn't "psycho," was it?

No, it wasn't "psycho."
It was "citizen kane."

No, it was --
"angie -- "angie,

"Angela -- "angels --
"the trouble with angels."

No, it wasn't
"the trouble with angels."

That's a hayley mills' vehicle.
That's not even close.

"The front page."

"The front page" is a comedy.
Did you laugh once?

No.
Then I guess it wasn't
"the front page," was it?

Well, what the hell
was it then?

Look, that guy
has a newspaper.

I'm gonna borrow it,
read the tv listings,
and we'll settle this...

Oh, no, no, no, no, don't.
I want to remember this myself.

Let me settle this,
please?
Please, I want
to remember this myself.

Just sit down!

Ah, great.

That's really gonna
help me to think.

That's great.

You know what?
I almost had it.

But now thanks to you,
I've gone blank.

Okay, what time
was it on last night?

It was : .
We don't need the paper.

Okay, what channel
was it on?

It was channel .

Ah!

Aha-ha!

Look!
"Citizen kane."

It was "citizen kane."
It was "citizen kane."

It was "citizen kane"!

Okay, big deal.

Look, would you just
take the knife out, huh?

Admit you're wrong,
and I'll take the knife out.
Grow up.
Ju take the knife out.

When you admit
you're wrong, I'll grow up.

You're being very immature.
Please take the knife out.

You never admit
you're wrong!

You're making a fool of yourself
in front of everyone.

Would you just please
take the knife out?

Take the damn knife out.

Oh!

Aw, jeez.

Listen, um...

Look, would you mind just
calling me a, um...

Oh, what are they called?
A, uh...

An ambulance?
No.

No.
I want a, um...

Two guys in a van to come
and bring you to a hospital?

Then you want
an ambulance.
Yesno, I don't.
I want a, uh...

It's an ambulance.
No, it isn't!

You want an ambulance.
No, it's a -- shh!

It's an ambulance.
Shh-shh-shh-shh!
Shh-shh-shh!

You want an ambulance.
No, no, it's called a...

It's an ambulance.

No, you know what you want?!
You want a mortician!

You want a mortician!
You want a mortician!

You want a mortician!

This is on me.

Check, please.

[ Horns honk in distance ]

The sounds of squealing tires

Pierce the downtown core
at : a.m.

As a blue vega peeled out of the
parking lot of the -eleven.

Our hero stumbled out of
the doors of that fine franchise

To discover that his buddies
were driving away.

Yeah, they were driving
away...and giggling.

There'd be no ride home tonight,
not on this good eve.

"Bastards," he mumbled.

And he stepped out of the doors
of the -eleven

And jettisoning the butt end
of his pierogi up over the roof,

He waited...
For the satisfying squish.

And then he walked to
the sidewalk, lit a cigarette,

And burped a sickly sweet burp
of -eleven cola.

"Thank god I'm not a diabetic!"
He screamed.

And then he headed north
into the alleyway.

Halfway in, he passed
a dumpster, from behind which

He heard the sounds of two
people locked in struggle.

But whether they were fighting
or fornicating,

He knew not, nor did he care!

He wandered further in,

Past piles of desiccated
garbage, dating from the s.

Past where winos slept

Like clumps from a broken bag
of dolls.

And still our hero
went further in.

He went further in,

Past pygmy warriors
who watched in amazement

As the first white man
they ever saw came loping by.

He went right to the end
of that alleyway.

He went right to the end.

And our hero sat down
on a concrete parking slab.

He sat down among the muck
and the filth.

He sat down among the smells
and the garbage...

And he took out
his contact lenses.

He had no comforting saline
solution to cushion the blow.

He owned no contact
lens-carrying case.

He didn't even have any fingers.

He gouged the lenses
out of his eyes with his thumbs.

And grabbing a handy
rusty tin can, he spit in it

Until it was full of mother
nature's own preservative.

And he dropped the lenses in.

And then with a crack
that split the night,

He put on his glasses
and headed north

To track down the elusive
all-night bus.

Good-looking roast,
huh, kids?

Okay.

All right, lisa, why don't you
pass this down to your mother?

Thank you.

Mmm!
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

Big man's
got a knife!

Nice knife.
Hey, you gonna
use it, huh?

Gonna cut us
with your knife, man?
Ooh! Yeah!

Just ignore them.

They're as frightened
as we are.

Is this your kid?

This your kid?
Nice food!
Nice vegetables!

All right!

[ Insects chirp ]

[ Slurping ]

Oh, yeah!

[ Belches ]

Whoa!

[ Belches ]

Gordon...wha--
what are you doing up, hon?

It's after :
in the morning.

It's that salty,
bloody ham!

The ham we had at dinner?

Yes.
Was there another ham?

You didn't like it.

No, I didn't
like the ham, dear.

It was a little bit salty,
thanks.

Well, you certainly
wolfed enough of it down.

I didn't "wolf" it down.

A man works all day,
he expects a normal ham meal,

Not g*dd*mn bastard brine!

Well, I don't know
what could've gone wrong.

Well, something did!

I didn't do
anything different.

I went down to dietrich's,

And I picked myself up
a choice -pound virginia ham.

Did you drop it in salt
on the way home perhaps?

No, I basted it
with a mustard glaze.

Then I put maraschino cherry
and pineapple spears in it

And popped it in a -degree
oven for hours.

Was it a bargain ham?

Help me out here, honey.

Did you stuff the ham
with salt?

No!
Gordon, no!

You can't stuff a ham,
silly.

There's no hole to stuff.

You stuff a turkey,
not a ham.

Well, I suppose
you could stuff a whole pig.

A whole pig, sure.

But I wouldn't want
to have to cook a whole pig.

I wouldn't know how!

Barbara would know.
I'll call her.

Put down that phone!

Nobody's asking you
to cook a whole g*dd*mn pig!

A man my age
shouldn't be up all night

Looking for gatorade streams
in the backyard!

Let's be fair
to the ham, dear.

Ham is a salty food.

It's not like porridge
or toast or a pear.

I know that ham isn't porridge
or toast or a pear.

Jesus christ,
what do I expect from you?

You come from a long line
of horrible cooks.

Your old lady's
a horrible cook.

Oh, admit it.

Everything with her is so bland,
I could puke.

She would boil a pop tart,
whereas you --

You would salt fish
from the dead sea.

Oh, go on!

You know what's
gonna happen to me?

I'm gonna get a big,
puss-y boil right on my neck.

Is that what you want
in bed with you --

A big pus boil sh**ting salt
all over your good bed linens?

Christ!
I work hard all day.

I expect a normal ham meal,
not -- not voodoo pork!

You know what this
reminds me of, don't you?

I hate to guess.

The mushroom pork incident.

Oh! When will you ever
let me live that one down?

Who but you would screw up

Something as simple
as a pork chop?

Smother it in mushroom sauce,
every --

It was gravy!
It was horrid!

And, besides, it was
a long time ago.

That was when we lived
in the blue house, remember?

Well, I can taste it
like it was yesterday.

That...now this.

I see a pattern developing.

I'm banishing pork.

What?

I've made a decision
to banish pork.

It's not coming in
through that door.

It's not coming in
through that window.

Your rock-star son
isn't bringing it home

In his big, f*g hair.
You watch your --

As of today,
we are a pork-free household.

I have spoken.

Well, I guess there's
no point in me making
you ham sandwiches

For your lunch tomorrow.

No, honey.
No point whatsoever.

Fine. You'll just have to eat
in the cafeteria then.

See how you like that.
It's ham tuesday.
Great!

Well, you seem to know so much
about cooking, gordon,

Why don't you do
all the cooking around here?

Why don't you shut up
around here?
No, no, no, no.

We'll knock a hole
in the ceiling,

Drag the barbecue in,
tattoo an apron to your chest.

You can cook
to your heart's content.
Shut up!

[ Voice breaking ]
it just gets my goat.

You wake me up
in the middle of a lovely dream

About berry gordy
taking me to the grammys...
Shut up!

...to harangue me
about some stupid ham.

I think it was
a little salty.

I don't think it's fair,
gordon.

I do everything in my power
to be a good wife to you.

I fold sheets
and pillowcases.

I shoo the kids out of
that precious garden of yours.
Oh, shut up!

I do everything in my power

Short of greeting you
at the door in saran wrap.

Oh, shut up
about that stuff!

And for what?
For nothing!

For once in our marriage,

I would just like
to have the last...

Shut up!

...word!

I am tired.

I am salty.

I require silence.

[ Sighs ]

[ Clock ticks ]

Ah...you old soldier.

Ah, listen, mother...

Is there any more
of that nice dessert left?

Jello - - ?

What's that?

The jello - - ?

Yeah, I think I'm gonna get
myself a little bit of that.

There's a little left
in the fridge.

But be on your guard.
It's beside the ham.

Might have been
some salt transference.

[ Belches ]

Hello, barbara?
It's fran calling.

Sorry to wake you so late, dear,
but I was just wondering

If you'd know how to cook
a whole pig.

You tried what?

Swedish meatballs tartare?

How'd it go over with
the family, dear?

I see.

Well, if you need
a place to stay...

[ Organ plays ]

[ Sobbing ]

[ Laughing ]

Hey, man,
looks like you died.

Only a loser dies
of natural causes.

Think you're cool 'cause
you're dead? Huh, dead boy?

We've been dogging you
for years.

That's right.

Hey, man, why did you go
and die for, anyway?

We had fuller lives
around you.

I don't recall
instructing you to die, huh?

Why don't you
get up, huh?