01x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

Watch out, dave.
Look out, kev.

Look out, dave.
Watch it, kev.

Here it comes, dave.
Watch it, kev!

Watch it, dave!
Watch it, kev!

Look out, dave!

Coming back at ya, dave!
Look out.

Come on, man.

I told you to look out for it.
Weren't you listening?

Number one is off.
Number two is off.

Number three is off.
Number four is off.

All the elements are off,

Because number one is off,
number two is off,

Number three is --
let's go, go, go.

Let's go
chase some scenery.

What's the situation
in here?

Well, I'm almost
ready, but...

Oh, fran, we're gonna
get behind schedule.

Schedule? How could I follow
this schedule

If I don't know
what it is?

Listen, I didn't have time
in the schedule

To explain
the schedule to you.

Listen, did you pack
enough q-tips?

You know how my ears
always get crusty

When when we go
to the country.

Is a thousand enough?

Ah ha ha.
Number one is off --

Come on, let's go.

I can feel
the traffic building.

That's my commuter instinct
talking.

I-i-i-i can't go.

What do you mean,
you can't go?

Brian didn't
come home last night.

How do you know?
His bed hasn't been
slept in.

Maybe he made it
before he went out this morning.

Listen to what
you're saying.

You're right.
He didn't come home last night.

Besides, I spent the night
in front of his door.

If he had come in,
he would've hit me on the head.

Oh, fran, please!
My beard is coming in!

Listen, if you don't
get in bluie right now

And pull out a map
and direct me to a cottage

So I can get my full
week's relaxation,

I'm gonna make the next
year of your life misery!

I can't move!
What do you mean?

My hips
just locked!
They did not!

I can't move!
You can -- fran!

I'm frozen
to this spot!

Hi, mom. Hi, dad.
Have a nice vacation.

Just leave the keys
on top of the tv.

I'll be
in my room. Bye.

Brian! Brian!

Get back here,
young man!
In! In! In!

What? What?

Oh, my god!
Would you look at his eyes!

Red as a rooster!
You're high.

You were at a crack house,
weren't you?

Yeah, I was at
a crack house.

Fran, really, a crack house
in woodland heights?

Where?
Up by the safeway?

Gordon, get with it.
They're everywhere.

Yeah, actually,
mom, you're right.

I'm actually
running a crack house.

Me and my friends
started a crack house

To raise money for college.

You always wanted me to get
a higher education, right?

You watch your mouth,
or I'll watch it for you.

Stop it,
the both of you.

Where were you?

I was at tucker's place.

The party ran late,

And I did not want
to wake my parents,

So I decided
to sleep on a couch.

It's about time you started
acting more like an adult.

Contributing to the home,
being more responsible.

Oh, my god! [ Sniffs ]
you smell like a brewery!

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
You're grounded!

You bought me the beer!

What, gordon?!

He's only ,
and you bought him beer?!

What?!
You're only ?!

You're cut off,
mister!
Oh, jeez.

Why don't you
just cut out my heart

And put it
in a bird feeder?

Oh, fran, really,

All it was was a few...
Dozen beers.

I mean, a boy should
know how to drink.

Did you get him
a hooker, too?

A boy should know
how to you know.

You two
are in cahoots.

We are not in cahoots.
Don't start that.

You're both
exactly the same.

I am nothing
like him!

I am not
like this one!

I am not like
him at all!

I think he
was the milkman's!

Yes, you are.

Would you shut up?

Don't ever tell your mother
to shut up

When you're
under my roof!

Unless you think
you're big enough

To take on
your old man, eh?

Gordon, jeez!
Shut up!

Let's go!

I'm gonna
go to my room.

Have a nice vacation.

Brian!
Wha-a-t?

You hungry, honey?

Oh, yeah,
a little bit.

Well, I could fix you
something to eat.

There are some eggos
in the freezer,

But I won't fry anything.

I'm too angry to fry!

That's okay,
'cause I had, like,

A pizza
a couple hours ago.

You need some money?

Yeah!

There's $ in the crisper.
Let me give you a quick haircut.

Oh, mom!
It's so shaggy.

Fran!

Have you turned the boy
into a f*g yet?!

Gordon, cool it!

Jeez! Ooh!

Brian!
What?

We're off, honey.

Now, no parties
or drinking.

I can't hear you.
I'm in the shower.

But if you do get drunk,
do it in the basement

So you don't
fall down the stairs.

Okay.
Okay,
be good, dear.

Ooh, guess now
we're behind schedule.

No, we're not.

I penciled in
a family blowout.

Come on,
you'll get a cheeseburger

In about six hours.

Is that
in the schedule?
If you're good.

Wanna know who I'm for?
Wanna know who I'm for?

I'll tell you who I'm for.
Do you want to know?

I'll tell you.
I'm for one of you guys.

Do you want to know
who I'm rooting for?

I'll tell you.

I'm rooting for one of you guys.
Do you want to know who it is?

Do you want to know
who I'm rooting for?

I'm really gunning
for one of you guys.

Come on, do you want --

I'm rooting for you,
'cause you pissed me off.

Good shot.

Good shot.

Good shot.

Nice shot.

Nice shot.
Good shot.

I know that guy.

I know that guy.
I know that guy.

I know that guy.
I know him.

I know that guy.
I know that guy.

Where do
I know him from?

I know where
I know him from.

Hi.
Do you remember me?

Uh, no.

St. Elmo's high --
fight, fight, fight!

I didn't go
to st. Elmo's.
You didn't go
to st. Elmo's?

No.

Sorry.

That's okay.

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Wait a second.
I know where I know you from.

It's from
the chain g*ng!

That's right --

Ah, the, um...

The, uh, chain g*ng.

Yeah,
the chain g*ng!
I, um...

You gotta remember it.
I got a picture right here.

There's a -foot
piece of chain and then me,

And a -foot piece of chain,
and there's you,

And a -foot piece of chain
and skinny pete back here.

Yeah, see?

Well, um,
it's a bit hazy for me.

What?

Pete and I both got big bodily
scars to remember it by.

Don't we, pete?

Go on, show him.

Look at that.
Huh?

Well, well.

Well, those
were hard days, huh?

It's all behind us now,
isn't it?

So what are
you doing these days?

Hmm?

Are you knocking over
this place?

Look out, folks,
he's a k*ller!

Actually, I'm not.

In fact,
I'm a food critic now.

You're a food critic.
Hey, he's a food critic!

A food critic?
Yeah, he's
a food critic!

I remember how nasty
you used to be

About
the food in the can.

They would be excessive
with the salt, wouldn't they?

Yeah,
and the saltpeter, too.

Do you remember
the sunday-morning pancakes?

Yeah.
Well, back to work.

Huh? Oh...

You're working now.

You're criticizing
this food here.

Oh, okay.

Maybe after you're
done working,

Me, you, and skinny pete
can go out and grab a beer.

I'm meeting someone.

Who?
A friend.

Someone
from the chain g*ng?

Well, actually, I've sort of
lost touch with the g*ng.

What?

Hey, man, you shouldn't
lose touch with your chain g*ng.

There you go.

Hey, do you
remember tim morris?

The guy that worked
up at the front.

I didn't get
to the front very often.

You should have kept in touch.

He's a successful
publisher now.

Oh, really?
What was that name again?

Tim morris.
Tim morris.

Do you know
where he's publishing?

Yeah, he works
at medallion publishing.

Tim morris at --

You caved in his head
with a big rock once

'Cause
he squealed on you.

Remember that?

Yes, I remember now.

Well,
back to the grindstone.

Limestone.
P-pardon?

Limestone!
We were busting limestone!

Yes, yes.

Yes, of course. It's been great
running into you.

Go away now.

Okay.

I can't believe you don't
have big bodily scars.

Well, just lucky,
I guess.

You bet.
Limestone!

Hiya, bob.

Hello, skinny pete.

Hey, he always
had a crush on you.

Shut up! I can't believe
you told him that!

The whole bunkhouse knew.

Does the whole restaurant
have to know?

Oh, yeah.

Hey! Gimme those.

♪ He won't
come back ♪

♪ They shot him
de-e-ad ♪
♪ he won't
come back ♪

♪ They crushed
his head ♪
♪ he won't
come back ♪

♪ They crushed
his so-o-ul ♪

♪ Poor,
little roadrunner! ♪

Both: ♪ poor,
little roadrunner! ♪

♪ He don't
live here no mo' ♪

Yeah-ha! Yeah-ha!

Whoo!

Gentlemen...in reviewing
your financial situation,

We've determined
that you have no collateral,

No previous experience
running a business,

Not even a credit rating.

Gentlemen,
you haven't even been able

To produce any identification.

I feel it would be inadvisable
of the bank

To approve a loan
at this juncture.

I'm sorry.

You don't like us.

That's what this is all
about really, isn't it?

I told you.
It's all a popularity contest.

Gentlemen,
it's nothing personal.

Nothing personal?

You don't like us.
That's nothing personal?

You'll be sorry
when we're dead.

Bet you will.
Bet you will.

Bet you.
Bet you.

Bet you will.

Bet you will.

[ Imitates telephone ringing ]

Telephone.

Hello?
Elinor dickinson.

She'll be sorry.
She'll be sorry.

I bet she'll be sorry.
I bet you're right.

This is her house here.
Are you sure?

Hey!
Get off my back.

Sorry.

Are you dead?

No. Are you?

No.

Are you sure
this is her house?

What time
does the bank close?

I don't
know everything.

Hey!
Get off my back again.

Okay.

I think ernest hemingway

Was speaking
for all gay men everywhere

When he said that a man
is nothing without a harpoon

And a bar
that he can call home.

Now I've never been satisfied
with just one harpoon,

So I certainly don't see

Why I should be satisfied
with just one bar.

But lately there have been
some ominous developments

In the gay-bar community

Which I would like
to share with you.

Just last week
I was at bloomy's

Having a smart cocktail
at the bar,

Talking to my friend tom --

You know tom,
tom the bartender --

When all of a sudden
a tyrannosaurus rex walked in.

I couldn't believe it.
What a bore.

Drank like a fish, totally
took over the dance floor,

k*lled or fags
with that stupid tail of his.

I was incensed.

I mean, really, isn't there
some sort of a dress code

Or door policy?

Course, I could see
how he got in,

What with those
faggy little hands of his,

Mincing around
the dance floor.

Like some queen
of the pleistocene.

Oh, they're
just like leather men.

Oh, sure,
they'll drive you home

On the back of their
motorcycles -- vroom, vroom.

But once you're in the door,

It's off with the jacket
and up with the heels.

It's happening everywhere.

Just last week I was at café boy
on the rooftop patio.

Some of us were enjoying
a lovely brunch,

When all of a sudden
a pterodactyl swooped in

And ruined all our fun.

Upended the table,
made fun of sky's new play...

And bit off jewel's head.

Oh, nobody helped us.

Oh, no, they were all
too caught up in themselves.

So I marched straight downstairs
to talk to tom,

You know my friend tom --
tom the owner.

I said, "tom, are you aware
of the situation

Developing upstairs
in the patio?"

He said, "if you mean

"The pterodactyl
ruining everybody's fun,

"Yes, but there's nothing
I can do.

He has a sweet tooth."

Well, there's
something I can do.

I'm not going back.

And it's even
happening at daddy's.

I was there last week
when the gorgosaurus arrived

With her lip-synching troupe
of monitor lizards

And bit off jewel's hand.

He'll never play piano
like he used to.

And if I hadn't been
passed out in the forest,

Swimming in my own vomit,
I'd have said something!

Get extinct.

[ Growls ]

Last point, guys.
Play it out.

Last point.
Last point in the game.

Let's go, guys.
Come on, last point.

Whoa!

Okay, do I play now?

Are we gonna
play round-robin?

Am I playing?
Can I play now?

I'm ready to play.
Can I play?

We're doing round-robin,
right?

My turn to go?

Can I --

Good shot.

Nice shot.

Watch out, dave.

[ Both sighing ]

Now, tony...
I don't want you to be upset

If my parents
can't handle the, uh...

The color thing.
Okay.

They're bourgeois.
It's the way they were raised.

They can't
help themselves.
Susan, relax.

I've met a lot of bigots.
They can't be that bad.

Well, you've never
met my parents.

I'm just warning you.

But if it does come to a choice,
I'd choose you.

You okay?
I'm fine.

Hi.

Finally! You're here!

Aw, doesn't it look like college
is treating our baby well?

Dad.

So...
This must be tony.

Pleased to meet you.

Likewise,
mr. Carswell.

We've heard
a lot about you, tony.

Oh? All good, I hope.

I'll let you in
on a little secret.
Oh?

Yes!

That's good.

Okay.

So the bus ride
was all right, dear?

Yes, the bus ride was fine.
We sat at the front!

Oh, so it wasn't
crowded, then?

No. Fine.

Speaking of sitting --
please sit down.

Oh, sure.
You're a lousy host.

Mr. Carswell, this is a lovely
place you have here.

Oh, well,
thank you very much.

As a matter of fact,
we've just done renovations.

But I'm sure barry
will tell you all about that.

He does go on.

Mr. Carswell,
I know exactly how you feel.

See, I tinker around
with vintage cars myself.

Oh, you tinker?
Yeah.

Dad!
It's not just tinkering.

Oh, of course not.

Do you like punch, tony?

Oh, I love it.

Well, let's go punch swimming,
huh, mom?

Mom: last one in!

Hey, you guys
need any help in there?

Oh, no.
You two lovebirds stay put.

Okay.

Well, I am so,
so sorry, tony.

They are being
so condescending.

I don't know
how you can stand it.

I think
they're really nice.

Oh, tony, come on,
it's me, susan.

You don't have to pretend.

Watch out, you two lovebirds.
We're coming in.

Okay.

Susan,
still smoking?

Yes, dad.

You've driven me to it,
thank you very much.

When will
this nightmare end?

You know, tony,

While mom and I
were in the kitchen,

We thought in order
to make you feel more
welcome in our home,

We'd invite you
to sit in my chair.

Oh, what an honor!

Susan's never even
sat there before. Never.

Okay.

Jeez, this is great.

Oh...ooh,
this is a lovely chair, sir.

Thanks for breaking it in
for me.

Gosh, tony.

I got to tell you,
you're a pleasant change

From the usual riffraff
susan usually drags home.

Dad! He's not armed!

Here's some punch, tony.

I hope you like
rice krispie squares.

God, I love them!
Do you really?

Then you and mrs. Carswell
are gonna get along fine.

She's a maniac.

Please,
just help yourself.

Oh, what, mother?

Are you gonna have
him serving us next?

Dad: what are you
studying at college, tony?

Well, I started out --

Dad, he is studying history.
He is not slow.

Susan? Relax.

Are you all right,
dear?

Maybe you'd better
go lie down, honey.

I am fine.
I am fine!

Maybe it wasn't a good idea
bringing tony to meet you two.

Oh, no.

On the contrary, tony
looks like a fine young man.

Susan? I don't think I'll ever
let your young man go.

I don't think
I'll ever want to leave.
You little rascal.

Mother!

That is it!
That is too much!

Tony
is not an animal.

He is a human being,
and I love him.

We're going to tear down
the walls of ignorance

That other small minds
like you have built!

Aren't we, tony?

Sure, angel.

You have a lovely voice.
You should have been an actress.

I have told her that --

Mother! Father!

You have forced me to choose,
and I choose tony.

Come, tony.
We're leaving!

But we haven't
had dinner yet!

Fine.
Then I guess I'm going alone.

You know
where you'll find me.

Where?
Harlem!

Harlem? Harlem?

[ Door slams ]

Are you from harlem, tony?

No, sir.
I'm from woodland heights.

Oh.
Ever been to harlem?

Well, once,
but in the daytime.

[ Insects chirping ]

I think
we made a mistake.

I'm cold.

What do you expect me
to do about it?

Touchy!

Both: nobody likes us.

Not even me.

Not even me, too.

Stop it.
You stop it.

Stop it.
You stop it.

Play fair.
Play fair.

You better
stop that.
I think you
should stop first.

I got to tell you,
you're not helping my neck any.

There goes
a kneecap or two.