01x10 - Episode 10

[bunniefuu]

Told me that I had no future
bas a bicycle courier.t at me,

No!
Yeah, yeah.

And then she took
the vegetarian chili

And whipped it
all over my kitchen.

It went everywhere.
It went on the walls, the floor.

It got into my aquarium.
It k*lled one of my angelfish.

Your fish?

Yeah, I loved my fish.

Why didn't you tell me
that she was --

Okay, then...

What's with
all the hoopla?

What?

Hoopla?

Yep, I heard hoopla.

We were just talking. If we
were too loud, I apologize.

No, no, no,
I distinctly heard hoopla.

Hey, man,
no hoopla here.

Hey!

I'm not a man.
I'm a security guard.

And I can spot hoopla
from about a mile away.

Look, what's the big deal?

I was just talking
to my friends here.

We were just sitting around
having a hamburger and talking.

Hey!
I know what you were doing.

No hoopla.

You know
what hoopla-makers get?

No.

They get an ear toss.
That's right.

They get tossed
right on their ear!

Hey, man!

Don't even think
about it!

Okay, guys, I've been pushed
a little bit too far.

I'm taking your salt.

What?

I'm confiscating
your salt, guys,

And if there's
any more hoopla

From this general vicinity,

I'll be back
to take down your names

And, uh, weigh your heads.

[ Engine turns over ]

Get the salt?

Yeah...
But it wasn't easy.

[ Tires squeal ]

They see your face?

No, I don't think so.

[ Vaudevillian music plays ]

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen!

I'm mcgillicutty!

And I'm greene.

Well, mr. Greene,

It appears
that we have a conflict

Of financial interest
to settle up

To the extent that I owe you
american dollar bills.

But as luck would have it,
I only seem to have a !

Say, mr. Greene, would you
happen to have change for a ?

That is to say, do you have
two s for this $ bill?

Uh, yes, I do.

Fine, then!

I'll give you the ,
you'll give me the two s,

And we'll call it even!

[ Rim shot ]

Uh, no, actually,

We've just exchanged
equal amounts of money.

You still owe me $ .

But isn't that a $ bill
in your hand?

Yes.

And how much
did I owe you?

$ .

Well, it looks to me
like you owe me $ !

[ Rim shot ]

Please give me my money.

Just take it!

Mr. Greene,
guess who I ran into

On the way to the theater
this evening?

Who?

Rhonda, the former
professional hunchback!

Oh! Did she get her back
straightened?

No, she's just
out of work!

[ Rim shot ]

Aw, so her back
isn't better then?

No, she's just
out of work!

[ Rim shot ]

That's terrible.

Say, mr. Greene, I hear
you manage a baseball team.

No.

I'm a vaudevillian.

No, I think you manage
a baseball team!

Yes, of course.

Yes, I do manage
a baseball team.

I hear the players nowadays
have rather strange nicknames,

Rather silly pet names
the players have nowadays.

Yes, that's true.

Oh, as a matter of fact,

I have the team roster
with me right here.

[ Clears throat ]

For example,

Hu is on first base,
watt is on second,

And iduno is on third base.

Who's on first?

Yes.

Who?

Yes, hu is the man
on first base.

Why are you asking me?
I'm asking you!

What's the name of the guy
on first base?

No, no, watt is on --
oh, I see what your problem is!

Look, you're confused
by their names,

Because they all sound
like questions.

I don't know...

Third base.

Well,
I'll explain it to you.

See, on first base is hu,
samuel hu,

And you're probably
not used to that name

'Cause his grandfather
was chinese.

And on second base is
hector watt -- w-a-t-t, watt --

And that's not
such an odd name

'Cause james watt invented
the steam engine.

And on third base
is phil iduno --
i-d-u-n-o, iduno --

But if you say that fast,

It does sound like the phrase
"gee, I dunno."

But it's actually iduno,
phil iduno.

That's it!

You're hopeless.

You're pathetic.

You're the worst straight man
I've ever seen.

I quit!

I should have never saved you
from those seals.

What seals?
I auditioned for this job.

Bastard!

Get off the stage,
greene!

[ Pounding on door ]

Man:
wake up, theresa!

Man # : wake up!
Wake up!

Wake up!
It's real important!

Theresa!

Wake up!
Why doesn't she wake up?

Wake up!!

Theresa,
it's an emergency.

Wake up!

Wake up.

Sorry to wake you.

Did we wake you?

Yeah,
sorry to wake you,

But it's real important,
right?

Don't give us
the look, theresa!

Oh, god, the last thing we need
at : in the morning

Is the look!

Yeah,
we're your brothers.

You said we could come
see you anytime.

Right.

Well, you didn't exactly
say that with words.

No, but it's implied
by blood.

That's right.

We all got the same blood,
right?

Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, here.

We found a meat loaf.

Right.
Like a used meat loaf, right?

Well, not that
it's part eaten.

No,
but it's been around.

Well, we did find it
in the garbage.

Okay?
Okay.

Okay, theresa, we found
this old meat loaf, right?

And we're just wondering
if it'd be okay if we ate it.

Yeah.

See, the dilemma we faced
as we drove around --

Is it wrong
to eat garbage?

That's right, yeah.

And another thing is,
is it garbage,

Just because we found it
in the garbage, right?

Or is it not just food
that has fallen from grace?

Yeah, like,
is something art

Just 'cause you hang it
on the wall?

Hey! Don't get me started
on that.

We'll be here
all night!

You know I hate it.

I mean,
should we abandon this food,

Just 'cause it's fallen
through the cracks

Of so-called,
"normal society"?

Hey, yeah,
that's right.

Or is it not incumbent
upon us

To stop, lift it up,

Dust it off,
give it refuge,

And return it to the place
from whence it came?

And can we have ounces of
liquor to wash it down with?

Last call
caught us off guard.

Oh, not the look!
Oh, not the look!

Jeez!

Don't give us that look,
theresa.

You know, ounces
is not an arbitrary sum.

Oh, of course not, dirk.

It's the amount we have
calculated scientifically

We need to get drunk.

That is right.

I mean, if dividing it
is what's bugging you, theresa,

Don't let it bug you!

No, no, just give us
ounces of liquor

And watch us go to work.

Any kind of liquor
at all.

Yeah, although I'd prefer
over-proof rum.

And I would be with you
on that train.

Ooh...

Party!

Grenadine, you know,
is not a liquor.

No, but it's
in a liquor bottle.

I don't know,
but is something art

Just 'cause you hang it
on the wall?

Hey!

Jeez, not again.
We'll be here all night.

Well, we might be.

Okay, okay.

Theresa, can we eat
a garbage meat loaf,

Wash it down with liquor,

And fall asleep
on your pull-out couch?

That is the question
of the night.

Look, she's giving us
the look again!

Oh, no, not the look!

I'll die here!
Literally die!

Theresa,
can you live with yourself

Knowing you let us die
without giving us haircuts?

All right.

Otherwise we'll show up
for court tomorrow

With incriminating hair.

Yeah.

Hey, aren't we innocent
until proven guilty?

Right on, which will happen
at : tomorrow morning.

Hey, are we criminals just
because we committed a crime?

Oh, that's good.

Hey, isn't break-and-enter
a victimless crime?

No one was home.

Right.

Hey, you look real good
in that housecoat.

Kind of foxy.

All right.

So you gonna cut our hair
or what?

Come on, jeez.

Standing there.
Don't got all night.

[ Harmonica music plays ]

Sixty years ago, my grandfather
bought this parcel of land.

He was a strong man,
an honest man,

And with the help
of his young family,

He cleared this land.

He made his home here.

The land --

Well, it was rich and good.

And the crops --

Well, they grew tall and sturdy,
as did the mcintyre name.

That's a name
that's become synonymous

With truth and honesty
in these parts.

Over the years, we've all worked
this land and loved it,

And it's loved us back.

And then in the summer
of ' ...

...i grew a tail.

So, uh, how are things going
with you and leslie?

Oh, good.

Oh, that's good to hear.

Yeah, you know, I'm just taking
it one step at a time.

Oh, well,
that's the best way.

I'm the first to admit
that I've made some
mistakes in the past.

Oh, yeah.

You know,
rushed things.
Mm-hmm.

But this time,
it's different.

I've learned
the value of patience.

I've learned how to just take
things one step at a time.

Oh, well,
that's the only way.

Oh, yeah,
don't try to rush things,

Don't try to control things.

Just take it one grasping,
desperate step at a time.

I think that's
the right attitude.

Oh, yeah, you know, I mean,
I'm older now. I'm wiser.

I've finally learned
how to take things

One [voice breaking]
clinging, possessive, jealous

[Normal voice]
step at a time.

Good for you.

Oh, yeah,
people need their space.

I need my space.
I know that.

That's why
I just take things

One [voice breaking] stifling,
smothering, overwhelmingly needy

[Normal voice] step at a time.

Tell me about it.

Yep, just one
"don't go! Okay, go!

"I don't need you!
I don't need anybody!

Nobody loves me!
I'm a freak!!"

Step at a time.

Well, I think
that's the only way

'Cause you don't want to scare
the other person off, right?

Yeah, exactly, and, you know,
interestingly enough...

[ Crying ] leslie left me.

Aww.

Well, I'm sure
it's for the best.

I guess you're right.
Hey, can I buy you another beer?

Sure.
Then back on that horse!
Hey, I feel lucky!

[ Both laughing ]

[ Both crying ]

[ Both laughing ]

[ Both crying ]

[ Both sigh ]

Both: ♪ nobody likes us ♪

♪ Everybody hates us ♪

♪ Think we'll go eat worms ♪

All: ♪ big, fat, juicy ones,
eeny-weeny, squeamy ones ♪

♪ See how they wiggle
and squirm ♪

♪ Cut off their heads
and squeeze out their juice ♪

♪ And throw their tails away ♪

♪ Nobody knows how we survive
on worms three times a day ♪

One more time!

♪ Nobody likes us ♪

♪ Everybody hates us ♪

♪ Think we'll go eat worms ♪

♪ Big, fat, juicy ones,
eeny-weeny, squeamy ones ♪

♪ See how they wiggle
and squirm ♪

♪ Cut off their heads
and squeeze out their juice... ♪

[ Screams ]

[ Women scream ]

[ Glumly ] we told them
we were gonna eat worms.

[ Glumly ]
they seemed to like the idea.

Both:
nobody likes us.

[ Speaking japanese ]

No, she's just
out of work!

[ Rim shot ]

No, you give me back
my dollar!

That's right.
I got your two $ s right here!

Aahhhh!

Give me money.
Family eat.

Aahhh!

Just do the act,
you samurai bastard!

Give me money!

I should have never saved you
from those seals!

What seals?
I audition for this.

Aahhh!

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

[ Audience applauds ]

Hey. You see that moon?

No, that one there.

Oh. Oh.

You know, I think the moon
is a bit of a spy.

Yes, I do.

There was a moon like that
in the summer of my th year.

Some say I was then,
but [laughs] I don't know.

And there was a girl, too.
Her name was marie.

At night together
we would walk down by the sea,

And oh, my god,
if you could have seen
the body on this woman.

The way at night
her long legs would stick

Into the moist night sand
like god's own barge poles.

You know,
and I longed to tell her

Of the feeling
I had in my heart for her,

But the words --
they would not come.

They would not come through
my spotty adolescent face.

They would not come through
my angry hair or my sweaty feet

Or any other part on this body
that I now call a man's!

So the words je t'aime
were never passed between us,

But that moon --
yeah, that one there --

It spied on us then...

As I think maybe
it spies on us tonight, no?

[ Dog barks in distance ]

The moon is bright...

Over lebanon tonight!

The lebanese moon looks down.

Shim! Sham! Shikam!

Cattle explodes!

Cow shrapnel
drips off tree.

Cascades
into mother's tear...

For a little boy
who goes into battle

And comes back dead

Or worse --
comes back a man.

Why don't you
warn them, moon?

Why don't you
say "duck" or "scram"?

But the moon will not.

The moon just sits there,

Grinning like a corpse
at a dean martin roast.

What are you
laughing at, moon?

Why don't you share it
with the whole class, moon?

The moon laughs
knowingly.

The moon laughs!

The moon.

The.

Yes!

Gee...

I wonder
who owns that moon.

Yes!
Yes!

Yes.
Yes.

Yes! Yes!