01x15 - Episode 15

[bunniefuu]

Oh, make up think
your mind.e all hunks.

He's a beefcake.
Oh, I like him.

No, you can't.

All the girls want to know who's
the cutest boy on death row.

Is is steve?

Or is it lyle?

Or is it the new boy with
the unpredictable smile?

He looks stuck-up.

He is not!

I like him.
He's mysterious.

All: all the girls want to know.

Who's the cutest boy
on death row?

I like this one
'cause he has nice lips.

[ Chuckles ]

How will I sign
my new name?

"Mrs. Lyle" --
I like the sound of it.

I'll never fall in love
and be widowed. I know it.

[ Blues music plays ]

♪ Old man john gonna
tell you a story ♪

♪ Gonna tell you
a story right now ♪

♪ Old man john
gonna tell you a story ♪

♪ 'Bout a time
they put down a cow ♪

[ Southern accent ] I seem
to remember a time way back

When I was just a little kid,

And that wasn't too long ago,
you understand.

Then one day, I was coming
back from the schoolhouse.

Me and my brother, we were
walking along the road there.

And we see this cow standing
in the middle of the road.

And my brother said to me,

"See, there's a cow standing
in the middle of the road."

And I said,
"well, that don't look right."

And he said, "that's right."

Me and my brother, we went away,

And we got ourselves
these sticks --

What we called
"thwack 'em sticks."

And we went around the cow,
you understand.

And we whooped its butt.

Yes, sir, we whooped its butt

Until it was back
in farmer jackson's field

'Cause that's where that cow
belong, you understand.

[ Laughs ]

[ Normal voice ]
I suppose you're wondering
what the hell I'm doing

Imitating an -year-old
blues guy like that.

I guess it's not something
I should be doing.

I don't really know that much

About the southern
blues experience --

The whole mississippi
delta thing, really.

I'm from vermont.

It's not like that
I wouldn't like to know more

About the whole
southern blues thing.

It's just that there weren't
a lot of blues men around

When I was growing up.

They tend not to be skiers.

Um, I suppose culturally,

My roots are a little bit
closer to the pogues,

But it's just not the same vibe.

I mean, there's a certain
feeling you get

When you take one of those old
blues albums you got in college

And you lay
it on the turntable,

And then, you know,
first thing you know...

[ Blues riff plays ]

[ Southern accent ]
I seem to remember a time,

Yeah, I seem to remember a time,

Like the time that I was playin'
with, mississippi fred mcdowell,

Down in tennessee, you know.

And, uh, we was playin'
a juke joint, as I remember.

And at this juke joint,

It was built out
over an old liquor warehouse.

And there were some barrels of
bad liquor down in the basement,

Very volatile stuff, you know.

So were we were about halfway
through our set that night,

And I hear a kaboom,
and I see mississippi fred

Goin' up through the roof
like a rocket, yes, sir.

Now, he go up,
but he don't come back down.

I didn't see him like nine,
ten years later

Until in chicago,
I saw him again.

He was playin' the same song,
too. [ Laughs ]

And when I saw him,
I jumped on stage with him,

I said, "come on,
mississippi fred,
let's hand bone!"

♪ Oh, yeah, we handbonin'
down the city, ♪

♪ We handbonin' down the line, ♪

♪ We handbonin' down the city, ♪

Ow!

[ Music stops ]

[ Normal voice ]
well, I seem to have injured
myself doing the hand bone.

I guess the saner of you might
say, "what are you doing

The hand bone for in the first
place, college boy?

You'll injure your lily-white
collegiate hands."

You'd be right.

Well, I think
I should just leave.

I think I should just --
yeah, it's for the best.

[ Blues riff plays ]

Of course, I could always
leave in the key of "c."

So, she got mad,
threw a drink, and left.

My god, you must have been
covered in alcohol.

Truthfully, I was.

I love it
when women throw drinks.

I love it
when they get drunk.

But you forgave her.

Yes, I had to.

You see, she was a woman,
and I happen to love all women.

In fact, that's why
she threw the drink.

I see, she found your love
too interesting,

Too intense,
too...jackhammer.

No...not
specific enough.

I see, she was upset that
you were loving other women.

In her narrow way, she presumed
that you were cheating on her.

Yes, but wasn't I really
only cheating myself?

Of course you were.

I love all women!
Is that a crime?

Actually,
in some places it is.

But it's not a crime
of the heart.

You were brave to love her,
and her sister, and the maid.

Yes.
We are not pigs!

No. We just love women!

How many?

All.

Yes, but how many women
have you...loved?

Oh, loved.

Mm-hmm.

I would have to express
the women I've "loved"

As a percentage
of the whole.

Oh, say, %.

Oh, well that is
a lot of women.

But they don't understand
the way we love.

It is not a number!

But if it were, that
number would be quite high.

You understand.

Sometimes I wish
that you were a woman.

Oh, as do i,
as do i.

Then I could love myself.

And if you were a woman,
I would love you

And wait for you to throw
a drink on me.

And I would throw one
were I a woman.

And were you a woman,
I would deserve it.

It is in our very makeup.
We cannot change who we are!

No, to change would mean
to make an effort.

We just love women!

Yes!

Ahhh!

Is that
so unbelievably hard?

No.

What i, buddy cole,

Love best about dinner parties

Is that moment
when the conversation

Suddenly dies a horrible death,

And some helpful wag
pipes up with,

"If you were stranded
on a desert island

And could only bring one book,
record, and person,

What would they be?"

What are the odds?
I can't believe it!

Here I am stranded
on a desert island

And my only supplies
are my favorite book,

"All about rhoda"

By peggy hertz
from scholastic press,

And my favorite album,
johnny mathis

And denise williams,
"that's what friends are for."

I always like to have an
ex-lover's music around.

Denise is good, too.

And for companionship,

The one and only
oscar wilde.

Oscar,
say something funny.

Shall i?

Do your stuff.
Do the "wilde" thing.

Well, buddy, I recall that
as I laid dying in my death bed,

I came out of
my stupor momentarily

And declared
with perfect aplomb

Either that wallpaper
goes or I do.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, that was rich,
oscar.

Oh, jeez, let me catch
my breath for a second.

Oh, oh I am so glad
that I brought you

And not someone...common.

Message received buddy.

You know, the trouble
with the common man...

Is that he is
so unbearably common!

Oh, oscar!

Funny, but you're
such a snob!

[ Chuckles ]
oh, that's my charm.

Oh, it's really too bad
that you're dead.

Does it bother you?

Well, buddy, all in all,
I'd rather be in philadelphia.

[ Chuckles ]
what? Philadelphia.

[ Chuckles ]

That's funny,
but w.c. Fields said it.

Well, yes, had you been
listening to me correctly,

What you would have
heard me say was,

"I may have been born yesterday
but I still went shopping."

That was me.

Oh, yes, yes.
[ Coughs ]

Well I seem to be getting
a bit of laryngitis, buddy.

I'm afraid there'll be
no more quipping today.

Oscar, please stop
with the laryngitis nonsense.

You're pathetic.

Oh.

You would have never
lasted on television.

I'll bet what you really
said on your death bed

Was something
more like, "shit!"

[ Hoarse voice ] well,
buddy I'm just going to go

And find some
honey for my throat.

That's a good idea,

And remember--
it's a very small island,

So stay out
of my way, gilligan.

Oh, look "rhoda."

And while you're at it, do
something about your hair.

It's threatening to become
more interesting than you.

Speaking of traveling...
That reminds me

Of the time when I was crossing
the border into albania,

And some border guard asked
me if I had anything to declare.

And I said -- this is great --

"Only my genius."

[ Chuckles ]

Buddy, that was mine!

So what?
You owe me!

Okay, I give up.
I give up.

Which one is trixie
and which one is mitzi again?

[ Laughter ]

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
where's your twin?

[ Laughter ]

Hey, phil, how are we getting
to the next bar?

Oh, we'll take my car.

Uh-oh.
Looks like trouble.

Come on, give
me a break, huh!

Cops are so stupid!

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, %.

Phil will handle it.
Phil's a talker!

Hey, hey, officer,
what's going on?

Hey, come on, look,
you don't want to ticket me.

I'm a cop.

Really?

It's okay to take
the ticket off the car.

Yeah?

Gonna have to see some
i.d. First, officer.

I.d.?

I.d.

Yeah, sure, sure,
I understand.

You know why
I understand?

'Cause I'm
a superior officer.

Yeah, I'm, uh --
I'm, uh, captain allen

From the, uh, precinct
up near my house.

So, uh,
all quiet tonight?

This is usually a quiet
beat, I remember --

I think I used to walk
this beat, I'm not sure.

I'd like to see
the id again, please.

Yeah, no, sure,
no problem.

I'm, captain allen
from the precinct

Near my uh, where I live.

I had this bust the other
night, I was gonna tell you.

I had a bust, yeah.

It was these crack heads
you know, these crack heads.

You know how they run,
I was running after them --

All right,
give me the handshake.

The secret policeman's
handshake -- give it to me.

God, I've been a cop
for so long,

I don't know if I --
if I remember this.

What the hell.

Okay, you have
yourself a good night,

And give my best to the
guys up at the station.

I didn't catch your name.

Okay, wait a minute,
where are we going?

Wait, look you are ruining
a very expensive,

Undercover operation.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, the back seat
of the car thing, sure.

No, this isn't tragic.

All right, I'm not a cop,
I'm not a cop, I confess.

I want you to turn around,
because my friend back there --

[ Siren wails ]

He's roman polanski's cousin --
the guy in the striped shirt.

And those two girls he's with,

They're years old, man,
years old, man!

Excuse me.

Seeing as
you're under my car,

Does that mean
it's not done yet?

Well, it means
I'm still working on it.

Well, then how am
I supposed to get home?

Sir, I don't know,

But when your car
is f*ckin' ready,

You're gonna
f*ckin' know, okay?

Was that swearing at me?

Yeah, I believe it was.

Well, I'm gonna go across the
street and drink some coffee,

But I'm prepared to sleep
here if I have to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been a mechanic
for years.

I love cars,
and I consider myself lucky

That my job is something
that I love.

But I don't think
I'm your average grease monkey.

Hey, I love the opera.

As a matter of fact, I happen
to be writing a light opera

About a guy who brings
a station wagon to an auto shop.

They don't have
the extra parts he needs,

And he kills his lover.

Very nice.

I also have an extensive wine
cellar that was once written up

In a magazine called
wine, wine, wine.

But I think the thing that
sums me up best is this...

My beautiful blonde locks!

[ Spits ]

When I was a young lad, my
tragically bald mother told me,

"Son, beautiful hair is a
wonderful treat to the world.

"Don't do what
I had done, my son.

Take care of your hair,
take care of your hair."

So I have...

And I think I've, uh,

Added a different color
to the perception one has

Of the garage mechanic.

Hey, ross.

Hey, ross.

Hey, miguel!
Hey, paul-o!

Looking good
today, ross!

Thanks very much.

At first, the guys
I worked with hated me

And made fun of me
all the time.

Oh, hi.

But as time went by, they
not only got used to my hair,

But they developed
a sense of pride over it.

Oh, yeah,
looks good.

Hey, not too rough!

Hey, what
are you doing?

You'll pull
his f*ckin' roots out!

You know, it's
a piece of art here.

I think I know what I'm doing
with a hairbrush, okay?

Well, then don't use
that f*ckin' thing.

Guys! Guys!
Guys! Guys! Guys!

[ Telephone rings ]

Itky garage.

Hey, it's that guy
from vogue magazine again.

Oh, for
christ's sake, no!

Tell him I'm a mechanic,
not a model!

No. Noooo!

Jeez, when are they
gonna learn?

This hair's for us!

All right!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Do it!

Come on, give me the panther,
give me the panther.

Looks good!
Looks good!

Is that
what I think it is?

Yes.

Is that a baby?

Yes, it is.

May i?

Oh, please do,
please.

Ooh, oooh,
look at it!

Is it, oooh!

[ Talking gibberish ]

[ Chuckles ]

My wife's got
a whatchamacallit...

Uh, maternal instinct.

Oh, I can see that.

What a wonderful baby!

Oh, well,
thank you.

And smart!

Yes, I've been
told that.

It's a boy!

It's a wonderful,
smart baby boy!

This is the kind
I was telling you about.

How many miles
on this baby?

Well, he's five months old
if that's what you mean.

Yeah, has he got
all his sh*ts and stuff?

Is there anything
wrong with him,

Does he eat a real lot?
Does he leak?

Oh, look, he's got
your eyes, honey!

He's got your eyes!

You know, first they have
their baby teeth,

And then they fall out.

But I would save those
if I were you.

You know, before you know it,
I bet he'll be wearing x.

Well, god willing.

I know a lot
about babies

Because this is the kind of
baby I hope to have one day.

I'm sure you'll have
a lovely baby some day.

Are you pregnant?

No, I can't have
children of my own.

Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have said anything.

It's not her fault.
It's mine.

I had a vasectomy
when I was .

A lot of the guys were
doing it -- a manly thing --

Vasectomy, tattoos,
that kind of stuff.

Well, I am sorry.

Don't be sorry.

I was pretty popular in high
school as you can imagine.

[ Both chuckle ]

Well...i really must
be going now.

I don't think my woman's
done with your baby yet.

No I'm not.

But I have to go.

Great! She can leave
the baby here with us.

That would be so nice.
We could play and sing, oh --

No, no, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

Are you telling me

You don't think my woman's
good with children?

No, that's not
what I'm saying.

No, no, it's just that
I really have to go.

They call them
bouncing baby boys,

But they don't bounce.

They just plop.
[ Chuckles ]

Don't you find
that out the hard way!

Please put
my baby down.

Excuse me,
excuse me.

Honey, is this
the one or not?

I'm not sure.

The other one
was so nice, too.

Um...let me --

He has an
inner ear dysfunction!

What?

He has an
inner ear dysfunction.

It could result
in a % loss of hearing,

And they think there's
something wrong with his neck,

Something horribly
wrong with his neck!

Well, buyer beware,
honey.

She's just saying that.
I have a very good feeling.

I think
this is the one --

That's what you said
about the vega gt.

Remember that rotten car?

Listen, give me
back my baby!

Hey, do you
have your name on it?

[ Clamoring ]

La-la, go to sleep,
go to sleep.

Just, give it to me.

There's only one way
to settle this, okay?

We'll let the baby decide.

What?!

Oh, give me that!

Okay, little guy,

Which one of these nice women
would you like to be your mom?

Pick me, pick me!

Mommy's here,
mommy's here!

[ Clamoring ]

Jinx, jinx, jinx!

Jinx, jinx!
Over here, over here!

[ Both shouting indistinctly ]

Aw!

What?
Fair is fair, honey.

Hey, look,
she left the carriage!

Look at this!

Come on, we can throw
some blankets in there

And tell people
the baby's sleeping.

I don't think
we'll ever have a baby.

It's god's will.

I feel empty.

You are.

Come on.
No.

I like this more
than the vega.

Look at this --
convertible!