01x18 - Episode 18

[bunniefuu]

Oh my god!
What a steak!!

Honey, are you smellin'
this in there?

Well, get away from the onions.

Honey, you know
what this steak needs?

It needs some sort
of a supergarnish.

Nope, I don't wanna hear
about steak sauce.

I don't wanna hear
about ketchup.

I'll tell you what we do,

We take the cajun sauce I gave
you as a stocking stuffer,

We use that
as a point of departure

Towards a supergarnish, okay?

Come on, honey,
a cow died for this steak!

Love me.

Love me.

Love me!!

Gee, I wonder what he wanted.

[ Scoffs ]

[ Sobbing ]
oh, there, there.

Let it out, let it out.

But it's been fourteen years,
fran!

Oh, I know, I know, barbara,
fourteen years.

Fourteen years!
I feel like such a failure!

I know, but he never really gave
you your space, now, did he?

No, no, I guess not,

But I suppose I never really
asked for it, did i?

No, you didn't.

More tea?
I'd love a cup, come on.

So?

So, barbara, when are you gonna
tell little seanie?

Well, I have a plan.
Yeah?

I was gonna tell him on,
on, um, monday.
Oh?

I was gonna take him out
to the zoo,

And then out
to a video arcade,

And then out to see a movie,

And then out for lunch
at mcdonald's,

And out to another movie --

Cool it!
Stop right there.

You're gonna have to tell him
right away, you've got to.

Here he comes.
Shh, shh!

Hi, mommy.
Hi, aunt fran.
Hi, sean.

Sean, sean, sean,
sit down.

Your mom's got something she'd
like to discuss with you.

Okay? I'll get you a glass
of milk, okay?

Okay.

What is it, mommy?

Seanie, mommy's got something
she'd like to discuss with you,

And, um, fran, would you get
back in here, please?!

I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming, jeez!

Thank you.

Ohh, ohh!
Okay, where do I begin?

Begin at the beginning,
okay?

Okay, seanie,
you may not have noticed,

But mommy hasn't been
very happy lately.

Is mommy gonna leave us?

Oh, no, seanie,
bless your heart!

Seanie, bless your heart!

Mommy's not --
[ smooches ]

Oh, barbara,
your youngest is so young.

Aren't they?

Oh, yes. Go on.
Okay.

No, there's just going to be
some changes around the house.

Changes -- sort of like
spring cleaning, yeah?

Oh, you like spring,
don't ya?

You get to run around with
all the kids in your bare feet,

Drinking lemonade --
what kind of changes,
mommy?

Well, um, just a --
just a couple of changes,

And mommy wanted you
to know about them

So that you wouldn't be
confused when they happened.

Okay?
Okay.

Okay, now first of all,
the changes are happening today.

Today, and that's friday, and
you like friday, don't you?

'Cause that's the weekend.

You get to run around with
all your friends in bare feet,

Drinking --
fran, would you shut up
for a damn minute?!

I'm trying to talk
to my child here!

Well, I'm sure I'm sorry.

Well, I'm sure you are.

Go on.

Anyway, the first change,
uh, that you may notice

Is that mommy's decided
to change her hair color.

That's what this is
all about, okay?

And mommy wanted you to know
that it's the same mommy,

Only with a different
hair color, okay?

Mommy's changing
her hair color?

Yeah.

Well, that's okay,
I guess.

Okay, good.
That's good, and, um...

Go, go, go.

Secondly, your father won't be
living with us anymore.

Daddy's leaving us?

Yes, your father's
leaving us.

Is it because you changed
your hair color?

Oh, good.
I need some more tea.

Well, seanie,
there's a lot of reasons

Why mommy and daddy aren't going
to stay together,

But I think that the important
thing for you to know

Is that he loves you!

[ Timer dings ]
it's time.

What?
Time for the unveiling.

Oh, time for the unveiling,
okay.

Let's do it.
Oh, I can't wait!

Oh, some good news.

We'll talk about the other
stuff later, okay?

Okay, okay, okay,
ooh, ooh, ohh.

Oh!
Oh, I love it!

Oh, I like it, I do!

Oh, look at that!

It's gorgeous!

Oh, it's fun, it's fun.
Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I think I might buy
that halter top.

What do you think, seanie?
Do you like it?

There's so much evil
in the world.

What, dear?

You changed your hair
to pink!

Well, well, it's pinkish,
seanie, but --

Pink is a stupid color!

No, no, seanie, come on.

No, all my friends are gonna
make fun of me!

"Your mother's a pink head,
your mother's a pink head!"

Stop it, seanie!
Seanie, stop it!

Now, I am sick
of being criticized

By the men in this family
at this point!

I want to move with daddy!

You are not moving in
with your father!

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

Don't hit me!

Don't hit me again!

Oh, no, seanie,
mommy's not gonna hit you.

Oh, mommy's sorry, seanie.

I'm sorry, too, mommy.

Oh, mommy's sorry.
Mommy will never hit you again.

Does that mean you're gonna
change your hair back to normal?

Ahhh!

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

Right here, seanie!

Stinky pink! Stinky pink!
Stinky pink!

Well, stinky pink
cooks your dinners!

Well, I thought that
that went okay.

I-i thought
that you did fine.

Oh, good.

Let's have some more tea.

[ Rock music plays ]

Premise beach! Premise beach!

Premise!

What if?

What if a man ran
for public office

Who really shouldn't
have bothered!

Premise! Premise!

Well, I won't take up
anymore of your time.

I just hope that I can count on
your vote come election day.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Get it?

He doesn't stand
a chance in hell!

He's got a meat hand!

Surf's up on...

Premise beach! Premise beach!

[ Rock music plays ]

Premise! Premise!

The biggest crouton I ever saw
was this big.

It took three guys to lift.

So, if you and your friend
wanted to lift up this crouton,

You'd still need another guy.

That's how big the crouton was.

The guy who owned it kept it in
a shed, wrapped in velvet.

And if you wanted to see it,
he'd take you there,

But it cost you $ cash down,
and you'd have to be drunk.

Drunk -- so you wouldn't know
where he kept the crouton.

They called him ol' daryl,

Even though he was only
years old.

It was one of those names folks
hoped he'd grow into...

Sort of like hank, you know?

And ol' daryl loved
his crouton so much

That it worried his girlfriend,
hazel --

A name that no one
ever grows into.

And one day, she said,
"you know, ol' daryl,

I think you love that
ol' crouton more than me!"

"Well, there's the door,"
he said.

And at that he motioned at
a large hole in the wall

That he intended to build
a door into

As soon as he got some tools.

So, the fight ended
in a compromise.

He decided to buy her
a humidifier.

And as fate would have it,
as they were out that night,

Some kids -- kids I guess about,
about your ages, your sizes,

Smells, uh, hair color,
and ethnocentric backgrounds --

Were out in the midst

Of a rango-tango,
devil-may-care spree,

And they happened upon
the crouton shack.

They broke right in.

They claim they were looking
for mother's days gifts,

But I don't believe that

Because as soon
as they saw that crouton,

They had their little
swiss army knives poised,

And they started hackin' away
at that beautiful crouton

Just to garnish
their selfish salads.

And then they skedaddled as
mysteriously as they came.

They were kids a lot like you.

And by the time ol' daryl
came home

With that humidifier
under his right arm,

That crouton, once mighty
and towering,

Was now the size of, say,
a rubik's cube.

And if you had been there in the
middle of that monday night,

You might have heard the sound
of crying --

Male crying --
the rarest kind.

Nowadays ol' daryl,
well, he looks his name,

'Cause people don't come to see
that crouton no more,

Just teenage girls who want to
use it for earrings.

And when he and his woman aren't
buying lottery tickets,

He's out lookin' at that shack,
just rememberin'.

Yep.

So, any of you kids married?

The next pole-vaulter up

Is minnesota's own
martin bloomdale.

He's not the highest rated
pole-vaulter on the u.s. Team,

But we're sure like all our
athletes here at the olympiad,

He'll do america proud, and I
think he's ready to go now.

He comes from the lunge and
swipe school of pole-vaulting.

That's where --
oh, my god!

Ladies and gentlemen,

It's my sad duty to inform you
that the u.s. Swimming team,

Which was on its way here
to tokyo,

Has crashed in an ocean,
and there are no survivors.

I-i believe someone
is telling martin now.

This is a black, black day
in sports history,

But in the spirit
of the olympics,

The event must go on.

Bloomdale is known
for his slow approach,

But once he gets going,

His personal theme song
is "up, up, and away."

No!

No!

My god, ladies and gentlemen,
there is more terrible news.

The american basketball team
and the equestrian team,

Who always got along
so famously,

Have all died
in a warehouse fire.

What all those horses
and athletes

Were doing in a warehouse

Would be a mystery
for years to come.

This day will live in infamy.

This is a day that america
will never forget.

What's more -- what?!!

[ Sobs ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my sad duty to inform you

That all the remaining athletes
on the american team

Have been taken hostage by a
t*rror1st group that supports --

Well, nothing in particular,

But are jealous
of the attention

That the olympics
have been getting.

This means that the last
remaining athlete

On the u.s. Olympic team
is martin bloomdale.

Give me a mic!
I wanna talk to the kid!

Give me a mic! Give me a mic!

Hello. Is this on?
Check, check.

Martin, can you hear me?

Martin, can you hear me?

I have a message from the
american people for you.

We are behind you
and your pole %.

Don't let us down!

Remember, martin, the entire
country is watching...

Here on "snn."

[ "The star-spangled banner"
plays ]

[ Thud ]
ugh!

Oh, my god!

A first in olympic history!

Oh, and the very last american
athlete is down,

Hit by a shot put.

On the plus side,

Gordie hatton of finland has
a new world shot put record.

[ Crowd cheers ]

Today, america is in mourning,

But finland is applauding
and cheering.

[ Foreign accent ]
thank you, finland.

I love you!

This is jazzy jeff worton,
signing off from the olympics.

[ "The star-spangled banner"
plays ]

[ Rock music plays ]

Premise!

What if?

What if there were people

Whose heads resembled
beautifully wrapped presents?

Brilliant! It's a...

Wacky premise! Wacky premise!

[ Rock music plays ]

Premise! Premise!

Thank god we made it through
another christmas safely...

Without our heads being torn to
shreds by happy children.

Whew! Whew!

[ Rock music plays ]

Get it?

Holidays are hell!

When you're a gift head!

Premise! Premise!

What if?!

What if a restaurant had an
unusual claim to fame?

Premise!! Premise!!

Well, this is the place I've
been telling you about.

Yeah, it's really nice.

So, what do you eat
when you come here?

Well, I tell you,
if you're gonna come here,

You've got to try
the shitty soup.

Shitty soup?

Oh, yeah, everyone who comes
here has the shitty soup.

It doesn't sound that great.

Oh, it's not, it's awful.

That's why they call it
"shitty."

Oh.
So, are you in?

Of course,
let's have two shitty soups.

Great.

Yeah, that's only the appetizer.
What do you have for the entree?

I'm telling you,
after you've had this soup,

You're not gonna want
a main course.

[ Chuckles ]

In fact,
this soup is so vile,

It will dominate your palate
for the next seven months.

You may never want
to eat again.

Well, good evening.

Hi.
Hi.

Welcome.
Welcome to maureen's cuisine.

Thank you.

So, are you ready to order?

Oh, yes, uh --
oh, super!

We would like
two shitty soups.

Two shitty soups.

Anything else
with the shitty soups?
Just water.

Just water?
Nothing else to drink?

Tea, sangria, cola, fruit juice,
seltzer, spritzer --

No, just two shitty soups
and water.

Just two shitty soups, okay,
and water.

Anything to drink afterwards?
Coffee --

Two shitty soups, please.

Just two shitty soups?

Yes, please.

Well, that's all it'll be then,
won't it?
Yeah.

Okay, two shitty soups,
coming up.

Thanks.

What an awful waiter!

What an awful actor!

[ Chuckles ]

I mean,
he really padded his part.

I mean, in rehearsal,
he had two lines.

I know, he was just supposed
to recommend the duck.

And why is he playing it
so gay?

I don't know,
but I'll tell you one thing,

He'll pay for it in his tip.

Choo, choo, choo!
Here comes the soup train!

[ Chuckles ]

Here's a little caboose
of soup for you.

And a little engine of soup
for you.

Great, thanks.
Thanks a lot.

So, enjoy the soup.
Okay.

I'll be over there.

Yeah, all right.

Boy!

Well, tuck in.

Blah!
Ahhh!

Blah!

Blah! Pah!

You gotta swallow to get
the whole effect!

Ahh, that's bad!

Ohh, ohh, ohh!

You know, we really should have
just ordered one and split it.

So, how was the soup?

Oh, it was really terrible.

Oh, so you didn't enjoy it?
No. Oh, that's excellent.

Can we have our check,
please?
Certainly.

Yeah, we're late
for a pathetic play.

Oh, certainly.

Oh, I saw the play.
It's awful!

Oh, really?
I think you'll love it.

Oh, thanks very much.

Okay.

Horrible soup!
Okay, good night.

And really lousy service!

Such attitude!

I'm not really a waiter.

I'm actually actor-comedian,
scott thompson.

[ Cheers and applause ]

And, yes, I'm the f*g!

Come on, don't run away.

What are you running from?
What are you scared of?

As a gay entertainer,

I feel a special responsibility
to my brothers

To portray them in an accurate
and dignified manner.

Yet, I don't know.

Whenever I play the part
of a waiter,

And I walk out onstage,

And those lights hit me,
I immediately begin to lisp.

It's not my fault.

It's a chemical reaction,
really.

One day, the character
of the gay waiter

Will be a folk hero,
but until that day...

[ Lisping ] smoking or non?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Wow, this one doesn't have
any apples, either.

You know,
you're so perceptive.

Miriam was fast becoming
my favorite girlfriend.

I used to say to myself,
"john, pay attention.

This girl has it all,"
only for once, this one did.

She had natural beauty.

I never wear makeup.

I never learned how.

[ Sighs ]

She was really bright.

Not bright in the way

That I guess doctors or lawyers
are meant to be bright,

But more in the way

That someone who's turned on by
intelligence is bright.

[ Gasps ]

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah.

I really fell for her.

"Miriam," I thought,
"you're perfection."

♪ I dreamed I saw joe hill
last night ♪

♪ Alive as you or me ♪

That's what made the change
so painful.

We both seemed to get timid or
something at the same time.

Some awful cancer
descended on us

Before we could consolidate
our love.

So, your brother has been
rowing...how long now?

About five years now.

Wow, five years, boy.

But he doesn't
row competitively?

No, not really.

I just knew that the comfort
was gone,

And that we had become strange
with each other.

[ Fly buzzing ]

Pff!

[ Buzzing continues ]

Look, I was thinking

Maybe we could go to that
chinese restaurant.

Um, you know,
we could go back there.

I mean, we don't have to.
It's been -- pff! --

A little while,

But, um, do you think --
would you like to go there?

Is that a good idea?

Yeah?

I'm sorry,
what are you doing there?

What's that?
What is that?

Try it.
I don't want to try it.

Look, I'm sorry, miriam, did
I say something to upset you?

Would you just be straight
with me?

I mean --
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to grab you.
[ Smooches ]

Can I have a kiss?

[ Fly buzzing ]
uh, I've got to go.

What?

Miriam? What?

I remember thinking,
"well, f*ck you,"

But then I thought,

"Wait, this is a decisive
moment in our love."

It can either go forward or
backward from here.

I decided to gamble on forward.

[ Ringing ]

Hello.

Hi, miriam?

Hi, graham.

Is there something
you wanted to say?

Well, it's a little hard.

Uh, I'm not very good at this,

But, um, I love you, miriam.

Oh, I think I love you, too.

Well, what?
That's not a surprise I hope.

[ Fly buzzing ]
pff!

[ Gasps ]

Ohh, ohh!

Miri--

Sick bitch!

Pff! Pff!

I gave up on her.

There are some things

You've just got to be
philosophical about,

So I spelled the end of our
affair, p-h-i-l-o-s-o-p-h-y.

She wrote me letters,

But I didn't even bother
to read them.

I really don't care
why we broke up,

Though if I ask myself,

I think she was probably scared
of me sexually,

And I think
that's what did us in.

[ Fly buzzing ]

[ Sobbing ]

Pff!

I can hope for miriam's sake

That she found her way
to some kind of therapy.