01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

I've lost my drum!

I've lost my indian drum!

I've lost my drum!

I've lost my indian drum!

I have a drum!

The drum is mine!

I have a drum!

She's doing fine!

But I've lost my drum!

My indian drum is gone!

Soon it will be autumn!

My god, what have I done?

I have a drum!
The drum is mine!

I will
treat her poorly.

There is no need
to whine!

Drum lost!

Drum found!

Drum lost!

Drum found!

No drum, no party!

I have a drum!

Where's my indian drum?!

Look skyward,
moron!

My eyes,
they see no drum!

Drum lost!

Drum lost!

Your drum is here!

I've lost my indian drum.

Gerald?

Gerald!

How are you,
you old skunk?

Ah, how are you,
you old snake?

Pretty good.

Good to see you. Hey,
how was your weekend?

Aw, not too bad.

A little too short, though.
How was yours?

Good,
but a little short.

[ Laughs ] [ laughs ]

Business. Business.

Yeah.

So...
So...

Well, I'd now be willing
to take a look

At the proposal your client
is making to my lori.

On behalf of dennis, I'm,
uh, happy to show it to you.

It's perfectly
straightforward.

A little too damn
straightforward, gerald.

Uh, what do you mean?

I'm sorry.
I can in no way say

That this represents
the interests of my client.

It's a standard itinerary,
gerald -- dinner, dancing, and

[ Mumbling ] intercourse.

I beg your pardon?

Dinner, dancing,
and intercourse.

You mean a quick hump,
don't you, gerald?!

I do not mean
a quick hump, gerald!

Do not use that expression
in this office!

Children come in here!

"Dinner, dancing,
and intercourse."

What do you think
my client is, huh?

A -dollar-an-evening
hooker?

This is dinner
at the plaza, gerald.

Oh, really?! So she's a
-dollar-an-evening hooker.

Is that it?

Well, at least
a hooker comes across.

I can't believe
I said that.

Gerald, do I sense
that, uh,

Your client has certain
feelings for my client?

My client makes
$ , a year.

But does your client

Have certain emotional
interests toward my client?

He's got a really
great car and a moustache.

Gerald, does your client
love my client?

Yes! No!

He's not sure.

Back off, gerald!

I'll back off, but perhaps now
you'd be willing to take a look

At the proposal my client
is making to your client.

[ Exhales sharply ]

You forgot
one thing, gerald.

What's that?

The date of the wedding

And the color of the
bridesmaids' gowns!

Come off it, gerald.

It's a standard
-week dating commitment.

All my client wants to do

Is to get to know
your client.

Hey, all my client
wants to do

Is get to know
your client.

In a completely
different way!

I don't know.

I think she's gotten to know
quite a few clients.

Let's just look at her
roster of ex-boyfriends.

Gerald, that's inadmissible,
and you know it!

The doobie brothers?

All right, perhaps we were
a little bit hasty

With the -week
dating proposal.

Perhaps we can accommodate
the obvious interests of
your client a bit more.

How about this --

A -date schedule with possible
sexual intercourse on date .

I'm no longer interested

In this "possible
sexual intercourse"

You keep selling me on.

Last time, it turned out
to be a cheap hand job
at the drive-in.

Your client
ejaculated, gerald!

Sadly...

Very sadly.

Let's just let sleeping
dogs lie, shall we?

Three-date schedule,

Guaranteed sexual intercourse
on dates two and three.

Unh-unh.

Five-date schedule,

Guaranteed sexual
intercourse on date five.

That's a one-way
ticket to loveland.

That's a heap of good lovin'.
That's a love-o-rama.

That's a love woodstock,
for god's sake. Come back to me.

Gerald...gerry...

Ger...

"Guh."

Why don't we forget

The guaranteed sexual
intercourse clause?

Why don't we let
nature take its course?
Fine!

You know, the good,
old-fashioned way?
Yeah, okay.

A one-date schedule with a
guarantee that your client

Will consume ounces
of gin on that evening.

Come off it, gerald!

That's panty peeler,
and you know it.

Call it what you will.
It's a tool of the trade.

I'm sorry, gerald.

Come on, she only weighs
pounds, for god's sake.

I believe she weighs
pounds, gerald.

In shoes!

All right.

I'm sorry.

I can't see letting her drink
more than eight ounces of gin.

Jeez, I think she can drink,
uh, ounces of gin.

Maybe , maybe .

I think she could
scarf down ounces of gin.

Ounces of gin.

Ounces of gin
on an empty stomach.

On an empty stomach.

[ Whispering ]
...

Done!

Okay.

I'll have my secretary
pick up the contracts monday.

Whoa!
What a night!

What a crowd!

Hey, you vacuous trendies,
hard day at the movie premiere?

Don't worry about me.

I mean, I'm only
crushing your heads!

Crush, crush.

Crush.

Hey, miss,
aren't you beautiful?

Feed the homeless, you bimbo!

I crush you!

Crush.

You, too, leatherboy.

Crush you, crush, crush.

Crush.

Pop!

Oh, an outlander.

Forget it, buddy!
You'll never get in.

You may keep your rounded head.

I spare you.

Not you, you bubbleheads.
Crush, crush, crush, crush.

Ooh, what a romeo.

What a cigarette-smoking romeo.

What's this?

The vomiting goddess
is your date?

You uncaring creep.
I crush you.

I crush you,
crush you, crush you.

Hey, little darling.

Let me help you get empty.

A little bit more...

A little bit more.

Come on now.
A little bit more.

Let me wipe the sweat
from your brow.

Is that nice?

Oops!
Crushed you. Sorry.

Well, at least there's
no room for a hangover

In a mangled head.

Fact!

And still they go,
like sheep to the moon!

Whoa!

Won't those flat heads
be a sensation, eh?

They'll say, "nancy, who's
your head crusher?"

Me -- by appointment only.

Disco down, flat heads.

Crush, crush, crush, crush.

Pop!

Father, for what
we are about to receive,

Please make us thankful.
Amen.

Amen.

Well, let's
tuck in, huh?

Looks wonderful, mother.

Thank you.

Good-looking stew.

Well, you know, we had a little
bit of good news today.

Oh? Yeah?

It involved
your grandpa.

Oh, good.

Seems that grandpa had himself
a little pooh today.

No?
Yeah.

Boy: that's great, grandpa.

That's wonderful.

Yeah, I pooped.

How long has it been,
grandfather?

Wow.
Four years.

Wow!

That's just
like the olympics.

I remember the last one.
It was on my prom night.

Oh, I remember that night.
You looked so beautiful.

[ Mumbles ]

Oh, so did your pooh,
grandfather.

I think this
is the start

Of a lot of good things
for us mcneils.

Our bowels
are moving again.

Here's to it.

You know, you may
be more right than you know,

Because today on his history
test, derek pulled in a "c."

No?
Yeah.

You didn't?
You didn't?

You little scamp.

And the teacher says

It's not just
an ordinary "c," either.

It's a special "c."
It's a "c" with promise.

Wow.
Well done.

She says it's still
too soon to say,

But I might
not be stupid.

Poop.

Oh, isn't
that a beauty?

Looks just like a little
indian arrowhead, grandpa.

It's a winner!

Do you want me to take
that for you, granddad,

And put it somewhere --

Come on, gramps, just let her
put it in the box for you.

I'll put it somewhere
safe, grandpa.

Uh-oh.

Grandpa
dropped his pooh.

Here
comes the dog.

Oh, no.

[ Dog barks ]

No, no, no.

Well, it looks like the dog
got your pooh, grandpa.

I'm sorry.

That was my last pooh.

No, it wasn't!

No, it was.

You'll live
to pooh again, granddad.

Yeah, you've got the bowels
of a man half your age.

You know what I think would
be a good idea, grandfather?

If you ate a little bit
extra tonight.

Yeah, I think
that would be good.

Yes, come on.

Is this the man

That waded ashore
on omaha beach,

June , ,
I'm looking at?

Hey, let's get
back to work, soldier!

[ Gulps ]

Oh, that's
nice to see.

Oh, it's working.
Is it?

Hey, traveler.

Tired of florida?

Tired of hawaii?

Looking for something

A little different
for your summer vacation?

Something a little
off the beaten track, perhaps?

This year,
why don't you come to me?

Come on.

Come to scott.

Come on.

Come on.

Come and frolic on the wondrous
hills of my calves.

The kids can
climb them in the summer.

And in the winter, I think
you'll find skiing is in order.

You'll enjoy whooshing all the
way down to my peninsula toes,

Where the kids can enjoy a
spirited game of hide-and-seek.

Some of you
more adventurous types

Might find the climb
to the top of my knee

More to your liking.

Be sure to bring oxygen,

As the thin mountain air
can be disorienting.

For those of you interested
in refreshing the mind

As well as the spirit,

Why not spend some time
in the attractions

That I'm famous for --

The hall of nipples...

The house of wax...

And the world-famous
caverns of my nose.

Journey into
the inner reaches of my skull.

Who knows
what ancient civilizations

Once dwelled there.

And if it's
nightlife you're after,

Then there's plenty
of action to be found

On the discotheque
that is my belly.

Afterwards, cool off
in the pool of sweat

That gathers
in the small of my back.

But what would a trip to me be

Without visiting
my most famous landmark...

One of the seven
wonders of scott?

My lips.
What do you do there?

The ball's in your
court...tourist.

For hundreds of years,
modern science has endeavored

To peel back
the layers of ignorance,

To shed light on the true nature
of the universe,

To replace yesterday's myth
with today's proven fact.

And it is to advance that cause
that we must ask ourselves...

Here.

It was here that I first
saw the alien craft.

I was struck
by a blue beam of light,

And I felt myself
being lifted up off the ground.

The next thing I knew,
I was aboard the vessel.

For the entire duration
of my stay with the aliens,

They never
once turned off the tv.

There was almost
no conversation.

And when they did talk,

It was about
what they were watching,

Usually "my three sons."

Being a dentistry student, I of
course have a scientific mind.

I would inquire
about different things,

Such as medical techniques,

Means of propulsion,
social organizations.

But nothing.

They'd just go, "shh.
Ernie's having girl trouble."

It is believed that the aliens
first visited the earth

At the very beginning
of human history

And mated with
our ancient ancestors.

How else can we explain...

How else can we explain
people who say things like,

"I don't need to take dr*gs
to have a good time"?

How else can we explain
new-age music?

Could humans
really have invented golf

Without alien intervention?

Well, I was abducted
during an open house

On the outskirts of town.

I asked the aliens
if they wanted to study me

Or they wanted to ask me
any questions at all.

So they asked me if I thought
they looked good with a pipe.

You see, they all smoke pipes.

I thought it suited them,
so I said, "it suits you."

They sort of smiled, turned
around, and...kept watching tv.

We recovered this -- these --

Near the sight
of an alien landing.

And according to eyewitnesses...

This is the outer garment
of an alien's flight suit.

According to the lab,
it is % wool, % alpaca.

And in the opinion of the lab,
it is a quality garment.

Another thing is, the aliens
all seemed to be balding.

Just think about it --

A whole race of people
brushing their hair forwards

To hide the fact that they're
balding...even the children.

The aliens?

Absolutely splendid people.

Top drawer, % all the way.

Couldn't have enjoyed
the abduction more.

[ Chimes ]

But why then have
these reluctant astronauts

Come to this planet?

What is their mission?
What do they hope to gain?

I believe the aliens are here
to collect decorative spoons.

My own store
has been visited three times

By three separate groups
of aliens, and each time,

Although they initially
expressed a lot of interest

In the beer mug
shaped like a tit,

Their only purchase was the
stevenville commemorative spoon.

In fact,
the last group complained,

Quite tellingly, I think.

They said, "why don't you have
a spoon that just says 'earth'?

It would save time."

Such gift-shop visitations
now number in the thousands.

Who knows?

Perhaps one day, when the last
spoon has been collected,

The aliens will leave this
planet as mysteriously

And uninterestingly
as they came.

But until that time, I kn--

But until that time,

I shall continue to look
to the night sky

Until I become drowsy
and fall asleep.

[ "Linus and lucy" playing ]

Shut up!

Shut up!

[ Pounding continues ]
shut up, damn it!

I said shut up in there
or go out in the street!

Sorry, guys.

The party's over.

That wouldn't happen
if elvis were my landlord.

I have reason to believe
that if elvis were my landlord,

My life would be a lot better
than it is right now.

People would come over and say,

"Hey, great place you got here,
bruce. Got any vacancies?"

I'd say, "ask the king.

"He's over there hosing
the gunk off of something.

He's always working."

If elvis were my landlord, we'd
say stuff in the halls like,

" Tenants can't be wrong."

Gee, I could
go to his house any time

And borrow a cup of sideburns,
if elvis were the man.

[ Opening chords
of "jailhouse rock" plays ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Imitating elvis ]
hi. How ya doing?

Well, I just wanted to tell
you to tie up your garbage bags

Before you put them
down the chute.

It makes my job
that much easier!

Thank you very much.

[ Music resumes ]

If elvis were my landlord,
it would be a thrill.

Life would roust about
and not stand still.

We'd eat bargain cheesies,
no prescription pills,

If that sharecropper's son
handed me my phone bill,

If elvis swept my halls.

What do you mean,
you paid your rent

To an elvis landlord
impersonator?

[ Laughter ]

Remember what I told you.

Only fools rush in.
Thank you very much!

[ Music continues ]

If elvis were my landlord,
he could come over any time.

I'd say, "sit down, king.

"Take a load off your scarf.

"Have some decaf tea.

We'll plan
your comeback quietly."

'Cause if elvis
held my extra key,

He could come right up to .

I'd say, "hi, my friends
and I were just" --

Hi.

Elvis!

I just came up
to fix your tub.

A tub is like a voice.

You don't work on the pipes,
the pipes get rusty!

Thank you very much.

[ Coughs ]

Elvis, do you want
to watch tv later?

"Chips" is on.
I know it's your favorite.

Actually, I don't
feel too good.

Ooh!

[ Water splashes ]

Elvis?

Man: elvis has
left the building!

Elvis?

Man: elvis has
left the building!

I have your rent check, elvis!

I won't give it
to the dave clark five.

Elvis? Elvis?!

Man: elvis has
left the building!

Elvis!!

Hey, you coming
to my party tomorrow night?

You have my address,
don't you?

It'll be a great party.

Get there early.
Get there at : .

That's when the action
starts at my parties.

See you there.

Hey, let him in.

I said let him in.
I'm talking to you, bouncer boy.

Let the poor, little,
pathetic spider in.

Who died and made
you god, eh,

Mr. Bones and muscle?

I'm warning you.

Don't make me...

Yaahh!

Yaah-ow!

God, my finger!

What a head!
What a thick head!

I can see why
they gave you this job.

Still...

[ Growls ]

Aaahhhh!

Ooh. Brain juice everywhere.

I crush you,

I crush you, I crush you.

Crush, crush, crush, crush.

[ Moaning ]

What?

Who's singing
that horrible song?

Who's singing?
Oh.

Stop singing.
Stop it!

Hey...are you okay?

Hey!

Hey!!

Hey, flat head!

Do you need help?

Do you need me?

Okay, wait.

Uh...how did
the vomiting go?

Did you
marry that guy?

Huh?

Ew.

Look at you.
You're a mess.

You're a great,
big mess of a trendy.

Come on.

Steady.

Come on.

I'll take you to bus stop.
What bus do you take?

Come on, come on,
come on. Get a move on.

That's it.
Step lively.

Come on,
move it out.

Boy, you're out of shape,
my friend.

You should join the cadets,
maybe even the army.

Come on,
let's try it.

Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup.
Hup, hup, hup, hup.

That's it.

Don't go back.
It's bad luck.